We now rejoin the middle of Dany and Grazden's conversation.
Dany: That was a really awkward place to break the chapter.
Grazden: I thought it was suspenseful.
Dany: It wasn't. Get to your point.
Grazden: My point is that even though I know Yunkai will win, I would prefer to avoid conflict all together. And because I’m such a standup guy… I’m going to sweeten the pot for you. 50 thousand golden marks. Retreat now and go somewhere else. I don’t care where. Do whatever. If you go that… 50 thousand pieces of gold.
Dany: Trying to bribe me? Sounds like you’re not that confident in victory.
Grazden: Oh, we’re going to win. Trust me there. It’s just that it’s so much of a hassle to clean up all the blood. I’d rather have all my slaves do other things. So why don’t you just take the money and fuck off and go to that primitive Westeros place! Sounds like a real shithole, but you seem to want to be the queen there. Whatever.
Dany: COUNTER-OFFER. You have three days. Release every slave you have. If you do so, I will not destroy your city.
Grazden: Bitch, you crazy. No way. Never going to happen. How do you think you even have the slightest chance of winning?
Dany: Oh, just a little women’s intuition and something called—DRACARYS!!!!
With the sounding of that word, Drogon jumps into the chapter and breaths some awesome dragon fire on Grazden.
Grazden: AGHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCK! MY CLOTHES ARE ON FIRE! AGHHHH!!!
Not Barristan comes over and helps him put the flames out.
Not Barristan: STOP, DROP AND ROLL! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
The flames go out.
Grazden: HOLY SHIT, WOMAN! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! HOW DARE YOU!
Dany: Oh COME ON. It was just a little fire. A baby dragon fire. Drogon has done a lot worse to OTHER people named Grazden, if you catch my drift. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT. And remember… THREE DAYS!
Grazden and the “Wise Masters” depart.
Jorah: Girl, that was fucking cold blooded right there. I can’t believe you did that. But then again you truly are Rhaegar’s sister. He was bad at math too.
Dany: Huh?
Jorah: Well, you told the Stormcrows one day. But you just told that guy three days.
Dany: Oh. I did, did I? Hrmmm. Interesting that you noticed. It’s almost like I specifically divided apart the groups and gave the different groups different and inconsistent pieces of information.
Jorah: I don’t follow.
Dany: We attack tonight. The Stormcrows think that they will have the night to decide. They will not. The Second Sons will be totally drunk on Busch Light. And the Wise Masters think they have three days. None will be prepared. We kill them all. TONIGHT.
And so team Dany scurries about to spread the word that they will attack that night.
As the preparations for the battle are happening, Jorah comes to Dany with a prisoner.
Jorah: Khaleesi, look what we have here. One of the Stormcrows. We caught him spying on our camp!
Jorah shoves the man forward. It is Daario.
Daario: Hey again, gurl. *wink*
Jorah: Ugh.
Dany: What are you doing in my camp, Daario?
Daario: Not spying like this old dickhead says. I came here to give a gift to you, to prove my love and devotion.
Dany: Jorah… what’s in the bag?
Jorah: Oh. I don’t know. I didn’t check it or anything.
Dany: WHAT?! You didn’t even check what was in the bag and you brought him to me?! What if it was a bomb or something?!
Jorah: I don’t think those have been invented yet.
Dany: Or maybe a bag of manticores/scorpions? You know… like the ones that people tried to assassinate me with one book ago?
Jorah: Oh right. I guess I should have checked the bag or something first.
Daario: My beautiful queen, these are no bombs or scorpions. Behold!
He empties the bag. The heads of Prendahl and Sallor roll out.
Dany: HOLY CRAP!
Daario: Beautiful, I give you the gift of… THE STORMCROWS! We are now on your side! I mean… there wasn’t 100% consensus on the issue of whether to join your side or not. In fact, both Prendahl and Sallor were against it. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You know. Because…
He points at their heads.
Dany: Wow. And I was just about to attack you in, like, an hour or so. Because remember how we said we were going to give you until tomorrow? Well I was lying. We’re attacking tonight.
Jorah: Khaleesi! Don’t tell him our entire battle strategy! He’s not to be trusted!
Daario: Not to be trusted? Look at that! LOOK!
He points at the heads again.
Daario: I mean that’s a PRETTY GOOD sign that I’m on your side now. Besides, have you seen this woman here? I mean LOOK AT HER. She is F-I-N-E fine! On a scale of 10… she is easily an 18. DAYUM, son. That’s what I’m trying to say. How could I NOT fight for her?
Jorah: Oh. I’ve noticed. *grumbles angrily*
Dany: Are your men ready to fight tonight? We attack the Second Sons and the Yunkai soon.
Daario: For you… the Stormcrows will fight WHENEVER.
Dany: Then get back to your men and let them know the plan.
Daario: As you command, you beautiful, sexy queen you.
Dany starts to blush. This dude is fawning all over him. And Dany LIKES it. She’s used to guys fawning all over her. Jorah does it 24/7. But Jorah is an old, gross, balding man that does nothing for her. But this Daario guy on the other hand… he looks like… uhm… err….
Dany: Yeah… wait… what DO you look like, Daario? In the books are you more of a clean-shaven, light and long-haired Season 3 Ed Skrein type? Or are you more of the bearded, dark and short-haired Seasons 4-6 Michiel Huisman type?
Daario: Neither. In the books I look like some sort of garishly-dressed pirate with a blue-dyed beard that’s divided into three different forks and a gold tooth.
Dany: Wow, that’s… uhh… different. I can’t believe I’d be attracted to that… yet here I am. Now get your sexy ass out of here and go kill some people for me.
Daario bows, blows her a kiss, and leaves.
Dany: I haven’t felt this way in a while. Not since my husband died. “Sploosh,” is all I’m saying.
Jorah: You can’t trust him, my queen! He is a sellsword and a traitor! Sure, he may have literally just murdered people to prove his loyalty to you… but it still could be some sort of elaborate trick! Men like that should not be in your company!
With that, Dany’s left eye starts to twitch and she loses her shit. She smacks Jorah in his slavery-loving face.
Dany: MEN LIKE THAT SHOULDN’T BE IN MY COMPANY? IS THAT SO? IS IT?
Jorah: Uh... *rubbing face*… what the hell just happened there?
Dany: You know what other type of MEN shouldn’t be in MY COMPANY according to YOU? EVERY FUCKING OTHER HUMAN MALE ALIVE. This is my Jorah Fucking Mormont impression… want to hear it? “Don’t listen those Horse Lords in the Dothraki! You can’t trust them! Don’t trust Pyatt Pree! Don’t trust Xaro Xhoan Daxos! Don’t trust Not Barristan! Don’t trust Strong Belwas! Don’t trust Daario Naharis!” Is there any MAN I can trust, Jorah? OH RIGHT. According to you… the only man I can trust is YOU. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing that shit from you, Jorah. You want to be the only man around me. You’re acting like a jealous, controlling husband to me. But you know what? YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND. And you will NEVER be my husband. While I respect the advice you give me… I AM NOT INTO YOU. AT ALL. So you need to STOP THAT SHIT, ASAP.
Jorah: …
Dany: Well GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and GO LEAD A BATTLE.
Jorah: Y-yes, Khaleesi. *runs away, crying*
Dany: Ugh. I hate to be a dick like that… but… geez.
Dany tries to go to sleep that night, but knows she can’t sleep during the battle. So instead she visits Not Barristan.
Dany: Not Barristan, tell me more about my brother. Tell me any random story you got.
Not Barristan: Well, it’s in this chapter which I drop a bunch of parts of a story that help the reader put two-and-two together to realize that the earlier “Knight of the Laughing Tree” story told by the Reed kids is not just a random, legendary story… but is IN FACT about Rhaegar and Lyanna Stark. But since the Reeds decided to be more redirect in their story telling in this version, I don’t really need to do that. So I can just skip to the point and remind everyone that Rhaegar winning his only ever tournament and crowning Lyanna Stark as the queen of love and beauty is a REALLY BIG DEAL, narratively. Even though it doesn’t seem like much.
Dany: Right. Because R+L=J. Everybody knows that now, right? We don’t need to be subtle and cryptic about it or anything anymore. It’s pretty much canon. I know the books haven’t gotten that far yet and “the books are the books and the show is the show,” but… just to be clear… I do want to say that this discussion merely exists to set up the fact that Jon Snow arguably has a more direct and legitimate claim to the Iron Throne than me.
Not Barristan: Correct. Although I also wanted to point out that Rhaegar was born on the day of the TRAGEDY OF SUMMERHALL as well. He was a melancholy man. Sometimes he liked to visit Summerhall.
Dany: Interesting. Could you tell me more about this TRAGEDY AT SUMMERHALL?
Not Barritsan: No. But I bet it will also be coincidentally mentioned again in the exact next chapter.
Dany: Fuck this is a long chapter. We already broke it in half. Can we speed this up? I really, really don't want this to be broken into a third part.
Jorah returns.
Jorah: Daario and the Stormcrows switched sides and joined us like you said. The Second Sons were all shitfaced when we attacked them and they were completely obliterated. The Wise Masters surrended. In all, we lost like a dozen soldiers.
Dany: Oh sweet. We really did speed the story up? GREAT!
The next morning, Dany walks to the city. All the freed slaves walk up to her and begin praising her.
Freed Slaves: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER! WE LOVE YOU! YOU FREED US!
Dany: Wow. All these brown people surrounding my pale, white ass and proclaiming me to be their mother and liberator. This is… uhm… making me somewhat uncomfortable and playing into a “white savior” narrative that is all too common in entertainment. Take Glory. Is it really about freed slaves heroically fighting in the Massachusetts 54th? No. It’s about MATTHEW BRODERICK leading them. Dangerous Minds? It’s about a white women saving inner city kids. The Last Samurai? About a white man saving Meiji Japan. The Blind Side? A white woman saves the poor, black kid with football. The Help? The hero is Emma Fucking Stone.
Not Barristan: Okay, we get the point. Now you’re the one that’s making this chapter drag unnecessarily long.
Dany: Sorry.
Dany: That was a really awkward place to break the chapter.
Grazden: I thought it was suspenseful.
Dany: It wasn't. Get to your point.
Grazden: My point is that even though I know Yunkai will win, I would prefer to avoid conflict all together. And because I’m such a standup guy… I’m going to sweeten the pot for you. 50 thousand golden marks. Retreat now and go somewhere else. I don’t care where. Do whatever. If you go that… 50 thousand pieces of gold.
Dany: Trying to bribe me? Sounds like you’re not that confident in victory.
Grazden: Oh, we’re going to win. Trust me there. It’s just that it’s so much of a hassle to clean up all the blood. I’d rather have all my slaves do other things. So why don’t you just take the money and fuck off and go to that primitive Westeros place! Sounds like a real shithole, but you seem to want to be the queen there. Whatever.
Dany: COUNTER-OFFER. You have three days. Release every slave you have. If you do so, I will not destroy your city.
Grazden: Bitch, you crazy. No way. Never going to happen. How do you think you even have the slightest chance of winning?
Dany: Oh, just a little women’s intuition and something called—DRACARYS!!!!
With the sounding of that word, Drogon jumps into the chapter and breaths some awesome dragon fire on Grazden.
Grazden: AGHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCK! MY CLOTHES ARE ON FIRE! AGHHHH!!!
Not Barristan comes over and helps him put the flames out.
Not Barristan: STOP, DROP AND ROLL! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
The flames go out.
Grazden: HOLY SHIT, WOMAN! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! HOW DARE YOU!
Dany: Oh COME ON. It was just a little fire. A baby dragon fire. Drogon has done a lot worse to OTHER people named Grazden, if you catch my drift. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT. And remember… THREE DAYS!
Grazden and the “Wise Masters” depart.
Jorah: Girl, that was fucking cold blooded right there. I can’t believe you did that. But then again you truly are Rhaegar’s sister. He was bad at math too.
Dany: Huh?
Jorah: Well, you told the Stormcrows one day. But you just told that guy three days.
Dany: Oh. I did, did I? Hrmmm. Interesting that you noticed. It’s almost like I specifically divided apart the groups and gave the different groups different and inconsistent pieces of information.
Jorah: I don’t follow.
Dany: We attack tonight. The Stormcrows think that they will have the night to decide. They will not. The Second Sons will be totally drunk on Busch Light. And the Wise Masters think they have three days. None will be prepared. We kill them all. TONIGHT.
And so team Dany scurries about to spread the word that they will attack that night.
As the preparations for the battle are happening, Jorah comes to Dany with a prisoner.
Jorah: Khaleesi, look what we have here. One of the Stormcrows. We caught him spying on our camp!
Jorah shoves the man forward. It is Daario.
Daario: Hey again, gurl. *wink*
Jorah: Ugh.
Dany: What are you doing in my camp, Daario?
Daario: Not spying like this old dickhead says. I came here to give a gift to you, to prove my love and devotion.
Dany: Jorah… what’s in the bag?
Jorah: Oh. I don’t know. I didn’t check it or anything.
Dany: WHAT?! You didn’t even check what was in the bag and you brought him to me?! What if it was a bomb or something?!
Jorah: I don’t think those have been invented yet.
Dany: Or maybe a bag of manticores/scorpions? You know… like the ones that people tried to assassinate me with one book ago?
Jorah: Oh right. I guess I should have checked the bag or something first.
Daario: My beautiful queen, these are no bombs or scorpions. Behold!
He empties the bag. The heads of Prendahl and Sallor roll out.
Dany: HOLY CRAP!
Daario: Beautiful, I give you the gift of… THE STORMCROWS! We are now on your side! I mean… there wasn’t 100% consensus on the issue of whether to join your side or not. In fact, both Prendahl and Sallor were against it. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You know. Because…
He points at their heads.
Dany: Wow. And I was just about to attack you in, like, an hour or so. Because remember how we said we were going to give you until tomorrow? Well I was lying. We’re attacking tonight.
Jorah: Khaleesi! Don’t tell him our entire battle strategy! He’s not to be trusted!
Daario: Not to be trusted? Look at that! LOOK!
He points at the heads again.
Daario: I mean that’s a PRETTY GOOD sign that I’m on your side now. Besides, have you seen this woman here? I mean LOOK AT HER. She is F-I-N-E fine! On a scale of 10… she is easily an 18. DAYUM, son. That’s what I’m trying to say. How could I NOT fight for her?
Jorah: Oh. I’ve noticed. *grumbles angrily*
Dany: Are your men ready to fight tonight? We attack the Second Sons and the Yunkai soon.
Daario: For you… the Stormcrows will fight WHENEVER.
Dany: Then get back to your men and let them know the plan.
Daario: As you command, you beautiful, sexy queen you.
Dany starts to blush. This dude is fawning all over him. And Dany LIKES it. She’s used to guys fawning all over her. Jorah does it 24/7. But Jorah is an old, gross, balding man that does nothing for her. But this Daario guy on the other hand… he looks like… uhm… err….
Dany: Yeah… wait… what DO you look like, Daario? In the books are you more of a clean-shaven, light and long-haired Season 3 Ed Skrein type? Or are you more of the bearded, dark and short-haired Seasons 4-6 Michiel Huisman type?
Daario: Neither. In the books I look like some sort of garishly-dressed pirate with a blue-dyed beard that’s divided into three different forks and a gold tooth.
Dany: Wow, that’s… uhh… different. I can’t believe I’d be attracted to that… yet here I am. Now get your sexy ass out of here and go kill some people for me.
Daario bows, blows her a kiss, and leaves.
Dany: I haven’t felt this way in a while. Not since my husband died. “Sploosh,” is all I’m saying.
Jorah: You can’t trust him, my queen! He is a sellsword and a traitor! Sure, he may have literally just murdered people to prove his loyalty to you… but it still could be some sort of elaborate trick! Men like that should not be in your company!
With that, Dany’s left eye starts to twitch and she loses her shit. She smacks Jorah in his slavery-loving face.
Dany: MEN LIKE THAT SHOULDN’T BE IN MY COMPANY? IS THAT SO? IS IT?
Jorah: Uh... *rubbing face*… what the hell just happened there?
Dany: You know what other type of MEN shouldn’t be in MY COMPANY according to YOU? EVERY FUCKING OTHER HUMAN MALE ALIVE. This is my Jorah Fucking Mormont impression… want to hear it? “Don’t listen those Horse Lords in the Dothraki! You can’t trust them! Don’t trust Pyatt Pree! Don’t trust Xaro Xhoan Daxos! Don’t trust Not Barristan! Don’t trust Strong Belwas! Don’t trust Daario Naharis!” Is there any MAN I can trust, Jorah? OH RIGHT. According to you… the only man I can trust is YOU. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing that shit from you, Jorah. You want to be the only man around me. You’re acting like a jealous, controlling husband to me. But you know what? YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND. And you will NEVER be my husband. While I respect the advice you give me… I AM NOT INTO YOU. AT ALL. So you need to STOP THAT SHIT, ASAP.
Jorah: …
Dany: Well GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and GO LEAD A BATTLE.
Jorah: Y-yes, Khaleesi. *runs away, crying*
Dany: Ugh. I hate to be a dick like that… but… geez.
Dany tries to go to sleep that night, but knows she can’t sleep during the battle. So instead she visits Not Barristan.
Dany: Not Barristan, tell me more about my brother. Tell me any random story you got.
Not Barristan: Well, it’s in this chapter which I drop a bunch of parts of a story that help the reader put two-and-two together to realize that the earlier “Knight of the Laughing Tree” story told by the Reed kids is not just a random, legendary story… but is IN FACT about Rhaegar and Lyanna Stark. But since the Reeds decided to be more redirect in their story telling in this version, I don’t really need to do that. So I can just skip to the point and remind everyone that Rhaegar winning his only ever tournament and crowning Lyanna Stark as the queen of love and beauty is a REALLY BIG DEAL, narratively. Even though it doesn’t seem like much.
Dany: Right. Because R+L=J. Everybody knows that now, right? We don’t need to be subtle and cryptic about it or anything anymore. It’s pretty much canon. I know the books haven’t gotten that far yet and “the books are the books and the show is the show,” but… just to be clear… I do want to say that this discussion merely exists to set up the fact that Jon Snow arguably has a more direct and legitimate claim to the Iron Throne than me.
Not Barristan: Correct. Although I also wanted to point out that Rhaegar was born on the day of the TRAGEDY OF SUMMERHALL as well. He was a melancholy man. Sometimes he liked to visit Summerhall.
Dany: Interesting. Could you tell me more about this TRAGEDY AT SUMMERHALL?
Not Barritsan: No. But I bet it will also be coincidentally mentioned again in the exact next chapter.
Dany: Fuck this is a long chapter. We already broke it in half. Can we speed this up? I really, really don't want this to be broken into a third part.
Jorah returns.
Jorah: Daario and the Stormcrows switched sides and joined us like you said. The Second Sons were all shitfaced when we attacked them and they were completely obliterated. The Wise Masters surrended. In all, we lost like a dozen soldiers.
Dany: Oh sweet. We really did speed the story up? GREAT!
The next morning, Dany walks to the city. All the freed slaves walk up to her and begin praising her.
Freed Slaves: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER! WE LOVE YOU! YOU FREED US!
Dany: Wow. All these brown people surrounding my pale, white ass and proclaiming me to be their mother and liberator. This is… uhm… making me somewhat uncomfortable and playing into a “white savior” narrative that is all too common in entertainment. Take Glory. Is it really about freed slaves heroically fighting in the Massachusetts 54th? No. It’s about MATTHEW BRODERICK leading them. Dangerous Minds? It’s about a white women saving inner city kids. The Last Samurai? About a white man saving Meiji Japan. The Blind Side? A white woman saves the poor, black kid with football. The Help? The hero is Emma Fucking Stone.
Not Barristan: Okay, we get the point. Now you’re the one that’s making this chapter drag unnecessarily long.
Dany: Sorry.
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