The Hound and Arya are traveling the countyside and stuff.
Hound: Hey look, an inn! I want to go inside. Inns have alcohol, and I like that.
Arya: Are you sure that’s a good idea? You're already super drunk from that booze that you got earlier. Plus in this book series, bad things usually happen in inns. Like confrontations between warring factions and stuff.
Hound: No. It's not a good idea. But I’m a giant dude and skilled fighter. So, you know… what’s the worst that can happen?
They go inside and Arya immediately recognized the Tickler and Polliver. They are with some crappy squire.
Arya: HOLY SHIT! TWO PEOPLE ON MY KILL LIST!
Squire: HEY LOOK! That dude has a burnt face! Is that Joffrey’s pet Hound? You know… The Mountain’s brother? The coward who ran away from Kings Landing?
All the locals in the bar recognize that some shit is about to start. They quietly pick up their things and leave.
Polliver: Holy crap, it IS the Hound!
Hound: Yeah. So? Hey, aren’t you those assholes that hang out with my asshole brother?
Polliver: Indeed. But he’s gone off to Kings Landing now. Hey – speaking of King’s Landing… did you hear that Joffrey is dead?
Hound: Meh. Who cares?
Arya: WHAT?! But I WANTED TO KILL HIM!
Arya thinks she should be happier that he is dead. She KNOWS she should be happier. But she really, really, really hoped to do it herself. All slow and painful. Some real torture. The kind of sick shit that the Tickler would be really in to.
Polliver: Yeah, it was the Imp and his whore wife, that Stark girl, who did it.
Arya: Huh? His wife? Are they talking about Sansha? Marrying Tyrion?! That doesn’t make any sense at all. She only likes pretty things.
Polliver: Yeah. The Stark girl fled though. So now she’s missing. But Tyrion is in jail and is sentenced to death.
Hound: Hahaha, that’s pretty hilarious. Sansa shit on the Imp’s head and then left. Sweet. Of course they’ll probably catch her. That girl is dumb as a brick.
Arya: It’s true.
Polliver: Yeah, they’ll find her just like they found her sister.
Arya: Say what now?!
Polliver: You know, that dumb “Arya” girl. She’s been found and is heading off to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard child.
The Hound turns and looks at Arya. Then he starts laughing uncontrollably.
Arya: I am so confused.
Tickler: So Hound… are you planning on going to your brother?
Hound: Bugger that! And bugger you two.
Suddenly, a table is thrown over. Polliver and Tickler attack. The squire attempts to join in the battle too, but…
Arya: *THWACK*
Arya slams a wine goblet right in the squire’s face.
Squire: UNGH!!! YOU BNOKE MY NODE!
The Hound counter-attacks the two, but isn’t doing that well. After all, he is totally shitfaced drunk. The two swing their weapons at the Hound, and one of the slices cuts deep.
Hound: AGHH!
Arya: Oh no! He’s about to lose! Quick… I must… uhh…
She grabs the dagger that she was given before, and throws it at the Tickler. But it only grazes him.
Tickler: OW! You bitch! Why I oughtta…
Arya: You what? Punk! Just watch me---UNGH!
Suddenly, Arya is grabbed from behind by the squire.
Squire: Hey look! I got her! I got her! Aren’t I talented and skilled?
Arya: Not really.
Arya looks down as the boy holds her and notices that he has a dagger in his belt. She easily twists her arms out of his grasp and grabs the blade. She stabs him.
Squire: AGGHH!!! I’m… I’m… stabbed!...
Ayra: Quite observant. That’s not the first time I did that to an annoying boy. Or the second. Or the third. I’m pretty much a tween serial killer.
He falls to the floor, bleeding.
Polliver and the Tickler get The Hound in a corner.
Polliver: Yield!
Hound: Uhh… no.
He takes a swing with his sword and cuts Polliver’s head half-way off.
Polliver: *says nothing because his head is swinging off of his neck*
Tickler: Oh SNAP!
The Ticker begins to back away slowly.
Right into Arya.
*STAB*
Ticker: AGHH!!!! What the?
Arya: Hey, you probably don’t remember me, but I was in that village… remember? Back when you took everyone one at a time and tortured and murdered them? You were trying to get info from innocent village people about Beric. Yet nobody knew anything. You killed them all anyway. What was it said? Oh right… Is there gold hidden in the village? *STAB* Silver, gems? *STAB*STAB* Is there food? *STAB* Where is Lord Beric? *STAB* Which of you village folk helped him? *STAB*STAB*STAB* Where did he go? *STAB* How many men did he have with him? *STAB* How many knights? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB* How many bowmen? *STAB* How many were horsed? *STAB* How are they armed? *STAB* How many wounded? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*
The Hound comes up to Arya and pulls her off as she keeps stabbing.
Hound: Okay, okay. That’s enough. I SAID THAT’S ENOUGH. He looks like a sack of cherry jello mixed with bones now. That was some sick, sick shit you just did. He looks like those autopsy photos of the dead hookers that Jack the Ripper eviscerated.
Arya: Thanks!
Hound: I didn’t necessarily mean it as a complement.
Arya: Well, our work here is done!
Squire: No! No it’s not! I’m still here! And I’m bleeding! HELP! Please! I’m so sorry!
Hound: Ugh. Look at that. You went and stabbed that boy in the gut. Now he’s going to die slowly.
Arya: No he’s not. Because I remember one additional thing about Polliver!
Hound: What’s that?
Arya goes over to the near-decapitated Polliver and brings her hand down to his belt, where he has a second sword sheath. She pulls the sword out.
It’s NEEDLE!!!!!!!
Arya: I missed you so much, my old friend!
She walks over to the boy.
Squire: Hey! I’m innocent! I’m just a squire! I was just travelling with those guys! I didn’t—
*STAB*
Arya then licks the boy’s blood off the sword and it makes her shiver some sort of weird, erotic shiver of pleasure.
Hound: You are all sorts of sick in the head, girl. Anyway, we can’t stay here now. Not with this bloodbath. We need to head to the Saltpans and take a ship to the Vale. There I can sell you to your Aunt or whatever.
And so they mount their horses and leave. But the Hound is clearly struggling up on his horse.
Arya: Hey, that wound you got back there in the battle… it looks pretty bad. You sure we don’t need to stop and treat that or something?
Hound: Shut up. I’ll be fine.
He almost falls of his horse several more times before they reach the Trident River that night.
Arya: Geez. How many more times am I going to meet up with this river?
They make camp for the night, and the Hound has Arya pour some boiling hot wine over his wounds.
Arya: You know, cauterizing it with FIRE would be a lot easier.
Hound: You shut your mouth with that “fire” bullshit.
*SSSSSSSTTTT*
Hound: AGHH!!!!!!
The Hound passes out. Arya tries to fix him up. But then again, she’s a little girl and all she knows is how to kill people. Not how to make them better.
As the Hound sleeps, Arya goes over her list again.
Arya: Let’s see, let’s see. Oh goodie! I get to cross off more people! *ahem*Joffrey Baratheon, Chiswyck, Gregor Clegane, Dunsen, Queen Cersei, Amory Lorch, Ilyn Payne, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler, Meryn Trant, and Weese. Hrm.
Arya then remembers something.
Arya: Wait a second. I didn’t include The Hound on my list this time. Was that some mistake? Why did I leave him off? Do I not want to kill him anymore? After all… I literally just helped to disinfect his wound and patch him up. But he killed Mycah. Why am I not just murdering him in his sleep? Hrm.
She goes on to think about more stuff. Like what her dad used to say.
The next morning, the Hound wakes and they get to traveling again. But they barely go half a day before, exhausted, the Hound stops and falls off of his horse. He’s sweating profusely and grabbing at his painful wounds.
Arya: Oh bish, you gonna die.
Hound: Shut up and get me some water.
Arya: Okay.
Arya goes off and gets him some water. She comes back with the water, but also with Needle drawn.
Hound: Ah, I see how it is.
Arya looks down. She didn’t even realize she pulled it out.
Hound: Well, get on with it then. DO IT ALREADY!
Arya: I… uhm…
Hound: GO ON! You remember what I did to that butcher’s boy! You’ve reminded me about it like 46 times on our trip! I KILLED HIM! Now do it!
Arya: …
Hound: And your sister… I never told you… but that night in the castle… I planned to fuck her bloody.
Arya: Hahaha, she would have deserved it. I hate her. But also... gross.
Hound: Wow, not the answer I was expected. I’m not sure why. Anyway… do me like you did that squire boy! A real wolf should finish off a wounded dog!
Arya sheaths Needle.
Arya: Nah. You don’t deserve the gift of mercy. You should have helped me save my mother. Die slow.
She gets up on her horse and rides away.
The Hound: Well fuck. I guess I’ll just die then. Or maybe come back as some sort of Gravedigger. I guess we’ll see!
Six days later, Arya comes to a small town.
Arya: Is this the Saltpans? I don’t even know. There is a port here though.
She realizes she’ll have to sell her horse and everything in order to pay for passage on a ship out of here. She makes a deal with some woman who totally cheats her. Arya knows she’s being cheated… but what the hell can she do about it?
She walks up with the few coins she has to a ship Captain. But she doesn’t want to go to the frickin’ Vale to see her stupid aunt like Clegane wanted. Oh no… she has another idea…
Arya: Hey there, can you take me to Eastwatch? I want to go to see my brother, Jon.
The Captain: Uhm. We’re not going near Eastwatch. The North has nothing but ice and wars and pirates.
Arya: Well, those two things sound really cool. Anyway, I have money! See?
She shows her what she got for the horse – a few copper coins, some pocket lint, and a Bazooka Joe wrapper.
Arya: Haha, Joe asked Mort what was wrong, and Mort said that he had a dream about eating a marshmallow. But when he woke up, his pillow was gone! Classic Bazooka Joe!
Captain: That’s not near enough money, dumb girl. And even if it were… we’re going to Braavos.
Arya: Wait… what? Did you say “Braavos?”
Captain: Yes. It’s where we’re from.
Arya: Wait a sec… wait… I… uhm… where is that?!…
She digs through her pockets and finds her other coin. The one Jaqen H’ghar gave her.
She pulls it out and puts it in the palm of the Captain.
Arya: Valar morghulis.
Captain: OH SHIT! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place? I… uhh… I mean, “Valar dohaeris.” Now com, gurl. We’ll have a cabin for you.
Arya: With cable TV?
Captain: Fuck you, now you’re asking for a bit too much. Get your squirrely lil’ ass on board. We’re goin’ to Braavos.
Hound: Hey look, an inn! I want to go inside. Inns have alcohol, and I like that.
Arya: Are you sure that’s a good idea? You're already super drunk from that booze that you got earlier. Plus in this book series, bad things usually happen in inns. Like confrontations between warring factions and stuff.
Hound: No. It's not a good idea. But I’m a giant dude and skilled fighter. So, you know… what’s the worst that can happen?
They go inside and Arya immediately recognized the Tickler and Polliver. They are with some crappy squire.
Arya: HOLY SHIT! TWO PEOPLE ON MY KILL LIST!
Squire: HEY LOOK! That dude has a burnt face! Is that Joffrey’s pet Hound? You know… The Mountain’s brother? The coward who ran away from Kings Landing?
All the locals in the bar recognize that some shit is about to start. They quietly pick up their things and leave.
Polliver: Holy crap, it IS the Hound!
Hound: Yeah. So? Hey, aren’t you those assholes that hang out with my asshole brother?
Polliver: Indeed. But he’s gone off to Kings Landing now. Hey – speaking of King’s Landing… did you hear that Joffrey is dead?
Hound: Meh. Who cares?
Arya: WHAT?! But I WANTED TO KILL HIM!
Arya thinks she should be happier that he is dead. She KNOWS she should be happier. But she really, really, really hoped to do it herself. All slow and painful. Some real torture. The kind of sick shit that the Tickler would be really in to.
Polliver: Yeah, it was the Imp and his whore wife, that Stark girl, who did it.
Arya: Huh? His wife? Are they talking about Sansha? Marrying Tyrion?! That doesn’t make any sense at all. She only likes pretty things.
Polliver: Yeah. The Stark girl fled though. So now she’s missing. But Tyrion is in jail and is sentenced to death.
Hound: Hahaha, that’s pretty hilarious. Sansa shit on the Imp’s head and then left. Sweet. Of course they’ll probably catch her. That girl is dumb as a brick.
Arya: It’s true.
Polliver: Yeah, they’ll find her just like they found her sister.
Arya: Say what now?!
Polliver: You know, that dumb “Arya” girl. She’s been found and is heading off to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard child.
The Hound turns and looks at Arya. Then he starts laughing uncontrollably.
Arya: I am so confused.
Tickler: So Hound… are you planning on going to your brother?
Hound: Bugger that! And bugger you two.
Suddenly, a table is thrown over. Polliver and Tickler attack. The squire attempts to join in the battle too, but…
Arya: *THWACK*
Arya slams a wine goblet right in the squire’s face.
Squire: UNGH!!! YOU BNOKE MY NODE!
The Hound counter-attacks the two, but isn’t doing that well. After all, he is totally shitfaced drunk. The two swing their weapons at the Hound, and one of the slices cuts deep.
Hound: AGHH!
Arya: Oh no! He’s about to lose! Quick… I must… uhh…
She grabs the dagger that she was given before, and throws it at the Tickler. But it only grazes him.
Tickler: OW! You bitch! Why I oughtta…
Arya: You what? Punk! Just watch me---UNGH!
Suddenly, Arya is grabbed from behind by the squire.
Squire: Hey look! I got her! I got her! Aren’t I talented and skilled?
Arya: Not really.
Arya looks down as the boy holds her and notices that he has a dagger in his belt. She easily twists her arms out of his grasp and grabs the blade. She stabs him.
Squire: AGGHH!!! I’m… I’m… stabbed!...
Ayra: Quite observant. That’s not the first time I did that to an annoying boy. Or the second. Or the third. I’m pretty much a tween serial killer.
He falls to the floor, bleeding.
Polliver and the Tickler get The Hound in a corner.
Polliver: Yield!
Hound: Uhh… no.
He takes a swing with his sword and cuts Polliver’s head half-way off.
Polliver: *says nothing because his head is swinging off of his neck*
Tickler: Oh SNAP!
The Ticker begins to back away slowly.
Right into Arya.
*STAB*
Ticker: AGHH!!!! What the?
Arya: Hey, you probably don’t remember me, but I was in that village… remember? Back when you took everyone one at a time and tortured and murdered them? You were trying to get info from innocent village people about Beric. Yet nobody knew anything. You killed them all anyway. What was it said? Oh right… Is there gold hidden in the village? *STAB* Silver, gems? *STAB*STAB* Is there food? *STAB* Where is Lord Beric? *STAB* Which of you village folk helped him? *STAB*STAB*STAB* Where did he go? *STAB* How many men did he have with him? *STAB* How many knights? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB* How many bowmen? *STAB* How many were horsed? *STAB* How are they armed? *STAB* How many wounded? *STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*
The Hound comes up to Arya and pulls her off as she keeps stabbing.
Hound: Okay, okay. That’s enough. I SAID THAT’S ENOUGH. He looks like a sack of cherry jello mixed with bones now. That was some sick, sick shit you just did. He looks like those autopsy photos of the dead hookers that Jack the Ripper eviscerated.
Arya: Thanks!
Hound: I didn’t necessarily mean it as a complement.
Arya: Well, our work here is done!
Squire: No! No it’s not! I’m still here! And I’m bleeding! HELP! Please! I’m so sorry!
Hound: Ugh. Look at that. You went and stabbed that boy in the gut. Now he’s going to die slowly.
Arya: No he’s not. Because I remember one additional thing about Polliver!
Hound: What’s that?
Arya goes over to the near-decapitated Polliver and brings her hand down to his belt, where he has a second sword sheath. She pulls the sword out.
It’s NEEDLE!!!!!!!
Arya: I missed you so much, my old friend!
She walks over to the boy.
Squire: Hey! I’m innocent! I’m just a squire! I was just travelling with those guys! I didn’t—
*STAB*
Arya then licks the boy’s blood off the sword and it makes her shiver some sort of weird, erotic shiver of pleasure.
Hound: You are all sorts of sick in the head, girl. Anyway, we can’t stay here now. Not with this bloodbath. We need to head to the Saltpans and take a ship to the Vale. There I can sell you to your Aunt or whatever.
And so they mount their horses and leave. But the Hound is clearly struggling up on his horse.
Arya: Hey, that wound you got back there in the battle… it looks pretty bad. You sure we don’t need to stop and treat that or something?
Hound: Shut up. I’ll be fine.
He almost falls of his horse several more times before they reach the Trident River that night.
Arya: Geez. How many more times am I going to meet up with this river?
They make camp for the night, and the Hound has Arya pour some boiling hot wine over his wounds.
Arya: You know, cauterizing it with FIRE would be a lot easier.
Hound: You shut your mouth with that “fire” bullshit.
*SSSSSSSTTTT*
Hound: AGHH!!!!!!
The Hound passes out. Arya tries to fix him up. But then again, she’s a little girl and all she knows is how to kill people. Not how to make them better.
As the Hound sleeps, Arya goes over her list again.
Arya: Let’s see, let’s see. Oh goodie! I get to cross off more people! *ahem*
Arya then remembers something.
Arya: Wait a second. I didn’t include The Hound on my list this time. Was that some mistake? Why did I leave him off? Do I not want to kill him anymore? After all… I literally just helped to disinfect his wound and patch him up. But he killed Mycah. Why am I not just murdering him in his sleep? Hrm.
She goes on to think about more stuff. Like what her dad used to say.
Ned: The lone wolf dies while the pack survives. Or some bullshit like that. Maybe it was “Don’t turn your back on the wolfpac. You might wind up in a body bag.”
Arya: No, fictional fantasy vision of my dead dad. That’s not what you said. That’s what the nWo: Wolfpac song said. Also, it’s dumb because “pac” and “bag” don’t rhyme, and yet it was being used in a song as if it rhymed.
The next morning, the Hound wakes and they get to traveling again. But they barely go half a day before, exhausted, the Hound stops and falls off of his horse. He’s sweating profusely and grabbing at his painful wounds.
Arya: Oh bish, you gonna die.
Hound: Shut up and get me some water.
Arya: Okay.
Arya goes off and gets him some water. She comes back with the water, but also with Needle drawn.
Hound: Ah, I see how it is.
Arya looks down. She didn’t even realize she pulled it out.
Hound: Well, get on with it then. DO IT ALREADY!
Arya: I… uhm…
Hound: GO ON! You remember what I did to that butcher’s boy! You’ve reminded me about it like 46 times on our trip! I KILLED HIM! Now do it!
Arya: …
Hound: And your sister… I never told you… but that night in the castle… I planned to fuck her bloody.
Arya: Hahaha, she would have deserved it. I hate her. But also... gross.
Hound: Wow, not the answer I was expected. I’m not sure why. Anyway… do me like you did that squire boy! A real wolf should finish off a wounded dog!
Arya sheaths Needle.
Arya: Nah. You don’t deserve the gift of mercy. You should have helped me save my mother. Die slow.
She gets up on her horse and rides away.
The Hound: Well fuck. I guess I’ll just die then. Or maybe come back as some sort of Gravedigger. I guess we’ll see!
Six days later, Arya comes to a small town.
Arya: Is this the Saltpans? I don’t even know. There is a port here though.
She realizes she’ll have to sell her horse and everything in order to pay for passage on a ship out of here. She makes a deal with some woman who totally cheats her. Arya knows she’s being cheated… but what the hell can she do about it?
She walks up with the few coins she has to a ship Captain. But she doesn’t want to go to the frickin’ Vale to see her stupid aunt like Clegane wanted. Oh no… she has another idea…
Arya: Hey there, can you take me to Eastwatch? I want to go to see my brother, Jon.
The Captain: Uhm. We’re not going near Eastwatch. The North has nothing but ice and wars and pirates.
Arya: Well, those two things sound really cool. Anyway, I have money! See?
She shows her what she got for the horse – a few copper coins, some pocket lint, and a Bazooka Joe wrapper.
Arya: Haha, Joe asked Mort what was wrong, and Mort said that he had a dream about eating a marshmallow. But when he woke up, his pillow was gone! Classic Bazooka Joe!
Captain: That’s not near enough money, dumb girl. And even if it were… we’re going to Braavos.
Arya: Wait… what? Did you say “Braavos?”
Captain: Yes. It’s where we’re from.
Arya: Wait a sec… wait… I… uhm… where is that?!…
She digs through her pockets and finds her other coin. The one Jaqen H’ghar gave her.
She pulls it out and puts it in the palm of the Captain.
Arya: Valar morghulis.
Captain: OH SHIT! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place? I… uhh… I mean, “Valar dohaeris.” Now com, gurl. We’ll have a cabin for you.
Arya: With cable TV?
Captain: Fuck you, now you’re asking for a bit too much. Get your squirrely lil’ ass on board. We’re goin’ to Braavos.
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