Remember all that advice that Cersei was given about needing to put together a rush wedding between Tommen and Margaery? Well, much to Cersei’s resistance… that is happening. Right now.
Cersei: Ugh. I can’t believe this. Why did my father want this stupid alliance with the Tyrells?
Logic and Common Sense: Because it actually saved your life. Lord Tywin returned to save Kings Landing with the Tyrell army in tow.
Cersei: SHUT UP LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE! I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! And all this talk from the Tyrells that Tommen and Margaery should share a bed tonight? The boy is eight!
Jaime shows up.
Jaime: Yo. Look Cersei, everything is going to be fine. I am the Commander of the Kingsguard and I will not let anything bad happen to Tommen.
Cersei: NO! Tyrion is hiding somewhere in the castle surely! He’ll pop out and kill Tommen! I know it.
Jaime: So paranoid, dear sister. I’m sure Tyrion is long gone, sent on a secret boat to Essos with Varys.
Cersei: And how would you know that?
Jaime: I… um… am just guessing.
Cersei: That’s why I’m going to gather up all that wildfire that the pyromancers made for the Battle of the Blackwater and use it to BURN DOWN THE TOWER OF THE HAND! Yes, and we’ll move the entire court to Casterly Rock!
Jaime: Hrm. Okay. That sounds a bit crazy.
Later in the day, the ceremony happens. It’s super small and fast compared to Joffrey’s big event. She’s also angry that the Queen of Thorns made Tommen cloak Margaery in Baratheon colors instead of Lannister colors.
Logic and Common Sense: You know, even though making sure everyone THINKS Tommen is Robert Baratheon’s son is the whole key to the whole “legitimacy of Tommen” thing.
Cersei: I SAID SHUT UP, LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE! GET OUTTA HERE!
After the ceremony, it’s the dinner/feast time. This is also super small. Kevan comes up.
Kevan: Well, that was fun. I guess I’ll be leaving now.
Cersei: SAY WHAT?
Kevan: I’m going to Darry to wed Lancel to his new bride. And I’ve heard rumors that The Hound has gone and joined Beric Dondarrion’s outlaw brotherhood. I guess I should go out there and hunt him down and kill him and stuff.
Cersei: Yes, I guess you should. If you bring Tommen the Hound’s head, he will be ever so grateful.
Kevan: Well, you know, when a dog goes bad the fault lies with its master.
Cersei: …
Kevan: And by that, I mean Joffrey was an twisted, disgusting, maniacal, incest-born monster.
Cersei: Oh, oh I got it. I was just silent because I can’t believe you said that in front of me.
Kevan: Peace, bitch.
He flips her the finger, takes a drag off of a menthol Newport cigarette, and rolls out.
Cersei: GGRRRR!!!!!
Jaime: Now, now, Cersei. I know you’re angry… so do you want to hear some good news? The Queen of Thorns and most of the rest of the Tyrells are rolling out tomorrow. Mace Tyrell is going off to Stom’s End.
Cersei: Well Margaery will still be here. As will her stupid brother, Loras.
Speaking of the Tyrells, they walk up and Cersei has to tone down her complaining. Slightly.
Margaery: Oh, what a wonderful ceremony that was! So beautiful! And this reception is great too! I’m so happy to be married to Tommen. You have such a beautiful son, dear Cersei! You and I will be best friends from now on. It’s like now you’re MY MOTHER TOO!
Cersei: Must. Not. Kill. Must. Not. Kill.
Queen of Thorns: Beautiful Reception? WTF you talking about, Granddaughter? This is some crap. If only it could have been like the last reception where they incessantly played The Reigns of Castamere 70 thousand goddamn times. *pulls down shades*
Cersei: Oh, haha Queen of Sarcasm. Ha ha.
Yet the appearance of Margaery can’t help but give Cersei flashbacks. Flashbacks, yeah! Young Cersei: Oh hey, let’s go see this evil sorceress witch lady.
Cersei: Man, whatever. Forget that prophecy nonsense. Probably just a bunch of lies. Is this Margaery supposed to be more beautiful than me? I mean I’m Lena Hedley for God’s sake. No way is that Margaery girl cuter than me. It’s like in that “Snow White and the Huntsman” movie when the Queen was worried that a more beautiful woman was supposed to come along and replace her. The Queen was played by Charlize Theron and the supposedly more beautiful woman was Kristen Stewart. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Really? REALLY? Trust me, Charlize Theron. You didn’t have ANYTHING to worry about there. Sounds like the Magic Mirror was broken there. That Magic Mirror had the same accuracy as a Sarah Huckabee Sanders press conference.
Cersei looks over and sees Tommen drink a glass of wine. Afterwards, he gives a slight cough.
Cersei: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She jumps up from her seat and pushes the wine glass out of Tommen’s hand. She then starts doing the Heimlich maneuver on him.
Tommen: AGH!! *cough* STOP! MOM! *COUGH* STOP!
Jaime: Cersei, calm down! He just coughed a little bit on wine. It went down the wrong way.
Cersei: No… but… I… I… I… AGHH!!!!!!!!!
She runs out of the room, pulling her hair and hiding the fact that she’s crying.
Nobody dares follow her. Well, except for Lady Taena Merryweather.
Taena of Myr: Oh, hey there Queen.
Cersei: You again? Wow, aren’t you bold?
Taena: I see that some dust must have gotten in your eye. Here, have this.
She hands her a handkerchief.
Cersei: Yes. Dust. Of course.
Taena: If you want something else that might bring a tear to your eye, how about the fact that your maid Senelle has been acting as a spy for Margaery Tyrell?
Cersei: Hrm. Why would you tell me this? Don’t the Merryweathers serve the Tyrells?
Taena: My loyalty is to my husband and my son. Not to Highgarden.
Cersei: Hrm. Yes. Your sexy dark skinned self was the one who testified at Tyrion’s trial too. I really like you. If your story can be proven as true, you will be rewarded greatly.
Taena: Serving you, my Queen, is reward enough.
Logic and Common Sense: OH COME ON, CERSEI! SHE’S OBVIOUSLY FLATTERING YOUR SENSITIVE LITTLE EGO!
Cersei: SHHHHH!!!!!
Cersei returns to the reception for Tommen and pretends like nothing ever happen and that she didn’t just make a HUGE scene. Jaime quietly comes up again.
Jaime: See? Tommen is safe.
Cersei: No one who wears the crown is EVER safe.
Jaime: Uh, okay. So it looks like the dancing has started. Wanna dance, dear sister?
Cersei: No, get lost. How do you expect a man with one hand to lead?
Later in the night, others also ask to dance with Cersei out of politeness. She refuses them too. What does she do instead? Drink. More and more. Lots of drinking. However, someone does catch her eye – Aurane Waters, the bastard son of the House Velaryon of Driftmark.
Cersei: This seems like a good narrative place to insert factoids about how the House Velaryon came over with the Targaryens and is the only Valyrian family beyond the Targaryens to survive the Doom of Old Valayria. Aurane closely resembles the Targaryens and also has the distinctive white hair, purple eyes, etc. The Velaryons sometimes intermarried into the Targaryens after Aegon’s conquest. Why am I providing all this exposition? Is it to simply note how attracted I am to Aurane because I think he resembles Rhaegar and I was brought up being attracted to Rhaegar and thought it would be him I would marry? That would be the simplest reason why I am mentioning him. But GRRM always plays the long game with these random, background characters. Is there some plan for him? Does me thinking, “Oh, he looks a LOT like a Targaryen” lead to some future plot importance of Aurane? Will he be some secret Targaryen or something? No narrative information has ever been provided about his parents. His mother is completely unknown and the name of his House Velaryon father has not even been provided. Is that important?
Jaime: Who are you talking to, Cersei?
Cersei: SHH Jaime! SHH! It’s an aside! I’m entitled to have asides!
Jaime: You sound drunk.
Cersei: Maybe I am! *hiccup* Now let’s light a candle to celebrate this new union between by son Tommen and this stupid whore Margaery!
Jaime: Light a candle? What do you mean by—
But by the time Jaime finishes talking, Cersei has wandered outside and nods at Pyromancer Hallyne. He hands Cersei a hilariously large red detonator box with a plunger on it. It says "ACME" on the side. He pushes the plunger down, and it connects with a string over to the Tower of the Hand.
It explodes in a giant ball of green flame. Cersei stares at the flames, refusing to look away.
Cersei: So pretty. So. So. Pretty.
Jaime: Cersei. Cersei. ...CERSEI? ...Hello? ...Cersei? Oh geez, looks like this is foreshadowing something much darker to come along.
Cersei: Ugh. I can’t believe this. Why did my father want this stupid alliance with the Tyrells?
Logic and Common Sense: Because it actually saved your life. Lord Tywin returned to save Kings Landing with the Tyrell army in tow.
Cersei: SHUT UP LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE! I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! And all this talk from the Tyrells that Tommen and Margaery should share a bed tonight? The boy is eight!
Jaime shows up.
Jaime: Yo. Look Cersei, everything is going to be fine. I am the Commander of the Kingsguard and I will not let anything bad happen to Tommen.
Cersei: NO! Tyrion is hiding somewhere in the castle surely! He’ll pop out and kill Tommen! I know it.
Jaime: So paranoid, dear sister. I’m sure Tyrion is long gone, sent on a secret boat to Essos with Varys.
Cersei: And how would you know that?
Jaime: I… um… am just guessing.
Cersei: That’s why I’m going to gather up all that wildfire that the pyromancers made for the Battle of the Blackwater and use it to BURN DOWN THE TOWER OF THE HAND! Yes, and we’ll move the entire court to Casterly Rock!
Jaime: Hrm. Okay. That sounds a bit crazy.
Later in the day, the ceremony happens. It’s super small and fast compared to Joffrey’s big event. She’s also angry that the Queen of Thorns made Tommen cloak Margaery in Baratheon colors instead of Lannister colors.
Logic and Common Sense: You know, even though making sure everyone THINKS Tommen is Robert Baratheon’s son is the whole key to the whole “legitimacy of Tommen” thing.
Cersei: I SAID SHUT UP, LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE! GET OUTTA HERE!
After the ceremony, it’s the dinner/feast time. This is also super small. Kevan comes up.
Kevan: Well, that was fun. I guess I’ll be leaving now.
Cersei: SAY WHAT?
Kevan: I’m going to Darry to wed Lancel to his new bride. And I’ve heard rumors that The Hound has gone and joined Beric Dondarrion’s outlaw brotherhood. I guess I should go out there and hunt him down and kill him and stuff.
Cersei: Yes, I guess you should. If you bring Tommen the Hound’s head, he will be ever so grateful.
Kevan: Well, you know, when a dog goes bad the fault lies with its master.
Cersei: …
Kevan: And by that, I mean Joffrey was an twisted, disgusting, maniacal, incest-born monster.
Cersei: Oh, oh I got it. I was just silent because I can’t believe you said that in front of me.
Kevan: Peace, bitch.
He flips her the finger, takes a drag off of a menthol Newport cigarette, and rolls out.
Cersei: GGRRRR!!!!!
Jaime: Now, now, Cersei. I know you’re angry… so do you want to hear some good news? The Queen of Thorns and most of the rest of the Tyrells are rolling out tomorrow. Mace Tyrell is going off to Stom’s End.
Cersei: Well Margaery will still be here. As will her stupid brother, Loras.
Speaking of the Tyrells, they walk up and Cersei has to tone down her complaining. Slightly.
Margaery: Oh, what a wonderful ceremony that was! So beautiful! And this reception is great too! I’m so happy to be married to Tommen. You have such a beautiful son, dear Cersei! You and I will be best friends from now on. It’s like now you’re MY MOTHER TOO!
Cersei: Must. Not. Kill. Must. Not. Kill.
Queen of Thorns: Beautiful Reception? WTF you talking about, Granddaughter? This is some crap. If only it could have been like the last reception where they incessantly played The Reigns of Castamere 70 thousand goddamn times. *pulls down shades*
Cersei: Oh, haha Queen of Sarcasm. Ha ha.
Yet the appearance of Margaery can’t help but give Cersei flashbacks. Flashbacks, yeah! Young Cersei: Oh hey, let’s go see this evil sorceress witch lady.
Back in the present day.
Young Other Kids: Okay.
Maggy the Frog: Hi there kids! Shouldn’t you have some parental guidance.
Young Cersei: SHUT UP, WITCH! I want you to give me a prophecy! I want you to tell me whether I’ll be queen one day.
Maggy the Frog: You really have to ask in the form of a question. That’s how this works.
Young Cersei: Will I be Queen one day?
Maggy the Frog: Hrmmm… let’s see… *shakes Magic 8 ball* …Oh yeah, Queen you will be. Until comes another. Younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear!
Young Cersei: OH SHIT.
Cersei: Man, whatever. Forget that prophecy nonsense. Probably just a bunch of lies. Is this Margaery supposed to be more beautiful than me? I mean I’m Lena Hedley for God’s sake. No way is that Margaery girl cuter than me. It’s like in that “Snow White and the Huntsman” movie when the Queen was worried that a more beautiful woman was supposed to come along and replace her. The Queen was played by Charlize Theron and the supposedly more beautiful woman was Kristen Stewart. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Really? REALLY? Trust me, Charlize Theron. You didn’t have ANYTHING to worry about there. Sounds like the Magic Mirror was broken there. That Magic Mirror had the same accuracy as a Sarah Huckabee Sanders press conference.
Cersei looks over and sees Tommen drink a glass of wine. Afterwards, he gives a slight cough.
Cersei: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She jumps up from her seat and pushes the wine glass out of Tommen’s hand. She then starts doing the Heimlich maneuver on him.
Tommen: AGH!! *cough* STOP! MOM! *COUGH* STOP!
Jaime: Cersei, calm down! He just coughed a little bit on wine. It went down the wrong way.
Cersei: No… but… I… I… I… AGHH!!!!!!!!!
She runs out of the room, pulling her hair and hiding the fact that she’s crying.
Nobody dares follow her. Well, except for Lady Taena Merryweather.
Taena of Myr: Oh, hey there Queen.
Cersei: You again? Wow, aren’t you bold?
Taena: I see that some dust must have gotten in your eye. Here, have this.
She hands her a handkerchief.
Cersei: Yes. Dust. Of course.
Taena: If you want something else that might bring a tear to your eye, how about the fact that your maid Senelle has been acting as a spy for Margaery Tyrell?
Cersei: Hrm. Why would you tell me this? Don’t the Merryweathers serve the Tyrells?
Taena: My loyalty is to my husband and my son. Not to Highgarden.
Cersei: Hrm. Yes. Your sexy dark skinned self was the one who testified at Tyrion’s trial too. I really like you. If your story can be proven as true, you will be rewarded greatly.
Taena: Serving you, my Queen, is reward enough.
Logic and Common Sense: OH COME ON, CERSEI! SHE’S OBVIOUSLY FLATTERING YOUR SENSITIVE LITTLE EGO!
Cersei: SHHHHH!!!!!
Cersei returns to the reception for Tommen and pretends like nothing ever happen and that she didn’t just make a HUGE scene. Jaime quietly comes up again.
Jaime: See? Tommen is safe.
Cersei: No one who wears the crown is EVER safe.
Jaime: Uh, okay. So it looks like the dancing has started. Wanna dance, dear sister?
Cersei: No, get lost. How do you expect a man with one hand to lead?
Later in the night, others also ask to dance with Cersei out of politeness. She refuses them too. What does she do instead? Drink. More and more. Lots of drinking. However, someone does catch her eye – Aurane Waters, the bastard son of the House Velaryon of Driftmark.
Cersei: This seems like a good narrative place to insert factoids about how the House Velaryon came over with the Targaryens and is the only Valyrian family beyond the Targaryens to survive the Doom of Old Valayria. Aurane closely resembles the Targaryens and also has the distinctive white hair, purple eyes, etc. The Velaryons sometimes intermarried into the Targaryens after Aegon’s conquest. Why am I providing all this exposition? Is it to simply note how attracted I am to Aurane because I think he resembles Rhaegar and I was brought up being attracted to Rhaegar and thought it would be him I would marry? That would be the simplest reason why I am mentioning him. But GRRM always plays the long game with these random, background characters. Is there some plan for him? Does me thinking, “Oh, he looks a LOT like a Targaryen” lead to some future plot importance of Aurane? Will he be some secret Targaryen or something? No narrative information has ever been provided about his parents. His mother is completely unknown and the name of his House Velaryon father has not even been provided. Is that important?
Jaime: Who are you talking to, Cersei?
Cersei: SHH Jaime! SHH! It’s an aside! I’m entitled to have asides!
Jaime: You sound drunk.
Cersei: Maybe I am! *hiccup* Now let’s light a candle to celebrate this new union between by son Tommen and this stupid whore Margaery!
Jaime: Light a candle? What do you mean by—
But by the time Jaime finishes talking, Cersei has wandered outside and nods at Pyromancer Hallyne. He hands Cersei a hilariously large red detonator box with a plunger on it. It says "ACME" on the side. He pushes the plunger down, and it connects with a string over to the Tower of the Hand.
It explodes in a giant ball of green flame. Cersei stares at the flames, refusing to look away.
Cersei: So pretty. So. So. Pretty.
Jaime: Cersei. Cersei. ...CERSEI? ...Hello? ...Cersei? Oh geez, looks like this is foreshadowing something much darker to come along.
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