In Media Res.
Jaime: WHAT THE FUCK, CERSEI?! SAY THAT AGAIN!
Cersei: You’re being kicked out of King’s Landing. Goodbye. By order of King Tommen.
Jaime: King Tommen? What bullshit. We all know you dropped that little boy when he was a toddler and he don’t think right. Anything that is “King Tommen’s order” is really YOUR order.
Cersei: Whatevs. The order stands. You are to go to the Riverlands.
Jaime: I am the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Let me break that down for you in a chart. Now excuse me, because this might get a bit complicated.
He pulls out a chart that says “Kingsguard.”
Jaime: You see… the “King” part here refers to the king, which means Tommen. The “guard” part means “guard,” and is “guard.” Together, it means “guard the king.” Hrmm. You know what? I guess I didn’t need a chart after all. It’s not complicated. My job is to guard the king. The king is in King’s Landing. He is not in the Riverlands.
Cersei: Tommen will be safe when those Tullys are defeated in Riverrun, when you investigate these rumors about the Hound going rogue in the countryside, and when Harrenhal is restored to proper power under the Lannisters to guard us from those filthy northerners and river folk. While you are away, Ser Osmund Kettleblack will command the Kingsguard.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT! Osmund?!
Cersei: Yeah.
Jaime: If ANYONE should command while I am away, it should be Ser Loras.
Cersei: HAHAHAH. LORAS. OH MY. That’s priceless. So… so… priceless. You’re hilarious. You’re funnier than Richard Pyror.
Jaime: So, Osmund, huh? I guess you’re fucking him too then. I guess Tyrion is right about you fucking everyone from him to Moon Boy.
Cersei slaps Jaime in the face.
Cersei: Bye, Felicia.
She presses a button and a trap door opens. Jaime goes down a slide out of the Red Keep.
Jaime: Well, that was an unexpected twist.
Jaime then heads out of the city with little fanfare or crowds. The famous and legendary “kingslayer” is now basically a forgotten, crippled nobody.
Jaime: Fuuuuuck. Well, I wonder where I should go now. Maybe I should go to Dorne, and team up with a buddy comedy with Bronn to rescue Myrcella and investigate a ruined, shit version of the Sand Snakes.
All of Fandom, Collectively: NOOOOO!!!!!!!
Jaime: Okay, maybe I’ll just obey Cersei’s orders and head to the Riverlands.
All of Fandom, Collectively: *whew*
Jaime: But if I’m not hanging out with Bronn, who should I go with?
Ser Addam Marbrand: How about me?
Ser Ilyn Payne: …
Jaime: Okay, Marbrand wants to come with me. That’s cool. How about you, Payne?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: What was that? Do you want to come or not?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: Hahahaha, it’s hilarious because you’ve tongue has been cut off and you can’t talk. Mad King Aerys II did it because he heard you talking about how my dad Tywin was the REAL power behind the throne. Sure. I guess you can come with me, dude. After all, you did kill Ned Stark. So I guess you’re sort of an important character. More important than Marbrand at least!
Addam: HEY!
Jaime: Hey dude, I haven’t even mentioned you since I talked about you in ASoS 72, when I said you were helping me train at swordfighting with my left hand. And you haven’t even been given dialogue since AGoT 69.
Addam: Hahaha, 69!
Jaime: *sigh* See, that’s why you haven’t been given dialogue since book one. Come on, let’s go.
They leave town. Kennos, Dermot, Strongboar, and Red Ronnet come with them. Don’t worry about any of them. Except for Red Ronnet. You need to remember him, because his Brienne backstory and for the fact that Jaime will eventually punch him in the face. Remember?
That evening they make it all the way to the House of the Heyfords. Who are they? It doesn’t matter. Jaime does some secret sword practice with Ser Ilyn that night and they move on the next day.
Jaime: And that’s NOT a euphemism, either. I practice fighting with him. That’s it. Don’t get it twisted.
Lord Heyford: Hey! What do you mean we don’t matter! You’re cutting out a very riveting conversation about the disappearance of Jaime’s cousin, Tyrek Lannister who went missing during the riots.
Jaime: Nobody cares about Tyrek. Varys probably had him killed. Moving on.
Next they arrive at Sow’s Horn.
Jaime: What is Sow’s Horn?
Ser Roger Hogg: Hi, I’m Ser Roger Hogg, and I am the Knight of Sow’s Horn. So glad to see you. Hey! Fun fact. The buildings here in Sow’s Horn are made of clay, wood and brick and have been attacked three times. The ones made of clay and wood were destroyed when Lions and Wolves attacked. But when Ser Amory Lorch attacked our buildings made of stone, they stood tall!
Jaime: WHAT THE HELL?! Did George Fucking RR Martin just put a three little pigs joke in this book?
Hogg: Huh?
Jaime: Your name is Hogg. You are the knight of Sow’s Horn, a “sow” being an adult, female pig. And you had three structures made of three varying types of materials, the first two of which were “blown down,” if you will, including by forces of “Wolves,” and the third material of stone stood.
Hogg: Oh. I guess this is a needless three little pigs joke, stuffed into a chapter for no reason.
Jaime: *rolls eyes*
And so Jaime continues on again. This time to Harrenhal.
Shitmouth: Hey you cock sucking motherfucker, what the fuck is happening you cunt ass bitch?
Jaime: Oh, I am SO GLAD to be back here at Harrenhal again. *rolls eyes* Who on earth are you?
Raff the Sweetling: Oh, you’ll just have to excuse Ol’ Shitmouth.
Jaime: Well I can tell he’s a shit mouth.
Raff: No. That’s his actual name. “Shitmouth”
Jaime: Well Raff, this is just a chapter where the audience is going to catch up with a bunch of characters who haven’t been mentioned forever. Addam Marbrand. Red Ronnet. And you? Well, you get mentioned on Arya’s list a lot for killing Lommy. But you haven’t been seen featured ACoK 26. https://ajingleoficeandfire.blogspot.com/2018/02/acok-26-arya-vi.html
Raff: How can I help you, Kingslayer?
Jaime: Don’t act like we’re friends or anything now. All you shitheads fucked with me here when you were loyal to Vargo Hoat.
Raff: Hoat? Fuck that dude! He’s dead now. Want to see his head? Here, check it out!
He pulls out Hoat’s rotting, eyeless, decapitated head.
Jaime: AGH!!!! FUCKING GROSS! Dude, but that way. It’s like crows had supper upon his eyes.
Raff: Yeah, right? You might even say it was a FEAST FOR CR—
Jaime pulls out his sword with his left hand.
Jaime: —STOP! NO! DON’T FUCKING SAY IT, RAFF! DON’T FUCKING SAY IT AND MAKE PEE-WEE HERMAN COME ON. I will fucking kill you and do Arya’s work for her. Speaking of which… you know who I bet I’d get along with really well? Arya. We’re, like, probably a really compatible duo, personality-wise. I kind of like the tomboyish girls anyway, but I don’t mean in a nasty sexual way with her. Too young. I just mean I bet we would surprisingly get along if we hung out, just like I surprisingly get along with Brienne. We’re both soulless sociopaths who have existential crises related to us not knowing how to really do anything other than kill.
Addam: Well, she probably wouldn’t get along with you because you threw her brother out of a window.
Jaime: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Addam! See? See? Another reasons why you go three books without getting any lines in this blog.
Shitmouth: FUCK ME IN THE ARSHOLE WITH A FUCKING RUSTY SPEAR!
Jaime: Ugh. I hate you all. So, Raff, this is Hoat’s head. Where is the rest of him?
Raff: Oh, the Mountain ordered his body to be cut up and fed to the prisoners when he took over. Why waste good meat?
Jaime: *vomits* JESUS CHRIST, RAFF.
Raff: Yeah, in hindsight it seems sort of fucked up.
Jaime: Speaking of fucking Clegane… have you heard any of these rumors about his brother roaming the countryside?
Raff: Oh yeah. The Hound! He’s totally out here. I used to have these friends named Polliver and the Tickler. We used to have a ton of fun torturing and murdering people. Really slowly. Ah, those were good days. Ah, anyway. The Hound and some little boy murdered them at an Inn.
Jaime: Boy?
Raff: Yeah. Boy. That’s the story.
Jaime: Could it have been a girl with short hair?
Raff: Who gives a fuck?
Jaime: Good point. Anyway… you’ve been feeding your prisoners human bodies and doing all sorts of other terrible shit. Prisoners like Ser Wylis Manderly. It won’t happen anymore. I am declaring that Ser Bonifer Hasty now in charge of Harrenhal and the prisoners are to be released. NOW!!!!
The prisoners are brought out. They include Ser Wylis and Pia.
Jaime: Oh! Hey! Pia! You’re the hooker that Qyburn sent up to my room. I remember you! But hey! You look toothless and beaten now. Why are you toothless?
Pia: Oh, I used to be a really pretty servant for Lord Whent and then later your father, when he controlled Harrenhal. But when Roose Bolton took over, he put all the girls who slept with Lannister men in stockades and had them repeatedly raped. So yeah, that happened to me. But that’s not as bad as what happened after you left, Amory was killed, and the Hound took over. The Hound BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME for no reason, breaking all of the teeth out of my jaw and pretty much otherwise abusing me. So yeah, I got thrown in prison after that. You want any hyperlinks to those past chapters?
Jaime: No thanks. You talk pretty well for someone with no teeth though.
Pia: The writer is too lazy to try to do a “lisp” or anything like that for me. I’m just dropping some exposition update about my character.
Jaime: You’re tits are still nice. I figure I need to give you some compliment with how fucked up your life is otherwise.
Pia: Thanks!
Jaime: If you want some other good news, the Mountain was poisoned by a spear tip and died really, really, really slowly in agony. The person who was “treating” him made him suffer even more, and his screams were so loud they could be heard across the Red Keep. His decapitated head got boxed up and sent to Dorne. So I suppose he’s dead now. I mean… right? He’s dead?
Pia: That’s good news too, thanks.
Jaime: And you, Manderly! You’re a free man now. I have these orders here, signed by the king. You’re to be returned to your father in White Harbor.
Wylis: Oh, yes! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
He gets down on his knees and starts kissing his feet.
Jaime: Eww, gross.
Wylis: Oh, and by the way. Do you have any eel pies for me to eat?
Jaime: Ah fuck, you Manderlys and your eel pies. Gross. Also, another throw-back joke with a link to an old chapter. Why this entire chapter is just a fun ol’ trip down memory lane. We’re getting rally sentimental these days!
Wylis: I love eel pies.
Jaime: OKAY, LISTEN UP, ASS YOU ASSHOLES OF HARRENHAL. Ser Bonifer Hasty is now in charge. Those who wish to stay here with him can stay here with him. Those of you who don’t want to stay can come with me to Riverrun to, like, fight the Blackfish or whatever. You’ll have the night to think about it. I leave tomorrow.
That evening, Jaime has dinner with Bonifer.
Jaime: Ugh, another awkward dinner with the custodian of Harrenhal. You’re not going to talk about prunes like Roose Bolton, are you? And no, I’m done linking to past posts. So I’m not going to link to that one.
Bonifer: Hey, I heard you offered to take some people to Riverrun with you.
Jaime: I did.
Bonifer: Good. Because this place is full of all these shitheads who used to follow the Mountain. No way are they staying. You’ll need to take them with you. And that whore, Pia. Fucking unclean whore.
Jaime: Okay, all the assholes like Raff I get. But why are you so angry at Pia?
Bonifer: Meh.
Jaime: Okay, I guess I need a washerwoman for my camp anyway. Someone’s gotta do laundry, huh? Might as well a woman. Right? Right? Right?
Bonifer: Meh.
Jaime: Well, you’re a riveting conversationalist, Bonifer. Anyway. I’ll be going. This whole Hound thing? That’s all on you now. Find him and kill him if you can. As for Beric Dondarrion? If you get him, I’d prefer if you keep him alive and send him to Kings Landing, if you can.
Bonifer: Keeping Beric Dondarrion alive hasn’t been a very big challenge so far in this book series.
That night, Jaime again goes to spar with Ser Ilyn by the bear pit. But instead of finding him, Red Ronnet is there.
Jaime: Oh. Red Ronnet. Hey there.
Red Ronnet: Hey, are the stories I heard true? About Ugly-Ass Fucking Piece of Shit Brienne of Tarth fighting a bear in this pit?
Jaime: …
Red Ronnet: Huh? Huh? I wanna know. You know, I was once engaged to her.
Jaime: No. It’s not true.
Red Ronnet: Oh yeah. I guess that story was too good to be true. Besides, I guess it wouldn’t have been a good fight anyway. The bear would have run in horror at that ugly face. HAHAHAH! Am I right? Am I right? Hahahaha! I bet the bear was less hairy that that ugly freak of nat—
*WHAM*
Jaime pimp slaps Red Ronnet in the fucking face with his metal hand. Red Ronnet falls to the ground, his mouth bleeding.
Jaime: Holy shit, that was a really long set up. I mean… A Clash of Kings Chapter 22 is when it was set up that you were a total asshole. We had to wait SO LONG for me to punch you in your stupid face. It’s almost anti-climatic.
Jaime: WHAT THE FUCK, CERSEI?! SAY THAT AGAIN!
Cersei: You’re being kicked out of King’s Landing. Goodbye. By order of King Tommen.
Jaime: King Tommen? What bullshit. We all know you dropped that little boy when he was a toddler and he don’t think right. Anything that is “King Tommen’s order” is really YOUR order.
Cersei: Whatevs. The order stands. You are to go to the Riverlands.
Jaime: I am the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Let me break that down for you in a chart. Now excuse me, because this might get a bit complicated.
He pulls out a chart that says “Kingsguard.”
Jaime: You see… the “King” part here refers to the king, which means Tommen. The “guard” part means “guard,” and is “guard.” Together, it means “guard the king.” Hrmm. You know what? I guess I didn’t need a chart after all. It’s not complicated. My job is to guard the king. The king is in King’s Landing. He is not in the Riverlands.
Cersei: Tommen will be safe when those Tullys are defeated in Riverrun, when you investigate these rumors about the Hound going rogue in the countryside, and when Harrenhal is restored to proper power under the Lannisters to guard us from those filthy northerners and river folk. While you are away, Ser Osmund Kettleblack will command the Kingsguard.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT! Osmund?!
Cersei: Yeah.
Jaime: If ANYONE should command while I am away, it should be Ser Loras.
Cersei: HAHAHAH. LORAS. OH MY. That’s priceless. So… so… priceless. You’re hilarious. You’re funnier than Richard Pyror.
Jaime: So, Osmund, huh? I guess you’re fucking him too then. I guess Tyrion is right about you fucking everyone from him to Moon Boy.
Cersei slaps Jaime in the face.
Cersei: Bye, Felicia.
She presses a button and a trap door opens. Jaime goes down a slide out of the Red Keep.
Jaime: Well, that was an unexpected twist.
Jaime then heads out of the city with little fanfare or crowds. The famous and legendary “kingslayer” is now basically a forgotten, crippled nobody.
Jaime: Fuuuuuck. Well, I wonder where I should go now. Maybe I should go to Dorne, and team up with a buddy comedy with Bronn to rescue Myrcella and investigate a ruined, shit version of the Sand Snakes.
All of Fandom, Collectively: NOOOOO!!!!!!!
Jaime: Okay, maybe I’ll just obey Cersei’s orders and head to the Riverlands.
All of Fandom, Collectively: *whew*
Jaime: But if I’m not hanging out with Bronn, who should I go with?
Ser Addam Marbrand: How about me?
Ser Ilyn Payne: …
Jaime: Okay, Marbrand wants to come with me. That’s cool. How about you, Payne?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: What was that? Do you want to come or not?
Ilyn: …
Jaime: Hahahaha, it’s hilarious because you’ve tongue has been cut off and you can’t talk. Mad King Aerys II did it because he heard you talking about how my dad Tywin was the REAL power behind the throne. Sure. I guess you can come with me, dude. After all, you did kill Ned Stark. So I guess you’re sort of an important character. More important than Marbrand at least!
Addam: HEY!
Jaime: Hey dude, I haven’t even mentioned you since I talked about you in ASoS 72, when I said you were helping me train at swordfighting with my left hand. And you haven’t even been given dialogue since AGoT 69.
Addam: Hahaha, 69!
Jaime: *sigh* See, that’s why you haven’t been given dialogue since book one. Come on, let’s go.
They leave town. Kennos, Dermot, Strongboar, and Red Ronnet come with them. Don’t worry about any of them. Except for Red Ronnet. You need to remember him, because his Brienne backstory and for the fact that Jaime will eventually punch him in the face. Remember?
That evening they make it all the way to the House of the Heyfords. Who are they? It doesn’t matter. Jaime does some secret sword practice with Ser Ilyn that night and they move on the next day.
Jaime: And that’s NOT a euphemism, either. I practice fighting with him. That’s it. Don’t get it twisted.
Lord Heyford: Hey! What do you mean we don’t matter! You’re cutting out a very riveting conversation about the disappearance of Jaime’s cousin, Tyrek Lannister who went missing during the riots.
Jaime: Nobody cares about Tyrek. Varys probably had him killed. Moving on.
Next they arrive at Sow’s Horn.
Jaime: What is Sow’s Horn?
Ser Roger Hogg: Hi, I’m Ser Roger Hogg, and I am the Knight of Sow’s Horn. So glad to see you. Hey! Fun fact. The buildings here in Sow’s Horn are made of clay, wood and brick and have been attacked three times. The ones made of clay and wood were destroyed when Lions and Wolves attacked. But when Ser Amory Lorch attacked our buildings made of stone, they stood tall!
Jaime: WHAT THE HELL?! Did George Fucking RR Martin just put a three little pigs joke in this book?
Hogg: Huh?
Jaime: Your name is Hogg. You are the knight of Sow’s Horn, a “sow” being an adult, female pig. And you had three structures made of three varying types of materials, the first two of which were “blown down,” if you will, including by forces of “Wolves,” and the third material of stone stood.
Hogg: Oh. I guess this is a needless three little pigs joke, stuffed into a chapter for no reason.
Jaime: *rolls eyes*
And so Jaime continues on again. This time to Harrenhal.
Shitmouth: Hey you cock sucking motherfucker, what the fuck is happening you cunt ass bitch?
Jaime: Oh, I am SO GLAD to be back here at Harrenhal again. *rolls eyes* Who on earth are you?
Raff the Sweetling: Oh, you’ll just have to excuse Ol’ Shitmouth.
Jaime: Well I can tell he’s a shit mouth.
Raff: No. That’s his actual name. “Shitmouth”
Jaime: Well Raff, this is just a chapter where the audience is going to catch up with a bunch of characters who haven’t been mentioned forever. Addam Marbrand. Red Ronnet. And you? Well, you get mentioned on Arya’s list a lot for killing Lommy. But you haven’t been seen featured ACoK 26. https://ajingleoficeandfire.blogspot.com/2018/02/acok-26-arya-vi.html
Raff: How can I help you, Kingslayer?
Jaime: Don’t act like we’re friends or anything now. All you shitheads fucked with me here when you were loyal to Vargo Hoat.
Raff: Hoat? Fuck that dude! He’s dead now. Want to see his head? Here, check it out!
He pulls out Hoat’s rotting, eyeless, decapitated head.
Jaime: AGH!!!! FUCKING GROSS! Dude, but that way. It’s like crows had supper upon his eyes.
Raff: Yeah, right? You might even say it was a FEAST FOR CR—
Jaime pulls out his sword with his left hand.
Jaime: —STOP! NO! DON’T FUCKING SAY IT, RAFF! DON’T FUCKING SAY IT AND MAKE PEE-WEE HERMAN COME ON. I will fucking kill you and do Arya’s work for her. Speaking of which… you know who I bet I’d get along with really well? Arya. We’re, like, probably a really compatible duo, personality-wise. I kind of like the tomboyish girls anyway, but I don’t mean in a nasty sexual way with her. Too young. I just mean I bet we would surprisingly get along if we hung out, just like I surprisingly get along with Brienne. We’re both soulless sociopaths who have existential crises related to us not knowing how to really do anything other than kill.
Addam: Well, she probably wouldn’t get along with you because you threw her brother out of a window.
Jaime: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Addam! See? See? Another reasons why you go three books without getting any lines in this blog.
Shitmouth: FUCK ME IN THE ARSHOLE WITH A FUCKING RUSTY SPEAR!
Jaime: Ugh. I hate you all. So, Raff, this is Hoat’s head. Where is the rest of him?
Raff: Oh, the Mountain ordered his body to be cut up and fed to the prisoners when he took over. Why waste good meat?
Jaime: *vomits* JESUS CHRIST, RAFF.
Raff: Yeah, in hindsight it seems sort of fucked up.
Jaime: Speaking of fucking Clegane… have you heard any of these rumors about his brother roaming the countryside?
Raff: Oh yeah. The Hound! He’s totally out here. I used to have these friends named Polliver and the Tickler. We used to have a ton of fun torturing and murdering people. Really slowly. Ah, those were good days. Ah, anyway. The Hound and some little boy murdered them at an Inn.
Jaime: Boy?
Raff: Yeah. Boy. That’s the story.
Jaime: Could it have been a girl with short hair?
Raff: Who gives a fuck?
Jaime: Good point. Anyway… you’ve been feeding your prisoners human bodies and doing all sorts of other terrible shit. Prisoners like Ser Wylis Manderly. It won’t happen anymore. I am declaring that Ser Bonifer Hasty now in charge of Harrenhal and the prisoners are to be released. NOW!!!!
The prisoners are brought out. They include Ser Wylis and Pia.
Jaime: Oh! Hey! Pia! You’re the hooker that Qyburn sent up to my room. I remember you! But hey! You look toothless and beaten now. Why are you toothless?
Pia: Oh, I used to be a really pretty servant for Lord Whent and then later your father, when he controlled Harrenhal. But when Roose Bolton took over, he put all the girls who slept with Lannister men in stockades and had them repeatedly raped. So yeah, that happened to me. But that’s not as bad as what happened after you left, Amory was killed, and the Hound took over. The Hound BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME for no reason, breaking all of the teeth out of my jaw and pretty much otherwise abusing me. So yeah, I got thrown in prison after that. You want any hyperlinks to those past chapters?
Jaime: No thanks. You talk pretty well for someone with no teeth though.
Pia: The writer is too lazy to try to do a “lisp” or anything like that for me. I’m just dropping some exposition update about my character.
Jaime: You’re tits are still nice. I figure I need to give you some compliment with how fucked up your life is otherwise.
Pia: Thanks!
Jaime: If you want some other good news, the Mountain was poisoned by a spear tip and died really, really, really slowly in agony. The person who was “treating” him made him suffer even more, and his screams were so loud they could be heard across the Red Keep. His decapitated head got boxed up and sent to Dorne. So I suppose he’s dead now. I mean… right? He’s dead?
Pia: That’s good news too, thanks.
Jaime: And you, Manderly! You’re a free man now. I have these orders here, signed by the king. You’re to be returned to your father in White Harbor.
Wylis: Oh, yes! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
He gets down on his knees and starts kissing his feet.
Jaime: Eww, gross.
Wylis: Oh, and by the way. Do you have any eel pies for me to eat?
Jaime: Ah fuck, you Manderlys and your eel pies. Gross. Also, another throw-back joke with a link to an old chapter. Why this entire chapter is just a fun ol’ trip down memory lane. We’re getting rally sentimental these days!
Wylis: I love eel pies.
Jaime: OKAY, LISTEN UP, ASS YOU ASSHOLES OF HARRENHAL. Ser Bonifer Hasty is now in charge. Those who wish to stay here with him can stay here with him. Those of you who don’t want to stay can come with me to Riverrun to, like, fight the Blackfish or whatever. You’ll have the night to think about it. I leave tomorrow.
That evening, Jaime has dinner with Bonifer.
Jaime: Ugh, another awkward dinner with the custodian of Harrenhal. You’re not going to talk about prunes like Roose Bolton, are you? And no, I’m done linking to past posts. So I’m not going to link to that one.
Bonifer: Hey, I heard you offered to take some people to Riverrun with you.
Jaime: I did.
Bonifer: Good. Because this place is full of all these shitheads who used to follow the Mountain. No way are they staying. You’ll need to take them with you. And that whore, Pia. Fucking unclean whore.
Jaime: Okay, all the assholes like Raff I get. But why are you so angry at Pia?
Bonifer: Meh.
Jaime: Okay, I guess I need a washerwoman for my camp anyway. Someone’s gotta do laundry, huh? Might as well a woman. Right? Right? Right?
Bonifer: Meh.
Jaime: Well, you’re a riveting conversationalist, Bonifer. Anyway. I’ll be going. This whole Hound thing? That’s all on you now. Find him and kill him if you can. As for Beric Dondarrion? If you get him, I’d prefer if you keep him alive and send him to Kings Landing, if you can.
Bonifer: Keeping Beric Dondarrion alive hasn’t been a very big challenge so far in this book series.
That night, Jaime again goes to spar with Ser Ilyn by the bear pit. But instead of finding him, Red Ronnet is there.
Jaime: Oh. Red Ronnet. Hey there.
Red Ronnet: Hey, are the stories I heard true? About Ugly-Ass Fucking Piece of Shit Brienne of Tarth fighting a bear in this pit?
Jaime: …
Red Ronnet: Huh? Huh? I wanna know. You know, I was once engaged to her.
Jaime: No. It’s not true.
Red Ronnet: Oh yeah. I guess that story was too good to be true. Besides, I guess it wouldn’t have been a good fight anyway. The bear would have run in horror at that ugly face. HAHAHAH! Am I right? Am I right? Hahahaha! I bet the bear was less hairy that that ugly freak of nat—
*WHAM*
Jaime pimp slaps Red Ronnet in the fucking face with his metal hand. Red Ronnet falls to the ground, his mouth bleeding.
Jaime: Holy shit, that was a really long set up. I mean… A Clash of Kings Chapter 22 is when it was set up that you were a total asshole. We had to wait SO LONG for me to punch you in your stupid face. It’s almost anti-climatic.
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