We begin in media res. The wedding ceremony itself is done, and the wedding feast has begun.
Cat listens to the continuous, unending pounding of the drums that the musicians are playing.
Cat: Ugh, these guys are terrible musicians. They have no rythm. And it's too loud. It's like they're not even real musicians. It's like they're a bunch of soldiers dressed up as musicians or something.
The wedding is joyless. Cat is stuck between grumpy Ryman Frey and grumpier Roose Bolton. Robb politely dances with almost all of the Frey women in the dinner, so as to not offend their host. And there the old man sits... the late Walder Frey. Just sitting there on his chair in the middle like a big, deaf asshole.
Edmure: Oh, it's not that bad, Cat! Look how hot my wife is!
Cat: Sure. I guess. Small hips though.
Roslin herself is stiff. Cat assumes that she's nervous about this whole bedding ceremony thing that is to come.
Robb: Yeah, but not everyone is miserable here. Look, the Greatjon is having fun. See?
The Greatjon is with Merrett Frey. They're playing drinking games and trying to out-do one another. Needless to say, the Greatjon is BLITZED out of his mind. After he beats Merrett, he starts yet another drink-off with Petyr "Pimple" Frey.
Cat: Yeah, well I guess Lord Frey isn't being cheap with the wine, at least. This food is awful, but the wine is pouring.
Cat looks as Roose Bolton sits there, barely eating or drinking.
He then excuses himself to use the bathroom and exits.
Robb: Oh, hey Ser Ryman... is Olyvar, Frey here? You know, he used to be my squire until the Freys all left me after hearing I'd married Jeyne. Now that we're back on the same side, I'd love for Olyvar to squire for me again and ride north with me when I leave tomorrow.
Ryman: Uhh... nope. Not here.
Cat: Hey, isn't one of the Freys a famous and talented musican? Shouldn't he be here instead of this terrible drumline?
Ryman: He's away too.
Cat: Oh. Uhm... okay then.
Old man Frey then slowly hobbles his butt out of his chair.
Walder: Okay, I think it's time that everyone start tearing Roslin's clothes off and everyone watch her and Edmure have sex, am I right?!
Everyone: YEAH!!!! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING!
People then start making sex jokes. You get the gist. Edmure's penis must be a fish because the House Tully logo is a fish and Roslin probably has two vaginas because the Frey's logo is the Twins.
Cat thinks back to her own bedding ceremony. Ah, what a cute... simpler time that must have been! Back when dead Jory was drunk and sexually harrasing her with everyone else from Winterfell who are also dead now. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Most people leave to watch the bedding. Cat stays. She doesn't watch to watch her brother fuck some girl. Eww. Cat sees that Roslin is crying as she's dragged away with her clothes torn off.
Robb stays behind too.
Cat: You know, Walder will probably be offended that you're not watching it.
Robb: He'll be offended no matter what. Screw that guy. He wouldn't even let me bring Grey Wind in here, despite the fact that I super-duper promised that he wouldn't tear anyone's throats out.
Cat goes back to sitting there and being miserable. The music is making things miserable too. They just changed the song to "The Rains of Castamere."
Cat: Wow. What an odd song choice for a wedding. Isn't this song about the Lannisters wiping out an entire family that they were at war with? That's craz--um...
In the distance she sees Lady Dacey Mormont walk up to Edwyn Frey. Dacey puts a hand on his shoulder.
Dacey: So you wanna dance or something?
Edwyn jerks away quicky.
Edwyn: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!
Robb: What the fuck just happened there?
Cat: Uhhh..... something is not... quite... riiii...
She gets up and runs over to Edwyn. She pulls up his tunic and sees that he's wearing mail underneath.
Cat: SONOFA--
She slaps him in his face and breaks his lip. Edwyn shoves her aside, and as she turns to stand back up she hears crossbow bolts being fired. She looks and sees Robb.
Cat: ROBB!
Robb: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
He has bolts in his side and his leg. He falls to the ground. Cat looks up and sees that the musicians have dropped their instruments and pulled out crossbows.
She runs towards Robb, and is shot in the back.
Smalljon: NOOOO!!!
Smalljon flips a table over in front of Robb to protect his King. Three more bolts head towards Robb, but the table stops them.
Robin Flint: Just what is going on h--*is stabbed to death by a bunch of Freys*
Wendel Manderly: HEY! You can't do th---*gets shot through the mouth and immediately dies*
Cat feels the burning in her back from where she's been shot, but keeps trying to make her way over to her son. As she does, she watches Smalljon bludgeon Raymund Frey in the head. But as he goes for his sword, a crossbow bolt hits him in the knees and he falls. Some men come over and then decapitate him.
Dacey Mormont gets an axe to the stomach by Ryman Frey. Donnel Locke and Owen Lorrey are shot with dozens of crossbow bolts. Lucas Blackwood is killed by Hosteen Frey, and some Vance guy is killed by Black Walder. Dacey runs for a door but gets caught. The Greatjon is still passed out drunk and does nothing. Lord Walder watches it all from his seat, enjoying every moment of it.
Cat sees a dagger near Lord Walder, and starts to crawl for it. Walder's lackwit jester grandson, "Jinglebell" Aegon, is closer to the dagger. But he doesn't do anything. He just cowers.
Robb: ENOUGH!
Robb pushes the table out of the way and stands up.
Walder: Ah, the "King in the North" arises, I see. Heh, heh. Looks like we killed some of your men. But it's okay. I'll just APOLOGIZE and they'll all come back.
Robb: Oh... sweet. Is that how that works?
Walder: ...
Robb: ...
Walder: NO, I'M BEING FACETIOUS!
Robb: Oh.
Walder: Get it? Because you thought APOLOGIZING to me about breaking your solemn vow to marry one of my daughters would make everything okay?
Robb: No, no. I get it now. I see what you did there. For a minute I thought maybe that there was something magical with the bread and salt that could make everyone live again. I guess not.
Walder: HOW THE FUCK IS BREAD AND SALT SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.
Robb: Well, it's sort of a tradition I guess and... ugh... man... sorry... I can't keep up with this conversation here. I'm sort of bleeding out.
Robb hears Grey Wind howl in the distance.
Robb: DOGGO! I get to say DOGGO one last time before I die. And "woofer." And "Doge." Which I pronounce "doje," by the way. I know some people say it's supposed to be pronounced "dogue" like "vogue," or "dog-e" like "doggy." But I go with the "doje" version.
Cat now stands up with the dagger in her hand. She grabs Jinglebell and puts the knife to his throat.
Cat: OKAY! ENOUGH! ENOUGH, LORD WALDER! YOU MADE YOUR POINT! NOW STOP THIS SENSELESS KILLING! One betrayal is met with another betrayal. Now we're even. Just let my son go!
Walder: Uhh.... no.
Cat: Please.
Walder: Well, I mean that would sort of ruin everything. "The Rains of Castamere" is about the Lannisters wiping out an entire House. So... you know... part of the whole theme here is supposed to be wiping you all out. If I let him live... then it's like the whole training these guys did for song was all for NOTHING.
Cat: They didn't train that hard. These musicians were terrible.
Walder: Well yeah, they are really just soldiers who were waiting to pull out their crossbows. Still though. They did train.
Cat: PLEASE! Just take me as a hostage. You can do whatever. Just let my son go! I promise you that we will take no revenge for this. Scout's honor!
Walder: Bullshit.
Cat: A TRADE! Can't you see that I have a knife to Jinglebell's throat? A son for a son.
Walder: Okay, first of all... Jinglebell is a grandson, not a son. Second... he's kind of retarded. I know that's not a politically correct thing to say... but yeah... look at me... I'm pretty much murdering a bunch of people in cold blood. So whether I'm politically correct or not is the least of everyone's concerns. Do you honestly think I'd trade a retarded jester grandson for THE KING IN THE NORTH? You... Lady Stark... really need to work on your negotiation skills. I mean maybe you should have grabbed my WIFE or something. Hrm. Even then. I'm pretty sure I would let you kill my wife too.
Roose Bolton walks back into the room.
Roose: Oh, hey Robb.
Robb: Hey Roose. We're sort of in the middle of something.
Roose: I forgot to say. Jaime Lannister sends his regards.
Roose stabs Robb in the heart and twists the blade. He falls to his knees.
Robb: I'm... so... glad... I... didn't... bring... Jeyneeeeeeeeeeeeee.
He falls over and dies.
Roose: Yeah. That was probably a good call. DON'T BRING YOUR WIFE, people.
Walda Frey: You brought me, honey.
Roose: Shut up, fatso.
Cat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cat slices Jinglebell's neck open and she starts crying. All she feels is pain and emptiness. She starts clawing at her own face, and draws blood that mixes with tears.
Raymund Frey: Oh, this bitch is clawing at her own face. This bitch has just GONE CRAZY. Should... should we keep her a hostage like in the plan or what?
Walder: Meh.
Raymund Frey grabs her and slices her neck open.
So now she's dead too. So there's that.
Cat listens to the continuous, unending pounding of the drums that the musicians are playing.
Cat: Ugh, these guys are terrible musicians. They have no rythm. And it's too loud. It's like they're not even real musicians. It's like they're a bunch of soldiers dressed up as musicians or something.
The wedding is joyless. Cat is stuck between grumpy Ryman Frey and grumpier Roose Bolton. Robb politely dances with almost all of the Frey women in the dinner, so as to not offend their host. And there the old man sits... the late Walder Frey. Just sitting there on his chair in the middle like a big, deaf asshole.
Edmure: Oh, it's not that bad, Cat! Look how hot my wife is!
Cat: Sure. I guess. Small hips though.
Roslin herself is stiff. Cat assumes that she's nervous about this whole bedding ceremony thing that is to come.
Robb: Yeah, but not everyone is miserable here. Look, the Greatjon is having fun. See?
The Greatjon is with Merrett Frey. They're playing drinking games and trying to out-do one another. Needless to say, the Greatjon is BLITZED out of his mind. After he beats Merrett, he starts yet another drink-off with Petyr "Pimple" Frey.
Cat: Yeah, well I guess Lord Frey isn't being cheap with the wine, at least. This food is awful, but the wine is pouring.
Cat looks as Roose Bolton sits there, barely eating or drinking.
He then excuses himself to use the bathroom and exits.
Robb: Oh, hey Ser Ryman... is Olyvar, Frey here? You know, he used to be my squire until the Freys all left me after hearing I'd married Jeyne. Now that we're back on the same side, I'd love for Olyvar to squire for me again and ride north with me when I leave tomorrow.
Ryman: Uhh... nope. Not here.
Cat: Hey, isn't one of the Freys a famous and talented musican? Shouldn't he be here instead of this terrible drumline?
Ryman: He's away too.
Cat: Oh. Uhm... okay then.
Old man Frey then slowly hobbles his butt out of his chair.
Walder: Okay, I think it's time that everyone start tearing Roslin's clothes off and everyone watch her and Edmure have sex, am I right?!
Everyone: YEAH!!!! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING!
People then start making sex jokes. You get the gist. Edmure's penis must be a fish because the House Tully logo is a fish and Roslin probably has two vaginas because the Frey's logo is the Twins.
Cat thinks back to her own bedding ceremony. Ah, what a cute... simpler time that must have been! Back when dead Jory was drunk and sexually harrasing her with everyone else from Winterfell who are also dead now. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Most people leave to watch the bedding. Cat stays. She doesn't watch to watch her brother fuck some girl. Eww. Cat sees that Roslin is crying as she's dragged away with her clothes torn off.
Robb stays behind too.
Cat: You know, Walder will probably be offended that you're not watching it.
Robb: He'll be offended no matter what. Screw that guy. He wouldn't even let me bring Grey Wind in here, despite the fact that I super-duper promised that he wouldn't tear anyone's throats out.
Cat goes back to sitting there and being miserable. The music is making things miserable too. They just changed the song to "The Rains of Castamere."
Cat: Wow. What an odd song choice for a wedding. Isn't this song about the Lannisters wiping out an entire family that they were at war with? That's craz--um...
In the distance she sees Lady Dacey Mormont walk up to Edwyn Frey. Dacey puts a hand on his shoulder.
Dacey: So you wanna dance or something?
Edwyn jerks away quicky.
Edwyn: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!
Robb: What the fuck just happened there?
Cat: Uhhh..... something is not... quite... riiii...
She gets up and runs over to Edwyn. She pulls up his tunic and sees that he's wearing mail underneath.
Cat: SONOFA--
She slaps him in his face and breaks his lip. Edwyn shoves her aside, and as she turns to stand back up she hears crossbow bolts being fired. She looks and sees Robb.
Cat: ROBB!
Robb: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
He has bolts in his side and his leg. He falls to the ground. Cat looks up and sees that the musicians have dropped their instruments and pulled out crossbows.
She runs towards Robb, and is shot in the back.
Smalljon: NOOOO!!!
Smalljon flips a table over in front of Robb to protect his King. Three more bolts head towards Robb, but the table stops them.
Robin Flint: Just what is going on h--*is stabbed to death by a bunch of Freys*
Wendel Manderly: HEY! You can't do th---*gets shot through the mouth and immediately dies*
Cat feels the burning in her back from where she's been shot, but keeps trying to make her way over to her son. As she does, she watches Smalljon bludgeon Raymund Frey in the head. But as he goes for his sword, a crossbow bolt hits him in the knees and he falls. Some men come over and then decapitate him.
Dacey Mormont gets an axe to the stomach by Ryman Frey. Donnel Locke and Owen Lorrey are shot with dozens of crossbow bolts. Lucas Blackwood is killed by Hosteen Frey, and some Vance guy is killed by Black Walder. Dacey runs for a door but gets caught. The Greatjon is still passed out drunk and does nothing. Lord Walder watches it all from his seat, enjoying every moment of it.
Cat sees a dagger near Lord Walder, and starts to crawl for it. Walder's lackwit jester grandson, "Jinglebell" Aegon, is closer to the dagger. But he doesn't do anything. He just cowers.
Robb: ENOUGH!
Robb pushes the table out of the way and stands up.
Walder: Ah, the "King in the North" arises, I see. Heh, heh. Looks like we killed some of your men. But it's okay. I'll just APOLOGIZE and they'll all come back.
Robb: Oh... sweet. Is that how that works?
Walder: ...
Robb: ...
Walder: NO, I'M BEING FACETIOUS!
Robb: Oh.
Walder: Get it? Because you thought APOLOGIZING to me about breaking your solemn vow to marry one of my daughters would make everything okay?
Robb: No, no. I get it now. I see what you did there. For a minute I thought maybe that there was something magical with the bread and salt that could make everyone live again. I guess not.
Walder: HOW THE FUCK IS BREAD AND SALT SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.
Robb: Well, it's sort of a tradition I guess and... ugh... man... sorry... I can't keep up with this conversation here. I'm sort of bleeding out.
Robb hears Grey Wind howl in the distance.
Robb: DOGGO! I get to say DOGGO one last time before I die. And "woofer." And "Doge." Which I pronounce "doje," by the way. I know some people say it's supposed to be pronounced "dogue" like "vogue," or "dog-e" like "doggy." But I go with the "doje" version.
Cat now stands up with the dagger in her hand. She grabs Jinglebell and puts the knife to his throat.
Cat: OKAY! ENOUGH! ENOUGH, LORD WALDER! YOU MADE YOUR POINT! NOW STOP THIS SENSELESS KILLING! One betrayal is met with another betrayal. Now we're even. Just let my son go!
Walder: Uhh.... no.
Cat: Please.
Walder: Well, I mean that would sort of ruin everything. "The Rains of Castamere" is about the Lannisters wiping out an entire House. So... you know... part of the whole theme here is supposed to be wiping you all out. If I let him live... then it's like the whole training these guys did for song was all for NOTHING.
Cat: They didn't train that hard. These musicians were terrible.
Walder: Well yeah, they are really just soldiers who were waiting to pull out their crossbows. Still though. They did train.
Cat: PLEASE! Just take me as a hostage. You can do whatever. Just let my son go! I promise you that we will take no revenge for this. Scout's honor!
Walder: Bullshit.
Cat: A TRADE! Can't you see that I have a knife to Jinglebell's throat? A son for a son.
Walder: Okay, first of all... Jinglebell is a grandson, not a son. Second... he's kind of retarded. I know that's not a politically correct thing to say... but yeah... look at me... I'm pretty much murdering a bunch of people in cold blood. So whether I'm politically correct or not is the least of everyone's concerns. Do you honestly think I'd trade a retarded jester grandson for THE KING IN THE NORTH? You... Lady Stark... really need to work on your negotiation skills. I mean maybe you should have grabbed my WIFE or something. Hrm. Even then. I'm pretty sure I would let you kill my wife too.
Roose Bolton walks back into the room.
Roose: Oh, hey Robb.
Robb: Hey Roose. We're sort of in the middle of something.
Roose: I forgot to say. Jaime Lannister sends his regards.
Roose stabs Robb in the heart and twists the blade. He falls to his knees.
Robb: I'm... so... glad... I... didn't... bring... Jeyneeeeeeeeeeeeee.
He falls over and dies.
Roose: Yeah. That was probably a good call. DON'T BRING YOUR WIFE, people.
Walda Frey: You brought me, honey.
Roose: Shut up, fatso.
Cat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cat slices Jinglebell's neck open and she starts crying. All she feels is pain and emptiness. She starts clawing at her own face, and draws blood that mixes with tears.
Raymund Frey: Oh, this bitch is clawing at her own face. This bitch has just GONE CRAZY. Should... should we keep her a hostage like in the plan or what?
Walder: Meh.
Raymund Frey grabs her and slices her neck open.
So now she's dead too. So there's that.
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