Ugh. Another fucking boring Victarion Greyjoy chapter? Okay, I guess we’ll just struggle through this one.
Vicky: HEY!
Shut up and stop acting like everybody doesn’t already know that you’re one of the reasons why this is the least popular of the books.
Vicky: *grumble*grumble*
We start in media res again, with Vicky in the middle of attacking an enemy ship at the Shield Islands.
Talbert Serry of Southshield: You’ll never defeat us, filthy squid people!
Vicky’s people totally defeat Serry’s.
Talbert: Oh. Nevermind then.
Talbert throws himself overboard, rather than being killed by Vicky.
Vicky: Uhh… dude. You’re wearing armor! You’ll probably drown!
And so he drowns. Probably.
Vicky: Uh. I wish Euron would be so easy to defeat.
Note: Euron absolutely could have been this easy to defeat, if Vicky had the balls to fight his brother rather than just give up and bend the knee to him like a little fucking bitch, which is exactly what he did once the kingsmoot was over.
Vicky: HEY! I can’t kill my brother! Killing your kin is frowned upon by the Drowned God. Unless, of course, your kin is your wife. Then it is okay to brutally murder them. Which I have done previously.
Vicky then goes downstairs in his ship and rapes a woman because he’s a horrible, unrelatable monster who will be left out of the TV show because he is, again, totally useless and an unnecessary part of the narrative. As he does this horrible actions, he has internal dialogue to bring forward the plot and let the reader know all about the Ironborn’s plans to invade the Seven Kingdoms and take the mouth of the Mander River. He also thinks about the kingsmoot, and believes that Euron must have some evil black wizards from Essos working for him, that used their evil black wizard magic to have Euron win the kingsmoot and divine all the plans to attack Westeos.
Vicky: And I just want to point out “black,” am indeed referring to their skin color and equating the fact that they are evil with the fact that they have dark skin color. In addition to murdering my wife and cowering before my brother while using “there is a ban on kinslaying” as an excuse to not face him because I’m actually very scared of him and know he would easily defeat me, I am also a violent racist.
Oh, then his internal narration about what happened between the Kingsmoot and now also reveals that Asha quickly ran away after the kingsmoot was over. So you got that? Asha is long gone.
Vicky’s ship returns to Oakenshield, which has been set up as a base of operations for the Iron Isles warriors. There, women and children of Oakenshield are being gathered up in chains to be sold as slaves. Because the whole “slavery” thing is cool with Vicky too, in case you couldn’t have guessed.
Vicky: Well, this base we’ve set up here in Lord Hewett’s Town will serve as a good place for us to launch further attacks up the Mander River. Soon we will take Highgarden!
Rodrik Harlaw: Hi, remember me? I’m Asha’s uncle, Rodrick. The one who likes reading instead of fighting. As a well educated person who knows strategy and stuff, I can say that this was probably a pretty stupid decision. Attacking the Tyrells is dumb and will lead to no good.
Vicky: SHUT UP! STUPID EDUCATED PEOPLE! What do they know? I want to attack SOON!
Rodrick: *sigh* Well, you’ll probably get your wish because that’s what Euron wants to do soon.
Nute the Barber: What the hell, Vicky? We won the battle here to capture the Shield Isles! Why is it that Euron’s men get all the rewards and not us?
Vicky: Because I am too much of a coward to stand up to my brothe---HEYYY! Narrator! STOP GIVING ME THIS DIALOGUE!
Later, they go to have a feast in the Great Hall. Euron is there and everything, so Vicky is totes uncomforatable and acting like a little cowering bitch.
Who else is there? Lord Hewett, the Lord of this place. Only he’s tied up to a chair as a prisoner and has to watch as his wife and daughters are all serving the ironborn as concubines / maids.
Vicky: Ugh. Even I’m not a horrible enough person to think this is okay. It’s one thing to brutally murder a person, which I fully support. But to humiliate them like this? That’s some level of sickness that only Euron is into. Not me. I’d have just done the respectful thing and murdered Lord Hewett and then raped/murdered his wife and daughters AFTER he was dead.
Euron: What was that you said, Vicky?
Vicky: NOTHING! I SAID NOTHING, BROTHER! I AM HUMBLED BEFORE YOU AND OBEY YOUR EVERY COMMAND!
He clenches, so as not to get hit.
Euron: Yeah, that’s what I thought, you little fuck.
Euron then stands up and claps his hands, to bring everyone to attention.
Euron: Well, I guess you all know why I’ve assembled you to this great hall here for a celebration, right? To celebrate our awesome victory here at the Shield Islands! And what a victory it was. Am I right? We took a LOT OF LANDS! Yes we did. A whole lot. But you know what? When you take lands… you also have to RULE those lands. So this isn’t just a party to celebrate our victory. I also want to announce who I, as King, shall be naming as the new LORDS OF THESE CAPTURED ISLANDS.
Everyone gets silent in anticipation.
Vicky: *grumbles* What bullshit. We all know he’s just going to give the lands to his ass-kissing yes men who are trying to take all the credit for my victories in battle.
Euron: The new lords of the isles shall be…. Drumroll, please…. Harras Harlaw, Andrik the Unsmiling, Maron Volmark and Nute the Barber!
Vicky: WHAAAAAA?
And who are these four people? Why… they just happen to be the top lieutenants of Rodrick, Dunstan Drumm, Black Harren, and Vicky himself. The four main leaders of the Iron Isles that sort of oppose / are resistant to Euron’s rule.
Nute the Barber: HEY! This is GREAT! I’m a Lord now! I’m a freaking LORD! And who did this for me? Not Vicky, who I have been a loyal follower of for a long time. But Euron! EURON THE KING! EURON IS THE BEST!
Vicky: OH SHIT. Euron has totally just undermined the ability of all his opponents to ever take action against him, because now their top men are all solidly bribed into obedience through lordships. EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! I bet those black wizards told him to do it!
Or Euron is just smarter than you.
Vicky: I HATE YOU NARRATOR! STOP CALLING ME VICKY! MY NAME IS VICATION! I AM THE REAVER! I AM A FIERCE WARRIOR OF THE SEAS WHO SPILLS THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!
Whatever, Vicky. Look out!!! Euron is about to smack you.
Vicky: AGH! NO!
He flinches.
Hahahah, just kidding, Vicky.
Vicky: I HATE YOU.
Euron: Okay, next order of business. Our next attack. Well, I’ll be sailing my fleet across the sea to find those dragons and get me that Dany pussy.
Captains: No! No! We need to continue plundering here in Westeros! We need to attack the Arbor next… or Oldtown!
Euron: Whatever.
Euron then leaves. After Euron is long gone and well out of ear-range…
Vicky: Ha, that’s right. You better leave. See how the captains don’t like your plans? That’s right. They’re turning against you, for sure!
Euron’s Soldier: Excuse me.
Vicky: AGH!!!! ONE OF EURON’S BLACK PEOPLE! Please don’t touch me or drink out of the same water fountain as me! AGHH!!!!
Euron’s Soldier: The King wishes to see you. Now.
And so Vicky goes scampering to his brother. He finds Euron in his chamber, almost completely naked, except he’s wearing a cloak and talking about how he can fly.
Vicky: *mumbles quietly* Maybe you should jump out that window and find out for sure.
Euron: Hhehehe, good one, you little pussy. I’m surprised you had the balls to say that. Now, I need you to help me win the captains over to my side. Why would they clamor for the mere grapes of the Arbor when they can have DRAGONS instead?
Vicky: First of all… why would I do that and help you? And second… the men want real victories! They want things that can touch and see. Grapes are real. Dragons are not.
Euron: Oh really? And what do you and those captains know of magic? I have seen magic with my own eyes, so I know dragons are real too. Remember that dragon horn that I had that guy blow at the kingsmoot? Well the dude who blew the horn FUCKING DIED from doing it. How magical is that?
Vicky: I think you and me have a different definition of what “magic” is. Blowing in a horn and dying is magic and therefore dragons exist? That’s a pretty far stretch.
Euron: I’ve held onto a dragon’s egg before. I tried a million things to make it hatch, but none worked. So I threw the egg into the sea during one of my fits of rage.
Vicky: Sounds like you need to be on lithium or something. Anyway, the voyage across the sea is too dangerous for an entire fleet.
Euron: Yes, good point. But I do need a wife who will give me proper heirs to the throne. The Targaryen girl is perfect, so I need her. So maybe the way we should go is to have a smaller portion of the fleet goes to her with my offer of marriage, while the rest stays behind to attack the countryside here.
Vicky: Okay, that could work.
Euron: And I’d like you to lead that smaller party that travels east to meet with Dany.
Vicky: WHAT?! ME?!
Euron: Yes. Sail to Slaver’s Bay to meet with this Dragon Queen and bring her back to me. Because once Dany and I are wed… we shall come back to Westeros and claim the IRON THRONE. When I have the Iron Throne, I will no longer need the Seastone Chair of the Iron Isles and someone else will need to rule here. I want that person to be… YOU!
Vicky: Why I… yes… yes… of course, Euron. I shall.
And so Vicky leaves the room with his new orders.
Vicky: HAHAHAHA! Oh, that moron! He’s sending me off to get the Targaryen girl? I’m just going to show up there and FLIP THE DEAL on old Euron. He had sex with my wife and so I had to kill her. That means he OWES me a new wife. So I’ll take the Targaryen girl for myself!
Yes. This is a plan that shall obviously work. She’ll obviously be attracted to a rapist, sexist, racist, murdering guy with an inferiority complex about his brother.
Vicky: Please stop mocking me.
Vicky: HEY!
Shut up and stop acting like everybody doesn’t already know that you’re one of the reasons why this is the least popular of the books.
Vicky: *grumble*grumble*
We start in media res again, with Vicky in the middle of attacking an enemy ship at the Shield Islands.
Talbert Serry of Southshield: You’ll never defeat us, filthy squid people!
Vicky’s people totally defeat Serry’s.
Talbert: Oh. Nevermind then.
Talbert throws himself overboard, rather than being killed by Vicky.
Vicky: Uhh… dude. You’re wearing armor! You’ll probably drown!
And so he drowns. Probably.
Vicky: Uh. I wish Euron would be so easy to defeat.
Note: Euron absolutely could have been this easy to defeat, if Vicky had the balls to fight his brother rather than just give up and bend the knee to him like a little fucking bitch, which is exactly what he did once the kingsmoot was over.
Vicky: HEY! I can’t kill my brother! Killing your kin is frowned upon by the Drowned God. Unless, of course, your kin is your wife. Then it is okay to brutally murder them. Which I have done previously.
Vicky then goes downstairs in his ship and rapes a woman because he’s a horrible, unrelatable monster who will be left out of the TV show because he is, again, totally useless and an unnecessary part of the narrative. As he does this horrible actions, he has internal dialogue to bring forward the plot and let the reader know all about the Ironborn’s plans to invade the Seven Kingdoms and take the mouth of the Mander River. He also thinks about the kingsmoot, and believes that Euron must have some evil black wizards from Essos working for him, that used their evil black wizard magic to have Euron win the kingsmoot and divine all the plans to attack Westeos.
Vicky: And I just want to point out “black,” am indeed referring to their skin color and equating the fact that they are evil with the fact that they have dark skin color. In addition to murdering my wife and cowering before my brother while using “there is a ban on kinslaying” as an excuse to not face him because I’m actually very scared of him and know he would easily defeat me, I am also a violent racist.
Oh, then his internal narration about what happened between the Kingsmoot and now also reveals that Asha quickly ran away after the kingsmoot was over. So you got that? Asha is long gone.
Vicky’s ship returns to Oakenshield, which has been set up as a base of operations for the Iron Isles warriors. There, women and children of Oakenshield are being gathered up in chains to be sold as slaves. Because the whole “slavery” thing is cool with Vicky too, in case you couldn’t have guessed.
Vicky: Well, this base we’ve set up here in Lord Hewett’s Town will serve as a good place for us to launch further attacks up the Mander River. Soon we will take Highgarden!
Rodrik Harlaw: Hi, remember me? I’m Asha’s uncle, Rodrick. The one who likes reading instead of fighting. As a well educated person who knows strategy and stuff, I can say that this was probably a pretty stupid decision. Attacking the Tyrells is dumb and will lead to no good.
Vicky: SHUT UP! STUPID EDUCATED PEOPLE! What do they know? I want to attack SOON!
Rodrick: *sigh* Well, you’ll probably get your wish because that’s what Euron wants to do soon.
Nute the Barber: What the hell, Vicky? We won the battle here to capture the Shield Isles! Why is it that Euron’s men get all the rewards and not us?
Vicky: Because I am too much of a coward to stand up to my brothe---HEYYY! Narrator! STOP GIVING ME THIS DIALOGUE!
Later, they go to have a feast in the Great Hall. Euron is there and everything, so Vicky is totes uncomforatable and acting like a little cowering bitch.
Who else is there? Lord Hewett, the Lord of this place. Only he’s tied up to a chair as a prisoner and has to watch as his wife and daughters are all serving the ironborn as concubines / maids.
Vicky: Ugh. Even I’m not a horrible enough person to think this is okay. It’s one thing to brutally murder a person, which I fully support. But to humiliate them like this? That’s some level of sickness that only Euron is into. Not me. I’d have just done the respectful thing and murdered Lord Hewett and then raped/murdered his wife and daughters AFTER he was dead.
Euron: What was that you said, Vicky?
Vicky: NOTHING! I SAID NOTHING, BROTHER! I AM HUMBLED BEFORE YOU AND OBEY YOUR EVERY COMMAND!
He clenches, so as not to get hit.
Euron: Yeah, that’s what I thought, you little fuck.
Euron then stands up and claps his hands, to bring everyone to attention.
Euron: Well, I guess you all know why I’ve assembled you to this great hall here for a celebration, right? To celebrate our awesome victory here at the Shield Islands! And what a victory it was. Am I right? We took a LOT OF LANDS! Yes we did. A whole lot. But you know what? When you take lands… you also have to RULE those lands. So this isn’t just a party to celebrate our victory. I also want to announce who I, as King, shall be naming as the new LORDS OF THESE CAPTURED ISLANDS.
Everyone gets silent in anticipation.
Vicky: *grumbles* What bullshit. We all know he’s just going to give the lands to his ass-kissing yes men who are trying to take all the credit for my victories in battle.
Euron: The new lords of the isles shall be…. Drumroll, please…. Harras Harlaw, Andrik the Unsmiling, Maron Volmark and Nute the Barber!
Vicky: WHAAAAAA?
And who are these four people? Why… they just happen to be the top lieutenants of Rodrick, Dunstan Drumm, Black Harren, and Vicky himself. The four main leaders of the Iron Isles that sort of oppose / are resistant to Euron’s rule.
Nute the Barber: HEY! This is GREAT! I’m a Lord now! I’m a freaking LORD! And who did this for me? Not Vicky, who I have been a loyal follower of for a long time. But Euron! EURON THE KING! EURON IS THE BEST!
Vicky: OH SHIT. Euron has totally just undermined the ability of all his opponents to ever take action against him, because now their top men are all solidly bribed into obedience through lordships. EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! I bet those black wizards told him to do it!
Or Euron is just smarter than you.
Vicky: I HATE YOU NARRATOR! STOP CALLING ME VICKY! MY NAME IS VICATION! I AM THE REAVER! I AM A FIERCE WARRIOR OF THE SEAS WHO SPILLS THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!
Whatever, Vicky. Look out!!! Euron is about to smack you.
Vicky: AGH! NO!
He flinches.
Hahahah, just kidding, Vicky.
Vicky: I HATE YOU.
Euron: Okay, next order of business. Our next attack. Well, I’ll be sailing my fleet across the sea to find those dragons and get me that Dany pussy.
Captains: No! No! We need to continue plundering here in Westeros! We need to attack the Arbor next… or Oldtown!
Euron: Whatever.
Euron then leaves. After Euron is long gone and well out of ear-range…
Vicky: Ha, that’s right. You better leave. See how the captains don’t like your plans? That’s right. They’re turning against you, for sure!
Euron’s Soldier: Excuse me.
Vicky: AGH!!!! ONE OF EURON’S BLACK PEOPLE! Please don’t touch me or drink out of the same water fountain as me! AGHH!!!!
Euron’s Soldier: The King wishes to see you. Now.
And so Vicky goes scampering to his brother. He finds Euron in his chamber, almost completely naked, except he’s wearing a cloak and talking about how he can fly.
Vicky: *mumbles quietly* Maybe you should jump out that window and find out for sure.
Euron: Hhehehe, good one, you little pussy. I’m surprised you had the balls to say that. Now, I need you to help me win the captains over to my side. Why would they clamor for the mere grapes of the Arbor when they can have DRAGONS instead?
Vicky: First of all… why would I do that and help you? And second… the men want real victories! They want things that can touch and see. Grapes are real. Dragons are not.
Euron: Oh really? And what do you and those captains know of magic? I have seen magic with my own eyes, so I know dragons are real too. Remember that dragon horn that I had that guy blow at the kingsmoot? Well the dude who blew the horn FUCKING DIED from doing it. How magical is that?
Vicky: I think you and me have a different definition of what “magic” is. Blowing in a horn and dying is magic and therefore dragons exist? That’s a pretty far stretch.
Euron: I’ve held onto a dragon’s egg before. I tried a million things to make it hatch, but none worked. So I threw the egg into the sea during one of my fits of rage.
Vicky: Sounds like you need to be on lithium or something. Anyway, the voyage across the sea is too dangerous for an entire fleet.
Euron: Yes, good point. But I do need a wife who will give me proper heirs to the throne. The Targaryen girl is perfect, so I need her. So maybe the way we should go is to have a smaller portion of the fleet goes to her with my offer of marriage, while the rest stays behind to attack the countryside here.
Vicky: Okay, that could work.
Euron: And I’d like you to lead that smaller party that travels east to meet with Dany.
Vicky: WHAT?! ME?!
Euron: Yes. Sail to Slaver’s Bay to meet with this Dragon Queen and bring her back to me. Because once Dany and I are wed… we shall come back to Westeros and claim the IRON THRONE. When I have the Iron Throne, I will no longer need the Seastone Chair of the Iron Isles and someone else will need to rule here. I want that person to be… YOU!
Vicky: Why I… yes… yes… of course, Euron. I shall.
And so Vicky leaves the room with his new orders.
Vicky: HAHAHAHA! Oh, that moron! He’s sending me off to get the Targaryen girl? I’m just going to show up there and FLIP THE DEAL on old Euron. He had sex with my wife and so I had to kill her. That means he OWES me a new wife. So I’ll take the Targaryen girl for myself!
Yes. This is a plan that shall obviously work. She’ll obviously be attracted to a rapist, sexist, racist, murdering guy with an inferiority complex about his brother.
Vicky: Please stop mocking me.
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