Cat is deeply concerned by the flooded river.
Cat: Why... you can't even ford the river! We're going to have to caulk the wagon and flo--
Robb: --STOP!
Cat: Son... now that we're approaching the Twins, you've got to remember to not let Lord Frey provoke you. And also... ASK FOR BREAD AND SALT. You need to remember to ask for food so that you have guest rights!
Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know mom. I'll be nice. He can piss in my wine and I'll drink it and say it's delicious. And of course I'll ask for food. Not that I need to be protected by guest rights. I have an ARMY to protect me!
Cat: I.. uh... I guess.
Finally, they reach the gates to be let in.Ser Ryman Frey comes out to meet them with his three sons.
Ryman: You're LATE.
Robb: My deepest apologies, Ser Frey. As you've probably noticed... there was a pretty damn big storm. It delayed us.
Grey Wind: *SNARL* [Translation: Oh, I'm going to kill this dude!]
Robb: Grey Wind, what's wrong?!
The dirwolf continues to snarl and act agitated around Ryman Frey.
Ryman: WHAT THE HELL?! You break off your deal to marry a Frey... you show up several days late to this Wedding... and now you have your wolf snarl and threaten me!
Robb: I... I... I'M SO SORRY! He doesn't usually act like this. Grey Wind! Grey Wind! Calm down boy!
But Grey Wind won't stop.
Robb: I repeat my apologies, man. Grey Wind is usually such a good and well-behaved wolf. He only acts like this when he USES HIS SUPERNATURAL SENSES TO DETERMINE THAT I AM IN IMMEDIATE DANGER.
Ryman: Oh... uhm... *whistles and sweats nervously*
Robb: Here, Ser Rayland Westerling... stay outside here with Grey Wind. We obviously can't bring him in to see Lord Frey if he's going to act like this!
Rayland: Yes, my King. I will make sure that your wolf, which regularly shows supernatural abilities to detect danger and to protect you, is no longer with you as you enter Lord Frey's hall.
Ryman: You know we don't have room for all your soliders either. They better wait outside too.
Robb: Right. Good call.
Ryman: Ah, good. Come right this way then.
Robb and the party are led into the great hall, where Lord Frey is waiting.
Walder Frey: Well, well, well. Look at Mr. Fancypants King who is SO FUCKING LATE.
Robb: My apologies, Lord Frey. It was the rain, you know.
Walder: And what's with that fucking crown you're wearing? It looks like a piece of shit.
Robb: This is based on the design that the Kings in the North used to wear back in the day. We don't need no fancy crown.
Walder: Whatever. Now I want you to apologize to every one of my daughters and grandaughters that you could have married for breaking your vow to them.
Walder claps his hands and a bunch of women are paraded out. Athough some of them might be 6 or 7 out of 10... most are like 3 or 4. Some of them are just little girls too.
One by one, Robb apologizes to all of them for not marrying them. I won't go into any more detail. Walder Frey can't even tell them apart... so why should I?
Robb: Sorry-Not Sorry.
Walder: Good, good. So which one of you assholes is Ser Edmure? Oh... I guess it's "Lord" Edmure now that your stupid-ass father died, huh?
Edmure: It is I, Lord Frey.
Walder: Well. I think it's time for you to meet your wife then now too, huh?
Edmure: Yeah. I'm obviously a bit worried, you know. Since all these girls are pretty ugly.
Walder: Heh. Right, right. So here you go!
Edmure’s betrothed, Roslin, is brought into the room.
She's a knockout. 10 out of 10. Hot as can be!
Edmure: HOLY SHIT! I mean... uhhhhhh... ermm... pleased to meet you, m'am.
Cat: *smacks lips* Her hips aren't wide enough for good child birthing.
Robb: Jesus mom, you're so obsessed with the hip size of women.
Walder: Well, you giant fuckfaces. I bet you must be tired from your journey, right? You'll probably want to get some rooms and rest for a bit, huh? If there is no other business...?
Robb: No, that's all. We're good wi--
Cat: ---Ahhhh, actually. If I may butt in. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm very HUNGRY from the road and would like some BREAD and SALT.
Robb: Oh yeah. Right. That.
Walder: Hahaha. You guys and you're fucking bread and salt.
Robb: ...
Cat: ... So are you going to give it to us, or what?
Walder: Yeah, sure. And some wine too! Yes! Have some wine. YES. THE RED WILL RUN. OH YEAH, THE RED WILL RUN.
He serves them food and wine
Cat: Whew! Dodged a bullet there! Now it's IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO KILL US because we ate bread.
Robb: Indeed. See? I don't know why you were so worried. Although that "the red will run" shit was a bit odd. Still. We're in the clear now!
And so the wedding ceremony then goes off without a hitch, and Robb rides north of the Twins afterwards to continue the war.
No.
Just kidding.
They head to their bed chambers. Cat is surprised to see the rooms are so nice for them.
Cat: This is odd. Sure, Walder was sort of a dick. But he was actually less dickish than usual. Polite, you could almost say. For him. Yeah, he called us "giant fuckfaces" and made Robb do some embarrassing apologies. But that was, like, nothing. I sort of expected Roslin Frey to be ugly and for these rooms to be prison chambers. It's like he's going out of his way to be nice. SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Edmure: Well, I'm super glad he didn't give me an ugly wife. I wonder why.
Cat: Maybe she's his favoite. Or maybe he wants to... you know... actually make a good match. Your children with her will be the heirs to Riverrun, after all.
Edmure: If we can even have children. Maybe that's it! Maybe she's barren! And if I don't have kids, the Tully line will die off. Maybe that's it!
Cat: Hrm. I did notice that she had SUSPICIOUSLY NON-WIDE HIPS! But no... if he wants is descendants to inherit Riverrun, then that would work against him.
Later, Cat goes back to the main hall.
Cat: Oh hey! You! Is Ser Perwyn Frey here? You know we used to travel together. He was one of my buddies when we went to meet King Renly together to propose an alliance.
Lame Lothar Frey: Ah, alas no. He's away on important business elsewhere. He won't be here.
Cat: Hrm. Walder Frey being overly nice to us. Grey Wind acting weird. My only Frey friend isn't even here. This all seems a bit odd.
Lothar: *blinks and smiles*
Cat: Do you have a maester I can talk to or anything? It's a personal issue between me and the gods.
Lothar: Yes, it's best to make peace now.
Cat: What was that?
Lothar: Uhh... uhh.... nothing. I mean he's upstairs and to the left. His name is Brenett.
Cat goes to see Brenett to discuss the most important matter of business she has on her mind with a religious official at this time.
Cat: So do you think Roslin Frey's hips are wide enough for child birthin'?
Brenett: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THIS WIDE HIPS THING?!
Cat: I'm just--
Brenett: --Look... her mom looked just like her with the small hips. And she had five children. It will be fine.
Cat: *whew*
Later yet again, Cat goes to meet up with her son. And when she gets to him, she finds him with...
Cat: LORD BOLTON!
Roose Bolton: Oh, hey Cat. Whattup?
Cat: I'm glad to see you made it.
Bolton: Not easily. There was the rain, of course. And the Mountain's forces attacked my men as we were crossing. They killed many and captured Ser Wylis Manderly. Hahaha... that Wylis Manderly! Always getting captured! This is like the SECOND time that happened. But my men prevented the Mountain's forces from crossing too.
Robb: Mother, Lord Bolton was just telling me news from the North.
Bolton: Yeah, I was. My bastard son, Ramsey, took some of the survivors of Winterfell back to the Dreadfort.
Cat: Have you heard anything about Theon Greyjoy? Is he dead?
Bolton: Dead? Hahaha. No. Check this out.
Bolton hands Cat a flayed stretch of human skin.
Cat: Oh, fucking gross. And yet I'm also kind of sadistic and that makes me happy.
Bolton: Yeah, he's a pretty sick motherfucker, my bastard son. This is some of Theon's skin. My son has him as a hostage. He is the heir to the Iron Isles, after all. He's worth more as a hostage alive than he is dead.
Robb: He murdered my brothers! He should be dead!
Bolton: Well... like I said.
Cat: Gosh, it sucks that Manderly got caught again. You know, since the Manderlys were one of the only houses with Lord Bolton's forces that have been thoroughly loyal to the Starks throughout history.
Bolton: Yes. Very odd how that happened. Very odd how Manderly got left behind. I mean... uhh... "caught."
Cat: So... just to keep a running list here... 1) weather itself is trying to prevent us from getting here; 2) Grey Wind, who has supernatural powers, is acting very agitated by the Freys; 3) Grey Wind and most of Robb's army are being left outside so he can't be protected; 4) the Freys usually always insult us but are acting suspiciously nice to us for some reason; 5) the only Frey who is actually one of my friends is not here; and 6) the forces marching with Bolton left behind all of the houses that were super loyal to the Starks.
Robb: Manderly caught? This sucks! We're losing all these battles. Not any more though, am I right? Not that you're with me now, Lord Bolton!
Bolton: Indeed.
Cat: Why... you can't even ford the river! We're going to have to caulk the wagon and flo--
Robb: --STOP!
Cat: Son... now that we're approaching the Twins, you've got to remember to not let Lord Frey provoke you. And also... ASK FOR BREAD AND SALT. You need to remember to ask for food so that you have guest rights!
Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know mom. I'll be nice. He can piss in my wine and I'll drink it and say it's delicious. And of course I'll ask for food. Not that I need to be protected by guest rights. I have an ARMY to protect me!
Cat: I.. uh... I guess.
Finally, they reach the gates to be let in.Ser Ryman Frey comes out to meet them with his three sons.
Ryman: You're LATE.
Robb: My deepest apologies, Ser Frey. As you've probably noticed... there was a pretty damn big storm. It delayed us.
Grey Wind: *SNARL* [Translation: Oh, I'm going to kill this dude!]
Robb: Grey Wind, what's wrong?!
The dirwolf continues to snarl and act agitated around Ryman Frey.
Ryman: WHAT THE HELL?! You break off your deal to marry a Frey... you show up several days late to this Wedding... and now you have your wolf snarl and threaten me!
Robb: I... I... I'M SO SORRY! He doesn't usually act like this. Grey Wind! Grey Wind! Calm down boy!
But Grey Wind won't stop.
Robb: I repeat my apologies, man. Grey Wind is usually such a good and well-behaved wolf. He only acts like this when he USES HIS SUPERNATURAL SENSES TO DETERMINE THAT I AM IN IMMEDIATE DANGER.
Ryman: Oh... uhm... *whistles and sweats nervously*
Robb: Here, Ser Rayland Westerling... stay outside here with Grey Wind. We obviously can't bring him in to see Lord Frey if he's going to act like this!
Rayland: Yes, my King. I will make sure that your wolf, which regularly shows supernatural abilities to detect danger and to protect you, is no longer with you as you enter Lord Frey's hall.
Ryman: You know we don't have room for all your soliders either. They better wait outside too.
Robb: Right. Good call.
Ryman: Ah, good. Come right this way then.
Robb and the party are led into the great hall, where Lord Frey is waiting.
Walder Frey: Well, well, well. Look at Mr. Fancypants King who is SO FUCKING LATE.
Robb: My apologies, Lord Frey. It was the rain, you know.
Walder: And what's with that fucking crown you're wearing? It looks like a piece of shit.
Robb: This is based on the design that the Kings in the North used to wear back in the day. We don't need no fancy crown.
Walder: Whatever. Now I want you to apologize to every one of my daughters and grandaughters that you could have married for breaking your vow to them.
Walder claps his hands and a bunch of women are paraded out. Athough some of them might be 6 or 7 out of 10... most are like 3 or 4. Some of them are just little girls too.
One by one, Robb apologizes to all of them for not marrying them. I won't go into any more detail. Walder Frey can't even tell them apart... so why should I?
Robb: Sorry-Not Sorry.
Walder: Good, good. So which one of you assholes is Ser Edmure? Oh... I guess it's "Lord" Edmure now that your stupid-ass father died, huh?
Edmure: It is I, Lord Frey.
Walder: Well. I think it's time for you to meet your wife then now too, huh?
Edmure: Yeah. I'm obviously a bit worried, you know. Since all these girls are pretty ugly.
Walder: Heh. Right, right. So here you go!
Edmure’s betrothed, Roslin, is brought into the room.
She's a knockout. 10 out of 10. Hot as can be!
Edmure: HOLY SHIT! I mean... uhhhhhh... ermm... pleased to meet you, m'am.
Cat: *smacks lips* Her hips aren't wide enough for good child birthing.
Robb: Jesus mom, you're so obsessed with the hip size of women.
Walder: Well, you giant fuckfaces. I bet you must be tired from your journey, right? You'll probably want to get some rooms and rest for a bit, huh? If there is no other business...?
Robb: No, that's all. We're good wi--
Cat: ---Ahhhh, actually. If I may butt in. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm very HUNGRY from the road and would like some BREAD and SALT.
Robb: Oh yeah. Right. That.
Walder: Hahaha. You guys and you're fucking bread and salt.
Robb: ...
Cat: ... So are you going to give it to us, or what?
Walder: Yeah, sure. And some wine too! Yes! Have some wine. YES. THE RED WILL RUN. OH YEAH, THE RED WILL RUN.
He serves them food and wine
Cat: Whew! Dodged a bullet there! Now it's IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO KILL US because we ate bread.
Robb: Indeed. See? I don't know why you were so worried. Although that "the red will run" shit was a bit odd. Still. We're in the clear now!
And so the wedding ceremony then goes off without a hitch, and Robb rides north of the Twins afterwards to continue the war.
No.
Just kidding.
They head to their bed chambers. Cat is surprised to see the rooms are so nice for them.
Cat: This is odd. Sure, Walder was sort of a dick. But he was actually less dickish than usual. Polite, you could almost say. For him. Yeah, he called us "giant fuckfaces" and made Robb do some embarrassing apologies. But that was, like, nothing. I sort of expected Roslin Frey to be ugly and for these rooms to be prison chambers. It's like he's going out of his way to be nice. SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Edmure: Well, I'm super glad he didn't give me an ugly wife. I wonder why.
Cat: Maybe she's his favoite. Or maybe he wants to... you know... actually make a good match. Your children with her will be the heirs to Riverrun, after all.
Edmure: If we can even have children. Maybe that's it! Maybe she's barren! And if I don't have kids, the Tully line will die off. Maybe that's it!
Cat: Hrm. I did notice that she had SUSPICIOUSLY NON-WIDE HIPS! But no... if he wants is descendants to inherit Riverrun, then that would work against him.
Later, Cat goes back to the main hall.
Cat: Oh hey! You! Is Ser Perwyn Frey here? You know we used to travel together. He was one of my buddies when we went to meet King Renly together to propose an alliance.
Lame Lothar Frey: Ah, alas no. He's away on important business elsewhere. He won't be here.
Cat: Hrm. Walder Frey being overly nice to us. Grey Wind acting weird. My only Frey friend isn't even here. This all seems a bit odd.
Lothar: *blinks and smiles*
Cat: Do you have a maester I can talk to or anything? It's a personal issue between me and the gods.
Lothar: Yes, it's best to make peace now.
Cat: What was that?
Lothar: Uhh... uhh.... nothing. I mean he's upstairs and to the left. His name is Brenett.
Cat goes to see Brenett to discuss the most important matter of business she has on her mind with a religious official at this time.
Cat: So do you think Roslin Frey's hips are wide enough for child birthin'?
Brenett: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THIS WIDE HIPS THING?!
Cat: I'm just--
Brenett: --Look... her mom looked just like her with the small hips. And she had five children. It will be fine.
Cat: *whew*
Later yet again, Cat goes to meet up with her son. And when she gets to him, she finds him with...
Cat: LORD BOLTON!
Roose Bolton: Oh, hey Cat. Whattup?
Cat: I'm glad to see you made it.
Bolton: Not easily. There was the rain, of course. And the Mountain's forces attacked my men as we were crossing. They killed many and captured Ser Wylis Manderly. Hahaha... that Wylis Manderly! Always getting captured! This is like the SECOND time that happened. But my men prevented the Mountain's forces from crossing too.
Robb: Mother, Lord Bolton was just telling me news from the North.
Bolton: Yeah, I was. My bastard son, Ramsey, took some of the survivors of Winterfell back to the Dreadfort.
Cat: Have you heard anything about Theon Greyjoy? Is he dead?
Bolton: Dead? Hahaha. No. Check this out.
Bolton hands Cat a flayed stretch of human skin.
Cat: Oh, fucking gross. And yet I'm also kind of sadistic and that makes me happy.
Bolton: Yeah, he's a pretty sick motherfucker, my bastard son. This is some of Theon's skin. My son has him as a hostage. He is the heir to the Iron Isles, after all. He's worth more as a hostage alive than he is dead.
Robb: He murdered my brothers! He should be dead!
Bolton: Well... like I said.
Cat: Gosh, it sucks that Manderly got caught again. You know, since the Manderlys were one of the only houses with Lord Bolton's forces that have been thoroughly loyal to the Starks throughout history.
Bolton: Yes. Very odd how that happened. Very odd how Manderly got left behind. I mean... uhh... "caught."
Cat: So... just to keep a running list here... 1) weather itself is trying to prevent us from getting here; 2) Grey Wind, who has supernatural powers, is acting very agitated by the Freys; 3) Grey Wind and most of Robb's army are being left outside so he can't be protected; 4) the Freys usually always insult us but are acting suspiciously nice to us for some reason; 5) the only Frey who is actually one of my friends is not here; and 6) the forces marching with Bolton left behind all of the houses that were super loyal to the Starks.
Robb: Manderly caught? This sucks! We're losing all these battles. Not any more though, am I right? Not that you're with me now, Lord Bolton!
Bolton: Indeed.
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