Merrett Frey is on the road to Oldstones, completely hung over.
Merrett: Ugh. Snow already in the Riverlands? This is a bad sign. This is going to be a long, cold winter, I bet. I really don't want to have to live through a long, cold winter!
Don't worry. You won't.
Merrett: Huh? Did someone say something? Hrm... no... of course not. I'm just hungover and it was probably the wind.
Merrett is bitter about the task assigned to him. Petyr “Pimple” Frey, one of his stupid-ass cousins or something (not even the Freys can keep track of who is a cousin versus nephew, etc.), went and got himself kidnapped. Yep, that Beric Dondarrian asshole has been raiding Frey military parties all across the Riverlands ever since the Red Wedding
Merrett knows he’s better than all this crap work and doing BS like rescuing his cousin. He used to be a great knight! But due to a head injury… now everyone just thought he was a useless drunk. In fact, the only thing he was assigned to do at the Red Wedding was to get drunk with the Greatjon and make sure he was taken out. But he couldn’t even do that right, since the Greatjon attacked a bunch of people before he was taken down.
Merrett: I’ll show them all though! Once I get Petyr Pimple back from these outlaws… they’ll show me the respect I deserve!
He arrives at the ruins of Oldstones, where the bandits had sent the note telling him to be. There, he finds an outlaw playing a harp.
Tom O Sevens: Hey there.
Merrett: Who the hell are you guys?
Tom: Dude, I’m offended. I played at your daughter Amerei's wedding. That’s rough, man.
Merrett: I don’t care who you are.
Tom: Are you sure you don't remember me? Huh? Because we've totally met before. You remember which of your daughters is Amerei, right? The slutty one. They call her "Gatehouse" because everyone goes in and out of her, all day.
Merrett: HEY! SHUT UP! I’m here to meet Beric!
Lem Lemoncloak: Oh yeah. That’s me. I’m Beric.
Merrett: No you’re not! The bolded part before your line of dialogue clearly indicates that your name is “Lem.”
Other Guy: I’m Beric!
Fourth Guy: I’m Beric!
Fifth Guy: I’m Spartacus! Uhh… I mean, “Beric!”
Merrett: Okay guys, just what the hell is going on here? I demand to see Petyr! I have the gold, like you asked for.
He pulls out the bag and jiggles it, so they can hear the coin.
Lem: Well dismount and come and see him. He’s this way.
Merrett reluctantly does so. They walk away from the ruins of Oldstones and into the woods.
Lem: Here you go! Say hi to Petyr!
And indeed Petyr Pimple is there. Hanging from a tree. Dead.
Merrett: WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU SAID—
Suddenly, the outlaws grab Merrett and tie him up. They throw a rope around his neck.
Merrett: NO! NO! YOU PROMISED! STOP! YOU’D NEVER DARE HANG A FREY!!!
The outlaws all look at each other and start laughing. They then point at Petyr.
Merrett: Oh yeah, I can see now how that statement is super stupid. You literally just hung a Frey. I am sort of super embarrassed for even saying it. Anyway… *ahem*… YOU SAID IF I BROUGHT THE GOLD I WOULD GET HIM BACK! I BROUGHT THE GOLD! DON’T… DON’T KILL ME! I’M WORTH TWICE AS MUCH GOLD AS PETYR! IF YOU RANSOM ME, I’LL BE WORTH TWICE AS MUCH!
Tom: Hahaha, that’s silly. Walder Frey sends you off with gold to pay a ransom and we kidnap and ransom you too? No way would he fall for that trick a second time in a row.
Lem: But you know what? Maybe I won’t hang you in exchange for you answering a single question.
Merrett: Yes! Yes! Anything! Please! I’ll answer it!
Lem: Was there a dog named Sandor Clegane at the Red Wedding? With a skinny girl or boy of about ten?
Merrett: Huh? What? Clegane? No… I mean… I don’t know. Maybe at one of the camps. But not at the feast, no.
Tom: Oh, really? Cool. Thanks!
Tom continues to string him up for hanging.
Merrett: STOP! STOP! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T HANG ME!
Tom: No. I didn’t promise. That guy promised.
Lem: Correct. And I am not hanging you, as promised. But Tom is.
Merrett: PLEASE! STOP! NO! WE HAD TO! ROBB STARK SHAMED US AND DISHONORED US! WE HAD TO RESTORE OUR HONOR! YOU CAN’T JUST MURDER ME!
Tom: Hrm. Don’t know much about honor. But murder, yeah?
Merrett: STOP! STOP! I didn’t have anything to do with the Red Wedding! It was my father, sure! But not me! You can’t prove I did anything!
Lem: Good point. We can’t. If only we had some sort of witness who was there and could say whether you were or not. Oh wait… we do!
Merrett: Huh?
Suddenly, out of the woods emerges a cloaked woman. She pulls her hood odd to reveal her dead face and the giant gash on her neck.
Merrett: Ohh…. Oh SHIT! CAT FUCKING STARK?!
Lady Stoneheart: *nods*
Lem: Oh, and she goes by “Lady Stoneheart” now. It’s sort of a thing. You know. What with Beric giving up his magic immortality juice and giving it to her. So Beric is gone now. You won't see him again.
Merrett: OH MY GOD! THIS IS… IS… IS… MUCH BETTER THAN THE SHOW!
Lem: Yeah, most fans agree. She can’t say that though. What with you filthy Freys cutting her vocal cords out. Hey Lady Stoneheart… was this one there at the Wedding?
Lady Stoneheart: *thumbs up*
Merrett: FUCK! I said to Raymund, "Hey... maybe cut her thumbs off too in case she comes back as a speechless zombie to give a thumbs up or thumbs down as to whether certain Freys were culpable in her death." But did he listen? NO! Of course not! Fucking Raymund!
Tom: Well, bye! *cuts rope*
Merrett: NO, WAIT! I—*CHOKE*
And he dies. Nobody at all feels bad about this because he's a Frey.
Boy, that was a rough fucking book, huh? Jeor Mormont. Balon Greyjoy. Robb. Cat. Grey Wind. Ygritte. Joffrey. The Red Viper. Shae. Tywin Lannister. Lysa Arryn. And that's the super short version of the list.
The end.
Merrett: Ugh. Snow already in the Riverlands? This is a bad sign. This is going to be a long, cold winter, I bet. I really don't want to have to live through a long, cold winter!
Don't worry. You won't.
Merrett: Huh? Did someone say something? Hrm... no... of course not. I'm just hungover and it was probably the wind.
Merrett is bitter about the task assigned to him. Petyr “Pimple” Frey, one of his stupid-ass cousins or something (not even the Freys can keep track of who is a cousin versus nephew, etc.), went and got himself kidnapped. Yep, that Beric Dondarrian asshole has been raiding Frey military parties all across the Riverlands ever since the Red Wedding
Merrett knows he’s better than all this crap work and doing BS like rescuing his cousin. He used to be a great knight! But due to a head injury… now everyone just thought he was a useless drunk. In fact, the only thing he was assigned to do at the Red Wedding was to get drunk with the Greatjon and make sure he was taken out. But he couldn’t even do that right, since the Greatjon attacked a bunch of people before he was taken down.
Merrett: I’ll show them all though! Once I get Petyr Pimple back from these outlaws… they’ll show me the respect I deserve!
He arrives at the ruins of Oldstones, where the bandits had sent the note telling him to be. There, he finds an outlaw playing a harp.
Tom O Sevens: Hey there.
Merrett: Who the hell are you guys?
Tom: Dude, I’m offended. I played at your daughter Amerei's wedding. That’s rough, man.
Merrett: I don’t care who you are.
Tom: Are you sure you don't remember me? Huh? Because we've totally met before. You remember which of your daughters is Amerei, right? The slutty one. They call her "Gatehouse" because everyone goes in and out of her, all day.
Merrett: HEY! SHUT UP! I’m here to meet Beric!
Lem Lemoncloak: Oh yeah. That’s me. I’m Beric.
Merrett: No you’re not! The bolded part before your line of dialogue clearly indicates that your name is “Lem.”
Other Guy: I’m Beric!
Fourth Guy: I’m Beric!
Fifth Guy: I’m Spartacus! Uhh… I mean, “Beric!”
Merrett: Okay guys, just what the hell is going on here? I demand to see Petyr! I have the gold, like you asked for.
He pulls out the bag and jiggles it, so they can hear the coin.
Lem: Well dismount and come and see him. He’s this way.
Merrett reluctantly does so. They walk away from the ruins of Oldstones and into the woods.
Lem: Here you go! Say hi to Petyr!
And indeed Petyr Pimple is there. Hanging from a tree. Dead.
Merrett: WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU SAID—
Suddenly, the outlaws grab Merrett and tie him up. They throw a rope around his neck.
Merrett: NO! NO! YOU PROMISED! STOP! YOU’D NEVER DARE HANG A FREY!!!
The outlaws all look at each other and start laughing. They then point at Petyr.
Merrett: Oh yeah, I can see now how that statement is super stupid. You literally just hung a Frey. I am sort of super embarrassed for even saying it. Anyway… *ahem*… YOU SAID IF I BROUGHT THE GOLD I WOULD GET HIM BACK! I BROUGHT THE GOLD! DON’T… DON’T KILL ME! I’M WORTH TWICE AS MUCH GOLD AS PETYR! IF YOU RANSOM ME, I’LL BE WORTH TWICE AS MUCH!
Tom: Hahaha, that’s silly. Walder Frey sends you off with gold to pay a ransom and we kidnap and ransom you too? No way would he fall for that trick a second time in a row.
Lem: But you know what? Maybe I won’t hang you in exchange for you answering a single question.
Merrett: Yes! Yes! Anything! Please! I’ll answer it!
Lem: Was there a dog named Sandor Clegane at the Red Wedding? With a skinny girl or boy of about ten?
Merrett: Huh? What? Clegane? No… I mean… I don’t know. Maybe at one of the camps. But not at the feast, no.
Tom: Oh, really? Cool. Thanks!
Tom continues to string him up for hanging.
Merrett: STOP! STOP! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T HANG ME!
Tom: No. I didn’t promise. That guy promised.
Lem: Correct. And I am not hanging you, as promised. But Tom is.
Merrett: PLEASE! STOP! NO! WE HAD TO! ROBB STARK SHAMED US AND DISHONORED US! WE HAD TO RESTORE OUR HONOR! YOU CAN’T JUST MURDER ME!
Tom: Hrm. Don’t know much about honor. But murder, yeah?
Merrett: STOP! STOP! I didn’t have anything to do with the Red Wedding! It was my father, sure! But not me! You can’t prove I did anything!
Lem: Good point. We can’t. If only we had some sort of witness who was there and could say whether you were or not. Oh wait… we do!
Merrett: Huh?
Suddenly, out of the woods emerges a cloaked woman. She pulls her hood odd to reveal her dead face and the giant gash on her neck.
Merrett: Ohh…. Oh SHIT! CAT FUCKING STARK?!
Lady Stoneheart: *nods*
Lem: Oh, and she goes by “Lady Stoneheart” now. It’s sort of a thing. You know. What with Beric giving up his magic immortality juice and giving it to her. So Beric is gone now. You won't see him again.
Merrett: OH MY GOD! THIS IS… IS… IS… MUCH BETTER THAN THE SHOW!
Lem: Yeah, most fans agree. She can’t say that though. What with you filthy Freys cutting her vocal cords out. Hey Lady Stoneheart… was this one there at the Wedding?
Lady Stoneheart: *thumbs up*
Merrett: FUCK! I said to Raymund, "Hey... maybe cut her thumbs off too in case she comes back as a speechless zombie to give a thumbs up or thumbs down as to whether certain Freys were culpable in her death." But did he listen? NO! Of course not! Fucking Raymund!
Tom: Well, bye! *cuts rope*
Merrett: NO, WAIT! I—*CHOKE*
And he dies. Nobody at all feels bad about this because he's a Frey.
Boy, that was a rough fucking book, huh? Jeor Mormont. Balon Greyjoy. Robb. Cat. Grey Wind. Ygritte. Joffrey. The Red Viper. Shae. Tywin Lannister. Lysa Arryn. And that's the super short version of the list.
The end.
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