Jon is in the courtyard, sparring with some dude named Emmett, who I assume was sent to the Wall after being a RB for the Cowboys. He’s not really paying attention to the fight though. In his head, he’s still mulling over the offer that Stannis gave him – to become the new Lord of Winterfell.
In his absent-mindedness, Jon begins beating Emmett to a pulp in the fight. Others run in and pull him off.
Emmett: DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Jon: Oh. Sorry. Sorry! So sorry! It was an accident. You know I’m just so good and talented that I can whoop your ass when I’m not even paying attention to the fight. I’m so amazing and skilled a warrior I actually have to concentrate hard in order to go easy on people.
Emmett: Dude, you’re such a humble-bragger. I hate you.
Jon then embarrassingly retreats back to the armory, and thinks about how his wicked Stepmother Catelyn hated him so much.
While he’s there, Jon overhears Bowen Marsh and Alliser Thorne campaigning for Slynt.
Alliser: MAKE CASTLE BLACK GREAT AGAIN! Besides, we don’t have to listen to that Stannis loser. He’s just going to get crushed by Tywin Lannister anyway.
Bowen Marsh: Indeed. The very much alive Tywin Lannister. Who is, as I just said, alive and well.
They then see Jon standing there and stop.
Jon: Oh, no. Don’t stop your malevolent plotting on account of me. I’ll just go on my way.
He then leaves and wanders through the passage to the Other side of the Wall. He imagines what life will be like for him if Slynt is elected. Probably really, really short. He then thinks about what could have been with him and Ygritte. Maybe they could have had a son other. He dreams of being a father with heirs, just as he dreamed of ruling Winterfell as a child. But he always knew it was a foolish dream. He could have it though. He could be Lord of Winterfell and marry that hot blonde wildling girl, Val. He could… hey… wait a minute…
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’M BACK!]
Jon: GHOST?! HOLY SHIT! GHOOOOOOOSSSSST!!!!
That’s right! Ghost is back! Looks like he’s still alive after all! All Jon had to do was wander around, aimlessly thinking on the other side of the Wall and Ghost would come to him.
Jon: I missed you boy! Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?
He rubs his belly. I mean a wolf may be a wolf, but it still loves belly rubs.
The return of Ghost tells Jon that there has been a message from the Old Gods… and there can be only one way to answer Stannis’s offer.
Jon: But I’m not going to say what way that is. I’ll just go back to the Dining Hall to check in on the election debate.
He crosses the passage with Ghost and goes back to the Castle Black dining hall. There, he steps into the middle of a furious debate.
Thorne: OH LOOK! The turncloak returns. And it looks like he found his wolf-o!
Slynt: Ugh. Get that beast out of here! You’re a filthy warg! That beast killed the Halfhand.
Jon: Shut up before I have it kill you as well. Just what’s going on here and why are you assholes even more angry with me than usual?
Aemon: Jon Snow, your name has been put forward as Lord Commander.
Jon: Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat now? You must be joking.
Dolorous Edd stands up.
Dolorous Edd: Nah. I put your name forward. Sorry bro. But better you than me.
Slynt: Why would anyone vote for this traitor? We should be hanging him!
Everyone starts standing up and shouting.
Thorne: SHH! SHH! EVERYONE BE QUIET! It’s… I think… Othell Yarwyck’s turn to speak, isn’t it? Yes. I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe everyone should be quiet and listen to what we told… uhh… I mean… to what Othell has to say.
The room begins to quiet.
Othell Yarwyck: Hrm. You know what? Not long ago, this punk ass Thorne over here and his stooges made a pretty convincing argument for why I should step down as a candidate and endorse Slynt. But you know what? Now that I hear Jon Snow has been nominated… he sounds like a better choice.
Thorne: WHAT?!
Slynt: WHAT?!
Pyke: YEAH! YEAH! GREAT IDEA! You know what?! Let’s vote! People who voted me before should maybe consider Jon.
Mallister: YEAH! Lets vote! Not for me though! For Jon Snow!
Everyone: VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Sam: Okay, well then. We all use this gigantic kettle to drop our votes into. How about I, as Maester Aemon’s assistant, just open up this big kettle to pull the voting tokens out and…
He opens the kettle and a giant, black raven leaps out, croaking.
Raven: *squawk* SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! *squawk*
The Raven lands on Jon’s shoulders. Everyone gasps in amazement.
Thorne: Dude, what the fuck? Are you all going to really believe that was some magical sign from the heavens that we should vote for Jon Snow? First of all… those ravens are Sam’s pets that he trains how to talk. And Jon is Sam's best friend. Come on, people. You can’t see through this thinly veiled magic trick?
Everyone: VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They vote. Jon Snow wins by a landslide.
Jon is in shock.
Jon: What the FUCK just happened? First you wanna kill me. Then you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Cotter Pyke walks up to him and slaps him on the back.
Pyke: Don’t fuck this up, kid. If you do, I’ll rip out your liver and eat it.
Jon: Wow. Graphic.
Pyke: And don't steal any more damn lines from Army of Darkness.
Mallister comes up too.
Mallister: Well, you’re a young man and it’s unlikely I’ll live long enough to be around for another vote. Well, maybe. We're about to go into an epic and deadly war. And I just think I heard some people talking about putting together a plot to stab you. But you'll PROBABLY live a long time. Maybe. Or not. If so, that means I gave up my last chance at ever being Lord Commander to support you. Don’t make me regret that decision.
Pyp: Hahaha, man. If I were you, Jon, I’d start drinking heavily. Congrats, new Lord Commander!!!
Jon: Oh yeah. I need to start drinking alright. But not too much tonight. I still need to go to Stannis and tell him what just happened. *sigh*
In his absent-mindedness, Jon begins beating Emmett to a pulp in the fight. Others run in and pull him off.
Emmett: DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Jon: Oh. Sorry. Sorry! So sorry! It was an accident. You know I’m just so good and talented that I can whoop your ass when I’m not even paying attention to the fight. I’m so amazing and skilled a warrior I actually have to concentrate hard in order to go easy on people.
Emmett: Dude, you’re such a humble-bragger. I hate you.
Jon then embarrassingly retreats back to the armory, and thinks about how his wicked Stepmother Catelyn hated him so much.
While he’s there, Jon overhears Bowen Marsh and Alliser Thorne campaigning for Slynt.
Alliser: MAKE CASTLE BLACK GREAT AGAIN! Besides, we don’t have to listen to that Stannis loser. He’s just going to get crushed by Tywin Lannister anyway.
Bowen Marsh: Indeed. The very much alive Tywin Lannister. Who is, as I just said, alive and well.
They then see Jon standing there and stop.
Jon: Oh, no. Don’t stop your malevolent plotting on account of me. I’ll just go on my way.
He then leaves and wanders through the passage to the Other side of the Wall. He imagines what life will be like for him if Slynt is elected. Probably really, really short. He then thinks about what could have been with him and Ygritte. Maybe they could have had a son other. He dreams of being a father with heirs, just as he dreamed of ruling Winterfell as a child. But he always knew it was a foolish dream. He could have it though. He could be Lord of Winterfell and marry that hot blonde wildling girl, Val. He could… hey… wait a minute…
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’M BACK!]
Jon: GHOST?! HOLY SHIT! GHOOOOOOOSSSSST!!!!
That’s right! Ghost is back! Looks like he’s still alive after all! All Jon had to do was wander around, aimlessly thinking on the other side of the Wall and Ghost would come to him.
Jon: I missed you boy! Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?
He rubs his belly. I mean a wolf may be a wolf, but it still loves belly rubs.
The return of Ghost tells Jon that there has been a message from the Old Gods… and there can be only one way to answer Stannis’s offer.
Jon: But I’m not going to say what way that is. I’ll just go back to the Dining Hall to check in on the election debate.
He crosses the passage with Ghost and goes back to the Castle Black dining hall. There, he steps into the middle of a furious debate.
Thorne: OH LOOK! The turncloak returns. And it looks like he found his wolf-o!
Slynt: Ugh. Get that beast out of here! You’re a filthy warg! That beast killed the Halfhand.
Jon: Shut up before I have it kill you as well. Just what’s going on here and why are you assholes even more angry with me than usual?
Aemon: Jon Snow, your name has been put forward as Lord Commander.
Jon: Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat now? You must be joking.
Dolorous Edd stands up.
Dolorous Edd: Nah. I put your name forward. Sorry bro. But better you than me.
Slynt: Why would anyone vote for this traitor? We should be hanging him!
Everyone starts standing up and shouting.
Thorne: SHH! SHH! EVERYONE BE QUIET! It’s… I think… Othell Yarwyck’s turn to speak, isn’t it? Yes. I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe everyone should be quiet and listen to what we told… uhh… I mean… to what Othell has to say.
The room begins to quiet.
Othell Yarwyck: Hrm. You know what? Not long ago, this punk ass Thorne over here and his stooges made a pretty convincing argument for why I should step down as a candidate and endorse Slynt. But you know what? Now that I hear Jon Snow has been nominated… he sounds like a better choice.
Thorne: WHAT?!
Slynt: WHAT?!
Pyke: YEAH! YEAH! GREAT IDEA! You know what?! Let’s vote! People who voted me before should maybe consider Jon.
Mallister: YEAH! Lets vote! Not for me though! For Jon Snow!
Everyone: VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Sam: Okay, well then. We all use this gigantic kettle to drop our votes into. How about I, as Maester Aemon’s assistant, just open up this big kettle to pull the voting tokens out and…
He opens the kettle and a giant, black raven leaps out, croaking.
Raven: *squawk* SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! *squawk*
The Raven lands on Jon’s shoulders. Everyone gasps in amazement.
Thorne: Dude, what the fuck? Are you all going to really believe that was some magical sign from the heavens that we should vote for Jon Snow? First of all… those ravens are Sam’s pets that he trains how to talk. And Jon is Sam's best friend. Come on, people. You can’t see through this thinly veiled magic trick?
Everyone: VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They vote. Jon Snow wins by a landslide.
Jon is in shock.
Jon: What the FUCK just happened? First you wanna kill me. Then you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Cotter Pyke walks up to him and slaps him on the back.
Pyke: Don’t fuck this up, kid. If you do, I’ll rip out your liver and eat it.
Jon: Wow. Graphic.
Pyke: And don't steal any more damn lines from Army of Darkness.
Mallister comes up too.
Mallister: Well, you’re a young man and it’s unlikely I’ll live long enough to be around for another vote. Well, maybe. We're about to go into an epic and deadly war. And I just think I heard some people talking about putting together a plot to stab you. But you'll PROBABLY live a long time. Maybe. Or not. If so, that means I gave up my last chance at ever being Lord Commander to support you. Don’t make me regret that decision.
Pyp: Hahaha, man. If I were you, Jon, I’d start drinking heavily. Congrats, new Lord Commander!!!
Jon: Oh yeah. I need to start drinking alright. But not too much tonight. I still need to go to Stannis and tell him what just happened. *sigh*
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