Jon is sparring with a recruit in the courtyard when Melisandre walks up.
Mel: Hey sexy. I hear you like redheads. So you wanna fuck my brains out or what?
Jon: Well, that was rather direct. I’ve never met you before. Generally when you meet someone new for the first time, you begin with a “hello.”
Mel: Oh, I’ve seen you before. In my dreams. Tell me… are you exhausted?
Jon: What? Exhausted? No. Why?
Mel: Because you’ve been RUNNING IN MY HEAD all night.
Jon: Oh. Yikes. That’s a bad pickup line.
Mel: I lost my number. Can I have yours?
Jon: No. That one is awful too.
Mel: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
Jon: Slightly better, but I’m not feeling it.
Mel: If I told you that you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?
Jon: Ye-… I mean N-… damnit. That’s a trick question, isn’t it?
Mel: Seriously though. Stannis wants to see you.
Jon: What does he want?
Mel: Everything you have to give. Which is, coincidentally, also what I want from you. Now come with me.
Jon: Wait… C-O-M-E or C-U-M with you?
Mel: *sigh* The former.
Jon: You’re SURE that I’m going to Stannis and you’re not just going to take me to your kinky, goth girl sex dungeon, right?
Mel: Shut up. You’re going to see Stannis. Don’t give me ideas though if you’re not willing to go through with them.
Oh, Jon thinks Mel is hot. There is no doubt about that. But what does he know about this crazy witch woman? For all he knows she could be some sort of ugly, hundred-year-old witch that only looks cute because that magical talisman around her neck or some shit. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Also, there is something about keeping his vows that he thinks he needs to follow, especially because a bunch of people who are already accusing him of being a traitor.
Anyway, he follows her up the cage to the top of the Wall, where Stannis is waiting.
In the cage, he notices that she even smells like fire. And she’s barely wearing anything even though it’s freezing.
Jon: Girl, you smell like BBQ. And do you need a jacket?
Mel: The Lord’s fire lives within me. I am never cold.
Jon: Whatevs.
They reach the king himself. Well, one of them.
Stannis: Ah, Lord Snow I see. I have heard much about you.
Jon: Well, the whole “Lord Snow” thing is sort of a mocking insult. So, you know, I don’t really like to be addressed that way. And don’t believe every story you heard about me. Especially if it comes from assholes like Slynt.
Stannis: Oh, I knew Slynt back in King’s Landing. So I know he’s an untrustworthy douche. I also knew your father, and I knew he was an honorable and honest man. They say it is you that found the dragonglass daggers that this Tarly fellow used to slay the Other. They say it is you that held the gate at Castle Black, defending it until my army arrived.
Jon: Yep. True and true. Well, Donal Noye had the gate, really. Until he died.
Stannis: Yes, Noye would have made a good Lord Commander. Too bad he’s dead and we’re left with the rest of these assholes.
Jon: Well, Cotter Pyke and Ser Mallister seem like good enough dudes. Mormont trusted them.
Stannis: Mormont trusted a lot of people he shouldn’t have trusted and it got him his ass dead, didn’t it?
Jon: Too soon.
Stannis: They say you also found that magical horn thing and captured Mance Rayder’s child.
Jon: Well, “captured” is a bit strong of a word. His wife was giving birth and she died. I didn’t do much else. Hey… quick question… right before that happened I watched an eagle in the air suddenly burst into flames for no reason. Did Fire Woman over here have anything to do with that?
But before Stannis can answer himself…
Mel: The Lord of Light has fiery talons, Jon Snow!
Jon: You don’t need to use my full name every time you talk to me. It’s sort of creepy. So, are you trying to say you did it?
Mel: Yeppers.
Jon: Oh, and also your Grace, since you bring up that baby… Val asked if Mance could see his son before you… ya know… set him on fire and watched him burn alive.
Stannis: Why should I do this honor for some deserter of the Night’s Watch?
Jon: Well, the Free Folk have their own type of weird honor system. It’s not like Mance or Tormund or anyone like that are terrible guys. It’s more like they’re just… libertarians or something.
Stannis: And Rattleshirt?
Jon: Nah, fuck that guy. You can set him on fire if you want. My point is, those guys aren’t the real enemy. They just wanted to cross the Wall to escape the Others.
Stannis: Yes. I also used to think another war was the war I need to win. But my true fight is here. Against them.
Mel: The Others! They are led by the God of Night and Terror!
Stannis: Jon, you had a brother named Robb who defied me and claimed to be a king of his own. What he should have done is bent the knee and remained Lord of Winterfell. In order to keep the peace here, we need a Lord of Winterfell. One that is loyal to me.
Jon: Uhh… I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at here. I mean, I can kind of guess… but… you know, it’s not like it matters. There is no Winterfell. Theon Greyjoy destroyed it. And my father has no more legitimate sons left. That was also Theon's doing. Well, and the Freys.
Stannis: Winterfell can be rebuilt and bastards can be made legitimate… by kings! You know, like me. Hint! Hint!
Jon: I… uhh… wow! I mean… I took a vow to the Night’s Watch. To hold no lands. To father no children.
Mel: You made vows to a fucking stupid tree. The gods of the North are no real gods. Only R’hllor, Lord of Light!
Jon: Way to win me over, lady. Make fun of my religion right to my face.
Jon feels guilty. He used to fantasize about becoming lord of Winterfell as a kid. Now could it be coming true?
Stannis: I have been talking to this Mance Rayder that you respect so much. I agree with his plans to let the Wildlings through. I wish for them to settle here in the North and ally with us against our common foe, the Others. Rayder himself must be executed though, for his treasons and for naming himself a king when only I am. The Wildling Princess though… she will live.
Jon: You mean Val? She's not exactly a princess. Unless having a nice ass makes you a princess. In which case, yeah.
Stannis: Yes. And she must marry you, the Lord of Winterfell, to ensure a Wildling-Stark alliance.
Jon: Hahaha, she’s kind of hot if blondes are your thing. But… you know… I doubt she’d agree to that. These Free Folk gals don’t roll that way.
Mel: Plus Jon probably likes redheads more anyway. *winks*
Jon: Errrrmm…
Stannis throws a hand on Jon’s shoulder.
Stannis: Say nothing of what we’ve discussed here today to anyone else. But when you return… all you have to do is say the words… pledge fealty to me and I will name you Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell!
Mel: Hey sexy. I hear you like redheads. So you wanna fuck my brains out or what?
Jon: Well, that was rather direct. I’ve never met you before. Generally when you meet someone new for the first time, you begin with a “hello.”
Mel: Oh, I’ve seen you before. In my dreams. Tell me… are you exhausted?
Jon: What? Exhausted? No. Why?
Mel: Because you’ve been RUNNING IN MY HEAD all night.
Jon: Oh. Yikes. That’s a bad pickup line.
Mel: I lost my number. Can I have yours?
Jon: No. That one is awful too.
Mel: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
Jon: Slightly better, but I’m not feeling it.
Mel: If I told you that you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?
Jon: Ye-… I mean N-… damnit. That’s a trick question, isn’t it?
Mel: Seriously though. Stannis wants to see you.
Jon: What does he want?
Mel: Everything you have to give. Which is, coincidentally, also what I want from you. Now come with me.
Jon: Wait… C-O-M-E or C-U-M with you?
Mel: *sigh* The former.
Jon: You’re SURE that I’m going to Stannis and you’re not just going to take me to your kinky, goth girl sex dungeon, right?
Mel: Shut up. You’re going to see Stannis. Don’t give me ideas though if you’re not willing to go through with them.
Oh, Jon thinks Mel is hot. There is no doubt about that. But what does he know about this crazy witch woman? For all he knows she could be some sort of ugly, hundred-year-old witch that only looks cute because that magical talisman around her neck or some shit. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Also, there is something about keeping his vows that he thinks he needs to follow, especially because a bunch of people who are already accusing him of being a traitor.
Anyway, he follows her up the cage to the top of the Wall, where Stannis is waiting.
In the cage, he notices that she even smells like fire. And she’s barely wearing anything even though it’s freezing.
Jon: Girl, you smell like BBQ. And do you need a jacket?
Mel: The Lord’s fire lives within me. I am never cold.
Jon: Whatevs.
They reach the king himself. Well, one of them.
Stannis: Ah, Lord Snow I see. I have heard much about you.
Jon: Well, the whole “Lord Snow” thing is sort of a mocking insult. So, you know, I don’t really like to be addressed that way. And don’t believe every story you heard about me. Especially if it comes from assholes like Slynt.
Stannis: Oh, I knew Slynt back in King’s Landing. So I know he’s an untrustworthy douche. I also knew your father, and I knew he was an honorable and honest man. They say it is you that found the dragonglass daggers that this Tarly fellow used to slay the Other. They say it is you that held the gate at Castle Black, defending it until my army arrived.
Jon: Yep. True and true. Well, Donal Noye had the gate, really. Until he died.
Stannis: Yes, Noye would have made a good Lord Commander. Too bad he’s dead and we’re left with the rest of these assholes.
Jon: Well, Cotter Pyke and Ser Mallister seem like good enough dudes. Mormont trusted them.
Stannis: Mormont trusted a lot of people he shouldn’t have trusted and it got him his ass dead, didn’t it?
Jon: Too soon.
Stannis: They say you also found that magical horn thing and captured Mance Rayder’s child.
Jon: Well, “captured” is a bit strong of a word. His wife was giving birth and she died. I didn’t do much else. Hey… quick question… right before that happened I watched an eagle in the air suddenly burst into flames for no reason. Did Fire Woman over here have anything to do with that?
But before Stannis can answer himself…
Mel: The Lord of Light has fiery talons, Jon Snow!
Jon: You don’t need to use my full name every time you talk to me. It’s sort of creepy. So, are you trying to say you did it?
Mel: Yeppers.
Jon: Oh, and also your Grace, since you bring up that baby… Val asked if Mance could see his son before you… ya know… set him on fire and watched him burn alive.
Stannis: Why should I do this honor for some deserter of the Night’s Watch?
Jon: Well, the Free Folk have their own type of weird honor system. It’s not like Mance or Tormund or anyone like that are terrible guys. It’s more like they’re just… libertarians or something.
Stannis: And Rattleshirt?
Jon: Nah, fuck that guy. You can set him on fire if you want. My point is, those guys aren’t the real enemy. They just wanted to cross the Wall to escape the Others.
Stannis: Yes. I also used to think another war was the war I need to win. But my true fight is here. Against them.
Mel: The Others! They are led by the God of Night and Terror!
Stannis: Jon, you had a brother named Robb who defied me and claimed to be a king of his own. What he should have done is bent the knee and remained Lord of Winterfell. In order to keep the peace here, we need a Lord of Winterfell. One that is loyal to me.
Jon: Uhh… I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at here. I mean, I can kind of guess… but… you know, it’s not like it matters. There is no Winterfell. Theon Greyjoy destroyed it. And my father has no more legitimate sons left. That was also Theon's doing. Well, and the Freys.
Stannis: Winterfell can be rebuilt and bastards can be made legitimate… by kings! You know, like me. Hint! Hint!
Jon: I… uhh… wow! I mean… I took a vow to the Night’s Watch. To hold no lands. To father no children.
Mel: You made vows to a fucking stupid tree. The gods of the North are no real gods. Only R’hllor, Lord of Light!
Jon: Way to win me over, lady. Make fun of my religion right to my face.
Jon feels guilty. He used to fantasize about becoming lord of Winterfell as a kid. Now could it be coming true?
Stannis: I have been talking to this Mance Rayder that you respect so much. I agree with his plans to let the Wildlings through. I wish for them to settle here in the North and ally with us against our common foe, the Others. Rayder himself must be executed though, for his treasons and for naming himself a king when only I am. The Wildling Princess though… she will live.
Jon: You mean Val? She's not exactly a princess. Unless having a nice ass makes you a princess. In which case, yeah.
Stannis: Yes. And she must marry you, the Lord of Winterfell, to ensure a Wildling-Stark alliance.
Jon: Hahaha, she’s kind of hot if blondes are your thing. But… you know… I doubt she’d agree to that. These Free Folk gals don’t roll that way.
Mel: Plus Jon probably likes redheads more anyway. *winks*
Jon: Errrrmm…
Stannis throws a hand on Jon’s shoulder.
Stannis: Say nothing of what we’ve discussed here today to anyone else. But when you return… all you have to do is say the words… pledge fealty to me and I will name you Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell!
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