Jaime arrives outside of Riverrun (not directly outside, but close), where he meets with his… uhh… relative, Daven Lannister.
Jaime: Wait, who are you?
Daven: Daven. The Warden of the West. Because she didn’t want to give the title to Kevan.
Jaime: How are we related?
Daven: I’m Stafford Lannister’s son.
Jaime: And which one is Stafford again?
Daven: He’s the brother of your mother, Joanna Lannister. He was killed by Robb Stark at the Battle of Oxcross.
Jaime: Wait… why would your last name be “Lannister” then? Wouldn’t you and your dad Stafford have the same last name as my mother’s maiden name, whatever that was?
Daven: Your mother’s maiden name was “Lannister.” She was Joanna Lannister before she married Tywin.
Jaime: Huh?
Daven: Joanna’s father was Jason Lannister. Jason Lannister was the younger brother of Tytos Lannister, Tywin’s father. Tywin and Joanna were cousins.
Jaime: Ah, okay. So the “having sex with your relatives” thing runs in the family, huh?
Daven: *stares blankly*
Jaime: Okay, well that Battle of Oxcross thing sounds vaguely familiar. So what’s up?
Daven: Well, we’re sieging Riverrun.
Jaime: And are things going well?
Daven: Eh. Not really. But then again my allies are kind of shits. First of all, I’ve got the Westerlings who swore allegiance to me. You can tell how happy they are about that, considering that Jeyne Westerling was Robb Stark’s wife. She’s in Riverrun with the Blackfish. Then we also have the Freys with us. And you know about the Freys.
Jaime: Yeah, the Freys are the worst. But then again, even with better allies there is no guarantee you’d have been able to take Riverrun. The Blackfish is a tricky foe.
Daven: Every day, fucking Ryman Frey brings out Edmure Tully before Riverrun and threatens to hang him. But he never does it.
Jaime: Ah yes. The boy who cried wolf. By now, Blackfish likely knows that Edmure is too valuable a prisoner. Well, I better go check on that asshole.
Jaime goes to see Ryman Frey.
Jaime: What’s up, dipshit?
Ryman: Oh, hey Jaime. Just going out for my daily empty threat to hang Edmure.
Jaime: Blackfish won’t fall for that, you fucking moron. You’re going to need some better leverage than that.
Ryman: Oh. Well have you heard that Roslin is with child?
Jaime: WHAAAAAAA? Roslin Frey? Edmure’s wife? The bride at the Red Wedding?
Ryman: Yes.
Jaime: Edmure had time to convience a fucking child with her while he was a prisoner?
Ryman: Yes. Well. There was a small bit of time between when Edmure and Roslin went back to their bedchamber, and when the massacre at the Red Wedding started. That small time was enough for Edmure to get Roslin pregnant, the first time they ever had sex on their wedding night.
Jaime: Man, that dude has some potent semen.
Ryman: I guess. That fucking baby better not be a boy though. Riverrun has been granted to me! ME! If Edmure has a boy… well… then there will be a rival claim.
Jaime: Yes. A rival claim, from the rightful heir by blood.
Ryman: …
Jaime: Anyway, sounds like you have a fucked family relationships among the Freys, considering you probably want Roslin’s kid to die. But then again, the Lannisters are no different. I mean just look at my cousin Lancel. He’s abandoning his wife to join that previously banned ilitary order.
Daven: Whhhhaaaaaaa? Lancel is doing what now?
Jaime: You heard me.
Daven: Maybe that’s why Ser Kevan was so hostile to me and in an angry mood. His son is crazy. And I thought he was just angry that I was made Warden of the West instead of him. I tried to tell him over and over again that it was not a title that I wanted or asked for.
Jaime: Kevan is sort of a dick no matter what, so don’t let that ruffle your feathers.
Daven: What’s ruffling my feathers is this seige. The Blackfish is well-stocked to hold out for a long, long time. He probably has more resources inside of Riverrun than we have out here. The cold is coming, and these lands are already depleted. When we send out foragers to get food and materials, they never come back. We find their bodies hanging in the woods. It would be comforting to think that Beric Dondarrion and his bandits are the ones doing it. But I have my doubts. These Riverlords who have bent the knee to the Freys and the Lannisters still have the hearts of wolves. They swear allegiance to us in public, but what they do in private… well…
Jaime: I see, I see. Well, it seems like what we need to do is compromise with the Blackfish.
Ryman: COMPROMISE?! NEVER! Riverrun is MINE! He will accept no compromise where that happens, and I will accept no compromise where it doesn’t happen.
Jaime: Is that so? Well, there is a reason you are all a bunch of minor, supporting characters and I am Jaime Fucking Kingslayer Lannister. I wish to treat with the Blackfish and offer him good enough terms for him to surrender peacefully, before we have to have a fight where far too many men on both sides will die.
Daven: Yeah, well… good luck with that shit.
Jaime then heads off for the night to spar again with Ser Ilyn Payne. Payne, of course, because Payne is a master swordsman and Jaime has been fighting with his left hand for… a couple of months or so?
The next day, Jaime heads over to Riverrun proper and takes a look at the men who are besieging Riverrun.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT. Look at this ragtag bunch of worthless, untalented morons. No wonder they can’t take Riverrun.
Ryman: HEY! These are my men you’re talking about here!
Jaime: Ah, well that explains a lot.
Jaime looks up and sees Edmure Tully, standing on a gallows with a rope around his neck.
Jaime: Sorry bro, this really looks like it sucks.
Edmure Tully: Eat a giant bag of dicks, asshole.
Jaime: Fair enough. I’m going to send a raven to the Blackfish, asking to meet with him at the drawbridge at dawn. For now, I need to make camp.
He makes camp and is soon joined by his aunt, Lady Genna. She’s a Lannister, but she’s married into the Freys so I guess she goes by that name now. And I suppose you know who her son is. And by “is,” I mean “was.”
Jaime: Aunt Genna! So nice to see you again. And… uhh… “Uncle Emmon.” Erm. You exist too. I’m so sorry about your son, Cleos.
Genna: Yes, Jaime. Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too.
Jaime: Yeah. My hand. It's terrible. Being cut off and everything. That was my sword hand and my jerking off hand. I really miss it.
Genna: I meant your fucking faither, Tywin, being murdered. You dipshit.
Jaime: Oh right. I guess I miss him too.
Genna: You can get a new hand. I see you did. A gold one. You can't get yourself a new gold dad.
Jaime: Can't I?
Genna: ...
Emmon: ...
Jaime: ...
Genna: So, you were hanging out with Cleos in his final days?
Jaime: Yes. He traveled with me and Lady Brienne of Tarth, on a mission to get me back to Kings Landing. He was brutally murdered by thugs on the road.
Genna: Yes. Terrible! Terrible! Can you confirm that he died bravely?
Jaime: Uhh… yeah. Let’s say “sure.” Because telling you that he died fleeing on a horse, falling out of his stirrups and having his head bashed in by rocks would probably make you feel pretty bad. Or that I left him there as a feast... for the carrion crows...
...
Jaime: No? Nothing for that one? Not close enough to the book title for any "He just said the Magic Word" scene? Okay. Fair enough.
Genna: And your brother – Tyrion? Is what I have heard true? Did he REALLY kill King Joffrey?
Jaime: He confessed to Joffrey, so I’m afraid so. Why would he lie to me?
Emmon: *says nothing because he’s deathly afraid of Genna hitting him*
Genna: Emmon, what are you still even doing here? Leave! I have private things to discuss with my nephew.
Emmon leaves. He wasn’t contributing much anyway.
Genna: Oh, that moron. He’s always complaining about not wanting to see Riverrun scratched, so that the Freys can have it. Riverrun is a poisoned prize anyway. As long as any Tully remains alive, we will be in danger. Tywin should have given us Darry instead, and Riverrun to Kevan.
Jaime: Hrm. Not impossible now. Have you heard about Lancel?
Genna: No. What?
Jaime tells her.
Genna: WHAT?! That moron.
Jaime: He is.
Genna: First of all, he's the lord of a catle now and he wants to give that up. Which is dumb in itself. But most of all.. what he'd be doing here is breaking a marriage alliance. With the Freys.
Jaime: Correct-a-mundo.
Genna: Does Lancel have the slightest fucking clue what happened the last time someone broke a marriage alliance with the Freys? They do not take shit like that lightly.
Jaime: Notionally, yes, he should be vaguely aware of that fact. But I don't think he's thought about it that hard. But the bottom line is... if you want Darry… you can probably have it now.
Genna: Darry? Well, Emmon is set on having Riverrun now. Still. Kevan has another son, right? Martyn. Maybe Martyn can take Lancel’s place and be Lord of Darry. This is all your dumb cunt sister’s fault anyway. Lancel would never do that dumb shit if she didn’t allow the Faith to take up arms again. Has she no clue how much of a pain in the ass the Swords and Stars were back in the day? How many problems they caused for the Targaryen kings? How impossible it was to eventually disarm them? She’s opened up a can of worms. Worms with swords.
Jaime: She is obviously a moron, yes. I see that now.
Genna: And she is making the stupidest decisions with her appointments to leadership. She is putting the biggest fucking morons in positions of power. Everyone knows that Kevan should be the Hand of the King. Why is he not?
Jaime: Well, Cersei and Kevan are none too fond of each other these days, for a number of reasons. Anyway, forget all of that Cersei nonsense. I hope to make your little Blackfish problem go away. I plan to meet with him at dawn. I’ve sent a raven. I want to make a deal that will let him keep his life, and let you aquire Riverrun before it’s totally destroyed.
Genna: And what makes you think he’d trust you or the Freys? You’re all oathbrakers.
Jaime: Ouch. But then again, you always did keep it real, Aunt Genna.
Genna: The best thing to do is just hang that fucking Edmure boy to show the Blackfish you mean business. Right now we look weak. It’s because the Freys are being weak. I didn’t even want to marry into the Freys. Your father, Tywin, was the only one who objected to it. He was always stronger than the rest of his brothers. He protected us all and showed strength. With him gone… who will protect the Lannisters now?
Jaime: Well, Tywin did leave a son behind.
Genna: That fucking useless dipshit?
Jaime: I was talking about me.
Genna: I know.
Jaime: …
Genna: …
Jaime: Wow. Uh. Okay.
Genna: Oh, sweetie. I have known you since you were a little baby sucking on a breast. You think you can be the next Tywin? Hahaha, no. Whether Twyin liked it or not… it was always Tyrion that was his true son. Not you. You have a pretty smile and are competent enough. But you’re more like Kevan than Tywin. I told your father that once, and he didn’t speak to me for over a year. But I tell shit like it is. Not like what bitches want to hear.
Jaime: Shit, Genna. It’s like I’m out of the pan and into the flames here. I thought getting away from Cersei would mean I'd stop getting by balls busted so much. Yet I’m get nothing but shit from you. Is this a roast? You’re like fucking Don Rickles over here.
Jaime: Wait, who are you?
Daven: Daven. The Warden of the West. Because she didn’t want to give the title to Kevan.
Jaime: How are we related?
Daven: I’m Stafford Lannister’s son.
Jaime: And which one is Stafford again?
Daven: He’s the brother of your mother, Joanna Lannister. He was killed by Robb Stark at the Battle of Oxcross.
Jaime: Wait… why would your last name be “Lannister” then? Wouldn’t you and your dad Stafford have the same last name as my mother’s maiden name, whatever that was?
Daven: Your mother’s maiden name was “Lannister.” She was Joanna Lannister before she married Tywin.
Jaime: Huh?
Daven: Joanna’s father was Jason Lannister. Jason Lannister was the younger brother of Tytos Lannister, Tywin’s father. Tywin and Joanna were cousins.
Jaime: Ah, okay. So the “having sex with your relatives” thing runs in the family, huh?
Daven: *stares blankly*
Jaime: Okay, well that Battle of Oxcross thing sounds vaguely familiar. So what’s up?
Daven: Well, we’re sieging Riverrun.
Jaime: And are things going well?
Daven: Eh. Not really. But then again my allies are kind of shits. First of all, I’ve got the Westerlings who swore allegiance to me. You can tell how happy they are about that, considering that Jeyne Westerling was Robb Stark’s wife. She’s in Riverrun with the Blackfish. Then we also have the Freys with us. And you know about the Freys.
Jaime: Yeah, the Freys are the worst. But then again, even with better allies there is no guarantee you’d have been able to take Riverrun. The Blackfish is a tricky foe.
Daven: Every day, fucking Ryman Frey brings out Edmure Tully before Riverrun and threatens to hang him. But he never does it.
Jaime: Ah yes. The boy who cried wolf. By now, Blackfish likely knows that Edmure is too valuable a prisoner. Well, I better go check on that asshole.
Jaime goes to see Ryman Frey.
Jaime: What’s up, dipshit?
Ryman: Oh, hey Jaime. Just going out for my daily empty threat to hang Edmure.
Jaime: Blackfish won’t fall for that, you fucking moron. You’re going to need some better leverage than that.
Ryman: Oh. Well have you heard that Roslin is with child?
Jaime: WHAAAAAAA? Roslin Frey? Edmure’s wife? The bride at the Red Wedding?
Ryman: Yes.
Jaime: Edmure had time to convience a fucking child with her while he was a prisoner?
Ryman: Yes. Well. There was a small bit of time between when Edmure and Roslin went back to their bedchamber, and when the massacre at the Red Wedding started. That small time was enough for Edmure to get Roslin pregnant, the first time they ever had sex on their wedding night.
Jaime: Man, that dude has some potent semen.
Ryman: I guess. That fucking baby better not be a boy though. Riverrun has been granted to me! ME! If Edmure has a boy… well… then there will be a rival claim.
Jaime: Yes. A rival claim, from the rightful heir by blood.
Ryman: …
Jaime: Anyway, sounds like you have a fucked family relationships among the Freys, considering you probably want Roslin’s kid to die. But then again, the Lannisters are no different. I mean just look at my cousin Lancel. He’s abandoning his wife to join that previously banned ilitary order.
Daven: Whhhhaaaaaaa? Lancel is doing what now?
Jaime: You heard me.
Daven: Maybe that’s why Ser Kevan was so hostile to me and in an angry mood. His son is crazy. And I thought he was just angry that I was made Warden of the West instead of him. I tried to tell him over and over again that it was not a title that I wanted or asked for.
Jaime: Kevan is sort of a dick no matter what, so don’t let that ruffle your feathers.
Daven: What’s ruffling my feathers is this seige. The Blackfish is well-stocked to hold out for a long, long time. He probably has more resources inside of Riverrun than we have out here. The cold is coming, and these lands are already depleted. When we send out foragers to get food and materials, they never come back. We find their bodies hanging in the woods. It would be comforting to think that Beric Dondarrion and his bandits are the ones doing it. But I have my doubts. These Riverlords who have bent the knee to the Freys and the Lannisters still have the hearts of wolves. They swear allegiance to us in public, but what they do in private… well…
Jaime: I see, I see. Well, it seems like what we need to do is compromise with the Blackfish.
Ryman: COMPROMISE?! NEVER! Riverrun is MINE! He will accept no compromise where that happens, and I will accept no compromise where it doesn’t happen.
Jaime: Is that so? Well, there is a reason you are all a bunch of minor, supporting characters and I am Jaime Fucking Kingslayer Lannister. I wish to treat with the Blackfish and offer him good enough terms for him to surrender peacefully, before we have to have a fight where far too many men on both sides will die.
Daven: Yeah, well… good luck with that shit.
Jaime then heads off for the night to spar again with Ser Ilyn Payne. Payne, of course, because Payne is a master swordsman and Jaime has been fighting with his left hand for… a couple of months or so?
The next day, Jaime heads over to Riverrun proper and takes a look at the men who are besieging Riverrun.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT. Look at this ragtag bunch of worthless, untalented morons. No wonder they can’t take Riverrun.
Ryman: HEY! These are my men you’re talking about here!
Jaime: Ah, well that explains a lot.
Jaime looks up and sees Edmure Tully, standing on a gallows with a rope around his neck.
Jaime: Sorry bro, this really looks like it sucks.
Edmure Tully: Eat a giant bag of dicks, asshole.
Jaime: Fair enough. I’m going to send a raven to the Blackfish, asking to meet with him at the drawbridge at dawn. For now, I need to make camp.
He makes camp and is soon joined by his aunt, Lady Genna. She’s a Lannister, but she’s married into the Freys so I guess she goes by that name now. And I suppose you know who her son is. And by “is,” I mean “was.”
Jaime: Aunt Genna! So nice to see you again. And… uhh… “Uncle Emmon.” Erm. You exist too. I’m so sorry about your son, Cleos.
Genna: Yes, Jaime. Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too.
Jaime: Yeah. My hand. It's terrible. Being cut off and everything. That was my sword hand and my jerking off hand. I really miss it.
Genna: I meant your fucking faither, Tywin, being murdered. You dipshit.
Jaime: Oh right. I guess I miss him too.
Genna: You can get a new hand. I see you did. A gold one. You can't get yourself a new gold dad.
Jaime: Can't I?
Genna: ...
Emmon: ...
Jaime: ...
Genna: So, you were hanging out with Cleos in his final days?
Jaime: Yes. He traveled with me and Lady Brienne of Tarth, on a mission to get me back to Kings Landing. He was brutally murdered by thugs on the road.
Genna: Yes. Terrible! Terrible! Can you confirm that he died bravely?
Jaime: Uhh… yeah. Let’s say “sure.” Because telling you that he died fleeing on a horse, falling out of his stirrups and having his head bashed in by rocks would probably make you feel pretty bad. Or that I left him there as a feast... for the carrion crows...
...
Jaime: No? Nothing for that one? Not close enough to the book title for any "He just said the Magic Word" scene? Okay. Fair enough.
Genna: And your brother – Tyrion? Is what I have heard true? Did he REALLY kill King Joffrey?
Jaime: He confessed to Joffrey, so I’m afraid so. Why would he lie to me?
Emmon: *says nothing because he’s deathly afraid of Genna hitting him*
Genna: Emmon, what are you still even doing here? Leave! I have private things to discuss with my nephew.
Emmon leaves. He wasn’t contributing much anyway.
Genna: Oh, that moron. He’s always complaining about not wanting to see Riverrun scratched, so that the Freys can have it. Riverrun is a poisoned prize anyway. As long as any Tully remains alive, we will be in danger. Tywin should have given us Darry instead, and Riverrun to Kevan.
Jaime: Hrm. Not impossible now. Have you heard about Lancel?
Genna: No. What?
Jaime tells her.
Genna: WHAT?! That moron.
Jaime: He is.
Genna: First of all, he's the lord of a catle now and he wants to give that up. Which is dumb in itself. But most of all.. what he'd be doing here is breaking a marriage alliance. With the Freys.
Jaime: Correct-a-mundo.
Genna: Does Lancel have the slightest fucking clue what happened the last time someone broke a marriage alliance with the Freys? They do not take shit like that lightly.
Jaime: Notionally, yes, he should be vaguely aware of that fact. But I don't think he's thought about it that hard. But the bottom line is... if you want Darry… you can probably have it now.
Genna: Darry? Well, Emmon is set on having Riverrun now. Still. Kevan has another son, right? Martyn. Maybe Martyn can take Lancel’s place and be Lord of Darry. This is all your dumb cunt sister’s fault anyway. Lancel would never do that dumb shit if she didn’t allow the Faith to take up arms again. Has she no clue how much of a pain in the ass the Swords and Stars were back in the day? How many problems they caused for the Targaryen kings? How impossible it was to eventually disarm them? She’s opened up a can of worms. Worms with swords.
Jaime: She is obviously a moron, yes. I see that now.
Genna: And she is making the stupidest decisions with her appointments to leadership. She is putting the biggest fucking morons in positions of power. Everyone knows that Kevan should be the Hand of the King. Why is he not?
Jaime: Well, Cersei and Kevan are none too fond of each other these days, for a number of reasons. Anyway, forget all of that Cersei nonsense. I hope to make your little Blackfish problem go away. I plan to meet with him at dawn. I’ve sent a raven. I want to make a deal that will let him keep his life, and let you aquire Riverrun before it’s totally destroyed.
Genna: And what makes you think he’d trust you or the Freys? You’re all oathbrakers.
Jaime: Ouch. But then again, you always did keep it real, Aunt Genna.
Genna: The best thing to do is just hang that fucking Edmure boy to show the Blackfish you mean business. Right now we look weak. It’s because the Freys are being weak. I didn’t even want to marry into the Freys. Your father, Tywin, was the only one who objected to it. He was always stronger than the rest of his brothers. He protected us all and showed strength. With him gone… who will protect the Lannisters now?
Jaime: Well, Tywin did leave a son behind.
Genna: That fucking useless dipshit?
Jaime: I was talking about me.
Genna: I know.
Jaime: …
Genna: …
Jaime: Wow. Uh. Okay.
Genna: Oh, sweetie. I have known you since you were a little baby sucking on a breast. You think you can be the next Tywin? Hahaha, no. Whether Twyin liked it or not… it was always Tyrion that was his true son. Not you. You have a pretty smile and are competent enough. But you’re more like Kevan than Tywin. I told your father that once, and he didn’t speak to me for over a year. But I tell shit like it is. Not like what bitches want to hear.
Jaime: Shit, Genna. It’s like I’m out of the pan and into the flames here. I thought getting away from Cersei would mean I'd stop getting by balls busted so much. Yet I’m get nothing but shit from you. Is this a roast? You’re like fucking Don Rickles over here.
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