Jon: Okay Val, bye.
Val: Wow, that’s an abrupt chapter start. What exactly is going on here?
Jon: I’m sending you north of the Wall to try to recruit Tormund Giantsbane. I’ll offer him a truce and shelter for him and his men if they some south. Protection from the Others and the Wights.
Val: Uhh, okay. It seems like Stannis already offered that and he refused before. But okay. Hanging around Castle Black is super lame anyway. I’ll try to be back by the next full moon.
Jon: Well shit, I’d have to start reading Bran chapters if I want to know what the moon phase in. Just come back. Or else Stannis will have my ass.
Val: Maybe. He doesn't seem that interested in women.
Jon: No, I mean he'll be angry with me.
Val: If he even survives his assault on Winterfell to learn about it.
Jon: True dat.
Val: Hey… before I go. I just want to know… and you can be honest with me… did you kill Jarl? That was my man, you know.
Jon: No. I mean Yes. Yes I know he was your man. No, I did not kill him. He fell off the side of the Wall, climbing it. I swear.
Val: Okay. And make sure to keep Craster’s son away from the red woman. Mel knows, by the way. That you did the switcheroo.
Jon: No way. If she knew, she would have told Stannis.
Val: If you say so. Bye, Felicia.
Val rides out.
Jon heads back to his chambers to have dinner. He starts eating a sausage when one of Mormont’s ravens comes up and steals it.
Jon: Agh! You thief!
Raven: Caw! Eat a bag of dicks! Caw!
Not two seconds after settling down to eat, everyone in the Night’s Watch bursts into his private room is on his ass about various shit.
Bowen Marsh: Why the hell are you sending Dolorous Edd to and Iron Emmett to go off to that new Whore Castle? Why is Leathers the new Master at Arms? He was a damn Wildling and just took the black like a week ago!
Othell Yarwyck: Why do I not have enough builders to help me build shit?
Septon Cellador: Why is that damn boy whore Satin being appointed as your new squire?
Jon: Jesus, you guys are on me faster than this crow. Give me a goddamn minute to breath. Any of you need some food or anything?
Raven: Corn!
Jon: No, not you, asshole crow. And as for all your questions about the character of these people that I’m promoting… to hell with that. You all know what the Night’s Watch is. It’s made up of criminals and rapists. I can name 40 men here who have done worse things than Satin. Get off my ass about that. And you can’t complain about us not having enough men to do stuff like build when at the EXACT SAME TIME you give me shit for recruiting Wildlings. You know what the Wildlings are? THE ONLY DAMN PEOPLE LEFT TO RECRUIT. The motherfucking DEAD are RISING. I’m trying to make sure that the few remaining people who are alive stop fighting each other for stupid old reasons and work together so that the army of the dead doesn’t kill everyone.
Raven: Corn?
Bowen: Hey look, don’t shoot the messengers. We’re just speaking, ah, on behalf of “the men” of the Night’s Watch. These concerns are being voice by many. But since you bring up the dead… why the hell do you have those corpses in the dungeon? That’s some messed up stuff. That’s another thing “the men” are questioning.
Jon: In case they come back as Wights. They are the enemy, Bowen. And we know almost nothing about them or the Others. We must learn more if we hope to defeat them.
Bowen: Of course… there is the Val issue too.
Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I was waiting for this bullshit too. Yes, I sent Val off. So what? I sent her to try to get Tormund and his men to come south.
Bowen: Tormund? So now you want to bring THOUSANDS of more Wildling savages to this side of the wall? Rustlers, cut throats, murderes, bounty hunters, deperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwakers, hornswog—
Jon: —Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Methodists. I get it. Nice Blazing Saddles reference, but like I said. Are they Wildlings? Yes. But they are ALIVE. We need every alive man that we can get to stand against the dead.
Bowen and the others are still clearly not happy about this though.
Jon: Look, have you heard about this crazy woods witch called Mother Mole? She apparently had this prophecy about a fleet of ships in the East that would bring the Free Folk to salvation. After Stannis’s attack on Mance’s army, apparently a ton of the Free Folk followed Mothers Mole… going east… to Hardhome.
Othell: Hardhome? That place is cursed. They’ll probably die there.
Jon: Aye, of starvation. Soon.
Bowen: Good riddance, I say. Best news I’ve heard all day.
Jon: HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAID? BOWEN, YOU ARE PROBABLY THE DUMBEST SHIT HERE. THOUSANDS WILL DIE IF WE DO NOT SEND SHIPS TO SAVE THEM. THOUSANDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHEN THE WILDINGS ARE DEAD?
Raven: DEAD! DEAD! *squawk* Bowen Marsh is the dumbest shit. *squawk*
Jon: LET ME TELL YOU! They will come back as WIGHTS. Remember them? Super powerful and almost un-killable enemies. They want to murder us. They will rise by the hundreds. By the thousands. Black hands. Pale blue eyes. Is any of this ringing a fucking bell for you, Bowen?
Bowen: I… uhh… err…
Jon: Seriously, all three of you get the fuck out of my face with that amateur hour shit.
They rise to leave, and walk out stiffly.
Raven: Caw! They’re probably going to stab you for that. CAW!
Jon: And also corn?
Raven: Yes. Corn.
Jon: Ugh. I hate the Night's Watch. I hope I can leave it one day. Become king or something.
Raven: *squawk* They'll just send you back here in the end.
Val: Wow, that’s an abrupt chapter start. What exactly is going on here?
Jon: I’m sending you north of the Wall to try to recruit Tormund Giantsbane. I’ll offer him a truce and shelter for him and his men if they some south. Protection from the Others and the Wights.
Val: Uhh, okay. It seems like Stannis already offered that and he refused before. But okay. Hanging around Castle Black is super lame anyway. I’ll try to be back by the next full moon.
Jon: Well shit, I’d have to start reading Bran chapters if I want to know what the moon phase in. Just come back. Or else Stannis will have my ass.
Val: Maybe. He doesn't seem that interested in women.
Jon: No, I mean he'll be angry with me.
Val: If he even survives his assault on Winterfell to learn about it.
Jon: True dat.
Val: Hey… before I go. I just want to know… and you can be honest with me… did you kill Jarl? That was my man, you know.
Jon: No. I mean Yes. Yes I know he was your man. No, I did not kill him. He fell off the side of the Wall, climbing it. I swear.
Val: Okay. And make sure to keep Craster’s son away from the red woman. Mel knows, by the way. That you did the switcheroo.
Jon: No way. If she knew, she would have told Stannis.
Val: If you say so. Bye, Felicia.
Val rides out.
Jon heads back to his chambers to have dinner. He starts eating a sausage when one of Mormont’s ravens comes up and steals it.
Jon: Agh! You thief!
Raven: Caw! Eat a bag of dicks! Caw!
Not two seconds after settling down to eat, everyone in the Night’s Watch bursts into his private room is on his ass about various shit.
Bowen Marsh: Why the hell are you sending Dolorous Edd to and Iron Emmett to go off to that new Whore Castle? Why is Leathers the new Master at Arms? He was a damn Wildling and just took the black like a week ago!
Othell Yarwyck: Why do I not have enough builders to help me build shit?
Septon Cellador: Why is that damn boy whore Satin being appointed as your new squire?
Jon: Jesus, you guys are on me faster than this crow. Give me a goddamn minute to breath. Any of you need some food or anything?
Raven: Corn!
Jon: No, not you, asshole crow. And as for all your questions about the character of these people that I’m promoting… to hell with that. You all know what the Night’s Watch is. It’s made up of criminals and rapists. I can name 40 men here who have done worse things than Satin. Get off my ass about that. And you can’t complain about us not having enough men to do stuff like build when at the EXACT SAME TIME you give me shit for recruiting Wildlings. You know what the Wildlings are? THE ONLY DAMN PEOPLE LEFT TO RECRUIT. The motherfucking DEAD are RISING. I’m trying to make sure that the few remaining people who are alive stop fighting each other for stupid old reasons and work together so that the army of the dead doesn’t kill everyone.
Raven: Corn?
Bowen: Hey look, don’t shoot the messengers. We’re just speaking, ah, on behalf of “the men” of the Night’s Watch. These concerns are being voice by many. But since you bring up the dead… why the hell do you have those corpses in the dungeon? That’s some messed up stuff. That’s another thing “the men” are questioning.
Jon: In case they come back as Wights. They are the enemy, Bowen. And we know almost nothing about them or the Others. We must learn more if we hope to defeat them.
Bowen: Of course… there is the Val issue too.
Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I was waiting for this bullshit too. Yes, I sent Val off. So what? I sent her to try to get Tormund and his men to come south.
Bowen: Tormund? So now you want to bring THOUSANDS of more Wildling savages to this side of the wall? Rustlers, cut throats, murderes, bounty hunters, deperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwakers, hornswog—
Jon: —Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Methodists. I get it. Nice Blazing Saddles reference, but like I said. Are they Wildlings? Yes. But they are ALIVE. We need every alive man that we can get to stand against the dead.
Bowen and the others are still clearly not happy about this though.
Jon: Look, have you heard about this crazy woods witch called Mother Mole? She apparently had this prophecy about a fleet of ships in the East that would bring the Free Folk to salvation. After Stannis’s attack on Mance’s army, apparently a ton of the Free Folk followed Mothers Mole… going east… to Hardhome.
Othell: Hardhome? That place is cursed. They’ll probably die there.
Jon: Aye, of starvation. Soon.
Bowen: Good riddance, I say. Best news I’ve heard all day.
Jon: HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAID? BOWEN, YOU ARE PROBABLY THE DUMBEST SHIT HERE. THOUSANDS WILL DIE IF WE DO NOT SEND SHIPS TO SAVE THEM. THOUSANDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHEN THE WILDINGS ARE DEAD?
Raven: DEAD! DEAD! *squawk* Bowen Marsh is the dumbest shit. *squawk*
Jon: LET ME TELL YOU! They will come back as WIGHTS. Remember them? Super powerful and almost un-killable enemies. They want to murder us. They will rise by the hundreds. By the thousands. Black hands. Pale blue eyes. Is any of this ringing a fucking bell for you, Bowen?
Bowen: I… uhh… err…
Jon: Seriously, all three of you get the fuck out of my face with that amateur hour shit.
They rise to leave, and walk out stiffly.
Raven: Caw! They’re probably going to stab you for that. CAW!
Jon: And also corn?
Raven: Yes. Corn.
Jon: Ugh. I hate the Night's Watch. I hope I can leave it one day. Become king or something.
Raven: *squawk* They'll just send you back here in the end.
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