Friday, May 17, 2019

ADwD 35: Jon VII

Jon: Finally, this huge blizzard has ended. I guess that means we at last have a chance to allow these six of these new guys who joined the Night’s Watch and who worship the Old Gods to take their vows. So I guess I better take them up to the godswood, north of the Wall, in order to say the words before the wierwood trees. Just like me and Sam did back in the day.

Bowen Marsh: Whoa, whoa, whoa. NORTH of the Wall? To the Haunted Forest? You’re freaking crazy.

Dolorous Edd: I agree with Marsh here.

Jon: But they need to take their vows.

Bowen: Make them take their vows here at the sept with the rest of the people.

Jon: But the Faith of the Seven isn’t their religion. What good are their vows if they swear them before gods they don’t believe in?

Bowen: The reason that at least two of those people you mean to take with you are following the Old Gods is because they are freaking WILDLINGS. Now you’re proposing to go NORTH of the Wall with them.  And once you’re past the wall you’ll be surrounded by the Wildlings that wouldn’t take the knee to Stannis and decided to remain up there. The ones who just gouged out the eyes of three of our men.  Changes are, you don’t need to worry about those other eye-gouging Wildlings you attacking you up there. Your own recruits are probably going to be the ones to betray you and rejoin their people.

Jon: I’m not scared. I’ve got Ghost with me. Come on boy!

Ghost: *woof* [Translate: Oh, you mean I’m going to actually be featured in this chapter instead of left out, huh? I was starting to think this blog author was cutting me out just like the show is. Maybe you'll leave be behind without even petting me, huh?]

Geez, sorry Ghost.

The party rides out to the godswoods north of the Wall. Along with Jon are Hareth, Arron, Emrick and Satin. The last two recruits Jon looks over at… “Leathers” and “Jax,” the two Wildlings from Mole’s Town who decided to take the black.

Jon: Should I be worried about those two like Bowen said I should? Hrm. I dunno. Of the 63 Wildlings who came with me from Mole’s Town, so far those are the only two who have actually taken the black. Althouh I guess the ratio isn’t that bad when you consider that 19 are girls.

Iron Emmett, the new young Master at Arms for Castle Black, is along for the ride too. He overhears Jon and rides up.

Iron Emmett: So what about those female Wildlings, huh? They’re going to cause insanity on the Wall. We’re not supposed to have women with us for a reason.

Jon: Eh, these northern spearwives can hold their own.  Will guys try to rape them? Sure. But they’ll get their wee-wee’s cut off.  Three men have already been locked up for trying stuff. Besides, we’re trying to keep them segregated in Hardin’s Tower.

Emmett: Oh yeah, the Harlot’s Tower.

Jon: Geez… is that REALLY what people are calling it? So sexist. Anyway, as you know I intend to re-open three more castles along the Wall. Deep Lake, Sable Hall, and Long Barrow. I plan to send all of the Spearwives to Long Barrow and make it an almost all-female fort to avoid any future incidents.

Emmett: Oh man, an all-female fortress on the Wall? The erotic fanfics are practically already writing themselves.

Jon: But they will of course need actual Members of the Night’s Watch to command them. Which is why I plan to send you and Dolorous Edd to watch over them, as Commander and Chief Steward.

Emmett: Oh yeah, two more characters who have been shown to be competent and worthy of your trust. Better SEND THEM AWAY SO YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE NO ALLIES AT CASTLE BLACK.

Jon: Huh?

Emmett: Oh, nothing. I… uhh… quite frankly, I don’t know how I feel about you saying I’m going to an all-female castle. Part of me is horrified by the idea, but the other part of me has the biggest boner.

Jon: Of course we also have the Halleck issue. Halleck is causing a lot of trouble and I should send him off to one of those other castles too. Of course I need to worry about the Thenns as well. I bet they blame me for the death of the last Magnar, Styr. Although I didn’t even kill him. He just fell off that ice wall.

Another person riding out in advance of the group of recruits is Tom Barleycorn, a scout who had been sent out early to make sure that there was no trouble ahead. He rides back to Jon.

Tom: Lord Commander, I went to the godwood and I saw a bunch of Wildlings there. Nine of them, including a giant!

Jon: Well crap. Do you think we have a fight on our hands?

Tom: Maybe. Although they looked more like “weak and pathetic Wildlings seeking shelter” than “we want to fight” Wildlings. But yeah, there is a giant. So we need to play this cool.

Jon and the party approach cautiously and prepare for anything. Well, not anything. If Cersei Lannister jumped out with the Mountain they wouldn’t be prepared for that because it’s highly unlikely and illogical. But they’re prepared for ALMOST anything given the circumstances and facts they currently have before them.

Jon: Okay everyone! Put down your weapons! We mean you no harm!

Giant: Ewfiugfwi gfwiuwr ereg.

Jon: What did the giant say? It looks like he’s just mashing the keyboard.

Leathers:  I speak the Old Tongue. He’s threatening us and saying he’s going to tear off our arms and beat us to death with them.

But the rest of the Wildlings are, as predicted, sick and weary. Three of them appear to already be laying in the snow, dead.

Jon: Tell the giant that we mean them no harm. Tell him that the old gods are our gods too, and we have simply come here to pray.

Leathers: Ikjefwh efgwefu etclwiohfwhl.

Giant: Ofwhww wrih wuf prghbek.

Leathers: Ywfhkgrh?

Giant: Ydllkhf peuffna euwe’eiidh weyewkh!!!

Leathers: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Giant: HAHAHAHAHA!

Leathers: Ihsdvjkd weewf leefhf’dhdh ieueib!!!

Giant: Pwefoiw zdief Ekgdgd dlkdllkehfel!

Jon: Leathers, what the hell, man? Are you just carrying on a long conversation and telling jokes to each other.

Leathers: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Jon. It’s just that he looked sort of like a Giant I used to know, and we were chatting and it winds up that this guy’s brother went University of Frostfangs with my cousin, Andrew. And so I met this guy’s brother before once when I was hanging out with Andrew. Anyway, his name is Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. But you can call him “Wun Wun” for short.

Jon: *sigh* IS HE CHILL WITH US?

Leathers: Oh yeah, he’s chill with us. We can worship here at the trees and he won’t rip our arms off.

Jon looks around at the rest of the Wildlings. Beyond the giant there is a Thenn, a woman with a child, and a Hornfoot.  The others are, well, dead… so they don’t matter.

Jon: Go on, let’s say the words.

The new recruits kneel down and say the words.

Everyone: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.

Jon: Good callback. Anyway, it is done.  But you know what? That stuff about protecting the realms of men? That really got me thinking… it’s our duty to protect ALL men. And women too, sorry. I meant “men” as in “mankind” as in “humankind.” All people, I mean. Including Free Folk. So why don’t you people come with me? I’ll take you back to Castle Black where you can be fed and protected.

Thenn: I hear that the Crows have been burning Wildling refugees alive!

Jon: Not true. FAKE NEWS. We only burn the bodies of those who are already dead so they will not come back as Wights. You have my word that if you come with me, I will protect you.

Leathers also translates this to Wun Wun.

The Wildlings all look at each other.

Wildlings: Sure, why the hell not?

And so they head back to Castle Black, with yet more new people (and mouths to feed).

Jon: Bring the dead bodies too.

Emmett: WHAT?! Why?!

Jon: I want to put them in the Ice Cells.

Emmett: For what reason? Oh wait! Is it because the people of the south don’t believe that Wights exist? And you want these corpses to come back from the dead so that you can lock one up in a box, take it to Kings Landing, and prove that they do exist so that the south will send forces to help?

Jon: That seems like a dumb idea and definitely not anything worth losing a dragon over.

Emmett: Huh?

Jon: What?

Emmett: Never mind.

They get back to the Wall. Of course when Jon gets there, he finds a letter waiting for him with Stannis’s seal.

Jon: Ugh. What does ol’ Grumpypants have to say now? Hrmm. “Dead Jon Snow, I have successfully allied with the mountain clans and Alysane Mormont and taken Deepwood Motte, which was totally my idea by the way. And yes, I said Alysane Mormont. Not Lyanna. My troops number over 5000 strong now and continue to grow. I have learned that Ramsay Bolton is planning to marry your half sister Arya. When I attack Winterfell and kill everyone there, I’ll try to save her if I can and if I feel like it. If she does live, I’ll find her a better match than Ramsay Bolton. But then again that isn’t hard because Ted Freakin’ Bundy would probably be a better match. I’m totes excited about the attack, especially with the help of my new best friends the Karstarks. Ah yes, the totally reliable and trustworthy Karstarks. They’re the best. I think I might have new friends for life with them. Anyway, I’m running out of ink. Bye! –Stannis.”

Jon looks at the letter, which is super weird. But then again, Stannis is weird.

Jon: Hrm. Melisandre saw Arya escaping without Stannis’s help. Do I even need Stannis’s help? Or is this all BS. Maybe the Boltons don’t evn have Arya and the whole thing is a lie. Maybe they’re just SAYING that they have Arya to tempt Stannis to attack Winterfell, where they have a pretty good defensive position. And then there is Mel’s plan with Mance. Mance and six spearwives were sent off to Winterfell in disguise to rescue Arya. This also now seems like a good time to mention something that I have never mentioned before – that as a boy my hero was always Daeron Targaryen, the boy king who conquered Dorne. Isn’t odd that I’m all of a sudden just now name-dropping that I have a Targaryen dragon hero? Almost like I wish I was one. Although if I was one, I suppose I'd be into doing stuff like kissing my aunt. Which would be gross. Although if all my auntie wanted was a kiss or else she'd go crazy and burn down all of Kings's Landing, I suppose I should just suck it up and give her a kiss.

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