Brienne travels the backroads with her squire, Podrick Payne, as well as her new companion – “Nimble” Dick Crabb.
Nimble Dick: Why do you keep giving me that side eye, Brienne? You can trust ol’ Nimble dick!
Brienne: No I can’t.
Nimble Dick: Sure you can! What have I done to make you not trust me?
Brienne: Literally last night I caught you going through my bags when you thought I was asleep. I really, really hope you’re a better guide to this Smuggler’s Bay than you are a thief?
Nimble Dick: A thief?! A thief! NO! I wasn’t trying to steal nothing!
Brienne: You were going right for the coin purse. Good thing you don’t know where I REALLY keep the money.
Nimble Dick: The coin purse? Yeah… yeah… sure. But I wasn’t trying to steal nothing, no. I swears it! I was just checking to see that you actually had the coin you promised to pay me! That’s all. Can’t trust no one around these parts!
Brienne: Mmm hmm.
And so they continue on their way. Brienne just wants silence, but Nimble Dick wants to make small talk.
Nimble Dick: You know, this part used to be the lands of the Lords of Crawclaw Point. They were loyal to the Targayens and fought with them at the Battle of the Trident. I know it all very well. I was born here. You know the Crabbs used to be a royal family back in the day, right? House Crabb was one of the great houses, ruling from the Whispers. Why, they say old Ser Clarence Crabb went and—
Brienne: --Do. Not. Care.
Nimble Dick: Ugh. Why can’t you just listen to me and trust me?
Brienne: Because you are not worthy of trust. I used to think all men were as trustworthy as my father, but my time at Harrenhal soon disabused me of that notion, as did my time with all of my false suitors like Hyle Hunt during my time at Bitterbridge.
Pod: What happened at Bitterbridge, m’lady… ser… I mean…uh… whatever?
Brienne: Oh, it was a cruel game. Hunt and many others played it, such as Harry Sawyer and Robin Potter. They all claimed they wanted to pop my cherry and take my maidenhood. But none of them were interested in me. They had a bet over who could do it first. But I showed them all. I entered a giant melee battle and I defeated them! Harry… defeated! Potter… defeated! In fact, I messed Potter up so bad in the melee that I broke his helm and left a scar on his forehead.
Pod: WAIT… WAIT… WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE HERE. Did you just say HARRY POTTER?!
Brienne: No. I said Harry Sawyer and Robin Potter.
Pod: And you messed up Potter so bad that you left a SCAR on his FOREHEAD?
Brienne: Yes. Why?
Pod: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Brienne: What? What are you laughing at?
Dick Crabb starts to think about it too, and then joins in the laughter.
Nimble Dick: HAAHAHA!!! HARRY POTTER JOKE! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BOOK ACTUALLY SLIPPED THAT IN THERE!!!
Brienne: What?! WHAT?!
Pod: Oh goodness, I can’t believe it. It’s actually there! I’m not making it up! A Feast for Crows literally features a chapter with two guys named “Harry” and “Potter,” one of which has a scar on his head. THIS IS TOO MUCH!
Brienne: *rolls eyes* Can we just move on with the narrative, people?
And so they continue on, headed north.
They finally reach the Dyre Den, the seat of Power for Lord Brune. But as they get there, Pod rides up to Brienne.
Pod: Pssst. We’re not alone.
Brienne: Yes. I know. Dick is here with us.
Pod: No, I mean we’re being followed. There is a horse rider who has been trailing us. He’s trying to stay just out of sight, but I’ve noticed him. Every turn we take, he follows.
Brienne turns and gives more side eye to Nimble Dick.
Brienne: Some plotter working with you, Crabb?
Nimble Dick: No! I swear it! Whoever he is, he’s got nothing to do with me.
Brienne: Well, let him keep his distance, whoever he is. He doesn’t know that we know about him yet. Let us continue as normal and keep it that way.
Nimble Dick: Yes, let us keep riding on. If we stop, Lord Brune or his men might find us here, and then we’d be in for some trouble.
Brienne: Oh really, why is that, Nimble Dick? I have orders from the king that make my search legitimate. Yet you seem uneasy of this Lord. Perhaps its because you’re an untrustworthy criminal?
Nimble Dick: No, no… it’s just… uh… oh hey! Look! A nice, boggy pine woods. That’s the way we need to go to find Smuggler’s Cove. Let’s go that way.
And so they head into the dark, bog-filled woods.
Pod: Oh, this seems like a bad, bad place.
Brienne (externally): Now, now Podrick. There is nothing to fear. We are perfectly safe here.
Brienne (internally): OMG, Nimble Dick has probably lured us here to be murdered.
Suspicious of this dark, foreboding woods, Brienne keeps her hand close to her sword and always keeps an eye on Dick. She thinks back to her old Master-at-Arms in Tarth, who told her that she was too soft to ever kill. Would she have to prove him wrong today?
Finally, they get through the old woods and reach the ruins of The Whispers.
Nimble Dick: See, look? The old ruins of the House Crabb! Totally safe here! I wasn’t trying to murder you at all. Still though… if we do find your fool here, he might be angry with me.
Brienne: Oh, why is that?
Nimble Dick: Ah, well I sold them a map to Smuggler’s Cove under the assumption that it was still a place that smugglers come to. It isn’t though. No smuggler has been here in years. So if the fool and his companions were looking to smuggle themselves out of Westeros from this spot… well… they’d be pretty screwed.
Brienne looks at the ground and sees relatively new camp fires and other signs that someone has been here… and recently!
Brienne: Someone is close. Although I doubt it was Ser Dontos and Sansa.
She dismounts and pulls out a sword. She points it at Dick Crabb.
Nimble Dick: AGHH!!!
Brienne: Here.
She turns it around and hands it to him.
Nimble Dick: Oh… uh… really? So you trust me now?
Brienne: Do I 100% trust you? Of course not. But I know for a fact that other people are hiding here. And I have even less reason to trust them than I do to trust you.
Brienne then pulls out her OTHER sword (carrying two is always a good idea), Oathkeeper. The awesome one made from Ned Stark’s melted Ice that Jaime gave her.
Brienne: Pod, stay outside and guard the horses. Dick and I shall go inside these ruins and search for Ser Dontos… or whoever might be here.
Pod: Are you sure, ser? I mean m’am? I mean… uh… whatever, yeah. I’ll just stay here.
And so the two head inside, stepping very carefully and slowly until they find…
Pyg: OH SHIT!
Brienne sees them.
Brienne: It’s Pyg, Shagwell and Timeon! From Vargo Hoat’s Crew!
Shagwell the Fool, Jester of Harrenhal: OH SNAP! I know we were minor characters ourselves in the books, but it’s ludicrous how long we’ve been left out of the Jingle of Ice and Fire! I haven’t had a line of dialogue since A Clash of Kings 47, nor have I even been mentioned since A Storm of Swords 31!
Timeon: You think you’ve got it bad, Shagwell? I’ve never even been mentioned before!
Pyg: Me neither! Brienne recognizing us makes no sense within the context of this blog, given that the blog author never previously deemed us important enough to mention.
Brienne: Whatever. The point is I recognize you now. So… Shagwell… this is the fool that you led me to, Crabb?
Nimble Dick: Hey, you said you were looking for a fool. And here you go. The guy who was mentioned as a fool at Harrenhal two books ago.
Brienne: You KNOW I was looking for Dontos, right?
Nimble Dick: *shrugs*
Shagwell: Oh yeah… Dick Crabb. Thanks so much for leading us to this fucking deathtrap with NO GODDAMN SMUGGLERS. If only there was a way to repay you for tricking us. Oh wait… I can think of one right now!
Shagwell murders Crabb.
Nimble Dick: AGHH!!!!!!
Brienne draws her sword as the three Brave Companions / Bloody Mummers surround her.
Brienne: Stand back, scum! I will kill you!
Shagwell: Oh, you’ll try to kill me. But all you’ve got coming is a good, hard raping. It gets lonely out in these woods, you know?
Timeon: Yeah! And once we’re done raping you, it’s murder time. We want revenge!
Brienne: What the hell did I ever do to you?! You were the ones that fucked with ME when you kidnapped me and Jaime!
Timeon: We had a good thing going when we were working for Vargo Hoat? But you know what happened to him? He’s dead now! When you bit his ear off, he got an infection. The Mountain finally killed him. And now that he’s gone, we’re fucked. We betrayed the Lannisters to ally with the Boltons. Then what did the Boltons do? Ally with the Lannisters? Now every fucking one is hunting us down.
They continue to circle in on her.
Brienne: Take no more steps! You cannot harm me! BEHOLD! I have a sheet of paper, signed by the King, that gives me permission to look for the daughter of Ned Stark.
Pyg: Oh yeah. That will DEFINITELY save you. Paper!
Timeon: Besides, you’re looking in the wrong place if you’re looking for that Stark girl here. Everyone knows where she’s at. She’s with THE HOUND and was last seen heading to Riverrun!
Brienne: Huh? Say what now?!
Pyg runs towards her and she stabs him with Oathkeeper.
Pyg: AGHH!!! FUCK! MY FIRST EVER CHAPTER THAT I’M MENTIONED AND I DIE ALREADY!? *dies*
Timeon and Shagwell then begin to flank Brienne. She can only protect herself from one. Which will it be?!
*A ROCK HITS SHAGWELL IN THE HEAD*
Shagwell: AGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
With Shagwell distracted, Brienne turns and kills Timeon.
Timeon: AGHHH!!!
Brienne turns backwards and looks up… it’s Podrick! He’s up hiding on a corner of the ruins, throwing rocks at Shagwell.
Brienne: I told you to stay outside and guard the horses!
Pod: Hey, you ungrateful bitch… I mean ser… I mean m’am! You’re lucky I didn’t obey you. I just saved your life!
Brienne then walks up to Shagwell, who is now cowering on the ground.
Shagwell: Mercy! Mercy, Brienne! I beg of you. I’m… I’m too funny and hilarious of a character to die!
Brienne: You’re really not. As noted, your character was largely extricated from this blog for being so damn minor, and thus the readers have no real concept for who you are, or how funny you might be.
Shagwell: Mercy! Mercy!
Brienne: You murdered my friend.
Shagwell: What? Dick Crabb was your friend?
Brienne: Well, I mean… not really. All the way until the end I didn’t trust him. And I guess he did cheat you out of money like an asshole. Still, I don’t really have friends at all. So he’s about as close as I can get.
Pod: Hey! What about me?
Brienne: Shut up. I’m trying to make a point here, Pod. How about this… Shagwell… start digging a grave for Nimble Dick. He deserves a burial here in his ancestral home.
Shagwell: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Of course.
Shagwell starts digging a little grave. But right when he thinks that Brienne isn’t paying attention, he goes for his dagger and runs towards her.
Shagwell: DIE, BITC—
But she easily catches him and pulls the dagger away.
Brienne: Oh, a FUNNY guy are you? Why don’t you laugh for me then?
Shagwell: Huh?
Brienne: LAUGH I SAY! LAUGH, BITCH!
She stabs him in the gut with his own dagger.
Brienne: I DON’T HEAR YOU! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!
*stab*stab*stab*
Brienne: I SAID LAUGH, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
*STAB*
Shagwell: *blood starts gushing out of mouth*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*
Brienne notices that she hears crying. Is Shagwell crying? No. She finally realizes that she’s the one who’s crying and she deliverers the 347th stab wound into the corpse of Shagwell.
As she sobs, Pod slowly creeps up and pulls the dagger out of her hand.
Pod: Uhmm… okay ser… m’am. I’m… uh… I’m going to take this away from you now.
Brienne: He… he… he said I couldn’t do it… he said I couldn’t kill…
Pod: What now, ser? M’am?
Brienne: My… my… old… master at arms.
Pod: Okay, well… uhh… wow. Obviously you can. Now let’s get these 11 pints of human blood cleaned up off of you and get back to the horses…
Brienne: OH SHIT! THE HORSES! Pod, you were supposed to be watching them!
Pod: So? I came in here to help save you! And I did!
Brienne: But there was that man following us! Rememb—
But as she looks up she sees him standing there. The man that was following them.
Ser Hyle Hunt: HEY EVERYONE! IT’S ME!
Brienne: Hyle Fucking Hunt? What are you doing here? Here to tease me again just like you did back at the melee at Bitterbridge with Harry and Potter?
Pod: AHAHAHA! THE HARRY POTTER THING AGAIN! HAHAHAHA!
Brienne: Shut up, Pod.
Hyle Hunt: Lord Randyll Tarly ordered me to follow you, in the event that you DID find Sansa Stark. I see that she is not here though.
Brienne: No. But I think I know where to find her, now that the totally unimportant character of Timeon dropped plot exposition on me right before he died, seemingly for no reason.
Hyle Hunt: Odd that he would just tell you important info like that for no good reason.
Brienne: Indeed. What kind of a moron would just openly blurt out important information about Sansa Stark being last seen with The Hound, headed towards Riverrun?
Hyle Hunt: You. Since you just did that. Right now.
Brienne: Oh crap.
Hyle Hunt: Here, let me help you bury your friend Dick.
Brienne: And what about the rest of them?
Hyle Hunt: Really? They tried to murder you. Best to leave them out for the wolves to eat. Not that there is much left of Shagwell for any wolf to eat or for any human to bury. Holy shit, you went fucking Jack the Ripper on his ass. It looks like you stuck him inside of an industrial-sized blender and hit the “liquify” option.
Brienne: Yeah… I… uhm… I guess I got carried away.
Nimble Dick: Why do you keep giving me that side eye, Brienne? You can trust ol’ Nimble dick!
Brienne: No I can’t.
Nimble Dick: Sure you can! What have I done to make you not trust me?
Brienne: Literally last night I caught you going through my bags when you thought I was asleep. I really, really hope you’re a better guide to this Smuggler’s Bay than you are a thief?
Nimble Dick: A thief?! A thief! NO! I wasn’t trying to steal nothing!
Brienne: You were going right for the coin purse. Good thing you don’t know where I REALLY keep the money.
Nimble Dick: The coin purse? Yeah… yeah… sure. But I wasn’t trying to steal nothing, no. I swears it! I was just checking to see that you actually had the coin you promised to pay me! That’s all. Can’t trust no one around these parts!
Brienne: Mmm hmm.
And so they continue on their way. Brienne just wants silence, but Nimble Dick wants to make small talk.
Nimble Dick: You know, this part used to be the lands of the Lords of Crawclaw Point. They were loyal to the Targayens and fought with them at the Battle of the Trident. I know it all very well. I was born here. You know the Crabbs used to be a royal family back in the day, right? House Crabb was one of the great houses, ruling from the Whispers. Why, they say old Ser Clarence Crabb went and—
Brienne: --Do. Not. Care.
Nimble Dick: Ugh. Why can’t you just listen to me and trust me?
Brienne: Because you are not worthy of trust. I used to think all men were as trustworthy as my father, but my time at Harrenhal soon disabused me of that notion, as did my time with all of my false suitors like Hyle Hunt during my time at Bitterbridge.
Pod: What happened at Bitterbridge, m’lady… ser… I mean…uh… whatever?
Brienne: Oh, it was a cruel game. Hunt and many others played it, such as Harry Sawyer and Robin Potter. They all claimed they wanted to pop my cherry and take my maidenhood. But none of them were interested in me. They had a bet over who could do it first. But I showed them all. I entered a giant melee battle and I defeated them! Harry… defeated! Potter… defeated! In fact, I messed Potter up so bad in the melee that I broke his helm and left a scar on his forehead.
Pod: WAIT… WAIT… WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE HERE. Did you just say HARRY POTTER?!
Brienne: No. I said Harry Sawyer and Robin Potter.
Pod: And you messed up Potter so bad that you left a SCAR on his FOREHEAD?
Brienne: Yes. Why?
Pod: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Brienne: What? What are you laughing at?
Dick Crabb starts to think about it too, and then joins in the laughter.
Nimble Dick: HAAHAHA!!! HARRY POTTER JOKE! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BOOK ACTUALLY SLIPPED THAT IN THERE!!!
Brienne: What?! WHAT?!
Pod: Oh goodness, I can’t believe it. It’s actually there! I’m not making it up! A Feast for Crows literally features a chapter with two guys named “Harry” and “Potter,” one of which has a scar on his head. THIS IS TOO MUCH!
Brienne: *rolls eyes* Can we just move on with the narrative, people?
And so they continue on, headed north.
They finally reach the Dyre Den, the seat of Power for Lord Brune. But as they get there, Pod rides up to Brienne.
Pod: Pssst. We’re not alone.
Brienne: Yes. I know. Dick is here with us.
Pod: No, I mean we’re being followed. There is a horse rider who has been trailing us. He’s trying to stay just out of sight, but I’ve noticed him. Every turn we take, he follows.
Brienne turns and gives more side eye to Nimble Dick.
Brienne: Some plotter working with you, Crabb?
Nimble Dick: No! I swear it! Whoever he is, he’s got nothing to do with me.
Brienne: Well, let him keep his distance, whoever he is. He doesn’t know that we know about him yet. Let us continue as normal and keep it that way.
Nimble Dick: Yes, let us keep riding on. If we stop, Lord Brune or his men might find us here, and then we’d be in for some trouble.
Brienne: Oh really, why is that, Nimble Dick? I have orders from the king that make my search legitimate. Yet you seem uneasy of this Lord. Perhaps its because you’re an untrustworthy criminal?
Nimble Dick: No, no… it’s just… uh… oh hey! Look! A nice, boggy pine woods. That’s the way we need to go to find Smuggler’s Cove. Let’s go that way.
And so they head into the dark, bog-filled woods.
Pod: Oh, this seems like a bad, bad place.
Brienne (externally): Now, now Podrick. There is nothing to fear. We are perfectly safe here.
Brienne (internally): OMG, Nimble Dick has probably lured us here to be murdered.
Suspicious of this dark, foreboding woods, Brienne keeps her hand close to her sword and always keeps an eye on Dick. She thinks back to her old Master-at-Arms in Tarth, who told her that she was too soft to ever kill. Would she have to prove him wrong today?
Finally, they get through the old woods and reach the ruins of The Whispers.
Nimble Dick: See, look? The old ruins of the House Crabb! Totally safe here! I wasn’t trying to murder you at all. Still though… if we do find your fool here, he might be angry with me.
Brienne: Oh, why is that?
Nimble Dick: Ah, well I sold them a map to Smuggler’s Cove under the assumption that it was still a place that smugglers come to. It isn’t though. No smuggler has been here in years. So if the fool and his companions were looking to smuggle themselves out of Westeros from this spot… well… they’d be pretty screwed.
Brienne looks at the ground and sees relatively new camp fires and other signs that someone has been here… and recently!
Brienne: Someone is close. Although I doubt it was Ser Dontos and Sansa.
She dismounts and pulls out a sword. She points it at Dick Crabb.
Nimble Dick: AGHH!!!
Brienne: Here.
She turns it around and hands it to him.
Nimble Dick: Oh… uh… really? So you trust me now?
Brienne: Do I 100% trust you? Of course not. But I know for a fact that other people are hiding here. And I have even less reason to trust them than I do to trust you.
Brienne then pulls out her OTHER sword (carrying two is always a good idea), Oathkeeper. The awesome one made from Ned Stark’s melted Ice that Jaime gave her.
Brienne: Pod, stay outside and guard the horses. Dick and I shall go inside these ruins and search for Ser Dontos… or whoever might be here.
Pod: Are you sure, ser? I mean m’am? I mean… uh… whatever, yeah. I’ll just stay here.
And so the two head inside, stepping very carefully and slowly until they find…
Pyg: OH SHIT!
Brienne sees them.
Brienne: It’s Pyg, Shagwell and Timeon! From Vargo Hoat’s Crew!
Shagwell the Fool, Jester of Harrenhal: OH SNAP! I know we were minor characters ourselves in the books, but it’s ludicrous how long we’ve been left out of the Jingle of Ice and Fire! I haven’t had a line of dialogue since A Clash of Kings 47, nor have I even been mentioned since A Storm of Swords 31!
Timeon: You think you’ve got it bad, Shagwell? I’ve never even been mentioned before!
Pyg: Me neither! Brienne recognizing us makes no sense within the context of this blog, given that the blog author never previously deemed us important enough to mention.
Brienne: Whatever. The point is I recognize you now. So… Shagwell… this is the fool that you led me to, Crabb?
Nimble Dick: Hey, you said you were looking for a fool. And here you go. The guy who was mentioned as a fool at Harrenhal two books ago.
Brienne: You KNOW I was looking for Dontos, right?
Nimble Dick: *shrugs*
Shagwell: Oh yeah… Dick Crabb. Thanks so much for leading us to this fucking deathtrap with NO GODDAMN SMUGGLERS. If only there was a way to repay you for tricking us. Oh wait… I can think of one right now!
Shagwell murders Crabb.
Nimble Dick: AGHH!!!!!!
Brienne draws her sword as the three Brave Companions / Bloody Mummers surround her.
Brienne: Stand back, scum! I will kill you!
Shagwell: Oh, you’ll try to kill me. But all you’ve got coming is a good, hard raping. It gets lonely out in these woods, you know?
Timeon: Yeah! And once we’re done raping you, it’s murder time. We want revenge!
Brienne: What the hell did I ever do to you?! You were the ones that fucked with ME when you kidnapped me and Jaime!
Timeon: We had a good thing going when we were working for Vargo Hoat? But you know what happened to him? He’s dead now! When you bit his ear off, he got an infection. The Mountain finally killed him. And now that he’s gone, we’re fucked. We betrayed the Lannisters to ally with the Boltons. Then what did the Boltons do? Ally with the Lannisters? Now every fucking one is hunting us down.
They continue to circle in on her.
Brienne: Take no more steps! You cannot harm me! BEHOLD! I have a sheet of paper, signed by the King, that gives me permission to look for the daughter of Ned Stark.
Pyg: Oh yeah. That will DEFINITELY save you. Paper!
Timeon: Besides, you’re looking in the wrong place if you’re looking for that Stark girl here. Everyone knows where she’s at. She’s with THE HOUND and was last seen heading to Riverrun!
Brienne: Huh? Say what now?!
Pyg runs towards her and she stabs him with Oathkeeper.
Pyg: AGHH!!! FUCK! MY FIRST EVER CHAPTER THAT I’M MENTIONED AND I DIE ALREADY!? *dies*
Timeon and Shagwell then begin to flank Brienne. She can only protect herself from one. Which will it be?!
*A ROCK HITS SHAGWELL IN THE HEAD*
Shagwell: AGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
With Shagwell distracted, Brienne turns and kills Timeon.
Timeon: AGHHH!!!
Brienne turns backwards and looks up… it’s Podrick! He’s up hiding on a corner of the ruins, throwing rocks at Shagwell.
Brienne: I told you to stay outside and guard the horses!
Pod: Hey, you ungrateful bitch… I mean ser… I mean m’am! You’re lucky I didn’t obey you. I just saved your life!
Brienne then walks up to Shagwell, who is now cowering on the ground.
Shagwell: Mercy! Mercy, Brienne! I beg of you. I’m… I’m too funny and hilarious of a character to die!
Brienne: You’re really not. As noted, your character was largely extricated from this blog for being so damn minor, and thus the readers have no real concept for who you are, or how funny you might be.
Shagwell: Mercy! Mercy!
Brienne: You murdered my friend.
Shagwell: What? Dick Crabb was your friend?
Brienne: Well, I mean… not really. All the way until the end I didn’t trust him. And I guess he did cheat you out of money like an asshole. Still, I don’t really have friends at all. So he’s about as close as I can get.
Pod: Hey! What about me?
Brienne: Shut up. I’m trying to make a point here, Pod. How about this… Shagwell… start digging a grave for Nimble Dick. He deserves a burial here in his ancestral home.
Shagwell: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Of course.
Shagwell starts digging a little grave. But right when he thinks that Brienne isn’t paying attention, he goes for his dagger and runs towards her.
Shagwell: DIE, BITC—
But she easily catches him and pulls the dagger away.
Brienne: Oh, a FUNNY guy are you? Why don’t you laugh for me then?
Shagwell: Huh?
Brienne: LAUGH I SAY! LAUGH, BITCH!
She stabs him in the gut with his own dagger.
Brienne: I DON’T HEAR YOU! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!
*stab*stab*stab*
Brienne: I SAID LAUGH, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
*STAB*
Shagwell: *blood starts gushing out of mouth*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*
Brienne: LAUGH!
*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*STAB*
Brienne notices that she hears crying. Is Shagwell crying? No. She finally realizes that she’s the one who’s crying and she deliverers the 347th stab wound into the corpse of Shagwell.
As she sobs, Pod slowly creeps up and pulls the dagger out of her hand.
Pod: Uhmm… okay ser… m’am. I’m… uh… I’m going to take this away from you now.
Brienne: He… he… he said I couldn’t do it… he said I couldn’t kill…
Pod: What now, ser? M’am?
Brienne: My… my… old… master at arms.
Pod: Okay, well… uhh… wow. Obviously you can. Now let’s get these 11 pints of human blood cleaned up off of you and get back to the horses…
Brienne: OH SHIT! THE HORSES! Pod, you were supposed to be watching them!
Pod: So? I came in here to help save you! And I did!
Brienne: But there was that man following us! Rememb—
But as she looks up she sees him standing there. The man that was following them.
Ser Hyle Hunt: HEY EVERYONE! IT’S ME!
Brienne: Hyle Fucking Hunt? What are you doing here? Here to tease me again just like you did back at the melee at Bitterbridge with Harry and Potter?
Pod: AHAHAHA! THE HARRY POTTER THING AGAIN! HAHAHAHA!
Brienne: Shut up, Pod.
Hyle Hunt: Lord Randyll Tarly ordered me to follow you, in the event that you DID find Sansa Stark. I see that she is not here though.
Brienne: No. But I think I know where to find her, now that the totally unimportant character of Timeon dropped plot exposition on me right before he died, seemingly for no reason.
Hyle Hunt: Odd that he would just tell you important info like that for no good reason.
Brienne: Indeed. What kind of a moron would just openly blurt out important information about Sansa Stark being last seen with The Hound, headed towards Riverrun?
Hyle Hunt: You. Since you just did that. Right now.
Brienne: Oh crap.
Hyle Hunt: Here, let me help you bury your friend Dick.
Brienne: And what about the rest of them?
Hyle Hunt: Really? They tried to murder you. Best to leave them out for the wolves to eat. Not that there is much left of Shagwell for any wolf to eat or for any human to bury. Holy shit, you went fucking Jack the Ripper on his ass. It looks like you stuck him inside of an industrial-sized blender and hit the “liquify” option.
Brienne: Yeah… I… uhm… I guess I got carried away.
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