Jaime heads out of Harrenhal, escorted by Steelshanks and his men. Simultaneously, Roose Bolton is also departing but going in a different direction. Ya know, a Twins-like direction. You know why. Vargo Hoat is now in charge of Harrenhal.
Jaime: Oh hey, what a coincidence! The road we’re taking from Harrenhal to King’s Landing is the exact same one I took after being made one of the Kingsguard.
Steelshanks: Well, I mean it’s not like there are a thousand roads and major infrastructure. There is pretty much only one major road that connects Harrenhal to the Kingsroad, and thus to Kings Landing. If you went from Harrenhal to Kings Landing several years ago after being made a Kingsguard… then the fact that you’re following the exact same route as you’re going from Harrenhal to Kings Landing again shouldn’t be surprising. It’s normal. There is one best way to get bewteeen the two cities. And we’re taking it.
Jaime: Geez, critical much? Look, I was only mentioning it because I wanted to have a long and reflective flashback, to ponder how I became a Kingsguard in the first place. Oh, most people assume it was a great honor. But it really wasn’t. Mad King Aerys actually did it to SPITE the Lannisters. He knew that making me a Kingsguard would mean I would no longer be able to marry or inherit land, thus depriving Tywin of having his favorite son be the heir to Casterly Rock.
Steelshanks: I DO NOT CARE.
Maester Qyburn: Hey, I’m here too!
Jaime: Oh. Really? Why?
Qyburn: To take care of you on your way to Kings Landing. Just in case you need any treatment for that stump of yours.
Jaime: Fair enough. But your “treatments” seem a little weird. Last night you sent a hooker named "Pia" up to my room. That girl looks like she's been around the block.
Qyburn: Yes. That counts as a form of treatment. At least I think so.
Jaime: I can see why you got disbarred by the Maesters. Anyway, I didn’t need a hooker. I already have a woman.
Qyburn: Yeah, your sister. Gross.
Jaime: Shut up.
Qyburn: Still, I’d like to meet her. She sounds like the type of person I could really get along with. Like… really, really well.
Jaime: Whatever.
Qyburn: I’m not a bad doctor though. I mean I saved your arm. Didn’t I?
Jaime: Grow me a new fucking one back and I’ll say you’re a GREAT doctor.
Qyburn: Plus I checked Lady Brienne to ensure her virginity was still intact. I’m practically an OBGYN. It was intact, by the way. That was an important part of the ransom demand with her father that Vargo Hoat sent.
Jaime: Oh yeah. How did that whole random demand thing between Vargo Hoat and Brienne’s father go? I’m sure any day now, Hoat will be sending her back to her father safe, sound and un-raped.
Qyburn: Nope. Not gotta happen. Hoat saw that Brienne’s father answered with what he considered a paltry payment offer of three hundred dragons. Hoat was furious. He wanted Tarth to send him thousands and thousands of emeralds, what with you claiming that Tarth was rich with emeralds. Hoat will probably just kill her now because he thinks Brienne’s father is fucking with him and he hates to haggle.
Jaime: Hrm. I think that emerald thing is COMPLETELY MY FAULT, isn’t it?
Qyburn: Yeah, I suppose so. Brienne of Tarth will now be viciously murdered and it’s because unrealistic ideas of ransom that you put in Vargo Hoat’s head. I mean sure… you gave Hoat those unrealistic ideas in an effort to save her from being raped on the road. But in the end… instead of being raped… now she’ll be horribly murdered.
Jaime: …
Qyburn: Best not to dwell on that kind of stuff though, right? I mean forget her anyway. Fuck bitches, get money. That's what I say.
Jaime: Yeah. Uhm. I mean… uhh… yeah. Forget about her. I’m going back to Kings Landing anyway. I don’t care about her.
That night, Jaime goes to sleep. Of course he has dreams.
Jaime: Oh wow. I better pay attention to this! Dreams and prophesies are, like, super important in this book series. Right?
Don’t worry about this dream too much though. It’s not important at all.
Jaime: WHAT?! How come my dreams aren’t important but other characters’ dreams are?
It’s just that way. The bottom line about the dream is that Jaime wishes he still had his hand; has all sorts of fucked up insecurities and feelings about his family (although it should be expected that someone who fucks his sister has messed up family issues); is still emotionally scarred by the events in Robert’s rebellion, thinks the Lannisters are to blame for the murder of Rhaegar’s children, but is overall sure that he did the right thing to save the kingdom by killing the mad king; and really, really, really feels bad about leaving Brienne behind.
Jaime wakes up.
Jaime: We’ve to go back!
Steelshanks: What? NO! We’ve gone so far already!
Jaime: I left something behind. I just remembered.
Steelshanks: Well, you should have remembered it before. It’s too late.
Jaime: NO! We need to go back now. I’ll bribe you.
Steelshanks: Hrm. A bribe might work. HEY! By left “something” behind… you don’t mean “someone,” right? We’re not going back to get Brienne, are we?
Jaime: Whaaaat? Noooooo. Of course not.
And so they turn around and go back to Harrenhal.
Jaime: BRIENNE?! WHERE ARE YOU BRIENNE?! I’VE GOT TO SAVE YOU!
Steelshanks: *sigh* Goddamnit, I knew it!
Jaime sees that all of the Bloody Mummers / Brave Companions are gathered around Harrenhal’s Bear Pit. They’re cheering and shouting. Jaime goes over and looks in the pit. Sure enough, Brienne is in there with a bear.
Jaime: Oh, well… bears are pretty dumb and Brienne is a skilled warrior. It looks like they gave her a sword too, so I think she’ll be okay.
Brienne stabs the bear. But the sword collapses in on the bear when she stabs it. Jaime sees now that the sword is just one of those retractable plastic lightsabers that you can buy from a toystore where the stick goes into the handle.
Jaime: DAMNIT! Someone get her out of there!
Vargo Hoat: KINGSHLTAYER! Thisth is none of your busthnesth!
Jaime: Dude, SHUT UP. Nobody can understand what you’re saying.
Jaime jumps into the bear pit.
Brienne: Jaime?! What are you doing here?
Jaime: Saving you!
Brienne: Oh great! Now hand me the sword you brought with you!
Jaime: Oh… uhm.. Well, that was stupid. I didn’t bring a sword. I guess the bear will eat us both now.
The bear charges them…
Just as they are about to both get eaten…
Bear: *ROAR* [Translation: AGHH!! FUCK!!!]
The bear gets filled with dozens of crossbow bolts. It falls and dies.
Jaime looks up and sees Steelshanks and his men.
They help Jaime and Brienne out of the pit.
But then Vargo’s men come and approach Steelshanks’ men.
Vargo Hoat: How dare you for thishth inthoselnth! You will be punishthed!
Steelshanks: Well… my men outnumber your men two-to-one. So… ya know… if you want to go… let’s go. I’m down for a good fight.
Vargo looks around nervously. Eventually he motions for his men to stand down.
Steelshanks: Yeah, that’s what I thought… bitch.
And so Steelshanks and his entourage set out on the road again… this time with Brienne.
Brienne: Why did you come back for me, Kingslayer?
Jaime: I had a dream about you.
Steelshanks: OOOOooOoOoooo! Looks like Jaime has a CRUSH! Jaime and Brienne! Sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N—
Jaime: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! My dream had a lot of people in it. Oswell Whent! Gerold Hightower! Arthur Dayne! Rhaegar! My dad! My sister! It was complicated! DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO IT!
Jaime: Oh hey, what a coincidence! The road we’re taking from Harrenhal to King’s Landing is the exact same one I took after being made one of the Kingsguard.
Steelshanks: Well, I mean it’s not like there are a thousand roads and major infrastructure. There is pretty much only one major road that connects Harrenhal to the Kingsroad, and thus to Kings Landing. If you went from Harrenhal to Kings Landing several years ago after being made a Kingsguard… then the fact that you’re following the exact same route as you’re going from Harrenhal to Kings Landing again shouldn’t be surprising. It’s normal. There is one best way to get bewteeen the two cities. And we’re taking it.
Jaime: Geez, critical much? Look, I was only mentioning it because I wanted to have a long and reflective flashback, to ponder how I became a Kingsguard in the first place. Oh, most people assume it was a great honor. But it really wasn’t. Mad King Aerys actually did it to SPITE the Lannisters. He knew that making me a Kingsguard would mean I would no longer be able to marry or inherit land, thus depriving Tywin of having his favorite son be the heir to Casterly Rock.
Steelshanks: I DO NOT CARE.
Maester Qyburn: Hey, I’m here too!
Jaime: Oh. Really? Why?
Qyburn: To take care of you on your way to Kings Landing. Just in case you need any treatment for that stump of yours.
Jaime: Fair enough. But your “treatments” seem a little weird. Last night you sent a hooker named "Pia" up to my room. That girl looks like she's been around the block.
Qyburn: Yes. That counts as a form of treatment. At least I think so.
Jaime: I can see why you got disbarred by the Maesters. Anyway, I didn’t need a hooker. I already have a woman.
Qyburn: Yeah, your sister. Gross.
Jaime: Shut up.
Qyburn: Still, I’d like to meet her. She sounds like the type of person I could really get along with. Like… really, really well.
Jaime: Whatever.
Qyburn: I’m not a bad doctor though. I mean I saved your arm. Didn’t I?
Jaime: Grow me a new fucking one back and I’ll say you’re a GREAT doctor.
Qyburn: Plus I checked Lady Brienne to ensure her virginity was still intact. I’m practically an OBGYN. It was intact, by the way. That was an important part of the ransom demand with her father that Vargo Hoat sent.
Jaime: Oh yeah. How did that whole random demand thing between Vargo Hoat and Brienne’s father go? I’m sure any day now, Hoat will be sending her back to her father safe, sound and un-raped.
Qyburn: Nope. Not gotta happen. Hoat saw that Brienne’s father answered with what he considered a paltry payment offer of three hundred dragons. Hoat was furious. He wanted Tarth to send him thousands and thousands of emeralds, what with you claiming that Tarth was rich with emeralds. Hoat will probably just kill her now because he thinks Brienne’s father is fucking with him and he hates to haggle.
Jaime: Hrm. I think that emerald thing is COMPLETELY MY FAULT, isn’t it?
Qyburn: Yeah, I suppose so. Brienne of Tarth will now be viciously murdered and it’s because unrealistic ideas of ransom that you put in Vargo Hoat’s head. I mean sure… you gave Hoat those unrealistic ideas in an effort to save her from being raped on the road. But in the end… instead of being raped… now she’ll be horribly murdered.
Jaime: …
Qyburn: Best not to dwell on that kind of stuff though, right? I mean forget her anyway. Fuck bitches, get money. That's what I say.
Jaime: Yeah. Uhm. I mean… uhh… yeah. Forget about her. I’m going back to Kings Landing anyway. I don’t care about her.
That night, Jaime goes to sleep. Of course he has dreams.
Jaime: Oh wow. I better pay attention to this! Dreams and prophesies are, like, super important in this book series. Right?
Don’t worry about this dream too much though. It’s not important at all.
Jaime: WHAT?! How come my dreams aren’t important but other characters’ dreams are?
It’s just that way. The bottom line about the dream is that Jaime wishes he still had his hand; has all sorts of fucked up insecurities and feelings about his family (although it should be expected that someone who fucks his sister has messed up family issues); is still emotionally scarred by the events in Robert’s rebellion, thinks the Lannisters are to blame for the murder of Rhaegar’s children, but is overall sure that he did the right thing to save the kingdom by killing the mad king; and really, really, really feels bad about leaving Brienne behind.
Jaime wakes up.
Jaime: We’ve to go back!
Steelshanks: What? NO! We’ve gone so far already!
Jaime: I left something behind. I just remembered.
Steelshanks: Well, you should have remembered it before. It’s too late.
Jaime: NO! We need to go back now. I’ll bribe you.
Steelshanks: Hrm. A bribe might work. HEY! By left “something” behind… you don’t mean “someone,” right? We’re not going back to get Brienne, are we?
Jaime: Whaaaat? Noooooo. Of course not.
And so they turn around and go back to Harrenhal.
Jaime: BRIENNE?! WHERE ARE YOU BRIENNE?! I’VE GOT TO SAVE YOU!
Steelshanks: *sigh* Goddamnit, I knew it!
Jaime sees that all of the Bloody Mummers / Brave Companions are gathered around Harrenhal’s Bear Pit. They’re cheering and shouting. Jaime goes over and looks in the pit. Sure enough, Brienne is in there with a bear.
Jaime: Oh, well… bears are pretty dumb and Brienne is a skilled warrior. It looks like they gave her a sword too, so I think she’ll be okay.
Brienne stabs the bear. But the sword collapses in on the bear when she stabs it. Jaime sees now that the sword is just one of those retractable plastic lightsabers that you can buy from a toystore where the stick goes into the handle.
Jaime: DAMNIT! Someone get her out of there!
Vargo Hoat: KINGSHLTAYER! Thisth is none of your busthnesth!
Jaime: Dude, SHUT UP. Nobody can understand what you’re saying.
Jaime jumps into the bear pit.
Brienne: Jaime?! What are you doing here?
Jaime: Saving you!
Brienne: Oh great! Now hand me the sword you brought with you!
Jaime: Oh… uhm.. Well, that was stupid. I didn’t bring a sword. I guess the bear will eat us both now.
The bear charges them…
Just as they are about to both get eaten…
Bear: *ROAR* [Translation: AGHH!! FUCK!!!]
The bear gets filled with dozens of crossbow bolts. It falls and dies.
Jaime looks up and sees Steelshanks and his men.
They help Jaime and Brienne out of the pit.
But then Vargo’s men come and approach Steelshanks’ men.
Vargo Hoat: How dare you for thishth inthoselnth! You will be punishthed!
Steelshanks: Well… my men outnumber your men two-to-one. So… ya know… if you want to go… let’s go. I’m down for a good fight.
Vargo looks around nervously. Eventually he motions for his men to stand down.
Steelshanks: Yeah, that’s what I thought… bitch.
And so Steelshanks and his entourage set out on the road again… this time with Brienne.
Brienne: Why did you come back for me, Kingslayer?
Jaime: I had a dream about you.
Steelshanks: OOOOooOoOoooo! Looks like Jaime has a CRUSH! Jaime and Brienne! Sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N—
Jaime: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! My dream had a lot of people in it. Oswell Whent! Gerold Hightower! Arthur Dayne! Rhaegar! My dad! My sister! It was complicated! DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO IT!
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