Sansa wakes up one morning and is in that sleepy state where she can’t quite remember where she is. Then she does. She’s in the Eyrie with her terrible aunt and cousin. And she’s no longer even Sansa. Now she’s “Alayne Snow,” Littlefinger’s bastard daughter.
Things are not good here. The palace is freezing cold and nearly empty. There is just Aunt Lysa, annoying twat Robert, and Marillion the rapey singer. Littlefinger isn’t even around that often, because he’s “gone on business.” And all of Lysa’s lords? They’re not happy either because they all seem to hate Littlefinger and/or resent Lysa for not supporting Robb Stark.
She looks outside into a courtyard and sees it is snowing. It reminds her of Winterfell. And that’s super sad because now everyone she ever loved is dead and Winterfell is burnt ashes.
She goes outside into the snow, and begins to build a snow castle that looks like Winterfell. She spends hours perfecting it. She notices people watching her from the windows. Various nobles. Even lady Lysa. And then…
Littlefinger: Oh, hai gurl.
Sansa: Littlefinger, you’re back!
Littlefinger: Oh, don’t call me that. Call me “daddy.”
Sansa: Uhhhh… how about “father,” instead?
Littlefinger: No. I’d really, really like it if you called me “Daddy.” Or even better, “Zaddy.”
Sansa: No. Will you help me build this snow castle? I don’t know how to do the windows. And my bridges keep collapsing.
Littlefinger: Sure. You see… with the windows, you gotta do a cross-stitch with the twigs. Like this. See? Now, there is no actual window inside, but the twigs make it look like the window frame. And for the bridges… you need to support them like this… see?
Sansa: Oh wow! That’s really good! You’re good at this!
Littlefinger: Is this supposed to be Winterfell?
Sansa: Yeah.
Littlefinger: I always thought of Winterfell as a cold, dark place. That’s what I thought it was when your mother was taken away from me to go there. Why would you want to re-create it?
Sansa: Oh no. It was so warm and nice! It was built on a hot spring. It’s the best. I miss home so much. *giggle*
She then throws a snowball at him.
Littlefinger: Da fuq?
Sansa: That’s what you get for bringing me here… rather than to Winterfell. Also because I'm playful and young! And pretty much any human being is compelled to throw a snowball at other human beings after it snows.
Littlefinger: Oh, Sansa! I played you false, it’s true. Here, give your daddy a hug.
Sansa: Erm… sure.
She goes in for the hug.
Littlefinger: Oh yeah, and a kiss too.
Sansa: Say what now—
*SMOOCH*
Sansa: *spit*spit* EW! Is that how you think you’d kiss your daughter? With tongue?
Littlefinger: Well, you know… you COULD HAVE BEEN my daughter. But you’re not. You’re a hot, hot girl. Probably even more beautiful than your mother. Why I’d love to—
Just then, young Robert wanders into the courtyard with his doll.
Robert Aryn: LOOK AT ME! I’M A GIANT! I’M A GIANT! I WILL DESTROY THIS CASTLE!
Robert goes up to the recreation of Winterfell that Sansa just spent HOURS making and starts kicking it all down and ruining it.
Sansa: STOP IT! STOP IT!
Robert: It’s not me doing it! It’s the giant! GIANT DESTROY! WHEEEE!!!
Sansa: YOU ASSHOLE!
Sansa grabs the doll from Robert and tears its head off. She sticks the doll head on a pike in the center of the Winterfell ruins.
Robert: WHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! WHAAAAAAA!!!! YOU KILLED HIM! I HATE YOU!
He falls down and begins having a seizure.
Ghost of High Heart: And thus the prophecy is fulfilled!
Sansa: What? Really? That was what your prophecy was about? The great prophecy “I dreamt of a maid at a feast with purple serpents in her hair, venom dripping from their fangs. And later I dreamt that maid again, slaying a savage giant in a castle built of snow?” That prophecy was about the Purple Wedding and then about me ripping off a doll’s head?
Ghost of High Heart: Aye.
Sansa: The doll’s head is a pretty lame thing to have a prophecy about.
Ghost of High Heart: Everyone’s a fucking critic. I don't see your lame ass giving chillingly accurate prophecies about the future, do I?
Later, Maester Colemon is giving Robert dreamwine, to calm him down. He then sends Robert to his chambers for another leeching.
Sansa: I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Ugh. I’m probably going to have to go see Lysa now, huh?
Littlefinger: Yep.
Sansa: I hope she banishes me. Because I hate this place. And I don’t want to marry that little shitty boy.
Sure enough, later Lysa sends Marillion to summon her. Along the whole way, he tries to hit on her and molest her. She doesn’t know much about him, but in her short time here she’s learned that every single person here other than Lysa and Robert hate him.
She reaches Lysa in the High Hall, who is alone on the dias.
Lysa: I saw what you did, you naughty girl!
Sansa: Yes, Lysa. I’m so sorry. But Robert… I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know he’d have a seizure. He ruined my castle! I spent hours working on it and…
Lysa: Robert? ROBERT?! What are you talking about? I don’t care about that! You know what you did… you WICKED, EVIL GIRL!
Sansa: Uhm… what?
Lysa: Still playing coy, huh? DECEIVER! I SAW YOU KISSING MY PETYR! You temptress! You harlot! You Jezebel! Seducing him with your feminine wiles!
Sansa: Uhh… that was GROSS. I wanted no part of that. He kissed me!
Lysa: LIAR! I saw everything! You’re trying to steal him away from me! Just like your filthy whore mother did! She led him on and cockteased him! But it was I who gave up my virginity to Petyr that night! I made sure I turned off all the lights and got him drunk! He kept calling me “Cat” as we had sex, but I knew he really meant to be calling my name. He got me pregnant that night but dad made me have an abortion and then marry Jon Arryn to prevent my dishonor from becoming public!
Sansa: I’m… I’m sorry! I didn’t!... It was Lord Baelish… he…
Lysa grabs her by the hair and pulls her over towards the Moon Door. Lysa orders Sansa to open it, and she reluctantly does.
Lysa: So you say you’re SORRY, huh? Only people who ADMIT TO THEIR GUILT say that they’re sorry! So you ADMIT to trying to steal my beloved Petyr!? HARLOT! WHORE!
Sansa: AGH!! AGH!! STOP!
Lysa gives Marillion a nod, and Marillion starts playing some music to help block out the screams. Lysa holds Sansa out of the Moon Door and makes her look down.
Lysa: SEE THAT?! SEE THAT?! I’m gonna throw your ass out and—
The door bursts open.
Littlefinger: Uhh… just what the hell is going on here?
Lysa: HER! SHE KISSED YOU! I SAW IT!
Littlefinger: And? She’s just a child.
Lysa: SHE MUST BE TAUGHT A LESSON!
Littlefinger: Well, you almost just threw her out of the Moon Door. So surely she has learned it?
Lysa: I… I…. I want her sent away! She can’t stay here!
Littlefinger: Oh… oh… of course, my love. I’ll send her away.
Lysa: You… you… you CAN’T WANT HER. YOU CAN’T! Is this because the baby? I’M SO SORRY, PETYR! I’m so sorry for our baby! I didn’t want to! Father made me.
Littlefinger: Hahaha, okaaaaaaaaay. Whatever girl. Blabbermouth. Shhhh! Better not dwell on the past though. Talking about the past too much is really a bad idea.
Lysa: No, no! It’s good to let it all out. Very therapeutic. Like… like… how you told me to put that Tears of Lys poison into my husband’s wine to murder him? And then have me write a letter to my sister accusing the Lannisters? It was so smart! You’re so smart, Petyr! I killed my husband just like you said… so that we could be together and have another beautiful baby together!
Littlefinger: Shhh! Shhh! Calm down, honey. Just… icks-nay on the urder-may.
Lysa: I mean really, if you think about it your plot set off this whole series. Because of that, King Robert went up to Winterfell. Jaime threw Bran out the window. Ned came down to Winterfell to replace my husband as the new hand and he got murdered. Rob Stark called himself king and rebelled. Etc. Etc. All of it, because of your awesome plan!
Littlefinger: Shhh! Shhhh! Crazy talk, Sansa. Don't listen to that. Crazy emotional woman talk.
Lysa: And I did it all to be with you! SO WHY WOULD YOU KISS HERRRRRRR?!
Littlefinger: Baby, baby! Calm yourself. You know I have only ever loved one woman. Well. Two women if you count when I was really, really into Britney Spears, circa Fall of 1999. I mean I was SUPER into her. The courts called it obsession and I got a restraining order. Yet I know it was love. But anyway… other than her… I’ve really only ever loved one woman!
Lysa: Oh Petyr! Truly?
Littlefinger: Yeah. Your sister.
Lysa: Wh-AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Littlefinger throws her out the Moon Door.
Littlefinger: Oh, and I guess her daughter a little bit too.
Sansa: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Littlefinger: Yeah, I know, right?
Sansa: YOU JUST MURDERED HER!
Littlefinger: Yeah. Because she just tried to murder you. So really, I was just defending you from an insane person.
Sansa: Yes. Good point. But you also did it in front of a witness. Remember?
She points over at Marillion.
Littlefinger: Oh shit. I forgot about him. Because he wasn't even here in the TV show.
Marillion: Uhmm…. errrr…. Hey guys.
Littlefinger: Oh yeah. A witness, Sansa. A witness that everyone in the Vale hates. A witness that tried to rape you, Sansa. A witness that specifically playing music to drown out your screams so that your Aunt could murder you? A witness whose word would be one against two others, who tell a different story.
Sansa: Yes. Another good set of points. Hrm.
Littlefinger: *ahem* OH MY! GUARDS! GUARDS! SOMEONE HELP! THIS SINGER JUST KILLED MY WIFE!
Sansa: Hahaha, sweet. OH HEY! Does the last chapter of the book get to be mine for one? I get to be a book closer?! YESS!!!
Not quite.
Sansa: What do you mean “not quite?” This is the last chapter, right?
Yes. This is the last chapter. But there is an epilogue.
Sansa: WHAT?! There were never any epilogues before!
Well, now there is…
Things are not good here. The palace is freezing cold and nearly empty. There is just Aunt Lysa, annoying twat Robert, and Marillion the rapey singer. Littlefinger isn’t even around that often, because he’s “gone on business.” And all of Lysa’s lords? They’re not happy either because they all seem to hate Littlefinger and/or resent Lysa for not supporting Robb Stark.
She looks outside into a courtyard and sees it is snowing. It reminds her of Winterfell. And that’s super sad because now everyone she ever loved is dead and Winterfell is burnt ashes.
She goes outside into the snow, and begins to build a snow castle that looks like Winterfell. She spends hours perfecting it. She notices people watching her from the windows. Various nobles. Even lady Lysa. And then…
Littlefinger: Oh, hai gurl.
Sansa: Littlefinger, you’re back!
Littlefinger: Oh, don’t call me that. Call me “daddy.”
Sansa: Uhhhh… how about “father,” instead?
Littlefinger: No. I’d really, really like it if you called me “Daddy.” Or even better, “Zaddy.”
Sansa: No. Will you help me build this snow castle? I don’t know how to do the windows. And my bridges keep collapsing.
Littlefinger: Sure. You see… with the windows, you gotta do a cross-stitch with the twigs. Like this. See? Now, there is no actual window inside, but the twigs make it look like the window frame. And for the bridges… you need to support them like this… see?
Sansa: Oh wow! That’s really good! You’re good at this!
Littlefinger: Is this supposed to be Winterfell?
Sansa: Yeah.
Littlefinger: I always thought of Winterfell as a cold, dark place. That’s what I thought it was when your mother was taken away from me to go there. Why would you want to re-create it?
Sansa: Oh no. It was so warm and nice! It was built on a hot spring. It’s the best. I miss home so much. *giggle*
She then throws a snowball at him.
Littlefinger: Da fuq?
Sansa: That’s what you get for bringing me here… rather than to Winterfell. Also because I'm playful and young! And pretty much any human being is compelled to throw a snowball at other human beings after it snows.
Littlefinger: Oh, Sansa! I played you false, it’s true. Here, give your daddy a hug.
Sansa: Erm… sure.
She goes in for the hug.
Littlefinger: Oh yeah, and a kiss too.
Sansa: Say what now—
*SMOOCH*
Sansa: *spit*spit* EW! Is that how you think you’d kiss your daughter? With tongue?
Littlefinger: Well, you know… you COULD HAVE BEEN my daughter. But you’re not. You’re a hot, hot girl. Probably even more beautiful than your mother. Why I’d love to—
Just then, young Robert wanders into the courtyard with his doll.
Robert Aryn: LOOK AT ME! I’M A GIANT! I’M A GIANT! I WILL DESTROY THIS CASTLE!
Robert goes up to the recreation of Winterfell that Sansa just spent HOURS making and starts kicking it all down and ruining it.
Sansa: STOP IT! STOP IT!
Robert: It’s not me doing it! It’s the giant! GIANT DESTROY! WHEEEE!!!
Sansa: YOU ASSHOLE!
Sansa grabs the doll from Robert and tears its head off. She sticks the doll head on a pike in the center of the Winterfell ruins.
Robert: WHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! WHAAAAAAA!!!! YOU KILLED HIM! I HATE YOU!
He falls down and begins having a seizure.
Ghost of High Heart: And thus the prophecy is fulfilled!
Sansa: What? Really? That was what your prophecy was about? The great prophecy “I dreamt of a maid at a feast with purple serpents in her hair, venom dripping from their fangs. And later I dreamt that maid again, slaying a savage giant in a castle built of snow?” That prophecy was about the Purple Wedding and then about me ripping off a doll’s head?
Ghost of High Heart: Aye.
Sansa: The doll’s head is a pretty lame thing to have a prophecy about.
Ghost of High Heart: Everyone’s a fucking critic. I don't see your lame ass giving chillingly accurate prophecies about the future, do I?
Later, Maester Colemon is giving Robert dreamwine, to calm him down. He then sends Robert to his chambers for another leeching.
Sansa: I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Ugh. I’m probably going to have to go see Lysa now, huh?
Littlefinger: Yep.
Sansa: I hope she banishes me. Because I hate this place. And I don’t want to marry that little shitty boy.
Sure enough, later Lysa sends Marillion to summon her. Along the whole way, he tries to hit on her and molest her. She doesn’t know much about him, but in her short time here she’s learned that every single person here other than Lysa and Robert hate him.
She reaches Lysa in the High Hall, who is alone on the dias.
Lysa: I saw what you did, you naughty girl!
Sansa: Yes, Lysa. I’m so sorry. But Robert… I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know he’d have a seizure. He ruined my castle! I spent hours working on it and…
Lysa: Robert? ROBERT?! What are you talking about? I don’t care about that! You know what you did… you WICKED, EVIL GIRL!
Sansa: Uhm… what?
Lysa: Still playing coy, huh? DECEIVER! I SAW YOU KISSING MY PETYR! You temptress! You harlot! You Jezebel! Seducing him with your feminine wiles!
Sansa: Uhh… that was GROSS. I wanted no part of that. He kissed me!
Lysa: LIAR! I saw everything! You’re trying to steal him away from me! Just like your filthy whore mother did! She led him on and cockteased him! But it was I who gave up my virginity to Petyr that night! I made sure I turned off all the lights and got him drunk! He kept calling me “Cat” as we had sex, but I knew he really meant to be calling my name. He got me pregnant that night but dad made me have an abortion and then marry Jon Arryn to prevent my dishonor from becoming public!
Sansa: I’m… I’m sorry! I didn’t!... It was Lord Baelish… he…
Lysa grabs her by the hair and pulls her over towards the Moon Door. Lysa orders Sansa to open it, and she reluctantly does.
Lysa: So you say you’re SORRY, huh? Only people who ADMIT TO THEIR GUILT say that they’re sorry! So you ADMIT to trying to steal my beloved Petyr!? HARLOT! WHORE!
Sansa: AGH!! AGH!! STOP!
Lysa gives Marillion a nod, and Marillion starts playing some music to help block out the screams. Lysa holds Sansa out of the Moon Door and makes her look down.
Lysa: SEE THAT?! SEE THAT?! I’m gonna throw your ass out and—
The door bursts open.
Littlefinger: Uhh… just what the hell is going on here?
Lysa: HER! SHE KISSED YOU! I SAW IT!
Littlefinger: And? She’s just a child.
Lysa: SHE MUST BE TAUGHT A LESSON!
Littlefinger: Well, you almost just threw her out of the Moon Door. So surely she has learned it?
Lysa: I… I…. I want her sent away! She can’t stay here!
Littlefinger: Oh… oh… of course, my love. I’ll send her away.
Lysa: You… you… you CAN’T WANT HER. YOU CAN’T! Is this because the baby? I’M SO SORRY, PETYR! I’m so sorry for our baby! I didn’t want to! Father made me.
Littlefinger: Hahaha, okaaaaaaaaay. Whatever girl. Blabbermouth. Shhhh! Better not dwell on the past though. Talking about the past too much is really a bad idea.
Lysa: No, no! It’s good to let it all out. Very therapeutic. Like… like… how you told me to put that Tears of Lys poison into my husband’s wine to murder him? And then have me write a letter to my sister accusing the Lannisters? It was so smart! You’re so smart, Petyr! I killed my husband just like you said… so that we could be together and have another beautiful baby together!
Littlefinger: Shhh! Shhh! Calm down, honey. Just… icks-nay on the urder-may.
Lysa: I mean really, if you think about it your plot set off this whole series. Because of that, King Robert went up to Winterfell. Jaime threw Bran out the window. Ned came down to Winterfell to replace my husband as the new hand and he got murdered. Rob Stark called himself king and rebelled. Etc. Etc. All of it, because of your awesome plan!
Littlefinger: Shhh! Shhhh! Crazy talk, Sansa. Don't listen to that. Crazy emotional woman talk.
Lysa: And I did it all to be with you! SO WHY WOULD YOU KISS HERRRRRRR?!
Littlefinger: Baby, baby! Calm yourself. You know I have only ever loved one woman. Well. Two women if you count when I was really, really into Britney Spears, circa Fall of 1999. I mean I was SUPER into her. The courts called it obsession and I got a restraining order. Yet I know it was love. But anyway… other than her… I’ve really only ever loved one woman!
Lysa: Oh Petyr! Truly?
Littlefinger: Yeah. Your sister.
Lysa: Wh-AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Littlefinger throws her out the Moon Door.
Littlefinger: Oh, and I guess her daughter a little bit too.
Sansa: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Littlefinger: Yeah, I know, right?
Sansa: YOU JUST MURDERED HER!
Littlefinger: Yeah. Because she just tried to murder you. So really, I was just defending you from an insane person.
Sansa: Yes. Good point. But you also did it in front of a witness. Remember?
She points over at Marillion.
Littlefinger: Oh shit. I forgot about him. Because he wasn't even here in the TV show.
Marillion: Uhmm…. errrr…. Hey guys.
Littlefinger: Oh yeah. A witness, Sansa. A witness that everyone in the Vale hates. A witness that tried to rape you, Sansa. A witness that specifically playing music to drown out your screams so that your Aunt could murder you? A witness whose word would be one against two others, who tell a different story.
Sansa: Yes. Another good set of points. Hrm.
Littlefinger: *ahem* OH MY! GUARDS! GUARDS! SOMEONE HELP! THIS SINGER JUST KILLED MY WIFE!
Sansa: Hahaha, sweet. OH HEY! Does the last chapter of the book get to be mine for one? I get to be a book closer?! YESS!!!
Not quite.
Sansa: What do you mean “not quite?” This is the last chapter, right?
Yes. This is the last chapter. But there is an epilogue.
Sansa: WHAT?! There were never any epilogues before!
Well, now there is…
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