Ol Vicky Vick, Victarion Greyjoy (younger brother to the late Balon and very much alive Crow’s Eye Euron) thinks about the story of the first Kingsmoot as his ship, the Iron Victory, enters the bays of Old Wyk.
Vicky was initially hesitant to challenge his brother Euron for the crown, but after he heard that his other brother, Aeron the crazy religious fantatic, was calling for a new Kingsmoot… he decided that his chances for victory would be pretty good.
Vicky: Can you please stop calling me "Vicky?"
No.
As he comes into port he sees the Silence, Euron’s ship, already docked.
Nute the Barber: Huh, I wonder why it’s called “Silence.”
Vicky: Because Euron cuts out the tongues of everyone and makes them his slaves to man is crew.
Nute the Barber: Oh. That’s rough.
Vicky: Men! Seal this bay so that no ship may leave until the Kingsmoot is over. And you, Nute the Barber… go… go… cut some hair, I guess.
Nute the Barber: Booo!
Vicky docks and then goes ashore, where Aeron Damphair is waiting for him.
Aeron: Greetings, brother! Let us pray together for your victory. For you are a holy man, unlike our wanton and godless brother, Euron.
Vicky: Yes, I am indeed a good and holy man. As evidence by the fact that I BEAT MY WIFE TO DEATH AFTER EURON RAPED HER. THE PUNISHMENT FOR WOMEN BEING RAPED IS MURDER… OF THE RAPE VICTIM!
Aeron: Correct, we are religious conservatives, so that is what we believe. Although I guess you can kill Euron too, if you want. It would be a righteous and holy killing, in service to the drowned god.
Vicky: I made a vow not to kill my brother. No man is so loathed in the eyes of the drowned god as a kinslayer.
Aeron: Does “kin” include your wife? Because you were married to her. Which would make her “kin,” I believe. Kin being defined as family members and your wife obviously being a member of a family unit.
Vicky: Correction, I mean, “No man is so loathed in the eyes of the drowned god as a BLOODkinslayer.”
Aeron: Oh.
Some dude named Baelor Blacktyde then rolls up.
Baelor: Vicky! Promise me that you will end this mad war when you are crowned!
Vicky: Dude, don’t get me to commit to any specific campaign issues. I’m not that kind of politician. I’m the kind that speaks in vague terms, chants and ideas, lacking any specific policy.
Next Vicky runs into Asha.
Vicky: Hi Yara.
Asha: It’s Asha in the books, asshole. And you know who you are in the TV show? NOBODY BECAUSE YOUR WORTHLESS CHARACTER IS LEFT OUT.
Vicky: …
Asha: Do you think a character who is LEFT OUT of the TV show will really play any importance or win this Kingsmoot? No! And in the end… it will be a QUEENSMOOT!
Vicky: Are you drunk? Because no way a woman will win. Women are inferior creatures to men. What you need is a husband, not a crown.
Asha: Oh, like I’m going to take spousal advice from the person who MURDERED HIS WIFE.
Vicky: Yes, I have bad luck with women.
Asha: Bad luck? YOU MURDERED YOUR WIFE!!!!!!
Vicky: Only one of them. The other two died from childbirth and the pox.
Asha: If by “pox” you probably mean “a pox of your fists beating her to death.”
Vicky: No! That’s not true! Maybe. Possibly.
Asha: My claim is better than yours or Euron’s. I am Balon’s trueborn child. A king’s child takes precedence over his brothers.
And as she is saying that, look who else walks into the scene.
Euron “Crow’s Eye”: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, ASSHOLES?! EURON IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HOUSEEEE!!!!!
And unlike in the show, Euron is full-on badass pirate who even has an eyepatch. This dude is cool, but rude. Oh, and also COMPLETELY FUCKING EVIL!
Crow’s Eye: HEY VICKY!
Vicky: Don’t call me Vicky!
Crow’s Eye: Hey, got any more wives that I can fuck? Then I can watch you kill them after. That would be SWEET.
Vicky: I hate you, Crow’s Eye.
Crow’s Eye: That’s KING Crow’s Eye to you, shitface. See?
He points at the driftwood crown on his head, which he had quickly seized from Balon after he… uhh… “accidentally slipped into the water.”
Aeron: No godless man may sit on the Seastone Chair!
Crow’s Eye: You’re right, Aeron! It’s a good thing that I am the most godly man of all here. Even more godly than you!
Aeron: HAHAHAH! How so, you heathen?
Crow’s Eye: Well, I have traveled the world and seen many places. And by “seen” I mean “raped, murdered and pillaged.” And what’s common with all the people who I have raped, murdered and pillaged? They were all people of other cultures and other religions! As they prayed to their gods for salvation from me… no help came. Thus I proved all their gods false. Does that not make me a much holier and godly man than some white-bearded asshole who goes around drowning motherfuckers on the shores of the Iron Isles.
Since raping, murdering and pillaging is an inherent part of the Iron Isles religious belief system, everyone standing around nods their heads and agree with the Crow’s Eye’s solid logic.
Aeron angrily murmurs under his breath because HE JUST GOT OWNED. As everyone points at laughs at him, he spits and then rolls out like a bitch.
Asha: Oh, Uncle Euron! What suspicious timing you have… arriving at about the exact same time that Balon died.
Crow’s Eye: Yeah, ain’t that fucking crazy?
Asha: Maybe you should just admit to doing it like in the show?
Crow’s Eye: Nope. Hey niece, how about you shut up before I have one of my guys here turn you out.
Asha: I’d like to see them try. For you see, I’m already married… to this!
She pulls out her axe and pats it.
Asha: Any man who wishes to try me, must take it up with my husband first!
Crow’s Eye: So how does that work when you have sex? I’d imagine that could get pretty messy. I assume you use the wooden end, right? Because if you used the blade…
Asha: Sick, dude. It’s a fucking metaphor.
Crow’s Eye: I’m not good with cute metaphor stuff like that. I’m pretty direct and literal. My ship is the Silence, so I cut out everyone’s tongues. I call myself king, so I wear this crown. I say I’m going to rape and murder everyone… so I rape and murder everyone. See? Life is so much easier that way.
Vicky: There will be no bloodshed here! Euron, leave now!
Crow’s Eye: Sure, whatever dude. See you losers, later.
Euron leaves and Asha then asks Vicky to walk with her.
Asha: So Uncle, what the fuck is up with Euron? Why has he been gone for so long and why is he back now?
Vicky: Needless questions, Asha. What you need to concern yourself with now is the foolishness of your quest. The Ironborn will never accept a woman ruler.
Asha: Maybe… maybe you’re right. Together we sort of take votes away from one another, which will help Euron win. So how about this? You get to be King… but name me as your Hand, and I will help you rule!
Vicky: HAHAHAHA! A woman in a position of power?! NO! NO! Your role is to make babies and die in childbirth. Unless, of course, your husband gets slightly tired of you or another woman catches his eye. In that case, it’s okay if he viciously beats you to death. And if he is a godly man, then we will at times feel a very minor amount of remorse for it whilst personally accepting no blame and continuing to believe that he is in the moral right.
Asha: Wow. Just… wow. You’re so sexist that you are blind to the fact that you would be a HORRIBLE ruler. Are you a great warrior? Yes. But what is your plan for the war? You don’t have one… do you? You know how to battle when given orders to attack, but you’re not competent enough to think through strategies and which battles are the ones worth fighting. I am. I will make a treaty with the north to end this fighting, before the war becomes a total disaster for us.
Vicky: Peace with the north? No! We shall claim their kingdoms as ours!
Asha: Exactly how? Through what methods and strategies!
Vicky: By winning battles!
Asha: Wow, that is such a dumb fucking answer lacking any specifics. No, I guess I won’t be your Hand after all. I must claim the Seastone Chair for myself!!!
Vicky was initially hesitant to challenge his brother Euron for the crown, but after he heard that his other brother, Aeron the crazy religious fantatic, was calling for a new Kingsmoot… he decided that his chances for victory would be pretty good.
Vicky: Can you please stop calling me "Vicky?"
No.
As he comes into port he sees the Silence, Euron’s ship, already docked.
Nute the Barber: Huh, I wonder why it’s called “Silence.”
Vicky: Because Euron cuts out the tongues of everyone and makes them his slaves to man is crew.
Nute the Barber: Oh. That’s rough.
Vicky: Men! Seal this bay so that no ship may leave until the Kingsmoot is over. And you, Nute the Barber… go… go… cut some hair, I guess.
Nute the Barber: Booo!
Vicky docks and then goes ashore, where Aeron Damphair is waiting for him.
Aeron: Greetings, brother! Let us pray together for your victory. For you are a holy man, unlike our wanton and godless brother, Euron.
Vicky: Yes, I am indeed a good and holy man. As evidence by the fact that I BEAT MY WIFE TO DEATH AFTER EURON RAPED HER. THE PUNISHMENT FOR WOMEN BEING RAPED IS MURDER… OF THE RAPE VICTIM!
Aeron: Correct, we are religious conservatives, so that is what we believe. Although I guess you can kill Euron too, if you want. It would be a righteous and holy killing, in service to the drowned god.
Vicky: I made a vow not to kill my brother. No man is so loathed in the eyes of the drowned god as a kinslayer.
Aeron: Does “kin” include your wife? Because you were married to her. Which would make her “kin,” I believe. Kin being defined as family members and your wife obviously being a member of a family unit.
Vicky: Correction, I mean, “No man is so loathed in the eyes of the drowned god as a BLOODkinslayer.”
Aeron: Oh.
Some dude named Baelor Blacktyde then rolls up.
Baelor: Vicky! Promise me that you will end this mad war when you are crowned!
Vicky: Dude, don’t get me to commit to any specific campaign issues. I’m not that kind of politician. I’m the kind that speaks in vague terms, chants and ideas, lacking any specific policy.
Next Vicky runs into Asha.
Vicky: Hi Yara.
Asha: It’s Asha in the books, asshole. And you know who you are in the TV show? NOBODY BECAUSE YOUR WORTHLESS CHARACTER IS LEFT OUT.
Vicky: …
Asha: Do you think a character who is LEFT OUT of the TV show will really play any importance or win this Kingsmoot? No! And in the end… it will be a QUEENSMOOT!
Vicky: Are you drunk? Because no way a woman will win. Women are inferior creatures to men. What you need is a husband, not a crown.
Asha: Oh, like I’m going to take spousal advice from the person who MURDERED HIS WIFE.
Vicky: Yes, I have bad luck with women.
Asha: Bad luck? YOU MURDERED YOUR WIFE!!!!!!
Vicky: Only one of them. The other two died from childbirth and the pox.
Asha: If by “pox” you probably mean “a pox of your fists beating her to death.”
Vicky: No! That’s not true! Maybe. Possibly.
Asha: My claim is better than yours or Euron’s. I am Balon’s trueborn child. A king’s child takes precedence over his brothers.
And as she is saying that, look who else walks into the scene.
Euron “Crow’s Eye”: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, ASSHOLES?! EURON IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HOUSEEEE!!!!!
And unlike in the show, Euron is full-on badass pirate who even has an eyepatch. This dude is cool, but rude. Oh, and also COMPLETELY FUCKING EVIL!
Crow’s Eye: HEY VICKY!
Vicky: Don’t call me Vicky!
Crow’s Eye: Hey, got any more wives that I can fuck? Then I can watch you kill them after. That would be SWEET.
Vicky: I hate you, Crow’s Eye.
Crow’s Eye: That’s KING Crow’s Eye to you, shitface. See?
He points at the driftwood crown on his head, which he had quickly seized from Balon after he… uhh… “accidentally slipped into the water.”
Aeron: No godless man may sit on the Seastone Chair!
Crow’s Eye: You’re right, Aeron! It’s a good thing that I am the most godly man of all here. Even more godly than you!
Aeron: HAHAHAH! How so, you heathen?
Crow’s Eye: Well, I have traveled the world and seen many places. And by “seen” I mean “raped, murdered and pillaged.” And what’s common with all the people who I have raped, murdered and pillaged? They were all people of other cultures and other religions! As they prayed to their gods for salvation from me… no help came. Thus I proved all their gods false. Does that not make me a much holier and godly man than some white-bearded asshole who goes around drowning motherfuckers on the shores of the Iron Isles.
Since raping, murdering and pillaging is an inherent part of the Iron Isles religious belief system, everyone standing around nods their heads and agree with the Crow’s Eye’s solid logic.
Aeron angrily murmurs under his breath because HE JUST GOT OWNED. As everyone points at laughs at him, he spits and then rolls out like a bitch.
Asha: Oh, Uncle Euron! What suspicious timing you have… arriving at about the exact same time that Balon died.
Crow’s Eye: Yeah, ain’t that fucking crazy?
Asha: Maybe you should just admit to doing it like in the show?
Crow’s Eye: Nope. Hey niece, how about you shut up before I have one of my guys here turn you out.
Asha: I’d like to see them try. For you see, I’m already married… to this!
She pulls out her axe and pats it.
Asha: Any man who wishes to try me, must take it up with my husband first!
Crow’s Eye: So how does that work when you have sex? I’d imagine that could get pretty messy. I assume you use the wooden end, right? Because if you used the blade…
Asha: Sick, dude. It’s a fucking metaphor.
Crow’s Eye: I’m not good with cute metaphor stuff like that. I’m pretty direct and literal. My ship is the Silence, so I cut out everyone’s tongues. I call myself king, so I wear this crown. I say I’m going to rape and murder everyone… so I rape and murder everyone. See? Life is so much easier that way.
Vicky: There will be no bloodshed here! Euron, leave now!
Crow’s Eye: Sure, whatever dude. See you losers, later.
Euron leaves and Asha then asks Vicky to walk with her.
Asha: So Uncle, what the fuck is up with Euron? Why has he been gone for so long and why is he back now?
Vicky: Needless questions, Asha. What you need to concern yourself with now is the foolishness of your quest. The Ironborn will never accept a woman ruler.
Asha: Maybe… maybe you’re right. Together we sort of take votes away from one another, which will help Euron win. So how about this? You get to be King… but name me as your Hand, and I will help you rule!
Vicky: HAHAHAHA! A woman in a position of power?! NO! NO! Your role is to make babies and die in childbirth. Unless, of course, your husband gets slightly tired of you or another woman catches his eye. In that case, it’s okay if he viciously beats you to death. And if he is a godly man, then we will at times feel a very minor amount of remorse for it whilst personally accepting no blame and continuing to believe that he is in the moral right.
Asha: Wow. Just… wow. You’re so sexist that you are blind to the fact that you would be a HORRIBLE ruler. Are you a great warrior? Yes. But what is your plan for the war? You don’t have one… do you? You know how to battle when given orders to attack, but you’re not competent enough to think through strategies and which battles are the ones worth fighting. I am. I will make a treaty with the north to end this fighting, before the war becomes a total disaster for us.
Vicky: Peace with the north? No! We shall claim their kingdoms as ours!
Asha: Exactly how? Through what methods and strategies!
Vicky: By winning battles!
Asha: Wow, that is such a dumb fucking answer lacking any specifics. No, I guess I won’t be your Hand after all. I must claim the Seastone Chair for myself!!!
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