Tyrion is waiting in the black cells beneath the Red Keep. He knows he’s going to be executed, but he doesn’t know when. Or how.
Tyrion: Hrm. I wonder if it will be a public execution. So everyone can see and point and laugh and throw rotten vegetables at me. Or maybe they’ll make it private. Maybe they’ll just kill me down here and nobody will ever see or hear from me again.
Door: *knock*knock*
Tyrion: Oh shit! I guess the time has come. Nobody has seen or some for me in days. I guess this will be my executioner.
Jaime: No, it’s me.
Tyrion: Well, it’s pitch black in here, so I can’t tell who you are.
Jaime: Wait. Here. Let me turn on the flashlight on my iPhone.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! JAIME?! When did you get back to King’s Landing?!
Jaime: A while ago.
Tyrion: Dude, you missed A LOT when you were gone.
Jaime: Yeah, and you missed A LOT when I was gone too. Like this, for instance.
Jaime holds up his stump arm.
Tyrion: Dude? They cut your masturbating arm off?! That’s totally not cool.
Jaime: Well, technically I called it my “swordfighting arm,” but yeah. I guess it’s the same one.
Tyrion: So have you learned to adjust and use your left one yet?
Jaime: Yeah, I’ve been training out in the courtyard and… uhh… wait… you’re talking about masturbating again rather than swordfighting, huh?
Tyrion: Yes. Anyway. You see my face?
Jaime: Yes. You lost a nose.
Tyrion: You lost a hand. I lost a nose. Us Lannister boys just can’t hold onto our body parts, huh? So are YOU my executioner?
Jaime: What, for killing my dipshit son Joffrey? Haha, I hate that kid. Short answer – no. I’m not your executioner. Your executioner is supposed to take you out on the tourney grounds tomorrow morning. That will never happen though. I’m here to rescue you!
Tyrion: What what WHAAAAT?! Oh, thank god. I was really worried that I’d be executed and these books would become a lot less interesting. I mean, I thought main POV characters like me were too important to die. I though that Ned thing was just a fluke. Like, “Okay, well, they just made him seem like he’d be a main character but he was destined to die in the first book all along.” But then after Cat died too? Oh shit man, they built her complex stories up for THREE BOOKS and still killed her off. Once she was gone, I figured…
Jaime: --Shut up, Tyrion. Let me help you out of these chains.
Tyrion: So I can…what? Just walk past the guards?
Jaime: The guards are asleep. Varys dosed their drinks with some roofies.
Tyrion: VARYS?! That traitorous asshole is why I’m in here! He totally lied about me in court! Oh… and also… are you worried about the guards?
Jaime: It’s just roofies. They’ll wake up.
Tyrion: Yeah, well… they’ll wake up and I’ll be missing. Then they’ll be blamed for it and will probably be executed.
Jaime: What? Nooooo! Everyone will know their drinks were dosed. That seems like an overreaction to the situation. They’d be faultless.
Tyrion: Un hunnnnnnnn.
Jaime: Don’t worry about that now, bro. You have a boat to catch. You’re going to catch a ship to the Free Cities. You’ll get out of here where they can never get you.
Tyrion: Oh please. I’m a blonde dwarf. I can’t hide anywhere. I’ll stick out like a sorer thumb, wherever I go.
Jaime: Well, I can’t really do shit about that. Be safe brother.
Jaime kisses him on the cheeks.
Tyrion: Dude, you can seriously get in trouble for helping me. Why risk yourself like this?
Jaime: Because you’re my brother, man. Oh, and also… I owed you a debt.
Tyrion: A debt for what?
Jaime: You know. That whole Tysha thing.
Tyrion: What Tysha thing?
Jaime: You know… your first wife? Remember how you thought you were in love with her and lived a happy number of weeks together until me and my dad revealed to you that she was actually a whore that we paid for? Then dad made you watch a gang of soldiers run a train on her.
Tyrion: Uhm… yes. I obviously remember that.
Jaime: Ah, well. That lie was a lie. She actually was a woman who fell in love with you. A crofter’s daughter you met by chance on the road, just like you thought. I had nothing to do with it. She wasn’t a whore and I didn’t hire her. But after dad found out… well… he thought he’d teach you a lesson and made up the whole story. He sort of forced her to go along with it or, you know, he’d have probably murdered her.
Tyrion: WHAT?!
Jaime: Yeah, sorry about that.
Tyrion: YOU SON OF A—
Jaime: Hey man, it’s not like it was my idea. It was all dad. I had to go along with it. I was… like… a kid too. How was I supposed to…
Tyrion: --DUDE, I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Tyrion slaps him.
Jaime: I mean… part of me says I deserve that, but the other part of me is like, “Dude I’m saving your life and that story is still really about what DAD did and it wans’t me. Although I do feel guilty about being forced to go along and not telling you the truth.”
Tyrion: I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Jaime: Yeah. Totally. I know. I get it. Remember how we were sending you on a boat to the free cities? The whole “we’ll never see each other again” was sort of the whole point of the thing.
Tyrion: If we meet again… I’ll kill you.
Jaime: I know I lost my right hand and everything… but that seems pretty unlikely. So asshole, did you kill my stupid son or not? Cersei says you did.
Tyrion: Cersei is a stupid, fucking, lying whore. While you were away she was fucking Lancel, Osmund Kettleblack and probably Moonboy for all I know.
Jaime: Whaaaaaaa?
Tyrion is furious with Jaime. Jaime has lied to him for all these years. Tyrion knows he can’t hurt him with a sword… so he’ll hurt him with words. A lie for a lie!
Tyrion: Yes, I killed your stupid fucking son. He would have been a worse king than Aerys!
Jaime: Ah, well. I don’t care.
Tyrion: WHAT?! No! You’re supposed to be deeply hurt by my words. I’ve suffered for years with the memory of Tysha. You’ve scarred my psyche! You’ve ruined my life. I’m probably an angry, alcoholic shitface because of that torment you caused me. Now I’m taking my revenge by scarring your psyche! You’ll forever think I murdered your son. You’ll feel the deep pain of that every day. You’ll know I got my sweet revenge on you.
Jaime: No. Not really. I fucking hated that kid. Really, if anything I should give you a firm handshake and a thanks. But. You know. Missing hand and everything.
Tyrion: BE SAD! BE ANGRY, DAMNIT!
Jaime: Meh. Bye, Tyrion. Varys is waiting for you down that corridor.
Tyrion: GOD DAMNIT!
Tyrion leaves and goes down the corridor, passing the passed out guards.
Tyrion: VARYS! YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!
He starts punching him. But, you know, at knee-level and stuff.
Varys: OW! OW! OW! Stop! Hey man! That trial thing wasn’t my fault! I had no choice. I was forced to speak against you!
Tyrion: Whatever.
Varys: Besides, if you kill me… you’ll never find your way out. Unless I explain to you all the directions.
Tyrion: Okay, explain to me all of the directions.
Varys does so.
Tyrion: Cool. Hey. This room looks familiar. REALLY familiar. I think I’ve been here before. This is part of the same tunnels and secret passages that lead to the Tower of the Hand, right?
Varys: Of course.
Tyrion: So tell me how to get to the Tower of the Hand.
Varys: Dude, you’ve got a boat to catch.
Tyrion: I SAID TELL ME!
For some reason Varys tells him.
Tyrion: Okay, bye.
Varys: Where the hell are you going?
Tyrion: I’ll be back, asshat. You gave me the directions, after all.
Varys: But…
Tyrion climbs up a ladder and a bunch of other tunnels to the Tower of the Hand. It’s a difficult climb and Tyrion is exhausted. But he makes it up, and emerges out of the Tower of the Hand.
He sees someone sleeping in the bed… the bed that used to be his, but how belongs to his asshole father.
Tyrion: Well, well, well father. I see that you’ve lost some weight, grown some boobs and now look like Sh….. SHAE?!
Shae: Uhhm…. Oh shit.
Shae is laying there in Lord Tywin’s bed, naked other than the chain of the Hand of the King that she is wearing.
Shae: Soooo… uh… baby, baby, baby. What had happened was—
Tyrion: Oh… you are in such deep shit.
Shae: SHE MADE ME! The queen! She learned about me and made me! I’m sorry sorry, I love you so much and I meant everything I ever said about loving y--*UGHHHHHHH*
But Tyrion has grabbed the chain around her neck and slowly strangles her with it.
Shae: …
Tyrion: Yep. This is how it’s going down, bitch. Sorry!
She dies. Because Tyrion slowly choked the life out of her. Yep.
Tyrion gets out of bed and looks around.
Tyrion: Oh hey look! A crossbow.
Tyrion then hears some whistling in the bathroom. He goes over.
Tyrion: Hey dad!
Tywin: AGH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh… OH SHIT! Son! I’m taking a dump here.
Tyrion: Well, I can see that, asshole.
Tywin: Put that crossbow down.
Tyrion: DUDE. YOU’RE EXECUTING ME!
Tywin: Whaaaaaaa? Me? Noooooo! That was never going to happen, man. You know I wasn’t actually going to go through with all that. Yeah. Uhm. Totally. I was going to free you, right before the execution. Yeah. *shifty eyes* I was going to let you take up the black and send you to the Wall. It was all the big plan!
Tyrion: TYSHA! What did you do with Tysha?
Tywin: Who the fuck is Tysha?
Tyrion: MY WIFE! Remember? The one I married? Then you made me watch her—
Tywin: Oh right, right. That whore.
Tyrion: SHE WASN’T A WHORE! DON’T CALL HER A WHORE!
Tywin: I mean, okay. Sure. Whatever you say, son.
Tyrion: I ASKED YOU, WHERE DID SHE GO?!
Tywin: I dunno. Probably Whore Island or something.
Tyrion shoots the crossbow.
Tywin: AGH!!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE DICK!
Tyrion: So I did.
Tywin: ON THE TOILET!
Tyrion: Correct.
Tywin: And… and… I think I’m shitting myself as I die.
Tyrion: Yes, I can smell it.
Tywin: I’m a really feared and respected character. This is a super embarrassing way to go.
Tyrion: It is.
Tywin: *dies*
Tyrion: Hahaha… look at that! I murdered my dad! And everyone said he shits gold. But he doesn’t, does he? He shits shit! Hahahaha! OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! THIS BASICALLY LEAVES CERSEI IN CHARGE NOW. WHAT A HORRIBLE IDEA.
Tyrion drops the crossbow and runs back towards the secret passages.
Tyrion: Hrm. I wonder if it will be a public execution. So everyone can see and point and laugh and throw rotten vegetables at me. Or maybe they’ll make it private. Maybe they’ll just kill me down here and nobody will ever see or hear from me again.
Door: *knock*knock*
Tyrion: Oh shit! I guess the time has come. Nobody has seen or some for me in days. I guess this will be my executioner.
Jaime: No, it’s me.
Tyrion: Well, it’s pitch black in here, so I can’t tell who you are.
Jaime: Wait. Here. Let me turn on the flashlight on my iPhone.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! JAIME?! When did you get back to King’s Landing?!
Jaime: A while ago.
Tyrion: Dude, you missed A LOT when you were gone.
Jaime: Yeah, and you missed A LOT when I was gone too. Like this, for instance.
Jaime holds up his stump arm.
Tyrion: Dude? They cut your masturbating arm off?! That’s totally not cool.
Jaime: Well, technically I called it my “swordfighting arm,” but yeah. I guess it’s the same one.
Tyrion: So have you learned to adjust and use your left one yet?
Jaime: Yeah, I’ve been training out in the courtyard and… uhh… wait… you’re talking about masturbating again rather than swordfighting, huh?
Tyrion: Yes. Anyway. You see my face?
Jaime: Yes. You lost a nose.
Tyrion: You lost a hand. I lost a nose. Us Lannister boys just can’t hold onto our body parts, huh? So are YOU my executioner?
Jaime: What, for killing my dipshit son Joffrey? Haha, I hate that kid. Short answer – no. I’m not your executioner. Your executioner is supposed to take you out on the tourney grounds tomorrow morning. That will never happen though. I’m here to rescue you!
Tyrion: What what WHAAAAT?! Oh, thank god. I was really worried that I’d be executed and these books would become a lot less interesting. I mean, I thought main POV characters like me were too important to die. I though that Ned thing was just a fluke. Like, “Okay, well, they just made him seem like he’d be a main character but he was destined to die in the first book all along.” But then after Cat died too? Oh shit man, they built her complex stories up for THREE BOOKS and still killed her off. Once she was gone, I figured…
Jaime: --Shut up, Tyrion. Let me help you out of these chains.
Tyrion: So I can…what? Just walk past the guards?
Jaime: The guards are asleep. Varys dosed their drinks with some roofies.
Tyrion: VARYS?! That traitorous asshole is why I’m in here! He totally lied about me in court! Oh… and also… are you worried about the guards?
Jaime: It’s just roofies. They’ll wake up.
Tyrion: Yeah, well… they’ll wake up and I’ll be missing. Then they’ll be blamed for it and will probably be executed.
Jaime: What? Nooooo! Everyone will know their drinks were dosed. That seems like an overreaction to the situation. They’d be faultless.
Tyrion: Un hunnnnnnnn.
Jaime: Don’t worry about that now, bro. You have a boat to catch. You’re going to catch a ship to the Free Cities. You’ll get out of here where they can never get you.
Tyrion: Oh please. I’m a blonde dwarf. I can’t hide anywhere. I’ll stick out like a sorer thumb, wherever I go.
Jaime: Well, I can’t really do shit about that. Be safe brother.
Jaime kisses him on the cheeks.
Tyrion: Dude, you can seriously get in trouble for helping me. Why risk yourself like this?
Jaime: Because you’re my brother, man. Oh, and also… I owed you a debt.
Tyrion: A debt for what?
Jaime: You know. That whole Tysha thing.
Tyrion: What Tysha thing?
Jaime: You know… your first wife? Remember how you thought you were in love with her and lived a happy number of weeks together until me and my dad revealed to you that she was actually a whore that we paid for? Then dad made you watch a gang of soldiers run a train on her.
Tyrion: Uhm… yes. I obviously remember that.
Jaime: Ah, well. That lie was a lie. She actually was a woman who fell in love with you. A crofter’s daughter you met by chance on the road, just like you thought. I had nothing to do with it. She wasn’t a whore and I didn’t hire her. But after dad found out… well… he thought he’d teach you a lesson and made up the whole story. He sort of forced her to go along with it or, you know, he’d have probably murdered her.
Tyrion: WHAT?!
Jaime: Yeah, sorry about that.
Tyrion: YOU SON OF A—
Jaime: Hey man, it’s not like it was my idea. It was all dad. I had to go along with it. I was… like… a kid too. How was I supposed to…
Tyrion: --DUDE, I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Tyrion slaps him.
Jaime: I mean… part of me says I deserve that, but the other part of me is like, “Dude I’m saving your life and that story is still really about what DAD did and it wans’t me. Although I do feel guilty about being forced to go along and not telling you the truth.”
Tyrion: I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Jaime: Yeah. Totally. I know. I get it. Remember how we were sending you on a boat to the free cities? The whole “we’ll never see each other again” was sort of the whole point of the thing.
Tyrion: If we meet again… I’ll kill you.
Jaime: I know I lost my right hand and everything… but that seems pretty unlikely. So asshole, did you kill my stupid son or not? Cersei says you did.
Tyrion: Cersei is a stupid, fucking, lying whore. While you were away she was fucking Lancel, Osmund Kettleblack and probably Moonboy for all I know.
Jaime: Whaaaaaaa?
Tyrion is furious with Jaime. Jaime has lied to him for all these years. Tyrion knows he can’t hurt him with a sword… so he’ll hurt him with words. A lie for a lie!
Tyrion: Yes, I killed your stupid fucking son. He would have been a worse king than Aerys!
Jaime: Ah, well. I don’t care.
Tyrion: WHAT?! No! You’re supposed to be deeply hurt by my words. I’ve suffered for years with the memory of Tysha. You’ve scarred my psyche! You’ve ruined my life. I’m probably an angry, alcoholic shitface because of that torment you caused me. Now I’m taking my revenge by scarring your psyche! You’ll forever think I murdered your son. You’ll feel the deep pain of that every day. You’ll know I got my sweet revenge on you.
Jaime: No. Not really. I fucking hated that kid. Really, if anything I should give you a firm handshake and a thanks. But. You know. Missing hand and everything.
Tyrion: BE SAD! BE ANGRY, DAMNIT!
Jaime: Meh. Bye, Tyrion. Varys is waiting for you down that corridor.
Tyrion: GOD DAMNIT!
Tyrion leaves and goes down the corridor, passing the passed out guards.
Tyrion: VARYS! YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!
He starts punching him. But, you know, at knee-level and stuff.
Varys: OW! OW! OW! Stop! Hey man! That trial thing wasn’t my fault! I had no choice. I was forced to speak against you!
Tyrion: Whatever.
Varys: Besides, if you kill me… you’ll never find your way out. Unless I explain to you all the directions.
Tyrion: Okay, explain to me all of the directions.
Varys does so.
Tyrion: Cool. Hey. This room looks familiar. REALLY familiar. I think I’ve been here before. This is part of the same tunnels and secret passages that lead to the Tower of the Hand, right?
Varys: Of course.
Tyrion: So tell me how to get to the Tower of the Hand.
Varys: Dude, you’ve got a boat to catch.
Tyrion: I SAID TELL ME!
For some reason Varys tells him.
Tyrion: Okay, bye.
Varys: Where the hell are you going?
Tyrion: I’ll be back, asshat. You gave me the directions, after all.
Varys: But…
Tyrion climbs up a ladder and a bunch of other tunnels to the Tower of the Hand. It’s a difficult climb and Tyrion is exhausted. But he makes it up, and emerges out of the Tower of the Hand.
He sees someone sleeping in the bed… the bed that used to be his, but how belongs to his asshole father.
Tyrion: Well, well, well father. I see that you’ve lost some weight, grown some boobs and now look like Sh….. SHAE?!
Shae: Uhhm…. Oh shit.
Shae is laying there in Lord Tywin’s bed, naked other than the chain of the Hand of the King that she is wearing.
Shae: Soooo… uh… baby, baby, baby. What had happened was—
Tyrion: Oh… you are in such deep shit.
Shae: SHE MADE ME! The queen! She learned about me and made me! I’m sorry sorry, I love you so much and I meant everything I ever said about loving y--*UGHHHHHHH*
But Tyrion has grabbed the chain around her neck and slowly strangles her with it.
Shae: …
Tyrion: Yep. This is how it’s going down, bitch. Sorry!
She dies. Because Tyrion slowly choked the life out of her. Yep.
Tyrion gets out of bed and looks around.
Tyrion: Oh hey look! A crossbow.
Tyrion then hears some whistling in the bathroom. He goes over.
Tyrion: Hey dad!
Tywin: AGH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh… OH SHIT! Son! I’m taking a dump here.
Tyrion: Well, I can see that, asshole.
Tywin: Put that crossbow down.
Tyrion: DUDE. YOU’RE EXECUTING ME!
Tywin: Whaaaaaaa? Me? Noooooo! That was never going to happen, man. You know I wasn’t actually going to go through with all that. Yeah. Uhm. Totally. I was going to free you, right before the execution. Yeah. *shifty eyes* I was going to let you take up the black and send you to the Wall. It was all the big plan!
Tyrion: TYSHA! What did you do with Tysha?
Tywin: Who the fuck is Tysha?
Tyrion: MY WIFE! Remember? The one I married? Then you made me watch her—
Tywin: Oh right, right. That whore.
Tyrion: SHE WASN’T A WHORE! DON’T CALL HER A WHORE!
Tywin: I mean, okay. Sure. Whatever you say, son.
Tyrion: I ASKED YOU, WHERE DID SHE GO?!
Tywin: I dunno. Probably Whore Island or something.
Tyrion shoots the crossbow.
Tywin: AGH!!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE DICK!
Tyrion: So I did.
Tywin: ON THE TOILET!
Tyrion: Correct.
Tywin: And… and… I think I’m shitting myself as I die.
Tyrion: Yes, I can smell it.
Tywin: I’m a really feared and respected character. This is a super embarrassing way to go.
Tyrion: It is.
Tywin: *dies*
Tyrion: Hahaha… look at that! I murdered my dad! And everyone said he shits gold. But he doesn’t, does he? He shits shit! Hahahaha! OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! THIS BASICALLY LEAVES CERSEI IN CHARGE NOW. WHAT A HORRIBLE IDEA.
Tyrion drops the crossbow and runs back towards the secret passages.
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