Jon Snow tells Alliser Thorne that he’s about to be sent out on ranger patrol. Needless to say, Alliser is not happy.
Alliser: I’m not happy!
Jon: Obviously. You're never happy about anything. You're a perpetually angry douche.
Alliser: You’re sending me out in the hopes that I die! Just know that if I do, you’re still not rid of me. I’ll come back as a Wight to kill you.
Jon: As much as you dying would be totally awesome, I need as many men as I can, and I need Rangers. I, reluctantly, don’t actually want you to die. I simply need skilled men to help me against the Wights and the Others. It’s already bad enough that everyone hates me for recruiting the Wildlings. Cotter Pyke and Denys Mallister have flipped their lids that I wanted to send them Free Folk.
Jon then heads off to Iron Emmett, who is now in charge of training new recruits.
Jon: So who are the best new recruits?
Emmett: Arron, Emrick, and Jace.
Jon: Oh. Don’t tell me I have to remember those names.
Emmett: Not really.
Jon: Because they sound like the name of gang members you'd gave to face as sub-bosses in a 1990's side-scrolling video game.
Emmett: They do.
Jon: Anyway, I’ll take them on and fight them!
He does so, and easily wins. He tries not to be a total dick about it like he used to be in the past though.
Jon: Erm… good work, guys. A little more training and you’ll be ready.
He pats them on the back. Then someone in the crowd slow claps.
Rattleshirt: Good work, defeating those little baby crows, Jon. But why don’t you face a REAL MAN, like me. Manc---uhhh…. “Rattleshirt.”
Jon: Grrr. Stupid Rattleshirt. I hate that guy. Stannis burned the wrong man. He should have burned Rattleshirt instead of Mance.
Rattleshirt: Wow. Really? A little too on the nose there, Jon. Is that lazy writing or what?
Jon: Still, I’ll fight you though.
The two begin to fight, and Rattleshirt is pretty good. How good? Well, he wins… for one.
Jon: Gosh, that sucked.
Rattleshirt: I should probably kill you now where you lay.
Other men of the Night’s Watch rush up and pull Rattleshirt away.
Night’s Watch Soldier: Did you hear that? He threatened the life of the Lord Commander! We should kill him!
Jon: No! Stop. Let him go.
Jon continues on to go see Clydas.
Clydas: YEEEEE-HAWWWW! Them Duke Boys sure are tearing things up, Boss Hogg!
Jon: Shut up and let’s get on with the plot.
Clydas: Here is a message from Ramsay Bolton that came by Raven! It says that he’s a rootin’ tootin’ marrying your half-sister, Arya Stark!
Jon: Whatever, I don’t care. She’s not my sister anymore. Not since I joined the Night’s Watch. I took an oath and severed all my ties.
But Jon is lying. Jon does care and he loves Arya. She’s his favorite sister. He is super upset and goes out walking along the cold wall with Ghost. There, he runs into a redhead.
Jon: Y-ygritte?!
Melisandre: No, idiot. I’m the only redhead woman at the Wall. I mean, other than some random Wildlings girls who may or may not be around here. Whatever. I see you’re being mopey. Care to tell me why?
Jon: Why would I? It’s not like we’re best friends and I’m going to share stuff with you about my sister Arya Stark being forcibly married to Ramsay Bolton. Oh wait. I just told you. DAMN!
Mel: I have seen this in my flames! Do not despair, Jon Snow! Your sister can be saved. I have seen her fleeing from Winterfell on a horse, heading in our direction. Oh. Also, may I pet your doggo? He’s super cute. Almost as cute as you.
Jon: Weird.
He calls Ghost over and Ghost lets Mel pet him. Jon thinks that’s strange, because his wolf usually hates everyone else other than him. Mel hugs Ghost and Ghost licks her face.
Mel: Warmth calls to warmth. You should embrace the power that you and this wolf have, Jon Snow. Not flee from it has you have been your whole life. I can teach you how to use your powers. Join with me. Join with me and I will show you how to use your shadow.
Jon: Just to be clear, by “join with me,” you’re talking about having sex, right?
Mel: Obviously.
Jon: Sorcery is a sword without a hilt. There is no safe way to grasp it.
Mel: By wearing chainmail gloves?
Jon: …
Mel: I mean… that would work, right?
Jon: Uh… I suppose.
Mel: At any rate, a sword is still a sword. And you need swords, right?
Jon: Yes.
Mel: And I need you to stick your sword in me.
Jon: ENOUGH! Stop coming onto me, woman.
Mel: You do not trust my advice or visions now. That I see. You will pay a price for that, Jon Snow. Three lives to be exact. You have sent out nine rangers. Three will not return. That I have seen in my dreams. Or they will return, actually. Just without eyes. A small price to pay for wisdom, it’s true. But not a price you needed to pay. Remember that when you see the blind and ravaged faces of your dead.
Jon: Wow, that’s dark.
Mel: And on that day… come to me. Come and take my hand. Take my hand and help me save your sister!
Jon: … And…?
Mel: And also stick that hand up in inside me and give me a good finger-blasting.
Jon: *sigh*
Mel then walks into the snow, takes off her necklace, turns into an old woman, and dies.
Mel: No I don't.
Okay, she doesn't.
Yet.
Alliser: I’m not happy!
Jon: Obviously. You're never happy about anything. You're a perpetually angry douche.
Alliser: You’re sending me out in the hopes that I die! Just know that if I do, you’re still not rid of me. I’ll come back as a Wight to kill you.
Jon: As much as you dying would be totally awesome, I need as many men as I can, and I need Rangers. I, reluctantly, don’t actually want you to die. I simply need skilled men to help me against the Wights and the Others. It’s already bad enough that everyone hates me for recruiting the Wildlings. Cotter Pyke and Denys Mallister have flipped their lids that I wanted to send them Free Folk.
Jon then heads off to Iron Emmett, who is now in charge of training new recruits.
Jon: So who are the best new recruits?
Emmett: Arron, Emrick, and Jace.
Jon: Oh. Don’t tell me I have to remember those names.
Emmett: Not really.
Jon: Because they sound like the name of gang members you'd gave to face as sub-bosses in a 1990's side-scrolling video game.
Emmett: They do.
Jon: Anyway, I’ll take them on and fight them!
He does so, and easily wins. He tries not to be a total dick about it like he used to be in the past though.
Jon: Erm… good work, guys. A little more training and you’ll be ready.
He pats them on the back. Then someone in the crowd slow claps.
Rattleshirt: Good work, defeating those little baby crows, Jon. But why don’t you face a REAL MAN, like me. Manc---uhhh…. “Rattleshirt.”
Jon: Grrr. Stupid Rattleshirt. I hate that guy. Stannis burned the wrong man. He should have burned Rattleshirt instead of Mance.
Rattleshirt: Wow. Really? A little too on the nose there, Jon. Is that lazy writing or what?
Jon: Still, I’ll fight you though.
The two begin to fight, and Rattleshirt is pretty good. How good? Well, he wins… for one.
Jon: Gosh, that sucked.
Rattleshirt: I should probably kill you now where you lay.
Other men of the Night’s Watch rush up and pull Rattleshirt away.
Night’s Watch Soldier: Did you hear that? He threatened the life of the Lord Commander! We should kill him!
Jon: No! Stop. Let him go.
Jon continues on to go see Clydas.
Clydas: YEEEEE-HAWWWW! Them Duke Boys sure are tearing things up, Boss Hogg!
Jon: Shut up and let’s get on with the plot.
Clydas: Here is a message from Ramsay Bolton that came by Raven! It says that he’s a rootin’ tootin’ marrying your half-sister, Arya Stark!
Jon: Whatever, I don’t care. She’s not my sister anymore. Not since I joined the Night’s Watch. I took an oath and severed all my ties.
But Jon is lying. Jon does care and he loves Arya. She’s his favorite sister. He is super upset and goes out walking along the cold wall with Ghost. There, he runs into a redhead.
Jon: Y-ygritte?!
Melisandre: No, idiot. I’m the only redhead woman at the Wall. I mean, other than some random Wildlings girls who may or may not be around here. Whatever. I see you’re being mopey. Care to tell me why?
Jon: Why would I? It’s not like we’re best friends and I’m going to share stuff with you about my sister Arya Stark being forcibly married to Ramsay Bolton. Oh wait. I just told you. DAMN!
Mel: I have seen this in my flames! Do not despair, Jon Snow! Your sister can be saved. I have seen her fleeing from Winterfell on a horse, heading in our direction. Oh. Also, may I pet your doggo? He’s super cute. Almost as cute as you.
Jon: Weird.
He calls Ghost over and Ghost lets Mel pet him. Jon thinks that’s strange, because his wolf usually hates everyone else other than him. Mel hugs Ghost and Ghost licks her face.
Mel: Warmth calls to warmth. You should embrace the power that you and this wolf have, Jon Snow. Not flee from it has you have been your whole life. I can teach you how to use your powers. Join with me. Join with me and I will show you how to use your shadow.
Jon: Just to be clear, by “join with me,” you’re talking about having sex, right?
Mel: Obviously.
Jon: Sorcery is a sword without a hilt. There is no safe way to grasp it.
Mel: By wearing chainmail gloves?
Jon: …
Mel: I mean… that would work, right?
Jon: Uh… I suppose.
Mel: At any rate, a sword is still a sword. And you need swords, right?
Jon: Yes.
Mel: And I need you to stick your sword in me.
Jon: ENOUGH! Stop coming onto me, woman.
Mel: You do not trust my advice or visions now. That I see. You will pay a price for that, Jon Snow. Three lives to be exact. You have sent out nine rangers. Three will not return. That I have seen in my dreams. Or they will return, actually. Just without eyes. A small price to pay for wisdom, it’s true. But not a price you needed to pay. Remember that when you see the blind and ravaged faces of your dead.
Jon: Wow, that’s dark.
Mel: And on that day… come to me. Come and take my hand. Take my hand and help me save your sister!
Jon: … And…?
Mel: And also stick that hand up in inside me and give me a good finger-blasting.
Jon: *sigh*
Mel then walks into the snow, takes off her necklace, turns into an old woman, and dies.
Mel: No I don't.
Okay, she doesn't.
Yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment