Pycelle kneels before Cersei.
Master Pycelle: I did everything I could, but Lord Gyles has died.
Cersei: Moron.
Pycelle: I did all I could!
Cersei: I bet you killed him on purpose, didn’t you? You’re conspiring with Margaery! Everyone knows the Tyrells wanted Gyles dead so that Mace Tyrell could take over as the new Lord Treasurer. Besides, we all know you’ve been hanging out with Margaery.
Pycelle: It’s not true!
Cersei: Really? Because these photos say you’re lying.
Cersei throws a bunch of photos at him. They’re a bunch of black and white photos. Really artsy. They show Pycelle creeping around and visiting the other queen.
Pycelle: WHAT?! Did you have some sort of Film Noir private eye follow me around and take pictures.
A man in a trench coat and fedora jacket walks out of the shadows.
Pretty Much Just Philip Marlowe: You bet she did, bub. Now spill the beans.
He then drinks a bunch of Old Forester bourbon out of a bottle in a paper bag and immediately gets knocked out by his enemies. That’s generally what happens in most Philip Marlowe stories.
Pycelle: I can explain, Cersei! I can explain! I wasn’t plotting with her! I swear!
Cersei: Really? Then what were you doing with her?
Pycelle: I… I… I can’t tell you! Doctor-Patient Confidentiality laws!
Cersei: Oh, fair enough. I’ll have to respect that.
Pycelle: Really?
Cersei: NO, JUST KIDDING. I’LL DRAG YOU TO THE CELLARS AND HAVE QYBURN DESTROY YOU.
Pycelle: MOON TEA! IT WAS MOON TEA, Cersei! I was giving Margaery some moon tea.
Cersei: Whaaaaaa? You mean the stuff that sexually active drink to induce abortions?
Pycelle: That’s right.
Cersei: Well, how perfect since I’m trying to frame her for cheating on my son and being sexually active! Maybe it’s actually true!
Pycelle: Possibly. That would be super convenient. She could also just be asking for it for one of her sexually active friends. In the end, Margaery is a fairly minor, non-POV character in the books. Not a major role with a notable actress playing her, like in the show. So it’s not really explained that well.
Cersei: BE GONE! All of Gyles weath and possessions now go to the crown.
Taena: Oh wow, Margaery could only want moon tea for one reason. But is that enough evidence for Mace Tyrell to allow his daughter to be executed?
Cersei: No. We will need more.
Taena: What about Margaery’s young cousins? Maybe they will know more about it.
Cersei: Right. Or I can TORTURE them into knowing more. Which is even better because that’s probably where Joffrey got it from. Let’s have dinner with your husband tonight, Taena.
And so they meet again for dinner, but now with Lord Orton Merriweather. At dinner, a singer named the “Blue Bard” plays. He’s apparently Margaery’s favorite singer.
Cersei: So, Orton. It’s terrible what happened to Lord Gyles.
Orton: Indeed, indeed. He will be missed. But his coughing will not. I suppose you will need a new Lord Treasurer and Master of Coin then.
Cersei: I will. And I’d like to ask Ser Harys Swyft to take on that role.
Orton: But Ser Harys is already the Hand of the King.
Cersei: He is. But… you know… he’s totally cool and everything. But a bit over his head, don’t you think? My son Tommen reall needs someone a little better, smarter, more talented, and cool to guide him as the Hand. Someone like… oh… maybe you, Lord Orton.
Orton: Cersei… I… I don’t know what to say! You give me a great honor! Of course I would be willing to become the Hand of the King, if your grace so desires it.
Cersei: Oh, I do. You can be Hand of the King and I will also have your unbending loyalty and willingness to blindly go along with whatever I want.
Orton: Yeah. Say no more. Deal.
Cersei: Oh, and that “unbending loyalty” thing starts by you supporting me on things like this. *ahem*… MUSICIAN!
Blue Bard: Yes, Cersei? Do you have a song request?
Cersei: No. But I do want to do this.
She grabs his lute and smashes it into his face.
Orton: WTF?!
Cersei: WHEN DID YOU START SLEEPING WITH MARGAERY TYRELL?!
Blue Bard: What? What… what are you talking about?!
Cersei: OH, I’LL HAVE THE TRUTH FROM YOU. LIAR! TO THE BLACK CELLS AND QYBURN FOR YOU!
For a while, Blue Bard sticks to his story. That story being “the truth.” But after a bit of torture from Qyburn, with Cersei watching…
Blue Bard: Whatever… whatever you want me to say. I confess to it!
Cersei: Tell me you slept with Margaery.
Blue Bard: I did!
Cersei: Tell me you saw Margaery sleep with other men too. Tons of them. That she likes to have giant sex orgies with all sorts of dudes. Get into some real nasty stuff. Scat play and everything.
Blue Bard: Yes! Yes! Margaery is totally into that and bangs guys all the time. I’ve seen it with my own eyes! PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN STOP.
Cersei: Really? Guys like who? You need to back the story up with some examples.
Blue Bard: Uhhmm… err… Tallard the Tall? Lambert Turnberry? Jalabhar Xho? The Redwyne twins? Osney Kettleblack? Hugh Clifton? The Knight of Flowers? Who do you want me to say? I’ll say it! JUST END THE PAIN!
Cersei: Yes, yes. Good. Gooooood. But you’re only supposed to name my enemies. I need the Redwyne twins to be on my side.
Blue Bard: Oh. Right. Sorry. I mis-remembered. They weren’t there at all. My bad. You’re right/
Cersei: And Loras? Well… I bet Margaery and her brother did have hot, nasty incest sex. Gross. Brother and sister having sexual relations? Why… I can’t even think of that…
Blue Bard: Why are you touching yourself now then?
Cersei: SHUT UP! The point is, the people love Ser Loras and need their hero. Especially since he’s dying anyway. So yeah, those two probably had sex. But they were super discreet about it. They made sure that nobody else saw. So you wouldn’t even know about it.
Blue Bard: CORRECT! Loras Tyrell? That’s crazy talk! Loras and Margaery never did any sex stuff together. I mean, not that I saw. If they did, they kept that super private.
Cersei: Perfect! Well, it seems like another perfect example of how interrogation works and leads to the truth!
CIA Director Gina Haspel: Exactly. Good work, as usual.
Qyburn: Didn’t you already get killed in this blog?
Cersei: This is DISGUSTING. DISGUSTING stuff that Margaery has done. I feel like I need to bathe myself. Teana?
Teana: Yes?
Cersei: Come with me and scrub me down.
Queue a lesbian scene. As the two bathe with each other, Cersei decides that some of Margaery’s handmaids also need to be given the Blue Bard treatment to “correct” their memories of what happened. Cersei goes to sleep that night again, and once more dreams of Maggy the Frog’s prophecies and of Tyrion coming back as a giant to kill her.
At breakfast the next morning…
Tommen: Oh, hey mom! My wife has gone to fast and purify herself for Maiden’s Day.
Cersei: MWAHAHAHA. I mean “great, honey.”
After, she meets with Osney Kettleblack.
Cersei: Okay, so here is the deal, Osney.
Osney: You’ll make love to me?
Cersei: No. Shut up. Remember how I was getting you to woo Margaery? Well, I need you to go to the High Septon and confess that you had sex with her.
Osney: Well, I didn’t. She wouldn’t sleep with me. I tried, but it actually seems like she doesn’t want to be arrested and executed for treason against the king. Go figure.
Cersei: Yeah… who cares if you didn’t? I need you to tell the High Septon that you did.
Osney: So you want me to lie to the head of the church?
Cersei: Yes.
Osney: That sounds like the kind of thing that people go to hell for.
Cersei: Oh please, I’ve done much, much worse stuff than that and I don’t feel bad at all.
Osney: Still though. You want me to confess to the High Septon that I slept with the queen. I’d feel a lot better about that if I did actually… you know… sleep with the queen.
Cersei: Well you said that Margaery wouldn’t… oh… ah… I see… you mean me.
Osney: Yep. Right now. And leave your crown on. I like you with the crown on.
Cersei: *sigh* The things I do to protect Tommen. Okay, cowboy. Go to town.
As Osney has sex with her...
Cersei: MWAHAHAHA! THERE IS NO WAY THIS PLAN CAN FAIL!
Osney: Margaery can refuse to ask for a trial by combat. Margaery can ask for a trial by combat by someone other than Boros. Margaery could see through your paper-thin plot and realise you are behind this. Someone who has been tortured to tell a story can tell a different story when they're tortured by someone else. All the unreliable people you've been counting on and who you barely know can sell you out. Someone could--
Cersei: --NO. WAY. I. CAN. FAIL!
Master Pycelle: I did everything I could, but Lord Gyles has died.
Cersei: Moron.
Pycelle: I did all I could!
Cersei: I bet you killed him on purpose, didn’t you? You’re conspiring with Margaery! Everyone knows the Tyrells wanted Gyles dead so that Mace Tyrell could take over as the new Lord Treasurer. Besides, we all know you’ve been hanging out with Margaery.
Pycelle: It’s not true!
Cersei: Really? Because these photos say you’re lying.
Cersei throws a bunch of photos at him. They’re a bunch of black and white photos. Really artsy. They show Pycelle creeping around and visiting the other queen.
Pycelle: WHAT?! Did you have some sort of Film Noir private eye follow me around and take pictures.
A man in a trench coat and fedora jacket walks out of the shadows.
Pretty Much Just Philip Marlowe: You bet she did, bub. Now spill the beans.
He then drinks a bunch of Old Forester bourbon out of a bottle in a paper bag and immediately gets knocked out by his enemies. That’s generally what happens in most Philip Marlowe stories.
Pycelle: I can explain, Cersei! I can explain! I wasn’t plotting with her! I swear!
Cersei: Really? Then what were you doing with her?
Pycelle: I… I… I can’t tell you! Doctor-Patient Confidentiality laws!
Cersei: Oh, fair enough. I’ll have to respect that.
Pycelle: Really?
Cersei: NO, JUST KIDDING. I’LL DRAG YOU TO THE CELLARS AND HAVE QYBURN DESTROY YOU.
Pycelle: MOON TEA! IT WAS MOON TEA, Cersei! I was giving Margaery some moon tea.
Cersei: Whaaaaaa? You mean the stuff that sexually active drink to induce abortions?
Pycelle: That’s right.
Cersei: Well, how perfect since I’m trying to frame her for cheating on my son and being sexually active! Maybe it’s actually true!
Pycelle: Possibly. That would be super convenient. She could also just be asking for it for one of her sexually active friends. In the end, Margaery is a fairly minor, non-POV character in the books. Not a major role with a notable actress playing her, like in the show. So it’s not really explained that well.
Cersei: BE GONE! All of Gyles weath and possessions now go to the crown.
Taena: Oh wow, Margaery could only want moon tea for one reason. But is that enough evidence for Mace Tyrell to allow his daughter to be executed?
Cersei: No. We will need more.
Taena: What about Margaery’s young cousins? Maybe they will know more about it.
Cersei: Right. Or I can TORTURE them into knowing more. Which is even better because that’s probably where Joffrey got it from. Let’s have dinner with your husband tonight, Taena.
And so they meet again for dinner, but now with Lord Orton Merriweather. At dinner, a singer named the “Blue Bard” plays. He’s apparently Margaery’s favorite singer.
Cersei: So, Orton. It’s terrible what happened to Lord Gyles.
Orton: Indeed, indeed. He will be missed. But his coughing will not. I suppose you will need a new Lord Treasurer and Master of Coin then.
Cersei: I will. And I’d like to ask Ser Harys Swyft to take on that role.
Orton: But Ser Harys is already the Hand of the King.
Cersei: He is. But… you know… he’s totally cool and everything. But a bit over his head, don’t you think? My son Tommen reall needs someone a little better, smarter, more talented, and cool to guide him as the Hand. Someone like… oh… maybe you, Lord Orton.
Orton: Cersei… I… I don’t know what to say! You give me a great honor! Of course I would be willing to become the Hand of the King, if your grace so desires it.
Cersei: Oh, I do. You can be Hand of the King and I will also have your unbending loyalty and willingness to blindly go along with whatever I want.
Orton: Yeah. Say no more. Deal.
Cersei: Oh, and that “unbending loyalty” thing starts by you supporting me on things like this. *ahem*… MUSICIAN!
Blue Bard: Yes, Cersei? Do you have a song request?
Cersei: No. But I do want to do this.
She grabs his lute and smashes it into his face.
Orton: WTF?!
Cersei: WHEN DID YOU START SLEEPING WITH MARGAERY TYRELL?!
Blue Bard: What? What… what are you talking about?!
Cersei: OH, I’LL HAVE THE TRUTH FROM YOU. LIAR! TO THE BLACK CELLS AND QYBURN FOR YOU!
For a while, Blue Bard sticks to his story. That story being “the truth.” But after a bit of torture from Qyburn, with Cersei watching…
Blue Bard: Whatever… whatever you want me to say. I confess to it!
Cersei: Tell me you slept with Margaery.
Blue Bard: I did!
Cersei: Tell me you saw Margaery sleep with other men too. Tons of them. That she likes to have giant sex orgies with all sorts of dudes. Get into some real nasty stuff. Scat play and everything.
Blue Bard: Yes! Yes! Margaery is totally into that and bangs guys all the time. I’ve seen it with my own eyes! PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN STOP.
Cersei: Really? Guys like who? You need to back the story up with some examples.
Blue Bard: Uhhmm… err… Tallard the Tall? Lambert Turnberry? Jalabhar Xho? The Redwyne twins? Osney Kettleblack? Hugh Clifton? The Knight of Flowers? Who do you want me to say? I’ll say it! JUST END THE PAIN!
Cersei: Yes, yes. Good. Gooooood. But you’re only supposed to name my enemies. I need the Redwyne twins to be on my side.
Blue Bard: Oh. Right. Sorry. I mis-remembered. They weren’t there at all. My bad. You’re right/
Cersei: And Loras? Well… I bet Margaery and her brother did have hot, nasty incest sex. Gross. Brother and sister having sexual relations? Why… I can’t even think of that…
Blue Bard: Why are you touching yourself now then?
Cersei: SHUT UP! The point is, the people love Ser Loras and need their hero. Especially since he’s dying anyway. So yeah, those two probably had sex. But they were super discreet about it. They made sure that nobody else saw. So you wouldn’t even know about it.
Blue Bard: CORRECT! Loras Tyrell? That’s crazy talk! Loras and Margaery never did any sex stuff together. I mean, not that I saw. If they did, they kept that super private.
Cersei: Perfect! Well, it seems like another perfect example of how interrogation works and leads to the truth!
CIA Director Gina Haspel: Exactly. Good work, as usual.
Qyburn: Didn’t you already get killed in this blog?
Cersei: This is DISGUSTING. DISGUSTING stuff that Margaery has done. I feel like I need to bathe myself. Teana?
Teana: Yes?
Cersei: Come with me and scrub me down.
Queue a lesbian scene. As the two bathe with each other, Cersei decides that some of Margaery’s handmaids also need to be given the Blue Bard treatment to “correct” their memories of what happened. Cersei goes to sleep that night again, and once more dreams of Maggy the Frog’s prophecies and of Tyrion coming back as a giant to kill her.
At breakfast the next morning…
Tommen: Oh, hey mom! My wife has gone to fast and purify herself for Maiden’s Day.
Cersei: MWAHAHAHA. I mean “great, honey.”
After, she meets with Osney Kettleblack.
Cersei: Okay, so here is the deal, Osney.
Osney: You’ll make love to me?
Cersei: No. Shut up. Remember how I was getting you to woo Margaery? Well, I need you to go to the High Septon and confess that you had sex with her.
Osney: Well, I didn’t. She wouldn’t sleep with me. I tried, but it actually seems like she doesn’t want to be arrested and executed for treason against the king. Go figure.
Cersei: Yeah… who cares if you didn’t? I need you to tell the High Septon that you did.
Osney: So you want me to lie to the head of the church?
Cersei: Yes.
Osney: That sounds like the kind of thing that people go to hell for.
Cersei: Oh please, I’ve done much, much worse stuff than that and I don’t feel bad at all.
Osney: Still though. You want me to confess to the High Septon that I slept with the queen. I’d feel a lot better about that if I did actually… you know… sleep with the queen.
Cersei: Well you said that Margaery wouldn’t… oh… ah… I see… you mean me.
Osney: Yep. Right now. And leave your crown on. I like you with the crown on.
Cersei: *sigh* The things I do to protect Tommen. Okay, cowboy. Go to town.
As Osney has sex with her...
Cersei: MWAHAHAHA! THERE IS NO WAY THIS PLAN CAN FAIL!
Osney: Margaery can refuse to ask for a trial by combat. Margaery can ask for a trial by combat by someone other than Boros. Margaery could see through your paper-thin plot and realise you are behind this. Someone who has been tortured to tell a story can tell a different story when they're tortured by someone else. All the unreliable people you've been counting on and who you barely know can sell you out. Someone could--
Cersei: --NO. WAY. I. CAN. FAIL!
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