Remember how in that last Cersei chapter that Jaime was standing vigil over his father’s corpse in the Sept of Baelor? Well, he still is in this chapter.
Jaime: Oh man, this is totally my fault. I helped Tyrion escape from prison and he murdered our father. This is super messed up. I thought Varys was going to take Tyrion to a ship. Not to take him up to murder my dad. I’m so riddled with guilt that I can’t even sleep.
Someone Near By: Huh? What was that?
Jaime: NOTHING! I said nothing! Anyway, I haven’t seen Varys either. It wasn’t part of the plan for Varys to vanish too. Just Tyrion. Maybe Tyrion killed Varys too. Tyrion did confess to killing Joffrey, after all. Maybe he really is the monster they all said he is.
Jaime then flashes back to earlier, when he was deep in the tunnels underneath the Red Keep. He was leading a party of men who had to search for how Tyrion might have escaped. Of course, Jaime knows damn well how Tyrion escaped because he was part of the plot to get him out. But he has to, you know, pretend. It’s pretty hilarious how the guy who set Tyrion free is also assigned to lead a bunch of men to figure out how Tyrion got free. More like a Song of Irony and Fire, am I right?
Jaime thinks about how he was down in the tunnels he saw those dragon bones, and when he saw those dragon bones he flashed back again. Yep, that’s right. This is a flashback INSIDE OF A FLASHBACK! Jaime is now in the Sept, flashing back to the tunnels, to when he flashed back to to Robert’s Rebellion.
Jaime: Well, Rhaegar was right about one thing. Big changes did come. Didn’t they?
Someone Near By: Dude, are you talking to me? It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re just mumbling to yourself.
Jaime: Oh, uh… sorry. I’m just sort of talking to my dad’s corpse.
Someone Near By: You’re weird dude, I’m leaving.
He leaves, which isn’t a narrative problem for the story going forward because I just made him up and he’s not actually in the Chapter.
Jaime: *sigh* You know, in one sense I’m riddled by guilt about being a part of you getting murdered by Tyrion, dad. But in another sense I sort of feel no grief or anger at all. Should I feel sad? I didn’t feel sad when Joffrey died either. I threw that Bran kid out of a window and didn’t blink an eye. Am I a sociopath?
Probably.
Jaime: But then again, I’m probably not the only one who ISN’T sad about my dad dying. Hell, almost everyone who has come here to “pay their respects” to him probably are secretly glad that he’s dead. The only one who looked like he was legitimately grieving was Maester Pycelle. But then again that guy is such a Lannister Brown-Noser. He went on this long diatribe about how Tywin was a greater man than any of the six kings he has served. Which sounds kinda treasonous. Whatever. That old man is dying anyway. Cersei called him useless. But then again she calls everybody useless. Or treasonous. Because speaking of sociopaths… oh yeah… my sister is one. Those two turnkey guards who Varys gave the dreamwine to in order to make them drift off so that I could visit Tyrion? She’s already had them executed by the Kettleblacks. The Kettleblacks who are supposed to report to me. Jesus, man. I had to tell them to stop murdering people on Cersei’s orders. Lest everyone who lives in the Red Keep soon wind up executed.
Jaime then smells his dad. Oh, he’s been stinking the whole time. Jaime tried to put it off, but the smell has been getting worse. Jaime then goes into more flashback mode stuff about Brienne, taking his oaths to join the Kingsguard, etc. But I don’t have time to narrate and flash back to all of that too. You’ve read enough damn flashback nonsense for now.
Looking forwards, he again wonders what his legacy will be - what will be written about him in the Kingsguard White Book.
Jaime stands vigil pretty much forever. People try to relieve him of duty, but he refuses. Is it that whole guilt thing? Anyway. Even after everyone has gone, he’s still there. And I mean everyone. The place is dead empty and it’s the middle of the night. Nobody else… until someone sneaks in, hiding themselves in a cloak.
Cloaked Woman: Pssst! Jaime!
Jaime: Oh, hey Cersei.
Cersei: DAMNIT! Don’t say my name! I’m supposed to be in disguise.
Jaime: Oh, uh… hi… Not Cersei?
Cersei: Ugh. Look, I’ve come to tell you something important. Kevan knows about us.
Jaime: I’m pretty sure everyone knows about us.
Cersei: What? Really?
Jaime: Yeah.
Cersei: Tyrion must have told him! That’s the only way he could have known.
Jaime: No, stop being paranoid and blaming everything on Tyrion. It’s super obvious. Two guys named Logic and Common Sense told everyone.
Cersei: Who knows who else Tyrion told?! Probably the Tyrells, who he plotted with to escape!
Jaime: Are you even listening to my lines or are you just going on with your own version of the truth while disregarding any factual counterpoints I provide you?
Cersei: I need you, Jaime! You need to stay with me and help raise Tommen right. You need to be the Hand and council the King. You need to be with me! You told me you’d love me and you’d always be there for me.
Jaime: I mean, guys say a lot of things when they’re trying to get laid. And Tommen is only my kid in blood, but in no other way have I ever raised him. Basically what I’m trying to say though, is that I was made for the battlefield. Not for the council chamber.
Cersei: FINE! IF ITS BATTLES YOU WANT, THEN BATTLES YOU WILL GET! I’m gonna send you away off to war and get you out of my sight.
Jaime: As some sort of punishment?
Cersei: YES! MWAHAHA! See? Now I’ve gotten the best of you for your defiance! I’ve shown you! Cercei the all powerful regent rules again! No one can defy her mighty will!
Jaime: Well, uh… it’s a pretty bad punishment, considering it’s what I just asked for. I said I didn’t want to be the stupid Hand of the King and instead I’d rather go off to the battlefield. You want me to be the Hand. I want to go to war. Now you’re sending me to war. You’re not getting what you want. I am getting what I want. I think that means that I win.
Cercei: NO! IMPOSSIBLE! I WIN! I ALWAYS WIN! I AM A GENIUS!
Jaime: Okay, bye crazy lady.
She leaves.
Dawn comes and Jaime is still standing there. Only now Tywin is visibly rotting.
Jaime: Nasty.
Tommen then shows up again.
Tommen: Eww! This stinks. Grandpa smells like rotting poo. *vomits*
Jaime: I mean, he’s not wrong.
Jaime takes Tommen outside of the sept and pretends that he cares or has any loving feelings towards his biological son.
Jaime: There, there Tommen. It will be okay.
Tommen: I wasn’t scared, Uncle Jaime… I swear! It’s just the smell! It got to me.
Jaime: Yeah, no kidding. Your grandpa is a rotting bag of shit now. You know what else is a rotting bag of shit? Life. Life sucks and you gotta deal with it. Go back inside and stop being a little bitch.
Cersei shows up, and she’s angry again because she always is. Just as she’s about to say some snide shit, Mace Tyrell shows up.
Cersei: Oh… uhm… King Tommen ran away because he was overwhelmed with grief. That’s all.
Mace: Oh yes, yes. Of course.
Jaime then decides to mess with Cersei, just because he can and it would be hilarious.
Jaime: Hey sister! Didn’t you say how you had a lot of important business to discuss with Mace? Yeah… you said you wanted to have dinner with him tonight.
Cersei: The fuck I di--
Mace: --Oh, what a lovely idea! Yes, Queen Cersei! We have much to think of. What a kind offer. I’ll make the arrangements!
Mace leaves and Cersei turns back to Jaime.
Cersei: You total asshole.
Jaime: HAHAHAHA, THAT’S THE BEST!
Cersei: Why would you dare do that to me? You know I can’t stand that man.
Jaime: Hey look. Since you’re a completely worthless imbecile who comes up with the worst ideas, how about I just feed you some good ones that you will immediately take credit for? Meet with Tyrell. You hate him and you want him gone? You don’t want him to be Hand of the King? Tell him what a great and esteemed warrior he is, and that you’ll need him to capture Storm’s End. It will make his ego crazy and he’ll love you for it, although you’re getting exactly what you want - him away and not the Hand. He’ll take you throwing him away like garbage as a complement.
Cersei: Shut up, your idea is stupid. The Tyrells are not going to leave until Margaery is married to Tommen.
Jaime: Then MARRY THE TWO! Do it now. Tommen is a little boy and can’t consummate the marriage anyway. It will be years until he’s old enough to do so. In between now and then, if we decide that we don’t need or want the Tyrell alliance anymore… then we’ll find an excuse to break the marriage. It happens all the time.
Cersei then starts smiling.
Cersei: Hrm. Yes. Yes. We could. This is a great plan that I JUST THOUGHT OF. Plus there is a chance that Tyrell will be killed if he goes off to war anyway. I AM A BRILLIANT TACTICAL GENIUS. MY PLAN CANNOT FAIL.
Jaime: Your plan? *sigh*
Jaime: Oh man, this is totally my fault. I helped Tyrion escape from prison and he murdered our father. This is super messed up. I thought Varys was going to take Tyrion to a ship. Not to take him up to murder my dad. I’m so riddled with guilt that I can’t even sleep.
Someone Near By: Huh? What was that?
Jaime: NOTHING! I said nothing! Anyway, I haven’t seen Varys either. It wasn’t part of the plan for Varys to vanish too. Just Tyrion. Maybe Tyrion killed Varys too. Tyrion did confess to killing Joffrey, after all. Maybe he really is the monster they all said he is.
Jaime then flashes back to earlier, when he was deep in the tunnels underneath the Red Keep. He was leading a party of men who had to search for how Tyrion might have escaped. Of course, Jaime knows damn well how Tyrion escaped because he was part of the plot to get him out. But he has to, you know, pretend. It’s pretty hilarious how the guy who set Tyrion free is also assigned to lead a bunch of men to figure out how Tyrion got free. More like a Song of Irony and Fire, am I right?
Jaime thinks about how he was down in the tunnels he saw those dragon bones, and when he saw those dragon bones he flashed back again. Yep, that’s right. This is a flashback INSIDE OF A FLASHBACK! Jaime is now in the Sept, flashing back to the tunnels, to when he flashed back to to Robert’s Rebellion.
Young Jaime: Oh wow! Hey Prince Rhaegar.Back to the present…
Rhagar: Yo, whattup Jaime?
Jaime: Uhh… so you’re leaving, huh? You’re heading out to go fight Robert Baratheon on the battlefield?
Rhaegar: Yes, I am.
Jaime: And you’re saying that I need to be the one left behind to guard your dad, King Aerys II, while you take most of the other Kingsguard and soldiers with you out to battle?
Rhaegar: Yes, we will need fierce warriors to defend the realm from this rebellion. Plus some of the Kingsguard are needed to defend the heirs in the line to the throne.
Jaime: Right, an heir like yourself. I get that. But let’s just say one of the Kingsguard, like your best friend Arthur Dayne, was sent to the Tower of Joy in Dorne instead of with you. Why would that make sense? Shouldn’t the Kingsguard only be protecting the King and his heirs?
Rhaegar: Just shut up Jaime, and get to the point.
Jaime: I mean I’m a teenager. Why leave me behind to protect the King?
Rhaegar: You’re leverage, Jaime. My father is scared of your father and he knows with you in his power, Lord Tywin will never think about joining forces with Robert Baratheon. Because, you know, there was that little rumor going around that he would. Like, something about him being super angry and spiteful for all these years, given that my dad chose to marry me to Elia Martell rather than your sister, as he had hoped.
Jaime: Mmm, this is some great backstory.
Rhaegar: Anyway, bro. Robert will be defeated soon, so we won’t have to worry about this kind of stuff for much longer. Hey man, I know my dad is batshit crazy these days. And I know things around Kings Landing have gotten hectic. But after I’m back from the war, I promise changes will be coming. That’s right, I’m going to call a Small Council meeting and make a number of long overdue changes!
Jaime: Okay, see you when you’re back from the war, which is going to happen! Have fun a the Trident!
Rhaegar: Cool. Don’t stab my dad while I’m gone.
Jaime: …
Rhaegar: HAHAHAHA!
Jaime: Oh. Right. A joke? Hahahha. Yeah. Good one, Rhaegar!
Of course, Rhagar never came back from the war. And Jaime did stab Rhaegar’s dad in the back. These types of things just happen.
Jaime: Well, Rhaegar was right about one thing. Big changes did come. Didn’t they?
Someone Near By: Dude, are you talking to me? It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re just mumbling to yourself.
Jaime: Oh, uh… sorry. I’m just sort of talking to my dad’s corpse.
Someone Near By: You’re weird dude, I’m leaving.
He leaves, which isn’t a narrative problem for the story going forward because I just made him up and he’s not actually in the Chapter.
Jaime: *sigh* You know, in one sense I’m riddled by guilt about being a part of you getting murdered by Tyrion, dad. But in another sense I sort of feel no grief or anger at all. Should I feel sad? I didn’t feel sad when Joffrey died either. I threw that Bran kid out of a window and didn’t blink an eye. Am I a sociopath?
Probably.
Jaime: But then again, I’m probably not the only one who ISN’T sad about my dad dying. Hell, almost everyone who has come here to “pay their respects” to him probably are secretly glad that he’s dead. The only one who looked like he was legitimately grieving was Maester Pycelle. But then again that guy is such a Lannister Brown-Noser. He went on this long diatribe about how Tywin was a greater man than any of the six kings he has served. Which sounds kinda treasonous. Whatever. That old man is dying anyway. Cersei called him useless. But then again she calls everybody useless. Or treasonous. Because speaking of sociopaths… oh yeah… my sister is one. Those two turnkey guards who Varys gave the dreamwine to in order to make them drift off so that I could visit Tyrion? She’s already had them executed by the Kettleblacks. The Kettleblacks who are supposed to report to me. Jesus, man. I had to tell them to stop murdering people on Cersei’s orders. Lest everyone who lives in the Red Keep soon wind up executed.
Jaime then smells his dad. Oh, he’s been stinking the whole time. Jaime tried to put it off, but the smell has been getting worse. Jaime then goes into more flashback mode stuff about Brienne, taking his oaths to join the Kingsguard, etc. But I don’t have time to narrate and flash back to all of that too. You’ve read enough damn flashback nonsense for now.
Looking forwards, he again wonders what his legacy will be - what will be written about him in the Kingsguard White Book.
Jaime stands vigil pretty much forever. People try to relieve him of duty, but he refuses. Is it that whole guilt thing? Anyway. Even after everyone has gone, he’s still there. And I mean everyone. The place is dead empty and it’s the middle of the night. Nobody else… until someone sneaks in, hiding themselves in a cloak.
Cloaked Woman: Pssst! Jaime!
Jaime: Oh, hey Cersei.
Cersei: DAMNIT! Don’t say my name! I’m supposed to be in disguise.
Jaime: Oh, uh… hi… Not Cersei?
Cersei: Ugh. Look, I’ve come to tell you something important. Kevan knows about us.
Jaime: I’m pretty sure everyone knows about us.
Cersei: What? Really?
Jaime: Yeah.
Cersei: Tyrion must have told him! That’s the only way he could have known.
Jaime: No, stop being paranoid and blaming everything on Tyrion. It’s super obvious. Two guys named Logic and Common Sense told everyone.
Cersei: Who knows who else Tyrion told?! Probably the Tyrells, who he plotted with to escape!
Jaime: Are you even listening to my lines or are you just going on with your own version of the truth while disregarding any factual counterpoints I provide you?
Cersei: I need you, Jaime! You need to stay with me and help raise Tommen right. You need to be the Hand and council the King. You need to be with me! You told me you’d love me and you’d always be there for me.
Jaime: I mean, guys say a lot of things when they’re trying to get laid. And Tommen is only my kid in blood, but in no other way have I ever raised him. Basically what I’m trying to say though, is that I was made for the battlefield. Not for the council chamber.
Cersei: FINE! IF ITS BATTLES YOU WANT, THEN BATTLES YOU WILL GET! I’m gonna send you away off to war and get you out of my sight.
Jaime: As some sort of punishment?
Cersei: YES! MWAHAHA! See? Now I’ve gotten the best of you for your defiance! I’ve shown you! Cercei the all powerful regent rules again! No one can defy her mighty will!
Jaime: Well, uh… it’s a pretty bad punishment, considering it’s what I just asked for. I said I didn’t want to be the stupid Hand of the King and instead I’d rather go off to the battlefield. You want me to be the Hand. I want to go to war. Now you’re sending me to war. You’re not getting what you want. I am getting what I want. I think that means that I win.
Cercei: NO! IMPOSSIBLE! I WIN! I ALWAYS WIN! I AM A GENIUS!
Jaime: Okay, bye crazy lady.
She leaves.
Dawn comes and Jaime is still standing there. Only now Tywin is visibly rotting.
Jaime: Nasty.
Tommen then shows up again.
Tommen: Eww! This stinks. Grandpa smells like rotting poo. *vomits*
Jaime: I mean, he’s not wrong.
Jaime takes Tommen outside of the sept and pretends that he cares or has any loving feelings towards his biological son.
Jaime: There, there Tommen. It will be okay.
Tommen: I wasn’t scared, Uncle Jaime… I swear! It’s just the smell! It got to me.
Jaime: Yeah, no kidding. Your grandpa is a rotting bag of shit now. You know what else is a rotting bag of shit? Life. Life sucks and you gotta deal with it. Go back inside and stop being a little bitch.
Cersei shows up, and she’s angry again because she always is. Just as she’s about to say some snide shit, Mace Tyrell shows up.
Cersei: Oh… uhm… King Tommen ran away because he was overwhelmed with grief. That’s all.
Mace: Oh yes, yes. Of course.
Jaime then decides to mess with Cersei, just because he can and it would be hilarious.
Jaime: Hey sister! Didn’t you say how you had a lot of important business to discuss with Mace? Yeah… you said you wanted to have dinner with him tonight.
Cersei: The fuck I di--
Mace: --Oh, what a lovely idea! Yes, Queen Cersei! We have much to think of. What a kind offer. I’ll make the arrangements!
Mace leaves and Cersei turns back to Jaime.
Cersei: You total asshole.
Jaime: HAHAHAHA, THAT’S THE BEST!
Cersei: Why would you dare do that to me? You know I can’t stand that man.
Jaime: Hey look. Since you’re a completely worthless imbecile who comes up with the worst ideas, how about I just feed you some good ones that you will immediately take credit for? Meet with Tyrell. You hate him and you want him gone? You don’t want him to be Hand of the King? Tell him what a great and esteemed warrior he is, and that you’ll need him to capture Storm’s End. It will make his ego crazy and he’ll love you for it, although you’re getting exactly what you want - him away and not the Hand. He’ll take you throwing him away like garbage as a complement.
Cersei: Shut up, your idea is stupid. The Tyrells are not going to leave until Margaery is married to Tommen.
Jaime: Then MARRY THE TWO! Do it now. Tommen is a little boy and can’t consummate the marriage anyway. It will be years until he’s old enough to do so. In between now and then, if we decide that we don’t need or want the Tyrell alliance anymore… then we’ll find an excuse to break the marriage. It happens all the time.
Cersei then starts smiling.
Cersei: Hrm. Yes. Yes. We could. This is a great plan that I JUST THOUGHT OF. Plus there is a chance that Tyrell will be killed if he goes off to war anyway. I AM A BRILLIANT TACTICAL GENIUS. MY PLAN CANNOT FAIL.
Jaime: Your plan? *sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment