Brienne, Pod, Septon Meribald, Dog, and Hyle Hunt are walking through the countryside and see dozens and dozens of hanging bodies along the trees.
Dog: Woof?
Pod: It looks like the crows have eaten their eyes, while the wolves have jumped up and feasted on their legs.
Everyone stops and looks at Pod. They then turn to see Pee-Wee Herman, Chairry, Cowboy Curtis, and all the rest of the Playhouse Gang on the side of the road, hiding behind some bushes.
Dog: Woof.
Brienne: Not quite, guys! He ALMOST said it. But he didn’t. You’re going to have to wait.
Hyle: Anyway, tese appear to me the men that raided the Saltpans. Criminals. Murders. Good riddance to them.
Brienne: I’d usually agree to that, but the fact that they are hanging means that Beric Dondarrion’s men are near.
They arrive at the ruins of the Saltpans and knock on the gate.
Gatekeeper: What’s the secret word?
Septon Meribald: Why, I think it’s “A Feast For Cr—”
Brienne jumps in the way and muffles his mouth.
Brienne: DO. NOT. SAY. IT. Or any of the other ones. You know the ones. No GOT. No ASOIAF. Say none of them!!!
Meribald: But if we don’t say the magic word, they won’t let us in.
Gatekeeper: That’s right. NOW BUGGER OFF!
And so they turn away from the Saltpans, looking for somewhere else to rest for the night. There, they find an old inn.
Brienne: What is the name of this inn?
Meribald: Ah, for it has had many names over the years. In the olden times, they used to call it—
Brienne: —Yeah, I didn’t ask for that. I asked for what it’s called now.
Meribald: I think this is just the “Inn at the Crossroads.”
Brienne: Oh wow. This is a really important inn in the books, I guess. Cat stopped here and reflected on how the old lady with the nasty teeth who ran it used to give her treats as a girl. It’s where Tyrion was found by her and arrested. Arya stopped by here and we learned that the old lady with the nasty teeth had been murdered. This is, like, really an important place. And you know what, I think it’s pretty symbolic that they call it the “Inn at the Crossroads,” because I really am at a crossroads now. Four directions to go after I leave this inn. Do I go East to the Vale to see if Sansa is hiding there where her Aunt Lysa used to be? Should I—
Hyle: Hey, that east option sounds pretty good. Maybe we should go that way. I bet Sansa is there at the Vale.
Brienne: SHHH! I’m doing a soliloquy now. *ahem* Should I go West and search for her at Riverrun, where she might be hiding with the Blackfish? Should I go North and see if she has tried to return to Winterfell? Or should I do what everyone else has been telling me… go SOUTH and return home to my father and abandon this quest? Everyone keeps telling me things like I’ll be raped and killed on this road if I stay on this mission. They tell me that maybe I’ll have part of my face eaten off by a crazy guy on bath salts, or that a woman who I’m dearly devoted to but I think is deceased will turn out to be undead and try to hang me. But I shouldn’t believe that! Should I?
Everyone stands there and waits for her to be done.
She is.
Hyle: Okay, so we can go to the inn now?
Brienne: Yes.
They do.
There, they find the place completely overwhelmed with orphan children. Oh, and also bloody stains on the floor.
Brienne: Hrm. These are all ugly, raggid-looking children. Maybe one of them is Arya Stark. They say she is not comely like her sister.
Orphan Girl: From what I hear about Arya Stark, she’s more likely to have been responsible for those bloody stains on the floor over there than it’s likely she’d be living her as an orphan.
And yes, she was. Partly.
*BANG*BANG*BANG*
Brienne: Hey! Is that a forge I hear nearby? COOL! I love forges! Let’s check it out!
She runs over to the forge and sees..
Brienne: OMG! RENLY!
Gendry: Uhmm… what?
Brienne: Wait… no… you look A LOT like Renly, but you’re not quite him. But you look A LOT like him. Tell me, are you from King’s Landing? Who was your father?
Gendry: Bitch, I don’t even know you. Why would I answer these sort of questions for a random stranger? You know, you should all get going. It’s dangerous in these parts.
Brienne: But this is an inn. Inns are where people stay.
Meribald: The boy has a point. Masha Heddle used to run this place and she was murdered for no particular reason.
Hyle: What? Why? I never it was so dangerous to be an innkeeper.
Merbald: What is dangerous is being born as smallfolk, when these lords play their game of thrones. They…
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Brienne: Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back behind the forge and into the woods.
Brienne: Damnit, Meribald. We tried to warn you not to do that.
Meribald: *sigh* Sorry.
Dog: Woof.
Willow: Hi, I’m Willow!
Brienne: Like the short one from the Warwick Davis film? Or like the lesbian from Buffy?
Willow: Neither. I’m the girl you thought I was Arya earlier. But I’m not. One of the orphan girls. But I’m kind of in charge here. So you wanna stay, huh?
Brienne: Yes. And have dinner.
Willow: Okay. So do you all have some payment?
Brienne: Sure.
She hands them over 20 convenient storytelling bucks, which is just enough for food and beds.
And so they go into the inn. When Brienne and Pod are alone…
Brienne: *pssst* We need to abandon these two. Let the Septon go on preaching, and let Hyle do his own thing. He is not part of this oath that was sworn to Cat and Jaime.
Pod: Sure, I guess we can—
Hyle: --OH HEY GUYS! What are you talking about?
Brienne: Uhm. Nothing. Mind your own business.
Hyle: Come on, Brienne! Stop being such a pain in my butt. What you should do is marry me!
Brienne: Uhh… say what now? Why would I want to marry one of the a-holes that used to torment and mock me back in Renly’s camp? You just know that I am the only child of the Lord of Tarth, and that marrying me may make you the Lord of Tarth one day. Get lost.
Hyle: Boooo. Quit being such an icebox. What you need is to be deflowered by me. Then I bet you’ll see things differently!
Brienne: If you try to stick that pink thing anywhere near me, you will leave here a eunuch.
Willow: Okay everyone! Dinner time now.
They all gather around the dinner table.
Septon Meribald: Okay, mind if I say grace?
Everyone Else: No.
Gendry: YES! *grumble*grumble*
Gendry storms out of the room and leaves.
Brienne: What crawled up his butt and died?
Willow: Oh, he’s not a big fan of the seven gods. He thinks they caused all that war. He’s a follower of the Red God.
Brienne: But he didn’t even eat any food. Look at the poor boy! He’s starving.
Willow: *shrugs*
Brienne grabs some food and leaves the table, to go check on Gendry.
Brienne: Hey, Renl-uhh… Gendry! Come on, man! It’s all good.
Gendry: Leave me alone.
Brienne: No. I have something really, really important to tell you. I think I know who your father is! It’s… it’s…
And then suddenly, a bunch of riders come riding forward, swinging weapons and screaming.
Brienne: *GASP* IT’S THE HOUND! No wait. That doesn’t make sense. Everyone knows the Hound is dead and/or a gravedigger, possibly. Wait. Do I recognize that person! OH CRAP! It’s RORGE!
Gendry: WHAT?! RORGE? SHIT! AND BITER TOO? Those are those guys that Arya let out of the cage two books ago.
That’s right. Rorge and Biter have arrived. Remember those two lovable miscreants? Originally from the black cells under Kings landing, and brought by Yoren in the cage with Jaqen H'ghar. Arya stupidly freed them. Then they joined the murderous Brave Companions under Vargo Hoat. Then Jaqen sort of bullied them into changing sides, and helping to free the Northmen and bring Harrenhal under Bolton control. That’s when they found and captured Jaime and Brienne the first time.
But it looks like since then, the nose-less Rorge has found the Hound’s abandoned helm, and ran through the countryside murdering people. All the tales of the Hound murdering were really done by Rorge. So you can thank Arya for all of that. Because she could have let them burn.
Rorge: OH HELL! Look, it’s the big lesbian! I’ll kill and rape you like I promised before. In that order.
Brienne: Really? Rape? I doubt that. Because Shagwell told me they cut off your manhood at the same time they cut off your nose.
Rorge’s Posse: OOOOHHHHH! SNAP!
If Brienne wanted to get Rorge riled up, then he succeeded. Rorge pulls out his sword and starts to fight her.
I mean she wins, obviously.
*STAB*
Rorge: OW! Hey! Really? That’s all the narration and explanation this fight is going to get? I mean, this is a pretty awesome fight. Maybe my death should be described in more detail.
No.
As Rorge looks down, seeing the blood running from his stomach, Brienne twists the sword and comes close to his ear. She whispers.
Brienne: Sapphires.
Rorge: Heh, I see what you did there. A nice call back joke. That’s a good o-- *dies*
Biter: NOOO!!!!!!!
Brienne: Wait. “Nooo?” I thought you couldn’t talk.
Biter: Oh, uh… I mean… “SNARL!!!!!”
Brienne: The Dinobot?
Biter jumps on Brienne and does what his name implies that he does. Bite.
Brienne: AGH!!! AGHH!!! AGHHH! HELP! THIS CRAZY GUY IS HANNIBAL-ING ME!
And indeed, Biter tears onto Brienne’s cheek and tears her flesh off, slicing open a nasty wound.
Brienne: Oh… Ugh… I think I’m going to faint… I… I…
The last thing she sees before she passes out is a spear coming through Biter’s mouth.
Gendry: You’re welcome.
Dog: Woof?
Pod: It looks like the crows have eaten their eyes, while the wolves have jumped up and feasted on their legs.
Everyone stops and looks at Pod. They then turn to see Pee-Wee Herman, Chairry, Cowboy Curtis, and all the rest of the Playhouse Gang on the side of the road, hiding behind some bushes.
Dog: Woof.
Brienne: Not quite, guys! He ALMOST said it. But he didn’t. You’re going to have to wait.
Hyle: Anyway, tese appear to me the men that raided the Saltpans. Criminals. Murders. Good riddance to them.
Brienne: I’d usually agree to that, but the fact that they are hanging means that Beric Dondarrion’s men are near.
They arrive at the ruins of the Saltpans and knock on the gate.
Gatekeeper: What’s the secret word?
Septon Meribald: Why, I think it’s “A Feast For Cr—”
Brienne jumps in the way and muffles his mouth.
Brienne: DO. NOT. SAY. IT. Or any of the other ones. You know the ones. No GOT. No ASOIAF. Say none of them!!!
Meribald: But if we don’t say the magic word, they won’t let us in.
Gatekeeper: That’s right. NOW BUGGER OFF!
And so they turn away from the Saltpans, looking for somewhere else to rest for the night. There, they find an old inn.
Brienne: What is the name of this inn?
Meribald: Ah, for it has had many names over the years. In the olden times, they used to call it—
Brienne: —Yeah, I didn’t ask for that. I asked for what it’s called now.
Meribald: I think this is just the “Inn at the Crossroads.”
Brienne: Oh wow. This is a really important inn in the books, I guess. Cat stopped here and reflected on how the old lady with the nasty teeth who ran it used to give her treats as a girl. It’s where Tyrion was found by her and arrested. Arya stopped by here and we learned that the old lady with the nasty teeth had been murdered. This is, like, really an important place. And you know what, I think it’s pretty symbolic that they call it the “Inn at the Crossroads,” because I really am at a crossroads now. Four directions to go after I leave this inn. Do I go East to the Vale to see if Sansa is hiding there where her Aunt Lysa used to be? Should I—
Hyle: Hey, that east option sounds pretty good. Maybe we should go that way. I bet Sansa is there at the Vale.
Brienne: SHHH! I’m doing a soliloquy now. *ahem* Should I go West and search for her at Riverrun, where she might be hiding with the Blackfish? Should I go North and see if she has tried to return to Winterfell? Or should I do what everyone else has been telling me… go SOUTH and return home to my father and abandon this quest? Everyone keeps telling me things like I’ll be raped and killed on this road if I stay on this mission. They tell me that maybe I’ll have part of my face eaten off by a crazy guy on bath salts, or that a woman who I’m dearly devoted to but I think is deceased will turn out to be undead and try to hang me. But I shouldn’t believe that! Should I?
Everyone stands there and waits for her to be done.
She is.
Hyle: Okay, so we can go to the inn now?
Brienne: Yes.
They do.
There, they find the place completely overwhelmed with orphan children. Oh, and also bloody stains on the floor.
Brienne: Hrm. These are all ugly, raggid-looking children. Maybe one of them is Arya Stark. They say she is not comely like her sister.
Orphan Girl: From what I hear about Arya Stark, she’s more likely to have been responsible for those bloody stains on the floor over there than it’s likely she’d be living her as an orphan.
And yes, she was. Partly.
*BANG*BANG*BANG*
Brienne: Hey! Is that a forge I hear nearby? COOL! I love forges! Let’s check it out!
She runs over to the forge and sees..
Brienne: OMG! RENLY!
Gendry: Uhmm… what?
Brienne: Wait… no… you look A LOT like Renly, but you’re not quite him. But you look A LOT like him. Tell me, are you from King’s Landing? Who was your father?
Gendry: Bitch, I don’t even know you. Why would I answer these sort of questions for a random stranger? You know, you should all get going. It’s dangerous in these parts.
Brienne: But this is an inn. Inns are where people stay.
Meribald: The boy has a point. Masha Heddle used to run this place and she was murdered for no particular reason.
Hyle: What? Why? I never it was so dangerous to be an innkeeper.
Merbald: What is dangerous is being born as smallfolk, when these lords play their game of thrones. They…
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Brienne: Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back behind the forge and into the woods.
Brienne: Damnit, Meribald. We tried to warn you not to do that.
Meribald: *sigh* Sorry.
Dog: Woof.
Willow: Hi, I’m Willow!
Brienne: Like the short one from the Warwick Davis film? Or like the lesbian from Buffy?
Willow: Neither. I’m the girl you thought I was Arya earlier. But I’m not. One of the orphan girls. But I’m kind of in charge here. So you wanna stay, huh?
Brienne: Yes. And have dinner.
Willow: Okay. So do you all have some payment?
Brienne: Sure.
She hands them over 20 convenient storytelling bucks, which is just enough for food and beds.
And so they go into the inn. When Brienne and Pod are alone…
Brienne: *pssst* We need to abandon these two. Let the Septon go on preaching, and let Hyle do his own thing. He is not part of this oath that was sworn to Cat and Jaime.
Pod: Sure, I guess we can—
Hyle: --OH HEY GUYS! What are you talking about?
Brienne: Uhm. Nothing. Mind your own business.
Hyle: Come on, Brienne! Stop being such a pain in my butt. What you should do is marry me!
Brienne: Uhh… say what now? Why would I want to marry one of the a-holes that used to torment and mock me back in Renly’s camp? You just know that I am the only child of the Lord of Tarth, and that marrying me may make you the Lord of Tarth one day. Get lost.
Hyle: Boooo. Quit being such an icebox. What you need is to be deflowered by me. Then I bet you’ll see things differently!
Brienne: If you try to stick that pink thing anywhere near me, you will leave here a eunuch.
Willow: Okay everyone! Dinner time now.
They all gather around the dinner table.
Septon Meribald: Okay, mind if I say grace?
Everyone Else: No.
Gendry: YES! *grumble*grumble*
Gendry storms out of the room and leaves.
Brienne: What crawled up his butt and died?
Willow: Oh, he’s not a big fan of the seven gods. He thinks they caused all that war. He’s a follower of the Red God.
Brienne: But he didn’t even eat any food. Look at the poor boy! He’s starving.
Willow: *shrugs*
Brienne grabs some food and leaves the table, to go check on Gendry.
Brienne: Hey, Renl-uhh… Gendry! Come on, man! It’s all good.
Gendry: Leave me alone.
Brienne: No. I have something really, really important to tell you. I think I know who your father is! It’s… it’s…
And then suddenly, a bunch of riders come riding forward, swinging weapons and screaming.
Brienne: *GASP* IT’S THE HOUND! No wait. That doesn’t make sense. Everyone knows the Hound is dead and/or a gravedigger, possibly. Wait. Do I recognize that person! OH CRAP! It’s RORGE!
Gendry: WHAT?! RORGE? SHIT! AND BITER TOO? Those are those guys that Arya let out of the cage two books ago.
That’s right. Rorge and Biter have arrived. Remember those two lovable miscreants? Originally from the black cells under Kings landing, and brought by Yoren in the cage with Jaqen H'ghar. Arya stupidly freed them. Then they joined the murderous Brave Companions under Vargo Hoat. Then Jaqen sort of bullied them into changing sides, and helping to free the Northmen and bring Harrenhal under Bolton control. That’s when they found and captured Jaime and Brienne the first time.
But it looks like since then, the nose-less Rorge has found the Hound’s abandoned helm, and ran through the countryside murdering people. All the tales of the Hound murdering were really done by Rorge. So you can thank Arya for all of that. Because she could have let them burn.
Rorge: OH HELL! Look, it’s the big lesbian! I’ll kill and rape you like I promised before. In that order.
Brienne: Really? Rape? I doubt that. Because Shagwell told me they cut off your manhood at the same time they cut off your nose.
Rorge’s Posse: OOOOHHHHH! SNAP!
If Brienne wanted to get Rorge riled up, then he succeeded. Rorge pulls out his sword and starts to fight her.
I mean she wins, obviously.
*STAB*
Rorge: OW! Hey! Really? That’s all the narration and explanation this fight is going to get? I mean, this is a pretty awesome fight. Maybe my death should be described in more detail.
No.
As Rorge looks down, seeing the blood running from his stomach, Brienne twists the sword and comes close to his ear. She whispers.
Brienne: Sapphires.
Rorge: Heh, I see what you did there. A nice call back joke. That’s a good o-- *dies*
Biter: NOOO!!!!!!!
Brienne: Wait. “Nooo?” I thought you couldn’t talk.
Biter: Oh, uh… I mean… “SNARL!!!!!”
Brienne: The Dinobot?
Biter jumps on Brienne and does what his name implies that he does. Bite.
Brienne: AGH!!! AGHH!!! AGHHH! HELP! THIS CRAZY GUY IS HANNIBAL-ING ME!
And indeed, Biter tears onto Brienne’s cheek and tears her flesh off, slicing open a nasty wound.
Brienne: Oh… Ugh… I think I’m going to faint… I… I…
The last thing she sees before she passes out is a spear coming through Biter’s mouth.
Gendry: You’re welcome.
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