Marillion the Singer is singing all day and night from his prison cell. It’s keeping everyone in Eyrie awake and it’s super annoying.
Marillion: I’m a barbie girl! In a barbie world! Life in plastic! It’s fantastic!
See? He’s just the worst, right? You can see how this would be totally annoying.
Sansa: OMG Littlefinger, make him stop. It’s haunting me and I already have a high tolerance for terrible pop music.
Littlefinger: Yes, you must since you’re engaged to a Jonas Brother. But alas, I can’t make him stop. I promised to allow it as one of the conditions of him going along with our story that he was the one who killed Lady Lysa in a fit of jealousy.
Sansa: It’s odd that he’s going along with our story considering that he’ll be executed if he goes along with it. Not that he doesn’t deserve it. You know, what with him being an overall horrible human being who tried to rape me, etc.
Littlefinger: Yes. Lord Nestor Royce, the High Steward of the Vale and the ACTING Keeper of the Gates of the Moon will arrive tomorrow. He will have many questions about the death of Lysa. Hopefully Marillion will long with our story. But even if he doesn’t, it’s still two against one. Who do you think Royce will believe? Everyone except for Lysa and little Robert hated Marillion anyway. I won’t let Royce harm my wonderful daughter!
Sansa: Uhh… but I’m not your daughter for real. Just for pretend.
Littlefinger: Yes, I know that. It’s more like you’re playing my stepdaughter in one of those dirty internet “Oops, I banged my stepdad” movies.
Sansa: No. A million times no.
Littlefinger: Anyway, we stick to the same story we told little Robert.
Sansa: Well, Robert fell for that story because he’s stupid as hell. Will Lord Nestor believe it? Besides, it’s a lie. And isn’t lying bad?
Littlefinger: A lie isn’t bad if it’s for the greater good.
Sansa: And what about all that stuff Lysa said right before she fell? You know, like about how you and her plotted together for years, killed her husband, and started off this whole storyline that caused my father to go south to become the new Hand of the King and which caused my entire family to die and the Kingdom to plunge into civil war.
Littlefinger: Eh, the ravings of a mad woman. You shouldn’t believe it.
Sansa: Are you sure?
Littlefinger: Of course, I would never lie to you!
Sansa: You just said that lies are good if they’re for the greater good. That implies you have a pretty pro-lie policy.
Littlefinger: Did I? Well never mind. I was lying about that.
Sansa: *sigh*
Sansa tries to sleep that night, but is again kept awake by Marillion and his terrible singing.
Marillion: *mumbles heavily auto-tuned rap*
Sansa: Oh God, that’s the worst. “Marillion” even sounds like the name of a mumble rapper.
After not sleeping again for another night, an exhausted Sansa then joins with Lord Protector Baelish as he meets with Lord Nestor.
Littlefinger: Lord Nester, it’s a pleasure.
Nester: Oh, Littlefinger. Please meet my son, Ser Albar.
Albar: Yo.
Littlefinger: And you please meet my natural daughter, Alayne.
Sansa: …
Littlefinger: *ahem* My daughter, Alayne.
Sansa: …
Littlefinger: *elbows Sansa*
Sansa: OH CRAP! That’s me? I mean… yeah. That’s me. Sorry. So sleepy.
Sansa might be tired, but she’s not so tired that she doesn’t notice that Nestor and Albor came with dozens of knights and soldiers. If Lord Nestor doesn’t believe their story about the death of Lysa, there will be hell to pay.
Littlefinger: Alayne, be a good girl and go fetch Lord Robert.
Sansa: Ugh. If I have to.
Sansa goes to get the young Robert, who is crying and complaining. Sansa hates this annoying brat, for obvious reasons. But with Lysa dead, he’s been even worse. Some nights he crawled into her bed and tried to use her as his wet nurse. He also pees the bed a lot because he’s the worst. Needless to say, Sansa has started locking her door to keep him out.
Sansa: Come on, you have to go meet with Lord Nestor.
Robert: No! I don’t want to! Lord Nester is stupid and ugly. I’m afraid of him.
Sansa: Come on, you have to go to the High Hall now and sit in the big chair for the important, brave leader of the Vale.
Robert: No, that’s where mommy died! I don’t wanna go to the High Hall.
Sansa: Whatever.
She grabs his ass and drags him there anyway. As she walks in, she finds Baelish in the middle of explaining everything that happened.
Littlefinger: So you see, what had happened was, Marillion threw Lady Lysa out of the Moon Door. Isn’t that right, Lord Robert?
Robert: Yes. That bad singer man killed my mommy! Alayne and Petyr saw it!
Sansa is shaking as they tell the story. Lord Nestor notices.
Littlefinger: You see that? See how my daughter is still traumatized even thinking about it? She’s shaking with fear! Isn’t that right, Alayne?
Sansa: *crying* Y-y-yes?
Robert: FLY! I WANT TO SEE THE BAD MUSIC MAN FLY! AGHHH!!!!
He then falls onto the floor and starts to have another fit, convulsing around.
Littlefinger: Ugh, his poor Lordship. Have him sent back to bed to be leeched.
And Robert is taken away.
Nestor: Hrmmm…Well.
He stands there with a very contemplative look on his face. What will he say. Will he believe them?
Nestor: I never did trust that singer. He came along with that Imp Tyrion and was just the worst. I told Lysa to send him away, but she refused. And now look what happened.
Littlefinger: Yes Nestor, you’re a very smart man. If only Lysa would have listened to you, my dear wife would still be alive! I came along… and I finally got her to agree to kick him out. And so she finally told him that he was banished. That’s when he went into the fit of rage and threw her out the Moon Door.
Nestor: Yes. Sounds legit. Still. I guess we should let the man speak for himself. Bring him out!
And Marillion is marched out form his cell to speak about what happened.
Nestor: Go on, singer. Tell us how it went down.
Sansa is still shaking. What is this dude gonna say? He's going to be executed if he confesses so why confess? Oh that's right... Sansa figures it out when she sees him. It's so that he's executed QUICKLY and painlessly instead of slowly tortured.
As He’s brought out, Sansa sees that his eyes have been gouged out and some of his fingers removed. I mean maybe some people will feel a little for him. But those people are wrong. This dude totally deserved all of that, even if he is innocent of the particular thing he’s being charged with.
Marillion: Yes! I did it! I was so jealous of Lord Baelish taking Lysa from me. Oh, I loved her so and I killed her when she said she was going to send me away! PLEASE GOD END MY LIFE NOW.
Littlefinger: See?
Nestor: Yes, yes. It all adds up. Send him away.
Marillion is led back to his cell.
Nestor: Well, I suppose Marillion should be put out of his damn misery soon.
Littlefinger: Indeed. Let’s talk more up in Lady Lysa’s solar. My dear Alayne, come pour wine for us.
They head up to the solar, and this time Sansa remembers that she is Alayne and follows.
In the solar, they talk further.
Nestor: You know, all of the bannermen to the Arryns will want to come here and confirm the story as well. My cousin, Bronze Yohn will be especially skeptical of you. He has not been happy with the fact that you have been named Lord Protector. He was not happy that you married Lady Lysa in the first place.
Littlefinger: Wait, which one is Bronze Yohn? Is that the guy who keeps complaining about his son Waymar who went missing in the very first chapter of this entire series?
Nestor: Yep, that’s the one.
Littlefinger: Well, I guess he’ll just have to listen to reason and evidence. Oh, by the way… before Lysa was so tragically murdered you know what she said to me? She was like, “I love Lord Nestor so much! He’s the best! You know how he’s ACTING Keeper of the Gates of the Moon? That’s such BS! I want to make him the PERMANENT Keeper of the Gates, and make the title hereditary, so that it’s passed on to his children and his children’s children. This will create a new House and Title called the House Royce of the Gates of the Moon.”
Lord Nestor begins to tear up with happiness.
Nestor: I… I… I can’t believe she said that! It’s so… so… wonderful! WOW! I never knew Lady Lysa respected and loved me so much!
Littlefinger: Oh, it’s true. It’s all totally true. And here is a parchment she had drawn up to make it all official. But you know what happened right before she signed it? That asshole Marillion murdered her.
Nestor: TERRIBLE!
Littlefinger: So I, as the Lord Protector of the Vale until Robert comes of age, fulfilled Lady Lysa’s final wishes and plans and I signed it in her place. You and your family will be a House of Great Nobility, and Keepers of the Gate for all time.
Nestor: YESSSS!!!!!
Littlefinger: BUT...
Nestor: …Oh, there is an “but” here?
Littlefinger: Yes, unfortunately so. BUT if your cousin, Bronze Yohn, and the other bannermen of the House Arryn declare me as a false and untrustworthy Lord Protector… then of course anything like this that I signed will be declared null and void. Then your cousin and the others will try to rob you of this noble and meaningful title that Lady Lysa wanted you to have. Those greedy relatives will probably claim it for themselves and say something like, “This title belongs to the Arryns and has for all time. It should NOT go to Lord Nestor.”
Nestor: GASP! That’s awful! Those monsters want to steal this title from me.
Littlefinger: Indeed, they probably do. So I guess really the only way for you to protect your title and to get everything you and your family deserve is to remain totally loyal to me and be on my side.
Nestor nods his head.
Nestor: Well fucking played, Littlefinger. Well played.
Nestor shakes Littlefinger’s hand and gives him a head nod.
Nestor: A toast to Lord Protector Baelish and his faithful service!
They have drinks and eventually, Lord Nestor and his entourage depart.
Sansa: Wow, I can’t believe that that blatantly obvious ploy for him to be on your side worked.
Littlefinger: Indeed. He knows that now if I’m deposed… he’s deposed too. Together, all these Arryn bannermen will oppose me. But if I divide them up one by one… make promises to them… divide and conquer… then I can win them all. And that, my sweet daughter, is how you play the Game of Thrones if you want to win—
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Sansa: Oh shit. This again?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of the Moon Door.
Sansa: Ugh. Where were we? Oh right. You were calling me your daughter again, which is a super weird thing to do in private. It’s just us two now. We don’t have to keep up the lie.
Littlefinger: Oh, but we do. Even in private. From now on, you must always be Alayne. You never know when someone might walk in or be listening. We’ve got to take this Alayne thing to the max now. Your chapters should now even be titled “Alayne” instead of “Sansa.”
Sansa: What? Really?
Littlefinger: Yes. After all, this book is already doing really stupid things with chapter names. Why not add another stupid thing? But anyway… with my wits and Cat’s beauty… the world will be yours!
Sansa: Creepy.
That night, Sansa goes to bed and this time she forgets to lock the door. She’s woken up… not by Marillion singing though. It’s damn Robert.
Robert: Alayne! Are you my new mommy now?
Sansa: Gross. No. I mean… uhh… yes, I guess I am? You know… a lie can be good if it’s for a good reason. I suppose. Although arguably I could suffocate you with a pillow when you sleep and say it's for a good reason too.
Marillion: I’m a barbie girl! In a barbie world! Life in plastic! It’s fantastic!
See? He’s just the worst, right? You can see how this would be totally annoying.
Sansa: OMG Littlefinger, make him stop. It’s haunting me and I already have a high tolerance for terrible pop music.
Littlefinger: Yes, you must since you’re engaged to a Jonas Brother. But alas, I can’t make him stop. I promised to allow it as one of the conditions of him going along with our story that he was the one who killed Lady Lysa in a fit of jealousy.
Sansa: It’s odd that he’s going along with our story considering that he’ll be executed if he goes along with it. Not that he doesn’t deserve it. You know, what with him being an overall horrible human being who tried to rape me, etc.
Littlefinger: Yes. Lord Nestor Royce, the High Steward of the Vale and the ACTING Keeper of the Gates of the Moon will arrive tomorrow. He will have many questions about the death of Lysa. Hopefully Marillion will long with our story. But even if he doesn’t, it’s still two against one. Who do you think Royce will believe? Everyone except for Lysa and little Robert hated Marillion anyway. I won’t let Royce harm my wonderful daughter!
Sansa: Uhh… but I’m not your daughter for real. Just for pretend.
Littlefinger: Yes, I know that. It’s more like you’re playing my stepdaughter in one of those dirty internet “Oops, I banged my stepdad” movies.
Sansa: No. A million times no.
Littlefinger: Anyway, we stick to the same story we told little Robert.
Sansa: Well, Robert fell for that story because he’s stupid as hell. Will Lord Nestor believe it? Besides, it’s a lie. And isn’t lying bad?
Littlefinger: A lie isn’t bad if it’s for the greater good.
Sansa: And what about all that stuff Lysa said right before she fell? You know, like about how you and her plotted together for years, killed her husband, and started off this whole storyline that caused my father to go south to become the new Hand of the King and which caused my entire family to die and the Kingdom to plunge into civil war.
Littlefinger: Eh, the ravings of a mad woman. You shouldn’t believe it.
Sansa: Are you sure?
Littlefinger: Of course, I would never lie to you!
Sansa: You just said that lies are good if they’re for the greater good. That implies you have a pretty pro-lie policy.
Littlefinger: Did I? Well never mind. I was lying about that.
Sansa: *sigh*
Sansa tries to sleep that night, but is again kept awake by Marillion and his terrible singing.
Marillion: *mumbles heavily auto-tuned rap*
Sansa: Oh God, that’s the worst. “Marillion” even sounds like the name of a mumble rapper.
After not sleeping again for another night, an exhausted Sansa then joins with Lord Protector Baelish as he meets with Lord Nestor.
Littlefinger: Lord Nester, it’s a pleasure.
Nester: Oh, Littlefinger. Please meet my son, Ser Albar.
Albar: Yo.
Littlefinger: And you please meet my natural daughter, Alayne.
Sansa: …
Littlefinger: *ahem* My daughter, Alayne.
Sansa: …
Littlefinger: *elbows Sansa*
Sansa: OH CRAP! That’s me? I mean… yeah. That’s me. Sorry. So sleepy.
Sansa might be tired, but she’s not so tired that she doesn’t notice that Nestor and Albor came with dozens of knights and soldiers. If Lord Nestor doesn’t believe their story about the death of Lysa, there will be hell to pay.
Littlefinger: Alayne, be a good girl and go fetch Lord Robert.
Sansa: Ugh. If I have to.
Sansa goes to get the young Robert, who is crying and complaining. Sansa hates this annoying brat, for obvious reasons. But with Lysa dead, he’s been even worse. Some nights he crawled into her bed and tried to use her as his wet nurse. He also pees the bed a lot because he’s the worst. Needless to say, Sansa has started locking her door to keep him out.
Sansa: Come on, you have to go meet with Lord Nestor.
Robert: No! I don’t want to! Lord Nester is stupid and ugly. I’m afraid of him.
Sansa: Come on, you have to go to the High Hall now and sit in the big chair for the important, brave leader of the Vale.
Robert: No, that’s where mommy died! I don’t wanna go to the High Hall.
Sansa: Whatever.
She grabs his ass and drags him there anyway. As she walks in, she finds Baelish in the middle of explaining everything that happened.
Littlefinger: So you see, what had happened was, Marillion threw Lady Lysa out of the Moon Door. Isn’t that right, Lord Robert?
Robert: Yes. That bad singer man killed my mommy! Alayne and Petyr saw it!
Sansa is shaking as they tell the story. Lord Nestor notices.
Littlefinger: You see that? See how my daughter is still traumatized even thinking about it? She’s shaking with fear! Isn’t that right, Alayne?
Sansa: *crying* Y-y-yes?
Robert: FLY! I WANT TO SEE THE BAD MUSIC MAN FLY! AGHHH!!!!
He then falls onto the floor and starts to have another fit, convulsing around.
Littlefinger: Ugh, his poor Lordship. Have him sent back to bed to be leeched.
And Robert is taken away.
Nestor: Hrmmm…Well.
He stands there with a very contemplative look on his face. What will he say. Will he believe them?
Nestor: I never did trust that singer. He came along with that Imp Tyrion and was just the worst. I told Lysa to send him away, but she refused. And now look what happened.
Littlefinger: Yes Nestor, you’re a very smart man. If only Lysa would have listened to you, my dear wife would still be alive! I came along… and I finally got her to agree to kick him out. And so she finally told him that he was banished. That’s when he went into the fit of rage and threw her out the Moon Door.
Nestor: Yes. Sounds legit. Still. I guess we should let the man speak for himself. Bring him out!
And Marillion is marched out form his cell to speak about what happened.
Nestor: Go on, singer. Tell us how it went down.
Sansa is still shaking. What is this dude gonna say? He's going to be executed if he confesses so why confess? Oh that's right... Sansa figures it out when she sees him. It's so that he's executed QUICKLY and painlessly instead of slowly tortured.
As He’s brought out, Sansa sees that his eyes have been gouged out and some of his fingers removed. I mean maybe some people will feel a little for him. But those people are wrong. This dude totally deserved all of that, even if he is innocent of the particular thing he’s being charged with.
Marillion: Yes! I did it! I was so jealous of Lord Baelish taking Lysa from me. Oh, I loved her so and I killed her when she said she was going to send me away! PLEASE GOD END MY LIFE NOW.
Littlefinger: See?
Nestor: Yes, yes. It all adds up. Send him away.
Marillion is led back to his cell.
Nestor: Well, I suppose Marillion should be put out of his damn misery soon.
Littlefinger: Indeed. Let’s talk more up in Lady Lysa’s solar. My dear Alayne, come pour wine for us.
They head up to the solar, and this time Sansa remembers that she is Alayne and follows.
In the solar, they talk further.
Nestor: You know, all of the bannermen to the Arryns will want to come here and confirm the story as well. My cousin, Bronze Yohn will be especially skeptical of you. He has not been happy with the fact that you have been named Lord Protector. He was not happy that you married Lady Lysa in the first place.
Littlefinger: Wait, which one is Bronze Yohn? Is that the guy who keeps complaining about his son Waymar who went missing in the very first chapter of this entire series?
Nestor: Yep, that’s the one.
Littlefinger: Well, I guess he’ll just have to listen to reason and evidence. Oh, by the way… before Lysa was so tragically murdered you know what she said to me? She was like, “I love Lord Nestor so much! He’s the best! You know how he’s ACTING Keeper of the Gates of the Moon? That’s such BS! I want to make him the PERMANENT Keeper of the Gates, and make the title hereditary, so that it’s passed on to his children and his children’s children. This will create a new House and Title called the House Royce of the Gates of the Moon.”
Lord Nestor begins to tear up with happiness.
Nestor: I… I… I can’t believe she said that! It’s so… so… wonderful! WOW! I never knew Lady Lysa respected and loved me so much!
Littlefinger: Oh, it’s true. It’s all totally true. And here is a parchment she had drawn up to make it all official. But you know what happened right before she signed it? That asshole Marillion murdered her.
Nestor: TERRIBLE!
Littlefinger: So I, as the Lord Protector of the Vale until Robert comes of age, fulfilled Lady Lysa’s final wishes and plans and I signed it in her place. You and your family will be a House of Great Nobility, and Keepers of the Gate for all time.
Nestor: YESSSS!!!!!
Littlefinger: BUT...
Nestor: …Oh, there is an “but” here?
Littlefinger: Yes, unfortunately so. BUT if your cousin, Bronze Yohn, and the other bannermen of the House Arryn declare me as a false and untrustworthy Lord Protector… then of course anything like this that I signed will be declared null and void. Then your cousin and the others will try to rob you of this noble and meaningful title that Lady Lysa wanted you to have. Those greedy relatives will probably claim it for themselves and say something like, “This title belongs to the Arryns and has for all time. It should NOT go to Lord Nestor.”
Nestor: GASP! That’s awful! Those monsters want to steal this title from me.
Littlefinger: Indeed, they probably do. So I guess really the only way for you to protect your title and to get everything you and your family deserve is to remain totally loyal to me and be on my side.
Nestor nods his head.
Nestor: Well fucking played, Littlefinger. Well played.
Nestor shakes Littlefinger’s hand and gives him a head nod.
Nestor: A toast to Lord Protector Baelish and his faithful service!
They have drinks and eventually, Lord Nestor and his entourage depart.
Sansa: Wow, I can’t believe that that blatantly obvious ploy for him to be on your side worked.
Littlefinger: Indeed. He knows that now if I’m deposed… he’s deposed too. Together, all these Arryn bannermen will oppose me. But if I divide them up one by one… make promises to them… divide and conquer… then I can win them all. And that, my sweet daughter, is how you play the Game of Thrones if you want to win—
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Sansa: Oh shit. This again?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of the Moon Door.
Sansa: Ugh. Where were we? Oh right. You were calling me your daughter again, which is a super weird thing to do in private. It’s just us two now. We don’t have to keep up the lie.
Littlefinger: Oh, but we do. Even in private. From now on, you must always be Alayne. You never know when someone might walk in or be listening. We’ve got to take this Alayne thing to the max now. Your chapters should now even be titled “Alayne” instead of “Sansa.”
Sansa: What? Really?
Littlefinger: Yes. After all, this book is already doing really stupid things with chapter names. Why not add another stupid thing? But anyway… with my wits and Cat’s beauty… the world will be yours!
Sansa: Creepy.
That night, Sansa goes to bed and this time she forgets to lock the door. She’s woken up… not by Marillion singing though. It’s damn Robert.
Robert: Alayne! Are you my new mommy now?
Sansa: Gross. No. I mean… uhh… yes, I guess I am? You know… a lie can be good if it’s for a good reason. I suppose. Although arguably I could suffocate you with a pillow when you sleep and say it's for a good reason too.
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