Jaime is bored as he watches King Tommen sign a bunch of orders and pieces of paper that the King needs to sign.
Tommen: WHEE! Being king is fun! I like signing things.
Kevan Lannister: Yes, well. Just sign these things that say Edmure and Blackfish Tully are traitors who deserve to be killed, a grant of land to Emmon Frey, the legitimization of Lord Bolton’s bastard son, and the raising for Rolph Spicer to be a Lord.
Jaime: Wow, nice way to slip in the thing about Ramsey Bolton in the middle so that it almost goes unnoticed. Smooth.
Jaime then thinks back on his training sessions with his left hand. He called upon Ser Addam Marbrand to help him swordfight. Needless to say, the training was disastrous.
Jaime: I hope Addam doesn’t go around talking to people about that shit. I hope that bitch knows how to keep things on the DL. Man, I should have sparred with Ser Ilyn Payne instead. Because his tongue has been cut out and he can’t talk. Haha, that would be awesome. Like me and Ilyn Payne hanging out with one another. What a great buddy comedy that would be!
Bronn: What about hanging out with me instead?
Jaime: No. Ilyn Payne sounds much better.
With Tommen being done signing all the papers, Kevan now turns to Jaime.
Kevan: Jaime, this argument with your father really needs to end. You two need to be on the same page.
Jaime: Fuck that guy. I hate him. I hope he dies really, really soon.
Kevan: Aww, that’s a messed up thing to say. What if he does die really, really soon and you never get to make up with him before it’s too late? Then you could be haunted for the rest of your life!
Jaime: Or, you know, I could feel NOTHING at all just like I feel nothing about Joffrey being dead. Which do you think is more likely?
Kevan: …
Jaime: Besides, he sent me those mocking gifts!
Kevan: Mocking? Those gifts were heartfelt.
Jaime: He gave me a sword, Uncle. A SWORD! You know… to use with my cut-off hand. Pretty douchey. Imagine you had just been stabbed in the eyes and were now blind. And then Tywin gives you a pair of sunglasses as a gift.
Kevan: I’d think that would be thoughtful, because it would allow me to hide my injured eyes from everyone. They won’t be creeped out looking at those milky, wounded eyes.
Jaime: *sigh* I just can’t with you.
Jaime walks away and goes to the ward, where he finds Steelshanks.
Jaime: Oh, HEY Steelshanks! I see you’re still around as a character. For surprisingly longer than I thought you’d be.
Steelshanks: Yes, well. I’m packing up all my things to leave now with “Arya Stark.” She’s going to marry Lord Bolton’s son, Ramsay.
Jaime: WTF? Arya Stark?
“Arya Stark” walks up.
Jeyne Poole: Hi, I’m Jeyne Poole.
Steelshanks elbows her in the ribs.
Jeyne Poole: Ow! I mean… uh… Arya Stark. Yes, I am Arya Stark. I have an ugly horse face! My face is sooooooo ugly. Jeyne Poole is so glad I don't look like me at all. With my ugly face. Like a horse. A particularly ugly horse. If Jeyne looked like me it would be the worst. I bet she can't imagine people possibly mistaking us for each other. Like, you know, confusing us. If somebody was like, "I need someone to stand in for Arya," they would NEVER pick Jeyne Poole. Because she look nothing like me.
Jaime: That dialogue seems oddly familiar. But whatever! Who cares? Everyone who knows what Arya Stark looks like is dead, so it will probably work.
Steelshanks: Well, peace. Bye, bitch!
Steelshanks and “Arya” leave.
Jaime then turns to reflectively thinking about how The Mountain’s wounds are festering and he’s going to die soon. You know, because The Red Viper poisoned his spear. Also, even if the spear wasn’t poisoned… the Red Viper still skewered The Mountain like a kebab. Which is a pretty damn brutal thing to do in modern society, let alone a medieval society that doesn’t have good medicine or understand bacteria. Anyway, Lord Tywin refused to let Pycelle and the others hunt down The Red Viper’s compatriots from Dorne to learn more about what poison might have been used. That would just cause more trouble with Dorne, which is already pretty pissed off. Anything else and Stannis might sail there and make allies.
Next Jaime goes to his bedroom to get some rest. When he gets there, he sees someone already laying on his bed…
Cersei: Hey there, cowboy! I didn't put a saddle on my back, but you can still ride me... bareback.
She pats the bed seductively.
Jaime: Uh, I know this is going to sound strange coming from my mouth… but at this time I’m actually NOT in the mood to fuck my sister.
Cersei: Oh, come on! You know you want it! You’re probably just in a bad mood because you’re fighting with dad. You two should really make up or something.
Jaime: Why does everyone keep telling me to make amends with my father like he’ll only be around for a few more chapters?
Cersei: *blinks obliviously*
Jaime: Anyway, dad wants me to leave the Kingsguard so I can go home and rule Casterly Rock. Fuck that.
Cersei: Yeah, he wants me back there too. So that I’m kept away from Tommen and Kevan is his mentor. Boo! I’m a great mother and advisor for a king. Just look how great Joffrey turned out.
Jaime: …
Cersei: And the Tyrells are insisting that Tommen marry Margaery! GROSS! She’s twice his age and twice widowed. She’s bad luck! He’ll probably die too if he marries her.
Jaime: Meh.
Cersei: How can you say that about your own son?
Jaime: Hey bitch, you’re the one that told me to show the kids no affection.
Cersei: That was to protect them! Everyone had to think Robert was their father! If you were dawting over them the whole time, people would be suspicious.
Jaime: Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I could not give a shit about any of our kids.
Cersei: Oh come on! You have to care about them a LITTLE! What about Myrcella? What if she was in danger in Dorne! Wouldn’t you go on a mission to Dorne to save her?
Jaime: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Me going on a mission to Dorne to save Myrcella sounds really dumb, the plotwould be dumb and poorly executed, and the fans would hate it and mock the whole season.
Cersei: Ah.
Jaime: And I’m tired of this bullshit of us having to hide ourselves. I wish I could openly declare my love for you, just like the Targaryens didn’t care if everyone knew they banged each other. I’m done doing stuff like I did to that Stark boy?
Cersei: Huh?
Jaime: Remember? I threw him out the window!
Cersei: Oh yeah, right. Right. I was thinking of something else. You know our little shitty murdering dwarf imp brother accused me of sending some assassin with a blade after him. I thought maybe you were talking about that.
Jaime: Interesting. So that’s a real thing that happened, huh?
Cersei: Yeah. Why do you ask?
Jaime: Lady Catelyn accused ME of doing it too. So did you do it?
Cersei: WHAT? NO! Did you do it?
Jaime: No!
Cersei: Not that the kid should have lived or anything. Even Ned’s best friend, Robert, thought it was best that the poor kid die and said so… rather than suffer through life as a cripple.
Jaime: Was anyone there when Robert said that?
Cersei: Yeah, the kids.
Jaime: Ah. Well, then Joffrey probably ordered it. You know how he worshipped his "dad," even though he was an unloving shit that paid him no attention.
Cersei: This is the least satisfying resolution to that multi-book murder mystery plot that there could have been. Joffrey did it because he overhead his dad say that the kid should die? I expected a lot better plot twist than that.
Jaime: Okay. Let’s just say Myrcella did it then!
Cersei: Ugh. Don’t say things like that. Stop being weird and do something normal… like fuck your sister!
She lays back down on the bed again and spreads her legs.
Jaime: Ugh. No. I’m not in the mood!
Said no man ever to Lena Headey.
Cersei: Ugh. Did Vargo Hoat have your dick cut off too? You could have never protected Joffrey anyway, even if you did arrive in time. You’ve spent your whole life protecting our shitty brother, even though he murdered our son. You’re the worst. You’re a cripple and a disappointment!
Jaime: Well, you don’t take rejection very well.
Cersei storms out.
Jaime: Everyone is saying the Lannisters “won” this war. And yet here we are… I don’t have a hand, Joffrey was killed, and all the surviving Lannisters hate one another. Winning isn’t what it used to be.
Next, Jaime summons Loras and Brienne to his chambers.
Knight of Flowers: Whut?
Jaime: Have you two spoken and sorted this shit out yet?
Knight of Flowers: Well… I’m… uhh… no longer certain that Brienne had anything to do with Renly’s death. I mean she probably did. But I’m not certain.
Jaime: Yeah. Remember how the castellan of Storm’s End also died under mysterious circumstances like Renly. Probably some Stannis magic shit. Now leave. Except you, Brienne. You stay.
Loras leaves.
Jaime: Hey gurl. You look pretty in that dress.
Brienne: It’s odd that you’ve made gay jokes about Loras in the past, yet the only two women you seem to be attracted to are one that is your twin and looks just like you, and another who looks like a man.
Jaime: Shh! I have some stuff to talk about. Those Stark girls you swore to protect. Arya Stark, for one. It looks like my father has concocted some strange plan to get a fake version of Arya Stark to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard son and claim Winterfell. Bolton, I assume, knows that’s she’s a fake and doesn’t care. Well… that’s the story of ONE of the sisters. The other sister, Sansa, you know about. She probably killed Joffrey and has now fled. I bet my brother is covering for her.
Brienne: No way. That girl couldn’t hurt a fly. She’s innocent!
Jaime: Eh. Whatever. It doesn’t matter because Joffrey was a little shit. Here, have this.
Jaime pulls out his fancy, jeweled sword. It glistens in the light.
Brienne: Valyrian Steel!
Jaime: Indeed. It’s yours.
Brienne: WHAT?!
Jaime: Gift from my dad. But look at my hand. I can't use this shit. I have named the sword “Oathkeeper.” It’s melted down from Ned Stark’s own sword, Ice. I want you to have it.
Brienne: So that I can use it to hunt down and kill Sansa? No thanks!
Jaime: Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking dumb sometimes. Why do you think I just brought up your pledge to protect the Stark girls and why do you think I named it Oatkkeeper? Remember, I made a promise to bring the girls back to their mother too. But I’m a cripple now, so I’d be useless. It’s all up to you now. I give you this sword, forged from the Stark family’s own blade. And I want you to find Sansa Stark and, if she’s still alive, the real Arya Stark. I want you to fulfill the oaths we both made to Lady Catelyn and deliver the Stark girls to safety, wherever that may be.
Brienne: Oh… oh… SHIT! Wow. I keep underestimating you and thinking you’re a douche. But really, you’re sort of a good guy.
Jaime: Eh, don’t get too carried away and award me the Nobel Peace Prize yet. I still fuck my sister and threw a kid out a window.
Brienne: I… I promise to succeed and defend these Stark girls.
Jaime: Good. Now get the fuck out! I don't want to see you ever again. Especially if it's as part of some ploy to get me to the undead corpse of Cat Stark under the guise of rescuing Sansa from the Hound.
Brienne: Well that seems like a highly unlikely future scenario, but whatever.
She leaves.
Jaime then looks at his entry in the Kingsuard White Book.
Jaime: Well, I better start updating my entry. Let’s see… let’s see… put some stuff in about being defeated by Robb Stark. Being ransomed at Riverrun. Captured again by Vargo Hoat. Losing my sword. Returned to Kinds Landing. Eh. This is all pretty depressing. And most of the page is still empty. But I guess the future isn’t written yet, huh? Just like Sarah Connor said. God, Sarah Connor is hot. The Lena Hedley version from the TV show, I mean. Wait. Why didn't I want to have sex with her again?
Tommen: WHEE! Being king is fun! I like signing things.
Kevan Lannister: Yes, well. Just sign these things that say Edmure and Blackfish Tully are traitors who deserve to be killed, a grant of land to Emmon Frey, the legitimization of Lord Bolton’s bastard son, and the raising for Rolph Spicer to be a Lord.
Jaime: Wow, nice way to slip in the thing about Ramsey Bolton in the middle so that it almost goes unnoticed. Smooth.
Jaime then thinks back on his training sessions with his left hand. He called upon Ser Addam Marbrand to help him swordfight. Needless to say, the training was disastrous.
Jaime: I hope Addam doesn’t go around talking to people about that shit. I hope that bitch knows how to keep things on the DL. Man, I should have sparred with Ser Ilyn Payne instead. Because his tongue has been cut out and he can’t talk. Haha, that would be awesome. Like me and Ilyn Payne hanging out with one another. What a great buddy comedy that would be!
Bronn: What about hanging out with me instead?
Jaime: No. Ilyn Payne sounds much better.
With Tommen being done signing all the papers, Kevan now turns to Jaime.
Kevan: Jaime, this argument with your father really needs to end. You two need to be on the same page.
Jaime: Fuck that guy. I hate him. I hope he dies really, really soon.
Kevan: Aww, that’s a messed up thing to say. What if he does die really, really soon and you never get to make up with him before it’s too late? Then you could be haunted for the rest of your life!
Jaime: Or, you know, I could feel NOTHING at all just like I feel nothing about Joffrey being dead. Which do you think is more likely?
Kevan: …
Jaime: Besides, he sent me those mocking gifts!
Kevan: Mocking? Those gifts were heartfelt.
Jaime: He gave me a sword, Uncle. A SWORD! You know… to use with my cut-off hand. Pretty douchey. Imagine you had just been stabbed in the eyes and were now blind. And then Tywin gives you a pair of sunglasses as a gift.
Kevan: I’d think that would be thoughtful, because it would allow me to hide my injured eyes from everyone. They won’t be creeped out looking at those milky, wounded eyes.
Jaime: *sigh* I just can’t with you.
Jaime walks away and goes to the ward, where he finds Steelshanks.
Jaime: Oh, HEY Steelshanks! I see you’re still around as a character. For surprisingly longer than I thought you’d be.
Steelshanks: Yes, well. I’m packing up all my things to leave now with “Arya Stark.” She’s going to marry Lord Bolton’s son, Ramsay.
Jaime: WTF? Arya Stark?
“Arya Stark” walks up.
Jeyne Poole: Hi, I’m Jeyne Poole.
Steelshanks elbows her in the ribs.
Jeyne Poole: Ow! I mean… uh… Arya Stark. Yes, I am Arya Stark. I have an ugly horse face! My face is sooooooo ugly. Jeyne Poole is so glad I don't look like me at all. With my ugly face. Like a horse. A particularly ugly horse. If Jeyne looked like me it would be the worst. I bet she can't imagine people possibly mistaking us for each other. Like, you know, confusing us. If somebody was like, "I need someone to stand in for Arya," they would NEVER pick Jeyne Poole. Because she look nothing like me.
Jaime: That dialogue seems oddly familiar. But whatever! Who cares? Everyone who knows what Arya Stark looks like is dead, so it will probably work.
Steelshanks: Well, peace. Bye, bitch!
Steelshanks and “Arya” leave.
Jaime then turns to reflectively thinking about how The Mountain’s wounds are festering and he’s going to die soon. You know, because The Red Viper poisoned his spear. Also, even if the spear wasn’t poisoned… the Red Viper still skewered The Mountain like a kebab. Which is a pretty damn brutal thing to do in modern society, let alone a medieval society that doesn’t have good medicine or understand bacteria. Anyway, Lord Tywin refused to let Pycelle and the others hunt down The Red Viper’s compatriots from Dorne to learn more about what poison might have been used. That would just cause more trouble with Dorne, which is already pretty pissed off. Anything else and Stannis might sail there and make allies.
Next Jaime goes to his bedroom to get some rest. When he gets there, he sees someone already laying on his bed…
Cersei: Hey there, cowboy! I didn't put a saddle on my back, but you can still ride me... bareback.
She pats the bed seductively.
Jaime: Uh, I know this is going to sound strange coming from my mouth… but at this time I’m actually NOT in the mood to fuck my sister.
Cersei: Oh, come on! You know you want it! You’re probably just in a bad mood because you’re fighting with dad. You two should really make up or something.
Jaime: Why does everyone keep telling me to make amends with my father like he’ll only be around for a few more chapters?
Cersei: *blinks obliviously*
Jaime: Anyway, dad wants me to leave the Kingsguard so I can go home and rule Casterly Rock. Fuck that.
Cersei: Yeah, he wants me back there too. So that I’m kept away from Tommen and Kevan is his mentor. Boo! I’m a great mother and advisor for a king. Just look how great Joffrey turned out.
Jaime: …
Cersei: And the Tyrells are insisting that Tommen marry Margaery! GROSS! She’s twice his age and twice widowed. She’s bad luck! He’ll probably die too if he marries her.
Jaime: Meh.
Cersei: How can you say that about your own son?
Jaime: Hey bitch, you’re the one that told me to show the kids no affection.
Cersei: That was to protect them! Everyone had to think Robert was their father! If you were dawting over them the whole time, people would be suspicious.
Jaime: Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I could not give a shit about any of our kids.
Cersei: Oh come on! You have to care about them a LITTLE! What about Myrcella? What if she was in danger in Dorne! Wouldn’t you go on a mission to Dorne to save her?
Jaime: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Me going on a mission to Dorne to save Myrcella sounds really dumb, the plotwould be dumb and poorly executed, and the fans would hate it and mock the whole season.
Cersei: Ah.
Jaime: And I’m tired of this bullshit of us having to hide ourselves. I wish I could openly declare my love for you, just like the Targaryens didn’t care if everyone knew they banged each other. I’m done doing stuff like I did to that Stark boy?
Cersei: Huh?
Jaime: Remember? I threw him out the window!
Cersei: Oh yeah, right. Right. I was thinking of something else. You know our little shitty murdering dwarf imp brother accused me of sending some assassin with a blade after him. I thought maybe you were talking about that.
Jaime: Interesting. So that’s a real thing that happened, huh?
Cersei: Yeah. Why do you ask?
Jaime: Lady Catelyn accused ME of doing it too. So did you do it?
Cersei: WHAT? NO! Did you do it?
Jaime: No!
Cersei: Not that the kid should have lived or anything. Even Ned’s best friend, Robert, thought it was best that the poor kid die and said so… rather than suffer through life as a cripple.
Jaime: Was anyone there when Robert said that?
Cersei: Yeah, the kids.
Jaime: Ah. Well, then Joffrey probably ordered it. You know how he worshipped his "dad," even though he was an unloving shit that paid him no attention.
Cersei: This is the least satisfying resolution to that multi-book murder mystery plot that there could have been. Joffrey did it because he overhead his dad say that the kid should die? I expected a lot better plot twist than that.
Jaime: Okay. Let’s just say Myrcella did it then!
Cersei: Ugh. Don’t say things like that. Stop being weird and do something normal… like fuck your sister!
She lays back down on the bed again and spreads her legs.
Jaime: Ugh. No. I’m not in the mood!
Said no man ever to Lena Headey.
Cersei: Ugh. Did Vargo Hoat have your dick cut off too? You could have never protected Joffrey anyway, even if you did arrive in time. You’ve spent your whole life protecting our shitty brother, even though he murdered our son. You’re the worst. You’re a cripple and a disappointment!
Jaime: Well, you don’t take rejection very well.
Cersei storms out.
Jaime: Everyone is saying the Lannisters “won” this war. And yet here we are… I don’t have a hand, Joffrey was killed, and all the surviving Lannisters hate one another. Winning isn’t what it used to be.
Next, Jaime summons Loras and Brienne to his chambers.
Knight of Flowers: Whut?
Jaime: Have you two spoken and sorted this shit out yet?
Knight of Flowers: Well… I’m… uhh… no longer certain that Brienne had anything to do with Renly’s death. I mean she probably did. But I’m not certain.
Jaime: Yeah. Remember how the castellan of Storm’s End also died under mysterious circumstances like Renly. Probably some Stannis magic shit. Now leave. Except you, Brienne. You stay.
Loras leaves.
Jaime: Hey gurl. You look pretty in that dress.
Brienne: It’s odd that you’ve made gay jokes about Loras in the past, yet the only two women you seem to be attracted to are one that is your twin and looks just like you, and another who looks like a man.
Jaime: Shh! I have some stuff to talk about. Those Stark girls you swore to protect. Arya Stark, for one. It looks like my father has concocted some strange plan to get a fake version of Arya Stark to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard son and claim Winterfell. Bolton, I assume, knows that’s she’s a fake and doesn’t care. Well… that’s the story of ONE of the sisters. The other sister, Sansa, you know about. She probably killed Joffrey and has now fled. I bet my brother is covering for her.
Brienne: No way. That girl couldn’t hurt a fly. She’s innocent!
Jaime: Eh. Whatever. It doesn’t matter because Joffrey was a little shit. Here, have this.
Jaime pulls out his fancy, jeweled sword. It glistens in the light.
Brienne: Valyrian Steel!
Jaime: Indeed. It’s yours.
Brienne: WHAT?!
Jaime: Gift from my dad. But look at my hand. I can't use this shit. I have named the sword “Oathkeeper.” It’s melted down from Ned Stark’s own sword, Ice. I want you to have it.
Brienne: So that I can use it to hunt down and kill Sansa? No thanks!
Jaime: Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking dumb sometimes. Why do you think I just brought up your pledge to protect the Stark girls and why do you think I named it Oatkkeeper? Remember, I made a promise to bring the girls back to their mother too. But I’m a cripple now, so I’d be useless. It’s all up to you now. I give you this sword, forged from the Stark family’s own blade. And I want you to find Sansa Stark and, if she’s still alive, the real Arya Stark. I want you to fulfill the oaths we both made to Lady Catelyn and deliver the Stark girls to safety, wherever that may be.
Brienne: Oh… oh… SHIT! Wow. I keep underestimating you and thinking you’re a douche. But really, you’re sort of a good guy.
Jaime: Eh, don’t get too carried away and award me the Nobel Peace Prize yet. I still fuck my sister and threw a kid out a window.
Brienne: I… I promise to succeed and defend these Stark girls.
Jaime: Good. Now get the fuck out! I don't want to see you ever again. Especially if it's as part of some ploy to get me to the undead corpse of Cat Stark under the guise of rescuing Sansa from the Hound.
Brienne: Well that seems like a highly unlikely future scenario, but whatever.
She leaves.
Jaime then looks at his entry in the Kingsuard White Book.
Jaime: Well, I better start updating my entry. Let’s see… let’s see… put some stuff in about being defeated by Robb Stark. Being ransomed at Riverrun. Captured again by Vargo Hoat. Losing my sword. Returned to Kinds Landing. Eh. This is all pretty depressing. And most of the page is still empty. But I guess the future isn’t written yet, huh? Just like Sarah Connor said. God, Sarah Connor is hot. The Lena Hedley version from the TV show, I mean. Wait. Why didn't I want to have sex with her again?
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