Saturday, August 4, 2018

ASoS 43: Arya VIII

The Brotherhood without Banners makes camp for the night on High Heart.

Arya: Hey! We were just here a few chapters ago.

Harwin: Yes, well we’re back now.

While everyone else is using the campfire they made to roast marshmallows for s’mores, Thoros is staring into the fire and trying to see visions. But he’s not having any luck.

Gendry: You know, my old master said you’re a fucking fraud. That’s why you can’t see anything.

Thoros: Rude. Who is your old master?

Gendry: Tobho Mott. You used to buy swords from him for tournaments so that you could put wildfire on them and set them ablaze.

Thoros: Oh, haha. Yeah. I remember that dude. You know what? Your old master is right. Or at least he used to be. I was a bad priest. I was a false priest. Which is sort of why I was exiled out of Myr and to Westeros. King Robert used to love my flaming swords and magic tricks. But that’s all they were. Tricks. I wasn’t really religious. But now the Lord of Light has touched me and I am true. I don’t need to rely on any tricks with wildfire that destroys swords.

Beric: Aye, it’s true. Fire destroys. Six times is too many.

Thoros: What are we talking about? Is six the number of swords from Tobho that I destroyed? OH NO… I get it. You’re talking about YOURSELF again and your resurrections. Geez, everything has to be about you… huh?

Thoros keeps trying to see into the flames.

But then the Ghost of High Heart / that old Witch from the last time they were in High Heart shows up.


Witch: Dumbass. You can’t see visions from your Red God here. The High Heart is a place sacred to the Old Gods. They rule here.

Thoros: Fair point, I guess.

Arya: Hey witch! I remember you from last time! Weren’t you begging to hear songs from Tom o Sevens and stuff? Or sexually harassing Lem or something like that? I forget.

Witch: Ah yes, that sounds about right. Give me some sugar, Lem.

Lem: UGH. GROSS. NO. GO AWAY, YOU OLD HAG.

Witch: I see you have brought His Grace, the Lord of Corpses with you this time.

Beric: I’m sitting right here. That’s a messed up thing to call me to my face.

Witch:
So… you want some prophesies or some shit?

Thoros: Yes. That is why I was looking into the flames. But as you said… that apparently won’t work here.

Witch: Yet I am one with the Old Gods, so I can tell you prophesies. But it will cost you! A KISS FROM LEM!

Lem: GROSS! I SAID NO!

Witch: Okay then. A song.

Tom o Sevens is asleep. So they kick him awake.

Tom: OW! Hey!

Lem: Sing that song before I have to make out with his old hag here.

Tom: Which song?

Witch: Play that sweet-ass song about Jenny of Oldstones.

And so Tom plays the song as a form of payment to the Witch. He really wonders why this old witch likes that song so much.

Witch: Ah, very good. Now I will say some vague prophesies… okay? *ahem*… Balon Greyjoy just died and soon all the Ironborn will have a civil war to figure out who the new leader is. Hoster Tully died too, but that occurred in a past chapter so I’ll specifically point out that is old, rather than new, information. Vargo Hoat awaits Gregor Clegane in Harrenhal. Grey Wind will howl but Robb will be unable to hear him because he’s just been murdered at the Red Wedding. Also, Aegon “Jinglebell” Frey gets his neck sliced open too but nobody cares about that. Sansa Stark will wear a hairnet that contains dark purple amethysts at Joffrey's wedding feast, and those will actually be “the Strangler” poison that will kill him.

Thoros: Wow, those were all pretty specific. They weren’t vague at all.

Arya: *snore*… Huh? What… oh… sorry. I dozed off there for a minute. Did that Witch mention anything interesting?

Beric:
Uhh… you know what, Arya. Perhaps it’s good that you dozed off there. I’d really prefer the Ghost of High Heart not repeat those things to you.

Thoros:
Got anything else that’s more cryptic or an unresolved prophecy?

Witch: Here’s a doozy for you… Sansa will also slay a savage giant in a castle built of snow.

Beric: Hrm, that one actually is interesting and I don’t think corresponds to anything that has happened yet in the books or show. Anyone got some theories?

Lem: Uhm… Ramsey Bolton? She kills Ramsey, right?

Beric: Well, that’s TV show only. In the books she never marries Ramsey Bolton. So I doubt it’s that. And while Ramsey certainly is savage, I’m not sure what the giant part might refer to.

Hawin: What about Littlefinger? He’s certainly savage because, as will be revealed, he pretty much started this whole war thing. And the sigil of the House Baelish is the Titan of Braavos, which is a giant. And up the current spot of writing in the books – Sansa is still with Baelish at the Vale.

Beric: Hrm. Yes. That’s good. That’s a really good theory there. I like that one.

Tom: But is the Vale really a “castle built of snow?” I mean I know it’s on a mountain… but that doesn’t seem right.

Beric: Hrmmmm.

Lem: Hey, speaking of the Vale and castles built of snow… wasn’t there some scene where Sansa and young Robert Arryn are together and Robert smashes her snow castle that she made in a petty little fit using his doll! Then Sansa rips of the doll’s head. That could be her “slaying the giant in the castle built of snow.”

Beric:
Yes, true! That does happen! Another great theory! Is this one the winner?

Thoros: It might be. But that’s a bit anticlimactic. All these other witch prophecies are about fairly important book moments. Is Robert Arryn breaking Sansa’s snow castle and her pulling the head off his doll really one of those moments worthy of prophesy?

Beric: I don’t know. Maybe. Perhaps the very nature of prophecy means that the Ghost of High Heart can see both things that are super important, as well as mundane things like that. And it’s for us to sort out what parts of “prophecy” are important or not.

Arya: What the hell are you weirdos talking about?

Witch: *sniff*sniff*… I smell death!

Beric: HEY! Still sitting right here, ya know?

Witch: But no… it was you… wolf girl… YOU ARE THE BRINGER OF DEATH! I have not felt the presence of death this much since the TRAGEDY OF SUMMERHALL. You know, which happened the same day that this great grandson, RHAEGAR was born. You know, I just happened to be a Woods Witch that made a prophecy about the PRINCE THAT WAS PROMISED being born, descended from the Targaryen line. I visited Summerhall and told King Aegon V, aka “Egg”, about this prophecy. I went there with my good old friend, Jenny of Oldstones, who that song which Tom sung is about. Hence why I requested it.

Thoros:
Hrmm. I fell like that Summerhall event was just introduced last chapter.

Arya: Forget that Summerhall shit That’s boring. Let’s talk about me. Bringer of Death? Now I’m getting interested. Is this one of those vague prophecies or a specific one?

Witch: You will become an assassin for the Many-Faced God out in Braavos.

Arya: Oh, cool. So we’re going with specific prophesies again then, huh?

Witch:
Get this accursed girl out of my face, Beric! I want none of her evil killing around me.

Beric: Yeah, yeah yeah. We’re leaving soon. Don’t get your panties twisted, you old hag. We’re taking Arya to Riverrun to give her to her mom. You know, in return for bribe money. Because that’s how we roll.

Witch: If it is to return the girl to her mother you wish to do… Riverrun is not where you must go! The girl’s mother goes to the Twins for a wedding!

Beric: Huh?

Thoros: Well, maybe we should double check that info. Can we really trust a crazy old woods witch for stuff like that?

It rains that night, and several in the camp get chills.  The next morning, they head to what appears to be a long-abandoned village for shelter. Arya is bored and starts talking to a kid named Ned.

Ned: Hey.

Arya: Oh hey. You have my dad’s name. Are you named after him?

Ned: Maybe, although my full name is “Edric” rather than “Eddard” like your dad.

Arya: Have you been here the whole time?

Ned: Yeah. Just assume I’ve been traveling with Beric this whole time, even though I’ve never really been mentioned before. I’m Beric’s squire, Edric Dayne of Starfall.

Arya: Oh cool. A squire? I bet you’ve killed like tons of people then, huh?

Ned: WHAT?! I’m 12 years old! Of COURSE I haven’t killed anyone, you wierdo!

Arya: Dude, I’m younger than you and I’ve killed like 20 people already.

Ned: WHAT?!

Ayra: Oh, I guess you’re not an important Dayne then if you don't kill people. I had heard that all the Dayne people were all cool warriors or something. You must just be some minor Dayne supporting character

Ned: I’m actually the LORD OF STARFALL and head of House Dayne.

Arya: Ah.

Ned: Oh hey – you have a bastard half-brother named “Jon,” right?

Arya: I sure do! He’s the best.

Ned: Me and him are milk brothers, ya know?

Arya: What is a milk brother?

Ned: Oh, it means that we drank milk from the same boobies. My mom’s teets were all dry. So I was breastfed by Jon’s mother, Wylla.

Arya: WHAT! JON’S MOTHER?!

Ned: Yeah! EVERYBODY knows that! Jon Snow’s mom was a girl named Wylla. She was one of the servants at Starfall. 

Arya: Holy crap! This is IMPORTANT INFORMATION! I need to remember this for the next time I see Jon.

Ned: Yeah, your dad used to hang out with us Daynes a lot. It was all before I was born though. Obviously there was a falling out, what with your dad killing my uncle Arther Dayne, AKA the Sword of the Morning. Which was super messed up because he was in love with my Aunt, Ashara.

Arya:
WHAT?!

Ned: Oh yeah. Your dad and my Aunt Ashara were both in love with each other. They fell in love when they met at the Tournament of Harrenhal. But she threw herself out of a window in grief because your dad killed her brother later at the Tower of Joy.

Arya: NO WAY! That’s not true! My dad loved my mom and my mom only! He’s an honorable man who would never love another woman!

Gendry: Hey Arya, not to but into your conversation… but your dad clearly fathered a bastard, so… you know… I don’t think you really want to stick to your guns with that argument.

Arya:
SHUT UP, GENDRY! NOBODY ASKED YOU! You’re not even part of this conversation. You’re stupid anyway because you’re leaving me to stay with these stupid outlaws. You’re both liars and you’re stupid! I HATE YOU ALL!

Arya runs away. She does this a lot. Get used to it, because it will happen again soon.

Harwin: Oh hey Arya, I see you sulking and being a little whiny bitch. What’s up?

Arya:
That stupid lying boy Ned was talking shit about my dad. He said that he was in love with Ashara Dayne. STUPID LIAR. And he says that my dad made her KILL HERSELF.

Harwin: Oh, I’ve heard that story too.

Arya: WHAT?!

Harwin: Look Arya, it was a long time ago. It’s been a rumor for a while. It might be true or it might not be true. And so what if it is true?  Remember that your mom, Cat, used to be engaged to your father’s brother.  Your father met Ashara Dayne at Harrenhal, which would have been when his brother was still alive and he was the one betrothed to Lady Catelyn. Ned’s honor would still be intact. And while it’s true that Ashara killed herself… it was because of grief from her brother’s death. Look… uhm… when we return you to your mom, it’s best not to mention any of this to her. It’s a really touchy subject. We already knows she goes into super bitch mode whenever Jon Snow is brought up. Best not to dwell on stuff like that again or she’ll flip her fucking lid.

Arya then checks on what Thoros is doing. He’s staring into a fire.
Thoros:
I couldn’t see a vision in the flames when I was at High Heart, but now I can see visions clearly. The Lannisters are marching on Riverrun. It will be under siege soon!

Arya: OH NO! My mom and brother are there.

Thoros: I think not. I saw neither your mother nor brother in the flames. I do not believe them to be at Riverrun. It’s either that or I don’t see them in the flames because THEY HAVE NO FUTURES. It could go either way.

Beric: Hrm. Thoros, your visions seem consistent with what the Witch was saying. If the Lannisters are heading to Riverrun, we should avoid that place.

Harwin: Indeed. They would like nothing more than to get you, Lord Beric. You’ve been the biggest pain in their side.

Beric:
Correct! And I refuse to be taken al… uhm… er…

Everyone gets quiet.


Thoros:


Lem:

Harwin:

Tom:

Arya: ALIVE? Were you going to say, “I refuse to be taken ALIVE?”  Hahaha… that’s FUNNY. Because I’m not actually sure you ARE alive. Right? Get it? Because you’re like an undead zombie person now!

Beric: I fucking hate you, Arya.

Tom:
Going back to the vision… perhaps Lady Stark and King Robb are no longer in Riverrun.

Lem:
What? Are you saying that we should go to the Twins instead? WHY? Based on some prophesy?

Thoros: It’s hard to tell. You know how these visions go.

Beric: Maybe Lady Smallwood will have heard more. We shall go back to her and see what she knows.

Arya: UGH. Lady Smallwood again and all of those stupid outfits she made me put on with Acorns on them? I DON’T WANT TO GO!

Beric: Well young girl, It’s not up to you. We must—

But then Arya runs out of the door.


Beric: Dafuq?

Harwin: Yes. She does that. A LOT.

Arya runs and runs and runs. She gets far away from the old, abandoned town and far away from the Brotherhood’s Camp site. It’s raining now. Heavily. Hopefully her tracks will be washed away.


Arya: Haha. I think I lost them! SUCKERS!

Then suddenly someone grabs her arm.


The Hound: NOPE. Gotcha, bitch!

Arya: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCK!

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