Sam and Gilly arrive at a deserted wildling village.
Sam: Wait… desserted? Does that mean full of dessert! I’m so cold and hungry!
No, deserted! One s!
Sam: Oh. I hope this is Whitetree. I looked at the map and I was trying to get to Whitetree! But I don’t know! I’m pretty incompetent and worthless. I think we could be lost. And I’m running out of food!
Sam prays to the old gods for help, which is totally like Madonna pretending to be all into Kaballah and shit. These aren’t even Sam’s gods. He’s from fucking Horn Hill in the south!
After the prayer, Sam goes into an abandoned great hall of one of the buildings, which is as close as they can get to somewhere covered and warm. They set up a fire.
Sam: I can’t wait to get to Castle Black! There will be so much food and warmth there. And singing! Some of the singing is pretty terrible though. Our best singer, Daereon, got sent to another castle. But you don’t need to worry about that until the next book, I suppose. Pyp sings too. He’s just okay.
Gilly: Can you sing? Sing me a song, Sam!
Sam: All I know is Misfits songs from the album Walk Among Us. What do you want to hear? Nike-A-Go-Go? Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight? Astro Zombies?
Gilly: You know what… on second thought, I’m going to take a hard pass on you singing.
Sam: I used to sing as a kid, but then my father would beat me and tell me that it was effeminate to sing. He wasn’t a really supportive father, if you know what I mean. I bet if I told him that I killed one of the Others he wouldn’t believe me.
Sam goes to sleep that night and has a dream that he’s back at Horn Hill. Like Jaime Lannister's recent dream, let's go ahead and say this is not important and space-filler.
Sam: HEY!
Gilly: Is it just me or did it get super cold in here?
Sam: Well, your nipples are pretty hard. I mean... uhh... not that I was staring at them or anything, but--
Small Paul: --Oh, hey guys!
Sam: Oh hey Small Paul, how's it go--waaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute! Didn't you die a few chapters ago?
Small Paul: *nervous ice sweat*
Sam: AGHHHH!!! YOU'RE A WIGHT!
Small Paul: I prefer "Caucasian," but whatever.
Sam pees himself and tries to run away.
Sam: The horse! The horse! Quick Gilly! Get up on the horse with your baby! AGHHH! CRAP! Where did I put that dragonglass dagger?!
Sam looks all around for the dagger but can't find it. Sam makes all sorts of loud noise, trying to get Small Paul to pay attention to him and not to Gilly as she tries to get up on the horse.
Horse: Nay. [Translation: No]
The horse panics and starts running around. This gets Small Paul's attention, and now Paul starts to head over to Gilly.
Gilly: AGHH!! Protect me, Sam!
Sam: I mean you're probably braver and stronger than me, do shouldn't you be protecting me? I mean I... oh wait... here's the dagger. FOUND IT!
He runs at Small Paul and stabs him.
Right in the chain mail.
The knife shatters into pieces.
Sam: CRAP! Do does dragonglass kill wights as well as Others or not? The fact that I broke it on the chain mail means that the answer to this question has been conveniently dodged... for now!
Small Paul turns around and begins to strangle Sam.
Small Paul: ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A PET RAVEN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
Sam: Wait... didn't the narrator say that I set up a fire earlier?
I did.
Sam reaches for the fire and grabs a brand. He shoves it into Small Paul and sets him afire.
Small Paul: AGHHH!!! DAMNIT!
Sam: Come on... we got to get that horse calm and get going!
They run out and try to get the horse... but soon they see they are surrounded by a bunch of other wights... all brothers of the Night's Watch that died at the fist and other places.
Undead Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWW! It's me, Chett! I'm back! Here to run moonshine across the Hazzard County line! I hope ol' Roscoe P. Coltrane doesn't stop me with his dog, ol' Velvet Ears!
Sam: Oh shit... Chett?!
Chett: I just want to point out that while I am dead now, I technically survived the end of the Prologue Chapter of this book. I am the first POV character in the Jingle of Ice and Fire to survive the events of his own prologue.
Sam: Well, I mean... you barely survived it.
Chett: NO WAY! This is chapter 46! I survived a long time!
Sam: I mean... Chapter 46 is the chapter where we first have definitive proof that you are dead. But you died a long time before this. You appeared in one of my previous chapters as well, but that was in a flashback to the events that happen immediately after your POV prologue. While it is technically true that you survived your prologue, chances are you only survived for about five minutes.
Chett: SCREW YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'm gonna jump the General Lee over a river and land it on you, boy!
And just as Chett (and the other undead characters, who cares who they are) begin to attack Sam, a bunch of ravens come down from the trees and start attacking the wights.
Chett: AGHHH!!! RAVENS!
They start pecking out the wights' eyeballs and stuff. It's crazy.
Raven: GO! GO!
Sam: You know, I think it's really cool how sometimes ravens make sounds that sound just like human words. It's fun to think they actually understand English and are speaking with me. Alas, I know they just mimic human sounds that they hear without really understanding.
Raven: NO, YOU FUCKING IDOT! I SAID "GO!" SO GO!
Sam: Oh... oh, right.
Sam grabs Gilly, who is holding on to the baby, and they begin running. But the ravens won't stop the wights forever. They need to find some way to get out of here... and FAST!
And just then... Sam sees a conveniently timed horseman in the distance. And by "Horseman," I mean "Elkman."
Sam: What the heck?! Who rides an ELK?
The Elkman is wearing all black, with a cloak that hides his face - the color of the Watch! He steers his elk towards them and comes over.
Mystery Rider: BROTHER! Here, let me help you.
He holds his hands out to help Sam and Gilly get up on the elk so they can flee.
Sam: Oh thanks! You're just in time to save us! What a stroke of good luck. I'm so glad that... uhm... holy shit, man. Your hand is kind of black and cold.
Mystery Rider: Yeah, well. They call me "Cold Hands."
Sam: OH SHIT! Are you a Wight too?
Cold Hands: Maybe. Maybe not. But if I am, I'm only... like... half-wight. Like Mariah Carey.
Sam: So just go ahead and tell the truth... you're fucking Benjen Stark, aren't you?
Cold Hands: GRRM has repeated on several occasions that to NOT be the case.
Sam: But he's lying, right? Because remember how I was introduced later in A Game of Thrones after you had already left? I could have easily have been one of the other new recruits to the Watch that arrived with Jon, but that would have meant I would have seen your face and known who you were. I was really only introduced later--after you already leave on your ranging mission to never return--so that I wouldn't be able to recognize you here in this chapter, right?
Cold Hands: I mean... uhh... that's a possibility.
Sam: You're fucking Benjen, man. Don't even play around.
Sam: Wait… desserted? Does that mean full of dessert! I’m so cold and hungry!
No, deserted! One s!
Sam: Oh. I hope this is Whitetree. I looked at the map and I was trying to get to Whitetree! But I don’t know! I’m pretty incompetent and worthless. I think we could be lost. And I’m running out of food!
Sam prays to the old gods for help, which is totally like Madonna pretending to be all into Kaballah and shit. These aren’t even Sam’s gods. He’s from fucking Horn Hill in the south!
After the prayer, Sam goes into an abandoned great hall of one of the buildings, which is as close as they can get to somewhere covered and warm. They set up a fire.
Sam: I can’t wait to get to Castle Black! There will be so much food and warmth there. And singing! Some of the singing is pretty terrible though. Our best singer, Daereon, got sent to another castle. But you don’t need to worry about that until the next book, I suppose. Pyp sings too. He’s just okay.
Gilly: Can you sing? Sing me a song, Sam!
Sam: All I know is Misfits songs from the album Walk Among Us. What do you want to hear? Nike-A-Go-Go? Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight? Astro Zombies?
Gilly: You know what… on second thought, I’m going to take a hard pass on you singing.
Sam: I used to sing as a kid, but then my father would beat me and tell me that it was effeminate to sing. He wasn’t a really supportive father, if you know what I mean. I bet if I told him that I killed one of the Others he wouldn’t believe me.
Sam goes to sleep that night and has a dream that he’s back at Horn Hill. Like Jaime Lannister's recent dream, let's go ahead and say this is not important and space-filler.
Sam: HEY!
Gilly: Is it just me or did it get super cold in here?
Sam: Well, your nipples are pretty hard. I mean... uhh... not that I was staring at them or anything, but--
Small Paul: --Oh, hey guys!
Sam: Oh hey Small Paul, how's it go--waaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute! Didn't you die a few chapters ago?
Small Paul: *nervous ice sweat*
Sam: AGHHHH!!! YOU'RE A WIGHT!
Small Paul: I prefer "Caucasian," but whatever.
Sam pees himself and tries to run away.
Sam: The horse! The horse! Quick Gilly! Get up on the horse with your baby! AGHHH! CRAP! Where did I put that dragonglass dagger?!
Sam looks all around for the dagger but can't find it. Sam makes all sorts of loud noise, trying to get Small Paul to pay attention to him and not to Gilly as she tries to get up on the horse.
Horse: Nay. [Translation: No]
The horse panics and starts running around. This gets Small Paul's attention, and now Paul starts to head over to Gilly.
Gilly: AGHH!! Protect me, Sam!
Sam: I mean you're probably braver and stronger than me, do shouldn't you be protecting me? I mean I... oh wait... here's the dagger. FOUND IT!
He runs at Small Paul and stabs him.
Right in the chain mail.
The knife shatters into pieces.
Sam: CRAP! Do does dragonglass kill wights as well as Others or not? The fact that I broke it on the chain mail means that the answer to this question has been conveniently dodged... for now!
Small Paul turns around and begins to strangle Sam.
Small Paul: ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A PET RAVEN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
Sam: Wait... didn't the narrator say that I set up a fire earlier?
I did.
Sam reaches for the fire and grabs a brand. He shoves it into Small Paul and sets him afire.
Small Paul: AGHHH!!! DAMNIT!
Sam: Come on... we got to get that horse calm and get going!
They run out and try to get the horse... but soon they see they are surrounded by a bunch of other wights... all brothers of the Night's Watch that died at the fist and other places.
Undead Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWW! It's me, Chett! I'm back! Here to run moonshine across the Hazzard County line! I hope ol' Roscoe P. Coltrane doesn't stop me with his dog, ol' Velvet Ears!
Sam: Oh shit... Chett?!
Chett: I just want to point out that while I am dead now, I technically survived the end of the Prologue Chapter of this book. I am the first POV character in the Jingle of Ice and Fire to survive the events of his own prologue.
Sam: Well, I mean... you barely survived it.
Chett: NO WAY! This is chapter 46! I survived a long time!
Sam: I mean... Chapter 46 is the chapter where we first have definitive proof that you are dead. But you died a long time before this. You appeared in one of my previous chapters as well, but that was in a flashback to the events that happen immediately after your POV prologue. While it is technically true that you survived your prologue, chances are you only survived for about five minutes.
Chett: SCREW YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'm gonna jump the General Lee over a river and land it on you, boy!
And just as Chett (and the other undead characters, who cares who they are) begin to attack Sam, a bunch of ravens come down from the trees and start attacking the wights.
Chett: AGHHH!!! RAVENS!
They start pecking out the wights' eyeballs and stuff. It's crazy.
Raven: GO! GO!
Sam: You know, I think it's really cool how sometimes ravens make sounds that sound just like human words. It's fun to think they actually understand English and are speaking with me. Alas, I know they just mimic human sounds that they hear without really understanding.
Raven: NO, YOU FUCKING IDOT! I SAID "GO!" SO GO!
Sam: Oh... oh, right.
Sam grabs Gilly, who is holding on to the baby, and they begin running. But the ravens won't stop the wights forever. They need to find some way to get out of here... and FAST!
And just then... Sam sees a conveniently timed horseman in the distance. And by "Horseman," I mean "Elkman."
Sam: What the heck?! Who rides an ELK?
The Elkman is wearing all black, with a cloak that hides his face - the color of the Watch! He steers his elk towards them and comes over.
Mystery Rider: BROTHER! Here, let me help you.
He holds his hands out to help Sam and Gilly get up on the elk so they can flee.
Sam: Oh thanks! You're just in time to save us! What a stroke of good luck. I'm so glad that... uhm... holy shit, man. Your hand is kind of black and cold.
Mystery Rider: Yeah, well. They call me "Cold Hands."
Sam: OH SHIT! Are you a Wight too?
Cold Hands: Maybe. Maybe not. But if I am, I'm only... like... half-wight. Like Mariah Carey.
Sam: So just go ahead and tell the truth... you're fucking Benjen Stark, aren't you?
Cold Hands: GRRM has repeated on several occasions that to NOT be the case.
Sam: But he's lying, right? Because remember how I was introduced later in A Game of Thrones after you had already left? I could have easily have been one of the other new recruits to the Watch that arrived with Jon, but that would have meant I would have seen your face and known who you were. I was really only introduced later--after you already leave on your ranging mission to never return--so that I wouldn't be able to recognize you here in this chapter, right?
Cold Hands: I mean... uhh... that's a possibility.
Sam: You're fucking Benjen, man. Don't even play around.
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