Cersei and the Small Council are listening as Margaery and Loras Tyrell are complaining about what Cersei believes to be some bullshit.
Margaery: …and we were attacked! ATTACKED, I SAY! The Shield Islands are the lands of Highgardens and they are being terrorized by these filthy Ironborn. Some dipship named Vicky, led by their new King, the Crow’s Eye.
Cersei: Hrm. Sounds dumb. You lost a bunch of rocks. Why should I care?
Margaery: WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?! WHAAAAAAT? My husband is THE KING and my lands are part of HIS KINGDOM. His Kingdom is being destroyed by these filthy raiders. Right now you’re the regent, ruling in his place. What you need to do is order that we send our fleet to retake the river!
Cersei: Really? Really? That’s what you woke me up in the middle of the night to demand this meeting for?
Margaery: YES!
Cersei: Sounds like a personal problem. You see, this is how things work in the Seven Kingdoms. The king has houses that report to him and bend the knee to him. In return for that, he gives those houses important ranks and titles. You know, like House Tyrell of Highgarden. What the king asks in return for these ranks and titles is that you, you know, DEFEND YOUR LANDS AND SHIT. The king’s army can’t be everywhere in the middle of a war. The northern half of this country has basically seceded. If House Tyrell can’t even defend it’s own home turf… well… it looks like your dumbass cripple brother has a lot to answer for.
Loras: Cersei, please. My brothers Wilas and Garlan are doing the best they can. They have the men to fight the Ironborn, yes. But they do not have the ships.
Grand Maester Pycelle: A few ships are like to scare this Crow's Eye and his men off. The Crow's Eye is sort of like a crow, you see. He will feast on the carrion of--
Cersei: No. Stop! No, no, no! None of that running joke about almost, but not quite, saying the name of this novel. And also... Ugh. Ships! Ships! The ships we do have are attacking Dragonstone and that shitstain Stannis. And as for our new fleet that’s being built… well… that isn’t even ready yet. Isn’t that right, Aurane? You sexy, sexy beast who I’ll be thinking about tonight.
Aurane Waters: Uhm, well… yeah… you are correct that the new ships in the fleet are not ready.
Cersei: Plus, speaking of Stannis… this is all Stannis’s fault anyway. I bet Stannis is totally behind the ironmen doing this and it’s a plot they have together. Well, I’m not going to fall for this trap Stannis is trying to set up to get our forces to pull away from Dragonstone.
Pycelle: Cersei, I’m afraid that doesn’t make any sense. Stannis would never align with the Crow’s Eye. It’s totally illogical and—
Cersei: --SHUT YOUR TRAP, PYCELLE! NOBODY LIKES YOU!
Margaery: Lift the Seige of Dragonstone now! We need those ships for Highgarden!
Cersei: No. Highgarden is rich, isn’t it? Go hire some mercenaries to defend it.
Loras: I beg you to reconsider, Cersei! We need those ships.
Cersei: No, and no again. How many times do I have to say no? Is it a million? Because we can play this game. I can’t think of any way I’d ever say yes unless… unless… well… no… I dare not even say it…
Loras: Say what?
Cersei: Well, you know… personally, I feel like the Siege of Dragonstone is failing because it needs a better commander. Everyone knows that Lord Paxter Redwyne is, no offense, a giant dipshit. And old. We could use someone younger. Stronger. Fierce. Like, the greatest knight of all time. Someone who whenever anyone sees them, they go, “Oh yeah, that person is the best. That person should be on the kingsguard. That person should personally train the new king in swordmanship and the manly arts because he’s the best.” It’s too bad nobody exists like that though. I mean, I’m talking about someone who is THE BEST. The kind of guy who repeatedly wins tournaments over and over again.
Loras: Hey… wait a minute… that description sounds like me.
Cersei: WHAT?! Does it?! OMG! OMFG! LOL! ROTFL! That’s CRAZY! I didn’t even THINK OF THAT. WOW! Just… WOW! OMG! We’re so lucky! At first I thought that person didn’t exist, but now… crazy… I just put two and two together and realize that THE VERY HERO WE NEED to save the day is standing right in front of me. Of course, you could never do it. That’s the great tragedy of this whole thing. You’re in the Kingsguard and you have to guard the king. Besides, I would never ask you to leave your dear sister behind here in Kings Landing all by herself with nobody to protect her, now that I’ve already sent all of her family away.
Loras: No, Cersei! I’ll do it! I’ll take over the assault on Dragonstone!
Cersei: Oh will you? Will you?! OH! MY HERO! Despite how treacherously dangerous that seight might be?!
Loras: I have no fear! You shall have Dragonstone in a fortnight!
Pycelle: This is a terrible idea. Loras, you are far too valuable here. Why if you were to die in battle, it would—
Cersei: --I SAID SHUT UP, PYCELLE!
Loras bows and leaves the room, heading off to Dragonstone.
Later… in Cersei’s private chambers, she meets with Qyburn.
Cersei: Hahaha, OMG. This is so awesome, Qyburn. Loras will probably die and now Margaery will have nobody to defend her from me. Even in the very, very unlikely event that Loras wins… I STILL WIN AND GET DRAGONSTONE AS A PRIZE! It’s a win-win! Everything is falling Cersei’s way these days.
Qyburn: Ah, indeed your grace. Just know that Loras will need a replacement on the Kingsguard should he perish.
Cersei: I guess so. And while I hate him, I have to admit that there probably is no man alive who could match him. Which is a shame.
Qyburn: Oh… hehehe…. Indeed! Hehehe… indeed… no man alive. Ahahahaha.
Cersei: What the hell are you cackling about?
Qyburn: Hahah, oh… oh… “there probably is no man alive who could match him.” That’s just… it’s… it’s just too good. TOO GOOD.
Cersei: What? I don’t get it. Do you have someone in mind.
Qyburn: Yes, I do. And trust me. That person is defiantly “no man alive.” Ah-hehehehe.
Cersei: Fuck, you give me the creeps so hard sometimes.
Cersei dismisses him and heads to her bedchamber. But she’s not alone.
Taena Merryweather: Oh, hi Cersei. You sure were gone a long time. What called you away from the bed?
Cersei: Oh, don’t worry about it, Taena. Now turn over and I’m going to sexually assault you because Robert used to do the same thing to me when he was drunk. By the way, I’ve been drinking.
Taena: Well, that goes without saying. The writer doesn’t need to specifically put that down. Everyone reading should just always assume you’re dangling a glass of wine from your hand at all times.
Cersei: Okay, now shut up while I basically rape you. The circle of violence continues!
But just as she’s about to do it, there is a knock at the door again.
Cersei: WHAT THE HELL?!
Guard: Uhh… sorry, Cersei. This time it’s Lady Falyse Stokeworth. Something about her husband being killed.
Cersei: UGGHHH!!!!!
She gets dressed again and goes out to find a crying Falyse.
Falyse: Balman… he… he… challenges Bronn to single combat?
Cersei: UGH. That DIPSHIT. He wasn’t supposed to do some dumb shit like that. He was supposed to just murder him in the words and make it look like a hunting accident. Dumbass. Well… at least your stupid fucking husband is dead now and can’t talk about how I basically ordered him to murder Bronn.
Falyse: Yeaaaah… about that…
Cersei: About WHAT?!
Falyse: Bronn totally defeated him in like two minutes, and before he killed him… got him to confess everything. So now Bronn can pretty much snitch on you whenever he wants. So you can’t hurt him because he probably has some orders to release the information in the event of his death, which will bring your reign toppling down.
Cersei: …
Falyse: *crying*… Oh, Cersei! Cersei! This is terrible! My husband is dead! DEAD! I don’t know what to do with my life!
Cersei: Oh… I do. I have a good friend named “Qyburn” who will help make sure you stop feeling pain. Forever.
Falyse: Oh… truly?
Cersei: Yes. I mean… not at first. But later. Here, I’ll send you to him now. He’s been really good at taking care of people who I think know too much… or… uhh… I mean… women in need.
And so we’ll never see Falyse again. And with her and Balman gone, that means the Castle Stokeworth now passes on to Lollys.
Lollys who is married to Bronn.
Guess what, TV show fans.
Bronn. Gets. His. Fucking. Castle.
Cersei then goes back to her bedchamber.
Cersei: Okay Teana… I have a bottle opener, an electronic screwdriver, a spiked dildo... and some rusty X-Acto Blades. And those are just for your bullhole. You don't want to know about the other side. I’m going to go to town on you and you’re really going to suffer because I’m a sick fuck.
Taena: *gulp*
Margaery: …and we were attacked! ATTACKED, I SAY! The Shield Islands are the lands of Highgardens and they are being terrorized by these filthy Ironborn. Some dipship named Vicky, led by their new King, the Crow’s Eye.
Cersei: Hrm. Sounds dumb. You lost a bunch of rocks. Why should I care?
Margaery: WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?! WHAAAAAAT? My husband is THE KING and my lands are part of HIS KINGDOM. His Kingdom is being destroyed by these filthy raiders. Right now you’re the regent, ruling in his place. What you need to do is order that we send our fleet to retake the river!
Cersei: Really? Really? That’s what you woke me up in the middle of the night to demand this meeting for?
Margaery: YES!
Cersei: Sounds like a personal problem. You see, this is how things work in the Seven Kingdoms. The king has houses that report to him and bend the knee to him. In return for that, he gives those houses important ranks and titles. You know, like House Tyrell of Highgarden. What the king asks in return for these ranks and titles is that you, you know, DEFEND YOUR LANDS AND SHIT. The king’s army can’t be everywhere in the middle of a war. The northern half of this country has basically seceded. If House Tyrell can’t even defend it’s own home turf… well… it looks like your dumbass cripple brother has a lot to answer for.
Loras: Cersei, please. My brothers Wilas and Garlan are doing the best they can. They have the men to fight the Ironborn, yes. But they do not have the ships.
Grand Maester Pycelle: A few ships are like to scare this Crow's Eye and his men off. The Crow's Eye is sort of like a crow, you see. He will feast on the carrion of--
Cersei: No. Stop! No, no, no! None of that running joke about almost, but not quite, saying the name of this novel. And also... Ugh. Ships! Ships! The ships we do have are attacking Dragonstone and that shitstain Stannis. And as for our new fleet that’s being built… well… that isn’t even ready yet. Isn’t that right, Aurane? You sexy, sexy beast who I’ll be thinking about tonight.
Aurane Waters: Uhm, well… yeah… you are correct that the new ships in the fleet are not ready.
Cersei: Plus, speaking of Stannis… this is all Stannis’s fault anyway. I bet Stannis is totally behind the ironmen doing this and it’s a plot they have together. Well, I’m not going to fall for this trap Stannis is trying to set up to get our forces to pull away from Dragonstone.
Pycelle: Cersei, I’m afraid that doesn’t make any sense. Stannis would never align with the Crow’s Eye. It’s totally illogical and—
Cersei: --SHUT YOUR TRAP, PYCELLE! NOBODY LIKES YOU!
Margaery: Lift the Seige of Dragonstone now! We need those ships for Highgarden!
Cersei: No. Highgarden is rich, isn’t it? Go hire some mercenaries to defend it.
Loras: I beg you to reconsider, Cersei! We need those ships.
Cersei: No, and no again. How many times do I have to say no? Is it a million? Because we can play this game. I can’t think of any way I’d ever say yes unless… unless… well… no… I dare not even say it…
Loras: Say what?
Cersei: Well, you know… personally, I feel like the Siege of Dragonstone is failing because it needs a better commander. Everyone knows that Lord Paxter Redwyne is, no offense, a giant dipshit. And old. We could use someone younger. Stronger. Fierce. Like, the greatest knight of all time. Someone who whenever anyone sees them, they go, “Oh yeah, that person is the best. That person should be on the kingsguard. That person should personally train the new king in swordmanship and the manly arts because he’s the best.” It’s too bad nobody exists like that though. I mean, I’m talking about someone who is THE BEST. The kind of guy who repeatedly wins tournaments over and over again.
Loras: Hey… wait a minute… that description sounds like me.
Cersei: WHAT?! Does it?! OMG! OMFG! LOL! ROTFL! That’s CRAZY! I didn’t even THINK OF THAT. WOW! Just… WOW! OMG! We’re so lucky! At first I thought that person didn’t exist, but now… crazy… I just put two and two together and realize that THE VERY HERO WE NEED to save the day is standing right in front of me. Of course, you could never do it. That’s the great tragedy of this whole thing. You’re in the Kingsguard and you have to guard the king. Besides, I would never ask you to leave your dear sister behind here in Kings Landing all by herself with nobody to protect her, now that I’ve already sent all of her family away.
Loras: No, Cersei! I’ll do it! I’ll take over the assault on Dragonstone!
Cersei: Oh will you? Will you?! OH! MY HERO! Despite how treacherously dangerous that seight might be?!
Loras: I have no fear! You shall have Dragonstone in a fortnight!
Pycelle: This is a terrible idea. Loras, you are far too valuable here. Why if you were to die in battle, it would—
Cersei: --I SAID SHUT UP, PYCELLE!
Loras bows and leaves the room, heading off to Dragonstone.
Later… in Cersei’s private chambers, she meets with Qyburn.
Cersei: Hahaha, OMG. This is so awesome, Qyburn. Loras will probably die and now Margaery will have nobody to defend her from me. Even in the very, very unlikely event that Loras wins… I STILL WIN AND GET DRAGONSTONE AS A PRIZE! It’s a win-win! Everything is falling Cersei’s way these days.
Qyburn: Ah, indeed your grace. Just know that Loras will need a replacement on the Kingsguard should he perish.
Cersei: I guess so. And while I hate him, I have to admit that there probably is no man alive who could match him. Which is a shame.
Qyburn: Oh… hehehe…. Indeed! Hehehe… indeed… no man alive. Ahahahaha.
Cersei: What the hell are you cackling about?
Qyburn: Hahah, oh… oh… “there probably is no man alive who could match him.” That’s just… it’s… it’s just too good. TOO GOOD.
Cersei: What? I don’t get it. Do you have someone in mind.
Qyburn: Yes, I do. And trust me. That person is defiantly “no man alive.” Ah-hehehehe.
Cersei: Fuck, you give me the creeps so hard sometimes.
Cersei dismisses him and heads to her bedchamber. But she’s not alone.
Taena Merryweather: Oh, hi Cersei. You sure were gone a long time. What called you away from the bed?
Cersei: Oh, don’t worry about it, Taena. Now turn over and I’m going to sexually assault you because Robert used to do the same thing to me when he was drunk. By the way, I’ve been drinking.
Taena: Well, that goes without saying. The writer doesn’t need to specifically put that down. Everyone reading should just always assume you’re dangling a glass of wine from your hand at all times.
Cersei: Okay, now shut up while I basically rape you. The circle of violence continues!
But just as she’s about to do it, there is a knock at the door again.
Cersei: WHAT THE HELL?!
Guard: Uhh… sorry, Cersei. This time it’s Lady Falyse Stokeworth. Something about her husband being killed.
Cersei: UGGHHH!!!!!
She gets dressed again and goes out to find a crying Falyse.
Falyse: Balman… he… he… challenges Bronn to single combat?
Cersei: UGH. That DIPSHIT. He wasn’t supposed to do some dumb shit like that. He was supposed to just murder him in the words and make it look like a hunting accident. Dumbass. Well… at least your stupid fucking husband is dead now and can’t talk about how I basically ordered him to murder Bronn.
Falyse: Yeaaaah… about that…
Cersei: About WHAT?!
Falyse: Bronn totally defeated him in like two minutes, and before he killed him… got him to confess everything. So now Bronn can pretty much snitch on you whenever he wants. So you can’t hurt him because he probably has some orders to release the information in the event of his death, which will bring your reign toppling down.
Cersei: …
Falyse: *crying*… Oh, Cersei! Cersei! This is terrible! My husband is dead! DEAD! I don’t know what to do with my life!
Cersei: Oh… I do. I have a good friend named “Qyburn” who will help make sure you stop feeling pain. Forever.
Falyse: Oh… truly?
Cersei: Yes. I mean… not at first. But later. Here, I’ll send you to him now. He’s been really good at taking care of people who I think know too much… or… uhh… I mean… women in need.
And so we’ll never see Falyse again. And with her and Balman gone, that means the Castle Stokeworth now passes on to Lollys.
Lollys who is married to Bronn.
Guess what, TV show fans.
Bronn. Gets. His. Fucking. Castle.
Cersei then goes back to her bedchamber.
Cersei: Okay Teana… I have a bottle opener, an electronic screwdriver, a spiked dildo... and some rusty X-Acto Blades. And those are just for your bullhole. You don't want to know about the other side. I’m going to go to town on you and you’re really going to suffer because I’m a sick fuck.
Taena: *gulp*
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