Cersei and Lady Taena Merryweather ride in a coach to see the new High Septon.
Cersei: Ugh, this is the worst. I’m going to tell that new High Septon a thing or two! The nerve of that guy! Why the hell am I —the QUEEN—summoned to see him? And also, why has he not yet come to give Tommen his blessing as the King?
Taena: Yeah, I know, right? What an ass! I bet you’ll set him straight.
Cersei: UGH. Why is my dress so tight around the stomach? Those idiot washerwomen. They must have ruined it!
Taena: Right. Or you got pregnant.
Cersei: Huh?
Taena: Oh, nothing.
Cersei: Anyway, while riding in this coach, we might as well make some small talk. How are things going with that whole “spying on Margaery” thing you’re doing for me? Has she taken an interest on any men in her company? Or got any juicy gossip about how Margaery isn’t really a virgin because Renly banged her out?
Taena: Uhm… no. I don’t really have any info on stuff like that. And the only guy she likes to hang around is her brother, Loras. He’s totally devoted to her.
Cersei: That's not what I wanted to hear, but I suppose I can work with that. Make up some crazy incest story. After all, people believe that nonsense about me.
Taena: Well, it’s true with you.
Cersei: *shifty eyes*
Taena: *whistles like she didn’t say anything*
Cersei: Oh, Taena! You’re just the best! You know… you have a young son that is about Tommen’s age. You should bring him to court with you, so that they can be best fri—
The coach comes to an abrupt stop.
Cersei: AGH! Whiplash! What the hell! Coach driver! Coach driver! What the hell is going on?!
She steps out and sees a group of sparrows all blocking entry into Visenya’s Hill, the entry way up to the Sept of Baelor.
Cersei: Ugh. Look at all these filthy hobos! Disgusting! And look what they’ve done to the sacred statue of Baelor the Blessed! They’ve thrown disgusting piles of flesh and bone all over it! Human remains! Why look! It appears that it has even attracted a large gathering of crows. Crows that will enjoy a feast on the dry, leathery corpses!
Taena: …
Cersei: …
Taena: *whew.* I guess that wasn’t close enough to saying “the magic words” for Chairry and Cowboy Curtis to come out.
Cersei: Anyway. It’s DISGUSTING! How could anyone defile this area with something like this? What kind of horrible, horrible monster, born of a wicked bitch mother, could ever denigrate this holy place?
Sparrow: Hey! Didn’t Joffrey do exactly that by executing Ned Stark right here? You know. In front of this very church.
Cersei: …
Sparrow: I guess he did have a wicked bitch mother though.
Cersei: Okay… calm down now, Cersei. Calm down. Your immediate reaction should be to call for the gold cloaks to savagely murder every single person here. But that will cause a riot. So just and pretend like nothing happened. Calm. Calm. Calm.
Sparrow: You know those bones are the bones of murdered holy men and women, right? Priests from all over the kingdom that have been murdered in this war. By Wolf and by Lion!
Cersei’s rage is hitting 100 now, but she’s somehow able to push it down instead of being an illogical, rash moron for one. She decides she has to say something now.
Cersei: Hey! Oh… hey everyone! Yes. I promise to avenge the deaths of all these holy men and women who have been killed. We will find who did these murders and avenge them.
Sparrow: FORGET VENGEANCE! We want you to protect the ones of us who are still alive.
Cersei: SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON’T TALK BACK TO---errm… ahh… I mean, YES! YES! That’s exactly what I mean to speak with the new High Sparrow about!
She quickly squirms her way through the crowd on foot with the help of guards, and makes it to the door of the Sept.
Sparrow Guard: Hey! They’re not allowed in here.
Cersei: Who?! My Queensguard? I am the Queen and I should have a Queensguard!
Sparrow Guard: Okay, first of all, Margaery is the Queen now, you dumb twat. And second… our sept, our rules. We shall have no weapons in this holy place.
Cersei: Twat? You have a pretty rude mouth for a holy sparrow.
Sparrow Guard: Eh. I’m more of like a contractor.
She leaves the guards and walks in. There she finds a super gruff looking motherfucker who is scrubbing the floor. This dude is like the king of the homeless people. If there were a video game where you fought homeless people, this would be the main boss of the homeless. This guy is ROUGH. I mean under the mess of tattered hair, it looks like he could be someone notable. Like a Bond Villain, the Master, Juan Perón, the pope, or even Elizabeth Swan’s dad.
Cersei: Excuse me, random disgusting hobo doing charity work in return for porridge. Could you point out to me the elaborately dressed person wearing riches and gold who must be the new High Sparrow? Because I don’t see anyone who looks like that around here.
Hobo: Uh, I’m the High Sparrow.
Cersei: You’re shitting me.
Hobo High Sparrow: No, it’s me.
Cersei: You’re literally scrubbing the fucking floor of the Sept.
High Sparrow: While I am the High Sparrow, I am but a man like any other. I should be willing to do the same menial tasks that my followers must perform. A true spirit must know humility.
Cersei: Dude, you’ve got to be fucking with me. Really? Okay. So. I get it now. USUALLY you wear awesome stuff like those fine, expensive robes and the brand new expensive crown that we had made for you. But because you’re doing this little five minutes of humble-ness thing you had to take them off to clean the floors? I get it. I wouldn’t want to wear those nice robes and crown while scrubbing either.
High Sparrow: The fancy robes and the crowd have been sold for charity. With all the gold dragons we made from selling those, we can buy lots of food for the poor.
Cersei: WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do you see how many repeating question marks and exclamation points I just put there?!
High Sparrow: Grammatically they mean nothing. I know you’re trying to emphasive an extra level of anger mixed with confusion, but that’s not how that actually works.
Cersei: WE JUST MADE THAT NEW CROWN for the last new High Septon. That shit was solid gold. With diamonds in it! TONS OF DIAMONDS!
High Sparrow: Oh please Cersei, we had it appraised. Those were Swarovski lead glass crystals and you know it. Come, let us kneel before the statue of the crone and pray.
And so they do.
Cersei: Look… uh… these sparrows. You’ve seen that mess they made outside, right? All those bones and flesh? They’re defiling this place.
High Sparrow: You mean like your son when he executed Ned Stark?
Cersei: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRING THAT UP?!
High Sparrow: You know why.
Cersei: Look, I need all those sparrows gone. The city doesn’t have room for them. Kings Landing can’t feed everyone.
High Sparrow: They have nowhere to go. The countryside is full of rapers and pillagers. Not all of whom wear the emblems of Stark of Stannis Baratheon.
Cersei: Okay, okay. I’ll admit that maybe, like, one or two Lannister-allied soldiers have maybe gone bad. Like the Hound. But it’s just that one guy. And I promise that I’ve sent my brother off to hunt him down. And the Hound only went bad when he joined up with Beric Dondarrion and his crew. He’s no longer team Lannister anyway.
High Sparrow: My point is this… there is nobody out there to protect the faith!
Cersei: I mean. I guess our soldiers can do it. You know. When they’re not too busy fighting the war. Or at least I can THINK ABOUT MY SOLDIERS PROTECTING YOU, if you ever get around to blessing Tommen.
High Sparrow: Hrm. Interesting. You want me to bless Tommen and I want you to allow for sparrows to be better protected. If only there was some sort of… deal… we could make.
Cersei: Okay dude, what are you getting at here.
High Sparrow: Well, obviously I know it would be a HUGE burden for you to dedicate all the armed forces around the Seven Kingdoms to protecting priests. What if priests could… like… protect themselves, you know?
Cersei: EXACTLY! EXACTLY! Thank you. Now we’re on the same page. Yes. Do that! Please!
High Sparrow: Well, it’s actually illegal.
Cersei: Huh?
High Sparrow: Remember the law of Maegor the Cruel? It banned the Faith of the Seven from picking up arms. All that nonsense about mixing religion and war being terrible. Leading to holy war and a theocracy. Boooo! Lame stuff!!!!
Cersei: Erm… uhh… yes… I… uhm… of course knew about that. Obviously. Because I’m obviously a very intelligent person and I’m not just fucking winging everything by impulse.
High Sparrow: If you, as the King’s mother, could just have a word with Tommen about ordering a decree that ends the law of Maegor and restores the FAITH MILITANT… then… you know… I think things would be going pretty well. And Tommen would have his blessing.
Cersei: Hrm. Sounds like you really, really, really want this Faith Militant thing, huh? Sounds like it’s worth a lot to you. A lot more than just one silly blessing.
High Sparrow: …
Cersei: Hehe, I see, I see. Don’t show your hand, huh? Sounds like we can bargain a bit more though. Okay. I’ll restore your religious order’s ability to have it’s own ARMED FUNDAMENTALIST MILITARY in return for you both blessing Tommen AND forgiving the massive, massive debt that the crown owes to the Church. You know. Because we’ve been borrowing from you like crazy because Robert and Littlefinger brought financial ruin to the kingdom.
High Sparrow: Ah… forgive all that debt that you were clearly never going to pay back anyway? Why… why… you drive a hard bargain there, Cersei. But you know what? I’m going to accept it! So let’s shake on it!
The High Sparrow spits on his hand and holds it out to Cersei. She looks at it with horror and reluctantly shakes.
Cersei gets up and leaves.
Cersei: Hahahahaha! I really fucked that guy over. He’s going to give Tommen a blessing and forgive a debt to the crown and all I have to do in return is ALLOW FOR HIM TO SET UP A WHOLLY INDEPENDENT RELIGIOUS MILITARY, COMPLETELY AUTONOMOUS OF THE POWER OF THE THRONE. WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?!
Cersei quickly heads back down to her carriage and jumps in with Taena.
Cersei: Hey gurl! Wanna know how it went? Oh, I really showed that guy! Totally fucked him over. I’m getting everything I want! I let that High Septon set up a violently aggressive religious military order that hates and persecutes all other religions. And you know who are enemies are? The Starks… who follow the Northern Old Gods, and Stannis, who follows that crazy Fire God! My masterful planning allowed us to get the blessing for Tommen I wanted, and also CREATE MORE SOLIDERS to fight our enemies!
Taena: Oh good, Cersei! Good! You’re so good at being ruler! And I'd know because I'm the young, manipulative, lying trophy wife of an old lord and therefore my opinion on ruling kingdoms is to be treated as if I were a statesman on the same level as Benjamin Disraeli.
And so they continue on their way, and Cersei is happy as can be. Until her coach runs into Margaery.
Cersei: Ugh. Look at this bitch doing things and existing. Being younger and prettier than me. I hate her. She’s trying to steal Tommen from me! It’s all an elaborate Tyrell plot. Why, I bet the Tyrells are hiding Tyrion at Highgarden. Well I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!
Margaery: I’m sorry. What was that, Cersei? I hear you mumbling to yourself over there.
Cersei: Oh, it’s nothing. What’s up with your cunt ass today?
Margaery: Oh, well we’re going to go riding in the woods. It’s so much fun! Would you care to join us.
Cersei: The woods? I dunno. Sounds dangerous. You need to be careful out there. That’s where Robert died. MWAHAHAHAHA.
Margaery: My brother keeps me well protected, so I have nothing to fear! But that was a strange response. Could maybe you share with me the private jest that leads to your laughter?
Cersei: Heh, I’ll share it with you soon. I promise. Sooooooon! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Margaery: Again with that? Odd.
Cersei: Ugh, this is the worst. I’m going to tell that new High Septon a thing or two! The nerve of that guy! Why the hell am I —the QUEEN—summoned to see him? And also, why has he not yet come to give Tommen his blessing as the King?
Taena: Yeah, I know, right? What an ass! I bet you’ll set him straight.
Cersei: UGH. Why is my dress so tight around the stomach? Those idiot washerwomen. They must have ruined it!
Taena: Right. Or you got pregnant.
Cersei: Huh?
Taena: Oh, nothing.
Cersei: Anyway, while riding in this coach, we might as well make some small talk. How are things going with that whole “spying on Margaery” thing you’re doing for me? Has she taken an interest on any men in her company? Or got any juicy gossip about how Margaery isn’t really a virgin because Renly banged her out?
Taena: Uhm… no. I don’t really have any info on stuff like that. And the only guy she likes to hang around is her brother, Loras. He’s totally devoted to her.
Cersei: That's not what I wanted to hear, but I suppose I can work with that. Make up some crazy incest story. After all, people believe that nonsense about me.
Taena: Well, it’s true with you.
Cersei: *shifty eyes*
Taena: *whistles like she didn’t say anything*
Cersei: Oh, Taena! You’re just the best! You know… you have a young son that is about Tommen’s age. You should bring him to court with you, so that they can be best fri—
The coach comes to an abrupt stop.
Cersei: AGH! Whiplash! What the hell! Coach driver! Coach driver! What the hell is going on?!
She steps out and sees a group of sparrows all blocking entry into Visenya’s Hill, the entry way up to the Sept of Baelor.
Cersei: Ugh. Look at all these filthy hobos! Disgusting! And look what they’ve done to the sacred statue of Baelor the Blessed! They’ve thrown disgusting piles of flesh and bone all over it! Human remains! Why look! It appears that it has even attracted a large gathering of crows. Crows that will enjoy a feast on the dry, leathery corpses!
Taena: …
Cersei: …
Taena: *whew.* I guess that wasn’t close enough to saying “the magic words” for Chairry and Cowboy Curtis to come out.
Cersei: Anyway. It’s DISGUSTING! How could anyone defile this area with something like this? What kind of horrible, horrible monster, born of a wicked bitch mother, could ever denigrate this holy place?
Sparrow: Hey! Didn’t Joffrey do exactly that by executing Ned Stark right here? You know. In front of this very church.
Cersei: …
Sparrow: I guess he did have a wicked bitch mother though.
Cersei: Okay… calm down now, Cersei. Calm down. Your immediate reaction should be to call for the gold cloaks to savagely murder every single person here. But that will cause a riot. So just and pretend like nothing happened. Calm. Calm. Calm.
Sparrow: You know those bones are the bones of murdered holy men and women, right? Priests from all over the kingdom that have been murdered in this war. By Wolf and by Lion!
Cersei’s rage is hitting 100 now, but she’s somehow able to push it down instead of being an illogical, rash moron for one. She decides she has to say something now.
Cersei: Hey! Oh… hey everyone! Yes. I promise to avenge the deaths of all these holy men and women who have been killed. We will find who did these murders and avenge them.
Sparrow: FORGET VENGEANCE! We want you to protect the ones of us who are still alive.
Cersei: SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON’T TALK BACK TO---errm… ahh… I mean, YES! YES! That’s exactly what I mean to speak with the new High Sparrow about!
She quickly squirms her way through the crowd on foot with the help of guards, and makes it to the door of the Sept.
Sparrow Guard: Hey! They’re not allowed in here.
Cersei: Who?! My Queensguard? I am the Queen and I should have a Queensguard!
Sparrow Guard: Okay, first of all, Margaery is the Queen now, you dumb twat. And second… our sept, our rules. We shall have no weapons in this holy place.
Cersei: Twat? You have a pretty rude mouth for a holy sparrow.
Sparrow Guard: Eh. I’m more of like a contractor.
She leaves the guards and walks in. There she finds a super gruff looking motherfucker who is scrubbing the floor. This dude is like the king of the homeless people. If there were a video game where you fought homeless people, this would be the main boss of the homeless. This guy is ROUGH. I mean under the mess of tattered hair, it looks like he could be someone notable. Like a Bond Villain, the Master, Juan Perón, the pope, or even Elizabeth Swan’s dad.
Cersei: Excuse me, random disgusting hobo doing charity work in return for porridge. Could you point out to me the elaborately dressed person wearing riches and gold who must be the new High Sparrow? Because I don’t see anyone who looks like that around here.
Hobo: Uh, I’m the High Sparrow.
Cersei: You’re shitting me.
Cersei: You’re literally scrubbing the fucking floor of the Sept.
High Sparrow: While I am the High Sparrow, I am but a man like any other. I should be willing to do the same menial tasks that my followers must perform. A true spirit must know humility.
Cersei: Dude, you’ve got to be fucking with me. Really? Okay. So. I get it now. USUALLY you wear awesome stuff like those fine, expensive robes and the brand new expensive crown that we had made for you. But because you’re doing this little five minutes of humble-ness thing you had to take them off to clean the floors? I get it. I wouldn’t want to wear those nice robes and crown while scrubbing either.
High Sparrow: The fancy robes and the crowd have been sold for charity. With all the gold dragons we made from selling those, we can buy lots of food for the poor.
Cersei: WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do you see how many repeating question marks and exclamation points I just put there?!
High Sparrow: Grammatically they mean nothing. I know you’re trying to emphasive an extra level of anger mixed with confusion, but that’s not how that actually works.
Cersei: WE JUST MADE THAT NEW CROWN for the last new High Septon. That shit was solid gold. With diamonds in it! TONS OF DIAMONDS!
High Sparrow: Oh please Cersei, we had it appraised. Those were Swarovski lead glass crystals and you know it. Come, let us kneel before the statue of the crone and pray.
And so they do.
Cersei: Look… uh… these sparrows. You’ve seen that mess they made outside, right? All those bones and flesh? They’re defiling this place.
High Sparrow: You mean like your son when he executed Ned Stark?
Cersei: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRING THAT UP?!
High Sparrow: You know why.
Cersei: Look, I need all those sparrows gone. The city doesn’t have room for them. Kings Landing can’t feed everyone.
High Sparrow: They have nowhere to go. The countryside is full of rapers and pillagers. Not all of whom wear the emblems of Stark of Stannis Baratheon.
Cersei: Okay, okay. I’ll admit that maybe, like, one or two Lannister-allied soldiers have maybe gone bad. Like the Hound. But it’s just that one guy. And I promise that I’ve sent my brother off to hunt him down. And the Hound only went bad when he joined up with Beric Dondarrion and his crew. He’s no longer team Lannister anyway.
High Sparrow: My point is this… there is nobody out there to protect the faith!
Cersei: I mean. I guess our soldiers can do it. You know. When they’re not too busy fighting the war. Or at least I can THINK ABOUT MY SOLDIERS PROTECTING YOU, if you ever get around to blessing Tommen.
High Sparrow: Hrm. Interesting. You want me to bless Tommen and I want you to allow for sparrows to be better protected. If only there was some sort of… deal… we could make.
Cersei: Okay dude, what are you getting at here.
High Sparrow: Well, obviously I know it would be a HUGE burden for you to dedicate all the armed forces around the Seven Kingdoms to protecting priests. What if priests could… like… protect themselves, you know?
Cersei: EXACTLY! EXACTLY! Thank you. Now we’re on the same page. Yes. Do that! Please!
High Sparrow: Well, it’s actually illegal.
Cersei: Huh?
High Sparrow: Remember the law of Maegor the Cruel? It banned the Faith of the Seven from picking up arms. All that nonsense about mixing religion and war being terrible. Leading to holy war and a theocracy. Boooo! Lame stuff!!!!
Cersei: Erm… uhh… yes… I… uhm… of course knew about that. Obviously. Because I’m obviously a very intelligent person and I’m not just fucking winging everything by impulse.
High Sparrow: If you, as the King’s mother, could just have a word with Tommen about ordering a decree that ends the law of Maegor and restores the FAITH MILITANT… then… you know… I think things would be going pretty well. And Tommen would have his blessing.
Cersei: Hrm. Sounds like you really, really, really want this Faith Militant thing, huh? Sounds like it’s worth a lot to you. A lot more than just one silly blessing.
High Sparrow: …
Cersei: Hehe, I see, I see. Don’t show your hand, huh? Sounds like we can bargain a bit more though. Okay. I’ll restore your religious order’s ability to have it’s own ARMED FUNDAMENTALIST MILITARY in return for you both blessing Tommen AND forgiving the massive, massive debt that the crown owes to the Church. You know. Because we’ve been borrowing from you like crazy because Robert and Littlefinger brought financial ruin to the kingdom.
High Sparrow: Ah… forgive all that debt that you were clearly never going to pay back anyway? Why… why… you drive a hard bargain there, Cersei. But you know what? I’m going to accept it! So let’s shake on it!
The High Sparrow spits on his hand and holds it out to Cersei. She looks at it with horror and reluctantly shakes.
Cersei gets up and leaves.
Cersei: Hahahahaha! I really fucked that guy over. He’s going to give Tommen a blessing and forgive a debt to the crown and all I have to do in return is ALLOW FOR HIM TO SET UP A WHOLLY INDEPENDENT RELIGIOUS MILITARY, COMPLETELY AUTONOMOUS OF THE POWER OF THE THRONE. WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?!
Cersei quickly heads back down to her carriage and jumps in with Taena.
Cersei: Hey gurl! Wanna know how it went? Oh, I really showed that guy! Totally fucked him over. I’m getting everything I want! I let that High Septon set up a violently aggressive religious military order that hates and persecutes all other religions. And you know who are enemies are? The Starks… who follow the Northern Old Gods, and Stannis, who follows that crazy Fire God! My masterful planning allowed us to get the blessing for Tommen I wanted, and also CREATE MORE SOLIDERS to fight our enemies!
Taena: Oh good, Cersei! Good! You’re so good at being ruler! And I'd know because I'm the young, manipulative, lying trophy wife of an old lord and therefore my opinion on ruling kingdoms is to be treated as if I were a statesman on the same level as Benjamin Disraeli.
And so they continue on their way, and Cersei is happy as can be. Until her coach runs into Margaery.
Cersei: Ugh. Look at this bitch doing things and existing. Being younger and prettier than me. I hate her. She’s trying to steal Tommen from me! It’s all an elaborate Tyrell plot. Why, I bet the Tyrells are hiding Tyrion at Highgarden. Well I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!
Margaery: I’m sorry. What was that, Cersei? I hear you mumbling to yourself over there.
Cersei: Oh, it’s nothing. What’s up with your cunt ass today?
Margaery: Oh, well we’re going to go riding in the woods. It’s so much fun! Would you care to join us.
Cersei: The woods? I dunno. Sounds dangerous. You need to be careful out there. That’s where Robert died. MWAHAHAHAHA.
Margaery: My brother keeps me well protected, so I have nothing to fear! But that was a strange response. Could maybe you share with me the private jest that leads to your laughter?
Cersei: Heh, I’ll share it with you soon. I promise. Sooooooon! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Margaery: Again with that? Odd.
No comments:
Post a Comment