Hey, remember that whole battle for Meereen? The secret plan to go into the sewer and all that? Want to see some sort of epic battle scene? Well you won’t. The battle happened a long time ago. Dany’s troops won it. Now she’s sitting at the top of the Great Pyramid of Meereen eating grapes and drinking wine. Which, I suppose, is just another way of eating grapes.
Dany: It’s great starting chapters in media res and only going back to explain the specifics of the battle later, huh Missandei?
Missandei: If you say so. I’m just a 10 year old girl so I’m not sure that I’m the one you should be asking about how to build effective narratives.
Dany: Haha, remember when I had all those leaders of Meereen crucified in revenge for them crucifying all the slaves? That was good stuff.
Missandei: Again, I’m 10. So. Whatever.
Dany looks at all of her followers in the throne room. But then again there was a prophesy that she would be betrayed three times. Who will betray her next?
Missandei: Hey, speaking of effective narratives – whatever happened to Barristan and Jorah? Didn’t we end the last chapter with a cliffhanger about their fate?
Dany: Yes. And that will remain a cliffhanger for now. Maybe later in the chapter I’ll get to it. But for right now, I’ll reflect back upon the new rules and laws I’ve set up in this city. Stuff about penalties for pillaging and rape.
Missandei: Okay my Khaleesi, it’s now part of the day where citizens and others come up to petition you.
Dany: Cool.
A citizen comes up.
Meereen Citizen: Begging your pardon, Queen, but you have a bunch of dead bodies of the old Masters of Meereen laying around the city and nailed up on crucifixes. It’s really been attacking a lot of plague-carrying and other gross animals. I mean it’s cool that you’re our new leader and all, but we’re not happy about watching carrion birds rip out our cousins eyeballs and gorge themselves. And, again, the plague thing is not cool. So maybe we could collect up all the dead bodies of the crucified and killed Masters of Meereen and… you know… clean their bodies and give them proper burials according to our religious practices.
Dany: Eh, sure. I suppose.
The Citizen bows and takes his leave.
Dany: NEXT!
Missandei: Next up is an envoy from Astapor named Ghael.
Dany: Come forward, Ghael.
Ghael: I bring you greetings from King Cleon of Astapor.
Dany: Uhh… King Cleon? Who is that? I left a council in charge of Astapor.
Ghael: Yeah, you left a weak and ineffective council with absolutely no army or law enforcement. Our city descended into total hell and the council quickly tried to put the Great Masters back in power. Cleon exposed them and had them executed.
Missandei: Wait… Cleon? Wasn’t he some butcher in Grazdan’s kitchen?
Ghael: I mean that’s not a very specific question since everyone in the entire town was named Grazden. But yeah, he was.
Dany: Great. I’ve given Astapor a Butcher King.
Ghael: Way to talk shit about someone just because he’s from a different social class than you and didn’t have the same job opportunities. You know, someone has to be a butcher, right? You trying to say you’re a vegetarian? No way. You eat meat. Someone has to kill, cut and clean the animal. You trying to say that those people are dirty? You trying to say that a butcher is less of a person? You trying to say that in Queen Dany’s empire… there is no place for upward mobility of the lower classes? You trying to say you want to instill a new caste system where the lowly people stay lowly and the noble people stay as the nobles? What kind of Animal Farm bullshit is that, Dany? Seems like you’re “freeing” places form tyranny just to re-install tyranny again with new tyrants.
Dany: I… uhm… no… that’s not what I mean, Ghael. I wasn’t saying he didn’t deserve to be a King because he used to be a butcher. I was just saying that—
Ghael: --Hahaha, come on, Queenie. I’m just messing with you. That was pretty funny. “Butcher King.” I’ll probably go back and tell Cleon that. He’ll have a good laugh. Anyway, I’m here because we propose an alliance with you against Yunkai.
Dany: WHAT?! Against Yunkai?! But I just liberated that city too!
Ghael: Yeah, you did. But those people are assholes. They’re plotting against you. You should probably marry Cleon to seal the deal for our mutual alliance against them.
Dany: HAHAHAHA. You want me to marry a guy named Cleos? That’s too much! You know what, here in public in front of everyone I’m going to say, “I’ll think about it.” But you know what the actual answer is, right?
Dany dismissed Ghael.
Dany: Man. All my “victories” seem pretty empty, huh? I liberate a town and then I move on. After that, the city falls to shit and is taken over by crappy, warring tyrants again. What will happen to Meereen when I leave here?
Missandei: Your next visitor is a slaver ship captain from Qarth.
Dany: Oh, this ought to be fun. If only Jorah was here to deeply sympathize with him.
Slaver Captain: Oh great Queen! Look at me crying! I am so sad!
Dany: Stop being a drama queen, you Qartheen bitch. You’re all like that.
Slaver Captain: I have seen so many horrible atrocities! The Cleaver King in Astapor his seizing all the highborn babies to make a new Unsullied army!
Dany: Hrm. “Cleaver King.” That’s probably a little wittier than “Butcher King.” I wish I had thought of that instead.
Slaver Captain: Yes! It’s horrible! Oh, and also I’d really like to buy some slaves.
Dany: WHAT?! Get the fuck out of here, you slaving asshole. There are no slaves here. Only free people. And they don’t want to be slaves anymore!
Daario: *cough*bullshit*cough
Dany: Uhm… excuse me, Daario. Just because you’re handsome AF and I want to jump you 24/7 doesn’t mean you get to cough interject like that. Do you have something to say?
Daario: Well, my beautiful Queen. There are actually crowds and crowds of Meerenese begging to be sold.
Dany: Say what now?
Daario: Yeah, not all the slaves were brutalized and doing hard labor. Many of them were domestic servants who lived in houses and did chores. Those people HATE being free. They were living the good life. Their lives as slaves were idyllic compared who what their lives are like now. These people willingly want to be sold back into slavery.
Dany: Are you sure that you haven’t been replaced with Jorah?
Daario: No, I’m Daario.
Dany: And you’re REALLY trying to convince me that being a house slave is okay and that I should let people sell themselves back into slavery?
Daario: Yep.
Dany: Wow. The morals of feudal society are really messed up. But I suppose that if any free human being is willing to sell themselves into slavery… then they shoul d be free to do so, right? I mean that choice is part of being free, huh? But the sale of children is forbidden! And don’t think that when these slaves have kids that their kids will be slaves too. They have to be free and make that decision on their own once they reach adulthood. Although technically, if I’m selling them to Qarth I have no real way of enforcing that because they’ll be going somewhere far away and out of my jurisdiction.
Slaver Captain: So is it cool that I buy some people then?
Dany: Eh. I guess.
In actuality, it is NOT cool at all. Dany is wrong.
Dany: But can we get a tax on it or something? Like we take 10% of all profits from slave sales as a tax or something? That sounds pretty civic-minded.
Missandei: Sure.
And therefore, Meereen goes back to being rich again. Horray! For… uhm… slavery… I guess. Wait. What are we cheering again?
Dany: Okay… NEXT!
Missandei: We’ll, speaking of slavery…
Jorah comes in. He’s followed closely by Barristan.
Dany: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. You two. I guess now is the time to finally reveal your fate and what I decided to do with you as the cliffhanger in-between chapters.
Jorah: You mean lead the forces that crawled through the sewers to break into Meereen? A highly dangerous task that you didn’t think either of us would survive. But we did survive and now you still have to deal with us.
Dany: Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty succinct way of summarizing all that. But I was also going to add in additional long narratives with specifics about the battles and how we won. But you know what? Forget it. I’ve conquered Meereen and we’ve moved on from there. Now I want both of you to plead your cases as to why you should stay in my service and not just be executed for betraying me.
Barristan steps up first.
Barristan: I lied to you and I deceived you. I admit it. When your father was murdered, I betrayed your family line and bent the knee to King Robert. I admit it. I will only tell the truth though. And the truth is that even as a small child… I saw that Viserys was like his father. Rhaegar was a noble and honest man and would have made a great king. But Viserys? He had the madness.
Dany: LIES! Lies told by the Baratheons and Lannisters to discredit the Targaryens!
Barristan: Queen, I come here with my fate entirely in your hands. Whatever you decide I will not contest. If it is your decision to kill me, then so be it. I could lie to you and let you hear what you want to hear. Let you hear that the Baratheons and Lannisters were liars who made up stories. Let you hear that the stories your brother told you growing up were all true. But then I would be lying to you again. I will not lie to you again, nor hide the truth as I did before. I wanted to tell you the truth of who I was many times. But I did not. Because I wanted to make sure you were not tainted by the same madness that afflicted Aerys and Viserys. I have spent much time with you now and I see that you are not. You are a true and noble Queen and you are fit to rule. It would be an honor to serve you, in whatever capacity you wish of me, if you let me. If not… well… I have lived a life that many would call good and long and I will die proud.
Dany: *holding back tears and wiping a Kleenex against her eyes*… No… no… not crying. Not crying at all. It’s just that this Pyramid Throne Room is… so… dusty. Yes. So much dust. So very dusty in here. Okay, Barrsitan. Here is your sword. You are pardoned of all past transgressions. I accept your pledge to serve me.
Everyone slow claps.
Dany: OKAY! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NEXT, Jorah.
Jorah: Well, obviously you MUST forgive me, because I’m so awesome and important. And, yeah, while it’s true I was spying on you for the Baratheons, even all the way up to Qarth, it’s not like I…
Dany: --Okay, let me cut you off there, shitface. EXILE!
Jorah: WHAT!? But… but… I love you!
Dany: Aww… do you now? I seem to recall some prophesy about being betrayed three times, one of them for love. I guess that’s you. Now, as I was saying… EXILE!!!! If you’re still in Meereen tomorrow morning, you’ll be executed.
Jorah: But… but… Khaleesi… I…
Strong Belwas grabs him and drags him out.
Dany: Well, that’s that then.
Daario: You know, I can still slice his neck open and kill him anyway. You’ll look all magnanimous for letting him leave by exile… but I know what you REALLY want is him dead.
Dany: Daww, that’s so thoughtful, Daario! You handsome rogue you! No… wait… STOP! You’re tricking me with your handsomeness. Stop that. I stick by the exile thing.
Daario: Exile makes no sense. You should have either kept him… or killed him.
Dany: Okay sexy, when I want your advice… I’ll ask for it. All this is making me tired. I need to go to bed.
She goes to bed that night and Irri is with her.
Dany: Man, these books are a lot more lesbian-ey than the show.
But she can’t stop thinking and dreaming about Daario.
As the dawn comes, she wakes up and finds Missandei there too.
Dany: Oh hey. You’re not planning on betraying me too?
Missandei: Well, as previously stated... I’m 10. So probably not.
They watch the sunrise together. Which I guess is sort of cool or something.
At the meetings later that day, she summons all of her captains and council members. The Senate? I don't know what she calls her people.
Dany: Hey look… you know how I’m a Khaleesi, right? I’ve been going from city to city, conquering them… and then moving on. Totally a Khaleessi sort of thing to do. My ultimate goal is to rule the Seven Kingdoms. But how can I be a good ruler of seven kingdoms if I can’t even rule one city? Oh… I can CONQUER just fine. But rule? Not so much.
Missandei: Hey now, you’re a great ruler, Dany. You freed the slaves and all that stuff. You’re the Abe Lincoln of these books. You know, without the getting shot in the head part. I hope. I guess the books aren’t finished yet… so you never know.
Dany: Thanks for the kind words, young person who has been alive for one decade and has no grasp on politics or state building.
Missandei: Says the girl who is… what? Five years older than me?
Dany: My point is this… these books are clearly loaded with all sorts of metaphors. My brother was a metaphor for the tyrant who thinks he deserves to rule by his bloodline, and would be a terrible leader that would be quickly overthrown. Renly was a metaphor for a man who liked to play at being king but had no interest in actually ruling. Robert Baratheon is a metaphor for a great warrior who could make himself king via military strength… but then when it came time to “win the peace” rather than “win the war,” he was woefully incompetent at rule itself. Right now, all signs in the books are pointing towards me being another King Robert. Oh yeah… I can kick ass in the battles. But afterwards? I leave a city and it falls apart and gets ruled by some fucking butcher. Well, NO MORE I say! Before I try to rule the world… I will prove that I can rule just one city!
Il Palazzo: Yes, a sound and logical strategy.
Dany: Therefore, I will not abandon Meereen as I did Aspator. I will stay here and not leave until I can prove I can rule it and make peace!
Well, this should go swimmingly.
Dany: Shut your mouth, narrator. Are you going to be the third person to betray me?
Dany: It’s great starting chapters in media res and only going back to explain the specifics of the battle later, huh Missandei?
Missandei: If you say so. I’m just a 10 year old girl so I’m not sure that I’m the one you should be asking about how to build effective narratives.
Dany: Haha, remember when I had all those leaders of Meereen crucified in revenge for them crucifying all the slaves? That was good stuff.
Missandei: Again, I’m 10. So. Whatever.
Dany looks at all of her followers in the throne room. But then again there was a prophesy that she would be betrayed three times. Who will betray her next?
Missandei: Hey, speaking of effective narratives – whatever happened to Barristan and Jorah? Didn’t we end the last chapter with a cliffhanger about their fate?
Dany: Yes. And that will remain a cliffhanger for now. Maybe later in the chapter I’ll get to it. But for right now, I’ll reflect back upon the new rules and laws I’ve set up in this city. Stuff about penalties for pillaging and rape.
Missandei: Okay my Khaleesi, it’s now part of the day where citizens and others come up to petition you.
Dany: Cool.
A citizen comes up.
Meereen Citizen: Begging your pardon, Queen, but you have a bunch of dead bodies of the old Masters of Meereen laying around the city and nailed up on crucifixes. It’s really been attacking a lot of plague-carrying and other gross animals. I mean it’s cool that you’re our new leader and all, but we’re not happy about watching carrion birds rip out our cousins eyeballs and gorge themselves. And, again, the plague thing is not cool. So maybe we could collect up all the dead bodies of the crucified and killed Masters of Meereen and… you know… clean their bodies and give them proper burials according to our religious practices.
Dany: Eh, sure. I suppose.
The Citizen bows and takes his leave.
Dany: NEXT!
Missandei: Next up is an envoy from Astapor named Ghael.
Dany: Come forward, Ghael.
Ghael: I bring you greetings from King Cleon of Astapor.
Dany: Uhh… King Cleon? Who is that? I left a council in charge of Astapor.
Ghael: Yeah, you left a weak and ineffective council with absolutely no army or law enforcement. Our city descended into total hell and the council quickly tried to put the Great Masters back in power. Cleon exposed them and had them executed.
Missandei: Wait… Cleon? Wasn’t he some butcher in Grazdan’s kitchen?
Ghael: I mean that’s not a very specific question since everyone in the entire town was named Grazden. But yeah, he was.
Dany: Great. I’ve given Astapor a Butcher King.
Ghael: Way to talk shit about someone just because he’s from a different social class than you and didn’t have the same job opportunities. You know, someone has to be a butcher, right? You trying to say you’re a vegetarian? No way. You eat meat. Someone has to kill, cut and clean the animal. You trying to say that those people are dirty? You trying to say that a butcher is less of a person? You trying to say that in Queen Dany’s empire… there is no place for upward mobility of the lower classes? You trying to say you want to instill a new caste system where the lowly people stay lowly and the noble people stay as the nobles? What kind of Animal Farm bullshit is that, Dany? Seems like you’re “freeing” places form tyranny just to re-install tyranny again with new tyrants.
Dany: I… uhm… no… that’s not what I mean, Ghael. I wasn’t saying he didn’t deserve to be a King because he used to be a butcher. I was just saying that—
Ghael: --Hahaha, come on, Queenie. I’m just messing with you. That was pretty funny. “Butcher King.” I’ll probably go back and tell Cleon that. He’ll have a good laugh. Anyway, I’m here because we propose an alliance with you against Yunkai.
Dany: WHAT?! Against Yunkai?! But I just liberated that city too!
Ghael: Yeah, you did. But those people are assholes. They’re plotting against you. You should probably marry Cleon to seal the deal for our mutual alliance against them.
Dany: HAHAHAHA. You want me to marry a guy named Cleos? That’s too much! You know what, here in public in front of everyone I’m going to say, “I’ll think about it.” But you know what the actual answer is, right?
Dany dismissed Ghael.
Dany: Man. All my “victories” seem pretty empty, huh? I liberate a town and then I move on. After that, the city falls to shit and is taken over by crappy, warring tyrants again. What will happen to Meereen when I leave here?
Missandei: Your next visitor is a slaver ship captain from Qarth.
Dany: Oh, this ought to be fun. If only Jorah was here to deeply sympathize with him.
Slaver Captain: Oh great Queen! Look at me crying! I am so sad!
Dany: Stop being a drama queen, you Qartheen bitch. You’re all like that.
Slaver Captain: I have seen so many horrible atrocities! The Cleaver King in Astapor his seizing all the highborn babies to make a new Unsullied army!
Dany: Hrm. “Cleaver King.” That’s probably a little wittier than “Butcher King.” I wish I had thought of that instead.
Slaver Captain: Yes! It’s horrible! Oh, and also I’d really like to buy some slaves.
Dany: WHAT?! Get the fuck out of here, you slaving asshole. There are no slaves here. Only free people. And they don’t want to be slaves anymore!
Daario: *cough*bullshit*cough
Dany: Uhm… excuse me, Daario. Just because you’re handsome AF and I want to jump you 24/7 doesn’t mean you get to cough interject like that. Do you have something to say?
Daario: Well, my beautiful Queen. There are actually crowds and crowds of Meerenese begging to be sold.
Dany: Say what now?
Daario: Yeah, not all the slaves were brutalized and doing hard labor. Many of them were domestic servants who lived in houses and did chores. Those people HATE being free. They were living the good life. Their lives as slaves were idyllic compared who what their lives are like now. These people willingly want to be sold back into slavery.
Dany: Are you sure that you haven’t been replaced with Jorah?
Daario: No, I’m Daario.
Dany: And you’re REALLY trying to convince me that being a house slave is okay and that I should let people sell themselves back into slavery?
Daario: Yep.
Dany: Wow. The morals of feudal society are really messed up. But I suppose that if any free human being is willing to sell themselves into slavery… then they shoul d be free to do so, right? I mean that choice is part of being free, huh? But the sale of children is forbidden! And don’t think that when these slaves have kids that their kids will be slaves too. They have to be free and make that decision on their own once they reach adulthood. Although technically, if I’m selling them to Qarth I have no real way of enforcing that because they’ll be going somewhere far away and out of my jurisdiction.
Slaver Captain: So is it cool that I buy some people then?
Dany: Eh. I guess.
In actuality, it is NOT cool at all. Dany is wrong.
Dany: But can we get a tax on it or something? Like we take 10% of all profits from slave sales as a tax or something? That sounds pretty civic-minded.
Missandei: Sure.
And therefore, Meereen goes back to being rich again. Horray! For… uhm… slavery… I guess. Wait. What are we cheering again?
Dany: Okay… NEXT!
Missandei: We’ll, speaking of slavery…
Jorah comes in. He’s followed closely by Barristan.
Dany: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. You two. I guess now is the time to finally reveal your fate and what I decided to do with you as the cliffhanger in-between chapters.
Jorah: You mean lead the forces that crawled through the sewers to break into Meereen? A highly dangerous task that you didn’t think either of us would survive. But we did survive and now you still have to deal with us.
Dany: Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty succinct way of summarizing all that. But I was also going to add in additional long narratives with specifics about the battles and how we won. But you know what? Forget it. I’ve conquered Meereen and we’ve moved on from there. Now I want both of you to plead your cases as to why you should stay in my service and not just be executed for betraying me.
Barristan steps up first.
Barristan: I lied to you and I deceived you. I admit it. When your father was murdered, I betrayed your family line and bent the knee to King Robert. I admit it. I will only tell the truth though. And the truth is that even as a small child… I saw that Viserys was like his father. Rhaegar was a noble and honest man and would have made a great king. But Viserys? He had the madness.
Dany: LIES! Lies told by the Baratheons and Lannisters to discredit the Targaryens!
Barristan: Queen, I come here with my fate entirely in your hands. Whatever you decide I will not contest. If it is your decision to kill me, then so be it. I could lie to you and let you hear what you want to hear. Let you hear that the Baratheons and Lannisters were liars who made up stories. Let you hear that the stories your brother told you growing up were all true. But then I would be lying to you again. I will not lie to you again, nor hide the truth as I did before. I wanted to tell you the truth of who I was many times. But I did not. Because I wanted to make sure you were not tainted by the same madness that afflicted Aerys and Viserys. I have spent much time with you now and I see that you are not. You are a true and noble Queen and you are fit to rule. It would be an honor to serve you, in whatever capacity you wish of me, if you let me. If not… well… I have lived a life that many would call good and long and I will die proud.
Dany: *holding back tears and wiping a Kleenex against her eyes*… No… no… not crying. Not crying at all. It’s just that this Pyramid Throne Room is… so… dusty. Yes. So much dust. So very dusty in here. Okay, Barrsitan. Here is your sword. You are pardoned of all past transgressions. I accept your pledge to serve me.
Everyone slow claps.
Dany: OKAY! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NEXT, Jorah.
Jorah: Well, obviously you MUST forgive me, because I’m so awesome and important. And, yeah, while it’s true I was spying on you for the Baratheons, even all the way up to Qarth, it’s not like I…
Dany: --Okay, let me cut you off there, shitface. EXILE!
Jorah: WHAT!? But… but… I love you!
Dany: Aww… do you now? I seem to recall some prophesy about being betrayed three times, one of them for love. I guess that’s you. Now, as I was saying… EXILE!!!! If you’re still in Meereen tomorrow morning, you’ll be executed.
Jorah: But… but… Khaleesi… I…
Strong Belwas grabs him and drags him out.
Dany: Well, that’s that then.
Daario: You know, I can still slice his neck open and kill him anyway. You’ll look all magnanimous for letting him leave by exile… but I know what you REALLY want is him dead.
Dany: Daww, that’s so thoughtful, Daario! You handsome rogue you! No… wait… STOP! You’re tricking me with your handsomeness. Stop that. I stick by the exile thing.
Daario: Exile makes no sense. You should have either kept him… or killed him.
Dany: Okay sexy, when I want your advice… I’ll ask for it. All this is making me tired. I need to go to bed.
She goes to bed that night and Irri is with her.
Dany: Man, these books are a lot more lesbian-ey than the show.
But she can’t stop thinking and dreaming about Daario.
As the dawn comes, she wakes up and finds Missandei there too.
Dany: Oh hey. You’re not planning on betraying me too?
Missandei: Well, as previously stated... I’m 10. So probably not.
They watch the sunrise together. Which I guess is sort of cool or something.
At the meetings later that day, she summons all of her captains and council members. The Senate? I don't know what she calls her people.
Dany: Hey look… you know how I’m a Khaleesi, right? I’ve been going from city to city, conquering them… and then moving on. Totally a Khaleessi sort of thing to do. My ultimate goal is to rule the Seven Kingdoms. But how can I be a good ruler of seven kingdoms if I can’t even rule one city? Oh… I can CONQUER just fine. But rule? Not so much.
Missandei: Hey now, you’re a great ruler, Dany. You freed the slaves and all that stuff. You’re the Abe Lincoln of these books. You know, without the getting shot in the head part. I hope. I guess the books aren’t finished yet… so you never know.
Dany: Thanks for the kind words, young person who has been alive for one decade and has no grasp on politics or state building.
Missandei: Says the girl who is… what? Five years older than me?
Dany: My point is this… these books are clearly loaded with all sorts of metaphors. My brother was a metaphor for the tyrant who thinks he deserves to rule by his bloodline, and would be a terrible leader that would be quickly overthrown. Renly was a metaphor for a man who liked to play at being king but had no interest in actually ruling. Robert Baratheon is a metaphor for a great warrior who could make himself king via military strength… but then when it came time to “win the peace” rather than “win the war,” he was woefully incompetent at rule itself. Right now, all signs in the books are pointing towards me being another King Robert. Oh yeah… I can kick ass in the battles. But afterwards? I leave a city and it falls apart and gets ruled by some fucking butcher. Well, NO MORE I say! Before I try to rule the world… I will prove that I can rule just one city!
Il Palazzo: Yes, a sound and logical strategy.
Dany: Therefore, I will not abandon Meereen as I did Aspator. I will stay here and not leave until I can prove I can rule it and make peace!
Well, this should go swimmingly.
Dany: Shut your mouth, narrator. Are you going to be the third person to betray me?
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