Jaime Lannister and his men arrive at Darry. Remember Darry? It’s where Arya had Nymeria attack Joffrey and she ran away. Remembering that will be important in this chapter. You should also know that the initial lord of Darry, e.g. Raymun, was killed by Lord Tywin’s raiders, led by The Mountain. This made his son, Lyman, the new Lord Darry. Lyman, although a young boy, was loyal to the Starks and joined King Robb’s war council. But then The Mountain killed him too, leaving no heir to Darry except for some half-Darry girl whose last name is actually “Frey.” So now we’re here.
Pia: Hey! What do you mean Jaime Lanniser and his “men” arrive at Darry? Why is it only men? I’m here also!
Jaime: Oh right, you are.
Pia: Also, speaking about how horrible the Mountain and his men are... that soldier over there, who used to be one of the Mountain’s men, tried to rape me.
Jaime: Did he? Okay.
Jaime nods. The solider is then beheaded and Jaime hands the head to Pia.
Pia: Awww! Thanks. That is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Jaime: Well, I better stop here in Darry before heading off to Riverrun. Uncle Kevan is here along with Cousin Lancel. And now that there was all that backstory setup about Darry, I guess I should stop in.
He heads inside he castle, and finds that the peasants are all armed. But who else is armed? The sparrows.
Jaime: Strange. Why the hell would sparrows be armed? That’s been banned since the reign of King Maegor.
Maester Ottomore: Greetings, Ser Jaime. Welcome to Darry. We have been expecting you.
Jaime: Oh, hey there. Is my uncle around?
Ottomore: No, Ser Kevan left immediately after Lancel’s wedding to Lady Amarei. Please, come on up to Lord Lancel’s chambers, which you may use as your own. Lady Amarei is hosting a large dinner to celebrate your arrival.
Jaime: Wait… I can use Lancel’s chambers? Why isn’t Lancel using them?
Ottomore: He doesn’t sleep in his bedchamber. He spends all his nights in the sept. And all of his days too. It’s pretty much all sept, all the time for Lancel.
Jaime: HUH?! Lancel’s duty now that he is married is to his wife. He should be using the bedchamber to get Amarei Frey knocked up! I mean I hear she’s a bit of a whore, right? She’s some girl they all call “Gatehouse Ami,” right? Because men enter her all the time.
Ottomore: Hahaha, good one. But yes. Lancel won’t touch her.
Jaime: And I know for a FACT that the Lord's bedchamber here in Darry is great for fucking on. That's a great copulation bed, man!
Ottomore: How would you know that, ser? The last time you were here was when you came by with King Robert and Cersei and.... ohh... you know what. I'm just going to stop talking now and let you go on up.
Jaime goes up to the chambers and gets himself ready for the feast. Pia is there waiting on him, and clearly wants the D.
Pia: How can I ever repay you for that sweet head you gave me as a present? Maybe a trade... a head for some head? *bats eyes*
Jaime: Okay toothless girl, it’s not that you’re not pretty but… but… well… man. I know this is a great sex bed. So... uhh... have sex with this other dude instead. Here. This guy.
Peck: Who? Me?
Jaime: Yes. Who are you again?
Peck: Josmyn Peckledon.
Jaime: Have you ever been mentioned before?
Peck: In this blog? No. So unlike with the Darrys, there is nothing for you to link back to. But in the books I’ve been briefly mentioned before as someone who fought valiantly in the Battle of the Blackwater, as well as one of the many fake witnesses that was set up to lie about Tyrion poisoning Joffrey.
Jaime: Oh. Well. Bang Pia.
And so Jaime goes down to dinner with Lady Gatehouse Ami Frey while Peck and Pia, who characters we absolutely should not care at all about, form a romance.
Jaime: So, Lady Gatehou----uhhh… Ami. So, Ami! What’s up with Lancel? Is my cousin not joining us for dinner?
Ami: Oh, he’s in so much grief about the death of the last High Septon that he’s been fasting.
Jaime: Really? Damn. He’s taking this whole newfound religion thing seriously, I guess. Boring. No wonder Uncle Kevan left.
Lady Mariya Darry, Ami’s Mother: Jaime! We’re so glad you’re here. The outlaws here in the countryside have been terrible. At first we thought it was supposed to be this Beric guy doing it. But since then we’ve learned that it’s this crazy, hideously scarred woman instead.
Ami: No! No! It’s definitely that Beric guy. Jaime, you need to stay and kill him.
Jaime: Well let’s be honest here, Ami. Lancel’s claim to this house is already pretty weak. All he’s doing is marrying you, and you’re only half-Darry and your last name is Frey. But the smallfolk don’t really give a shit what the last name of their lord is, so long as the lord brings them protection. Right now, the smallfolk support Beric and say that Beric is on their side. What needs to happen is that Lancel needs to get off his ass and go out and mingle with the people, get them on his side, and convince him that it’s been Beric’s people committing the atrocities, and go out and fight to protect them.
Lady Mariya: Speaking of atrocities, no one is worse than the Hound! Why, I hear he killed 20 men, burned a town to the ground, and did unspeakable things to the women there.
Jaime: It’s crazy how these stories just seem to evolve. I knew the Hound and, yes, he was quite a bit of a dick. But that sounds more like the work of the Hound’s brother, the Mountain. I don’t think Sandor would do shit like that.
Lady Mariya: Oh, but there are witnesses! They’ve seen someone wearing the Hound’s distinctive helm doing all of this.
Jaime: Hrm, well maybe…
Jaime then clumsily knocks over his wine glass with his metal hand. Embarrassed, he gets up.
Jaime: If you’ll excuse me. I need to see Lancel at once.
He arrives at the sept of Darry, and finds sparrows there, blocking his entrance and threatening him with weapons.
Jaime: Dudes. What the hell? I’m trying to see my cousin!
Faith Militant: Lord Lancel has orders not to be disrupted!
But then the door to the sept opens, and out walks an emaciated Lancel, wearing rags.
Lancel: Brothers, put down your arms.
They do. Jaime enters and closes the doors behind him.
Jaime: Cousin, have you totally lost your wits? What the hell is going on here? Also, you need to eat a sammich.
Lancel: No, I have not lost my wits. I have found my faith!
Jaime: Well, you can’t eat faith. You need to be at that dinner with your wife. And that’s not the only place you need to be with your wife, if you know what I mean. Do I have to draw a diagram and show you where to put your penis?
Lancel begins to shake, and then starts crying. He falls to the ground.
Lancel: Oh, oh cousin! I know where my penis goes, for sure! For I have sinned! I have sinned! I have dreamed of you coming to kill me many times for my sins!
Jaime: Uhmm… excuse me. What?
Lancel: I have… done… terrible things. For I am a kingslayer, just like you. I always wanted to be like you, Jaime. In every way.
Jaime: Kingslayer? What are you talking about. The only thing you should be slaying right now is your wife’s vagina. Before she cheats on you.
Lancel: I don’t care if she does. I… I helped to kill Robert, I did! I gave him the strongwine and…
Jaime: Dude, nobody cares. Robert was an asshole and no true king. That’s clearly not what’s bothering you. Spill the beans, Lancel.
Lancel: And I… I… I slept with Cersei! I am so sorry, Jaime! But she ordered me too! But I promised that I never finished inside. I always spilled my seed on her. So that’s not treason, right?
Jaime: HOLY SHIT. SO YOU DID FUCK CERSEI?! SHIT! Tyrion wasn’t lying. Maybe he was right about her fucking Moon Boy too. I thought Tyrion was seriously fucking with me. I guess not.
Lancel: Are you going kill me now, cousin?
Jaime: Dude, of course not. You’re a fucking fool. I ain’t even really into Cersei that much anymore. I’m totally into this new girl. But let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about your wife…
Lancel: I mean to renounce my marriage and join the Warrior’s Sons back in Kings Landing!
Jaime: The Warrior’s Sons?! What the fuck are you talking about. That’s an order of the Faith Militant. It was banned 300 years ago by King Maegor. Speaking of which, those fucking guards on the outside shouldn’t have weapons for that very reason.
Lancel: You haven’t heard? Cersei made them legal again.
Jaime: DA FUQ?! Oh Jesus. Dat bitch. Oh, she is going to bring this Kingdom crumbling down. Speaking of that dumbass… are you SURE you don’t want to go back to Kings Landing just to see her again?
Lancel: NO! NO! I promise. Cersei means nothing to me anymore. Please, stay here and pray with me!
Jaime: Dude, you think I remember the words to any prayers? Nope.
And so Jaime leaves.
Jaime: Aww shit. This is so fucked up. I need to take my aggression out on something.
He therefore collects Ser Ilyn Paye and they head to the nearby Darry godswoods to practice fighting with his left hand.
Jaime: Hey Ilyn, since you can’t talk and tell anyone what I’m saying, you seem like the perfect person for me to confess some stuff to.
Ilyn: …
Jaime: Wanna know what happened the last time I was in Darry? It was on the way back from Winterfell, after we visited the Starks to bring back Ned as the Hand of the King. We stopped here for a night, and King Robert’s drunk ass was passed out on the floor. I had sex with Cersei in the bed that very night with Robert right there. How fucked up is that?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: I know, right? I thought Cersei wanted me that night. But all she really wanted was for me to hunt down that Stark girl whose wolf had attacked Joffrey. Did she ever really love me… or has she always just been using me? Is she capable of loving anyone or anything?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: It was only lucky that the Stark men found the girl before I did. I would have probably done exactly what Cersei wanted me to do to her.
Ilyn: …
Jaime: *sigh* Why am I talking to you? For all I know, my sister fucked you too.
Ilyn: …
Pia: Hey! What do you mean Jaime Lanniser and his “men” arrive at Darry? Why is it only men? I’m here also!
Jaime: Oh right, you are.
Pia: Also, speaking about how horrible the Mountain and his men are... that soldier over there, who used to be one of the Mountain’s men, tried to rape me.
Jaime: Did he? Okay.
Jaime nods. The solider is then beheaded and Jaime hands the head to Pia.
Pia: Awww! Thanks. That is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Jaime: Well, I better stop here in Darry before heading off to Riverrun. Uncle Kevan is here along with Cousin Lancel. And now that there was all that backstory setup about Darry, I guess I should stop in.
He heads inside he castle, and finds that the peasants are all armed. But who else is armed? The sparrows.
Jaime: Strange. Why the hell would sparrows be armed? That’s been banned since the reign of King Maegor.
Maester Ottomore: Greetings, Ser Jaime. Welcome to Darry. We have been expecting you.
Jaime: Oh, hey there. Is my uncle around?
Ottomore: No, Ser Kevan left immediately after Lancel’s wedding to Lady Amarei. Please, come on up to Lord Lancel’s chambers, which you may use as your own. Lady Amarei is hosting a large dinner to celebrate your arrival.
Jaime: Wait… I can use Lancel’s chambers? Why isn’t Lancel using them?
Ottomore: He doesn’t sleep in his bedchamber. He spends all his nights in the sept. And all of his days too. It’s pretty much all sept, all the time for Lancel.
Jaime: HUH?! Lancel’s duty now that he is married is to his wife. He should be using the bedchamber to get Amarei Frey knocked up! I mean I hear she’s a bit of a whore, right? She’s some girl they all call “Gatehouse Ami,” right? Because men enter her all the time.
Ottomore: Hahaha, good one. But yes. Lancel won’t touch her.
Jaime: And I know for a FACT that the Lord's bedchamber here in Darry is great for fucking on. That's a great copulation bed, man!
Ottomore: How would you know that, ser? The last time you were here was when you came by with King Robert and Cersei and.... ohh... you know what. I'm just going to stop talking now and let you go on up.
Jaime goes up to the chambers and gets himself ready for the feast. Pia is there waiting on him, and clearly wants the D.
Pia: How can I ever repay you for that sweet head you gave me as a present? Maybe a trade... a head for some head? *bats eyes*
Jaime: Okay toothless girl, it’s not that you’re not pretty but… but… well… man. I know this is a great sex bed. So... uhh... have sex with this other dude instead. Here. This guy.
Peck: Who? Me?
Jaime: Yes. Who are you again?
Peck: Josmyn Peckledon.
Jaime: Have you ever been mentioned before?
Peck: In this blog? No. So unlike with the Darrys, there is nothing for you to link back to. But in the books I’ve been briefly mentioned before as someone who fought valiantly in the Battle of the Blackwater, as well as one of the many fake witnesses that was set up to lie about Tyrion poisoning Joffrey.
Jaime: Oh. Well. Bang Pia.
And so Jaime goes down to dinner with Lady Gatehouse Ami Frey while Peck and Pia, who characters we absolutely should not care at all about, form a romance.
Jaime: So, Lady Gatehou----uhhh… Ami. So, Ami! What’s up with Lancel? Is my cousin not joining us for dinner?
Ami: Oh, he’s in so much grief about the death of the last High Septon that he’s been fasting.
Jaime: Really? Damn. He’s taking this whole newfound religion thing seriously, I guess. Boring. No wonder Uncle Kevan left.
Lady Mariya Darry, Ami’s Mother: Jaime! We’re so glad you’re here. The outlaws here in the countryside have been terrible. At first we thought it was supposed to be this Beric guy doing it. But since then we’ve learned that it’s this crazy, hideously scarred woman instead.
Ami: No! No! It’s definitely that Beric guy. Jaime, you need to stay and kill him.
Jaime: Well let’s be honest here, Ami. Lancel’s claim to this house is already pretty weak. All he’s doing is marrying you, and you’re only half-Darry and your last name is Frey. But the smallfolk don’t really give a shit what the last name of their lord is, so long as the lord brings them protection. Right now, the smallfolk support Beric and say that Beric is on their side. What needs to happen is that Lancel needs to get off his ass and go out and mingle with the people, get them on his side, and convince him that it’s been Beric’s people committing the atrocities, and go out and fight to protect them.
Lady Mariya: Speaking of atrocities, no one is worse than the Hound! Why, I hear he killed 20 men, burned a town to the ground, and did unspeakable things to the women there.
Jaime: It’s crazy how these stories just seem to evolve. I knew the Hound and, yes, he was quite a bit of a dick. But that sounds more like the work of the Hound’s brother, the Mountain. I don’t think Sandor would do shit like that.
Lady Mariya: Oh, but there are witnesses! They’ve seen someone wearing the Hound’s distinctive helm doing all of this.
Jaime: Hrm, well maybe…
Jaime then clumsily knocks over his wine glass with his metal hand. Embarrassed, he gets up.
Jaime: If you’ll excuse me. I need to see Lancel at once.
He arrives at the sept of Darry, and finds sparrows there, blocking his entrance and threatening him with weapons.
Jaime: Dudes. What the hell? I’m trying to see my cousin!
Faith Militant: Lord Lancel has orders not to be disrupted!
But then the door to the sept opens, and out walks an emaciated Lancel, wearing rags.
Lancel: Brothers, put down your arms.
They do. Jaime enters and closes the doors behind him.
Jaime: Cousin, have you totally lost your wits? What the hell is going on here? Also, you need to eat a sammich.
Lancel: No, I have not lost my wits. I have found my faith!
Jaime: Well, you can’t eat faith. You need to be at that dinner with your wife. And that’s not the only place you need to be with your wife, if you know what I mean. Do I have to draw a diagram and show you where to put your penis?
Lancel begins to shake, and then starts crying. He falls to the ground.
Lancel: Oh, oh cousin! I know where my penis goes, for sure! For I have sinned! I have sinned! I have dreamed of you coming to kill me many times for my sins!
Jaime: Uhmm… excuse me. What?
Lancel: I have… done… terrible things. For I am a kingslayer, just like you. I always wanted to be like you, Jaime. In every way.
Jaime: Kingslayer? What are you talking about. The only thing you should be slaying right now is your wife’s vagina. Before she cheats on you.
Lancel: I don’t care if she does. I… I helped to kill Robert, I did! I gave him the strongwine and…
Jaime: Dude, nobody cares. Robert was an asshole and no true king. That’s clearly not what’s bothering you. Spill the beans, Lancel.
Lancel: And I… I… I slept with Cersei! I am so sorry, Jaime! But she ordered me too! But I promised that I never finished inside. I always spilled my seed on her. So that’s not treason, right?
Jaime: HOLY SHIT. SO YOU DID FUCK CERSEI?! SHIT! Tyrion wasn’t lying. Maybe he was right about her fucking Moon Boy too. I thought Tyrion was seriously fucking with me. I guess not.
Lancel: Are you going kill me now, cousin?
Jaime: Dude, of course not. You’re a fucking fool. I ain’t even really into Cersei that much anymore. I’m totally into this new girl. But let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about your wife…
Lancel: I mean to renounce my marriage and join the Warrior’s Sons back in Kings Landing!
Jaime: The Warrior’s Sons?! What the fuck are you talking about. That’s an order of the Faith Militant. It was banned 300 years ago by King Maegor. Speaking of which, those fucking guards on the outside shouldn’t have weapons for that very reason.
Lancel: You haven’t heard? Cersei made them legal again.
Jaime: DA FUQ?! Oh Jesus. Dat bitch. Oh, she is going to bring this Kingdom crumbling down. Speaking of that dumbass… are you SURE you don’t want to go back to Kings Landing just to see her again?
Lancel: NO! NO! I promise. Cersei means nothing to me anymore. Please, stay here and pray with me!
Jaime: Dude, you think I remember the words to any prayers? Nope.
And so Jaime leaves.
Jaime: Aww shit. This is so fucked up. I need to take my aggression out on something.
He therefore collects Ser Ilyn Paye and they head to the nearby Darry godswoods to practice fighting with his left hand.
Jaime: Hey Ilyn, since you can’t talk and tell anyone what I’m saying, you seem like the perfect person for me to confess some stuff to.
Ilyn: …
Jaime: Wanna know what happened the last time I was in Darry? It was on the way back from Winterfell, after we visited the Starks to bring back Ned as the Hand of the King. We stopped here for a night, and King Robert’s drunk ass was passed out on the floor. I had sex with Cersei in the bed that very night with Robert right there. How fucked up is that?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: I know, right? I thought Cersei wanted me that night. But all she really wanted was for me to hunt down that Stark girl whose wolf had attacked Joffrey. Did she ever really love me… or has she always just been using me? Is she capable of loving anyone or anything?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: It was only lucky that the Stark men found the girl before I did. I would have probably done exactly what Cersei wanted me to do to her.
Ilyn: …
Jaime: *sigh* Why am I talking to you? For all I know, my sister fucked you too.
Ilyn: …
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