In the distance, Jon sees that Mole’s Town is on fire.
Jon: Well, it’s a good thing all those whores aren’t on fire! Since I rode back here on my horse and warned everyone that the Wildlings were attacking from the South, now we’re all prepared to fight. We even had time to warn the residents of Mole’s Town. Now many of them have taken refuge here at Castle Black.
Donal Noye: Okay, that’s a lot of great plot exposition there dropped into a paragraph to help move the plot forward. Good. I’ll try to help out with that too. Jon, even though you’re still injured pretty bad, I will reluctantly agree to assign you to fight with the archers up on the King’s Tower. Hey, our options are pretty limited here. So we’ll have to fight even though you’re injured and half the Night’s Watch think you’re a traitor and don’t believe that “the Halfhand sent me on a secret mission to infiltrate the Wildlings” story.
Jon: Great! I think an awesome battle is about to begin. I hope Ygritte doesn’t take part in the fighting.
Noye: Who is Ygritte?
Jon: Uh. Never mind. I meant for that to be an internal thought. Anyway… any response to those birds we went out, asking for help?
Noye: No. And even if anyone did respond--which they won’t--no way would they make it here in time.
They wait several days, anticipating the Wildling attack from the south at any minute. Finally, one night it begins and the Wildlings start attacking.
Jon: There they are! Let’s start shooting!
Satin: OKAY!
Jon: Wait… who the hell is Satin?
Satin: I’m a pretty, effeminate boy whore that’s now in the Night’s Watch.
Jon: Oh. Did you just come from Mole’s Town?
Satin: No. I was a prisoner in Gulltown. But I think I’m supposed to have come from Oldtown or something. I was actually brought here before the great ranging and—
Jon: --Boring. I already don’t care. Just shoot Wildlings with arrows.
Satin: Fair enough.
Jon and Satin start shooting their arrows at Wildlings. Jon feels SORT OF messed up that he has to kill these guys who he used to travel with. But then again he always knew it would come to this, which is why he tried to not befriend any of them. Especially the guys who were with the Magnar of Thenn. Fuck those guys! He’s specifically looking for The Magnar so that he can shoot him.
Jon sees someone with long, red hair run by. He aims his arrow, but can’t shoot.
Jon: I… I just can’t. Maybe it’s Ygritte!
Satin: Aww… can’t “shoot your arrow,” huh Jon? As a boy whore, I know all about guys who have that kind of problem. It’s okay and perfectly natural.
Jon: Shut up. See. This is why the TV show replaced you with that stupid Olly kid.
Satin: Oh. There is no Olly in the books?
Jon: Nope. He's sort of a merger of you and a couple other characters.
The Thenns continue their raid and a bunch of buildings are set on fire. The Thenns start to attack the keep when Jon realizes they are running out of arrows.
Jon: I need to get some more arrows! Watch this area here, Satin.
But as Jon goes to get arrows, a trap door to the parapet of the King’s Tower opens and wildlings begin to burst though.
Jon pulls out Longclaw and stabs the first one to pop out from the door.
Satin: Oh man. They’re going to get up here! I wish we had one of those hot pots of boiling oil to pour on raiders coming after us from below! You know… like they have in EVERY medieval fantasy series and movie. But then again, I assume that would be a bit cliché and derivative or something like that. GRRM probably wouldn’t go for such lazy writing in a “storming the castle” scene, would he?
Jon: Uhh… actually, there is a pot of boiling oil right there, Satin.
Satin: Ah. I see.
They tip over the pot of boiling oil through the trap door and scald all the Thenn raiders trying to get up to death.
Thenns: AGHHH!!!!!! HOT BOILING OIL!!!! WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!
Jon: Yes. I suppose you should have.
They then throw the heavy, but now empty, pot on top of the trap door so it can’t be reopened from below. Jon grabs some more arrows and then rejoins the battle.
Jon: Oh no! Now look! Our brothers are being overwhelmed by the raiders! I think the gate is almost lost.
But there is nothing they can do but shoot. So they keep shooting their arrows and killing whoever they can. Jon sees the Magnar yelling orders to his men in the chaos at the bottom of some steps to the gate. He lights an arrow on fire and points it… but not towards the Magnar… he points it at the steps.
The flaming arrow reaches the steps and they immediately catch on fire.
Magnar: HEY! WHAT THE--?! OH! Why it looks like someone hid a whole bunch of oil and tinder under the steps here! Why would anyone do that? That seems like a pretty dangerous place to keep… oh… oh wait… I get it now.
He and his Thenns begin to run up the steps, since the steps below them are on fire.
Then the Night’s Watch send flaming arrows to the steps ABOVE the Magnar and his men. They catch on fire too, as oily rags, tinder and CSL Brand Chimney logs have also been placed there.
Magnar of Thenn: Hrm. The steps are on fire BELOW us and ABOVE us. That’s not good. Well, I suppose that puts us in quite the perdicam—AGHHHH!!!!!! AGGHH!!!! WELL I SUPPOSE THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING SMASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER! AGHHH!!!
He and his men start burning to death and the steps break apart and collapse, sending him to his fiery grave below.
Jon: SCORE! That was awesome. Although I guess killing him with a hammer could also have been cool.
The battle is pretty much won after that. As the smoke and fires begin to settle down, Jon decides to go around and check out all the dead Wildling bodies.
Jon: Boy, I sure hope Ygritte wasn’t here!
Jon then sees Ygritte laying on the ground, with an arrow in her chest.
Jon: DAMNIT!
Ygritte: *cough*cough* Oh… hi there, asshole.
Jon: YGRITTE! YOU’RE STILL ALIVE! I--I’m going to get you medical attention! You’ll be better! I swear!
Ygritte: *cough*cough* We should have never left that sex cave.
Jon: Yeah, I know. Right? It was pretty good. But you’ll be okay! I promise you!
Ygritte: *cough* You… know… nothing… J--ugghhh…
She dies.
Jon: Juuugghhh what? WHAT WAS SHE GOING TO SAY? JUGHEAD? Was she going to start talking about Jughead from that Archie TV show on the CW?
Satin: You mean “Riverdale?”
Jon: Yeah, I guess that’s the name of it. Whatever. I’ve never really watched it though. That chick on it is hot.
Satin: Which chick?
Jon: The brunette.
Satin: That’s Veronica. She’s played by Camila Mendes.
Jon: Whatever. She’s hot.
Satin: I thought you had a thing for redheads or something.
Jon: Eh. I guess I could go for a brunette as well.
Satin: What about a platinum blonde?
Jon: I’m not sure.
Satin: What if the platinum blonde was your aunt?
Jon: Eww. Gross. No! I would never sleep with an aunt.
Satin: What if your aunt looked like this?
Satin pulls out his iPhone and shows Jon Snow a picture of Emilia Clarke.
Jon: Then yes.
Aemon: Hey! That’s my great, great niece you’re talking about there.
Jon: Oh, sorry
Aemon: Nah, it’s okay. I forgive you since you’re my great, great, great nephew.
Jon: Huh?
Jon: Well, it’s a good thing all those whores aren’t on fire! Since I rode back here on my horse and warned everyone that the Wildlings were attacking from the South, now we’re all prepared to fight. We even had time to warn the residents of Mole’s Town. Now many of them have taken refuge here at Castle Black.
Donal Noye: Okay, that’s a lot of great plot exposition there dropped into a paragraph to help move the plot forward. Good. I’ll try to help out with that too. Jon, even though you’re still injured pretty bad, I will reluctantly agree to assign you to fight with the archers up on the King’s Tower. Hey, our options are pretty limited here. So we’ll have to fight even though you’re injured and half the Night’s Watch think you’re a traitor and don’t believe that “the Halfhand sent me on a secret mission to infiltrate the Wildlings” story.
Jon: Great! I think an awesome battle is about to begin. I hope Ygritte doesn’t take part in the fighting.
Noye: Who is Ygritte?
Jon: Uh. Never mind. I meant for that to be an internal thought. Anyway… any response to those birds we went out, asking for help?
Noye: No. And even if anyone did respond--which they won’t--no way would they make it here in time.
They wait several days, anticipating the Wildling attack from the south at any minute. Finally, one night it begins and the Wildlings start attacking.
Jon: There they are! Let’s start shooting!
Satin: OKAY!
Jon: Wait… who the hell is Satin?
Satin: I’m a pretty, effeminate boy whore that’s now in the Night’s Watch.
Jon: Oh. Did you just come from Mole’s Town?
Satin: No. I was a prisoner in Gulltown. But I think I’m supposed to have come from Oldtown or something. I was actually brought here before the great ranging and—
Jon: --Boring. I already don’t care. Just shoot Wildlings with arrows.
Satin: Fair enough.
Jon and Satin start shooting their arrows at Wildlings. Jon feels SORT OF messed up that he has to kill these guys who he used to travel with. But then again he always knew it would come to this, which is why he tried to not befriend any of them. Especially the guys who were with the Magnar of Thenn. Fuck those guys! He’s specifically looking for The Magnar so that he can shoot him.
Jon sees someone with long, red hair run by. He aims his arrow, but can’t shoot.
Jon: I… I just can’t. Maybe it’s Ygritte!
Satin: Aww… can’t “shoot your arrow,” huh Jon? As a boy whore, I know all about guys who have that kind of problem. It’s okay and perfectly natural.
Jon: Shut up. See. This is why the TV show replaced you with that stupid Olly kid.
Satin: Oh. There is no Olly in the books?
Jon: Nope. He's sort of a merger of you and a couple other characters.
The Thenns continue their raid and a bunch of buildings are set on fire. The Thenns start to attack the keep when Jon realizes they are running out of arrows.
Jon: I need to get some more arrows! Watch this area here, Satin.
But as Jon goes to get arrows, a trap door to the parapet of the King’s Tower opens and wildlings begin to burst though.
Jon pulls out Longclaw and stabs the first one to pop out from the door.
Satin: Oh man. They’re going to get up here! I wish we had one of those hot pots of boiling oil to pour on raiders coming after us from below! You know… like they have in EVERY medieval fantasy series and movie. But then again, I assume that would be a bit cliché and derivative or something like that. GRRM probably wouldn’t go for such lazy writing in a “storming the castle” scene, would he?
Jon: Uhh… actually, there is a pot of boiling oil right there, Satin.
Satin: Ah. I see.
They tip over the pot of boiling oil through the trap door and scald all the Thenn raiders trying to get up to death.
Thenns: AGHHH!!!!!! HOT BOILING OIL!!!! WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!
Jon: Yes. I suppose you should have.
They then throw the heavy, but now empty, pot on top of the trap door so it can’t be reopened from below. Jon grabs some more arrows and then rejoins the battle.
Jon: Oh no! Now look! Our brothers are being overwhelmed by the raiders! I think the gate is almost lost.
But there is nothing they can do but shoot. So they keep shooting their arrows and killing whoever they can. Jon sees the Magnar yelling orders to his men in the chaos at the bottom of some steps to the gate. He lights an arrow on fire and points it… but not towards the Magnar… he points it at the steps.
The flaming arrow reaches the steps and they immediately catch on fire.
Magnar: HEY! WHAT THE--?! OH! Why it looks like someone hid a whole bunch of oil and tinder under the steps here! Why would anyone do that? That seems like a pretty dangerous place to keep… oh… oh wait… I get it now.
He and his Thenns begin to run up the steps, since the steps below them are on fire.
Then the Night’s Watch send flaming arrows to the steps ABOVE the Magnar and his men. They catch on fire too, as oily rags, tinder and CSL Brand Chimney logs have also been placed there.
Magnar of Thenn: Hrm. The steps are on fire BELOW us and ABOVE us. That’s not good. Well, I suppose that puts us in quite the perdicam—AGHHHH!!!!!! AGGHH!!!! WELL I SUPPOSE THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING SMASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER! AGHHH!!!
He and his men start burning to death and the steps break apart and collapse, sending him to his fiery grave below.
Jon: SCORE! That was awesome. Although I guess killing him with a hammer could also have been cool.
The battle is pretty much won after that. As the smoke and fires begin to settle down, Jon decides to go around and check out all the dead Wildling bodies.
Jon: Boy, I sure hope Ygritte wasn’t here!
Jon then sees Ygritte laying on the ground, with an arrow in her chest.
Jon: DAMNIT!
Ygritte: *cough*cough* Oh… hi there, asshole.
Jon: YGRITTE! YOU’RE STILL ALIVE! I--I’m going to get you medical attention! You’ll be better! I swear!
Ygritte: *cough*cough* We should have never left that sex cave.
Jon: Yeah, I know. Right? It was pretty good. But you’ll be okay! I promise you!
Ygritte: *cough* You… know… nothing… J--ugghhh…
She dies.
Jon: Juuugghhh what? WHAT WAS SHE GOING TO SAY? JUGHEAD? Was she going to start talking about Jughead from that Archie TV show on the CW?
Satin: You mean “Riverdale?”
Jon: Yeah, I guess that’s the name of it. Whatever. I’ve never really watched it though. That chick on it is hot.
Satin: Which chick?
Jon: The brunette.
Satin: That’s Veronica. She’s played by Camila Mendes.
Jon: Whatever. She’s hot.
Satin: I thought you had a thing for redheads or something.
Jon: Eh. I guess I could go for a brunette as well.
Satin: What about a platinum blonde?
Jon: I’m not sure.
Satin: What if the platinum blonde was your aunt?
Jon: Eww. Gross. No! I would never sleep with an aunt.
Satin: What if your aunt looked like this?
Satin pulls out his iPhone and shows Jon Snow a picture of Emilia Clarke.
Jon: Then yes.
Aemon: Hey! That’s my great, great niece you’re talking about there.
Jon: Oh, sorry
Aemon: Nah, it’s okay. I forgive you since you’re my great, great, great nephew.
Jon: Huh?
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