AFfC 43: Cersei X

Very Stable Genius™ Cersei Lannister is ruling the Seven Kingdoms and feighs shock, surprise and anger at Septa Moelle.  But the only thing she’s really angry at is the fact that it’s just a Septa who was sent before her, rather than the High Septon himself.

Cersei: WHAAAA? HOW DARE YOU ARREST MARGAERY! Why… why… I can’t BELIEVE that you did that! BAD religious people! BAD! BAD! BAD! What did you even arrest her and all her cousins for?

Septa Moelle: Fornication. Adultery. High Treason.

Room: *GASP*

Cersei: NOOO! NOOOO WAY! Impossible. How dare you say that of Margaery. My good son, King Tommen’s, sweet and innocent wife. Why she’s as pure, virgin and has sworn an oath to declare such.

Septa Moelle: She has been examined and that has been proven not to be true. You know… her… *blushes*… hymen is broken and all of that.

Cersei: WHAAAAA?! OH NO! Well, I guess she must be an adulteress and sex fiend then, huh? I mean there is NO OTHER WAY a girl’s hymen could be broken. I mean, beyond the plot exposition which was previously provided within this book series that, while mentioning Margaery, clearly pointed out that most noble girls break their hymens while riding horses. So it’s totally a common and well-known thing. Still. Maybe you septons don’t know how to inspect pussy right. I demand that the King’s own Maester, Pycelle, also inspect Margaery’s cooch to check the hymen. I bet that old prevert would really like that.

Pycelle: Hehe, yeah. I mean… NOO!!!! NO! And… I… ermm… well… there is no need.

Cersei: WHAAA? Shock and surprise on my behalf again, Pycelle! Legitimate shock and surprise that is REAL! Why ever do you say such words? Why is there no need to inspect Margary’s pink taco?

Pycelle: I… I have been bringing Queen Margaery moon tea.

Crowd: *GASP AGAIN*

Cersei: Hahaha, Maggy the Frog. Fuck you and your prophecy about being replaced by a younger and more beautiful Queen.

Commotion breaks out, and several Tyrell supporters in the room begin to quietly slip out and excuse themselves.

Cersei: Well, I’m sure that these rumors are still TOTALLY FALSE. Why I’d like to go to Margaery and the High Septon themselves and clear this whole confusion up. In the meantime… Lord Waters, you should stir the ships to be ready. The Tyrells will obviously not be happy about this development and Mace Tyrell might try to bring forces to the city to attack us.

Aurane: Aye, your majesty.

Orton Merryweather: And what of the trial of Margaery? The High Septon might want to try her himself, as it was done in the days of old.

Cersei: Oh. WOULD HE? WHAT A SHOCK THAT WOULD BE. MWAHAHAHA! Now if you’ll excuse me. I have some things to get signed by the king.

She goes to Tommen.

Cersei: Sign these.

Tommen: Oooh! I like signing things! What does this say? “Warrant to arrest…”

*SMACK*

Cersei: I said “SIGN,” not “READ.”

After the warrants for all of Margaery’s friends and accused lovers are signed, she goes to gloat to Taena.

[Insert another useless Taena-Cersei scene where Cersei explains how she is a genius and Taena broadly ass kisses]

Taena: Hey! Way to minimize my role in the story!

Cersei then heads over to the Sept of Baelor where she visits Magaery.

Cersei: OH NO! My poor sister! What have they done to you.

Margaery: Cersei! You’ve got to help get me out of here! I’m cold and almost naked! The Septas are abusing me! They wake me up every hour at night and order me to confess.

Cersei: Oh really? Terrible. Terrible. They say the hold thing is happening to your cousins as well. Or will be soon.

Margaery: WHAT?! MY COUSINS?!

Cersei: Yeah. Someone has been going around and accusing you all of being in big, giant gangbang parties with Osney Kettleblack. Gross. Right? Who would spread such terrible lies about you? MWAHAHA!

Margaery: This is TERRIBLE! Can’t the King order me released?

Cersei: Alas, no. For the king and the church must be separate now. I guess it will all be decided at your trial.

Margaery: WHAT?! TRIAL?!

Cersei: Yeah. You’re going to have a trial though. Don’t worry. You can ask for a trial by combat.

Margaery: W…what? A trial by combat?

Margaery’s eyes narrow.

Cersei: Why yes, of course.

Margaery: My brother, Loras, is sick. Very sick. He is unable to defend me.

Cersei: Well, you know… it WOULD have to be someone on the Kingsguard to defend your honor. Since you are the King’s wife. And since Osney Kettleblack has been arrested for sinning with you, it can’t be him. In fact, he’ll be the one that the guy you name has to fight. You certainly can’t ask Osney’s brother either. Which leaves only Blount and Trant.

Margaery: YOU VILE, SCHEMING BITCH!!!! YOU DID THIS! YOU DID THIS!!!!!

Cersei: WHAAAA? MEEEE? NO! NO!

Margaery: I WILL DESTROY YOU, CERSEI! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Cersei: MWAHAHAHA! I AM AN EVIL GENIUS! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PROVE THIS! I AM UN-DEFEATABLE! Now… to go have a hilarious, gloating conversation with the High Septon.

She goes to do that.

Cersei: Oh, High Septon! This is terrible what has happened. Surely Margaery is innocent.

High Septon: That is for a trial to decide, Cersei.

Cersei: Yes, yes. A trial. Of course. You know. Since this is a religious crime… I guess it should be a religious trial, huh?

High Septon: I agree, of course. Unless she asks for a trial by combat.

Cersei: WHELP! I guess it is what it is then, huh? Well, now if you’ll just be excusing me… time to be on my way. I’ll just collect Ser Osney Kettleblack on my way out though. No need for the Church to have him arrested too. Seems more like something that the King should handle.

High Septon: No.

Cersei: Uhh… excuse me?

High Septon: No. He shall remain here.

Cersei: I DEMAND TO SEE HIM!

High Septon: Oh, I do not have a problem with that. Come this way.

Cersei is taken to Ser Osney’s jail cell inside of the Sept.  There, she finds Osney. He has been tortured and beaten. Cersei has a look of total shock on her face.

Cersei: You… you cannot do this! Why are you… ?

High Septon: Osney confessed to his deeds indeed. But the more we whipped him, the more his condessions changed. Now he says that he has never touched Margaery. But he did commit the sin of sleeping with a Queen. *ahem* Osney, is this true. Do you have carnal knowledge of the queen?

Osney: Yeah. That one there.

He points at Cersei.

Osney: She told me to lie about Margaery. And also told me to kill the last High Septon.

Cersei turns and runs.

She makes it about four steps before she’s totally surrounded by septas. They beat her down and drag her into a cell.

Cersei: YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I AM THE QUEEN! I AM A LANNISTER!

They tear her clothes off  and lock her in there.

Cersei: FUCK ALL OF YOU! FUCK THIS PLACE!

She picks up a chamber pot and throws it across the room.

Septa Unella: Hi there. I’m Septa Unella. You and me are going to become fast friends. *rings bell*

Cersei: Is that bell supposed to scare me?

Unella: Oh, it will. It will.

Cersei: Actually, I sort of need to pee now. Maybe a deuce soon.

Unella: Well, you angrily threw your chamber pot and broke it to pieces. Which means now you'll just be peeing and shitting on the very same floor  that you'll be sleeping on. Naked. And did I say "sleeping?" Oops. Because you're going to get little of that.

As with Margaery, she’s visited every hour and told to confess. She does not. They give her food that she rejects.

Time passes, with Cersei in bondage.

Eventually, Qyburn arrives. Is it two days later? Thee? One? Five weeks? Who knows. But it’s enough time for a lot of shit to have gone down.

Cersei: QYBURN! OMG!!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

Qyburn: Ah, I wish I could, Cersei. But you are to be put on trial by a holy court of seven for murder, treason, and fornication.

Cersei: NOOOOOO! BUT I’M AN EVIL GENIUS! THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD FAIL!

Qyburn: Yes, giving a radical, religious fundamentalist sect total independence and power apart from the crown SEEMED like it was a good idea, didn’t it? Ensuring that all competent people running the kingdom were ostracized by you SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it? Replacing all the members of the small council with yes-men who just did what you wanted SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it? Ostracizing all other houses against the Lannisters to consolidate your own power SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it?  Creating a bullshit story about Queen Margaery having an affair with Osney that could easily be called into question by a single person being tortured SEEMED like a good idea, didn’t it?  You had a lot of GREAT IDEAS. It’s hard to believe that this all came tumbling down on you. So, so very strange.

Cersei: I know, right?

Qyburn: I was being sarcastic.

Cersei: Huh?

Qyburn: Anyway, Queen Margaery is still to be tried herself as well. Osney recanting his story hasn’t changed that.

Cersei: Ah, well that’s some good news. So they don’t totally believe Osney then. Huh? This could still end up well.

Qyburn: That’s about the only bit of good news I have for you then. Remember what the narrator said a few lines ago about a lot of shit going down?

Cersei: Uh huh.

Qyburn: Osfyrd Kettleblack has been removed from the City Watch, as ordered by Ser Harys Swyft and Grand Maester Pyelle.

Cersei: How dare they! What did Lord Merryweather have to say about tha—

Qyburn: —Merryweather is gone, my Queen. He resigned from his seat on the council as soon as he heard of your arrest. He and his wife, Taena, seem to have fled to his estate.  Swyft and Pycelle have summoned your uncle Kevan to assume the regency in your place.

Cersei: WHAT!? NO! KEVAN!? BUT I HATE HIM! At least Taena won’t be around to testify against me though. Because I told all of my plans and plots to her.

Qyburn: Remember that fleet we had?

Cersei: We had? What are you talking about? Why are you talking in past tense?

Qyburn: Because it’s gone. Aurane Waters sailed away with it. We have no idea where he’s going. He’s either going to join Team Stannis, or he’s going to turn pirate.

Cersei: WHAT?!

Qyburn: Cersei, all your allies are gone. There is nobody left to speak in your defense. I urge you to request a trial by combat.

Cersei: A trial by combat? Yes… that’s a good idea.

Qyburn: Of course, as a QUEEN YOU WILL HAVE TO BE DEFENDED BY A MEMBER OF THE KINGSGUARD.

Cersei: Wait… that means my only options are… Trant and Blount?

Somewhere in the distance, Margaery laughs.

Cersei: FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!

Qyburn: Indeed.

Cersei: NO WAIT! My brother is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard! He can fight for me!

Qyburn: Yeah, two problems with that. First, he had his sword-fighting hand cut off. Second, in another idea that I’m sure you thought was a really good idea at the time, you also KICKED HIM OUT OF THE CITY.

Cersei: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Okay, so maybe I made a slight mistake or two in my plotting. Whatever. I’ll just send back for Jaime. Make sure a raven is sent to Riverrun. Tell Jaime he must come back to Kings Landing at once to be my champion and prove my innocence. Oh. And also… tell him that I love him.

Qyburn: Eww. Really. You want me to write that in a letter?

Cersei: Yeah. Hell, write it three times.

Qyburn: Oh-kay. If you say so. Still though. Are you sure it’s a good idea?

Cersei: JUST WRITE IT! Pretty much everyone knows we’re banging anyway.

Qyburn: No, I mean are you sure that it’s a good idea for JAIME to be your champion? Jaime with the one hand?  If he’s your champion and he loses… well…

Cersei: Yes… then we BOTH die. But we will die together.

Qyburn: Hrm. Interesting that you would say that. About you two dying together. Sounds… sort of prophetic. Dying with your YOUNGER BROTHER, some would say “valonqar,” and all.

Cersei: *blinks obliviously*