Brienne and Podrick travel through Riverlands.
Brienne: Hrm, this is all so familiar looking. Oh yeah. This is where I travelled with Jaime before. Oh, I hated him so much back then. But now… I… I… well, I don’t know what I say. I was wrong about him.
Pod: Boring! Talk about something else, ser! I mean My Lady. Ser My Lady. My Lady Ser. Whatever.
Brienne: Ugh, you’re a pretty crappy squire, Pod. But then again, I’m not actually a real knight. So I guess it’s fitting.
Pod: Yes My Lady. I mean Ser. I mean—
Brienne: Say, as Tyrion’s squire, surely you must know something helpful about Sansa that I can use to locate her, right?
Pod scratches his head for a bit, but then just shrugs.
Not long after, the two come before a husband and wife on the road, who are pushing a cart along.
Farmer Wife: You two better watch yourselves on this road. It’s not safe around here. Too many outlaws. I heard a rumor that the Hound is hanging around the Trident with a band outlaws. Maybe Beric’s group. They’re going around, raping and pillaging.
Farmer Husband: Yeah, we’re heading towards Maidenpool. It will be safer there. The Hound will be far too scared to face up with Lord Tarly!
Brienne: Ugh. Lord Tarly? I hate that guy! But then again… I guess I need to go to Maidenpool as well. Perhaps I can slip in and out of the town without him ever learning that I was there.
And so they go to Maidenpool and reach the gates.
Guard: HEY THERE ASSHOLES! You wanna come in?
Husband: Yeah.
Guard: Well, I see you got some eggs there in your cart.
Husband: I’m a farmer, so yeah.
Guard: I want those eggs. They’re my payment for letting you in to the city. Oh, and I see you have a wife too. Yeah. She can be part of the payment too. Her eggs, if you know what I mean. As in I inseminate her eggs. By having s--
Husband: --No, I got it, dude. You don't need to explain it any further.
Brienne: HOW DARE YOU, SER! Leave these poor people alone!
Guard: It’s called graft, you stupid, ugly WNBA player! I’ll kill you in a minute and feel nothing. I’ve got this job and I’m going to abuse the hell out of this position of power! Institutional corruption runs deep into this society! Hahaha, and there is nothing you can do about i—
Man: --Just what the hell is going on here?
A man steps forward to confront the guard. Brienne doesn’t recognize him at first, until she gets a good look at his face.
Brienne: Oh my! Ser Hyle Hunt! One of Lord Tarlys’s captains!
Hyle: Yes. You stupid guards! Don’t you know who this is? That’s Brienne Tarth. And she’s as mean as she is ugly. She will mess all of you up. She bested Loras Tyrell in a fight once.
The guards back away and leave. Brienne, Pod, the Farmer and his Wife can now all enter Maidenpool, unmolested.
Husband: Ser Hyle, thank you for stepping in to show that corrupt guard his place. You are a true knight!
Brienne: Really? You’re calling him a true knight right after he just called me ugly? Right in front of me?
Hyle: Well, I just figured that people have been saying that to your face for your whole life. And that by now you’d just sort of be dead inside and feel nothing when people say it.
Brienne: You have an excellent point.
Hyle: You know what else has an excellent point?
Ser Hunt reaches towards his sword and wraps his fingers around it.
Hyle: Perhaps you can thank me in another way. Through combat. I would love to have revenge on the wench that killed King Renly!
Brienne: You dipshit. It was sorcery that killed Renly. Not me.
Hyle: Oh yeah? Yeah? REALLY?
Brienne: Yes. Really.
Hyle: Eh. Whatever then.
He takes his hand away from his sword. His quest for revenge was obviously not that strong.
Hyle: Nobody gives a crap about Renly these days anyway. He’s old news. Come on, Brienne! Let’s go say hi to Lord Tarly.
Brienne: UGH! NOOOO!!!
And yet that’s where he takes her anyway. They head to a fish market, where Tarly has set up a makeshift headquarters to execute and whip people. Because he’s an asshole.
Lord Tarly: Oh crap. Your ugly ass again? I thought you were gone for good. So you killed Renly, huh?
Brienne: WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY I KILLED RENLY?! NO! NO I DIDN’T KILL HIM!
Lord Tarly: Even if it wasn’t your sword, it was still your fault. You were in his Kingsguard and he died, so that means you let him die. But in a way, the fault was Renly’s own because he put you, a feeble woman, in his Kingsguard. Women’s place is barefoot and pregnant, at home in the kitchen and poppin out more babies. I should send you back to Tarth so that your dad can whip you.
Brienne: Jesus Christ, you’re just the worst. Oh, and also you can’t touch me or do shit. Check this out.
She hands him the letter, signed by the King. It says she’s on a mission for the King to find the Stark girls.
Lord Tarly: Well, you’re heading the wrong direction. Sansa Stark has surely fled back North to Winterfell.
Brienne: Maybe. And maybe not. She could also be headed to her aunt Lysa in the Vale.
Lord Tarly: Hahaha, you dumb, feeble woman. Surely you’ve heard that Lady Lysa is dead.
Brienne: Whaaaaa?
Lord Tarly: Some singer pushed her off a mountain. But whatever. This stupid business of yours has nothing to do with me. If you want to wander around these dangerous roads, pretending to be a man, then you’re going to get yourself raped and killed. Not necessarily in that order. And you’ll deserve it.
Tarly then walks off.
Brienne: Wow. He’s just the worst.
Hyle: Yep. So what are you doing here in Maidenpool, Brienne? I mean, I know now that you’re looking for that Stark girl. But what about that mission brings you here?
Brienne: None of your business.
Hyle: Well, tell me anyway even though you have no logical reason to.
Brienne: Fine. There is a tavern here called the Stinking Goose. There is a guy named "Nimble Dick" there that might have information. I’m going to meet him.
Hyle: Let me come with you.
Brienne: No. I hate you. Get out of my face.
Hyle: WHAAAAAAT? Why? WHY?! What did I ever do to you?
Brienne: Well, just a few minutes ago you were threatening to fight me.
Hyle: Okay fine. But that’s all.
Brienne: Oh right, and also back in the day… when I first joined Renly’s camp, you participated in a cruel game with a bunch of other knights where you all pretended to be interested in me. You all called me beautiful and tried to court me. But really, you all thought I was the ugliest person you had ever seen and were playing a sick, sick game where there was a challenge to see who could have sex with me first.
Hyle: OH COME ON! It was just a fun little game we played to pass the time! It’s basically just the plot of 10 Things I Hate About You! You can’t possibly still be angry over a little thing like that after all this time.
Brienne shakes her head and him and just walks away.
Hyle: What? WHAT?!
Brienne finds the Stinking Goose on her own and goes inside, waiting for Nimble Dick. And yes, I am aware of how wrong that sounds but it GRRM’s fault, not mine. Finally, he arrives.
Brienne: Are you Nimble Dick?
Nimble Dick: Sometimes, but when I drink too much it’s flaccid.
Brienne: Speaking of drinking, I’ll buy you a drink in exchange for “a word.”
Nimble Dick: Any word? Like “dog?” Or does it have to be a super long word like “floccinaucinihilipilification?”
Brienne: No, I mean a conversation. I need information from you. I hear you fooled a fool. And something about giving him passage for three across the sea.
Nimble Dick: Oh, that? Sure. What do you want to know about that?
Brienne: Who were the other two? Was one a fair maiden with red hair?
Nimble Dick: I never met the other two. But the fool looked frightened when he saw the men with Lord Tarly’s sigil on them. I sent them on their way to Smuggler’s Cove.
Brienne pulls out a gold coin.
Brienne: Smugglers Cove, huh? Tell me where that is and this coin will be yours.
Nimble Dick: Oh, it’s a pretty obscure and hard to find place by Crackclaw Point. It’s almost impossible to get there. I’m not sure even I could give you accurate directions. It’s more like something I’d have to lead you to myself. Which I can do for you. But it will have to be more than a single golden dragon for that. 10 dragons.
Brienne: Two dragons.
Nimble Dick: Eight dragons!
Brienne: Four dragons.
Nimble Dick: Six dragons! And that’s my final offer. I’ll take nothing less.
Brienne: Fine, six dragons it is. But your payment will only come at the end if I figure out your information is good and I find the girls. One of them is my sister and I have to save her before—
Nimble Dick: --Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. I’m just in it for the money. Meet me at the east gate at dawn.
Brienne: Hrm, this is all so familiar looking. Oh yeah. This is where I travelled with Jaime before. Oh, I hated him so much back then. But now… I… I… well, I don’t know what I say. I was wrong about him.
Pod: Boring! Talk about something else, ser! I mean My Lady. Ser My Lady. My Lady Ser. Whatever.
Brienne: Ugh, you’re a pretty crappy squire, Pod. But then again, I’m not actually a real knight. So I guess it’s fitting.
Pod: Yes My Lady. I mean Ser. I mean—
Brienne: Say, as Tyrion’s squire, surely you must know something helpful about Sansa that I can use to locate her, right?
Pod scratches his head for a bit, but then just shrugs.
Not long after, the two come before a husband and wife on the road, who are pushing a cart along.
Farmer Wife: You two better watch yourselves on this road. It’s not safe around here. Too many outlaws. I heard a rumor that the Hound is hanging around the Trident with a band outlaws. Maybe Beric’s group. They’re going around, raping and pillaging.
Farmer Husband: Yeah, we’re heading towards Maidenpool. It will be safer there. The Hound will be far too scared to face up with Lord Tarly!
Brienne: Ugh. Lord Tarly? I hate that guy! But then again… I guess I need to go to Maidenpool as well. Perhaps I can slip in and out of the town without him ever learning that I was there.
And so they go to Maidenpool and reach the gates.
Guard: HEY THERE ASSHOLES! You wanna come in?
Husband: Yeah.
Guard: Well, I see you got some eggs there in your cart.
Husband: I’m a farmer, so yeah.
Guard: I want those eggs. They’re my payment for letting you in to the city. Oh, and I see you have a wife too. Yeah. She can be part of the payment too. Her eggs, if you know what I mean. As in I inseminate her eggs. By having s--
Husband: --No, I got it, dude. You don't need to explain it any further.
Brienne: HOW DARE YOU, SER! Leave these poor people alone!
Guard: It’s called graft, you stupid, ugly WNBA player! I’ll kill you in a minute and feel nothing. I’ve got this job and I’m going to abuse the hell out of this position of power! Institutional corruption runs deep into this society! Hahaha, and there is nothing you can do about i—
Man: --Just what the hell is going on here?
A man steps forward to confront the guard. Brienne doesn’t recognize him at first, until she gets a good look at his face.
Brienne: Oh my! Ser Hyle Hunt! One of Lord Tarlys’s captains!
Hyle: Yes. You stupid guards! Don’t you know who this is? That’s Brienne Tarth. And she’s as mean as she is ugly. She will mess all of you up. She bested Loras Tyrell in a fight once.
The guards back away and leave. Brienne, Pod, the Farmer and his Wife can now all enter Maidenpool, unmolested.
Husband: Ser Hyle, thank you for stepping in to show that corrupt guard his place. You are a true knight!
Brienne: Really? You’re calling him a true knight right after he just called me ugly? Right in front of me?
Hyle: Well, I just figured that people have been saying that to your face for your whole life. And that by now you’d just sort of be dead inside and feel nothing when people say it.
Brienne: You have an excellent point.
Hyle: You know what else has an excellent point?
Ser Hunt reaches towards his sword and wraps his fingers around it.
Hyle: Perhaps you can thank me in another way. Through combat. I would love to have revenge on the wench that killed King Renly!
Brienne: You dipshit. It was sorcery that killed Renly. Not me.
Hyle: Oh yeah? Yeah? REALLY?
Brienne: Yes. Really.
Hyle: Eh. Whatever then.
He takes his hand away from his sword. His quest for revenge was obviously not that strong.
Hyle: Nobody gives a crap about Renly these days anyway. He’s old news. Come on, Brienne! Let’s go say hi to Lord Tarly.
Brienne: UGH! NOOOO!!!
And yet that’s where he takes her anyway. They head to a fish market, where Tarly has set up a makeshift headquarters to execute and whip people. Because he’s an asshole.
Lord Tarly: Oh crap. Your ugly ass again? I thought you were gone for good. So you killed Renly, huh?
Brienne: WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY I KILLED RENLY?! NO! NO I DIDN’T KILL HIM!
Lord Tarly: Even if it wasn’t your sword, it was still your fault. You were in his Kingsguard and he died, so that means you let him die. But in a way, the fault was Renly’s own because he put you, a feeble woman, in his Kingsguard. Women’s place is barefoot and pregnant, at home in the kitchen and poppin out more babies. I should send you back to Tarth so that your dad can whip you.
Brienne: Jesus Christ, you’re just the worst. Oh, and also you can’t touch me or do shit. Check this out.
She hands him the letter, signed by the King. It says she’s on a mission for the King to find the Stark girls.
Lord Tarly: Well, you’re heading the wrong direction. Sansa Stark has surely fled back North to Winterfell.
Brienne: Maybe. And maybe not. She could also be headed to her aunt Lysa in the Vale.
Lord Tarly: Hahaha, you dumb, feeble woman. Surely you’ve heard that Lady Lysa is dead.
Brienne: Whaaaaa?
Lord Tarly: Some singer pushed her off a mountain. But whatever. This stupid business of yours has nothing to do with me. If you want to wander around these dangerous roads, pretending to be a man, then you’re going to get yourself raped and killed. Not necessarily in that order. And you’ll deserve it.
Tarly then walks off.
Brienne: Wow. He’s just the worst.
Hyle: Yep. So what are you doing here in Maidenpool, Brienne? I mean, I know now that you’re looking for that Stark girl. But what about that mission brings you here?
Brienne: None of your business.
Hyle: Well, tell me anyway even though you have no logical reason to.
Brienne: Fine. There is a tavern here called the Stinking Goose. There is a guy named "Nimble Dick" there that might have information. I’m going to meet him.
Hyle: Let me come with you.
Brienne: No. I hate you. Get out of my face.
Hyle: WHAAAAAAT? Why? WHY?! What did I ever do to you?
Brienne: Well, just a few minutes ago you were threatening to fight me.
Hyle: Okay fine. But that’s all.
Brienne: Oh right, and also back in the day… when I first joined Renly’s camp, you participated in a cruel game with a bunch of other knights where you all pretended to be interested in me. You all called me beautiful and tried to court me. But really, you all thought I was the ugliest person you had ever seen and were playing a sick, sick game where there was a challenge to see who could have sex with me first.
Hyle: OH COME ON! It was just a fun little game we played to pass the time! It’s basically just the plot of 10 Things I Hate About You! You can’t possibly still be angry over a little thing like that after all this time.
Brienne shakes her head and him and just walks away.
Hyle: What? WHAT?!
Brienne finds the Stinking Goose on her own and goes inside, waiting for Nimble Dick. And yes, I am aware of how wrong that sounds but it GRRM’s fault, not mine. Finally, he arrives.
Brienne: Are you Nimble Dick?
Nimble Dick: Sometimes, but when I drink too much it’s flaccid.
Brienne: Speaking of drinking, I’ll buy you a drink in exchange for “a word.”
Nimble Dick: Any word? Like “dog?” Or does it have to be a super long word like “floccinaucinihilipilification?”
Brienne: No, I mean a conversation. I need information from you. I hear you fooled a fool. And something about giving him passage for three across the sea.
Nimble Dick: Oh, that? Sure. What do you want to know about that?
Brienne: Who were the other two? Was one a fair maiden with red hair?
Nimble Dick: I never met the other two. But the fool looked frightened when he saw the men with Lord Tarly’s sigil on them. I sent them on their way to Smuggler’s Cove.
Brienne pulls out a gold coin.
Brienne: Smugglers Cove, huh? Tell me where that is and this coin will be yours.
Nimble Dick: Oh, it’s a pretty obscure and hard to find place by Crackclaw Point. It’s almost impossible to get there. I’m not sure even I could give you accurate directions. It’s more like something I’d have to lead you to myself. Which I can do for you. But it will have to be more than a single golden dragon for that. 10 dragons.
Brienne: Two dragons.
Nimble Dick: Eight dragons!
Brienne: Four dragons.
Nimble Dick: Six dragons! And that’s my final offer. I’ll take nothing less.
Brienne: Fine, six dragons it is. But your payment will only come at the end if I figure out your information is good and I find the girls. One of them is my sister and I have to save her before—
Nimble Dick: --Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. I’m just in it for the money. Meet me at the east gate at dawn.
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