It’s the morning of Jaime’s parlay with the Blackfish. The drawbridge opens and the two meet.
Jaime: Let us into the castle please, and nobody dies.
Blackfish: No.
Jaime: I’ll give you Edmure in exchange for the Westerlings. Come on. That seems like a pretty good trade. The Lord of Riverrun in return for some girls?
Blackfish: Look at this bag I have here. What’s in it? Dick Clark. Dick Van Dyke. Dick Butkus. Dick Cheney. This all looks pretty tasty. Here you go, Jaime. Have it. Eat a bag of dicks.
Jaime: I give you my word that—
Blackfish: Oh, the word of a Kingslayer and Oathbreaker. I have two things to say to that. *flips Jaime two middle fingers and leaves*
Jaime: But… but… oh. Well that didn’t go well at all. And now I’m especially insecure about my ability to be a mastermind that can get stuff done, like my dad Tywin. Aunt Genna totally emasculated me in my last chapter and I’m still pretty insecure about that. I’ve got to prove her wrong! I’ve got to prove that I can be as crafty and smart as Tyrion.
Jaime heads back to camp and calls a war council of all the Freys and lords besieging Riverrun. From the little time he spends in the council, it’s easy to see why this siege has totally failed so far. All of them are bickering and fighting among themselves.
Lord Piper: The Freys are lying, treacherous weasels! They have my son, or they killed him at the Red Wedding. I want to see him.
Edwyn Frey: Shut your mouth. You’ll get your son when you prove your loyalty.
Piper: Shut up, Edwyn. You’re not even supposed to have a seat on the council. This is your father, Ryman’s, seat. Is he too drunk to show up again?
Edwyn: SHUT UP AND DON’T TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT! You traitor! You only reluctantly joined our side. I bet you’re really loyal to the Starks.
Piper: Oh, you mean like how EXACTLY THE FREYS WERE?
Piper storms out.
Edwyn: I WANT THAT GUY’S HEAD!
Jaime: No, asshole. He has a point. If you ask me, the group here that most douchily were turncoats that bestrayed their alliance is the FREYS. I seem to recall you Freys fighting along the Young Wolf the last time I was here.
Edwyn: But… I… uhh…
Jaime: Forget this.
He leaves the council, and goes to the Frey camp to see what’s up with Edmure Tully. Sure enough, there he is at the gallows again. Another empty, hollow threat to hang him again. Jaime also sees Ryman Frey. Yep, indeed he is drunk. But not too drunk to NOT have a whore in the tent with him. Jaime shakes his head and moves on to Edmure.
Jaime: Sup?
Edmure: Just go on and kill me already, Kingslayer. I see that you’ve brought Ser Ilyn Payne with you.
Jaime: Yes, good point. He is an executioner. Ilyn, do your thing.
As Ser Ilyn goes back to swing, Ryman Frey comes running out of his tent, with his pants off.
Ryman: NO! NO! That’s MY prisoner! Don’t harm him!
Jaime: Why?
Ryman: Because I want to prove to the Blackfish that I mean business! That I’ll kill him.
Jaime: Yes. Only you haven’t.
Ryman: No. I can’t kill him. He’s too valuable. Then we’ll have nothing to argue with.
Jaime: What did the five, golden fingers say to the face, Ryman?
Ryman: Huh?
*SLAP*
Jaime punches the pantless Ryman to the ground.
Jaime: You are dismissed of duty, Ryman. Edwyn now has command of your forces. I command you to go back to Lord Walder and order him to release all of his prisoners to me.
Ryman hobbles away, in shame.
Jaime: Now where was I?
Edmure: The sword swinging part.
Jaime: Oh yeah, right. Ilyn, Do your thing!
Ilyn Payne swings back and then takes a mighty lunge at Edmure…….’s rope.
The rope is cut and Edmure is free from the gallows.
Edmure: What the hell? Why did you spare me?
Jaime: Call it a “wedding gift.”
Edmure: Uh, thanks for reminding me about my wedding. That’s not at all a sensitive subject. Lady Roslin. She… she kept me distracted. I had no idea what was happening. My whole family. My friends. My soldiers. All murdered.
Jaime: Yeah, and you knocked her up too. On the first try. Good work.
Edmure: Damn right I did. Don’t believe anything about that “floppy fish” song you might have heard. LIES! LIES!
Jaime: Floppy Fish?
Edmure: Never mind. Pretend I didn’t say anything.
Jaime: MEN! Bring Lord Tully to my tent. Have him bathed, clothed, and given food and wine.
They do that for Edmure. And soon after, Jaime meets Edmure again. This time he brings along with him a random singer that just happened to be part of the Frey forces.
Random Singer: Hi! I’m here too.
But Edmure doesn’t see the singer. Yet. Since he’s all in the back of Jaime’s entourage.
Edmure: So what are you really up to with me, Jaime?
Jaime: Well, you are the Lord of Riverrun. It should be you that makes the decision on whether Riverrun surrenders… or if your men all needlessly die to the last. The Blackfish is in charge now. And he is an old man who has nothing to live for. He will have all your men die with him.
Edmure: What are you saying?
Jaime: I am saying I will let you free. I will release you to Riverrun to take command and be the Lord again. But in exchange, I will need you to open the gates and surrender to us. In exchange, I will let you be kept as a prisoner at Casterly Rock. You will be well cared for. I will even send for your wife and child to be with you.
Edmure: Really?
Jaime: Yes.
Edmure: And how do you know that I will keep up my part of the bargain when you let me free? It sounds like Riverrun is well provisioned and defended. I could just go in there and keep up the siege.
Jaime: We can win this fight, Edmure. We can easily win it. Not the way the Freys wanted it though. The Freys wanted the castle intact so that they could rule it. Do I give a shit what the Freys want? No. We will have our siege engines utterly obliterate it. My catapults will throw huge boulders at the castle to destroy it, piece by piece. But the first thing my siege engine throws won’t be a boulder. It will be your small child with Roslin. Have fun cleaning the guts of your baby up. I’ll give you time to do that before the boulders come. To really look at all that mush of bones and flesh and let it sink in that it’s your heir. Riverrun will then become fucking ruins. Will it be ruins that people will look upon in the future and remember "the horrible fate of Riverrun?" No. Because I will divert the river itself so that it now flows over the ruins, and washes the rocks away. No part of Riverrun will ever exist or be seen again. It will be like it never existed. We will erase you from the history books. Nobody will sing songs about the Tullys or Riverrun because it and you will be forgotten a hundred years from now.
Edmure: Oh, Jesus Christ. Man. You know, sometimes I feel like the readers are now on your side and see that you are an okay dude. Your POV chapters really help to explain what’s going in in your head and that you’re mostly an honorable guy. But other times… man… other times you’re still that asshole who pushed Bran out the window.
Jaime: Sorry. It’s just that Aunt Genna… she… look… don’t distract me…
Edmure: I’ll kill you, Kingslayer!
Jaime: I mean… you can try. But for now. Enjoy dinner. Here, I’ve brought this random singer with me to play for you while you eat.
The singer steps forward.
Edmure: OH GOD! OH GOD NO! NOT HIM! ANYONE BUT HIM!
And that’s how the chapter ends.
Jaime: No wait. Stop. I don’t get it. Why does Edmure hate this singer? That’s never really is explained.
Oh well, it sort of is. But you have to play the really long game with this one.
Jaime: Go on. I want to know who this guy is.
Random Singer: Yeah, who am I?
Well, in A Game of Thrones, Cat explains that her brother hates singers. Then in A Storm of Swords, Arya is provided a bit more info. Tom O’ Sevens starts bragging about how once Edmure Tully was too drunk to have sex with a girl he wanted to, got the whisky dick, and that he had sex with the girl instead. So after that, Tom wrote a song called “Floppy Fish,” about Edmure.
Jaime: Oh, okay. So now I get why Edmure hates singers. But that still doesn’t explain… No… no… wait. I get it now. I get it. Edmure reacting so violently to THIS singer can only mean that this mystery singer is, indeed, Tom O’ Sevens.
Tom O’ Sevens: YEP! IT'S ME!!!!
Edmure: Ugh.
Tom O’ Sevens: Although you didn't really need to do all this CSI work, Jaime. I reveal who I am in your very next POV chapter.
Jaime: Ah. Sorry, that's probably a little bit of residual Ned Stark. Wanting to solve a mystery. I should stop that, since it will probably get me killed.
And then the chapter ends for real now.
Jaime: NO! STOP! STOP! Don’t end the chapter yet!
Ugh. What is it this time?
Jaime: Why is this important again? I mean why exactly is this singer being Tom O Sevens worth including at the conclusion of this chapter? GRRM generally doesn’t throw useless things in that have no meaning. Well, except for when he does. Like that story with the Three Little Pigs that was in one of my last chapters. That had no purpose. But this one feels like it’s important.
It is. Try to guess why.
Jaime: That’s why I’m asking you, narrator.
When was the last time we saw Tom?
Edmure: Ooh! Ooh! I think I know this one! He was still traveling with the Brotherhood without Banners. AKA Team Thoros AKA Team Beric AKA Team Lady Stoneheart.
Right.
Jaime: Oh, so if this random singer is Tom… then why did I find him with the Frey soldiers? He should be with Lady Stoneheart instead. He should hate the Freys!
Edmure: Wait… wait… I think I get it. He’s totally STILL WITH the Brotherhood. He’s just now infiltrated the Frey army and is betraying them and informing on them. Right?
Tom: DING DING DING! We have a winner.
Jaime: Oh man. Yeah. That’s actually a pretty good end to a chapter then. Pretty obscure. I mean how many readers are going to dig all the way back to A Storm of Swords Chapter 22 to remember who this singer might be, and then put two and two together to figure out that the Brotherhood now has a plant in the Frey forces?
Not very many people. Okay. Can I end this chapter now?
Jaime: Yep.
Jaime: Let us into the castle please, and nobody dies.
Blackfish: No.
Jaime: I’ll give you Edmure in exchange for the Westerlings. Come on. That seems like a pretty good trade. The Lord of Riverrun in return for some girls?
Blackfish: Look at this bag I have here. What’s in it? Dick Clark. Dick Van Dyke. Dick Butkus. Dick Cheney. This all looks pretty tasty. Here you go, Jaime. Have it. Eat a bag of dicks.
Jaime: I give you my word that—
Blackfish: Oh, the word of a Kingslayer and Oathbreaker. I have two things to say to that. *flips Jaime two middle fingers and leaves*
Jaime: But… but… oh. Well that didn’t go well at all. And now I’m especially insecure about my ability to be a mastermind that can get stuff done, like my dad Tywin. Aunt Genna totally emasculated me in my last chapter and I’m still pretty insecure about that. I’ve got to prove her wrong! I’ve got to prove that I can be as crafty and smart as Tyrion.
Jaime heads back to camp and calls a war council of all the Freys and lords besieging Riverrun. From the little time he spends in the council, it’s easy to see why this siege has totally failed so far. All of them are bickering and fighting among themselves.
Lord Piper: The Freys are lying, treacherous weasels! They have my son, or they killed him at the Red Wedding. I want to see him.
Edwyn Frey: Shut your mouth. You’ll get your son when you prove your loyalty.
Piper: Shut up, Edwyn. You’re not even supposed to have a seat on the council. This is your father, Ryman’s, seat. Is he too drunk to show up again?
Edwyn: SHUT UP AND DON’T TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT! You traitor! You only reluctantly joined our side. I bet you’re really loyal to the Starks.
Piper: Oh, you mean like how EXACTLY THE FREYS WERE?
Piper storms out.
Edwyn: I WANT THAT GUY’S HEAD!
Jaime: No, asshole. He has a point. If you ask me, the group here that most douchily were turncoats that bestrayed their alliance is the FREYS. I seem to recall you Freys fighting along the Young Wolf the last time I was here.
Edwyn: But… I… uhh…
Jaime: Forget this.
He leaves the council, and goes to the Frey camp to see what’s up with Edmure Tully. Sure enough, there he is at the gallows again. Another empty, hollow threat to hang him again. Jaime also sees Ryman Frey. Yep, indeed he is drunk. But not too drunk to NOT have a whore in the tent with him. Jaime shakes his head and moves on to Edmure.
Jaime: Sup?
Edmure: Just go on and kill me already, Kingslayer. I see that you’ve brought Ser Ilyn Payne with you.
Jaime: Yes, good point. He is an executioner. Ilyn, do your thing.
As Ser Ilyn goes back to swing, Ryman Frey comes running out of his tent, with his pants off.
Ryman: NO! NO! That’s MY prisoner! Don’t harm him!
Jaime: Why?
Ryman: Because I want to prove to the Blackfish that I mean business! That I’ll kill him.
Jaime: Yes. Only you haven’t.
Ryman: No. I can’t kill him. He’s too valuable. Then we’ll have nothing to argue with.
Jaime: What did the five, golden fingers say to the face, Ryman?
Ryman: Huh?
*SLAP*
Jaime punches the pantless Ryman to the ground.
Jaime: You are dismissed of duty, Ryman. Edwyn now has command of your forces. I command you to go back to Lord Walder and order him to release all of his prisoners to me.
Ryman hobbles away, in shame.
Jaime: Now where was I?
Edmure: The sword swinging part.
Jaime: Oh yeah, right. Ilyn, Do your thing!
Ilyn Payne swings back and then takes a mighty lunge at Edmure…….’s rope.
The rope is cut and Edmure is free from the gallows.
Edmure: What the hell? Why did you spare me?
Jaime: Call it a “wedding gift.”
Edmure: Uh, thanks for reminding me about my wedding. That’s not at all a sensitive subject. Lady Roslin. She… she kept me distracted. I had no idea what was happening. My whole family. My friends. My soldiers. All murdered.
Jaime: Yeah, and you knocked her up too. On the first try. Good work.
Edmure: Damn right I did. Don’t believe anything about that “floppy fish” song you might have heard. LIES! LIES!
Jaime: Floppy Fish?
Edmure: Never mind. Pretend I didn’t say anything.
Jaime: MEN! Bring Lord Tully to my tent. Have him bathed, clothed, and given food and wine.
They do that for Edmure. And soon after, Jaime meets Edmure again. This time he brings along with him a random singer that just happened to be part of the Frey forces.
Random Singer: Hi! I’m here too.
But Edmure doesn’t see the singer. Yet. Since he’s all in the back of Jaime’s entourage.
Edmure: So what are you really up to with me, Jaime?
Jaime: Well, you are the Lord of Riverrun. It should be you that makes the decision on whether Riverrun surrenders… or if your men all needlessly die to the last. The Blackfish is in charge now. And he is an old man who has nothing to live for. He will have all your men die with him.
Edmure: What are you saying?
Jaime: I am saying I will let you free. I will release you to Riverrun to take command and be the Lord again. But in exchange, I will need you to open the gates and surrender to us. In exchange, I will let you be kept as a prisoner at Casterly Rock. You will be well cared for. I will even send for your wife and child to be with you.
Edmure: Really?
Jaime: Yes.
Edmure: And how do you know that I will keep up my part of the bargain when you let me free? It sounds like Riverrun is well provisioned and defended. I could just go in there and keep up the siege.
Jaime: We can win this fight, Edmure. We can easily win it. Not the way the Freys wanted it though. The Freys wanted the castle intact so that they could rule it. Do I give a shit what the Freys want? No. We will have our siege engines utterly obliterate it. My catapults will throw huge boulders at the castle to destroy it, piece by piece. But the first thing my siege engine throws won’t be a boulder. It will be your small child with Roslin. Have fun cleaning the guts of your baby up. I’ll give you time to do that before the boulders come. To really look at all that mush of bones and flesh and let it sink in that it’s your heir. Riverrun will then become fucking ruins. Will it be ruins that people will look upon in the future and remember "the horrible fate of Riverrun?" No. Because I will divert the river itself so that it now flows over the ruins, and washes the rocks away. No part of Riverrun will ever exist or be seen again. It will be like it never existed. We will erase you from the history books. Nobody will sing songs about the Tullys or Riverrun because it and you will be forgotten a hundred years from now.
Edmure: Oh, Jesus Christ. Man. You know, sometimes I feel like the readers are now on your side and see that you are an okay dude. Your POV chapters really help to explain what’s going in in your head and that you’re mostly an honorable guy. But other times… man… other times you’re still that asshole who pushed Bran out the window.
Jaime: Sorry. It’s just that Aunt Genna… she… look… don’t distract me…
Edmure: I’ll kill you, Kingslayer!
Jaime: I mean… you can try. But for now. Enjoy dinner. Here, I’ve brought this random singer with me to play for you while you eat.
The singer steps forward.
Edmure: OH GOD! OH GOD NO! NOT HIM! ANYONE BUT HIM!
And that’s how the chapter ends.
Jaime: No wait. Stop. I don’t get it. Why does Edmure hate this singer? That’s never really is explained.
Oh well, it sort of is. But you have to play the really long game with this one.
Jaime: Go on. I want to know who this guy is.
Random Singer: Yeah, who am I?
Well, in A Game of Thrones, Cat explains that her brother hates singers. Then in A Storm of Swords, Arya is provided a bit more info. Tom O’ Sevens starts bragging about how once Edmure Tully was too drunk to have sex with a girl he wanted to, got the whisky dick, and that he had sex with the girl instead. So after that, Tom wrote a song called “Floppy Fish,” about Edmure.
Jaime: Oh, okay. So now I get why Edmure hates singers. But that still doesn’t explain… No… no… wait. I get it now. I get it. Edmure reacting so violently to THIS singer can only mean that this mystery singer is, indeed, Tom O’ Sevens.
Tom O’ Sevens: YEP! IT'S ME!!!!
Edmure: Ugh.
Tom O’ Sevens: Although you didn't really need to do all this CSI work, Jaime. I reveal who I am in your very next POV chapter.
Jaime: Ah. Sorry, that's probably a little bit of residual Ned Stark. Wanting to solve a mystery. I should stop that, since it will probably get me killed.
And then the chapter ends for real now.
Jaime: NO! STOP! STOP! Don’t end the chapter yet!
Ugh. What is it this time?
Jaime: Why is this important again? I mean why exactly is this singer being Tom O Sevens worth including at the conclusion of this chapter? GRRM generally doesn’t throw useless things in that have no meaning. Well, except for when he does. Like that story with the Three Little Pigs that was in one of my last chapters. That had no purpose. But this one feels like it’s important.
It is. Try to guess why.
Jaime: That’s why I’m asking you, narrator.
When was the last time we saw Tom?
Edmure: Ooh! Ooh! I think I know this one! He was still traveling with the Brotherhood without Banners. AKA Team Thoros AKA Team Beric AKA Team Lady Stoneheart.
Right.
Jaime: Oh, so if this random singer is Tom… then why did I find him with the Frey soldiers? He should be with Lady Stoneheart instead. He should hate the Freys!
Edmure: Wait… wait… I think I get it. He’s totally STILL WITH the Brotherhood. He’s just now infiltrated the Frey army and is betraying them and informing on them. Right?
Tom: DING DING DING! We have a winner.
Jaime: Oh man. Yeah. That’s actually a pretty good end to a chapter then. Pretty obscure. I mean how many readers are going to dig all the way back to A Storm of Swords Chapter 22 to remember who this singer might be, and then put two and two together to figure out that the Brotherhood now has a plant in the Frey forces?
Not very many people. Okay. Can I end this chapter now?
Jaime: Yep.
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