Sam is hella seasick as they ride along the Blackbird, a ship which has sailed out from Eastwatch-by-the-Bay.
Sam: *trying to hold back vomit* Ugh. I hate this. I have everything. I hate this ship. I hate my life. My life sucks. Everyone else will have a happy ending. Gilly will be a maid in my father’s house. Aemon will retire. This stupid singer guy, Dareon, who hasn’t been seen or mentioned in several books, will take over Yoren’s place as a recruiter. They’ll all be far away from the Wall. But me? I have to be a Maester and be close to my dad. I don’t want to do any of that. Even though becoming a Maester is exactly the type of thing that I SHOULD be into because it means I get to hang around with books and I’m also ignoring the fact that I too will be safe and far away from the Wall.
Sam goes to check on Gilly. She’s probably even more mopey and sad than him. She’s crying all the time. He tries to cheer her up, but it’s just crying, crying crying.
Sam: What the hell is her problem?
He then flashes back to the last time he was on a ship. Needless to say, it was also a terrible experience where he was supposed to be fosted by Lord Redwyne, but Lord Redwyne rejected him for being a little whiny, incompetent bitch.
After 10 days at sea, the ship is now east of the island of Skagos.
Sam: Rumor is the people here are all cannibals. So it would be a very dumb place to take Rickon. Gosh, I hope we don’t crash there and get eaten.
Even though Sam and the others are all on the top deck, in the background they can still hear Gilly crying below deck and the baby crying as well.
Dareon: OH GOD, WILL SOMEONE SHUT HER UP?! I thought these Wildling girls were supposed to be fearless warriors?
Sam: She is brave! She’s just a little scared of the sea. That’s all. I can think of no other reason why she might be sad.
It then starts raining.
Sam: Ugh. Another storm? Okay Aemon, let’s go below.
But Aemon hasn’t been too well himself, as of late. The sea voyage has been bad for his old ass as well. Sam helps him down below deck and gets him to a fire to warm him up. Gilly holds off her crying for a little bit to help, but the ship hits a giant wave and everyone gets sea sick. It’s a giant puke fest like in Stand By Me. Samwell is playing the role of Lard Ass, obviously.
The storms continue for days and says. Everyone feels awful.
It starts to get a little better, and everyone (except Gilly and the baby) go above deck.
Sailor: You know who’s fault this is? That Wildling woman!
Other Sailor: Yes. Everyone knows that women bring bad luck to ships!
Sailor: It’s true. Women shouldn’t be allowed on ships. They bring a curse. We should throw her overboard and the storms will let up.
Other Sailor: Although I guess it’s nice to have a woman on board to… like… look at and stuff. Or maybe have sex with, if they’re interested.
Sailor: What?! NO! We invented the “no women” rule for a reason! So that we could all have gay sex on the seas and that fact from our wives and people who will judge us. We use the hole “bad luck” thing as an excuse.
Other Sailor: SHHH! You’re not supposed to say that out loud.
Dareon: I might throw her overboard myself if she doesn’t stop with the crying.
Sam: Oh come on, guys! Gilly is just afraid of the ocean. Wildlings have never really seen water before.
Aemon: Sam, can’t you tell that Gilly’s tears are tears of sadness? Not tears of fear!
Sam: Why would Gilly be sad?
Aemon: Oh geez, I’m blind and dying and even I can see this. Jon had Gilly’s baby switched with Dalla’s baby.
Sam: WHAT?! WHY?!
Aemon: Dalla’s Baby = Mance’s Baby. Mance = the King of the Freefolk. Dalla’s Baby = King’s Blood. Melisandre the Red Witch = Crazy lady who likes sacrificing people with king’s blood. If Jon switches them, then when Mel shows up to burn the kid he can be like, “Nah girl. Too late. That baby is gone. This is just some wildling ho’s inbred baby with her dad. That king’s baby is long gone.”
Sam: Oh. Oh ohhh ohhhhhhh! Hence the narrative devices stated earlier about the differences between the nursing and crying habits of the two babies.
Aemon: Yes. Idiot.
Sam: Man. That’s really messed up. Gilly is torn apart from her child!
Aemon: Yes, Sam. There are no happy endings.
Dareon: Not true! I hear in Braavos there is this massage parlor you can go to, and in the back there are plenty of happy endings… for the right price.
Aemon: …
Sam: …
Dareon: I'm specifically talking about handjobs.
Aemon: …
Sam: …
Dareon: What? What? Forget you two! I’ll just enjoy the weather out here now that the ship isn’t rocking. I think the worst of the storm has passed!
Sam: No. Look in the distance. Over there. See the lightning? I think the worst is yet to come!
Dareon: You know what Sam, you Debby Downer? Forget about the woman and the baby. I’m about to throw your fat ass overboard.
Sam: *trying to hold back vomit* Ugh. I hate this. I have everything. I hate this ship. I hate my life. My life sucks. Everyone else will have a happy ending. Gilly will be a maid in my father’s house. Aemon will retire. This stupid singer guy, Dareon, who hasn’t been seen or mentioned in several books, will take over Yoren’s place as a recruiter. They’ll all be far away from the Wall. But me? I have to be a Maester and be close to my dad. I don’t want to do any of that. Even though becoming a Maester is exactly the type of thing that I SHOULD be into because it means I get to hang around with books and I’m also ignoring the fact that I too will be safe and far away from the Wall.
Sam goes to check on Gilly. She’s probably even more mopey and sad than him. She’s crying all the time. He tries to cheer her up, but it’s just crying, crying crying.
Sam: What the hell is her problem?
He then flashes back to the last time he was on a ship. Needless to say, it was also a terrible experience where he was supposed to be fosted by Lord Redwyne, but Lord Redwyne rejected him for being a little whiny, incompetent bitch.
After 10 days at sea, the ship is now east of the island of Skagos.
Sam: Rumor is the people here are all cannibals. So it would be a very dumb place to take Rickon. Gosh, I hope we don’t crash there and get eaten.
Even though Sam and the others are all on the top deck, in the background they can still hear Gilly crying below deck and the baby crying as well.
Dareon: OH GOD, WILL SOMEONE SHUT HER UP?! I thought these Wildling girls were supposed to be fearless warriors?
Sam: She is brave! She’s just a little scared of the sea. That’s all. I can think of no other reason why she might be sad.
It then starts raining.
Sam: Ugh. Another storm? Okay Aemon, let’s go below.
But Aemon hasn’t been too well himself, as of late. The sea voyage has been bad for his old ass as well. Sam helps him down below deck and gets him to a fire to warm him up. Gilly holds off her crying for a little bit to help, but the ship hits a giant wave and everyone gets sea sick. It’s a giant puke fest like in Stand By Me. Samwell is playing the role of Lard Ass, obviously.
The storms continue for days and says. Everyone feels awful.
It starts to get a little better, and everyone (except Gilly and the baby) go above deck.
Sailor: You know who’s fault this is? That Wildling woman!
Other Sailor: Yes. Everyone knows that women bring bad luck to ships!
Sailor: It’s true. Women shouldn’t be allowed on ships. They bring a curse. We should throw her overboard and the storms will let up.
Other Sailor: Although I guess it’s nice to have a woman on board to… like… look at and stuff. Or maybe have sex with, if they’re interested.
Sailor: What?! NO! We invented the “no women” rule for a reason! So that we could all have gay sex on the seas and that fact from our wives and people who will judge us. We use the hole “bad luck” thing as an excuse.
Other Sailor: SHHH! You’re not supposed to say that out loud.
Dareon: I might throw her overboard myself if she doesn’t stop with the crying.
Sam: Oh come on, guys! Gilly is just afraid of the ocean. Wildlings have never really seen water before.
Aemon: Sam, can’t you tell that Gilly’s tears are tears of sadness? Not tears of fear!
Sam: Why would Gilly be sad?
Aemon: Oh geez, I’m blind and dying and even I can see this. Jon had Gilly’s baby switched with Dalla’s baby.
Sam: WHAT?! WHY?!
Aemon: Dalla’s Baby = Mance’s Baby. Mance = the King of the Freefolk. Dalla’s Baby = King’s Blood. Melisandre the Red Witch = Crazy lady who likes sacrificing people with king’s blood. If Jon switches them, then when Mel shows up to burn the kid he can be like, “Nah girl. Too late. That baby is gone. This is just some wildling ho’s inbred baby with her dad. That king’s baby is long gone.”
Sam: Oh. Oh ohhh ohhhhhhh! Hence the narrative devices stated earlier about the differences between the nursing and crying habits of the two babies.
Aemon: Yes. Idiot.
Sam: Man. That’s really messed up. Gilly is torn apart from her child!
Aemon: Yes, Sam. There are no happy endings.
Dareon: Not true! I hear in Braavos there is this massage parlor you can go to, and in the back there are plenty of happy endings… for the right price.
Aemon: …
Sam: …
Dareon: I'm specifically talking about handjobs.
Aemon: …
Sam: …
Dareon: What? What? Forget you two! I’ll just enjoy the weather out here now that the ship isn’t rocking. I think the worst of the storm has passed!
Sam: No. Look in the distance. Over there. See the lightning? I think the worst is yet to come!
Dareon: You know what Sam, you Debby Downer? Forget about the woman and the baby. I’m about to throw your fat ass overboard.
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