Cersei is supper annoyed by all these bells ringing.
Cersei: UGH! FUCKING CHRISTMAS BELLS! Is this another damn Christmas chapter? I simply can’t deal with that. Christmas is over, people.
Qyburn: No, the bells are ringing for the death of the High Septon.
Cersei: Oh right. Because I had him murdered by Osney Kettleblack because Lancel confessed sleeping with me to him.
Qyburn: That seems like a reasonable thing to do. But then again you are talking to a serial killing person who does experiments on dead bodies. So take it with a grain of salt.
Cersei: So what’s on my schedule for today?
Qyburn: Oh, these guys over here say they’ve found Tyrion and have brought you his head.
Cersei: Ugh. This again? Well… show it to me, idiots.
The guys, who are a rough-looking group of bandits, pull a rotting head out of a bag.
Cersei: Nope.
Guy: What do you mean “nope?!” It’s Tyrion, surely! Look at it! It’s the head of an Imp!
Cersei: Yeah, it does look like it’s the head of an Imp, doesn’t it? It might actually be one. Which means you murdered an innocent Imp. Which is actually a step up from most of the heads brought to me, which are clearly just the heads of murdered street children that someone brings in to claim is an Imp.
Guy: Well how do you know it’s not him?
Cersei: Uh… cuz I know what my brother looks like.
Guy: Well the head is kind of rotten, ya see. It looks a bit different now.
Cersei: This head has a nose. Tyrion’s nose what cut off in the Battle of the Blackwater.
Guy: Well… ahh… maybe it grew back, you see?
Cersei: …
Guy: …
Cersei: …
Guy: Okay, well. I guess I’ll be leaving then. Sorry.
He leaves, and all Cersei can think about is the prophecy of Maggy the Frog – who told her that the “Valonqar” would kill her, the word roughly translating as “little brother.” Until Cersei sees Tyrion dead… she will never feel safe.
Qyburn: Worry not about the Imp, your majesty. My spies are looking for Tyrion everywhere. I have taken over Varys’s spy network with ease. Soon he shall be found.
Cersei: Good, good. Now about that little task I gave you… cleaning the skull of the Mountain for presentation to Prince Doran.
Qyburn: Yes, it has been done, your Grace.
Cersei: So, since you have his skull… I guess that mean he’s finally dead, huh?
Qyburn: Well, you know…
Cersei: What does that mean? It’s a yes or no answer.
Qyburn: It’s a bit more complicated than that, honestly.
Cersei: Uh. Okay. That’s a weird response. But we need to get to the small council meeting, so we’ll continue this discussion later.
They go to the meeting.
Pycelle: HEY! What is he doing here?! Qyburn has been stripped of his Maester’s chain! He is a discredited charlatan! He should not be here!
Cersei: Oh… did you not hear? Qyburn is the new Varys. Today is a the day I hand out new titles to EVERYONE!!!
Lord Orton Merryweather: Horray! Just like Christmas presents!
Cersei: NO! I SAID NO CHRISTMAS JOKES FOR THIS POST, DAMNIT!
Merryweather looks sad.
Cersei: But the titles will be given out. Merryweather… you are my Justicar!
Merryweather: Huzzah!
Cersei: Lord Gyles Rosby? You shall be the Master of Coin.
Rosby: Oh, thank you, your maj-*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Aurane Waters shall be my—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Waters will be—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Aura—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH* COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: He’ll be my Grand Admiral. And he also gets a free pass to by bed whenever he wants.
Aurane Waters: Well, I'll—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: And, as for the Hand of the King, that shall be Ser Harys Swyft!
Swyft: What an honor, Cersei. Surely I shall not fail you with—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Whatever, don’t be too happy about it, Harys. You’re pretty much just a hostage to use against my Uncle Kevan.
Swyft: What was that?
Cersei: Nothing. I said nothing. Now, what business does the council have to discuss?
Pycelle: Shouldn’t the small council wait until the Lord Commander of the Kingguard arrives, your Grace?
Cersei: Jaime? No. Fuck him.
Voice from Corner: *I hear you already have*
Cersei: I HEARD THAT!
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*
Pycelle: Well, erm… to begin the business of the meeting, we have reports that there is still unrest in Dorne.
Cersei: That will be ended soon enough. I am sending Ser Balon Swann to deliver the Mountain’s skull to Prince Doran. And to, you know, do some other stuff too. But that’s not worth mentioning in this meeting.
Mwahaha! Secret plans!!!
Swyft: The Mountain is dead finally?
Cersei: Well… uhm… I mean… Qyburn, I’m going to let you handle this one.
Qyburn: Dead? Alive? I mean why must the world be so black and white like that? The point is that he doesn’t need his skull anymore. I suggest we end it at that and move on to the next order of business on the agenda.
Merryweather: What of the matter of the new High Septon? He must be replaced soon!
Cersei: Ugh. High Septon, Shmigh Schmepton. I don’t care who it is, so long as he blesses my death notice on Tyrion. NEXT!
Pycelle: There is also the matter of Littlefinger. He writes to us saying that Bronze Yohn Royce is leading a group of Lords of the Vale to confront him and remove him as Lord Protector. The funny thing about the note is that Littlefinger’s tone is very unworried. He’s not asking for help or reinforcements or anything.
Cersei: I don’t care who rules the Vale, but no harm must come of Lord Baelish. NEXT!
Pycelle: There is the matter of a proposed alliance with the ironborn. Although nobody quite knows who we would be aligning with, what with Balon Greyjoy being dead now.
Cersei: He has been fighting our common foes in the North. Is not the enemy of our enemy our friend?
Pycelle: Yes, but your Lord Father Tywin has promised the North to Roose Bolton. The ironborn wish it for themselves.
Cersei: Good point. Forget those filthy squid bastards. What we really need to do is restore our fleet to greatness. We surely have the money to do that. Isn’t that right, new Master of Coin?
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: I’m going to take that to mean, “no?” So here is what I will do. The tithings we owe to the Holy Faith and the interest payments we owe to the Iron Bank of Braavos will be… uhh… let’s just say “deffered” until after the war is over.
Pycelle: The Iron Bank is not gentle with its debtors, your grace.
Cersei: I’m about to not be gentle with your face, you old sack of shit. Lannisters aren’t known to be gentle either. Just ask Robb Stark. OH WAIT. YOU CAN’T!
Swyft: Ah… about that, your grace. There is this… terrible and OBVIOUSLY FALSE rumor going around that the Lannisters had something to do with that. Lies, totally, I’m sure since it was all Lord Frey. But the smallfolk are blaming you.
Qyburn: Yes, and vast the number of “sparrows” who are now flooding Kings Landing and travel the countryside tell this tale if the Lannisters being connected to wickedness and sin. They say that the death of Robb Stark when he was invited as a guest is an affront to the gods and the kingdom shall be punished.
Cersei: Well… uhm… yeah. I guess. Lord Walder will need to face judgment for that though. It has nothing to do with the crown.
Qyburn: Correct. Even though just a moment ago you strongly implied that it did.
Cersei: …
Aurane Waters: UHHHH--- Another matter! Lord Stannis has apparently found some way to pay the Golden Company enough money so that they are willing to break their contract with Myr and bring them across the sea. This is highly unusual, as the Golden Company is famous for never breaking their contracts.
Cersei: I have heard the rumors of the contract breaking too, you sexy hunk of man meat. But what I heard is not that they were allied with Stannis – but were now heading to Volantis for some reason. It concerns us not. Let the affairs of Essos remain in Essos. They have nothing to do with us.
Pycelle: But Stannis does concern us still, even if the Golden Company is not allied with him. They say he is seeking to ally with the Wildlings from beyond the wall.
Cersei: Hahaha, that’s stupid as hell. A pathetic attempt that reeks of desperation. He will never be able to ally with the North, I have assurances of that.
Pycelle: Oh?
Cersei: Yes. Apparently Stannis sent some “Onion Knight” to meet with Lord Wyman Manderly, that eel-eating fatass. Manderly sent word to us that he has locked up the Onion Knight in chains. I sent word back that the Iron Throne would forgive his past transgressions against us such as his alliance with the Starks if he executes the Onion Knight.
OH SNAP! What’s going on with Davos?! Looks like we have to wait for another book though, because he has no POV chapters in this one!
Cersei: Speaking about the filthy Starks, how about a general Stark-watch update?
Qyburn: Still no word on Sansa being found. As for that fake version of “Arya Stark” we are sending to Winterfell to marry Lord Bolton’s bastard son, plans are proceeding well with her. And the bastard Stark child… the one who has been made Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…
Cersei: YES! He’s the worst of them all. He dares to ally with Stannis and then demand that we send recruits to him? The fool! I will never do such a thing!
Qyburn: If I may… your grace… perhaps we SHOULD send recruits to him.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Qyburn: Yes. But secret recruits, tasked with removing him from command and appointing a new, more loyal, Lord Commander.
Cersei: Oh, oh that’s good Qyburn. See? That’s why I like him. Anyone else have any other business?
Aurane Waters: Yes, I hear rumors of dragons across the sea. Sailors have seen—
Cersei: --HAHAH, okay. Let me stop you there, Waters. So beautiful, but so dumb. You need to stop believing all this shit you hear. Okay, that’s it. Everyone get the hell out of here. And Rosby… try not to die on your way out.
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei then goes back to her bedchambers, and eventually orders Ser Osney Kettleblack to come.
Osney: What’s up?
Cersei: Wanna have sex?
Osney: Uhh… YES.
He starts unzipping (sure, let's say zippers have been invented), but Cersei stops him.
Cersei: Not so fast. Indeed, all this sweet, sweet Queen vagina can be yours. And all you have to do FIRST is seduce Margaery.
Osney: Wait. You want me to have sex with your daughter-in-law? Tommen’s wife? This seems like the plot of some really bad porno.
Cersei: It’s simple. You seduce her and she makes love to you. Then she has committed treason against the King and she can be executed. There is no way that the Tyrells could object if we have proof. Tommen will be free to marry another.
Osney: Good plan, but I see a bit of a problem there. You know what happens to the man who sleeps with the King’s wife? He’s commiting treason too and is also executed.
Cersei: Oh, Osney! I would never let that happen to you. You will be allowed to take up the black and I will send you to the Wall. That’s not the end of the story though. It’s just the beginning. There at the Wall I will have a mission for you… to kill a bastard boy in league with Stannis! And once that’s all over, you shall have a royal pardon. And a Lordship. And me.
Osney: This seems like an overly complicated plot where I will have to do a lot of crazy stuff and just trust that I’ll be pardoned on two different occasions all to eventually just have sex with you.
Cersei: Sex with me… and a Lordship.
Osney: And I guess sex with Margaery too. She’s pretty hot as well.
Cersei: HEY!!!!
Osney: Uhm… I mean sure. Yeah. I’ll do it.
Cersei: Good! Good! Well, better go seduce away!
She sends Ser Osney off and then orders Lady Merryweather to come in.
Teana: Hey Cersei! What do you want?
Cersei: I need you to be all subtle with Maergery, telling her that she has a secret admirer amount the Kingsguard who totes has a crush on her. It’s Osney. But don’t let her know immediately. Tease it out slowly.
Teana: Yeah, okay. I’m just the sort of duplicitous bitch you want for that type of job.
Cersei goes to sleep happy, and dreaming of her definite and absolute victory that’s coming soon because she’s an absolute mastermind and in NO WAY WILL ANY OF THIS PLOTTING ALL COME TO BACKFIRE ON HER.
Cersei: UGH! FUCKING CHRISTMAS BELLS! Is this another damn Christmas chapter? I simply can’t deal with that. Christmas is over, people.
Qyburn: No, the bells are ringing for the death of the High Septon.
Cersei: Oh right. Because I had him murdered by Osney Kettleblack because Lancel confessed sleeping with me to him.
Qyburn: That seems like a reasonable thing to do. But then again you are talking to a serial killing person who does experiments on dead bodies. So take it with a grain of salt.
Cersei: So what’s on my schedule for today?
Qyburn: Oh, these guys over here say they’ve found Tyrion and have brought you his head.
Cersei: Ugh. This again? Well… show it to me, idiots.
The guys, who are a rough-looking group of bandits, pull a rotting head out of a bag.
Cersei: Nope.
Guy: What do you mean “nope?!” It’s Tyrion, surely! Look at it! It’s the head of an Imp!
Cersei: Yeah, it does look like it’s the head of an Imp, doesn’t it? It might actually be one. Which means you murdered an innocent Imp. Which is actually a step up from most of the heads brought to me, which are clearly just the heads of murdered street children that someone brings in to claim is an Imp.
Guy: Well how do you know it’s not him?
Cersei: Uh… cuz I know what my brother looks like.
Guy: Well the head is kind of rotten, ya see. It looks a bit different now.
Cersei: This head has a nose. Tyrion’s nose what cut off in the Battle of the Blackwater.
Guy: Well… ahh… maybe it grew back, you see?
Cersei: …
Guy: …
Cersei: …
Guy: Okay, well. I guess I’ll be leaving then. Sorry.
He leaves, and all Cersei can think about is the prophecy of Maggy the Frog – who told her that the “Valonqar” would kill her, the word roughly translating as “little brother.” Until Cersei sees Tyrion dead… she will never feel safe.
Qyburn: Worry not about the Imp, your majesty. My spies are looking for Tyrion everywhere. I have taken over Varys’s spy network with ease. Soon he shall be found.
Cersei: Good, good. Now about that little task I gave you… cleaning the skull of the Mountain for presentation to Prince Doran.
Qyburn: Yes, it has been done, your Grace.
Cersei: So, since you have his skull… I guess that mean he’s finally dead, huh?
Qyburn: Well, you know…
Cersei: What does that mean? It’s a yes or no answer.
Qyburn: It’s a bit more complicated than that, honestly.
Cersei: Uh. Okay. That’s a weird response. But we need to get to the small council meeting, so we’ll continue this discussion later.
They go to the meeting.
Pycelle: HEY! What is he doing here?! Qyburn has been stripped of his Maester’s chain! He is a discredited charlatan! He should not be here!
Cersei: Oh… did you not hear? Qyburn is the new Varys. Today is a the day I hand out new titles to EVERYONE!!!
Lord Orton Merryweather: Horray! Just like Christmas presents!
Cersei: NO! I SAID NO CHRISTMAS JOKES FOR THIS POST, DAMNIT!
Merryweather looks sad.
Cersei: But the titles will be given out. Merryweather… you are my Justicar!
Merryweather: Huzzah!
Cersei: Lord Gyles Rosby? You shall be the Master of Coin.
Rosby: Oh, thank you, your maj-*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Aurane Waters shall be my—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Waters will be—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Aura—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH* COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: He’ll be my Grand Admiral. And he also gets a free pass to by bed whenever he wants.
Aurane Waters: Well, I'll—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: And, as for the Hand of the King, that shall be Ser Harys Swyft!
Swyft: What an honor, Cersei. Surely I shall not fail you with—
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: Whatever, don’t be too happy about it, Harys. You’re pretty much just a hostage to use against my Uncle Kevan.
Swyft: What was that?
Cersei: Nothing. I said nothing. Now, what business does the council have to discuss?
Pycelle: Shouldn’t the small council wait until the Lord Commander of the Kingguard arrives, your Grace?
Cersei: Jaime? No. Fuck him.
Voice from Corner: *I hear you already have*
Cersei: I HEARD THAT!
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*
Pycelle: Well, erm… to begin the business of the meeting, we have reports that there is still unrest in Dorne.
Cersei: That will be ended soon enough. I am sending Ser Balon Swann to deliver the Mountain’s skull to Prince Doran. And to, you know, do some other stuff too. But that’s not worth mentioning in this meeting.
Mwahaha! Secret plans!!!
Swyft: The Mountain is dead finally?
Cersei: Well… uhm… I mean… Qyburn, I’m going to let you handle this one.
Qyburn: Dead? Alive? I mean why must the world be so black and white like that? The point is that he doesn’t need his skull anymore. I suggest we end it at that and move on to the next order of business on the agenda.
Merryweather: What of the matter of the new High Septon? He must be replaced soon!
Cersei: Ugh. High Septon, Shmigh Schmepton. I don’t care who it is, so long as he blesses my death notice on Tyrion. NEXT!
Pycelle: There is also the matter of Littlefinger. He writes to us saying that Bronze Yohn Royce is leading a group of Lords of the Vale to confront him and remove him as Lord Protector. The funny thing about the note is that Littlefinger’s tone is very unworried. He’s not asking for help or reinforcements or anything.
Cersei: I don’t care who rules the Vale, but no harm must come of Lord Baelish. NEXT!
Pycelle: There is the matter of a proposed alliance with the ironborn. Although nobody quite knows who we would be aligning with, what with Balon Greyjoy being dead now.
Cersei: He has been fighting our common foes in the North. Is not the enemy of our enemy our friend?
Pycelle: Yes, but your Lord Father Tywin has promised the North to Roose Bolton. The ironborn wish it for themselves.
Cersei: Good point. Forget those filthy squid bastards. What we really need to do is restore our fleet to greatness. We surely have the money to do that. Isn’t that right, new Master of Coin?
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei: I’m going to take that to mean, “no?” So here is what I will do. The tithings we owe to the Holy Faith and the interest payments we owe to the Iron Bank of Braavos will be… uhh… let’s just say “deffered” until after the war is over.
Pycelle: The Iron Bank is not gentle with its debtors, your grace.
Cersei: I’m about to not be gentle with your face, you old sack of shit. Lannisters aren’t known to be gentle either. Just ask Robb Stark. OH WAIT. YOU CAN’T!
Swyft: Ah… about that, your grace. There is this… terrible and OBVIOUSLY FALSE rumor going around that the Lannisters had something to do with that. Lies, totally, I’m sure since it was all Lord Frey. But the smallfolk are blaming you.
Qyburn: Yes, and vast the number of “sparrows” who are now flooding Kings Landing and travel the countryside tell this tale if the Lannisters being connected to wickedness and sin. They say that the death of Robb Stark when he was invited as a guest is an affront to the gods and the kingdom shall be punished.
Cersei: Well… uhm… yeah. I guess. Lord Walder will need to face judgment for that though. It has nothing to do with the crown.
Qyburn: Correct. Even though just a moment ago you strongly implied that it did.
Cersei: …
Aurane Waters: UHHHH--- Another matter! Lord Stannis has apparently found some way to pay the Golden Company enough money so that they are willing to break their contract with Myr and bring them across the sea. This is highly unusual, as the Golden Company is famous for never breaking their contracts.
Cersei: I have heard the rumors of the contract breaking too, you sexy hunk of man meat. But what I heard is not that they were allied with Stannis – but were now heading to Volantis for some reason. It concerns us not. Let the affairs of Essos remain in Essos. They have nothing to do with us.
Pycelle: But Stannis does concern us still, even if the Golden Company is not allied with him. They say he is seeking to ally with the Wildlings from beyond the wall.
Cersei: Hahaha, that’s stupid as hell. A pathetic attempt that reeks of desperation. He will never be able to ally with the North, I have assurances of that.
Pycelle: Oh?
Cersei: Yes. Apparently Stannis sent some “Onion Knight” to meet with Lord Wyman Manderly, that eel-eating fatass. Manderly sent word to us that he has locked up the Onion Knight in chains. I sent word back that the Iron Throne would forgive his past transgressions against us such as his alliance with the Starks if he executes the Onion Knight.
OH SNAP! What’s going on with Davos?! Looks like we have to wait for another book though, because he has no POV chapters in this one!
Cersei: Speaking about the filthy Starks, how about a general Stark-watch update?
Qyburn: Still no word on Sansa being found. As for that fake version of “Arya Stark” we are sending to Winterfell to marry Lord Bolton’s bastard son, plans are proceeding well with her. And the bastard Stark child… the one who has been made Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…
Cersei: YES! He’s the worst of them all. He dares to ally with Stannis and then demand that we send recruits to him? The fool! I will never do such a thing!
Qyburn: If I may… your grace… perhaps we SHOULD send recruits to him.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Qyburn: Yes. But secret recruits, tasked with removing him from command and appointing a new, more loyal, Lord Commander.
Cersei: Oh, oh that’s good Qyburn. See? That’s why I like him. Anyone else have any other business?
Aurane Waters: Yes, I hear rumors of dragons across the sea. Sailors have seen—
Cersei: --HAHAH, okay. Let me stop you there, Waters. So beautiful, but so dumb. You need to stop believing all this shit you hear. Okay, that’s it. Everyone get the hell out of here. And Rosby… try not to die on your way out.
Rosby: *COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Cersei then goes back to her bedchambers, and eventually orders Ser Osney Kettleblack to come.
Osney: What’s up?
Cersei: Wanna have sex?
Osney: Uhh… YES.
He starts unzipping (sure, let's say zippers have been invented), but Cersei stops him.
Cersei: Not so fast. Indeed, all this sweet, sweet Queen vagina can be yours. And all you have to do FIRST is seduce Margaery.
Osney: Wait. You want me to have sex with your daughter-in-law? Tommen’s wife? This seems like the plot of some really bad porno.
Cersei: It’s simple. You seduce her and she makes love to you. Then she has committed treason against the King and she can be executed. There is no way that the Tyrells could object if we have proof. Tommen will be free to marry another.
Osney: Good plan, but I see a bit of a problem there. You know what happens to the man who sleeps with the King’s wife? He’s commiting treason too and is also executed.
Cersei: Oh, Osney! I would never let that happen to you. You will be allowed to take up the black and I will send you to the Wall. That’s not the end of the story though. It’s just the beginning. There at the Wall I will have a mission for you… to kill a bastard boy in league with Stannis! And once that’s all over, you shall have a royal pardon. And a Lordship. And me.
Osney: This seems like an overly complicated plot where I will have to do a lot of crazy stuff and just trust that I’ll be pardoned on two different occasions all to eventually just have sex with you.
Cersei: Sex with me… and a Lordship.
Osney: And I guess sex with Margaery too. She’s pretty hot as well.
Cersei: HEY!!!!
Osney: Uhm… I mean sure. Yeah. I’ll do it.
Cersei: Good! Good! Well, better go seduce away!
She sends Ser Osney off and then orders Lady Merryweather to come in.
Teana: Hey Cersei! What do you want?
Cersei: I need you to be all subtle with Maergery, telling her that she has a secret admirer amount the Kingsguard who totes has a crush on her. It’s Osney. But don’t let her know immediately. Tease it out slowly.
Teana: Yeah, okay. I’m just the sort of duplicitous bitch you want for that type of job.
Cersei goes to sleep happy, and dreaming of her definite and absolute victory that’s coming soon because she’s an absolute mastermind and in NO WAY WILL ANY OF THIS PLOTTING ALL COME TO BACKFIRE ON HER.
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