Tyrion is sitting at dinner with Sansa, and the whole ordeal is awkward and joyless. Neither is talking to one another. And Tyrion is already aggravated because the Martells and the Tyrells have been brawling with each other throughout the town ever since the Red Viper and his crew arrived in town. And the Red Viper himself keeps asking for "Justice" for his sister every time he sees Tyrion.
Sansa: If you'll excuse me. I'm not really that hungry. I'd like to go pray in the godswood.
Tyrion: Oh. Would you like me to join you?
Sansa: Fuck no... ah... I mean... you'd be bored.
Tyrion: Ah, true. Plus you'll probably just be praying for me to die anyway.
Sansa leaves. Tyrion goes back to his tedious-ass job as Master of Coin.
Tyrion: Man, this whole banking system that Littlefinger left for me is a mess. Everyone claims he was such a genius with money... but all he did was make a bunch of high-risk investments in shady things. 40% of our city's loans appear to be invested in Goop. Fuck!
Boros Blount then arrives.
Ser Boros: The Lord Hand demands your presence.
Tyrion: You mean my dad?
Boros: Well... yeah.
Tyrion: I mean, he's my dad. You can just say "your dad."
Boros: *rolls eyes*
Tyrion goes to his father's solar, expecting to just see him. Instead, he sees the ENTIRE fucking Lannister crew - Tywin, Queen Cersei, King Joffrey, Ser Kevan, and even their little yes-man, Grand Maester Pycelle. Except don't expect me to mention Pycelle again because he doesn't really do anything important in this chapter at all. They all have smiles on their faces.
Tyrion: Oh, what the hell is up with all of you? I didn't even know my dad could smile? What's the occasion?
His Lord Father hands him a parchment. Tyrion reads it.
Tyrion: "Dear Lord Twyin. We murdered Robb and Cat Stark at the Wedding of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey. Love, Walder Frey." YIKES... you'd think they would have written this in code or something. This is a bit blunt here.
Cersei: HAHAHA. This is the best!
Joffrey: No it's not! It would be better if I COULD HAVE KILLED THEM!
Tyrion: Shit. Well. I bet my wife won't be happy about this. Whatever the hell she's praying for in the godswoods won't be answered. Probably because religion is a lie created to control society. Whatever. ANYWAY, it looks like Kings are falling like CRAZY this autumn. Huh? Huh? Maybe another one will fall too, huh shithead?
Tyrion elbows Joffrey several times and winks. Which Tyrion will probably regret at his upcoming trial for killing Joffrey. Oh, I mean "spoiler alert."
Tyrion: All I'm trying to say is that it looks like this war is winning itself.
Cersei: Fool, it's not winning itself. FATHER is winning it! He's the mastermind behind all this!
Tywin: Enough bickering, you two. This war is not over so long as there are still troops on the battlefield. The Lords of the Riverlands still fight us, and Riverrun is defended by the Blackfish.
Cersei: Surely the combined forces of Highgarden, Casterly Rock and Dorne will overrun the Northmen! They will see the odds are on our side. They have no king! They will submit rather than choose destruction.
Tywin: Yes. Most will. But not Riverrun. The Blackfish is a fucking badass, man. No way will he ever submit. Perhaps Seagard and Raventree Hall will not surrender either.
Joffrey: Wait, who the hell is in charge of Raventree Hall? Is that even an important House?
Tyrion: The Blackwoods. And to answer your other question... no... they are not.
Tywin: Although as long as we have the Blackfish's nephew, Edmure, as a hostage at the Twins... I doubt he will fight us outwardly. He will likely stay put in Riverrun. We should be able to pin the Mallisters down at Seagard and perhaps we can bribe the Brackens to switch allegiance, which will take the Blackwoods out of play. In the end, all will bend the knee. And I am ready to offer them generous terms to do so. I will spare every castle.. except for one.
Tyrion: Let me guess. Harrenhal?
Tywin: Correct. It is held by the Brave Companions. They switches sides, betraying me. That I will not abide. I have already commanded Ser Gregor Clegane to attack the castle and spare no one. Westeros should be rid of the Brave Companions once and for all.
Tyrion: Hahaha, good one, dad! Squeezing the last bit of juice out of the Mountain before you hand him over to Oberyn Martell, huh? Plus that means you can give the castle over to Littlefinger, just like you previously promised. Unless his ship sank at sea. Which I hope it did. We haven't heard about that guy in a while.
Tywin: I will not hand the Mountain over to Prince Oberyn.
Tyrion: ....Whaaaaaa?
Tywin: You heard me.
Tyrion: But you... like... made a promise to the Red Viper. You promised that if Dorne allied with us, we would give them justice for his sister's murder.
Tywin: Indeed. And I will give him that justice... by giving him--
Joffrey: --SHUT UP, EVERYONE! THE KING IS HERE! And I disagree with this whole plan. Offering people generous terms to bend the knee? Forging people who betrayed ME?! I AM THE TRUE KING! They should ALL DIE! WE SHOULD KILL THEM ALL!
Tywin: Uh, no.
Joffrey: I AM THE KING! AND I DEMAND ROBB STARK'S HEAD! TELL THE FREYS TO SEND IT TO ME, NOW! I WILL CARRY IT AROUND WITH ME AND MAKE SANSA KISS IT!
Tywin: No, you won't. Stop being a little pussy, punk bitch.
Joffrey: YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GRANDFATHER! I AM THE KING!
Tywin: Any king who keeps shouting, "I AM THE KING" is no true king. King Aerys never understood that. Which is why he's fucking dead now. You need not worry yourself about matters of war. You need to worry about getting married, taking Maergery Tyrell's maidenhood, and having heirs.
Joffrey: YOU'RE JUST SCARED! SCARED TO FIGHT! YOU'RE A COWARD! YOU WERE SCARED OF KING AERYS! I KNOW! MY DADDY TOLD ME! YOU HID AT CASTERLY ROCK THE WHOLE TIME!
Cersei: I really doubt that Jaime ever told you anything like that.
Joffrey: I SAID MY DADDY! KING ROBERT! NOT LAME UNCLE JAIME!
Cersei: Oh... oh yeah, right. "Robert" was your dad. Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah. Anyway, apologize to your grandfather for insulting him.
Joffrey: NO! I WON'T! I'M THE KING AND WILL BE OBEYED!
Tyrion: Wow, this is finally getting interesting.
Tywin: Ser Kevan, it looks like the Kingey-Wingey is tired and needs some milky-wilky before he gets tucked in and goes to beddy-bye. Please escort him to his nappy-wappy.
Joffrey: NO! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M THE KI--
But of course Kevan Lannister can do that, because he's a grown-ass man and Joffrey is a little fucking petulant baby. And thus the King is sent off to bed to cry like a bitch.
Cersei: I'm so sorry about Joffrey. He's.... uhh... willful.
Tywin: Bitch, I thought you were going to raise that kid RIGHT. I didn't need another fucking King Robert the Second.
Cersei: I don't understand it at all. He worshiped his father. And for no reason. His father barely paid any attention to him at all. He once hit him and broke all the teeth in his mouth too.
Tywin: Shut the fuck up and get out of here too.
Cersei: WHAT?! But I...
Tywin: I said GET!
Cersei storms off angrily. That leaves Tyrion and Tywin.
Pycelle: Wait... am I still here too?
Shut up. I said earlier that you don't matter in this chapter. It doesn't matter.
Tyrion: Hahaha, wow. Yeah, that kid is a dick, huh? But I don't think you need to worry about having a King Robert II. Robert was a brave and courageous fighter who made allies with his enemies. What you've got on your hands is a sadistic little pussy fuck who will be King Aerys IV.
Tywin: The boy is young. He simply needs to be taught some hard lessons.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, you like teaching kids at about that age hard lessons, huh? Like when you married me to a whore and made me watch as a bunch of soldiers ran a train on her?
Tywin: ...
Tyrion: ...
Tywin: ...
Tyrion: Anyway, back to the war. I take it that this "Red Wedding" thing was your idea. How long had you been plotting this with Lord Walder?
Tywin: Plotting? I object to that word.
Tyrion: I object to being left in the dark about HUGE plans like this.
Tywin: The less that knew, the better. Especially the less alcoholic, talkative assholes that knew.
Tyrion: Hrm. I do like to drink and talk. So maybe that was a good call.
Tywin: Nobody was told that wasn't playing a part in the event itself. Not even your sister. I needed to get rid of a dangerous enemy, and I did so as cheaply and quickly as possible.
Tyrion: Anyway... I was asking you about the Dorne thing before Joffrey interrupted. So... I was saying... how do you plan to give the Red Viper his justice if you don't give him the Mountain?
Tywin: The Red Viper only knows RUMORS that it was the Mountain that did the deed. He has no facts. I will tell him that it was all Ser Amory Lorch. Who was, as we already know, eaten by a fucking bear recently. The Red Viper should be very satisfied to hear that was the end for the person that killed his beloved sister and his niece and nephew.
Tyrion: Uhh... but will he BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
Tywin: It was Ser Amory who found and killed Rhaegar's daughter, Rhaenys. Elia Martell and the baby Aegon were just one floor below in the nursery.
Tyrion: Right. And then THE MOUNTAIN killed them there. Not Amory.
Tywin: But he doesn't know that for a fact.
Tyrion: Let's say he is satisfied that Amory killed all three of them. He will still want to get justice against the person that ORDERED the murders. Everyone knows that both Amory and the Mountain are complete, brainless dipshits who couldn't make a decision on their own. No way would they have been smart enough to do that themselves.
Tywin: If the Red Viper asks, I will tell him that Lorch acted on his own in order to win the favor of King Robert. Everybody knows that Robert HATED Rhaegar with a passion. I mean he did murder Rhaegar in a river with a fucking hammer. In order to claim the throne, Robert will have needed for Rhaegar's heirs to be gotten rid of. But Robert thought himself "too noble" to do it himself. Still, the hypocrite wanted those kids dead one way or another. I will say that Lorch was ambitious enough to do the deed on his own, knowing that it would make Robert very happy.
Tyrion: You know, dad... that version of the story... it might just work. Yeah. It might.
Tywin: Indeed. The best lies are based on the truth. We all needed to prove our loyalty to the new king when Robert took the throne. Do you think Robert trusted the Lannisters? No! That's why I had to present the bodies of the dead children to him.
Tyrion: Which is totally messed up, man.
Tywin: I did not mean for Elia Martell to be killed. That was a mistake. However, I didn't give the Mountain the order to NOT kill her. And you know how he is. So... here we are...
Tyrion: Still. As plausible and POSSIBLE as your Amory Lorch story is, I bet the Red Viper will still not be satisfied.
Tywin: Whatever. I honestly did not know what either of those brutes was capable of. Did I expect the Mountain to rape and murder Elia? No! Did I expect Lorch to give fifty thrusts to a three year old girl? No. If I was him, I would have calmed her with a few sweet words and then snuffed her out with a soft, silk pillow.
Tyrion: So is a soft, silk pillow what Lord Frey used to kill Robb Stark?
Tywin: The plan was to kill him with an arrow. Killing his mother was not part of the plan, and I meant for her to be a hostage. It looks like from the letter though that something went wrong and that is not the case. Who is to say what happened? I wasn't there.
Tyrion: You know, if Robb was killed at a wedding at the Twins... that means the sacred, time-honored practice of guest rights has been violated.
Tywin: That blood is on Walder Frey's hands. Not mine. Do not assume that this whole plan was mine and done under my orders.
Tyrion: Ah, true. Walder is an old, creepy shithead who is deeply offended by everything which he sees as an affront to him. He hated Robb for breaking the marriage alliance and he's always been jealous of the Tullys. He likely planned the whole thing himself. Still... he would never have gone through with it unless he was promised protection.
Tywin: Yes. That is indeed what he requested from me. And was I supposed to refuse that offer? Doing so would keep him allied to our enemy and prolong the war. How many more men would die on the battlefield if this war continues? Hundreds? No. Probably thousands. Trading the life of one boy for thousands seems like a low price to pay. A boy who defied and made war with us, none the less. The Crown will grant Riverrun to Emmon Frey as soon as the Blackfish yields. Lancel and Daven Lannister will marry Frey girls. Roose Bolton will become Warden of the North and his bastard son will marry Arya Stark.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! Bolton was involved in this plot too? Well... I guess that's not surprising, given that he's an absolute shithead and Lord Walder probably didn't have the stomach to act alone. However... what's up with this Arya thing? That girl has been missing for over a year. I'm sure that she is LONG DEAD.
Tywin: Yes. So was Renly until the Battle of the Blackwater. Sometimes dead people have a habit of coming back alive... just in time when they are needed.
Tyrion: By the way... completely unrelated topic... but my wife was asking me whatever happened to her friend Jeyne Poole that hasn't been heard from in two books.
Tywin: I'm not sure why you're bringing that up now, but while you're bringing up the topic of your wife... Bolton will hold the North for the Crown and fight the other northmen to protect it until the time that YOUR HEIR WITH SANSA comes of age. And that will happen SOONER if you, you know, actually PUT YOUR DICK IN HER.
Tyrion: Oh... yeah... good idea, POPS. When you you think Sansa will be groaning and begging for my dick the most? Do you think it will be before or AFTER I tell her that the Lannisters have murdered her entire family?
Tywin: Before.
Tyrion: No... uh.... I mean.... that was supposed to be a hypothetical question. You weren't supposed to answer that.
Sansa: If you'll excuse me. I'm not really that hungry. I'd like to go pray in the godswood.
Tyrion: Oh. Would you like me to join you?
Sansa: Fuck no... ah... I mean... you'd be bored.
Tyrion: Ah, true. Plus you'll probably just be praying for me to die anyway.
Sansa leaves. Tyrion goes back to his tedious-ass job as Master of Coin.
Tyrion: Man, this whole banking system that Littlefinger left for me is a mess. Everyone claims he was such a genius with money... but all he did was make a bunch of high-risk investments in shady things. 40% of our city's loans appear to be invested in Goop. Fuck!
Boros Blount then arrives.
Ser Boros: The Lord Hand demands your presence.
Tyrion: You mean my dad?
Boros: Well... yeah.
Tyrion: I mean, he's my dad. You can just say "your dad."
Boros: *rolls eyes*
Tyrion goes to his father's solar, expecting to just see him. Instead, he sees the ENTIRE fucking Lannister crew - Tywin, Queen Cersei, King Joffrey, Ser Kevan, and even their little yes-man, Grand Maester Pycelle. Except don't expect me to mention Pycelle again because he doesn't really do anything important in this chapter at all. They all have smiles on their faces.
Tyrion: Oh, what the hell is up with all of you? I didn't even know my dad could smile? What's the occasion?
His Lord Father hands him a parchment. Tyrion reads it.
Tyrion: "Dear Lord Twyin. We murdered Robb and Cat Stark at the Wedding of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey. Love, Walder Frey." YIKES... you'd think they would have written this in code or something. This is a bit blunt here.
Cersei: HAHAHA. This is the best!
Joffrey: No it's not! It would be better if I COULD HAVE KILLED THEM!
Tyrion: Shit. Well. I bet my wife won't be happy about this. Whatever the hell she's praying for in the godswoods won't be answered. Probably because religion is a lie created to control society. Whatever. ANYWAY, it looks like Kings are falling like CRAZY this autumn. Huh? Huh? Maybe another one will fall too, huh shithead?
Tyrion elbows Joffrey several times and winks. Which Tyrion will probably regret at his upcoming trial for killing Joffrey. Oh, I mean "spoiler alert."
Tyrion: All I'm trying to say is that it looks like this war is winning itself.
Cersei: Fool, it's not winning itself. FATHER is winning it! He's the mastermind behind all this!
Tywin: Enough bickering, you two. This war is not over so long as there are still troops on the battlefield. The Lords of the Riverlands still fight us, and Riverrun is defended by the Blackfish.
Cersei: Surely the combined forces of Highgarden, Casterly Rock and Dorne will overrun the Northmen! They will see the odds are on our side. They have no king! They will submit rather than choose destruction.
Tywin: Yes. Most will. But not Riverrun. The Blackfish is a fucking badass, man. No way will he ever submit. Perhaps Seagard and Raventree Hall will not surrender either.
Joffrey: Wait, who the hell is in charge of Raventree Hall? Is that even an important House?
Tyrion: The Blackwoods. And to answer your other question... no... they are not.
Tywin: Although as long as we have the Blackfish's nephew, Edmure, as a hostage at the Twins... I doubt he will fight us outwardly. He will likely stay put in Riverrun. We should be able to pin the Mallisters down at Seagard and perhaps we can bribe the Brackens to switch allegiance, which will take the Blackwoods out of play. In the end, all will bend the knee. And I am ready to offer them generous terms to do so. I will spare every castle.. except for one.
Tyrion: Let me guess. Harrenhal?
Tywin: Correct. It is held by the Brave Companions. They switches sides, betraying me. That I will not abide. I have already commanded Ser Gregor Clegane to attack the castle and spare no one. Westeros should be rid of the Brave Companions once and for all.
Tyrion: Hahaha, good one, dad! Squeezing the last bit of juice out of the Mountain before you hand him over to Oberyn Martell, huh? Plus that means you can give the castle over to Littlefinger, just like you previously promised. Unless his ship sank at sea. Which I hope it did. We haven't heard about that guy in a while.
Tywin: I will not hand the Mountain over to Prince Oberyn.
Tyrion: ....Whaaaaaa?
Tywin: You heard me.
Tyrion: But you... like... made a promise to the Red Viper. You promised that if Dorne allied with us, we would give them justice for his sister's murder.
Tywin: Indeed. And I will give him that justice... by giving him--
Joffrey: --SHUT UP, EVERYONE! THE KING IS HERE! And I disagree with this whole plan. Offering people generous terms to bend the knee? Forging people who betrayed ME?! I AM THE TRUE KING! They should ALL DIE! WE SHOULD KILL THEM ALL!
Tywin: Uh, no.
Joffrey: I AM THE KING! AND I DEMAND ROBB STARK'S HEAD! TELL THE FREYS TO SEND IT TO ME, NOW! I WILL CARRY IT AROUND WITH ME AND MAKE SANSA KISS IT!
Tywin: No, you won't. Stop being a little pussy, punk bitch.
Joffrey: YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GRANDFATHER! I AM THE KING!
Tywin: Any king who keeps shouting, "I AM THE KING" is no true king. King Aerys never understood that. Which is why he's fucking dead now. You need not worry yourself about matters of war. You need to worry about getting married, taking Maergery Tyrell's maidenhood, and having heirs.
Joffrey: YOU'RE JUST SCARED! SCARED TO FIGHT! YOU'RE A COWARD! YOU WERE SCARED OF KING AERYS! I KNOW! MY DADDY TOLD ME! YOU HID AT CASTERLY ROCK THE WHOLE TIME!
Cersei: I really doubt that Jaime ever told you anything like that.
Joffrey: I SAID MY DADDY! KING ROBERT! NOT LAME UNCLE JAIME!
Cersei: Oh... oh yeah, right. "Robert" was your dad. Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah. Anyway, apologize to your grandfather for insulting him.
Joffrey: NO! I WON'T! I'M THE KING AND WILL BE OBEYED!
Tyrion: Wow, this is finally getting interesting.
Tywin: Ser Kevan, it looks like the Kingey-Wingey is tired and needs some milky-wilky before he gets tucked in and goes to beddy-bye. Please escort him to his nappy-wappy.
Joffrey: NO! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M THE KI--
But of course Kevan Lannister can do that, because he's a grown-ass man and Joffrey is a little fucking petulant baby. And thus the King is sent off to bed to cry like a bitch.
Cersei: I'm so sorry about Joffrey. He's.... uhh... willful.
Tywin: Bitch, I thought you were going to raise that kid RIGHT. I didn't need another fucking King Robert the Second.
Cersei: I don't understand it at all. He worshiped his father. And for no reason. His father barely paid any attention to him at all. He once hit him and broke all the teeth in his mouth too.
Tywin: Shut the fuck up and get out of here too.
Cersei: WHAT?! But I...
Tywin: I said GET!
Cersei storms off angrily. That leaves Tyrion and Tywin.
Pycelle: Wait... am I still here too?
Shut up. I said earlier that you don't matter in this chapter. It doesn't matter.
Tyrion: Hahaha, wow. Yeah, that kid is a dick, huh? But I don't think you need to worry about having a King Robert II. Robert was a brave and courageous fighter who made allies with his enemies. What you've got on your hands is a sadistic little pussy fuck who will be King Aerys IV.
Tywin: The boy is young. He simply needs to be taught some hard lessons.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, you like teaching kids at about that age hard lessons, huh? Like when you married me to a whore and made me watch as a bunch of soldiers ran a train on her?
Tywin: ...
Tyrion: ...
Tywin: ...
Tyrion: Anyway, back to the war. I take it that this "Red Wedding" thing was your idea. How long had you been plotting this with Lord Walder?
Tywin: Plotting? I object to that word.
Tyrion: I object to being left in the dark about HUGE plans like this.
Tywin: The less that knew, the better. Especially the less alcoholic, talkative assholes that knew.
Tyrion: Hrm. I do like to drink and talk. So maybe that was a good call.
Tywin: Nobody was told that wasn't playing a part in the event itself. Not even your sister. I needed to get rid of a dangerous enemy, and I did so as cheaply and quickly as possible.
Tyrion: Anyway... I was asking you about the Dorne thing before Joffrey interrupted. So... I was saying... how do you plan to give the Red Viper his justice if you don't give him the Mountain?
Tywin: The Red Viper only knows RUMORS that it was the Mountain that did the deed. He has no facts. I will tell him that it was all Ser Amory Lorch. Who was, as we already know, eaten by a fucking bear recently. The Red Viper should be very satisfied to hear that was the end for the person that killed his beloved sister and his niece and nephew.
Tyrion: Uhh... but will he BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
Tywin: It was Ser Amory who found and killed Rhaegar's daughter, Rhaenys. Elia Martell and the baby Aegon were just one floor below in the nursery.
Tyrion: Right. And then THE MOUNTAIN killed them there. Not Amory.
Tywin: But he doesn't know that for a fact.
Tyrion: Let's say he is satisfied that Amory killed all three of them. He will still want to get justice against the person that ORDERED the murders. Everyone knows that both Amory and the Mountain are complete, brainless dipshits who couldn't make a decision on their own. No way would they have been smart enough to do that themselves.
Tywin: If the Red Viper asks, I will tell him that Lorch acted on his own in order to win the favor of King Robert. Everybody knows that Robert HATED Rhaegar with a passion. I mean he did murder Rhaegar in a river with a fucking hammer. In order to claim the throne, Robert will have needed for Rhaegar's heirs to be gotten rid of. But Robert thought himself "too noble" to do it himself. Still, the hypocrite wanted those kids dead one way or another. I will say that Lorch was ambitious enough to do the deed on his own, knowing that it would make Robert very happy.
Tyrion: You know, dad... that version of the story... it might just work. Yeah. It might.
Tywin: Indeed. The best lies are based on the truth. We all needed to prove our loyalty to the new king when Robert took the throne. Do you think Robert trusted the Lannisters? No! That's why I had to present the bodies of the dead children to him.
Tyrion: Which is totally messed up, man.
Tywin: I did not mean for Elia Martell to be killed. That was a mistake. However, I didn't give the Mountain the order to NOT kill her. And you know how he is. So... here we are...
Tyrion: Still. As plausible and POSSIBLE as your Amory Lorch story is, I bet the Red Viper will still not be satisfied.
Tywin: Whatever. I honestly did not know what either of those brutes was capable of. Did I expect the Mountain to rape and murder Elia? No! Did I expect Lorch to give fifty thrusts to a three year old girl? No. If I was him, I would have calmed her with a few sweet words and then snuffed her out with a soft, silk pillow.
Tyrion: So is a soft, silk pillow what Lord Frey used to kill Robb Stark?
Tywin: The plan was to kill him with an arrow. Killing his mother was not part of the plan, and I meant for her to be a hostage. It looks like from the letter though that something went wrong and that is not the case. Who is to say what happened? I wasn't there.
Tyrion: You know, if Robb was killed at a wedding at the Twins... that means the sacred, time-honored practice of guest rights has been violated.
Tywin: That blood is on Walder Frey's hands. Not mine. Do not assume that this whole plan was mine and done under my orders.
Tyrion: Ah, true. Walder is an old, creepy shithead who is deeply offended by everything which he sees as an affront to him. He hated Robb for breaking the marriage alliance and he's always been jealous of the Tullys. He likely planned the whole thing himself. Still... he would never have gone through with it unless he was promised protection.
Tywin: Yes. That is indeed what he requested from me. And was I supposed to refuse that offer? Doing so would keep him allied to our enemy and prolong the war. How many more men would die on the battlefield if this war continues? Hundreds? No. Probably thousands. Trading the life of one boy for thousands seems like a low price to pay. A boy who defied and made war with us, none the less. The Crown will grant Riverrun to Emmon Frey as soon as the Blackfish yields. Lancel and Daven Lannister will marry Frey girls. Roose Bolton will become Warden of the North and his bastard son will marry Arya Stark.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! Bolton was involved in this plot too? Well... I guess that's not surprising, given that he's an absolute shithead and Lord Walder probably didn't have the stomach to act alone. However... what's up with this Arya thing? That girl has been missing for over a year. I'm sure that she is LONG DEAD.
Tywin: Yes. So was Renly until the Battle of the Blackwater. Sometimes dead people have a habit of coming back alive... just in time when they are needed.
Tyrion: By the way... completely unrelated topic... but my wife was asking me whatever happened to her friend Jeyne Poole that hasn't been heard from in two books.
Tywin: I'm not sure why you're bringing that up now, but while you're bringing up the topic of your wife... Bolton will hold the North for the Crown and fight the other northmen to protect it until the time that YOUR HEIR WITH SANSA comes of age. And that will happen SOONER if you, you know, actually PUT YOUR DICK IN HER.
Tyrion: Oh... yeah... good idea, POPS. When you you think Sansa will be groaning and begging for my dick the most? Do you think it will be before or AFTER I tell her that the Lannisters have murdered her entire family?
Tywin: Before.
Tyrion: No... uh.... I mean.... that was supposed to be a hypothetical question. You weren't supposed to answer that.
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