Brienne arrives at Duskendale before dawn and awaits for the gates of the city to open. She’s there with a few other smallfolk and farmers. Finally she gets in and starts asking other people about this “totally not Sansa” person that she’s looking for.
No luck here either.
Captain: HEY YOU! GIANT WOMAN ASKING EVERYONE ABOUT SANSA STARK!
Brienne: Huh? Me?
Captain: Yeah. Who else would I be talking to? Are there any other giant women around here?
Brienne: I guess not, but I’m definitely NOT talking about Sansa Stark. I’m talking about my sister, a fair maid with auburn hair who might be traveling with a jester--
Captain: --Blah, blah blah. Sansa Stark. We get it. Everyone gets it. That’s not my reason for shouting at you though. I’m shouting at you about that shield you’re carrying. The one with the black bat on it, representing the House Lothston. You know we don’t appreciate Lothstons around here. You people are evil. We know all about the stories of Lady Danelle Lothston, who bathed in tubs of blood and presided over feasts of human flesh.
Brienne: Oh yeah, I met some guy on the road who was also complaining my bat shield thing. It’s not my house. Jaime Lannister found the shield in the armory of Harrenhal and gave it to me. I’m not a Lothston. It’s a good shield, but I’ve been meaning to have it repainted.
Captain: Really? Because you will not BELIEVE THIS COINCIDENCE! ACT NOW FOR ONLY $19.97, PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING, AND A NEWLY PAINTED SHIELD CAN BE YOURS! THIS DEAL IS SO CRAZY, MY SISTER WILL PROBABLY TAKE A LOSS ON IT.
Brienne: Oh, your sister is a shield painter, huh?
Captain: Yes.
Brienne: Do you just criticize everyone’s shields when they come into town as part of a scheme with your sister to use your powerful position as captain of the guards in this city to graft people off her profits?
Captain: Maybe a little.
Brienne: Still though. It does need to be painted.
Brienne goes to get it painted.
Captain’s Sister: What the hell?! Are you some kind of Lothston? You know Lady Danelle Lothston used to bath in tubs of the blood of--
Brienne: ---Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heard it all before. I’m not a Lothston. Just got a good quality used shield for a good price, e.g. free. Well, it sort of cost Jaime a hand and me several near rapes and murders. But other than that, free.
Captain’s Sister: Oh, so where are you from then?
Brienne: Tart----uhhhh… I mean, no. Not there. What’s that place that has, like, a sigil of a tree on a hill. And there is a big comet in the sky floating over the tree?
Captain’s Sister: Never heard of it. And I’m surprised you can’t remember the same of the place you’re from.
But Brienne has no idea where the sigil is actually from. It was just a shield she remembered that used to hang in her father’s armory when she was growing up. Maybe a sigil that is totally associated with Ser Duncan the Tall and all of GRRM’s prequel novels.
Brienne: Eh, just paint that.
Captain’s Sister: Okay, will do.
As the woman goes off to paint Brienne’s new Duncan the Tall shield, she checks into an inn and takes a bath. Because Lord be Remiss if GRRM didn’t describe every single scene where a female character bathes. The creeper.
Afterwards, she goes to the main fort of the town and asks to see the Lord of the Castle.
Brienne: I wish to see Lord Rykker.
Guard: Dumbass. Lord Rykker is out with Lord Picard... uh... I mean Tarley. He’s not even in this town. He’s at Maidenpool.
Brienne: Oh. Can I see whoever is in charge then?
Guard: Eh, I guess you can see the Castellan.
She goes to see the Castellan, a man named Rufus Leek. But instead of seeing, Leek - she runs into the castle’s Maester. She tells him about the girl and man that she is looking for.
Maester: OMG. ANOTHER PERSON LOOKING FOR DONTOS HOLLARD?
Brienne: -wwwhhhaaaaaa? You mean someone else is looking for Dont...err… I mean nooooo, I’m not looking for Dontos at all. I’m looking for someone else.
Maester: Yes you are.
Brienne: Okay, fine. I am.
She pulls out a letter with Tommen’s signature (that Jaime had put together), explaining that she was on the King’s business.
Maester: Whatever. Let me tell you the story of about how Lord Darklyn captures King Aerys, and made sure that his Hand, Lord Tywin, was unable to capture him back for six months. Then after Tywin finally did break through, the Darklyns were all executed. The Hollards who served the Darklyns, were also stripped of titles and/or killed. All except for Dontos, who Barristan the Bold specifically asked to be spared. Dontos never returned to Duskendale after that. So why you’re looking for him here, I have no idea. Because he’s not. If you ask me, he’s gone to Oldtown or he’s crossed the narrow sea and left the Seven Kingdoms completely.
Brienne: Oh.
Brienne thinks about it. But she doubts that Sansa would go to Oldtown or cross the sea. Wouldn’t she want to go somewhere that she had family? I mean, all of her family is dead. But still. She’s a northerner with northern gods.
Brienne: I guess there is her half brother on the Wall. But that’s probably too far. Then there is her great uncle at Riverrun. No. That’s probably too much in the front lines of the war for Sansa to dare reach. I guess all that is left is Sansa’s aunt in the Vale. That would be fairly simple to get to, I suppose. Although this is clearly a conclusion I could have reached on my own a very long time ago after I set out from Kings Landing, rather than travelling all over the place looking for Dontos, only to ignore the advise of people who told me the places Dontos would go.
Brienne leaves the castle and accidently heads into a dead-end alley. As she heads out, she runs into a young boy.
*BUMP*
Brienne: OW! Hey, watch where you’re going, kid.
Boy: Oh, sorry.
Brienne: Hey, you look sort of familiar. Have I met you befire?
Boy: Uhh… no?
Brienne: Oh, cool then.
She leaves and goes back to the inn where she was at before. She wants to get some food from the tavern part downstairs, and a septon who is a dwarf gives up his seat to her.
Brienne: Thank you, kind septon. Please tell me, have you seen [clearly descriptions of Sansa Stark and Dontos Hollard].
Dwarf Sparrow: Hrm. Well now, I haven’t seen any maid like you’ve described. But I have seen a fool dressed in motley like you’re saying.
Brienne: WHAT?! REALLY?! OMG, this is the first time I’ve had anyone say something even remotely close to “yes” as an answer to me! Where did you see him?!
Dwarf Sparrow: Maidenpool. At a pretty seedy place called the Stinking Goose. He was seeking passage for three to cross the narrow sea.
Brienne: Three?! THREE?! Oh, wow! There are three of them, huh? But who else would be with Dontos and Sansa? And why exactly were you, a Sparrow of the Faith of the Seven, hanging out in a seedy pub in Maidenpool?
Dwarf Sparrow: Hey look, I go where sinners are. Ya hear me? Anyway, I don’t really have any more information about who this fool could be or who he was traveling with. But there was ANOTHER man at the same pub a few days later named “Nimble Dick,” and he was claiming that he “fooled a fool out of his gold.” So this Dick guy might have more information.
Brienne: Really? Really? Is that’s what happening here? A pious dwarf is telling me to go to Maidenpool to meet a guy named Nimble Dick? Am I being punked here? Am I going to go through with this? Although it is a good lead. Maybe the third person is Tyrion! Yeah! That’s possible!
Dwarf Sparrow: HEY! Why does talking to me, a dwarf, make you suddenly think of Tyrion?
Brienne: I… ahh… ermm…
Dwarf Sparrow: Haha, just messing with you. I’m not offended. I am a man of the faith, after all.
Brienne: Hrm. Maidenpool? On the one hand, that’s a pretty good lead. But on the other hand, Lord Randyll Tarly is there and I’ve had run-ins with him in the past. He hates me for a woman “trying to be a man.” His worldview was essentially that I could be cured with “a good few rapings.”
Dwarf Sparrow: Yeah, that sounds pretty consistent with the general portrayal of Sam’s dad in the books and the show. I don’t think anyone will mourn if one of Dany’s dragons sets him on fire.
Brienne: Still though, Maidenpool is on the water and has ships. If the story about the three fleeing to Essos doesn’t check out, I can still get on a ship and go North towards Winterfell.
As she reflects on things, she hears others in the bar talking about the murder of Lord Tywin. They say that the evil Kingslayer Jaime will probably now rule until Tommen comes of age. Once a Jaime-hater, Brienne is now angry that they’re talking smack about her pretend boyfriend. She angrily heads up to bed for the night, and has dreams about Renly and Jaime. You know what kind.
The next day, she goes to get her shield.
Captain’s Sister: Here you go. A tree with a comet. Cool, right?
Brienne: Yeah, it looks just like the one from my dad’s armory. Cool.
She then leaves town. As she does, she passes by a mass grave for dead northerners and stops to pray for the souls of all the dead Starks. She renews her vow to find Sansa and/or Arya, no matter what the cost.
She rides on for the day. All day long in fact. When night falls, she shelters in the ruins of an old castle. She notices an emblem on the wall.
Brienne: HOLY CONVENIENT COINCIDENCE! That emblem! I think it’s related to the Hollard family. This might be a clue. Maybe Dontos did come this way. Maybe… uh…
She gets quiet. She hears a horse in the distance. The dude riding the horse is trying to be all sneaky. But a horse can only be so stealthy.
Brienne: Probably Ser Shadrich, isn’t it? He’s probably come to gloat about all his shad that he has. He’s so rich in shad!
She jumps out from the shadows to attack Ser Shadrich when she sees---
Brienne: --SHADRICH! HOW DARE YOU FOLLOW ME! I WILL NOW KILL--- oh, oh no wait. It’s that boy. That boy that ran into me in the alley. The one I’ve seen before. Several times. But I can’t recognize from where. Who are you? Tell me, boy!
Boy: M-m-my my name i-is-is P-p-p-p-p
Brienne: Oh gosh, this is going to take forever. Your name is Pee Pee?
Boy: Podrick Payne.
Brienne: Ah, faster than I thought. Pray tell one question though - who the fuck is Podrick Payne and why should I know you?
Pod: Oh, I’m Tyrion Lannister’s former squire. My master. He disappeared.
Brienne: And what exactly does that have to do with you stalking me?
Pod: Well, his lady wife. Sansa. You’re looking for her, right? Tyrion vanished too. So I figured maybe if I could find his wife, I could find him.
Brienne: Ah. Well, I guess this is now a buddy comedy.
No luck here either.
Captain: HEY YOU! GIANT WOMAN ASKING EVERYONE ABOUT SANSA STARK!
Brienne: Huh? Me?
Captain: Yeah. Who else would I be talking to? Are there any other giant women around here?
Brienne: I guess not, but I’m definitely NOT talking about Sansa Stark. I’m talking about my sister, a fair maid with auburn hair who might be traveling with a jester--
Captain: --Blah, blah blah. Sansa Stark. We get it. Everyone gets it. That’s not my reason for shouting at you though. I’m shouting at you about that shield you’re carrying. The one with the black bat on it, representing the House Lothston. You know we don’t appreciate Lothstons around here. You people are evil. We know all about the stories of Lady Danelle Lothston, who bathed in tubs of blood and presided over feasts of human flesh.
Brienne: Oh yeah, I met some guy on the road who was also complaining my bat shield thing. It’s not my house. Jaime Lannister found the shield in the armory of Harrenhal and gave it to me. I’m not a Lothston. It’s a good shield, but I’ve been meaning to have it repainted.
Captain: Really? Because you will not BELIEVE THIS COINCIDENCE! ACT NOW FOR ONLY $19.97, PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING, AND A NEWLY PAINTED SHIELD CAN BE YOURS! THIS DEAL IS SO CRAZY, MY SISTER WILL PROBABLY TAKE A LOSS ON IT.
Brienne: Oh, your sister is a shield painter, huh?
Captain: Yes.
Brienne: Do you just criticize everyone’s shields when they come into town as part of a scheme with your sister to use your powerful position as captain of the guards in this city to graft people off her profits?
Captain: Maybe a little.
Brienne: Still though. It does need to be painted.
Brienne goes to get it painted.
Captain’s Sister: What the hell?! Are you some kind of Lothston? You know Lady Danelle Lothston used to bath in tubs of the blood of--
Brienne: ---Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heard it all before. I’m not a Lothston. Just got a good quality used shield for a good price, e.g. free. Well, it sort of cost Jaime a hand and me several near rapes and murders. But other than that, free.
Captain’s Sister: Oh, so where are you from then?
Brienne: Tart----uhhhh… I mean, no. Not there. What’s that place that has, like, a sigil of a tree on a hill. And there is a big comet in the sky floating over the tree?
Captain’s Sister: Never heard of it. And I’m surprised you can’t remember the same of the place you’re from.
But Brienne has no idea where the sigil is actually from. It was just a shield she remembered that used to hang in her father’s armory when she was growing up. Maybe a sigil that is totally associated with Ser Duncan the Tall and all of GRRM’s prequel novels.
Brienne: Eh, just paint that.
Captain’s Sister: Okay, will do.
As the woman goes off to paint Brienne’s new Duncan the Tall shield, she checks into an inn and takes a bath. Because Lord be Remiss if GRRM didn’t describe every single scene where a female character bathes. The creeper.
Afterwards, she goes to the main fort of the town and asks to see the Lord of the Castle.
Brienne: I wish to see Lord Rykker.
Guard: Dumbass. Lord Rykker is out with Lord Picard... uh... I mean Tarley. He’s not even in this town. He’s at Maidenpool.
Brienne: Oh. Can I see whoever is in charge then?
Guard: Eh, I guess you can see the Castellan.
She goes to see the Castellan, a man named Rufus Leek. But instead of seeing, Leek - she runs into the castle’s Maester. She tells him about the girl and man that she is looking for.
Maester: OMG. ANOTHER PERSON LOOKING FOR DONTOS HOLLARD?
Brienne: -wwwhhhaaaaaa? You mean someone else is looking for Dont...err… I mean nooooo, I’m not looking for Dontos at all. I’m looking for someone else.
Maester: Yes you are.
Brienne: Okay, fine. I am.
She pulls out a letter with Tommen’s signature (that Jaime had put together), explaining that she was on the King’s business.
Maester: Whatever. Let me tell you the story of about how Lord Darklyn captures King Aerys, and made sure that his Hand, Lord Tywin, was unable to capture him back for six months. Then after Tywin finally did break through, the Darklyns were all executed. The Hollards who served the Darklyns, were also stripped of titles and/or killed. All except for Dontos, who Barristan the Bold specifically asked to be spared. Dontos never returned to Duskendale after that. So why you’re looking for him here, I have no idea. Because he’s not. If you ask me, he’s gone to Oldtown or he’s crossed the narrow sea and left the Seven Kingdoms completely.
Brienne: Oh.
Brienne thinks about it. But she doubts that Sansa would go to Oldtown or cross the sea. Wouldn’t she want to go somewhere that she had family? I mean, all of her family is dead. But still. She’s a northerner with northern gods.
Brienne: I guess there is her half brother on the Wall. But that’s probably too far. Then there is her great uncle at Riverrun. No. That’s probably too much in the front lines of the war for Sansa to dare reach. I guess all that is left is Sansa’s aunt in the Vale. That would be fairly simple to get to, I suppose. Although this is clearly a conclusion I could have reached on my own a very long time ago after I set out from Kings Landing, rather than travelling all over the place looking for Dontos, only to ignore the advise of people who told me the places Dontos would go.
Brienne leaves the castle and accidently heads into a dead-end alley. As she heads out, she runs into a young boy.
*BUMP*
Brienne: OW! Hey, watch where you’re going, kid.
Boy: Oh, sorry.
Brienne: Hey, you look sort of familiar. Have I met you befire?
Boy: Uhh… no?
Brienne: Oh, cool then.
She leaves and goes back to the inn where she was at before. She wants to get some food from the tavern part downstairs, and a septon who is a dwarf gives up his seat to her.
Brienne: Thank you, kind septon. Please tell me, have you seen [clearly descriptions of Sansa Stark and Dontos Hollard].
Dwarf Sparrow: Hrm. Well now, I haven’t seen any maid like you’ve described. But I have seen a fool dressed in motley like you’re saying.
Brienne: WHAT?! REALLY?! OMG, this is the first time I’ve had anyone say something even remotely close to “yes” as an answer to me! Where did you see him?!
Dwarf Sparrow: Maidenpool. At a pretty seedy place called the Stinking Goose. He was seeking passage for three to cross the narrow sea.
Brienne: Three?! THREE?! Oh, wow! There are three of them, huh? But who else would be with Dontos and Sansa? And why exactly were you, a Sparrow of the Faith of the Seven, hanging out in a seedy pub in Maidenpool?
Dwarf Sparrow: Hey look, I go where sinners are. Ya hear me? Anyway, I don’t really have any more information about who this fool could be or who he was traveling with. But there was ANOTHER man at the same pub a few days later named “Nimble Dick,” and he was claiming that he “fooled a fool out of his gold.” So this Dick guy might have more information.
Brienne: Really? Really? Is that’s what happening here? A pious dwarf is telling me to go to Maidenpool to meet a guy named Nimble Dick? Am I being punked here? Am I going to go through with this? Although it is a good lead. Maybe the third person is Tyrion! Yeah! That’s possible!
Dwarf Sparrow: HEY! Why does talking to me, a dwarf, make you suddenly think of Tyrion?
Brienne: I… ahh… ermm…
Dwarf Sparrow: Haha, just messing with you. I’m not offended. I am a man of the faith, after all.
Brienne: Hrm. Maidenpool? On the one hand, that’s a pretty good lead. But on the other hand, Lord Randyll Tarly is there and I’ve had run-ins with him in the past. He hates me for a woman “trying to be a man.” His worldview was essentially that I could be cured with “a good few rapings.”
Dwarf Sparrow: Yeah, that sounds pretty consistent with the general portrayal of Sam’s dad in the books and the show. I don’t think anyone will mourn if one of Dany’s dragons sets him on fire.
Brienne: Still though, Maidenpool is on the water and has ships. If the story about the three fleeing to Essos doesn’t check out, I can still get on a ship and go North towards Winterfell.
As she reflects on things, she hears others in the bar talking about the murder of Lord Tywin. They say that the evil Kingslayer Jaime will probably now rule until Tommen comes of age. Once a Jaime-hater, Brienne is now angry that they’re talking smack about her pretend boyfriend. She angrily heads up to bed for the night, and has dreams about Renly and Jaime. You know what kind.
The next day, she goes to get her shield.
Captain’s Sister: Here you go. A tree with a comet. Cool, right?
Brienne: Yeah, it looks just like the one from my dad’s armory. Cool.
She then leaves town. As she does, she passes by a mass grave for dead northerners and stops to pray for the souls of all the dead Starks. She renews her vow to find Sansa and/or Arya, no matter what the cost.
She rides on for the day. All day long in fact. When night falls, she shelters in the ruins of an old castle. She notices an emblem on the wall.
Brienne: HOLY CONVENIENT COINCIDENCE! That emblem! I think it’s related to the Hollard family. This might be a clue. Maybe Dontos did come this way. Maybe… uh…
She gets quiet. She hears a horse in the distance. The dude riding the horse is trying to be all sneaky. But a horse can only be so stealthy.
Brienne: Probably Ser Shadrich, isn’t it? He’s probably come to gloat about all his shad that he has. He’s so rich in shad!
She jumps out from the shadows to attack Ser Shadrich when she sees---
Brienne: --SHADRICH! HOW DARE YOU FOLLOW ME! I WILL NOW KILL--- oh, oh no wait. It’s that boy. That boy that ran into me in the alley. The one I’ve seen before. Several times. But I can’t recognize from where. Who are you? Tell me, boy!
Boy: M-m-my my name i-is-is P-p-p-p-p
Brienne: Oh gosh, this is going to take forever. Your name is Pee Pee?
Boy: Podrick Payne.
Brienne: Ah, faster than I thought. Pray tell one question though - who the fuck is Podrick Payne and why should I know you?
Pod: Oh, I’m Tyrion Lannister’s former squire. My master. He disappeared.
Brienne: And what exactly does that have to do with you stalking me?
Pod: Well, his lady wife. Sansa. You’re looking for her, right? Tyrion vanished too. So I figured maybe if I could find his wife, I could find him.
Brienne: Ah. Well, I guess this is now a buddy comedy.
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