Sam is deep under Castle Black, and suddenly comes to the realization that he’s been reading books for over a day without ever coming up.
Sam: Wow, I’m like one of those Korean guys that dies at a video game center.
He is.
Sam: Maester Aemon told me to find a bunch of old books, which I did. But I got so excited to read! I’ve been down here forever!
Realizing that he should leave now because he has the books Aemon told him to get, he goes up to get some air and… you know… probably food. Because he’s a fatass.
Dolorous Edd: Oh, there you are! The Lord Commander wants to see you!
Pyp: Yeah, that Lord Commander being Jon Snow.
Grenn: I’m here too. Just to remind everyone.
Pyp: Yes. I died in the TV show during the Siege of Castle Black. Ygritte kills me. Then, later, you can see my corpse with all the bodies after Stannis arrives and we burn them all. But that’s not the case with the books.
Grenn: The same for me. In the TV show, I’m slain defending Castle Black in the raid. I’m essentially given the same role that Donal Noye is given in the books – defending the gate as the giant Mag the Mighty attacks, and me and Mag killing each other. But that’s Noye here. So I’m still alive!
Pyp: But neither of us really do anything else that interesting. Now we’re all bitter and angry and Jon Snow for being too busy to hang out with us now that he’s Lord Commander.
Sam: Okay, thanks for that narrative catch-up.
Sam goes to meet Jon, but on the way there he runs into Gilly. Literally, all the old books that he found for Aemon fall over the floor and some of the ancient texts with irreplaceable knowledge are ruined forever. Oh well.
Sam: *sucks in gut* Hey girl.
Gilly: Haha, you don’t have to do that. You rescued me after living an entire life of being raped by my father. The massive amounts of abuse I went through pretty much guaranteed me to favorably imprint on the next man other than my dad that I met. Which wound up being you. But anyway, back to crying now. *WHAAAAAAAAA*
Sam: Oh hell. What are you crying for?
Gilly: *sniff*sniff*… I don’t want to say! Just, for narrative purposes, remember that Dalla’s son cries when it wants to nurse while my own son does not. *CRIES ANGRY*
She rushes off.
Sam: Interesting that she would explain the crying habits of two different children to me. Oh well, everything is put in these books for a reason… so I better keep track of that factoid for some reason.
He then goes in to see Jon.
Jon: Oh, there you are Sam. Geez. Where the hell have you been? Look, check this out!
He hands Sam a letter to King Tommen, unsigned. It tells Tommen that the Watch has allowed Stannis Baratheon to take up some unused castles along the Wall, but insists that the Watch itself is still neutral and… oh hey, by the way, can you spare any prisoners for the Watch?
Sam: I don’t think this will be enough for King’s Landing not to call us all traitors.
Jon: I know, I know. It’s a paper shield. Pretty useless.
Sam: But then again, Lord Tywin won’t want Stannis to take ALL the credit for protecting the Kingdom from the undead. Maybe it will work and Tywin will send men.
Jon: Maybe. It’s hard enough pleasing Stannis. The more I give him, the more he wants. Pleasing TWO kings? Now that’s impossible. Just think about Eleanor of Aquitaine. I mean she was married to both a King of France AND a King of England! Talk about a no-win situation.
Sam: Well, maybe Stannis will have luck getting allegiances from the Northern houses. Whatever. A paper shield is better than no shield. You should sign that thing and send it out.
Jon: Fine. *signs it*
Sam: So why was Gilly crying when she left here?
Jon: Ugh. Val sent her to plead for Mance’s life again. No way is Stannis going to agree to that though.
Sam: I heard Lady Melisandre plans to use Mance for some sort of sorcery bullshit. Burn him alive or something. How sick is that?
Jon: Do you mean awesome sick or awful sick? Because it’s sort of both. Anyway, it’s nonsense. All this talk about sacrificing the blood of a king to wake some dragon. Mance was just a dude in the Night’s Watch who abandoned it, went north, and declared himself a king. People started following him because he was charismatic. But really? King’s blood? He’s NO MORE OF A KING THAN I AM.
Sam: …
Jon: …
Raven: …
Sam: …
Raven: CORN!
Jon: See what I did there? See that?
Sam: Yes, I saw.
Jon: Oh yeah, and I guess Gilly could also be crying because I’m sending her away.
Sam: What?!
Jon: Yep. So how did your research down in the basement go?
Sam: Good! HEY! I learned about FOUR Lord Commanders that were actually younger than you! Wanna hear about them?
Jon: No, dickface! I sent you down to learn about the Others! I don’t care about young Lord Commanders!
Sam: Oh, on hat I haven’t found much. The records are sketchy and apocryphal at best. I found something about dragonglass daggers being weapons to use against them. Fire kills them too.
Jon: Duh. We already know all that shit.
Sam: They ride dead animals. Sometimes they hang out with ICE SPIDERS.
Jon: FUCK YEAH! ICE SPIDERS! That’s what I’m talking about! Why aren’t Ice Spiders on the TV show? That would be sweet!
Sam: It also talked about a mysterious hero named the “Last Hero” who could kill them with “Dragonsteel.”
Jon: What’s that? Is it, like, Valyrian Steel?
Sam: *shrugs* I’m not sure. But let’s go with… yeah… probably!
Jon: What else did the old documents say about the Others? Where do they come from? What do they want?
Sam: I dunno. I kinda got distracted by an old pile of Playboys from 1992 that were down there. There was the issue with the black chick that threw her kid and herself out of a window.
Jon: She threw her kid out of a window in the magazine?
Sam: No, she did it years later. We’re getting distracted from the plot though.
Jon: Ah, right. The plot is that you’re leaving too. With Gilly. And Aemon.
Sam: HUH?
Jon: Aemon is of royal blood, it’s too dangerous for him to stay here with that crazy ginger who wants to burn up royal people. Besides, he’s an old, old man. He won’t be around for much longer. I need a new Maester. And I need it to be you. The three of you are going to set sail for Oldtown. Gilly to get her out of here because there is no place for women to be in the Watch. You to train to be my new master. And Aemon to leave a peaceful retirement down where it’s warm.
Sam: So Oldtown is like Westeros’s Florida?
Jon: I guess.
Sam: The journey will be too hard for Aemon! He’ll probably die.
Jon: What? Noooo! What are the chances of that happening?
Sam: And Oldtown is close to where I grew up. By Horn Hill. I hate going that close to my father. He’s the worst.
Jon: What the hell, Sam? I thought you’d be SUPER EXCITED by this idea. You’re a cowardly fat fucker who is scared to death of these Others and Wights. You’re going to get as far away from them as possible. Plus you get to continue fucking around with your little chicka, Gilly. That despite your oaths and everything. And in Oldtown you’ll be surrounded by books. Books everywhere. Huge rooms full of books as far as the eye can see. This is pretty much your dream job.
Sam: I mean… wearing a chain and all? It just seems so Mr. T. Plus my father, he—
Jon: --You have no father now. Only brothers. You are a member of the Night’s Watch. And as a Member of the Night’s Watch, you will obey your Lord Commander. So listen to him.
Jon looks around.
Jon: Oh wait… THAT’S ME. So back your fucking bags. You leave at dawn. Hasta la pasta.
Sam leaves, afraid. Because he’s afraid of everything. He’s pretty much like my cat, Lenny. He goes to Aemon to complain and admit his fears.
Aemon: Quit being a little bitch, Sam. Even I’m not whining about this and I’m so old I’ll probably die on this boat to Oldtown.
Sam: That’s what I said to Jon too!
The next morning, they head out. Jon and Dolorous Edd are there to see them off.
Aemon: Ah, Lord Commander Snow. I have left a book for you, one of the ones Sam dug out from underground. It’s called the Jade Compendium.
Jon: “Jade Compendium” sounds like a well-educated Mole Town stripper who will take you into the Champaign room to grind against your crotch, but while she does it, she also talks to you about the effects that the construction of the Grand Island and Wyoming Central Railroad had on westward expansion, as well as its evolution to support increased traffic caused by the Black Hills Gold Rush of 1874-1877.
Aemon: No, it’s a tome of immense knowledge, written by the Volantene adventurer Colloquo Votar, who traveled to the east and visited all the lands of the Jade Sea. There is a passage you may find of interest. I've told Clydas to mark it for you. Some shit about Azor Ahai. It might be important in the future since you’re totally probably Azor Ahai.
Jon: Oh shit. Clydas is still around? Wow. I thought after Chett died we’d be done with the Dukes of Hazzard jokes, but I guess we still might be in for a few more.
Aemon: Knowledge is a weapon, Jon Snow. Arm yourself with it!
Jon: Thanks, motivational poster in a library. I’ll try to remember that.
Gilly then comes up, still crying.
Gilly: *sob* Make sure you find a good wetnurse for… “Dalla’s boy.” *breaks into full on crying*
Sam: Odd that “Dalla’s boy” got put in quotation marks like that, but okay.
Jon: Okay, all of you get the fuck out of here, and safe travels.
Sam: Wow, I’m like one of those Korean guys that dies at a video game center.
He is.
Sam: Maester Aemon told me to find a bunch of old books, which I did. But I got so excited to read! I’ve been down here forever!
Realizing that he should leave now because he has the books Aemon told him to get, he goes up to get some air and… you know… probably food. Because he’s a fatass.
Dolorous Edd: Oh, there you are! The Lord Commander wants to see you!
Pyp: Yeah, that Lord Commander being Jon Snow.
Grenn: I’m here too. Just to remind everyone.
Pyp: Yes. I died in the TV show during the Siege of Castle Black. Ygritte kills me. Then, later, you can see my corpse with all the bodies after Stannis arrives and we burn them all. But that’s not the case with the books.
Grenn: The same for me. In the TV show, I’m slain defending Castle Black in the raid. I’m essentially given the same role that Donal Noye is given in the books – defending the gate as the giant Mag the Mighty attacks, and me and Mag killing each other. But that’s Noye here. So I’m still alive!
Pyp: But neither of us really do anything else that interesting. Now we’re all bitter and angry and Jon Snow for being too busy to hang out with us now that he’s Lord Commander.
Sam: Okay, thanks for that narrative catch-up.
Sam goes to meet Jon, but on the way there he runs into Gilly. Literally, all the old books that he found for Aemon fall over the floor and some of the ancient texts with irreplaceable knowledge are ruined forever. Oh well.
Sam: *sucks in gut* Hey girl.
Gilly: Haha, you don’t have to do that. You rescued me after living an entire life of being raped by my father. The massive amounts of abuse I went through pretty much guaranteed me to favorably imprint on the next man other than my dad that I met. Which wound up being you. But anyway, back to crying now. *WHAAAAAAAAA*
Sam: Oh hell. What are you crying for?
Gilly: *sniff*sniff*… I don’t want to say! Just, for narrative purposes, remember that Dalla’s son cries when it wants to nurse while my own son does not. *CRIES ANGRY*
She rushes off.
Sam: Interesting that she would explain the crying habits of two different children to me. Oh well, everything is put in these books for a reason… so I better keep track of that factoid for some reason.
He then goes in to see Jon.
Jon: Oh, there you are Sam. Geez. Where the hell have you been? Look, check this out!
He hands Sam a letter to King Tommen, unsigned. It tells Tommen that the Watch has allowed Stannis Baratheon to take up some unused castles along the Wall, but insists that the Watch itself is still neutral and… oh hey, by the way, can you spare any prisoners for the Watch?
Sam: I don’t think this will be enough for King’s Landing not to call us all traitors.
Jon: I know, I know. It’s a paper shield. Pretty useless.
Sam: But then again, Lord Tywin won’t want Stannis to take ALL the credit for protecting the Kingdom from the undead. Maybe it will work and Tywin will send men.
Jon: Maybe. It’s hard enough pleasing Stannis. The more I give him, the more he wants. Pleasing TWO kings? Now that’s impossible. Just think about Eleanor of Aquitaine. I mean she was married to both a King of France AND a King of England! Talk about a no-win situation.
Sam: Well, maybe Stannis will have luck getting allegiances from the Northern houses. Whatever. A paper shield is better than no shield. You should sign that thing and send it out.
Jon: Fine. *signs it*
Sam: So why was Gilly crying when she left here?
Jon: Ugh. Val sent her to plead for Mance’s life again. No way is Stannis going to agree to that though.
Sam: I heard Lady Melisandre plans to use Mance for some sort of sorcery bullshit. Burn him alive or something. How sick is that?
Jon: Do you mean awesome sick or awful sick? Because it’s sort of both. Anyway, it’s nonsense. All this talk about sacrificing the blood of a king to wake some dragon. Mance was just a dude in the Night’s Watch who abandoned it, went north, and declared himself a king. People started following him because he was charismatic. But really? King’s blood? He’s NO MORE OF A KING THAN I AM.
Sam: …
Jon: …
Raven: …
Sam: …
Raven: CORN!
Jon: See what I did there? See that?
Sam: Yes, I saw.
Jon: Oh yeah, and I guess Gilly could also be crying because I’m sending her away.
Sam: What?!
Jon: Yep. So how did your research down in the basement go?
Sam: Good! HEY! I learned about FOUR Lord Commanders that were actually younger than you! Wanna hear about them?
Jon: No, dickface! I sent you down to learn about the Others! I don’t care about young Lord Commanders!
Sam: Oh, on hat I haven’t found much. The records are sketchy and apocryphal at best. I found something about dragonglass daggers being weapons to use against them. Fire kills them too.
Jon: Duh. We already know all that shit.
Sam: They ride dead animals. Sometimes they hang out with ICE SPIDERS.
Jon: FUCK YEAH! ICE SPIDERS! That’s what I’m talking about! Why aren’t Ice Spiders on the TV show? That would be sweet!
Sam: It also talked about a mysterious hero named the “Last Hero” who could kill them with “Dragonsteel.”
Jon: What’s that? Is it, like, Valyrian Steel?
Sam: *shrugs* I’m not sure. But let’s go with… yeah… probably!
Jon: What else did the old documents say about the Others? Where do they come from? What do they want?
Sam: I dunno. I kinda got distracted by an old pile of Playboys from 1992 that were down there. There was the issue with the black chick that threw her kid and herself out of a window.
Jon: She threw her kid out of a window in the magazine?
Sam: No, she did it years later. We’re getting distracted from the plot though.
Jon: Ah, right. The plot is that you’re leaving too. With Gilly. And Aemon.
Sam: HUH?
Jon: Aemon is of royal blood, it’s too dangerous for him to stay here with that crazy ginger who wants to burn up royal people. Besides, he’s an old, old man. He won’t be around for much longer. I need a new Maester. And I need it to be you. The three of you are going to set sail for Oldtown. Gilly to get her out of here because there is no place for women to be in the Watch. You to train to be my new master. And Aemon to leave a peaceful retirement down where it’s warm.
Sam: So Oldtown is like Westeros’s Florida?
Jon: I guess.
Sam: The journey will be too hard for Aemon! He’ll probably die.
Jon: What? Noooo! What are the chances of that happening?
Sam: And Oldtown is close to where I grew up. By Horn Hill. I hate going that close to my father. He’s the worst.
Jon: What the hell, Sam? I thought you’d be SUPER EXCITED by this idea. You’re a cowardly fat fucker who is scared to death of these Others and Wights. You’re going to get as far away from them as possible. Plus you get to continue fucking around with your little chicka, Gilly. That despite your oaths and everything. And in Oldtown you’ll be surrounded by books. Books everywhere. Huge rooms full of books as far as the eye can see. This is pretty much your dream job.
Sam: I mean… wearing a chain and all? It just seems so Mr. T. Plus my father, he—
Jon: --You have no father now. Only brothers. You are a member of the Night’s Watch. And as a Member of the Night’s Watch, you will obey your Lord Commander. So listen to him.
Jon looks around.
Jon: Oh wait… THAT’S ME. So back your fucking bags. You leave at dawn. Hasta la pasta.
Sam leaves, afraid. Because he’s afraid of everything. He’s pretty much like my cat, Lenny. He goes to Aemon to complain and admit his fears.
Aemon: Quit being a little bitch, Sam. Even I’m not whining about this and I’m so old I’ll probably die on this boat to Oldtown.
Sam: That’s what I said to Jon too!
The next morning, they head out. Jon and Dolorous Edd are there to see them off.
Aemon: Ah, Lord Commander Snow. I have left a book for you, one of the ones Sam dug out from underground. It’s called the Jade Compendium.
Jon: “Jade Compendium” sounds like a well-educated Mole Town stripper who will take you into the Champaign room to grind against your crotch, but while she does it, she also talks to you about the effects that the construction of the Grand Island and Wyoming Central Railroad had on westward expansion, as well as its evolution to support increased traffic caused by the Black Hills Gold Rush of 1874-1877.
Aemon: No, it’s a tome of immense knowledge, written by the Volantene adventurer Colloquo Votar, who traveled to the east and visited all the lands of the Jade Sea. There is a passage you may find of interest. I've told Clydas to mark it for you. Some shit about Azor Ahai. It might be important in the future since you’re totally probably Azor Ahai.
Jon: Oh shit. Clydas is still around? Wow. I thought after Chett died we’d be done with the Dukes of Hazzard jokes, but I guess we still might be in for a few more.
Aemon: Knowledge is a weapon, Jon Snow. Arm yourself with it!
Jon: Thanks, motivational poster in a library. I’ll try to remember that.
Gilly then comes up, still crying.
Gilly: *sob* Make sure you find a good wetnurse for… “Dalla’s boy.” *breaks into full on crying*
Sam: Odd that “Dalla’s boy” got put in quotation marks like that, but okay.
Jon: Okay, all of you get the fuck out of here, and safe travels.
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