King Stannis has summoned a number of members of the Night’s Watch to a meeting.
Sam: Why the hell was I invited? I’m just Maester Aemon’s assistant. Why would a king and his red witch lady want me to be here?
Stannis: What the hell is wrong with you Night’s Watch people? Why haven’t you picked a new Lord Commander yet?
Bowen Marsh: Nobody has reached the required 2/3 of the vote rule.
Stannis: Ugh. I don’t have time for all of these delays.
Janos Slynt: Well, your sire, I’m sure your glorious, intelligent, amazing, beautiful opinions and recommendations on this matter will help to resolve the situation. How about you use your vast, enormous intelligence to recommend a pick to us?
Stannis: Ugh. Jesus Christ. What a fucking ass kisser. No way am I falling for that and naming your awful ass, Slynt. I know who you are. You're Mr. “I sell promotions for bribes.” Please. If I was king back in the day rather than Robert, I’d have had your ass executed.
Aemon: The Night’s Watch has chosen their own since the beginning of history! We shall not let a king choose for us. And as for Janos’s conduct before he was here… when you join the Watch, all past transgressions are wiped clean.
Denys Mallister: Indeed. And just as the king must remain neutral in how the Night’s Watch operates, the Night’s Watch too must remain neutral in this war of kings.
Stannis: Oh please. Like I’d call on your pathetic, poorly equipped, poorly trained, poorly skilled losers to help me out for anything other than being a human shield on the battlefield. No, it’s not your assistance I require… it’s your unused castles and land.
Bowen: WHAT WHAT WHAT?! Those castles are ours! And the land of the Gift… well… that was a Gift! And thus also ours.
Stannis: Right, those are all gifts that YOU DON’T USE. There are well over a dozen castles on the wall that sit there empty and abandoned while you only man three of them. And while the Gift was once used by the Watch… it has fallen in to ill repair. Give them to me and I will make better use of them. I will restore the castles and the ruins.
Cotter Pyke: Why? What will you use them for?
But instead of Stannis answering, Mel jumps in.
Mel: They will be used for the great war! The war for life itself! The War for the Dawn!
Aemon: Yes, we have seen the dead rise and we know what you speak of. Well, I haven’t seen it. I’m blind. But you know what I mean. But if this is truly the War for the Dawn, then according to the prophesies… the Prince that was Promised has returned! Tell me woman, where is he?
Mel: He stands before you right now. For behold, Stannis is Azor Ahai reborn, the warrior of fire. The prophesies are fulfilled. The red comet blazed across the sky and heralded his coming. And see that he has upon him Lightbringer, the red sword of heroes.
Slynt: What? You think that comet was dedicated towards you? You know, in King's Landing the people called it "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king.
Pyke: The people from the Iron Isles thought it was a message from the Drowned God.
Mallister: One person said it signified Ned Stark's death. Or maybe was a representation of the vuctories of the Northmen and house Tully against Lannistee forces. But, I suppose it could have just been a herald warning of the forthcoming War of the Five Kings.
Sam: You know, when we were campaigning north of the Wall, we used to say that it was Mormont's star, a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods as we explored the north.
Septon Cellador: You know, there is so much sin in this world. *hiccup* I think it was an omen in from the Seven Gods, saying that the Seven Kingdoms had become full of corruption and that soon would be purified.
Bowen: You know, I heard these CRAZY stories from the far east that it represented the birth of dragons, and that a young Targaryen girl was being led to Qarth.
Aemon: What? My relative? No way! We Maesters of the Citadel have a theory. A strange and hard to believe one, I know. But some of us think that a comet might simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Stannis: Oh shit, are we still doing the fucking comet jokes? I thought we were done with those a while ago.
Mel: All other stories are lies. They talk about Stannis. Who is, as I noted, a god standing before you.
Stannis shifts nervously and looks embarrassed by Mel’s continued declarations that he is a god.
Stannis: Okay, you asshats get out of here and MAKE A DAMN DECISION ON YOUR LORD COMMANDER. All of you except for Aemon and that boy who used the Dragonglass dagger to kill the Other. The child of Tarly.
Sam: M-me?! W-why?!
The other people leave.
Stannis: Tell me more of how you killed the Other, Tarly.
Sam: Well, it was mostly sort of an accident. I kinda just—
Mel: --For this was no accident! It was ordained! Dragonglass is frozen fire and it slew the cold children!
Stannis: Indeed. They also call dragonglass “obsidian,” and it is abundant in the caves under Dragonstone. I have ordered it be mined.
Sam: Oh cool. So you’re ordering that in the books rather than Jon and Dany like in the show, huh?
Stannis: Huh?
Sam: Nevermind. Oh, and the dragonglass doesn’t kill Wights though. Just the Others.
Mel: Indeed. For the Wights are just dead flesh. The Others… they are… SOMETHING MORE!
Sam: Cryptic much?
Stannis: I have also heard this story about how you were able to cross the Wall at the Nightfort with that Wildling girl. I must know more about how you did that. For I intend to make the Nightfort my new seat of power.
Sam: Ah, well… I don’t know if it will work for you. It’s a magical wooden door that only opens up for a Member of the Night’s Watch.
Stannis: Ah. Well you said “wooden”, so I assume I can just cut it down with an axe or burn it or something.
Sam: I guess.
Stannis: Also, the Wildling girl wasn't a member of the Night's Watch, correct?
Sam: Yeah. Well. Obviously. She's a girl and a Wildling.
Stannis: And yet she got through,because she was with you? So, it's really not all that hard to go through the "magic door" then, is it? I'd just have to have someone from the Night's Watch go with me. Or, as noted, fucking cut it down because it's wood.
Sam: Okay, okay. Stop pestering me about this! I guess a wooden door isn't that insurmountable!
Aemon: Ser! Ser! Your grace! I would like to see Lightbringer.
Stannis pulls it out and begins to hand it over, but then gives Aemon an inquisitive look.
Stannis: Are you fuckin' with me, Targaryen? Because, you know, you’re blind.
Aemon: I can see with my fingers! And also Sam can look at it for me. Let me feel it.
Stannis hands the sword over and Aemon feels it up.
Sam: It’s glowing like sunshine on water.
Stannis: Okay, weirdos. That’s enough. You bitches better pick a Lord Commander by nightfall, or I might just follow Slynt’s advice and pick one for you.
Stannis dismisses them, and they head back to Aemon’s chambers.
Aemon: I felt to heat on the sword.
Sam: Yeah, and the scabbard it rested in wasn’t all burned up or anything. You think it’s legit?
Aemon: *shrug*
Sam: We need to do something about this election though. I think some big dickweed like Janos is about to be chosen. Can you do anything about it? Can you help to influence the people?
Aemon: No, a Maester must stay out of such affairs.
Sam: Oh, could I do something then?
Aemon: I don’t know, Sam. COULD YOU?
Sam: *sigh* Damn it. I hate having to do things myself.
Later that night… he goes to visit Cotter Pyke.
Sam: Hey, what’s up? We haven't had much time to talk before, have we? You're from Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, right?
Cotter: Yes, I am.
Sam: But you've been to Castle Black before, huh?
Cotter: Well yes, of course. Obviously I've been here before.
Sam: Ah. Cool. I just wanted to say, welcome back... Cotter.
Cotter: I FUCKING HATE YOU. Just get on with whatever you wanted to say to me, Sam.
Sam: Well, You know you and Mallister are messing each other’s votes, right? One of you should drop out.
Cotter: Dude, I don’t even really WANT this job. But Mallister is the WORST. I’d rather stay in it just to make sure that he doesn’t win.
Sam: What we really need is someone younger. Someone who is a fighter! You know. Like someone who just led a bunch of fights. Here at the Wall. Hint. Hint.
Cotter: Huh? Someone like who?
Sam: Oh, I dunno. Maybe think about that for a while.
Sam then goes to visit Denys Mallister.
Sam: Hey, what’s up? You know you and Pyke are messing each other’s votes, right? One of you should drop out.
Denys: Dude, I don’t even really WANT this job. But Pyke is the WORST. I’d rather stay in it just to make sure that he doesn’t win.
Sam: What we really need is someone younger. Someone who is a fighter! You know. Like someone who just led a bunch of fights. Here at the Wall. Hint. Hint.
Denys: Huh? What? You mean like that Jon Snow asshat? Well, he would be better than freaking Slynt or freaking Pyke.
Sam: Hey man… you said Jon Snow, not me. Don't put those words in my mouth. But now that you mention his name… Mormont trusted him. Halfhand trusted him. Donal Noye trusted him. He was the son of the Lord of Winterfell and the brother to the King in the North.
Denys: Hrm. An interesting idea. I’ll think on this. Now get the hell out of here.
Sam then goes back to Cotter Pyke.
Cotter: Ugh. You again? What?
Sam: Hey, I went asking around folks about how the election was going to go. I was talking to Mallister and he said that there was no way he’d drop out and let a filthy bastard like a Pyke win because bastards are the worst. I also heard Stannis tell Aemon earlier tonight that if we didn’t pick someone ourselves tonight… that he’d just appoint Mallister!
Cotter: WHAT?! That SUCKS!
Sam: Yeah, it’s rough. No way you can win. So I guess the only thing you can do now is surrender and tell everyone to vote for someone else. But if you don’t want people to vote for either Mallister or Slynt… then you have to name some third, different candidate to throw your votes behind.
Cotter: Hrm, and I was thinking about what you were telling me earlier… about a young warrior. That reminds me of Jon Snow.
Sam: OH REALLY?! DOES IT? DOES IT REMIND YOU OF JON SNOW? CRAZY, HUH? Man… and Jon Snow is a bastard too! Why… I bet Jon Snow is popular enough so that people would actually vote for him and he’d get elected. And then a bastard would win! You know, like how you’re a bastard too. A win for the bastards, huh?
Cotter: Hahahaha, oh man. Boy, that would really stick it in Mallister’s stupid face then, huh? That’s sweet.
Sam: Why the hell was I invited? I’m just Maester Aemon’s assistant. Why would a king and his red witch lady want me to be here?
Stannis: What the hell is wrong with you Night’s Watch people? Why haven’t you picked a new Lord Commander yet?
Bowen Marsh: Nobody has reached the required 2/3 of the vote rule.
Stannis: Ugh. I don’t have time for all of these delays.
Janos Slynt: Well, your sire, I’m sure your glorious, intelligent, amazing, beautiful opinions and recommendations on this matter will help to resolve the situation. How about you use your vast, enormous intelligence to recommend a pick to us?
Stannis: Ugh. Jesus Christ. What a fucking ass kisser. No way am I falling for that and naming your awful ass, Slynt. I know who you are. You're Mr. “I sell promotions for bribes.” Please. If I was king back in the day rather than Robert, I’d have had your ass executed.
Aemon: The Night’s Watch has chosen their own since the beginning of history! We shall not let a king choose for us. And as for Janos’s conduct before he was here… when you join the Watch, all past transgressions are wiped clean.
Denys Mallister: Indeed. And just as the king must remain neutral in how the Night’s Watch operates, the Night’s Watch too must remain neutral in this war of kings.
Stannis: Oh please. Like I’d call on your pathetic, poorly equipped, poorly trained, poorly skilled losers to help me out for anything other than being a human shield on the battlefield. No, it’s not your assistance I require… it’s your unused castles and land.
Bowen: WHAT WHAT WHAT?! Those castles are ours! And the land of the Gift… well… that was a Gift! And thus also ours.
Stannis: Right, those are all gifts that YOU DON’T USE. There are well over a dozen castles on the wall that sit there empty and abandoned while you only man three of them. And while the Gift was once used by the Watch… it has fallen in to ill repair. Give them to me and I will make better use of them. I will restore the castles and the ruins.
Cotter Pyke: Why? What will you use them for?
But instead of Stannis answering, Mel jumps in.
Mel: They will be used for the great war! The war for life itself! The War for the Dawn!
Aemon: Yes, we have seen the dead rise and we know what you speak of. Well, I haven’t seen it. I’m blind. But you know what I mean. But if this is truly the War for the Dawn, then according to the prophesies… the Prince that was Promised has returned! Tell me woman, where is he?
Mel: He stands before you right now. For behold, Stannis is Azor Ahai reborn, the warrior of fire. The prophesies are fulfilled. The red comet blazed across the sky and heralded his coming. And see that he has upon him Lightbringer, the red sword of heroes.
Slynt: What? You think that comet was dedicated towards you? You know, in King's Landing the people called it "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king.
Pyke: The people from the Iron Isles thought it was a message from the Drowned God.
Mallister: One person said it signified Ned Stark's death. Or maybe was a representation of the vuctories of the Northmen and house Tully against Lannistee forces. But, I suppose it could have just been a herald warning of the forthcoming War of the Five Kings.
Sam: You know, when we were campaigning north of the Wall, we used to say that it was Mormont's star, a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods as we explored the north.
Septon Cellador: You know, there is so much sin in this world. *hiccup* I think it was an omen in from the Seven Gods, saying that the Seven Kingdoms had become full of corruption and that soon would be purified.
Bowen: You know, I heard these CRAZY stories from the far east that it represented the birth of dragons, and that a young Targaryen girl was being led to Qarth.
Aemon: What? My relative? No way! We Maesters of the Citadel have a theory. A strange and hard to believe one, I know. But some of us think that a comet might simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Stannis: Oh shit, are we still doing the fucking comet jokes? I thought we were done with those a while ago.
Mel: All other stories are lies. They talk about Stannis. Who is, as I noted, a god standing before you.
Stannis shifts nervously and looks embarrassed by Mel’s continued declarations that he is a god.
Stannis: Okay, you asshats get out of here and MAKE A DAMN DECISION ON YOUR LORD COMMANDER. All of you except for Aemon and that boy who used the Dragonglass dagger to kill the Other. The child of Tarly.
Sam: M-me?! W-why?!
The other people leave.
Stannis: Tell me more of how you killed the Other, Tarly.
Sam: Well, it was mostly sort of an accident. I kinda just—
Mel: --For this was no accident! It was ordained! Dragonglass is frozen fire and it slew the cold children!
Stannis: Indeed. They also call dragonglass “obsidian,” and it is abundant in the caves under Dragonstone. I have ordered it be mined.
Sam: Oh cool. So you’re ordering that in the books rather than Jon and Dany like in the show, huh?
Stannis: Huh?
Sam: Nevermind. Oh, and the dragonglass doesn’t kill Wights though. Just the Others.
Mel: Indeed. For the Wights are just dead flesh. The Others… they are… SOMETHING MORE!
Sam: Cryptic much?
Stannis: I have also heard this story about how you were able to cross the Wall at the Nightfort with that Wildling girl. I must know more about how you did that. For I intend to make the Nightfort my new seat of power.
Sam: Ah, well… I don’t know if it will work for you. It’s a magical wooden door that only opens up for a Member of the Night’s Watch.
Stannis: Ah. Well you said “wooden”, so I assume I can just cut it down with an axe or burn it or something.
Sam: I guess.
Stannis: Also, the Wildling girl wasn't a member of the Night's Watch, correct?
Sam: Yeah. Well. Obviously. She's a girl and a Wildling.
Stannis: And yet she got through,because she was with you? So, it's really not all that hard to go through the "magic door" then, is it? I'd just have to have someone from the Night's Watch go with me. Or, as noted, fucking cut it down because it's wood.
Sam: Okay, okay. Stop pestering me about this! I guess a wooden door isn't that insurmountable!
Aemon: Ser! Ser! Your grace! I would like to see Lightbringer.
Stannis pulls it out and begins to hand it over, but then gives Aemon an inquisitive look.
Stannis: Are you fuckin' with me, Targaryen? Because, you know, you’re blind.
Aemon: I can see with my fingers! And also Sam can look at it for me. Let me feel it.
Stannis hands the sword over and Aemon feels it up.
Sam: It’s glowing like sunshine on water.
Stannis: Okay, weirdos. That’s enough. You bitches better pick a Lord Commander by nightfall, or I might just follow Slynt’s advice and pick one for you.
Stannis dismisses them, and they head back to Aemon’s chambers.
Aemon: I felt to heat on the sword.
Sam: Yeah, and the scabbard it rested in wasn’t all burned up or anything. You think it’s legit?
Aemon: *shrug*
Sam: We need to do something about this election though. I think some big dickweed like Janos is about to be chosen. Can you do anything about it? Can you help to influence the people?
Aemon: No, a Maester must stay out of such affairs.
Sam: Oh, could I do something then?
Aemon: I don’t know, Sam. COULD YOU?
Sam: *sigh* Damn it. I hate having to do things myself.
Later that night… he goes to visit Cotter Pyke.
Sam: Hey, what’s up? We haven't had much time to talk before, have we? You're from Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, right?
Cotter: Yes, I am.
Sam: But you've been to Castle Black before, huh?
Cotter: Well yes, of course. Obviously I've been here before.
Sam: Ah. Cool. I just wanted to say, welcome back... Cotter.
Cotter: I FUCKING HATE YOU. Just get on with whatever you wanted to say to me, Sam.
Sam: Well, You know you and Mallister are messing each other’s votes, right? One of you should drop out.
Cotter: Dude, I don’t even really WANT this job. But Mallister is the WORST. I’d rather stay in it just to make sure that he doesn’t win.
Sam: What we really need is someone younger. Someone who is a fighter! You know. Like someone who just led a bunch of fights. Here at the Wall. Hint. Hint.
Cotter: Huh? Someone like who?
Sam: Oh, I dunno. Maybe think about that for a while.
Sam then goes to visit Denys Mallister.
Sam: Hey, what’s up? You know you and Pyke are messing each other’s votes, right? One of you should drop out.
Denys: Dude, I don’t even really WANT this job. But Pyke is the WORST. I’d rather stay in it just to make sure that he doesn’t win.
Sam: What we really need is someone younger. Someone who is a fighter! You know. Like someone who just led a bunch of fights. Here at the Wall. Hint. Hint.
Denys: Huh? What? You mean like that Jon Snow asshat? Well, he would be better than freaking Slynt or freaking Pyke.
Sam: Hey man… you said Jon Snow, not me. Don't put those words in my mouth. But now that you mention his name… Mormont trusted him. Halfhand trusted him. Donal Noye trusted him. He was the son of the Lord of Winterfell and the brother to the King in the North.
Denys: Hrm. An interesting idea. I’ll think on this. Now get the hell out of here.
Sam then goes back to Cotter Pyke.
Cotter: Ugh. You again? What?
Sam: Hey, I went asking around folks about how the election was going to go. I was talking to Mallister and he said that there was no way he’d drop out and let a filthy bastard like a Pyke win because bastards are the worst. I also heard Stannis tell Aemon earlier tonight that if we didn’t pick someone ourselves tonight… that he’d just appoint Mallister!
Cotter: WHAT?! That SUCKS!
Sam: Yeah, it’s rough. No way you can win. So I guess the only thing you can do now is surrender and tell everyone to vote for someone else. But if you don’t want people to vote for either Mallister or Slynt… then you have to name some third, different candidate to throw your votes behind.
Cotter: Hrm, and I was thinking about what you were telling me earlier… about a young warrior. That reminds me of Jon Snow.
Sam: OH REALLY?! DOES IT? DOES IT REMIND YOU OF JON SNOW? CRAZY, HUH? Man… and Jon Snow is a bastard too! Why… I bet Jon Snow is popular enough so that people would actually vote for him and he’d get elected. And then a bastard would win! You know, like how you’re a bastard too. A win for the bastards, huh?
Cotter: Hahahaha, oh man. Boy, that would really stick it in Mallister’s stupid face then, huh? That’s sweet.
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