Sam, Gilly, Dalla’s screaming baby, and a very sick Maester Aemon are waiting in a freezing cold, overpriced, rented apartment in Braavos. Their ship arrived here quite some time ago, diverted because of the storms, but they’ve basically been stuck with Aemon sick.
Sam: BRRR! So cold. When is Dareon going to return with the food and wine like he promised he would? AGHH!!!
Sam starts weeping, so now he’s the big, annoying crying bitch just like crying Gilly. But now that he had figured out that her baby has been swapped out – he can’t blame her.
Sam: I… I don’t want to ask Gilly herself. But is it true, Aemon? Is it true?
Aemon: *cough*cough* I’m only hald-concious and mostly delusional, Sam. Why are you asking me dumb shit like this? Oh, and of course it’s true.
Sam: When did Jon Snow’s heart turn to stone? How could he do something like baby swap?
Aemon: Uh… when you elected him Lord Commander and he had to start making decisions to save everyone. *hacks out lung*
Sam: Oh. Fair point.
Aemon: The Red Star! Oh, the red star in the sky!
Sam: Shit. We're talking about the red fucking star again? Please let's not. That was TWO BOOKS AGO and we need to let that running joke go.
Aemon: Now come on, Egg. Let’s pull a park on our brother Aerion and tell him to drink some wildfire, because it will turn him into a dragon. Hehehe! It will be so funny.
Sam: Egg? What are you talking about? You’re going crazy and talking crazy talk. Egg? Or maybe you’re just alluding to a series of prequel stories, the Tales of Dunk and Egg, about your brother Aegon, who will wind up becoming King Aegon V, and Ser Duncan the Tall, who was already alluded to in the Brienne Chapters. Yes. Maybe.
Aemon: *cough*cough*perhaps, Sam! And perhaps A Jingle of Ice and Fire will even do comical versions of those stories.
Sam: Oh really? When?
Aemon: *cough*cough* I don’t know. Maybe after A Dance with Dragons, assuming that The Winds of Winter doesn’t come out before this blog catches up.
Sam: HAHAHAH! Oh man, that’s too rich. This is January 13, 2019 and another chapter of this blog publishes every other day. It’s Chapter 26 out of 45 – so there are 19 chapters remaining after this one. Then for Dance there are 73 if you include the Prologue and Epilogue. That’s 92 chapters! That means it will be 184 days from now when this blog is out of material, excluding Dunk & Egg. Do you really think The Winds of Winter will be out in 184 days? Do you really think GRRM will release the book by July 16?
Aemon: *cough*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Sam: Okay, well I can see you’re not going to answer because you’re about to die. Which means I should go out and find what’s up with Dareon.
Aemon: No! We must go to the docks and find out more about that story Dareon heard about dragons.
Sam: Dareon heard that story in an alehouse, Maester Aemon. From drunk sailors. Not the most reliable people in the world. And what do you mean by “we?”
Aemon: I’ll… *cough*cough* go out with you.
Sam: Uh, no you won’t. Unless… unless… well… maybe there is a reason you should be alive. I spent the last of that money I had on a healer to help you out, and he said there was nothing we could do for you. And yet you’re still here. Maybe it’s fate. Maybe fate brought us here to Braavos because of these dragons. Yes. I’ll go out and investigate. But you’re not coming with me. You’ll die.
Aemon: Fair enough.
And so Sam leaves the inn to look for Dareon and hear more about this dragon story. Oh, and also to find that food and firewood and stuff that Dareon was opposed to get.
When Sam goes out, he’s immediately accosted by some random Braavos thugs.
Thug 1: Hey punk! Give me all your money!
Thug 2: Yeah! We are a people that has cultural differences from you, since you’re wearing a sword. While that might be normal while you’re from, in this culture it means you’re willing to get into a fight with any one who comes up and challenges you.
Sam: Well, no. I am a coward. So I won’t fight you.
Thug 1: Okay, I guess we’ll kill you then.
The thug pulls out a switchblade, because that’s what thugs do according to really bad 1980s movies.
Random Girl Selling Clams: HEY! You call that a knife? THIS IS A KNIFE!
A random girl, selling clams, runs up with a knife to the two thugs.
Random Thug 2: AGHH!!! A little girl with a knife! This girl looks rough! Let’s run!!!!
They run.
Sam: Oh my! Thank you for saving me, small child. It’s totally normal for a small child to save a grown man in a fight. Please tell me your name.
Cat: I’m Arya Star. Oh no wait, I mean “No One.” I am no one. But if you want, you can call me “Cat of the Canals.”
Sam: Did you say STARK?
Cat: No. I said Cat. Want a clam?
Sam: I’m fat, so of course I do. Also, I’m Sam, a member of the Night’s Watch.
Cat: Oh, cool. I have a brother in the Night’s Wa… uhh… I mean… I don’t know anyone in the Night’s Watch. Because I’m Cat. An orphan girl from Kings Landing. My father used to be a bread-maker but he touched me touched me, so I pulled a “Jaine’s Got a Gun” and killed him. Then for a while I used to sell crystal meth in Flea Bottom. That is until I got all mixed up with a heroin dealer named “Marc” with a "c" who wanted to—
Sam: —I do not care.
Cat: Damn. The Kind Old Man was right! People really don’t need THAT much back story about me. Why is someone in the Night’s Watch here in Essos? Aren’t you supposed to be up at the Wall?
Sam: Oh, the Lord Commander sent me on a mission to become a Maester at Oldtown. But the ship we initially were on had to stop here because the storm, and then had to leave without us because this guy Aemon that I’m with was too sick to travel further.
Cat: Hrm. Maybe I should ask you the name of the Lord Commander.
Sam: Oh, It’s J—
Cat: —But I won’t, because I don’t really care. HAHA, BITCH! Now I got you back for cutting off my Kings Landing Meth story! So anyway, I did see another one of your brothers of the Night’s Watch earlier. Some total douchebag singer.
Sam: Yes. That’s Dareon. I’m looking for him.
Cat: He’s singing at the Happy Port, and he’s going to wed the Sailor’s Wife.
Sam: Huh? What Wed the Sailor’s Wife?! What does that mean?
Cat: Oh, it’s a convoluded term for prostitution here. You see, technically it’s sort of illegal. But if you marry a girl and have sex with her it’s obviously not prositition. But here in Braavos you can marry someone for just one night and be single the next day, if you pay enough. So it’s like a giant loophole in the prostitution laws.
Sam: Well, it’s very interesting to learn about Braavos’s prostitution laws from a small girl selling clams.
Cat: Yes. By the way, this is the best single event in the books that the show left out. The show could have easily had Sam stop in Braavos for a night, just like in the books, and meet Arya. It would have been super easy. But they never did. Definite missed opportunity there.
And so Sam goes to the brothel to find Dareon. He’s there, obviously. With a whore, obviously.
Dareon: SAAAMMM!!! How’s it going man! Have you met my wife?
Sam: Dude, you were supposed to be getting food and shit for Aemon.
Dareon: FUCK THAT. Aemon is dead, and we all know it.
Sam: How can you be here breaking your vows?!
Dareon: Brekaing my vows? Oh come on. Those chasity vows don’t mean SHIT, even in Westeros. So do you think they matter in Essos? No fucking way. Besides, don’t act like you haven’t been fucking that wilding girl on the ship.
Sam: No, not in the books. But in the show I did.
Dareon: SEE?!
Sam: Come on! We’ve got to go! We’ve got to go learn about these dragons you heard about.
Dareon: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Get the hell away from me. Get out of my life. I’m done with the Night’s Watch. I’m living here forever!
Dareon takes off his black cloak and throws it at Sam.
Sam: GGRRRR!!! TAKE THIS!
Sam throws a punch at Dareon, but it’s super weak sauce because Sam is sort of a bitch. OH WAIT. THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL!!!! Sam jumps on top of Dareon and begins to PUMMEL THE FUCK AT HIM. This whole time, Sam, who has been too scared to fight, is apparently a mixed martial arts master.
Mike Tirico: OH MY, do you see this, Shaq? Sam is taking out Dareon just like Khabib Nurmagomedov took out Conor McGregor to defend the UFC Lightweight Championship!
Shaq: Something something Icy Hot.
Eventually, a bunch of staff at the brothel pull Sam off of Dareon and throw him out of the brothel and into a canal.
Sam: AGHH!!! AGHHHH! As apparently good as I am at fighting, I’m as bad at swimming!
Sam nearly drowns as he flails around, only to feel his hand grabbed. He’s pulled out and sees a large guy from the Summer Isles.
Sam: Oh, thank you random guy from the Summer Isles!
Random Guy: HEY! How do you know I’m from the Summer Isles? Is it because “from the Summer Isles” is a code work for BLACK? Are you racially profiling me?!
Sam: No! I mean.. I… no… it’s just that the narrator said you are from the Summer Isles!
Random Guy: Oh, did he now? DID HE? And how would you know what the narrator said? The narrator exists on a plan of existence above the characters and generally doesn’t interact with the characters!
Sam: Typically in stories, yes. But in this blog it’s a bit different. Also, I’m probably the narrator of the series, and I’m the one who writes “A Song of Ice and Fire” to tell the story of what happened. So that’s why.
Random Guy: HAHAHAHA, man I was just fucking with you anyway. I am from the Summer Isles. Pleased to meet you. My name is Xhondo. BY the way, you owe me a lot of feathers for all the ones I got ruined, pulling you out of this canal.
Sam: Really, feathers? Are feathers super valuable?
Xhondo: Maybe.
Sam: So why did you pull me out?
Xhondo: Well, I saw everything that happened in that brothel. And I heard you talking to that shitty singer guy about the dragons.
Sam: Uh huh. Go on.
Xhondo: I know where you can find these dragons.
Sam: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Sam: BRRR! So cold. When is Dareon going to return with the food and wine like he promised he would? AGHH!!!
Sam starts weeping, so now he’s the big, annoying crying bitch just like crying Gilly. But now that he had figured out that her baby has been swapped out – he can’t blame her.
Sam: I… I don’t want to ask Gilly herself. But is it true, Aemon? Is it true?
Aemon: *cough*cough* I’m only hald-concious and mostly delusional, Sam. Why are you asking me dumb shit like this? Oh, and of course it’s true.
Sam: When did Jon Snow’s heart turn to stone? How could he do something like baby swap?
Aemon: Uh… when you elected him Lord Commander and he had to start making decisions to save everyone. *hacks out lung*
Sam: Oh. Fair point.
Aemon: The Red Star! Oh, the red star in the sky!
Sam: Shit. We're talking about the red fucking star again? Please let's not. That was TWO BOOKS AGO and we need to let that running joke go.
Aemon: Now come on, Egg. Let’s pull a park on our brother Aerion and tell him to drink some wildfire, because it will turn him into a dragon. Hehehe! It will be so funny.
Sam: Egg? What are you talking about? You’re going crazy and talking crazy talk. Egg? Or maybe you’re just alluding to a series of prequel stories, the Tales of Dunk and Egg, about your brother Aegon, who will wind up becoming King Aegon V, and Ser Duncan the Tall, who was already alluded to in the Brienne Chapters. Yes. Maybe.
Aemon: *cough*cough*perhaps, Sam! And perhaps A Jingle of Ice and Fire will even do comical versions of those stories.
Sam: Oh really? When?
Aemon: *cough*cough* I don’t know. Maybe after A Dance with Dragons, assuming that The Winds of Winter doesn’t come out before this blog catches up.
Sam: HAHAHAH! Oh man, that’s too rich. This is January 13, 2019 and another chapter of this blog publishes every other day. It’s Chapter 26 out of 45 – so there are 19 chapters remaining after this one. Then for Dance there are 73 if you include the Prologue and Epilogue. That’s 92 chapters! That means it will be 184 days from now when this blog is out of material, excluding Dunk & Egg. Do you really think The Winds of Winter will be out in 184 days? Do you really think GRRM will release the book by July 16?
Aemon: *cough*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Sam: Okay, well I can see you’re not going to answer because you’re about to die. Which means I should go out and find what’s up with Dareon.
Aemon: No! We must go to the docks and find out more about that story Dareon heard about dragons.
Sam: Dareon heard that story in an alehouse, Maester Aemon. From drunk sailors. Not the most reliable people in the world. And what do you mean by “we?”
Aemon: I’ll… *cough*cough* go out with you.
Sam: Uh, no you won’t. Unless… unless… well… maybe there is a reason you should be alive. I spent the last of that money I had on a healer to help you out, and he said there was nothing we could do for you. And yet you’re still here. Maybe it’s fate. Maybe fate brought us here to Braavos because of these dragons. Yes. I’ll go out and investigate. But you’re not coming with me. You’ll die.
Aemon: Fair enough.
And so Sam leaves the inn to look for Dareon and hear more about this dragon story. Oh, and also to find that food and firewood and stuff that Dareon was opposed to get.
When Sam goes out, he’s immediately accosted by some random Braavos thugs.
Thug 1: Hey punk! Give me all your money!
Thug 2: Yeah! We are a people that has cultural differences from you, since you’re wearing a sword. While that might be normal while you’re from, in this culture it means you’re willing to get into a fight with any one who comes up and challenges you.
Sam: Well, no. I am a coward. So I won’t fight you.
Thug 1: Okay, I guess we’ll kill you then.
The thug pulls out a switchblade, because that’s what thugs do according to really bad 1980s movies.
Random Girl Selling Clams: HEY! You call that a knife? THIS IS A KNIFE!
A random girl, selling clams, runs up with a knife to the two thugs.
Random Thug 2: AGHH!!! A little girl with a knife! This girl looks rough! Let’s run!!!!
They run.
Sam: Oh my! Thank you for saving me, small child. It’s totally normal for a small child to save a grown man in a fight. Please tell me your name.
Cat: I’m Arya Star. Oh no wait, I mean “No One.” I am no one. But if you want, you can call me “Cat of the Canals.”
Sam: Did you say STARK?
Cat: No. I said Cat. Want a clam?
Sam: I’m fat, so of course I do. Also, I’m Sam, a member of the Night’s Watch.
Cat: Oh, cool. I have a brother in the Night’s Wa… uhh… I mean… I don’t know anyone in the Night’s Watch. Because I’m Cat. An orphan girl from Kings Landing. My father used to be a bread-maker but he touched me touched me, so I pulled a “Jaine’s Got a Gun” and killed him. Then for a while I used to sell crystal meth in Flea Bottom. That is until I got all mixed up with a heroin dealer named “Marc” with a "c" who wanted to—
Sam: —I do not care.
Cat: Damn. The Kind Old Man was right! People really don’t need THAT much back story about me. Why is someone in the Night’s Watch here in Essos? Aren’t you supposed to be up at the Wall?
Sam: Oh, the Lord Commander sent me on a mission to become a Maester at Oldtown. But the ship we initially were on had to stop here because the storm, and then had to leave without us because this guy Aemon that I’m with was too sick to travel further.
Cat: Hrm. Maybe I should ask you the name of the Lord Commander.
Sam: Oh, It’s J—
Cat: —But I won’t, because I don’t really care. HAHA, BITCH! Now I got you back for cutting off my Kings Landing Meth story! So anyway, I did see another one of your brothers of the Night’s Watch earlier. Some total douchebag singer.
Sam: Yes. That’s Dareon. I’m looking for him.
Cat: He’s singing at the Happy Port, and he’s going to wed the Sailor’s Wife.
Sam: Huh? What Wed the Sailor’s Wife?! What does that mean?
Cat: Oh, it’s a convoluded term for prostitution here. You see, technically it’s sort of illegal. But if you marry a girl and have sex with her it’s obviously not prositition. But here in Braavos you can marry someone for just one night and be single the next day, if you pay enough. So it’s like a giant loophole in the prostitution laws.
Sam: Well, it’s very interesting to learn about Braavos’s prostitution laws from a small girl selling clams.
Cat: Yes. By the way, this is the best single event in the books that the show left out. The show could have easily had Sam stop in Braavos for a night, just like in the books, and meet Arya. It would have been super easy. But they never did. Definite missed opportunity there.
And so Sam goes to the brothel to find Dareon. He’s there, obviously. With a whore, obviously.
Dareon: SAAAMMM!!! How’s it going man! Have you met my wife?
Sam: Dude, you were supposed to be getting food and shit for Aemon.
Dareon: FUCK THAT. Aemon is dead, and we all know it.
Sam: How can you be here breaking your vows?!
Dareon: Brekaing my vows? Oh come on. Those chasity vows don’t mean SHIT, even in Westeros. So do you think they matter in Essos? No fucking way. Besides, don’t act like you haven’t been fucking that wilding girl on the ship.
Sam: No, not in the books. But in the show I did.
Dareon: SEE?!
Sam: Come on! We’ve got to go! We’ve got to go learn about these dragons you heard about.
Dareon: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Get the hell away from me. Get out of my life. I’m done with the Night’s Watch. I’m living here forever!
Dareon takes off his black cloak and throws it at Sam.
Sam: GGRRRR!!! TAKE THIS!
Sam throws a punch at Dareon, but it’s super weak sauce because Sam is sort of a bitch. OH WAIT. THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL!!!! Sam jumps on top of Dareon and begins to PUMMEL THE FUCK AT HIM. This whole time, Sam, who has been too scared to fight, is apparently a mixed martial arts master.
Mike Tirico: OH MY, do you see this, Shaq? Sam is taking out Dareon just like Khabib Nurmagomedov took out Conor McGregor to defend the UFC Lightweight Championship!
Shaq: Something something Icy Hot.
Eventually, a bunch of staff at the brothel pull Sam off of Dareon and throw him out of the brothel and into a canal.
Sam: AGHH!!! AGHHHH! As apparently good as I am at fighting, I’m as bad at swimming!
Sam nearly drowns as he flails around, only to feel his hand grabbed. He’s pulled out and sees a large guy from the Summer Isles.
Sam: Oh, thank you random guy from the Summer Isles!
Random Guy: HEY! How do you know I’m from the Summer Isles? Is it because “from the Summer Isles” is a code work for BLACK? Are you racially profiling me?!
Sam: No! I mean.. I… no… it’s just that the narrator said you are from the Summer Isles!
Random Guy: Oh, did he now? DID HE? And how would you know what the narrator said? The narrator exists on a plan of existence above the characters and generally doesn’t interact with the characters!
Sam: Typically in stories, yes. But in this blog it’s a bit different. Also, I’m probably the narrator of the series, and I’m the one who writes “A Song of Ice and Fire” to tell the story of what happened. So that’s why.
Random Guy: HAHAHAHA, man I was just fucking with you anyway. I am from the Summer Isles. Pleased to meet you. My name is Xhondo. BY the way, you owe me a lot of feathers for all the ones I got ruined, pulling you out of this canal.
Sam: Really, feathers? Are feathers super valuable?
Xhondo: Maybe.
Sam: So why did you pull me out?
Xhondo: Well, I saw everything that happened in that brothel. And I heard you talking to that shitty singer guy about the dragons.
Sam: Uh huh. Go on.
Xhondo: I know where you can find these dragons.
Sam: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
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