Jeyne Westerling runs after King Robb Stark after he departs, on his way from Riverrun to the Twins. He’s both touched by her love, and also sort of embarrassed that she didn’t obey him and stay behind.
Robb: Girl, you needy as shit. But you can’t come?
Jeyne: But I want to come with you! I get to come with you in the TV show!
Robb: No. It’s some other girl in the TV show named “Talisa.” So just forget about that. Look babe, I’ll be back soon. I promise. Then I can put lots of babies in you.
And so they continue on the long march to the Twins. It’s rainy and crappy. Cat is happy because now that Jeyne is gone, Robb is hanging out with Grey Wind again.
Cat: Bringing Jeyne was a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation. It would be an insult to the Freys to bring her as well as an insult NOT to bring her. The Freys are assholes like that. But you know who I’m sad is being left behind and not coming with us? My uncle, the Blackfish. But I guess someone has got to stay behind and defend Riverrun while Edmure is getting married.
Robb: Jesus mom, why are you making a big point about who exactly is and isn’t coming on this rainy march to the Twins?
Cat: Oh, you know. Just for stock-taking reasons I want to make sure we’re all aware who is coming down, and that our party includes you, me, Edmure, Grey Wind, Wendel Manderly, the Greatjon, the Smalljon, Galbert Glover, Marq Piper, Maege Mormont, Dacey Mormont, Donnel Locke, Owen Norrey, Robin Flint, Lucas Blackwood, Rayland Westerling, and a bunch of other people who are forgettable and don’t get names.
Robb: Uhhhh. Okay.
And so they keep going. It’s rough travel and they start to get depressed. Nobody is more mopey and annoying than Edmure.
Edmure: Ugh. This is going to be the worst. I bet the girl I have to marry is going to be UGLY AF. Some of those Freys are hideous, pox-faced abominations.
Cat: SHUT UP, EDMURE! Your spouse’s attractiveness should be the LEAST of your concerns. You should hope that bitch has nice, wide, birthing hips. That’s what’s most important. I didn’t think Eddard was that handsome when I first met him either, but I had to go through with it anyway and I grew to love him.
Robb: Such a romantic story about dad. Thanks, mom.
Edmure: Geez. You going through menopause, sis? Way to fucking snap at me for no reason.
And so Edmure pulls his horse away from his sister and tries to avoid her for the rest of the trip.
After five days, they reach the bridges at Blue Fork. Or at least where they USED to be.
Robb: FUCK! They’re gone. How are we going to cross the river now?
Edmure: How about we attempt to ford the river?
Cat: NO! NO! STOP! Before this goes any further… STOP THIS. Every time we have a chapter where someone needs to cross a river… we make the SAME DAMN OREGON TRAIL JOKES! I will not have this happen again! STOP IT, RIGHT NOW!
And so instead of fording the river, they realize that they have to go around it. But this will force them to add several days to their journey. They’re going to get to the Twins really, really, really late.
Cat: Shit. Yet another thing that Walder Frey will take as an insult.
Robb: I’ll add it to the list of things I need to apologize to him about. I guess. I wonder if Lord Bolton will get there before us. He was supposed to join us. If he couldn’t cross the river before these rains started up… he might be stuck on the other side, just like us. *sigh*… This is really delaying my plans to team up with him and go north after the Wedding.
Cat: North? Why are you heading North?
But her son doesn’t answer her.
Eight more days pass as they go around the river. There they reach Oldstones. You know, as in Jenny of Oldstones who just got introduced as a character from the past a few chapters ago. You see how these books work? Just a series of coincidences and conveniently timed pieces of plot devices that fall on one another. FUN!
Robb: So what the hell is Oldstones exactly?
Cat: It’s original name is lost to history. It was once the seat of the House Mudd, which united the Riverlands back in the days of the First Men. Back in the day, the Kings used to rule from here. The King of the Rivers and the Hills. This here is the tomb of King Tristifer IV. It was right around when the Andals came over. I once camped her as a child with my dad and Petyr Baelish and… uhm… ermm… maybe I shouldn’t talk about that.
Robb: All this talk of old kings makes me think about my legacy as a king. You know, Jeyne is not with child yet. What would happen if I were to die?
Cat: DON’T SAY THAT! I’m sure Jeyne will be with child soon. And the gods would never allow you to be taken from me. Not you too! After all the others they have already taken.
Robb: Still… I need an heir in place. Bran and Rickon are dead. Arya is probably too. Sansa is married to the Imp, so she’s as good as dead. As soon as she gives birth to a child… you know see will be murdered.
Cat: You’re not making me feel any better. Still… I suppose if you had to have an heir, it would have to be a distant, far off relative like—
Robb: --Jon Snow.
Cat: W…what?
Robb: You heard me. He’s my half brother. Ned Stark’s son. I will name him as my heir.
Cat: THE HELL YOU WILL! He’s a BASTARD. And he’s joined the Night’s Watch!
Robb: LISTEN WOMAN, I’m you’re KING. You will not question my decisions. Bastards can be made legitimate by royal decree. And I plan to do just that. And surely the Night’s Watch will release him once they’re told that he will be… oh… you know… HEIR to the very Kingdom of the North that protects and supplies them.
Cat: I… I… I…
Cat doesn’t know what to say. This bitch HATES Jon Snow with a passion.
Cat: I cannot support you in this folly!
Robb: Oh, well it’s a good thing that I don’t need your support and don’t care whether I have it or not. Now get the fuck out of my face.
So just like she’s pissed off her brother Edmure, now she’s pissed off her son. She has so few people left… and she seems to be ostracizing them all. Things are not going well and the weather continues to get worse.
Eventually, Lord Jason Mallister and his son, Patrek Mallister, arrive.
Cat: Oooh! Something to do! I can update the list of people on this party to include them.
Lord Jason Mallister: King Stark, greetings. I have come to you with a sea captain who has been trapped at Lordsport on Pyke. He brings news that Balon Greyjoy is dead. He was on this castle bridge and it blew away in a storm. He drowned. Pretty ironic, huh?
Robb: Whaaaaaaat? OH MAN!
Jason: And not long after Balon died, his brother Euron showed up and claimed the throne. In all the chaos and confusion, the ship captain was able to escape.
Robb: Sounds like a pretty big coincidence.
Jason: Indeed. The type of coincidence that the books will try to hint around. But that the show will be like, “well, it’s obvious that Euron murdered him. So instead of hinting around it, we’ll just be direct and not even have Euron pretend like he didn’t do it.” Sort of like how the books introduces Ser Robert Strong as a new "mystery" character and the show is just like, "Yeah, it's the Mountain. You're not morons. You know this."
Robb: Doesn’t Balon have another brother, Victarion? He’s been attacking us along the coast. But now… he’ll have no choice but to retreat back to Pyke if he wants to challenge Euron’s claim to the throne. I hear they have this crazy thing called a “Kingsmoot” where every possible claimant to the throne has to show up if they want to be the next king. And the same goes for Theon and his sister, Asha. If the Iron Born retreat back to Pyke, we’ll have an even better chance of taking back the North from them and defending my kingdom. Sweet.
Jason: Sounds like you’re brainstorming some sort of battle plan, huh?
Robb: Indeed, Lord Mallister. I have all sorts of cool ideas for what I will do AFTER THIS WEDDING. Jason, I want you to sail to the Greywater Watch. Take Maege Mormont and Galbart Glover with you.
Maege Mormont: Aww! What a shame! I really wanted to go to this wedding.
Galbart Glover: Yeah, me too. What a COMPLETE SHAME that we don’t get to go.
Robb: There, at Greywater Watch, I want you to get in touch with my dad’s bestest friend, Howland Reed. But you’ll also need to give him this SECRET NOTE that tells him that I am legitimizing Jon Snow and making him my heir to the North. You know, just so that he knows my plans. Soon, after I’m done at this Wedding, I’ll loop around and meet up with Howland Reed and our forces will march together. He knows the Neck like nobody else. He can lead our combined forced through the neck and we can attack Moat Cailin. The Iron Born’s defenses of the Moat will likely be greatly reduced by their leaders traveling back to Pyke for the Kingsmoot. I’ll attack from the North. But that will just be a distraction, because I’ll have the combined forces of Roose Bolton and the Greatjon with me. And they’ll attack from the South.
Jason: Wow! This sounds like a great battle plan for a battle which will definitely happen in the future!
Robb: Yes, that’s right, Jason. It will happen in the future. After the wedding.
Jason: Correct. This is a thing you will do after the wedding you are going to.
Everyone looks at each other and agrees that this is a great plan. Robb is really good at these battle plan things.
Robb: Oh, and mom. I’m really fucking tired of your bullshit. So you’re not going with me to Moat Cailin.
Cat: WHAT?!
Robb: After the Wedding, I’m sending you off with Lord Mallister. You’ll hang out with him at his castle, Seagard.
Cat: Is… is this some sort of punishment?
Robb: Yeah. Kind of.
Cat: If you don’t want me with you… at least send me back to Riverrun!
Robb: And have my mom and my wife at the same place? Nah. Too risky. If the Lannisters attack, then I’ll lose you both. To Seagard it is for you! But, you know… after the Wedding.
Cat: Ugh. I’m really not looking forward to what happens after this wedding.
Good. You won’t have to.
Cat: What was that, narrator?
Nothing. Never mind.
And so Maege and Galbart leave to go meet with Howland Reed. Eventually.
Maege: Well, this book came out in 2000. Surely we've reached there by now, since this is being written in 2018.
No.
Galbart: What do you mean "No"? We have a signed letter from the King, saying who his heir is! Surely we're going to show up again! We can't just leave this plot point hanging! And why have we still never introduced Howland Reed into the story! We only see him in flashbacks to the past! He was there at the Tower of Joy and knows (a) that Jon Snow is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne, and (b) that he's also now ALSO the legitimate heir to be King in the North.
Maege: YEAH! We need to totally show up again!
Maybe.
Robb: Girl, you needy as shit. But you can’t come?
Jeyne: But I want to come with you! I get to come with you in the TV show!
Robb: No. It’s some other girl in the TV show named “Talisa.” So just forget about that. Look babe, I’ll be back soon. I promise. Then I can put lots of babies in you.
And so they continue on the long march to the Twins. It’s rainy and crappy. Cat is happy because now that Jeyne is gone, Robb is hanging out with Grey Wind again.
Cat: Bringing Jeyne was a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation. It would be an insult to the Freys to bring her as well as an insult NOT to bring her. The Freys are assholes like that. But you know who I’m sad is being left behind and not coming with us? My uncle, the Blackfish. But I guess someone has got to stay behind and defend Riverrun while Edmure is getting married.
Robb: Jesus mom, why are you making a big point about who exactly is and isn’t coming on this rainy march to the Twins?
Cat: Oh, you know. Just for stock-taking reasons I want to make sure we’re all aware who is coming down, and that our party includes you, me, Edmure, Grey Wind, Wendel Manderly, the Greatjon, the Smalljon, Galbert Glover, Marq Piper, Maege Mormont, Dacey Mormont, Donnel Locke, Owen Norrey, Robin Flint, Lucas Blackwood, Rayland Westerling, and a bunch of other people who are forgettable and don’t get names.
Robb: Uhhhh. Okay.
And so they keep going. It’s rough travel and they start to get depressed. Nobody is more mopey and annoying than Edmure.
Edmure: Ugh. This is going to be the worst. I bet the girl I have to marry is going to be UGLY AF. Some of those Freys are hideous, pox-faced abominations.
Cat: SHUT UP, EDMURE! Your spouse’s attractiveness should be the LEAST of your concerns. You should hope that bitch has nice, wide, birthing hips. That’s what’s most important. I didn’t think Eddard was that handsome when I first met him either, but I had to go through with it anyway and I grew to love him.
Robb: Such a romantic story about dad. Thanks, mom.
Edmure: Geez. You going through menopause, sis? Way to fucking snap at me for no reason.
And so Edmure pulls his horse away from his sister and tries to avoid her for the rest of the trip.
After five days, they reach the bridges at Blue Fork. Or at least where they USED to be.
Robb: FUCK! They’re gone. How are we going to cross the river now?
Edmure: How about we attempt to ford the river?
Cat: NO! NO! STOP! Before this goes any further… STOP THIS. Every time we have a chapter where someone needs to cross a river… we make the SAME DAMN OREGON TRAIL JOKES! I will not have this happen again! STOP IT, RIGHT NOW!
And so instead of fording the river, they realize that they have to go around it. But this will force them to add several days to their journey. They’re going to get to the Twins really, really, really late.
Cat: Shit. Yet another thing that Walder Frey will take as an insult.
Robb: I’ll add it to the list of things I need to apologize to him about. I guess. I wonder if Lord Bolton will get there before us. He was supposed to join us. If he couldn’t cross the river before these rains started up… he might be stuck on the other side, just like us. *sigh*… This is really delaying my plans to team up with him and go north after the Wedding.
Cat: North? Why are you heading North?
But her son doesn’t answer her.
Eight more days pass as they go around the river. There they reach Oldstones. You know, as in Jenny of Oldstones who just got introduced as a character from the past a few chapters ago. You see how these books work? Just a series of coincidences and conveniently timed pieces of plot devices that fall on one another. FUN!
Robb: So what the hell is Oldstones exactly?
Cat: It’s original name is lost to history. It was once the seat of the House Mudd, which united the Riverlands back in the days of the First Men. Back in the day, the Kings used to rule from here. The King of the Rivers and the Hills. This here is the tomb of King Tristifer IV. It was right around when the Andals came over. I once camped her as a child with my dad and Petyr Baelish and… uhm… ermm… maybe I shouldn’t talk about that.
Robb: All this talk of old kings makes me think about my legacy as a king. You know, Jeyne is not with child yet. What would happen if I were to die?
Cat: DON’T SAY THAT! I’m sure Jeyne will be with child soon. And the gods would never allow you to be taken from me. Not you too! After all the others they have already taken.
Robb: Still… I need an heir in place. Bran and Rickon are dead. Arya is probably too. Sansa is married to the Imp, so she’s as good as dead. As soon as she gives birth to a child… you know see will be murdered.
Cat: You’re not making me feel any better. Still… I suppose if you had to have an heir, it would have to be a distant, far off relative like—
Robb: --Jon Snow.
Cat: W…what?
Robb: You heard me. He’s my half brother. Ned Stark’s son. I will name him as my heir.
Cat: THE HELL YOU WILL! He’s a BASTARD. And he’s joined the Night’s Watch!
Robb: LISTEN WOMAN, I’m you’re KING. You will not question my decisions. Bastards can be made legitimate by royal decree. And I plan to do just that. And surely the Night’s Watch will release him once they’re told that he will be… oh… you know… HEIR to the very Kingdom of the North that protects and supplies them.
Cat: I… I… I…
Cat doesn’t know what to say. This bitch HATES Jon Snow with a passion.
Cat: I cannot support you in this folly!
Robb: Oh, well it’s a good thing that I don’t need your support and don’t care whether I have it or not. Now get the fuck out of my face.
So just like she’s pissed off her brother Edmure, now she’s pissed off her son. She has so few people left… and she seems to be ostracizing them all. Things are not going well and the weather continues to get worse.
Eventually, Lord Jason Mallister and his son, Patrek Mallister, arrive.
Cat: Oooh! Something to do! I can update the list of people on this party to include them.
Lord Jason Mallister: King Stark, greetings. I have come to you with a sea captain who has been trapped at Lordsport on Pyke. He brings news that Balon Greyjoy is dead. He was on this castle bridge and it blew away in a storm. He drowned. Pretty ironic, huh?
Robb: Whaaaaaaat? OH MAN!
Jason: And not long after Balon died, his brother Euron showed up and claimed the throne. In all the chaos and confusion, the ship captain was able to escape.
Robb: Sounds like a pretty big coincidence.
Jason: Indeed. The type of coincidence that the books will try to hint around. But that the show will be like, “well, it’s obvious that Euron murdered him. So instead of hinting around it, we’ll just be direct and not even have Euron pretend like he didn’t do it.” Sort of like how the books introduces Ser Robert Strong as a new "mystery" character and the show is just like, "Yeah, it's the Mountain. You're not morons. You know this."
Robb: Doesn’t Balon have another brother, Victarion? He’s been attacking us along the coast. But now… he’ll have no choice but to retreat back to Pyke if he wants to challenge Euron’s claim to the throne. I hear they have this crazy thing called a “Kingsmoot” where every possible claimant to the throne has to show up if they want to be the next king. And the same goes for Theon and his sister, Asha. If the Iron Born retreat back to Pyke, we’ll have an even better chance of taking back the North from them and defending my kingdom. Sweet.
Jason: Sounds like you’re brainstorming some sort of battle plan, huh?
Robb: Indeed, Lord Mallister. I have all sorts of cool ideas for what I will do AFTER THIS WEDDING. Jason, I want you to sail to the Greywater Watch. Take Maege Mormont and Galbart Glover with you.
Maege Mormont: Aww! What a shame! I really wanted to go to this wedding.
Galbart Glover: Yeah, me too. What a COMPLETE SHAME that we don’t get to go.
Robb: There, at Greywater Watch, I want you to get in touch with my dad’s bestest friend, Howland Reed. But you’ll also need to give him this SECRET NOTE that tells him that I am legitimizing Jon Snow and making him my heir to the North. You know, just so that he knows my plans. Soon, after I’m done at this Wedding, I’ll loop around and meet up with Howland Reed and our forces will march together. He knows the Neck like nobody else. He can lead our combined forced through the neck and we can attack Moat Cailin. The Iron Born’s defenses of the Moat will likely be greatly reduced by their leaders traveling back to Pyke for the Kingsmoot. I’ll attack from the North. But that will just be a distraction, because I’ll have the combined forces of Roose Bolton and the Greatjon with me. And they’ll attack from the South.
Jason: Wow! This sounds like a great battle plan for a battle which will definitely happen in the future!
Robb: Yes, that’s right, Jason. It will happen in the future. After the wedding.
Jason: Correct. This is a thing you will do after the wedding you are going to.
Everyone looks at each other and agrees that this is a great plan. Robb is really good at these battle plan things.
Robb: Oh, and mom. I’m really fucking tired of your bullshit. So you’re not going with me to Moat Cailin.
Cat: WHAT?!
Robb: After the Wedding, I’m sending you off with Lord Mallister. You’ll hang out with him at his castle, Seagard.
Cat: Is… is this some sort of punishment?
Robb: Yeah. Kind of.
Cat: If you don’t want me with you… at least send me back to Riverrun!
Robb: And have my mom and my wife at the same place? Nah. Too risky. If the Lannisters attack, then I’ll lose you both. To Seagard it is for you! But, you know… after the Wedding.
Cat: Ugh. I’m really not looking forward to what happens after this wedding.
Good. You won’t have to.
Cat: What was that, narrator?
Nothing. Never mind.
And so Maege and Galbart leave to go meet with Howland Reed. Eventually.
Maege: Well, this book came out in 2000. Surely we've reached there by now, since this is being written in 2018.
No.
Galbart: What do you mean "No"? We have a signed letter from the King, saying who his heir is! Surely we're going to show up again! We can't just leave this plot point hanging! And why have we still never introduced Howland Reed into the story! We only see him in flashbacks to the past! He was there at the Tower of Joy and knows (a) that Jon Snow is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne, and (b) that he's also now ALSO the legitimate heir to be King in the North.
Maege: YEAH! We need to totally show up again!
Maybe.
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