Tyrion Lannister spends the entirety of his journey across the Narrow Sea completely drunk on wine, and having nightmares about his first wife, Tysha, his traitorous ho Shae, and his father. Especially the last two, and killing them.
He remains haunted again and again by Lord Tywin’s final words.
Sure they are. At least according to this blog.
Tyrion: Ah yes, according this blog they were. But that’s not what I was going for.
Yeah, well, right before that part, it was like…
Well that sounds stupid.
Tyrion: YOU SOUND STUPID!
You’re drunk, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Well yes, we’ve obviously established that already.
Tyrion spends his time on the boat throwing up and thinking about that. Finally, they reach port.
Tyrion: Oh thank god. I can get off this ship at least. Where did we go? I hope it’s Dorne. I bet Dorne would be super cool. Or maybe the Wall. I could live the rest of my life on the Wall. I was there once before and it seemed okay. I travelled up there with that Jon Snow bastard guy and he seemed sort of cool. Grumpkins and Snarks and all that. Remember? No. It’s too warm here to be the Wall. Where am I?
Captain: Shut up and get in this wine cask.
Tyrion: Why?
Captain: The entire world is looking for your ass. You think I’m going to allow you to be seen walking off my ship? Nah, shorty.
The captain picks him up, throws him in the cask, and seals it shut. He then sticks something up the bunghole.
Tyrion: Whoa buddy! Buy me dinner first and ask me about my life.
Captain: What? No. I mean the actual bunghole of the wine cask. A hole drilled into a liquid-tight barrel to remove contents. The hole is capped with a large cork-like object, called a “bung.”
Tyrion: Oh.
Tyrion is transported in the barrel on a wagon. It takes FOREVER to get there. He bumps up and down in the barrel over and over again. His head smashes into the sides and he vomits all over himself. But then again he’s been vomiting all over himself for quite a bit already. So really, this is his new normal.
Finally he reaches his destination and he’s let out. He stand before a super fat guy.
Tyrion: Who the hell are you? *vomits wine*
Illyrio Mopatis: I am Illyrio Mopatis! I have not been seen for a whole lot of books, but rest assured… I am still a very important character!
Tyrion: If you say so. Wait. Why would Varys send me across the Narrow Sea to you? Aren’t you supposed to be some ally of Dany the Dragon Queen?
Illyrio: Yes, but I’m also secretly an ally of Varys, as established by Arya Stark quite a long time ago, if you were paying attention.
Tyrion: Oh shit! Really? So does that mean that this whole time when we were trying to figure out who Varys was really loyal to… it was Dany the entire time, and it should have been obvious since the very first book? Because the first book outright already said it if you just paid attention!?
Illyrio: Maybe. But please, let us talk of these things later. You need to be bathed and dressed in clean clothes, and then treated to a delicious meal.
Tyrion: Your accent… is this… Pentos?
Illyrio: Indeed. You’re pretty good with accents, aren’t you?
Tyrion: I suppose. Where do whores go?
Illyrio: Huh? No… wait… don’t answer. I have business to attend to. We will talk later.
Illyrio leaves and his servants begin to tend to Tyrion. Tyrion knows not to trust any of them, because they are allies of Varys and Varys is obviously… well… a shady motherfucker. People with nicknames like “Spider” are not generally known for their trustworthiness.
Peter Parker: Whatever, dude.
Tyrion finds some new and clean clothes waiting for him and puts them on. Of course they don’t fit because they were designed for a child, rather than for a dwarf. He walks out and thinks of escape.
Tyrion: Maybe I should get out of here. I don’t want to be in fucking Pentos. I can’t trust this Illyrio guy. I know nothing about Essos. I belong in Westeros! I should…. Ohh… more wine!!!
While wandering, he stumbles into Illyrio Mopatis’s palace wine cellar. So he pours himself EVEN MORE WINE and continues to get drunk more.Which seems like a bad idea.
After getting into another drunken stupor, he wanders out into Illyrio Mopatis’s beautiful gardens.
There he finds some washerwomen hanging up clothes. At first he ignores them and just mumbles to himself.
Tyrion: Where should I go when I sneak out of here? Maybe I should go back to the Wall. Or to Dorne with my niece Myrcella. Yeah. I should crown her and name her queen.
He then stumbles over to the women and speaks to them, assuming they do not know the common tongue.
Tyrion: Excuse me bitches, do you know where whores go?
Washerwoman 1: Probably CVS to pick up their Valtrex prescription.
Washerwoman 2: Whore Island?
Tyrion: HAHAHA! That’s what my dad said! The latter one, I mean! *hiccup* Sorry, I didn’t even know you girls spoke Westorsi. I was just messing with you and… uhh… uhh…
He falls over, drunk, and lands on the ground. He sees some mushrooms there.
Tyrion: Ooo! Mushrooms. That looks a lot like an Amanita phalloides, AKA "deathcap mushroom." I bet it is poisonous. Mmm. Poison.
He grabs the mushrooms out of the ground and stuffs them in his pocket. Then he passes out.
He wakes up later, attended by a beautiful blonde girl.
Tyrion: Oh hey there. Who are you?
Blonde: I am here to serve you, in whatever you wish and whatever pleasures you.You know what I mean.
She unbuttons the top button of her blouse. It's from Zara, by the way.
Tyrion: Oh, so you’re one of Illyrio Mopatis’s whores, huh? I guess he did have some of those, right? Because those three girls that traveled with Dany were originally Illyrio Mopatis’s hos, if I remember right.
Blonde: I suppose. But I’m a different blonde one than the one that went with Dany. That was Doreah. She died in the dessert.
Tyrion: Where do whores go?
Blonde: Various places. As just explained, one of them went out to the desert to die. If you want... this particular whore can go... down on you.
Tyrion: I’M A MONSTER! I WILL KILL YOU! MWAHAHAHA!
Blonde: Jesus, you’re fucking creepy. Bye.
She leaves, which is the right call.
Later, it’s dinner time and Tyrion is dressed up yet again in a new outfit (which also doesn’t fit) for dinner with Illyrio.
Illyrio: So, did you like the girl I sent you?
Tyrion: No. I sort of threatened her and scared her away. Is she a slave?
Illyrio: Whaaaa? A slave? No!
Tyrion: But if I told her to have sex with me, she would have?
Illyrio: Yes, of course.
Tyrion: So she’s a slave?
Illyrio: Of course not! My people will do as I bid them to and they will never betray me because they love and trust me.
Tyrion: Uh huh. Sure. So… slave. I see.
Illyrio: Ah, and here comes the main dish… prepared just for you, Tyrion!
A server comes out and sets a dish before Tyrion. He opens the lid. It’s the mushrooms that drunk Tyrion had pulled from the ground earlier.
Tyrion: Oh shit.
Illyrio: I always treat my guests well here. If my guest wishes to end his life…he should do so! I will not stop him.
Tyrion: I… I… I…
Tyrion doesn’t know what to do. Earlier when he was super drunk and mopey, he did think about killing himself. But now?
Tyrion: No. I don’t want to die.
Illyrio: Oh, that’s cool.
Illyrio grabs one of the mushrooms off Tyrion’s plate and eats it.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! So they weren’t poisoned?
Illyrio: No, asshole. Why the hell am I going to waste all these times and resources smuggling you across the sea in secrecy, just to kill you here at my palace?
Tyrion: I guess that's a good point. Those sure looked a lot like deathcap mushrooms though.
Illyrio: No, they are Volvariella volvacea, AKA the "paddy straw mushroom." In their button stage, patty straw mushrooms closely resemble poisonous death caps, but can be distinguished by several mycological features, including their pink spore print.
Tyrion: Oh right, right. Of course. Spore prints of death caps are white. Good point.
Illyrio: A better point is that if I wanted you dead... we could have easily have thrown your ass overboard in the middle of the sea. Or better yet, just given you back to Cersei. The Queen has offered a lordship to whoever brings her your head.
Tyrion: That doesn’t surprise me at all. And why have you not taken up Cersei on this generous offer of hers?
Illyrio: Some things are worth more than the gold of Cersei Lannister. And I have... well... loyalty. To someone else.
Tyrion: If you say so. So do you have any other plot exposition I might need to know about? Just drop a few things on me now, so I can get up to speed with everything that has been happening.
Illyrio: Astapor and Meereen have fallen. Stannis Baratheon is at the Wall.
Tyrion: Ah, all good to know.
Illyrio: And I’ve learned something from you as well, Lord Tyrion. The washerwomen tell me that you were talking about sneaking out of her, going to Dorne, and crowning Myrcella.
Tyrion: Yeah. I did, didn’t I? I guess I just figured they didn’t speak the common tongue. It’s a poor mistake. But then again, I was shitfaced drunk.
He then gulps down another bottle of wine.
Illyrio: Was?
Tyrion: Ah yes. Perhaps the past tense isn’t accurate. I am still drunk AF.
Illyrio: You do know that crowning Myrcella is pretty much the same as killing her, right?
Tyrion: True, true. You seem to know about Westeros fairly well from Varys. It would be a futile gesture. But then again, futile gestures are all that I have left. My life is over. I am a Lannister and nobody likes Lannisters, especially not the only remaining Lannisters. I can never go back. All of Westeros thinks I’m sort of monster. And I can never inherit Casterly Rock, even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted in life.
Illyrio: What if I told you that your life isn’t over? What if I told you that there is another way back to Casterly Rock? What if I told you that stories of your cunning and brilliance have travelled to my ears and I believe you have a role left to serve in the wars to come? What if I told you that you can still be a trusted advisor to the rightful ruler of Westeros? A savior.
Tyrion: I’m intrigued, but skeptical. Go on.
Illyrio: There is another. Stronger than Tommen. Gentler than Stannis. A better claim than Myrcella. A savior from across the sea.
Tyrion: Okay, just tell me fucking who.
Illyrio: A dragon. A dragon… with three heads!
Tyrion: OH SHIT! King Ghidorah?! That’s so AWESOME!
Illyrio: No. I mean… ugh… never mind.
He remains haunted again and again by Lord Tywin’s final words.
Tywin: I’m a really feared and respected character. This is a super embarrassing way to go.Tyrion: What? Huh? No! Those aren’t his last words.
Sure they are. At least according to this blog.
Tyrion: Ah yes, according this blog they were. But that’s not what I was going for.
Yeah, well, right before that part, it was like…
Tyrion: ...TYSHA! What did you do with Tysha?Tyrion: Yes, okay, okay. I remember that too. But I’m very drunk and I want to remember the line a different way. I want to remember it as me saying…
Tywin: Who the fuck is Tysha?
Tyrion: MY WIFE! Remember? The one I married? Then you made me watch her—
Tywin: Oh right, right. That whore.
Tyrion: SHE WASN’T A WHORE! DON’T CALL HER A WHORE!
Tywin: I mean, okay. Sure. Whatever you say, son.
Tyrion: I ASKED YOU, WHERE DID SHE GO?!
Tywin: I dunno. Probably Whore Island or something.
Tyrion shoots the crossbow.
Tywin: AGH!!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE DICK!
Tyrion: Yeah. That’s better. So I’ll just always remember his last words as “wherever whores go.” And I’ll go around asking everyone where whores go.
Tyrion: Where is Tysha?
Tywin: Wherever whores go.
Well that sounds stupid.
Tyrion: YOU SOUND STUPID!
You’re drunk, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Well yes, we’ve obviously established that already.
Tyrion spends his time on the boat throwing up and thinking about that. Finally, they reach port.
Tyrion: Oh thank god. I can get off this ship at least. Where did we go? I hope it’s Dorne. I bet Dorne would be super cool. Or maybe the Wall. I could live the rest of my life on the Wall. I was there once before and it seemed okay. I travelled up there with that Jon Snow bastard guy and he seemed sort of cool. Grumpkins and Snarks and all that. Remember? No. It’s too warm here to be the Wall. Where am I?
Captain: Shut up and get in this wine cask.
Tyrion: Why?
Captain: The entire world is looking for your ass. You think I’m going to allow you to be seen walking off my ship? Nah, shorty.
The captain picks him up, throws him in the cask, and seals it shut. He then sticks something up the bunghole.
Tyrion: Whoa buddy! Buy me dinner first and ask me about my life.
Captain: What? No. I mean the actual bunghole of the wine cask. A hole drilled into a liquid-tight barrel to remove contents. The hole is capped with a large cork-like object, called a “bung.”
Tyrion: Oh.
Tyrion is transported in the barrel on a wagon. It takes FOREVER to get there. He bumps up and down in the barrel over and over again. His head smashes into the sides and he vomits all over himself. But then again he’s been vomiting all over himself for quite a bit already. So really, this is his new normal.
Finally he reaches his destination and he’s let out. He stand before a super fat guy.
Tyrion: Who the hell are you? *vomits wine*
Illyrio Mopatis: I am Illyrio Mopatis! I have not been seen for a whole lot of books, but rest assured… I am still a very important character!
Tyrion: If you say so. Wait. Why would Varys send me across the Narrow Sea to you? Aren’t you supposed to be some ally of Dany the Dragon Queen?
Illyrio: Yes, but I’m also secretly an ally of Varys, as established by Arya Stark quite a long time ago, if you were paying attention.
Tyrion: Oh shit! Really? So does that mean that this whole time when we were trying to figure out who Varys was really loyal to… it was Dany the entire time, and it should have been obvious since the very first book? Because the first book outright already said it if you just paid attention!?
Illyrio: Maybe. But please, let us talk of these things later. You need to be bathed and dressed in clean clothes, and then treated to a delicious meal.
Tyrion: Your accent… is this… Pentos?
Illyrio: Indeed. You’re pretty good with accents, aren’t you?
Tyrion: I suppose. Where do whores go?
Illyrio: Huh? No… wait… don’t answer. I have business to attend to. We will talk later.
Illyrio leaves and his servants begin to tend to Tyrion. Tyrion knows not to trust any of them, because they are allies of Varys and Varys is obviously… well… a shady motherfucker. People with nicknames like “Spider” are not generally known for their trustworthiness.
Peter Parker: Whatever, dude.
Tyrion finds some new and clean clothes waiting for him and puts them on. Of course they don’t fit because they were designed for a child, rather than for a dwarf. He walks out and thinks of escape.
Tyrion: Maybe I should get out of here. I don’t want to be in fucking Pentos. I can’t trust this Illyrio guy. I know nothing about Essos. I belong in Westeros! I should…. Ohh… more wine!!!
While wandering, he stumbles into Illyrio Mopatis’s palace wine cellar. So he pours himself EVEN MORE WINE and continues to get drunk more.Which seems like a bad idea.
After getting into another drunken stupor, he wanders out into Illyrio Mopatis’s beautiful gardens.
There he finds some washerwomen hanging up clothes. At first he ignores them and just mumbles to himself.
Tyrion: Where should I go when I sneak out of here? Maybe I should go back to the Wall. Or to Dorne with my niece Myrcella. Yeah. I should crown her and name her queen.
He then stumbles over to the women and speaks to them, assuming they do not know the common tongue.
Tyrion: Excuse me bitches, do you know where whores go?
Washerwoman 1: Probably CVS to pick up their Valtrex prescription.
Washerwoman 2: Whore Island?
Tyrion: HAHAHA! That’s what my dad said! The latter one, I mean! *hiccup* Sorry, I didn’t even know you girls spoke Westorsi. I was just messing with you and… uhh… uhh…
He falls over, drunk, and lands on the ground. He sees some mushrooms there.
Tyrion: Ooo! Mushrooms. That looks a lot like an Amanita phalloides, AKA "deathcap mushroom." I bet it is poisonous. Mmm. Poison.
He grabs the mushrooms out of the ground and stuffs them in his pocket. Then he passes out.
He wakes up later, attended by a beautiful blonde girl.
Tyrion: Oh hey there. Who are you?
Blonde: I am here to serve you, in whatever you wish and whatever pleasures you.You know what I mean.
She unbuttons the top button of her blouse. It's from Zara, by the way.
Tyrion: Oh, so you’re one of Illyrio Mopatis’s whores, huh? I guess he did have some of those, right? Because those three girls that traveled with Dany were originally Illyrio Mopatis’s hos, if I remember right.
Blonde: I suppose. But I’m a different blonde one than the one that went with Dany. That was Doreah. She died in the dessert.
Tyrion: Where do whores go?
Blonde: Various places. As just explained, one of them went out to the desert to die. If you want... this particular whore can go... down on you.
Tyrion: I’M A MONSTER! I WILL KILL YOU! MWAHAHAHA!
Blonde: Jesus, you’re fucking creepy. Bye.
She leaves, which is the right call.
Later, it’s dinner time and Tyrion is dressed up yet again in a new outfit (which also doesn’t fit) for dinner with Illyrio.
Illyrio: So, did you like the girl I sent you?
Tyrion: No. I sort of threatened her and scared her away. Is she a slave?
Illyrio: Whaaaa? A slave? No!
Tyrion: But if I told her to have sex with me, she would have?
Illyrio: Yes, of course.
Tyrion: So she’s a slave?
Illyrio: Of course not! My people will do as I bid them to and they will never betray me because they love and trust me.
Tyrion: Uh huh. Sure. So… slave. I see.
Illyrio: Ah, and here comes the main dish… prepared just for you, Tyrion!
A server comes out and sets a dish before Tyrion. He opens the lid. It’s the mushrooms that drunk Tyrion had pulled from the ground earlier.
Tyrion: Oh shit.
Illyrio: I always treat my guests well here. If my guest wishes to end his life…he should do so! I will not stop him.
Tyrion: I… I… I…
Tyrion doesn’t know what to do. Earlier when he was super drunk and mopey, he did think about killing himself. But now?
Tyrion: No. I don’t want to die.
Illyrio: Oh, that’s cool.
Illyrio grabs one of the mushrooms off Tyrion’s plate and eats it.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! So they weren’t poisoned?
Illyrio: No, asshole. Why the hell am I going to waste all these times and resources smuggling you across the sea in secrecy, just to kill you here at my palace?
Tyrion: I guess that's a good point. Those sure looked a lot like deathcap mushrooms though.
Illyrio: No, they are Volvariella volvacea, AKA the "paddy straw mushroom." In their button stage, patty straw mushrooms closely resemble poisonous death caps, but can be distinguished by several mycological features, including their pink spore print.
Tyrion: Oh right, right. Of course. Spore prints of death caps are white. Good point.
Illyrio: A better point is that if I wanted you dead... we could have easily have thrown your ass overboard in the middle of the sea. Or better yet, just given you back to Cersei. The Queen has offered a lordship to whoever brings her your head.
Tyrion: That doesn’t surprise me at all. And why have you not taken up Cersei on this generous offer of hers?
Illyrio: Some things are worth more than the gold of Cersei Lannister. And I have... well... loyalty. To someone else.
Tyrion: If you say so. So do you have any other plot exposition I might need to know about? Just drop a few things on me now, so I can get up to speed with everything that has been happening.
Illyrio: Astapor and Meereen have fallen. Stannis Baratheon is at the Wall.
Tyrion: Ah, all good to know.
Illyrio: And I’ve learned something from you as well, Lord Tyrion. The washerwomen tell me that you were talking about sneaking out of her, going to Dorne, and crowning Myrcella.
Tyrion: Yeah. I did, didn’t I? I guess I just figured they didn’t speak the common tongue. It’s a poor mistake. But then again, I was shitfaced drunk.
He then gulps down another bottle of wine.
Illyrio: Was?
Tyrion: Ah yes. Perhaps the past tense isn’t accurate. I am still drunk AF.
Illyrio: You do know that crowning Myrcella is pretty much the same as killing her, right?
Tyrion: True, true. You seem to know about Westeros fairly well from Varys. It would be a futile gesture. But then again, futile gestures are all that I have left. My life is over. I am a Lannister and nobody likes Lannisters, especially not the only remaining Lannisters. I can never go back. All of Westeros thinks I’m sort of monster. And I can never inherit Casterly Rock, even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted in life.
Illyrio: What if I told you that your life isn’t over? What if I told you that there is another way back to Casterly Rock? What if I told you that stories of your cunning and brilliance have travelled to my ears and I believe you have a role left to serve in the wars to come? What if I told you that you can still be a trusted advisor to the rightful ruler of Westeros? A savior.
Tyrion: I’m intrigued, but skeptical. Go on.
Illyrio: There is another. Stronger than Tommen. Gentler than Stannis. A better claim than Myrcella. A savior from across the sea.
Tyrion: Okay, just tell me fucking who.
Illyrio: A dragon. A dragon… with three heads!
Tyrion: OH SHIT! King Ghidorah?! That’s so AWESOME!
Illyrio: No. I mean… ugh… never mind.
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