At the Chamber of the Painted table, King Stannis, Davos and the leadership team listen to Davos's pirate buddy, Sallador Saan, who is relaying the story of the Red Wedding.
Sallador: Oh yeah. So they took Robb Stark, right. And they cut his fucking head off with a hacksaw. And then they did the same to his wolf, Grey Wind. And then they sewed the wolf's head on HIS body. And then they put a crown on it and had him sit in a chair like that was his throne. And CAT STARK. Oh Jesus... they slit her neck right open and threw her ass in the river! IN THE RIVER! Like for alligators and shit!
Davos: I believe they're called "lion lizards" in this fictional universe.
Sallador: Whatever.
Davos: Come on... you don't beliee all this, do you? Sounds like exaggeration.
Sallador: No way man. It's all real! My buddies wouldn't lie. Those Freys and Boltons are some FUCKED UP sickos. I can't believe they flouted guest rights like that! Surely they're cursed for all of time!
Melisandre: It's a miracle! A miracle from R'hllor!
Queen Selyse: ALL PRAISE THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Axell Florent: PRAISE! A MIRACLE! A GIFT FROM OUR GREAT GOD!
Stannis: Really? You're going to say the LORD OF LIGHT killed Robb Stark? It sounds like WALDER FREY killed him to me.
Mel: The Lord of Light uses strange agents to carry out his will. Sometimes they need not even know they are used. But I can tell you that it is true. We burned three leeches for three kings... and--
Stannis: --and TWO have died, not three. Even I can count that fucking high, Mel.
Mel: Give it time, King Stannis.
Stannis: Time is not something I have plenty of. I need to get moving. I say we offer pardons for the remaining Starks and Greyjoys in return that they bend the knee to me. I need allies to defeat the Lannisters.
Mel: No! I have looked into the flames and I see that they will not bend the knee. Only more pretenders shall rise to claim your throne from them.
Stannis: *grumble*
Mel: You must show the realm your TRUE power.
Selyse: Yes, and for that my dear husband... you need DRAGONS!
Stannis: What? AGAIN with this dragon shit? STOP. Everybody else who has tried to "make" dragons before has failed. Need I tell you about the Tragedy at Summerhall?
Mel: None of the others who tried were willing to pay the true price to raise dragons. None were willing to sacrifice King's Blood! Give the boy to R'hllor and the prophecy will be fulfulled! Your dragon shall awaken and spread his stone wings!
Davos: The boy's name is EDRIC STORM. He's a person and not a sacrificial lamb.
Axell: No! You must do it, your majesty.
Selyse: His very birth was a curse on our marriage! He was conceived by your brother in a drunken stupor in the very wedding bed that was intended for our wedding night! He defiled our bed!
Stannis: Robert defiled our bed, woman. The boy is innocent.
Mel puts her hand on Stannis's arm, all sexy-like.
Mel: The Lord of Light CHERISHES the innocent, my king! There is no sacrifice more precious to him.
Davos: Wow. That is CREEPY AS FUCK.
Stannis: Well... it would be wonderous to see stone coming to life. I remember the dragon skills in Kings Landing as a child. Before my brother had them all hidden away.
Davos: I urge you not to even consider killing your nephew Edric! No man is more cursed than a kin-slayer.
Mel: You stay out of this, onion knight!
Davos: Why do you need Edric? Huh?
Mel: Only death can pay for life.
Davos: Oh, and how did that work out for Dany and Drogo?
Mel: Huh?
Davos: Yeah, that's what I thought... bitch.
Mel: Stannis! You saw what power a little blood did! Now imagine how powerful it will be if we sacrifice the boy!
Davos: You have no proof that Robb stark and Balon Greyjoy died because of your stupid-ass leeches. It was probably just a crazy coincidence. Besides, until Joffrey keels over and dies... you can't even pretend like your magic has anything to do with this.
Stannis: Indeed. You are short a king.
Mel: When Joffrey died... will that prove my god's power to you? Will you give me the boy then?
Stannis: It might. But it also might not.
Selyse: Don't let this onion knight trick you, husband.
Axell: Indeed. He's a fool. What you need is to burn the boy and--
Stannis: --ENOUGH! I've had ENOUGH of this BULLSHIT. Everyone OUT! Get out of here with your burning kids bullshit!
And so everyone starts to leave. Except Davos.
Stannis: DAVOS!!!! What are you still doing here?
Davos: I just wish to talk for a minute. You know Edric... he's, like, best friends with your daughter. They play together. Imagine how heartbroken she'll be if you burn him!
Stannis: Well maybe I'll burn her too.
Davos: What?
Stannis: Huh?
Davos: I thought you said--
Stannis: --HEY, just LAY OFF with this shit about the boy, okay?
Davos: His name is Edric Storm.
Stannis: I KNOW HIS DAMN NAME. Listen, chump... I am the King of an entire realm. Not the King of one boy. I must do what is best for the realm. That is my duty. Melisandre is convinced of my destiny. She says I am the prince that was promised. She says that I can wake a dragon. Imagine how easily I could fucking conquor King's Landing with a dragon! You know, it's not just Mel who has seen things in the flames. I have too. I saw a vision of a king with a crown of fire, burning him to ash. I saw a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around.
Davos: Freaky.
Stannis: What is the life of one bastard boy against an entire kingdom?
Davos: Everything!
Stannis: Okay. Wrong answer. Get the FUCK out of my face before I sacrifice YOU to the flames like Axell and everyone else wanted.
This time, Davos obeys the order to leave. He knows that he's walking a pretty thin line now with Stannis.
After he leaves, he runs into Saan.
Sallador: Hey hey, buddy! So, how'd it go with Stannis and that dragon thing?
Davos: I don't think he'll kill the boy.
Sallador: Good. Because if this mountain is made out of a dragon and it comes alive, I bet this castle will crumble apart with me in it. Forget that.
Davos: No. I mean I don't think he'll do it because he doesn't have it in him. He's not a kinslayer.
Sallador: Uhhh... what about Renly?
Davos: Ah... fuck. Good point.
Sallador: You know, when you were running around the island and talking about how you wanted to kill Mel because she was controlling the king... it's not like you were WRONG. People agree with you, man. Tons of people agree with you. Not everyone is in to this "lord of light" shit. You just needed to keep your cool and be quiet about it, man. Stop shouting about it.
Davos: Yeah, sorry about getting you mixed up in all that.
Sallador: Meh.
Next, Davos goes to see Maester Pylos. Pylos is trying to teach Davos how to read.
Pylos: It's easy! It's no harder than learning how to command a ship! Any decent Hand of the King has to learn to read! Here. Read this!
Davos: W-wh-while? Wh-
Pylos: "Wu."
Davos: Wu. Wu... tra... tre... tag...
Pylos: TANG.
Davos: Wu... Tang... ca... caa... cla...
Pylos: CLAN!
Davos: Wu Tang Clan an... ain... in...
Pylos: AIN'T! AIN'T!
Davos: Wu Tang Clain Ain't... no... nah... nuuuh...
Pylos: UGH. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL DAY.
Davos: Yes. I'm hopeless. I'm too lowborn and uneducated to learn to read. I should have never been made the Hand of the King.
Pylos: Now, now, Davos. That's not true at all. Many renowned scholars, knights and lords of high birth made TERRIBLE Hands of the King. And one of the Hands that was a simple blacksmith's son was one of the BEST Hands ever. I'll teach you to read, along with Edris, Shireen and your son Devan.
Davos: Oh yeah, right. Because I still have that one son alive. That's good!
And so Davos starts going to class with Pylos and the kids every day. Rather than going through every single lesson one at a time, we go through an exiting 1980s movie-style montage of Davos learning to read.
One day, the kids all leave for the day.
Davos: Man, that was a rough day. All that book learning was hard.
Pylos: It was "The Cat in the Hat." So it wasn't that bad.
Davos: I'm so tired of books. Do you have anything else that I can read? Something shorter.
Pylos: SURE! I think I have something right over here...
Pylos walks over to a pile labeled "CONVENIENTLY LOCATED LETTERS FROM RAVENS FROM THE PAST THAT ARE OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO THE STORY, BUT WERE PREVIOUSLY DISCARDED BY PEOPLE IN POWER BECAUSE THEY DID NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND OR VALUE THE CONTENT OF THOSE MESSAGES."
Pylos: Here you go, Davos. Read this.
Davos: Hrm. *ahem*... It says... "The nig-ight..."
Pylos: "Nights."
Davos: "The Night's Watch sends a war... a war... a warner... no, warning that the Ka... Ki... King Beyond the Wall is he... henk... head... heading south. He has an amy... am... no, army of wilding... wildlings... with him. Lord Con... comm... Commander Mormont is feared dead." HEY! Has Stannis seen this letter?
Pylos: No. I gave it to Alester when he was the Hand of the King, but he was like, "fuck it. We barely have enough men to help ourselves, let along help the Night's Watch." Then he threw it into this pile here.
Davos: Hrmmmm. What about Mel?
Pylos: Nope. Her neither.
Davos thinks back to the prophesies he was told by Mel. The coming of the cold. The night that never ends. And about Stannis's vision of a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around. He also remembers a story that Saan once old him about Azor Ahai... who tempered Lightbringer by thrusting it through his wife's heart. Is this prophecy coming true? Is Stannis Azor Ahai and is Edric Storm meant to be the sacrificer in place of the wife's heart? Is all this crazy shit on the wall related to these visions of snow?
Davos: You know what, I think I need to read a different letter.
Sallador: Oh yeah. So they took Robb Stark, right. And they cut his fucking head off with a hacksaw. And then they did the same to his wolf, Grey Wind. And then they sewed the wolf's head on HIS body. And then they put a crown on it and had him sit in a chair like that was his throne. And CAT STARK. Oh Jesus... they slit her neck right open and threw her ass in the river! IN THE RIVER! Like for alligators and shit!
Davos: I believe they're called "lion lizards" in this fictional universe.
Sallador: Whatever.
Davos: Come on... you don't beliee all this, do you? Sounds like exaggeration.
Sallador: No way man. It's all real! My buddies wouldn't lie. Those Freys and Boltons are some FUCKED UP sickos. I can't believe they flouted guest rights like that! Surely they're cursed for all of time!
Melisandre: It's a miracle! A miracle from R'hllor!
Queen Selyse: ALL PRAISE THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Axell Florent: PRAISE! A MIRACLE! A GIFT FROM OUR GREAT GOD!
Stannis: Really? You're going to say the LORD OF LIGHT killed Robb Stark? It sounds like WALDER FREY killed him to me.
Mel: The Lord of Light uses strange agents to carry out his will. Sometimes they need not even know they are used. But I can tell you that it is true. We burned three leeches for three kings... and--
Stannis: --and TWO have died, not three. Even I can count that fucking high, Mel.
Mel: Give it time, King Stannis.
Stannis: Time is not something I have plenty of. I need to get moving. I say we offer pardons for the remaining Starks and Greyjoys in return that they bend the knee to me. I need allies to defeat the Lannisters.
Mel: No! I have looked into the flames and I see that they will not bend the knee. Only more pretenders shall rise to claim your throne from them.
Stannis: *grumble*
Mel: You must show the realm your TRUE power.
Selyse: Yes, and for that my dear husband... you need DRAGONS!
Stannis: What? AGAIN with this dragon shit? STOP. Everybody else who has tried to "make" dragons before has failed. Need I tell you about the Tragedy at Summerhall?
Mel: None of the others who tried were willing to pay the true price to raise dragons. None were willing to sacrifice King's Blood! Give the boy to R'hllor and the prophecy will be fulfulled! Your dragon shall awaken and spread his stone wings!
Davos: The boy's name is EDRIC STORM. He's a person and not a sacrificial lamb.
Axell: No! You must do it, your majesty.
Selyse: His very birth was a curse on our marriage! He was conceived by your brother in a drunken stupor in the very wedding bed that was intended for our wedding night! He defiled our bed!
Stannis: Robert defiled our bed, woman. The boy is innocent.
Mel puts her hand on Stannis's arm, all sexy-like.
Mel: The Lord of Light CHERISHES the innocent, my king! There is no sacrifice more precious to him.
Davos: Wow. That is CREEPY AS FUCK.
Stannis: Well... it would be wonderous to see stone coming to life. I remember the dragon skills in Kings Landing as a child. Before my brother had them all hidden away.
Davos: I urge you not to even consider killing your nephew Edric! No man is more cursed than a kin-slayer.
Mel: You stay out of this, onion knight!
Davos: Why do you need Edric? Huh?
Mel: Only death can pay for life.
Davos: Oh, and how did that work out for Dany and Drogo?
Mel: Huh?
Davos: Yeah, that's what I thought... bitch.
Mel: Stannis! You saw what power a little blood did! Now imagine how powerful it will be if we sacrifice the boy!
Davos: You have no proof that Robb stark and Balon Greyjoy died because of your stupid-ass leeches. It was probably just a crazy coincidence. Besides, until Joffrey keels over and dies... you can't even pretend like your magic has anything to do with this.
Stannis: Indeed. You are short a king.
Mel: When Joffrey died... will that prove my god's power to you? Will you give me the boy then?
Stannis: It might. But it also might not.
Selyse: Don't let this onion knight trick you, husband.
Axell: Indeed. He's a fool. What you need is to burn the boy and--
Stannis: --ENOUGH! I've had ENOUGH of this BULLSHIT. Everyone OUT! Get out of here with your burning kids bullshit!
And so everyone starts to leave. Except Davos.
Stannis: DAVOS!!!! What are you still doing here?
Davos: I just wish to talk for a minute. You know Edric... he's, like, best friends with your daughter. They play together. Imagine how heartbroken she'll be if you burn him!
Stannis: Well maybe I'll burn her too.
Davos: What?
Stannis: Huh?
Davos: I thought you said--
Stannis: --HEY, just LAY OFF with this shit about the boy, okay?
Davos: His name is Edric Storm.
Stannis: I KNOW HIS DAMN NAME. Listen, chump... I am the King of an entire realm. Not the King of one boy. I must do what is best for the realm. That is my duty. Melisandre is convinced of my destiny. She says I am the prince that was promised. She says that I can wake a dragon. Imagine how easily I could fucking conquor King's Landing with a dragon! You know, it's not just Mel who has seen things in the flames. I have too. I saw a vision of a king with a crown of fire, burning him to ash. I saw a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around.
Davos: Freaky.
Stannis: What is the life of one bastard boy against an entire kingdom?
Davos: Everything!
Stannis: Okay. Wrong answer. Get the FUCK out of my face before I sacrifice YOU to the flames like Axell and everyone else wanted.
This time, Davos obeys the order to leave. He knows that he's walking a pretty thin line now with Stannis.
After he leaves, he runs into Saan.
Sallador: Hey hey, buddy! So, how'd it go with Stannis and that dragon thing?
Davos: I don't think he'll kill the boy.
Sallador: Good. Because if this mountain is made out of a dragon and it comes alive, I bet this castle will crumble apart with me in it. Forget that.
Davos: No. I mean I don't think he'll do it because he doesn't have it in him. He's not a kinslayer.
Sallador: Uhhh... what about Renly?
Davos: Ah... fuck. Good point.
Sallador: You know, when you were running around the island and talking about how you wanted to kill Mel because she was controlling the king... it's not like you were WRONG. People agree with you, man. Tons of people agree with you. Not everyone is in to this "lord of light" shit. You just needed to keep your cool and be quiet about it, man. Stop shouting about it.
Davos: Yeah, sorry about getting you mixed up in all that.
Sallador: Meh.
Next, Davos goes to see Maester Pylos. Pylos is trying to teach Davos how to read.
Pylos: It's easy! It's no harder than learning how to command a ship! Any decent Hand of the King has to learn to read! Here. Read this!
Davos: W-wh-while? Wh-
Pylos: "Wu."
Davos: Wu. Wu... tra... tre... tag...
Pylos: TANG.
Davos: Wu... Tang... ca... caa... cla...
Pylos: CLAN!
Davos: Wu Tang Clan an... ain... in...
Pylos: AIN'T! AIN'T!
Davos: Wu Tang Clain Ain't... no... nah... nuuuh...
Pylos: UGH. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL DAY.
Davos: Yes. I'm hopeless. I'm too lowborn and uneducated to learn to read. I should have never been made the Hand of the King.
Pylos: Now, now, Davos. That's not true at all. Many renowned scholars, knights and lords of high birth made TERRIBLE Hands of the King. And one of the Hands that was a simple blacksmith's son was one of the BEST Hands ever. I'll teach you to read, along with Edris, Shireen and your son Devan.
Davos: Oh yeah, right. Because I still have that one son alive. That's good!
And so Davos starts going to class with Pylos and the kids every day. Rather than going through every single lesson one at a time, we go through an exiting 1980s movie-style montage of Davos learning to read.
One day, the kids all leave for the day.
Davos: Man, that was a rough day. All that book learning was hard.
Pylos: It was "The Cat in the Hat." So it wasn't that bad.
Davos: I'm so tired of books. Do you have anything else that I can read? Something shorter.
Pylos: SURE! I think I have something right over here...
Pylos walks over to a pile labeled "CONVENIENTLY LOCATED LETTERS FROM RAVENS FROM THE PAST THAT ARE OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO THE STORY, BUT WERE PREVIOUSLY DISCARDED BY PEOPLE IN POWER BECAUSE THEY DID NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND OR VALUE THE CONTENT OF THOSE MESSAGES."
Pylos: Here you go, Davos. Read this.
Davos: Hrm. *ahem*... It says... "The nig-ight..."
Pylos: "Nights."
Davos: "The Night's Watch sends a war... a war... a warner... no, warning that the Ka... Ki... King Beyond the Wall is he... henk... head... heading south. He has an amy... am... no, army of wilding... wildlings... with him. Lord Con... comm... Commander Mormont is feared dead." HEY! Has Stannis seen this letter?
Pylos: No. I gave it to Alester when he was the Hand of the King, but he was like, "fuck it. We barely have enough men to help ourselves, let along help the Night's Watch." Then he threw it into this pile here.
Davos: Hrmmmm. What about Mel?
Pylos: Nope. Her neither.
Davos thinks back to the prophesies he was told by Mel. The coming of the cold. The night that never ends. And about Stannis's vision of a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around. He also remembers a story that Saan once old him about Azor Ahai... who tempered Lightbringer by thrusting it through his wife's heart. Is this prophecy coming true? Is Stannis Azor Ahai and is Edric Storm meant to be the sacrificer in place of the wife's heart? Is all this crazy shit on the wall related to these visions of snow?
Davos: You know what, I think I need to read a different letter.
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