Cold open.
Tommen: BUT I WANNA SIT ON THE THRONE!
Cersei: No. It’s thorny. You’ll hurt yourself.
Tommen: I’M THE KING! I WANT TO SIT ON THE THRONE! And I want to go to the Small Council meetings!
Cersei: Why the hell would you want to do that? They’re boring as hell. Trust me, I know.
Tommen: I’M THE KING! The Small Council is supposed to advise the king! How am I supposed to be the king if I never hear their advise!
Cersei: Ugh. Just where the hell is all this nonsense getting into your head from? I bet it’s that fucking cunt Margaery, isn’t it? GRRR! I hate her! Everything that is wrong in the world is due to other women who are not me! It’s Margaery, isn’t it? Tell me!
Tommen: Uhh… ermm… no? I just thought of it on my own BECAUSE I’M KING!
Cersei: NO! You don’t get to do any of that until you’re older. NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Tommen: WHAAA!!!!
Cersei: Stupid Margaery. Trying to cheat me out of my time in the sun. Well, I’ll show her. I’ll show them all!
Later that day… at the Small Council Meeting…
Maester Pycelle: …and there is that matter of White Harbor. Lord Wyman Manderly reports to us that he has obeyed he ultimatum we gave him about his captive, Lord Stannis’s onion knight, Davos… uh… Davos Something-or-Other. He has been beheaded.
Cersei: Good, good! Excellent. If it is true, of course. Manderly is a northerner and we have his son as a hostage. He was initially loyal to the Starks. What proof do we have that this is true?
Pycelle: Lord Manderly has placed the Onion Knight’s head upon a pike in the city for all to see, along with his hands. One of his hands, of course, had the fingers famously cut off at the knuckles. Some of our Frey allies are in the White Harbor have confirmed that they have seen this head and the knuckle-less hand on the pikes. It is surely the Onion Knight. I mean… how else would it be possible to fake that? Cut off SOMEONE ELSE’S HEAD and then take their fingers and ALSO CUT THEIR KNUCKLES OFF? Sounds implausible.
Cersei: Good! That is all the proof I will ever need! Now I will blindly assume that we have really made traction with the Northmen who will all side with us against Stannis! Have Manderly’s son returned to him. Now what is the next order of business?
Pycelle: Mace Tyrell’s army falters at Storm’s End and makes no progress.
Cersei: Of course it does because Mace Tyrell is fucking incompetent. NEXT!
Pycelle: Noho Dimittis from the Iron Bank of Braavos has arrived, demanding an audience to speak about our debt to the Iron Bank.
Cersei: NOPE. Tell the Iron Bank that we are in the middle of a war and they will be paid back when the rebellion is over. Okay. Anything else? No? Fine… then I’m OUT! I have an important… uhh… meeting that I need to attend.
She sneaks off to secretly meet with Ser Osney Kettleblack.
Cersei: So, how is operation “Seduce Margary” going?
Ser Osney: Uh… well… I haven’t slept with her yet.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Osney: I mean… you know… she is the Queen and she’s married to your son. She knows what has happened in the past to queens who cheat on their kings. Maybe she simply has no interest in cheating on Tommen.
Cersei: NONSENSE! SHE IS A FILTHY WHORE! ALL WOMEN EXCEPT FOR ME ARE FILTHY WHORES! OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE AT FAULT!
Osney: Uhh…
Cersei: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! IF YOU’RE NOT COMPETANT ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS YOURSELF, I WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!
And so she leaves. Next she’s out in the courtyard of the Red Keep and sees Tommen there, jousting.
Tommen: Weeeee! Jousting is so much fun!
Margaery: Oh, my brave husband! You’re so good at this! Good work!
Loras: Hahaha, yes young King Tommen. An excellent fighter you will be one day when you are a grown man. Better than me, I think!
Cersei: JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Tommen: Mommy! Mommy! Look! Ser Loras is teaching me to joust! I’m getting so much better! I hit the quintain every time.
Cersei: WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD DO THIS?! JOUSTING IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST STOP!
Tommen: I told them I wanted to joust myself, mommy! Nobody told me to do this. I’m the king and so I told Loras to teach me because he’s the best!
Loras: Oh, but I fear not for long with you learning so fast, your majesty! Dear Queen Cersei, you have nothing to fear for the safety of your boy. I have made sure that he will be in no danger. Besides, he is quite good at this!
Cersei: Well OBVIOUSLY he’s fucking good at it, you dipshit Tyrell fucker. It’s in his blood! His father was a great jouster too and won many tournaments.
Margaery: Oh! Why that’s wonderful! I didn’t know that at all. We have all heard stories about your late husband, our dear King Robert’s, amazing melee skills. He was the best melee fighter there was! But I have never, EVER, EVER, A SINGLE TIME EVER heard a single story about his jousting skills or him winning tournaments! Please, dear sister! We must sit and you can tell us all about Robert’s jousting stories! I wish for you to talk about all the tournaments he won!
Cersei: …
Margaery: …
Cersei: …
Loras: …
Tommen: …Yeah mommy! I didn’t know daddy could joust either! I remember him saying how he hated jousting. Now Uncle Jaime… he’s a great jouster!
Cersei: YOU’RE NOT HELPING, TOMMEN!!!
Tommen: Huh?
Cersei: LORAS! A WORD WITH YOU! NOW!
She pulls Loras over to the side.
Cersei: You are a member of the Kingsguard. It is NOT your job to train the king. That is what we have a Master-at-Arms for. It is your job to DIE for the king.
Loras: Aye, Cersei. I agree totally. But the last Master of Arms, Aron Santagar, was murdered in the uprising that happened when that crowd attacked the convoy that returned from dropping off Princess Myrcella at the harbor to send her off to Dorne. And he’s not just dead. He’s super dead. His face got smashed to a pulp and they weren’t even able to identify him by his non-existent head. Needless to say, he won’t be training Tommen.
Cersei: I KNOW THAT, FOOL! Obviously that is a vacancy I have been meaning to fill. I’ll get around to it.
Loras: In the meantime, I should train the boy. When I was younger than him, I was already a squire to your brother-in-law, Renly. The boy should be a squire by now if he means to ever be knight or true warrior.
Cersei: Oh… that’s fucking rich. You want me to make Tommen your fucking SQUIRE?! He is YOUR KING, NOT YOUR SQUIRE! I see what’s happening here… you’re trying to win him over to your side! Trying to get him on Team Tyrell! I know how “close” you got with Renly when you squired with him… don’t think that shit is going to work with me, bitch!
Loras: What?... What are you talking about? My side? My team? We’re on the SAME SIDE, Cersei. We’re on the same team.
Cersei, without answering, sticks both middle fingers in Loras’s face, turns around, grabs Tommen by the arm harshly, and storms out with him.
Tommen: OW! OW! OW! Stop mommy! I think you just dislocated my arm!
Loras: WHICH I NEVER DID, BY THE WAY! BECAUSE THIS JOUSTING WAS SAFE AND I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR SON AND SUPPORTING HIM AND HELPING HIM GROW UP TO BE A MAN! WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP BABYING HIM!
She pretends not to hear it. Because she’s an irrational bitch.
Yet later again, Cersei meets with her new, favorite and absolutely creepy yes-person, Qyburn.
Qyburn: My lady, I have news from the Free Cities about a slave revolt in Astapor which has now spread to Meereen.
Cersei: Boring. Don’t care. Things happening on another continent far away from me will never effect my life and so I will ignore them. That’s what GREAT rulers do. Tell me something a little closer to home that I might care about.
Qyburn: In Dorne, the young daughter of Symon Santagar, the Knight of Spottswood, Sylva, has suddenly been wed the 70-year old Lord Eldon Estermont.
Cersei: Holy crap. Another Santagar? There are only like three Santagars in this entire book series that have ever been mentioned and ALL THREE were just mentioned in this chapter. Aron. Symon. Sylva. How crazy is that? Also, why the fuck should I care about Sylva Santagar being wed?
Qyburn: Well, she is related to you. Only remotely though and through your husband, Robert.
Cersei: Really. How?
Qyburn: Ah, well that’s a tricky question, you see. Robert’s mother was Lady Cassana Estermont, who married Lord Steffon Baratheon and they both died at sea in that same shipwreck that drove Patchface fucking crazy and/or turned him into am amazing prophet that sings little jingles that predict the future. But the details on how Lady Cassana and Lord Eldon Estermont are related is debatable. Within the text of A Clash of Kings and A Storm of Swords, an unnamed and still-alive “Lord Estermont” was referred to as Stannis’s grandfather, i.e. Lady Cassana’s father. Those same books provide appendixes which clearly refer to Eldon as an uncle to Renly, Stannis and Robert, and hence a brother to Cassana. So, therefore, the unnamed and surprisingly still-alive Lord Estermont in those books would be the father to both Eldon and Cassana. Those books also say that the two have another brother named Lomas, and that Eldon has a son named Aemon, and that Aemon has a son named Alyn. The text and appendix of this book, A Feast for Crows, begins to slightly complicate things though, by implying that Eldon is the Lord Estermont. As in, the unnamed one. So which is it? Is Eldon the Lord or is his father the Lord? The appendix here still refers to Eldon as an uncle to Stannis, which would still make him Cassana’s sister. One way to explain this seeming error is to assume that the elderly and unnamed Lord Estermont mentioned in the previous books had just died, and therefore Eldon is now the Lord and there is no error. Maybe? But then we get to A Dance with Dragons, as well as A World of Ice and Fire, and things now get harder to explain rather than easier. Those sources now say that Eldon is a brother to the initially unnamed Lord Estermont, which implies that that unnamed Lord Estermont must have died and that Eldon took over because the unnamed Lord Estermont had no male heirs, with Cassana being either the unnamed lord’s only child, or at the very least his only surviving child if there had once been male heirs. Now instead of being a brother to Casssana, Eldon is now an uncle to Cassana. And remember their brother that they both previously had named Lomas? Well now Lomas has shifted to be a son of Eldon rather than a brother, albeit a younger son to his previously mentioned son, Aemon. Or at least I think that’s the story. I might be wrong and it might be EVEN MORE complicated than that. Basically, GRRM made a continuity error with this family, tried to fix it, and then only made things worse.
Cersei: I wish I could somehow un-ask that question and get the last five minutes of my life back. So… again… please tell me WHY THE FUCK I WOULD CARE about this distant non-blood relative.
Qyburn: Don’t you think it’s super weird that Sylva Santagar got married to this old dude suddenly and without notice?
Cersei: No. I barely know anything about the Estermonts. All I know is that I was at their castle in Greenstone once while my drunk-ass, nasty husband tried to seduce his own widowed cousin. While he was doing that... Jaime came into my bedchamber and… well… I like to think that’s the night that Joffrey was conceived but… WAIT… FORGET I SAID THAT! FORGET IT!
Qyburn: Forget you said what, my Queen?
Cersei: Yeah, that’s what I thought. And don’t even DARE to try to figure out what the name of the Estermont cousin might be or how exactly she was related to Robert, because that would be an exercise in futility with this jacked up Estermont family tree.
Qyburn: Anyway, another reason you might care about this marriage, my Queen, is that this Sylva girl was very close with Daemon Sand and Princess Arianne. And I have word that Daemon Sand was recently arrested for trying to free the Sand Snakes who wished to lead a rebellion in Dorne and declare war on the Lannisters in retaliation for the death of The Red Viper.
Cersei: Ah, well you should have told me that in the first place instead of reading me multiple fucking contradictory genealogy tables. Got any other treason-related gossip for me?
Qyburn: There is a puppet show being put on in the streets. In this puppet show, a pride of lions are devoured by a dragon.
Cersei: Ugh. Metaphors. Okay, execute the puppeteers and take out one eye from anyone caught watching the show. Unless they are a noble-person. In which case give them a giant fine.
Qyburn: May I ask permission to perform experiments on any female puppeteers that are arrested, as opposed to executing them outright? The last girls you gave me are rather… exhausted.
Cersei shudders and almost vomits in her mouth. However…
Cersei: Yeah, you sick fuck. Please just DO NOT TELL ME whatever the hell it is you do with them.
After that conversation, Cersei feels filthy and goes to take a bath. But as she’s in the bath, Jaime and Tommen come in the door and interrupt her. She has to take the cucumbers off of her eyes.
Cersei: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Tommen: I WANT LORAS TO TRAIN ME, MOMMY!
Cersei: Ugh. This shit again? No. Wait until I appoint a new master-at-arms.
Tommen: NO! I AM THE KING! I WANT LORAS NOW!
Jaime: Hehehehehe. That’s probably what Renly said too.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Jaime: Nothing.
Cersei: And why the hell are you laughing at anyway, Jaime? Shouldn’t you help discipline our s—uhhh… your nephew! No! You’re just laughing with him as he defies me!
Jaime: Pretty much. Because he's hilarious. And right. The boy does need to train.
Cersei: Tommen, you’re being a foolish boy and Ser Loras has more important things to do than train you.
Tommen: I HATE YOU MOMMY! BOOO!!!
He runs out.
Cersei: Ugh. Why must everyone defy me because I am a woman?
Jaime: Why you always gotta play the woman card? Maybe people disagree with you sometimes because you’re wrong?
Cersei: GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!!
Jaime: Are you sure? Maybe you mean “get off” instead? Cuz you look pretty hot in that bathtub. Maybe I can come in there with you and fingerblast you with this golden—
Cersei: LEAVE, YOU BEAUTIFUL, STUPID GOLDEN FOOL! LEAVE! I HATE YOU!
Jaime looks at this bish like she crazy. Because SHE IS. He leaves.
Cersei: GRRR! I can’t believe that Jaime has turned on me too! Everyone! All of my closest advisors… my direct family Members who I have known for my whole life and have always been there for me… now THEY ARE MY ENEMIES! I can only trust BRAND NEW PEOPLE WHO I BARELY KNOW like Qyburn, the Kettleblacks, and this strange suck-up lady called Taena Merryweather. YES! I CLEARLY MUST TRUST THESE PEOPLE INSTEAD of trusting Pycelle, Jaime, and Uncle Kevan who have all been spending their entire lives to protect the Lannister family. This is a reasonable course of action for me that will only lead to great triumphs!
For dinner that night, Cersei dines with Lady Falyse Stokeworth and her husband, Balman Byrch.
Cersei: Oh, isn’t it horrible that Lady Tanda had a tragic riding accident and that she’s now unlikely to survive for long? Oh, also… I do not blame you for Lolly’s stupid decision to name her child “Tyrion.” It’s all this Bronn guy’s fault. He’s a puppet of Tyrion still and he’s plotting against me! He wants to kill Tommen too and take the crown!
Falyse: *GASP*
Balman: The horror! Tell me, Queen. What can we do to help!
Cersei: Well… I suppose Bronn could have a horrible accident happen to him and die!
Balman: Yes. I guess it would be wonderful if that coincidentally happened. But the odds are against it, I guess.
Cersei: Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not using my ironic voice clearly enough? Do you need floating quotation marks around what I’m saying? Fine. Here we go. I suppose Bronn could have a “horrible accident” happen to him and die!
Balman: Well yes, like I said. That would… oh… ah. Aye. I see now. Yes, Queen. I will look into that for you.
Afterwards, she goes to check on her son and finds him asleep in his bedroom as Meryn Trant guards the door. Tommen is sleeping with three kittens.
Cersei: DAMNIT! Margaery gave him KITTENS too?
Trant: Yep.
Cersei: Disgusting! What a shitty, clumsy attempt to win Tommen over to her side! By constantly giving him gifts, affection and love. By wanting to be close to him and care for him! DISGUSTING, I SAY! She’ll never be able to figure out what true love is… and that’s the love I had for Rhaegar! We would have totally been married… I know it! Too bad my stupid father ruined everything by pissing mad King Aerys off! All of this is his fault! He made Maggy the Frog’s curse turn true! I should have been the mother of Rhaegar’s kids! Then he would have never looked twice at that stupid wolf girl. Stupid Robert could have had her. I’ll never forgive him for killing Rhaegar! But then again… a Lioness never forgives! Bronn of the Blackwater will soon learn that! MWAHAHAHA!
Trant: Uh… m’am. Do you really want me to be here for this ranting soliloquy or did you just forget that I was here?
Cersei: The latter.
Tommen: BUT I WANNA SIT ON THE THRONE!
Cersei: No. It’s thorny. You’ll hurt yourself.
Tommen: I’M THE KING! I WANT TO SIT ON THE THRONE! And I want to go to the Small Council meetings!
Cersei: Why the hell would you want to do that? They’re boring as hell. Trust me, I know.
Tommen: I’M THE KING! The Small Council is supposed to advise the king! How am I supposed to be the king if I never hear their advise!
Cersei: Ugh. Just where the hell is all this nonsense getting into your head from? I bet it’s that fucking cunt Margaery, isn’t it? GRRR! I hate her! Everything that is wrong in the world is due to other women who are not me! It’s Margaery, isn’t it? Tell me!
Tommen: Uhh… ermm… no? I just thought of it on my own BECAUSE I’M KING!
Cersei: NO! You don’t get to do any of that until you’re older. NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Tommen: WHAAA!!!!
Cersei: Stupid Margaery. Trying to cheat me out of my time in the sun. Well, I’ll show her. I’ll show them all!
Later that day… at the Small Council Meeting…
Maester Pycelle: …and there is that matter of White Harbor. Lord Wyman Manderly reports to us that he has obeyed he ultimatum we gave him about his captive, Lord Stannis’s onion knight, Davos… uh… Davos Something-or-Other. He has been beheaded.
Cersei: Good, good! Excellent. If it is true, of course. Manderly is a northerner and we have his son as a hostage. He was initially loyal to the Starks. What proof do we have that this is true?
Pycelle: Lord Manderly has placed the Onion Knight’s head upon a pike in the city for all to see, along with his hands. One of his hands, of course, had the fingers famously cut off at the knuckles. Some of our Frey allies are in the White Harbor have confirmed that they have seen this head and the knuckle-less hand on the pikes. It is surely the Onion Knight. I mean… how else would it be possible to fake that? Cut off SOMEONE ELSE’S HEAD and then take their fingers and ALSO CUT THEIR KNUCKLES OFF? Sounds implausible.
Cersei: Good! That is all the proof I will ever need! Now I will blindly assume that we have really made traction with the Northmen who will all side with us against Stannis! Have Manderly’s son returned to him. Now what is the next order of business?
Pycelle: Mace Tyrell’s army falters at Storm’s End and makes no progress.
Cersei: Of course it does because Mace Tyrell is fucking incompetent. NEXT!
Pycelle: Noho Dimittis from the Iron Bank of Braavos has arrived, demanding an audience to speak about our debt to the Iron Bank.
Cersei: NOPE. Tell the Iron Bank that we are in the middle of a war and they will be paid back when the rebellion is over. Okay. Anything else? No? Fine… then I’m OUT! I have an important… uhh… meeting that I need to attend.
She sneaks off to secretly meet with Ser Osney Kettleblack.
Cersei: So, how is operation “Seduce Margary” going?
Ser Osney: Uh… well… I haven’t slept with her yet.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Osney: I mean… you know… she is the Queen and she’s married to your son. She knows what has happened in the past to queens who cheat on their kings. Maybe she simply has no interest in cheating on Tommen.
Cersei: NONSENSE! SHE IS A FILTHY WHORE! ALL WOMEN EXCEPT FOR ME ARE FILTHY WHORES! OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE AT FAULT!
Osney: Uhh…
Cersei: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! IF YOU’RE NOT COMPETANT ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS YOURSELF, I WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!
And so she leaves. Next she’s out in the courtyard of the Red Keep and sees Tommen there, jousting.
Tommen: Weeeee! Jousting is so much fun!
Margaery: Oh, my brave husband! You’re so good at this! Good work!
Loras: Hahaha, yes young King Tommen. An excellent fighter you will be one day when you are a grown man. Better than me, I think!
Cersei: JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Tommen: Mommy! Mommy! Look! Ser Loras is teaching me to joust! I’m getting so much better! I hit the quintain every time.
Cersei: WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD DO THIS?! JOUSTING IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST STOP!
Tommen: I told them I wanted to joust myself, mommy! Nobody told me to do this. I’m the king and so I told Loras to teach me because he’s the best!
Loras: Oh, but I fear not for long with you learning so fast, your majesty! Dear Queen Cersei, you have nothing to fear for the safety of your boy. I have made sure that he will be in no danger. Besides, he is quite good at this!
Cersei: Well OBVIOUSLY he’s fucking good at it, you dipshit Tyrell fucker. It’s in his blood! His father was a great jouster too and won many tournaments.
Margaery: Oh! Why that’s wonderful! I didn’t know that at all. We have all heard stories about your late husband, our dear King Robert’s, amazing melee skills. He was the best melee fighter there was! But I have never, EVER, EVER, A SINGLE TIME EVER heard a single story about his jousting skills or him winning tournaments! Please, dear sister! We must sit and you can tell us all about Robert’s jousting stories! I wish for you to talk about all the tournaments he won!
Cersei: …
Margaery: …
Cersei: …
Loras: …
Tommen: …Yeah mommy! I didn’t know daddy could joust either! I remember him saying how he hated jousting. Now Uncle Jaime… he’s a great jouster!
Cersei: YOU’RE NOT HELPING, TOMMEN!!!
Tommen: Huh?
Cersei: LORAS! A WORD WITH YOU! NOW!
She pulls Loras over to the side.
Cersei: You are a member of the Kingsguard. It is NOT your job to train the king. That is what we have a Master-at-Arms for. It is your job to DIE for the king.
Loras: Aye, Cersei. I agree totally. But the last Master of Arms, Aron Santagar, was murdered in the uprising that happened when that crowd attacked the convoy that returned from dropping off Princess Myrcella at the harbor to send her off to Dorne. And he’s not just dead. He’s super dead. His face got smashed to a pulp and they weren’t even able to identify him by his non-existent head. Needless to say, he won’t be training Tommen.
Cersei: I KNOW THAT, FOOL! Obviously that is a vacancy I have been meaning to fill. I’ll get around to it.
Loras: In the meantime, I should train the boy. When I was younger than him, I was already a squire to your brother-in-law, Renly. The boy should be a squire by now if he means to ever be knight or true warrior.
Cersei: Oh… that’s fucking rich. You want me to make Tommen your fucking SQUIRE?! He is YOUR KING, NOT YOUR SQUIRE! I see what’s happening here… you’re trying to win him over to your side! Trying to get him on Team Tyrell! I know how “close” you got with Renly when you squired with him… don’t think that shit is going to work with me, bitch!
Loras: What?... What are you talking about? My side? My team? We’re on the SAME SIDE, Cersei. We’re on the same team.
Cersei, without answering, sticks both middle fingers in Loras’s face, turns around, grabs Tommen by the arm harshly, and storms out with him.
Tommen: OW! OW! OW! Stop mommy! I think you just dislocated my arm!
Loras: WHICH I NEVER DID, BY THE WAY! BECAUSE THIS JOUSTING WAS SAFE AND I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR SON AND SUPPORTING HIM AND HELPING HIM GROW UP TO BE A MAN! WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP BABYING HIM!
She pretends not to hear it. Because she’s an irrational bitch.
Yet later again, Cersei meets with her new, favorite and absolutely creepy yes-person, Qyburn.
Qyburn: My lady, I have news from the Free Cities about a slave revolt in Astapor which has now spread to Meereen.
Cersei: Boring. Don’t care. Things happening on another continent far away from me will never effect my life and so I will ignore them. That’s what GREAT rulers do. Tell me something a little closer to home that I might care about.
Qyburn: In Dorne, the young daughter of Symon Santagar, the Knight of Spottswood, Sylva, has suddenly been wed the 70-year old Lord Eldon Estermont.
Cersei: Holy crap. Another Santagar? There are only like three Santagars in this entire book series that have ever been mentioned and ALL THREE were just mentioned in this chapter. Aron. Symon. Sylva. How crazy is that? Also, why the fuck should I care about Sylva Santagar being wed?
Qyburn: Well, she is related to you. Only remotely though and through your husband, Robert.
Cersei: Really. How?
Qyburn: Ah, well that’s a tricky question, you see. Robert’s mother was Lady Cassana Estermont, who married Lord Steffon Baratheon and they both died at sea in that same shipwreck that drove Patchface fucking crazy and/or turned him into am amazing prophet that sings little jingles that predict the future. But the details on how Lady Cassana and Lord Eldon Estermont are related is debatable. Within the text of A Clash of Kings and A Storm of Swords, an unnamed and still-alive “Lord Estermont” was referred to as Stannis’s grandfather, i.e. Lady Cassana’s father. Those same books provide appendixes which clearly refer to Eldon as an uncle to Renly, Stannis and Robert, and hence a brother to Cassana. So, therefore, the unnamed and surprisingly still-alive Lord Estermont in those books would be the father to both Eldon and Cassana. Those books also say that the two have another brother named Lomas, and that Eldon has a son named Aemon, and that Aemon has a son named Alyn. The text and appendix of this book, A Feast for Crows, begins to slightly complicate things though, by implying that Eldon is the Lord Estermont. As in, the unnamed one. So which is it? Is Eldon the Lord or is his father the Lord? The appendix here still refers to Eldon as an uncle to Stannis, which would still make him Cassana’s sister. One way to explain this seeming error is to assume that the elderly and unnamed Lord Estermont mentioned in the previous books had just died, and therefore Eldon is now the Lord and there is no error. Maybe? But then we get to A Dance with Dragons, as well as A World of Ice and Fire, and things now get harder to explain rather than easier. Those sources now say that Eldon is a brother to the initially unnamed Lord Estermont, which implies that that unnamed Lord Estermont must have died and that Eldon took over because the unnamed Lord Estermont had no male heirs, with Cassana being either the unnamed lord’s only child, or at the very least his only surviving child if there had once been male heirs. Now instead of being a brother to Casssana, Eldon is now an uncle to Cassana. And remember their brother that they both previously had named Lomas? Well now Lomas has shifted to be a son of Eldon rather than a brother, albeit a younger son to his previously mentioned son, Aemon. Or at least I think that’s the story. I might be wrong and it might be EVEN MORE complicated than that. Basically, GRRM made a continuity error with this family, tried to fix it, and then only made things worse.
Cersei: I wish I could somehow un-ask that question and get the last five minutes of my life back. So… again… please tell me WHY THE FUCK I WOULD CARE about this distant non-blood relative.
Qyburn: Don’t you think it’s super weird that Sylva Santagar got married to this old dude suddenly and without notice?
Cersei: No. I barely know anything about the Estermonts. All I know is that I was at their castle in Greenstone once while my drunk-ass, nasty husband tried to seduce his own widowed cousin. While he was doing that... Jaime came into my bedchamber and… well… I like to think that’s the night that Joffrey was conceived but… WAIT… FORGET I SAID THAT! FORGET IT!
Qyburn: Forget you said what, my Queen?
Cersei: Yeah, that’s what I thought. And don’t even DARE to try to figure out what the name of the Estermont cousin might be or how exactly she was related to Robert, because that would be an exercise in futility with this jacked up Estermont family tree.
Qyburn: Anyway, another reason you might care about this marriage, my Queen, is that this Sylva girl was very close with Daemon Sand and Princess Arianne. And I have word that Daemon Sand was recently arrested for trying to free the Sand Snakes who wished to lead a rebellion in Dorne and declare war on the Lannisters in retaliation for the death of The Red Viper.
Cersei: Ah, well you should have told me that in the first place instead of reading me multiple fucking contradictory genealogy tables. Got any other treason-related gossip for me?
Qyburn: There is a puppet show being put on in the streets. In this puppet show, a pride of lions are devoured by a dragon.
Cersei: Ugh. Metaphors. Okay, execute the puppeteers and take out one eye from anyone caught watching the show. Unless they are a noble-person. In which case give them a giant fine.
Qyburn: May I ask permission to perform experiments on any female puppeteers that are arrested, as opposed to executing them outright? The last girls you gave me are rather… exhausted.
Cersei shudders and almost vomits in her mouth. However…
Cersei: Yeah, you sick fuck. Please just DO NOT TELL ME whatever the hell it is you do with them.
After that conversation, Cersei feels filthy and goes to take a bath. But as she’s in the bath, Jaime and Tommen come in the door and interrupt her. She has to take the cucumbers off of her eyes.
Cersei: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Tommen: I WANT LORAS TO TRAIN ME, MOMMY!
Cersei: Ugh. This shit again? No. Wait until I appoint a new master-at-arms.
Tommen: NO! I AM THE KING! I WANT LORAS NOW!
Jaime: Hehehehehe. That’s probably what Renly said too.
Cersei: WHAT?!
Jaime: Nothing.
Cersei: And why the hell are you laughing at anyway, Jaime? Shouldn’t you help discipline our s—uhhh… your nephew! No! You’re just laughing with him as he defies me!
Jaime: Pretty much. Because he's hilarious. And right. The boy does need to train.
Cersei: Tommen, you’re being a foolish boy and Ser Loras has more important things to do than train you.
Tommen: I HATE YOU MOMMY! BOOO!!!
He runs out.
Cersei: Ugh. Why must everyone defy me because I am a woman?
Jaime: Why you always gotta play the woman card? Maybe people disagree with you sometimes because you’re wrong?
Cersei: GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!!
Jaime: Are you sure? Maybe you mean “get off” instead? Cuz you look pretty hot in that bathtub. Maybe I can come in there with you and fingerblast you with this golden—
Cersei: LEAVE, YOU BEAUTIFUL, STUPID GOLDEN FOOL! LEAVE! I HATE YOU!
Jaime looks at this bish like she crazy. Because SHE IS. He leaves.
Cersei: GRRR! I can’t believe that Jaime has turned on me too! Everyone! All of my closest advisors… my direct family Members who I have known for my whole life and have always been there for me… now THEY ARE MY ENEMIES! I can only trust BRAND NEW PEOPLE WHO I BARELY KNOW like Qyburn, the Kettleblacks, and this strange suck-up lady called Taena Merryweather. YES! I CLEARLY MUST TRUST THESE PEOPLE INSTEAD of trusting Pycelle, Jaime, and Uncle Kevan who have all been spending their entire lives to protect the Lannister family. This is a reasonable course of action for me that will only lead to great triumphs!
For dinner that night, Cersei dines with Lady Falyse Stokeworth and her husband, Balman Byrch.
Cersei: Oh, isn’t it horrible that Lady Tanda had a tragic riding accident and that she’s now unlikely to survive for long? Oh, also… I do not blame you for Lolly’s stupid decision to name her child “Tyrion.” It’s all this Bronn guy’s fault. He’s a puppet of Tyrion still and he’s plotting against me! He wants to kill Tommen too and take the crown!
Falyse: *GASP*
Balman: The horror! Tell me, Queen. What can we do to help!
Cersei: Well… I suppose Bronn could have a horrible accident happen to him and die!
Balman: Yes. I guess it would be wonderful if that coincidentally happened. But the odds are against it, I guess.
Cersei: Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not using my ironic voice clearly enough? Do you need floating quotation marks around what I’m saying? Fine. Here we go. I suppose Bronn could have a “horrible accident” happen to him and die!
Balman: Well yes, like I said. That would… oh… ah. Aye. I see now. Yes, Queen. I will look into that for you.
Afterwards, she goes to check on her son and finds him asleep in his bedroom as Meryn Trant guards the door. Tommen is sleeping with three kittens.
Cersei: DAMNIT! Margaery gave him KITTENS too?
Trant: Yep.
Cersei: Disgusting! What a shitty, clumsy attempt to win Tommen over to her side! By constantly giving him gifts, affection and love. By wanting to be close to him and care for him! DISGUSTING, I SAY! She’ll never be able to figure out what true love is… and that’s the love I had for Rhaegar! We would have totally been married… I know it! Too bad my stupid father ruined everything by pissing mad King Aerys off! All of this is his fault! He made Maggy the Frog’s curse turn true! I should have been the mother of Rhaegar’s kids! Then he would have never looked twice at that stupid wolf girl. Stupid Robert could have had her. I’ll never forgive him for killing Rhaegar! But then again… a Lioness never forgives! Bronn of the Blackwater will soon learn that! MWAHAHAHA!
Trant: Uh… m’am. Do you really want me to be here for this ranting soliloquy or did you just forget that I was here?
Cersei: The latter.
~~~~
Addendum:
It look me about four hours to write this one, because I was researching that stupid, stupid Estermont family tree. So if you feel like you wasted your time reading Qyburn's 450-word explanation about Eldon Estermont's blood relations... you have nothing on how I feel after writing it.
It look me about four hours to write this one, because I was researching that stupid, stupid Estermont family tree. So if you feel like you wasted your time reading Qyburn's 450-word explanation about Eldon Estermont's blood relations... you have nothing on how I feel after writing it.
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