Dany is watching the last episode of "Game of Thrones" on HBO. It comes to an end.
Dany: What? REALLY? Jon stabs me while he's kissing me? How fucked up is that? And Bran... I mean... BRAN?! Is that for real?
Barristan: Well, he is the first POV chapter of the first book. Discounting prologues, of course.
Dany: Ugh. Now where were we, plot-wise?
Barristan: You said you were going to go feed the starving, sick people with the pale mare disease. They're outside of the city walls.
Dany: Right. Riiiiiiiiiight.
One of the gates to the city walls of Meereen opens, and Dany steps out.
Barristan: But my Queen, I beg you not to do this! You REALLY plan on feeding these plague-ridden starving refugees from Astapor yourself?
Dany: Of course I do. I ordered that they be fed and taken care of, so I should be strong enough to help do that myself.
Barristan: You’re too valuable, my queen.
Dany: Too valuable? No! Why the poor, downtrodden people are just as important as the rich and powerful.
Barristan: You mean like the civilians of King's Landing?
Dany: Shut your mouth.
Barristan: I'm just saying. If you catch the plague, then—
Dany: —Please! Everyone knows Targaryens can’t get sick. I’ve never been sick my entire life.
Barristan: Who taught you that?
Dany: My brother, Viserys.
Barristan: …
Dany: What?
Barristan: I mean he's not really a trustworthy source of information.
Dany heads out to the camp of the sick anyway with her bloodriders, and this place is DIS-GUST-ING! The whole place is full of the stink of death and rotting corpses. Those who are still barely alive, cry out to her as she walks by.
Dany: Oh wow, this place is horrible. So much suffering. They look malnourished. Why have they not been brought more food?
Aggo: Dany, I, Aggo, know this a tough thing to hear… but these people dead. Even the alive ones are dead. They all doomed. We only have limited food left in the city. I say it dumb to waste food to feed mouths that will die soon anyway. And to add to that… most people we send out to feed and care for these sick people? They get sick and die too. These people are fucked, and it impossible to un-fuck them. Anything we do to try to un-fuck them just fucks us.
Barristan: It’s true. Our stores dwindle and we will need to withstand a siege.
Aggo: It is known.
Dany is sort of a really poor leader (you can tell from how much of a shitdown Meereen is), so she can’t handle that as an answer.
Dany: No! We must continue to care for these people. And why do we let their dead lay here, stinking? They should be gathered up and burned. Yes. BURN. BURN THEM ALL. A-HEHEHEHE!!!!
Everyone stops are stares at her for a second. And they said there was no foreshadowing! Anyway, Aggo breaks the silence.
Aggo: You not listen to what Aggo say before? If we send people to gather and burn dead bodies… they get bloody flux and die shitting blood too. Not everyone magically immune to sickness like you.
Dany: Have Grey Worm and the Unsullied gather these bodies and burn them. I order this!
Aggo: Really? Okay, Aggo will do as his Khaleesi commands. Aggo just wonders if you know address of Grey Worm’s mom so you can send her a card saying how sorry you are that he dead.
Grey Worm is fetched and hears Dany’s commands.
Grey Worm: It shall be done, Queen. I just ask permission that we Unsullied be allowed to bathe in the sea water to purify ourselves afterwards, in accordance with our religion.
Dany: Oh really? Is that a thing in your religion? I didn’t even know about it.
Grey Worm: Of course not. You’re a white savior character. Why bother learning about our unique cultures and traditions when it’s not important to your story arc as the white savior? You saving us poor, brown people is all the readers need to know. Little details like our own faiths and beliefs are unimportant because we are just plot devices to promote your narrative of white goodness.
Dany: I… uhh… ermm… ahhh…
Grey Worm: Nah, I’m just fucking with you because I’m really pissed that I have to pile up and burn all these dead bodies today when I was planning to watch some soccer games on the big screen at that one pyramid. It’s all good.
Grey Worm goes off to do that body burning stuff. But was he really just kidding with Dany? No. Of course not.
Later, Dany returns back to her own pyramid and bathes.
Dany: SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! I can feel plague germs all over me! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Missandei: Hey, mind if I bathe with you?
Dany: OMG, I'm so glad that you're still alive!
Missandei: Huh?
Dany: Get in here and bathe me, you sexy, alive thing you.
Missandei: Sexy? Remember that in these books I am a 10-year old girl.
Dany: Yeesh.
Irri: I though you were supposed to bathe with us.
Jhiqui: It is known.
Dany: I still find it hard to believe that you two characters are still around. We literally have nothing for you to do, plot-wise anymore.
Irri: Perhaps we can argue over Rakharo and talk about how cute he is now. He used to be all small, but he obviously hit Dothraki puberty and is big as hell now. Those muscles.
Jhiqui: Mmm sister, yeah. IT. IS. KNOWN.
Dany: *rolls eyes*
Missandei: I can hear the people outside scratching on the walls at night. Scratching to get inside of here.
Dany: Do you can’t, stop BS’ing me, Missandei. You’re probably just having bad dreams. But don’t worry. As much as I care for them and feel bad for their suffering, I won’t let them in to spread plague.
Missandei: Right. You’ll just send all sorts of troops out there to mingle with them and bring the plague back inside that way.
Dany: I… uhmm… ermm… OKAY… MOVING THIS PLOT FORWARD…
Dany gets dressed in a traditional Tokar with plans to meet with her husband-to-be, Hizdahr zo Loraq, for dinner. But before meeting with Hizdahr, she meets up with Reznak mo Reznak and Galazza the Green Grace Galare to talk wedding planning.
Dany: Look, I promise I won’t be one of those Bridezillas! I just need everyone in the audience to wear this one shade of topaz that I found because it’s so pretty. Dresses. Suits. Footwear. It all has to be topaz and if anyone dares not wear all topaz, they are banned from the wedding. And it better not be ANY shade of topaz. It needs to be the one shade I like. I’m sending everyone some Pantone color strips that shows the EXACT shade that I want them to wear. And no woman in the ceremony is allowed to be taller than me. Anyone who is taller than me needs to hunch down and act like a cripple. Oh, and I plan on sending a bill to any no-show guests. And the only food that will be served is these new green “detox” smoothies that I’m totally into now. But again, I’m totally not a Bridezilla.
Reznak: Uhnn huhhhh. So anyway, about the feet washing ceremony.
Dany: The what now?
Reznak: You need to wash your husband’s feet to prove you are an obedient servant to him now.
Dany: THE FUCK I WILL.
Green Grace: Queen, I know it is not your tradition… but the union will not be recognized by our people if you don’t do this. If the people do not think the wedding is legitimate, then you will never have peace.
Dany: *sigh* Whatever.
Reznak: You should also probably reopen the fighting pits as a “wedding gift” to your husband.
Dany: OMG WILL IT EVER END WITH THIS FIGHTING PIT STUFF?! UGH. Look. When I am married to Hizdahr, he will be a king. Let him reopen the pits. I want nothing to do with it.
Everyone else just shrugs their shoulders, because honestly that seems like a pretty legit compromise.
Later, Hizdahr arrives and they start their dinner.
Hizdahr: Mmm, we’re having a very special dinner tonight. My favorite meal! Dog!
Dany: *vomits in mouth a little* Oh… yeeeeeeah. That sounds great.
Hizdahr: Doesn’t it?
Dany: Oh hey, “honey.” You hear about this feet washing thing I have to do?
Hizdahr: *sigh* Yeah. Another one of these stupid old traditions that they love in Meereen. Look, I’m not about that life, Dany. When we’re in charge, that’s one of the types of things I’d like to get rid of. But for now, it’s something we probably need to do in order to keep the peace.
Dany: Cool, I guess. Although if you’re one of those foot fetish people… I can tell you that this is not going to work.
Hizdahr: No way, those people are freaks. But back to talking about peace. I’ve heard back on offers for peace with Yunkai. They say they want us to give them a bunch of gold, and allow them to resume the slave trade.
Dany: No and no. To hell with that.
Barristan then comes in, and interrupts the engaged couple.
Barristan: Excuse me, Your Grace. The Stormcrows have returned with news.
Dany: S-stormcrows? You mean… like… Daario?
She bats her eyes are starts to get all swoony. Hizdahr gives her some side eye.
Barristan: The armies of Yunkai are on the march. Daario has lots of information about it, but he refused to brief me about it. He says he will only tell you.
Dany gets up from the table, just as the course of dog meat arrives.
Dany: Oh look at that! What a shame. I guess I can’t eat dog after all, my dear husband. So sorry, but I have to go hear a report about the Yunkai forces from my soldier.
Hizdahr: What a shame! I guess we could save you some dog to have later.
Dany: No, no. I couldn’t possibly impose you disgusting monster. You should have my portion. Now to go meet Daario. Of course it’s SUPER SENSITIVE news he probably has to report to me. Which means he needs to “debrief” me in private. Like in my bedroom probably. Yeah, my bedroom sounds like the most logical and secure place. Send Daario there at once!
Barristan: Uhhh. Of course, Your Grace.
Hizdahr: *devastatingly vicious side eye*
Dany goes back to her bedroom chambers, slips into something from Victoria’s Secret, and waits in her bed for the report from the leader of the Stormcrows.
Daario walks in, although he’s wounded and covered in blood.
Dany: OH NO! My poor baby! I mean… uhh… soldier. You look hurt. You need to get that wound treated!
Daario: Oh this? It’s nothing. Most of this blood isn’t even mine. It’s blood from a traitorous sergent who tried to defect and join the enemy. So I ripped his heart out of his chest.
Dany: Like Kano from Mortal Kombat? *swoon*
Daario: Well, I was thinking more like Mola Ram in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But same thing. Here, I got you this as a Valentine’s Day gift.
He drops the man’s heart on the table.
Dany: So sweet! I can’t believe one of the Stormcrows tried to betray me though.
Daario: Bad news, my beautiful Queen. He wasn’t the only one. Brown Ben Plum and his entire Second Sons company have defected and joined Yunkai.
Dany: WHAT?! OMG! I just sent him out with a ton of gold to bribe our enemies to join our side! But instead he STEALS the gold and gives it to our enemies and joins them?! AGHHHHH!!!
Daario: It’s not all bad news. I convinced some of our enemies to flip to our side. Even without the gold. Also, as for Brown Ben, I can kill him for you, my love.
Dany: Maybe later. For now, I need to order the gates to be closed to defend ourselves from this oncoming Yunkai attack. I also need to tend to your wounds so you don’t die of an infection like my last husband. Take all of your clothes off right now, so I can get a better look at them.
Instead of doing that, Daario walks right up and kisses her on the lips. They make out for like four minutes before Dany notices that all her handmaids are in the room watching.
Dany: Uh, you gals can leave now.
Irri: But I like to watch. It is known.
They leave.
Dany: Oh, Daario! There was the prophecy! That three people would betray me! I feared you would be one of them. But you weren’t. It was Brown Benn. He was the second. Or the third? I don’t know. I’m not quite sure how to count them. Does that Lhazar Witch Mirri Maz Durr count? Jorah most certainly does. But what about—
Daario: —I would never betray you, my love. All that I ask for is that you never leave me behind in Meereen and have whatever happens to me be a dropped plot point.
Dany: By the way… I know this is an awkward time to mention this. But I’m getting married. To Hizdahr.
Daario: *shugs* Whatever. Like that will stop me.
Dany: But I never wanted him. I wanted you! But you’re a sellsword. How could I trust a sellsword who boasts that he’s slept with hundreds of women?
Daario: Did I say hundreds? I meant thousands.
Dany: Really? Man, I’m really glad that STDs aren’t a major thing in these novels.
Daario: Thousands of women… but I’ve never been with a dragon.
Dany: What? Like Drogon?
Daario: No, you. Idiot.
Dany: Ah, right.
She drops her dress. They start making out again and begin taking off their clothes. But Dany starts patting around Daario's body.
Daario: What are you doing?
Dany: Just checking to make sure you don't have a knife to plunge into my heart.
Daario: Why would I do that?
Dany: Like I said, just checking.
Daario: I do have something I want to plunge inside of you though.
Dany: Then what are you waiting for?
They do it.
Dany: What? REALLY? Jon stabs me while he's kissing me? How fucked up is that? And Bran... I mean... BRAN?! Is that for real?
Barristan: Well, he is the first POV chapter of the first book. Discounting prologues, of course.
Dany: Ugh. Now where were we, plot-wise?
Barristan: You said you were going to go feed the starving, sick people with the pale mare disease. They're outside of the city walls.
Dany: Right. Riiiiiiiiiight.
One of the gates to the city walls of Meereen opens, and Dany steps out.
Barristan: But my Queen, I beg you not to do this! You REALLY plan on feeding these plague-ridden starving refugees from Astapor yourself?
Dany: Of course I do. I ordered that they be fed and taken care of, so I should be strong enough to help do that myself.
Barristan: You’re too valuable, my queen.
Dany: Too valuable? No! Why the poor, downtrodden people are just as important as the rich and powerful.
Barristan: You mean like the civilians of King's Landing?
Dany: Shut your mouth.
Barristan: I'm just saying. If you catch the plague, then—
Dany: —Please! Everyone knows Targaryens can’t get sick. I’ve never been sick my entire life.
Barristan: Who taught you that?
Dany: My brother, Viserys.
Barristan: …
Dany: What?
Barristan: I mean he's not really a trustworthy source of information.
Dany heads out to the camp of the sick anyway with her bloodriders, and this place is DIS-GUST-ING! The whole place is full of the stink of death and rotting corpses. Those who are still barely alive, cry out to her as she walks by.
Dany: Oh wow, this place is horrible. So much suffering. They look malnourished. Why have they not been brought more food?
Aggo: Dany, I, Aggo, know this a tough thing to hear… but these people dead. Even the alive ones are dead. They all doomed. We only have limited food left in the city. I say it dumb to waste food to feed mouths that will die soon anyway. And to add to that… most people we send out to feed and care for these sick people? They get sick and die too. These people are fucked, and it impossible to un-fuck them. Anything we do to try to un-fuck them just fucks us.
Barristan: It’s true. Our stores dwindle and we will need to withstand a siege.
Aggo: It is known.
Dany is sort of a really poor leader (you can tell from how much of a shitdown Meereen is), so she can’t handle that as an answer.
Dany: No! We must continue to care for these people. And why do we let their dead lay here, stinking? They should be gathered up and burned. Yes. BURN. BURN THEM ALL. A-HEHEHEHE!!!!
Everyone stops are stares at her for a second. And they said there was no foreshadowing! Anyway, Aggo breaks the silence.
Aggo: You not listen to what Aggo say before? If we send people to gather and burn dead bodies… they get bloody flux and die shitting blood too. Not everyone magically immune to sickness like you.
Dany: Have Grey Worm and the Unsullied gather these bodies and burn them. I order this!
Aggo: Really? Okay, Aggo will do as his Khaleesi commands. Aggo just wonders if you know address of Grey Worm’s mom so you can send her a card saying how sorry you are that he dead.
Grey Worm is fetched and hears Dany’s commands.
Grey Worm: It shall be done, Queen. I just ask permission that we Unsullied be allowed to bathe in the sea water to purify ourselves afterwards, in accordance with our religion.
Dany: Oh really? Is that a thing in your religion? I didn’t even know about it.
Grey Worm: Of course not. You’re a white savior character. Why bother learning about our unique cultures and traditions when it’s not important to your story arc as the white savior? You saving us poor, brown people is all the readers need to know. Little details like our own faiths and beliefs are unimportant because we are just plot devices to promote your narrative of white goodness.
Dany: I… uhh… ermm… ahhh…
Grey Worm: Nah, I’m just fucking with you because I’m really pissed that I have to pile up and burn all these dead bodies today when I was planning to watch some soccer games on the big screen at that one pyramid. It’s all good.
Grey Worm goes off to do that body burning stuff. But was he really just kidding with Dany? No. Of course not.
Later, Dany returns back to her own pyramid and bathes.
Dany: SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! I can feel plague germs all over me! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Missandei: Hey, mind if I bathe with you?
Dany: OMG, I'm so glad that you're still alive!
Missandei: Huh?
Dany: Get in here and bathe me, you sexy, alive thing you.
Missandei: Sexy? Remember that in these books I am a 10-year old girl.
Dany: Yeesh.
Irri: I though you were supposed to bathe with us.
Jhiqui: It is known.
Dany: I still find it hard to believe that you two characters are still around. We literally have nothing for you to do, plot-wise anymore.
Irri: Perhaps we can argue over Rakharo and talk about how cute he is now. He used to be all small, but he obviously hit Dothraki puberty and is big as hell now. Those muscles.
Jhiqui: Mmm sister, yeah. IT. IS. KNOWN.
Dany: *rolls eyes*
Missandei: I can hear the people outside scratching on the walls at night. Scratching to get inside of here.
Dany: Do you can’t, stop BS’ing me, Missandei. You’re probably just having bad dreams. But don’t worry. As much as I care for them and feel bad for their suffering, I won’t let them in to spread plague.
Missandei: Right. You’ll just send all sorts of troops out there to mingle with them and bring the plague back inside that way.
Dany: I… uhmm… ermm… OKAY… MOVING THIS PLOT FORWARD…
Dany gets dressed in a traditional Tokar with plans to meet with her husband-to-be, Hizdahr zo Loraq, for dinner. But before meeting with Hizdahr, she meets up with Reznak mo Reznak and Galazza the Green Grace Galare to talk wedding planning.
Dany: Look, I promise I won’t be one of those Bridezillas! I just need everyone in the audience to wear this one shade of topaz that I found because it’s so pretty. Dresses. Suits. Footwear. It all has to be topaz and if anyone dares not wear all topaz, they are banned from the wedding. And it better not be ANY shade of topaz. It needs to be the one shade I like. I’m sending everyone some Pantone color strips that shows the EXACT shade that I want them to wear. And no woman in the ceremony is allowed to be taller than me. Anyone who is taller than me needs to hunch down and act like a cripple. Oh, and I plan on sending a bill to any no-show guests. And the only food that will be served is these new green “detox” smoothies that I’m totally into now. But again, I’m totally not a Bridezilla.
Reznak: Uhnn huhhhh. So anyway, about the feet washing ceremony.
Dany: The what now?
Reznak: You need to wash your husband’s feet to prove you are an obedient servant to him now.
Dany: THE FUCK I WILL.
Green Grace: Queen, I know it is not your tradition… but the union will not be recognized by our people if you don’t do this. If the people do not think the wedding is legitimate, then you will never have peace.
Dany: *sigh* Whatever.
Reznak: You should also probably reopen the fighting pits as a “wedding gift” to your husband.
Dany: OMG WILL IT EVER END WITH THIS FIGHTING PIT STUFF?! UGH. Look. When I am married to Hizdahr, he will be a king. Let him reopen the pits. I want nothing to do with it.
Everyone else just shrugs their shoulders, because honestly that seems like a pretty legit compromise.
Later, Hizdahr arrives and they start their dinner.
Hizdahr: Mmm, we’re having a very special dinner tonight. My favorite meal! Dog!
Dany: *vomits in mouth a little* Oh… yeeeeeeah. That sounds great.
Hizdahr: Doesn’t it?
Dany: Oh hey, “honey.” You hear about this feet washing thing I have to do?
Hizdahr: *sigh* Yeah. Another one of these stupid old traditions that they love in Meereen. Look, I’m not about that life, Dany. When we’re in charge, that’s one of the types of things I’d like to get rid of. But for now, it’s something we probably need to do in order to keep the peace.
Dany: Cool, I guess. Although if you’re one of those foot fetish people… I can tell you that this is not going to work.
Hizdahr: No way, those people are freaks. But back to talking about peace. I’ve heard back on offers for peace with Yunkai. They say they want us to give them a bunch of gold, and allow them to resume the slave trade.
Dany: No and no. To hell with that.
Barristan then comes in, and interrupts the engaged couple.
Barristan: Excuse me, Your Grace. The Stormcrows have returned with news.
Dany: S-stormcrows? You mean… like… Daario?
She bats her eyes are starts to get all swoony. Hizdahr gives her some side eye.
Barristan: The armies of Yunkai are on the march. Daario has lots of information about it, but he refused to brief me about it. He says he will only tell you.
Dany gets up from the table, just as the course of dog meat arrives.
Dany: Oh look at that! What a shame. I guess I can’t eat dog after all, my dear husband. So sorry, but I have to go hear a report about the Yunkai forces from my soldier.
Hizdahr: What a shame! I guess we could save you some dog to have later.
Dany: No, no. I couldn’t possibly impose you disgusting monster. You should have my portion. Now to go meet Daario. Of course it’s SUPER SENSITIVE news he probably has to report to me. Which means he needs to “debrief” me in private. Like in my bedroom probably. Yeah, my bedroom sounds like the most logical and secure place. Send Daario there at once!
Barristan: Uhhh. Of course, Your Grace.
Hizdahr: *devastatingly vicious side eye*
Dany goes back to her bedroom chambers, slips into something from Victoria’s Secret, and waits in her bed for the report from the leader of the Stormcrows.
Daario walks in, although he’s wounded and covered in blood.
Dany: OH NO! My poor baby! I mean… uhh… soldier. You look hurt. You need to get that wound treated!
Daario: Oh this? It’s nothing. Most of this blood isn’t even mine. It’s blood from a traitorous sergent who tried to defect and join the enemy. So I ripped his heart out of his chest.
Dany: Like Kano from Mortal Kombat? *swoon*
Daario: Well, I was thinking more like Mola Ram in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But same thing. Here, I got you this as a Valentine’s Day gift.
He drops the man’s heart on the table.
Dany: So sweet! I can’t believe one of the Stormcrows tried to betray me though.
Daario: Bad news, my beautiful Queen. He wasn’t the only one. Brown Ben Plum and his entire Second Sons company have defected and joined Yunkai.
Dany: WHAT?! OMG! I just sent him out with a ton of gold to bribe our enemies to join our side! But instead he STEALS the gold and gives it to our enemies and joins them?! AGHHHHH!!!
Daario: It’s not all bad news. I convinced some of our enemies to flip to our side. Even without the gold. Also, as for Brown Ben, I can kill him for you, my love.
Dany: Maybe later. For now, I need to order the gates to be closed to defend ourselves from this oncoming Yunkai attack. I also need to tend to your wounds so you don’t die of an infection like my last husband. Take all of your clothes off right now, so I can get a better look at them.
Instead of doing that, Daario walks right up and kisses her on the lips. They make out for like four minutes before Dany notices that all her handmaids are in the room watching.
Dany: Uh, you gals can leave now.
Irri: But I like to watch. It is known.
They leave.
Dany: Oh, Daario! There was the prophecy! That three people would betray me! I feared you would be one of them. But you weren’t. It was Brown Benn. He was the second. Or the third? I don’t know. I’m not quite sure how to count them. Does that Lhazar Witch Mirri Maz Durr count? Jorah most certainly does. But what about—
Daario: —I would never betray you, my love. All that I ask for is that you never leave me behind in Meereen and have whatever happens to me be a dropped plot point.
Dany: By the way… I know this is an awkward time to mention this. But I’m getting married. To Hizdahr.
Daario: *shugs* Whatever. Like that will stop me.
Dany: But I never wanted him. I wanted you! But you’re a sellsword. How could I trust a sellsword who boasts that he’s slept with hundreds of women?
Daario: Did I say hundreds? I meant thousands.
Dany: Really? Man, I’m really glad that STDs aren’t a major thing in these novels.
Daario: Thousands of women… but I’ve never been with a dragon.
Dany: What? Like Drogon?
Daario: No, you. Idiot.
Dany: Ah, right.
She drops her dress. They start making out again and begin taking off their clothes. But Dany starts patting around Daario's body.
Daario: What are you doing?
Dany: Just checking to make sure you don't have a knife to plunge into my heart.
Daario: Why would I do that?
Dany: Like I said, just checking.
Daario: I do have something I want to plunge inside of you though.
Dany: Then what are you waiting for?
They do it.
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