Melisandre stares into the flames and prays to R’hllor looking for visions of Stannis. But instead of Stannis she sees eyeless faces weeping blood.
Mel: Those are probably the guys I warned Jon Snow about in his last POV chapter. The three men I told him would come back dead without eyes. Or, possibly the Weirwood trees that Jon Snow previously saw carved into trees that he tried to hide from me. There were three of them, and weirwood tree sap appears to look like blood quite often.
She sees towers crumbling into the sea as a dark wave comes by.
Mel: Maybe Eastwatch falling? Or being attacked. I’m basing that more on the TV show than anything else. It is the tower right by the sea, so it’s not a huge stretch.
She sees shadows shaped like skulls, skulls turning to mist, bodies locked together in lust, writhing around.
Mel: Uhh… At first I figured it was just generically about the armies of the dead. Maybe it still is. But that “locked together in lust” thing is confusing me.
She sees great winged shadows against a hard blue sky.
Mel: I’m going to guess Dany’s dragons. But that’s not what I want to see. I want to see that girl, Arya Stark! Jon Snow will want me to find her. I want him to like me SOOOO BAD. He’s so cute and I want to save his sister so that maybe we can have the hot sex.
She looks for Arya, but as she gets a glimpse, her vision vanishes into ash. Instead she sees a wooden face, corpse white. A thousand red eyes.
Mel: White faces makes me think White Walkers / Others, obviously. But the “wooden” and “red eyes” part makes me think about faces on weirwood trees again. I dunno.
She sees a boy with a wolf’s face howl.
Mel: Bran or Jon or possibly even Robb. Basically, they can all warg. Or could, in the case of Robb.
Next, instead of seeing into the future, Mel remembers her past. Blood flows down her legs and—
Mel: —What? Really?! Is it really necessary to mention that I’m on my period in this chapter? Gross and unnecessary narration there!
Sorry.
Mel: Don’t let it happen again, that’s super embarrassing.
Anyway, back to the flashback. Mel is in the past.
Mel: So are you sympathizing with me yet, everyone? Oh yeah, everyone hates Mel. She’s that evil red witch that burns people to death. But now you all know that I was a small girl named Melony that was stolen from my mother and sold into SLAVERY to the red priests. I hope you feel bad for me now.
She goes back to looking into the flames for more things. More skulls and grey skies and cliffs and fires burning out one by one. Stuff like that.
Mel: I’m just going to generically say that’s all about “death,” the enemy.
The flames crackle slowly. Mel hears them trying to tell her something. They say:
Flames: *whispering* Jon Snow.
She sees a his face. But then the face turns into a wolf. Then back to a man again.
Mel: Jon Snow warging into Ghost when he’s killed, only to go back into his body again. That vision is easy. Probably. Too much set up with the Varamyr prologue chapter for this to not be the case. But that’s not what I wanted to see! I wanted to see Azor Ahai! I pray to R’hllor again and again for a glimpse of Azor Ahai… but R’hllor only shows me Snow!
…
Mel: What? What?
…
Mel: What? Why has the narrator gone all silent on me?
Could you repeat that last line?
Mel: Huh? You mean “I pray for a glimpse of Azor Ahai, but R’hllor only shows me Snow?”
Yep, that’s the one.
Mel: What about it?
…
Mel: Oh. OH. OH. OHHHHHHHH. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Jesus, this is super obvious, isn’t it?
Jesus?
Mel: I mean, uhhh, “R’hllor.” Crap, I need a drink. Devon!
Davos’s son, Devon, comes up.
Devon: Yes, m’lady?
Mel: A drink of water please.
Devon fetches her some water and she drinks it quickly. She looks at him and sees him looking back at her.
Mel: He wants me. Now go fetch me Rattleshirt, will you?
Devon goes to do that.
As Devon is gone getting “Rattleshirt,” she looks over all of her potions and powders and magic shit.
Mel: Hrm. My supplies are running low. But I just got to remind myself… I’m the one with the power. It’s not the potions. It’s me. And my powers are stronger here by the Wall. The Wall is magic, and it makes me stronger. All those potions? They’re basically cheap tricks.
Robin Zander: I waaaaaant you to want me. I neeed you to neee—
Mel: No. Stop.
Devon comes back… with Rattleshirt, who is not wearing his trademark Suit-o-Bones.
Mel: Whattup with the outfit? I wanna see DEM BONES, yo!
Rattleshirt: Why? All those bones going clickity-clack together was driving me insane.
Mel: The bones protect you, it is part of the spell that makes people see what they are SUPPOSED to see. If that fails… they will see who you really are. And they will kill you.
Rattleshirt: Fine. Whatever.
Mel: Hey, I want to tell you about some really messed up visions that I had. Something about three dead guys coming back without eyes.
Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, oh yeah. That’s “the Weeper’s” signature. He cuts out people’s eyeballs. He’s one of us Free Folk. Sorry if we haven’t mentioned him in the past that much, it’s just that he’s a pretty useless and unimportant character. Although if the Weeper is in charge of the Free Folk now… that’s a bad thing. I was thinking that maybe they would follow Tormund.
Mel: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t give a shit. Now let’s talk about Jon Snow’s little sister. I need to save her in order to gain the Lord Commander’s trust so that maybe we can go out on a date.
Rattleshirt: Eww.
Horn: *BLOWS*
Mel: Oh hell… a horn blowing! That’s announcing the return of Rangers.
Mel leaves the room and goes down to the Wall. There she finds Jon Snow examining the EYELESS FACES of three rangers who have been skewered and planted in the ground.
Jon: Ah, shit. Well take their bodies and burn them before they turn into Wights.
He turns around and sees Mel.
Jon: I guess we need to talk.
Mel: WE DO!
She smiles and pulls out the sex lube. Jon knocks it out of her hands.
Jon: I SAID “TALK.” Not that.
They walk and talk together.
Jon: Well, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. You told me. You said I would send out nine Rangers, and three would come back dead. So what of the six other Rangers?
Mel: I promise to look for them in my flames.
Jon: I hear reports of Wildlings assembling opposite of the Shadow Tower.
Mel: Speaking of towers, I had a vision of towers submerged in waves and darkness.
Jon: Hrm. So we’re playing the cryptic prophecy game, huh? Well, maybe you’re seeing Eastwatch, because it’s by the ocean.
Mel: Yeah, I guess. I mean. Maybe. Sure. That’s what I thought about first, because… you know… the TV show, that’s where the Others break through. But now, I dunno. I’m not so sure anymore. ANYWAY, you should probably come back to my bedroo—uhh, I mean “room” to talk further.
Jon: NO MEL! I don’t want to sleep with you.
Mel: It’s not that, I swear! I have something waiting for you back in the room. A surprise.
Jon: that sounds sexual again.
Mel: It’s not, I promise.
They go back to Mel’s room. Rattleshirt is there.
Jon: Rattleshirt. REALLY?! Now I wish it was just sex with you.
Mel: Really? Okay, get the hell out of here Rattleshirt.
Rattleshirt: WHAT? But I waited for you here the entire time. Plus weren’t you about to send me out on a mission to save Jon’s sister?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! Rattleshirt is the worst. He’s a murderer. He’d probably rape and kill Arya before he saved her. We can’t trust him at all.
Mel: You think so? Well what about Mance Rayder. What would he do?
Jon: It doesn’t matter what Mance would do, because you burned him to dea—
Mel does some flashy hand movements, and Rattleshirt transforms into Mance.
Jon: WHAT THE…
Mel: It’s called a “Glamor.” It’s a magical spell to make Mance look like Rattleshirt.
Jon: So you burned…
Mance: Yes, it was Rattleshirt that they burned.
Jon: Well, that explains why when we put Mance to the flames, he kept screaming that they had the wrong person.
Mance: Correct.
Jon: It also explains why Rattleshirt was a lot less of a dick than he used to be, and also started to get all musical and playing all those songs that Mance used to play.
Mel: That’s also true. Quite observant of you.
Jon: It also explains the one time Rattleshirt got drunk, threw all of his bones off and ran around Castle Black screaming naked, “HEY EVERYONE, I’M MANCE REALLY ! YEP, I’M MANCE AND MELISANDRE PUT A THING CALLED A ‘GLAMOR’ ON ME TO LOOK LIKE RATTLESHIRT, BUT I’M NOT.”
Mel: WHAT?! Did you do that, Mance?
Mance: Just the once. But like Jon said, I was drunk. Nobody believed it.
Jon: Then after that, Rattleshirt screamed, “I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I’M DRUNK, BUT REST ASSURED IF YOU PUT TOGETHER ALL THE CLUES, YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM CLEARLY MANCE.”
Mel angrily glares as Mance.
Mance: What? WHAT?! Everybody makes mistakes.
Mel: *ahem* Anyway Jon Snow, Mance owes his life to you. He will not betray you. I told you that the Lord of Light would answer your prayers to save your little sister. Here is Arya’s deliverance… a gift from the Lord of Light… and from me.
Jon: *sigh* Okay. Thanks?
Mel: Words are wind. You could TELL me that you’re thankful, or you should SHOW ME that you’re thankful.
Jon: …
Mel: I’m talking about cunnilingus.
Jon: You know what? I’d honestly do it now because technically I don’t think that breaks my vow since there is no way I can “father a child” with you… except earlier in the chapter the narrator clearly established that you were on your period.
Mel: DAMNIT, NARRATOR! YOU COCK-BLOCKED ME!!!!!!
Mance: You know, beyond the wall we say that a real man loves his woman every day of the month.
Jon: Wow, you Wildlings are super freaky deaky.
Mel: Those are probably the guys I warned Jon Snow about in his last POV chapter. The three men I told him would come back dead without eyes. Or, possibly the Weirwood trees that Jon Snow previously saw carved into trees that he tried to hide from me. There were three of them, and weirwood tree sap appears to look like blood quite often.
She sees towers crumbling into the sea as a dark wave comes by.
Mel: Maybe Eastwatch falling? Or being attacked. I’m basing that more on the TV show than anything else. It is the tower right by the sea, so it’s not a huge stretch.
She sees shadows shaped like skulls, skulls turning to mist, bodies locked together in lust, writhing around.
Mel: Uhh… At first I figured it was just generically about the armies of the dead. Maybe it still is. But that “locked together in lust” thing is confusing me.
She sees great winged shadows against a hard blue sky.
Mel: I’m going to guess Dany’s dragons. But that’s not what I want to see. I want to see that girl, Arya Stark! Jon Snow will want me to find her. I want him to like me SOOOO BAD. He’s so cute and I want to save his sister so that maybe we can have the hot sex.
She looks for Arya, but as she gets a glimpse, her vision vanishes into ash. Instead she sees a wooden face, corpse white. A thousand red eyes.
Mel: White faces makes me think White Walkers / Others, obviously. But the “wooden” and “red eyes” part makes me think about faces on weirwood trees again. I dunno.
She sees a boy with a wolf’s face howl.
Mel: Bran or Jon or possibly even Robb. Basically, they can all warg. Or could, in the case of Robb.
Next, instead of seeing into the future, Mel remembers her past. Blood flows down her legs and—
Mel: —What? Really?! Is it really necessary to mention that I’m on my period in this chapter? Gross and unnecessary narration there!
Sorry.
Mel: Don’t let it happen again, that’s super embarrassing.
Anyway, back to the flashback. Mel is in the past.
Slave Trader: Lot Number Seven! SOLD!
Woman: Melony! Melony! Noooo!!!!!
Baby Mel: MOMMY!
Mel: So are you sympathizing with me yet, everyone? Oh yeah, everyone hates Mel. She’s that evil red witch that burns people to death. But now you all know that I was a small girl named Melony that was stolen from my mother and sold into SLAVERY to the red priests. I hope you feel bad for me now.
She goes back to looking into the flames for more things. More skulls and grey skies and cliffs and fires burning out one by one. Stuff like that.
Mel: I’m just going to generically say that’s all about “death,” the enemy.
The flames crackle slowly. Mel hears them trying to tell her something. They say:
Flames: *whispering* Jon Snow.
She sees a his face. But then the face turns into a wolf. Then back to a man again.
Mel: Jon Snow warging into Ghost when he’s killed, only to go back into his body again. That vision is easy. Probably. Too much set up with the Varamyr prologue chapter for this to not be the case. But that’s not what I wanted to see! I wanted to see Azor Ahai! I pray to R’hllor again and again for a glimpse of Azor Ahai… but R’hllor only shows me Snow!
…
Mel: What? What?
…
Mel: What? Why has the narrator gone all silent on me?
Could you repeat that last line?
Mel: Huh? You mean “I pray for a glimpse of Azor Ahai, but R’hllor only shows me Snow?”
Yep, that’s the one.
Mel: What about it?
…
Mel: Oh. OH. OH. OHHHHHHHH. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Jesus, this is super obvious, isn’t it?
Jesus?
Mel: I mean, uhhh, “R’hllor.” Crap, I need a drink. Devon!
Davos’s son, Devon, comes up.
Devon: Yes, m’lady?
Mel: A drink of water please.
Devon fetches her some water and she drinks it quickly. She looks at him and sees him looking back at her.
Mel: He wants me. Now go fetch me Rattleshirt, will you?
Devon goes to do that.
As Devon is gone getting “Rattleshirt,” she looks over all of her potions and powders and magic shit.
Mel: Hrm. My supplies are running low. But I just got to remind myself… I’m the one with the power. It’s not the potions. It’s me. And my powers are stronger here by the Wall. The Wall is magic, and it makes me stronger. All those potions? They’re basically cheap tricks.
Robin Zander: I waaaaaant you to want me. I neeed you to neee—
Mel: No. Stop.
Devon comes back… with Rattleshirt, who is not wearing his trademark Suit-o-Bones.
Mel: Whattup with the outfit? I wanna see DEM BONES, yo!
Rattleshirt: Why? All those bones going clickity-clack together was driving me insane.
Mel: The bones protect you, it is part of the spell that makes people see what they are SUPPOSED to see. If that fails… they will see who you really are. And they will kill you.
Rattleshirt: Fine. Whatever.
Mel: Hey, I want to tell you about some really messed up visions that I had. Something about three dead guys coming back without eyes.
Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, oh yeah. That’s “the Weeper’s” signature. He cuts out people’s eyeballs. He’s one of us Free Folk. Sorry if we haven’t mentioned him in the past that much, it’s just that he’s a pretty useless and unimportant character. Although if the Weeper is in charge of the Free Folk now… that’s a bad thing. I was thinking that maybe they would follow Tormund.
Mel: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t give a shit. Now let’s talk about Jon Snow’s little sister. I need to save her in order to gain the Lord Commander’s trust so that maybe we can go out on a date.
Rattleshirt: Eww.
Horn: *BLOWS*
Mel: Oh hell… a horn blowing! That’s announcing the return of Rangers.
Mel leaves the room and goes down to the Wall. There she finds Jon Snow examining the EYELESS FACES of three rangers who have been skewered and planted in the ground.
Jon: Ah, shit. Well take their bodies and burn them before they turn into Wights.
He turns around and sees Mel.
Jon: I guess we need to talk.
Mel: WE DO!
She smiles and pulls out the sex lube. Jon knocks it out of her hands.
Jon: I SAID “TALK.” Not that.
They walk and talk together.
Jon: Well, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. You told me. You said I would send out nine Rangers, and three would come back dead. So what of the six other Rangers?
Mel: I promise to look for them in my flames.
Jon: I hear reports of Wildlings assembling opposite of the Shadow Tower.
Mel: Speaking of towers, I had a vision of towers submerged in waves and darkness.
Jon: Hrm. So we’re playing the cryptic prophecy game, huh? Well, maybe you’re seeing Eastwatch, because it’s by the ocean.
Mel: Yeah, I guess. I mean. Maybe. Sure. That’s what I thought about first, because… you know… the TV show, that’s where the Others break through. But now, I dunno. I’m not so sure anymore. ANYWAY, you should probably come back to my bedroo—uhh, I mean “room” to talk further.
Jon: NO MEL! I don’t want to sleep with you.
Mel: It’s not that, I swear! I have something waiting for you back in the room. A surprise.
Jon: that sounds sexual again.
Mel: It’s not, I promise.
They go back to Mel’s room. Rattleshirt is there.
Jon: Rattleshirt. REALLY?! Now I wish it was just sex with you.
Mel: Really? Okay, get the hell out of here Rattleshirt.
Rattleshirt: WHAT? But I waited for you here the entire time. Plus weren’t you about to send me out on a mission to save Jon’s sister?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! Rattleshirt is the worst. He’s a murderer. He’d probably rape and kill Arya before he saved her. We can’t trust him at all.
Mel: You think so? Well what about Mance Rayder. What would he do?
Jon: It doesn’t matter what Mance would do, because you burned him to dea—
Mel does some flashy hand movements, and Rattleshirt transforms into Mance.
Jon: WHAT THE…
Mel: It’s called a “Glamor.” It’s a magical spell to make Mance look like Rattleshirt.
Jon: So you burned…
Mance: Yes, it was Rattleshirt that they burned.
Jon: Well, that explains why when we put Mance to the flames, he kept screaming that they had the wrong person.
Mance: Correct.
Jon: It also explains why Rattleshirt was a lot less of a dick than he used to be, and also started to get all musical and playing all those songs that Mance used to play.
Mel: That’s also true. Quite observant of you.
Jon: It also explains the one time Rattleshirt got drunk, threw all of his bones off and ran around Castle Black screaming naked, “HEY EVERYONE, I’M MANCE REALLY ! YEP, I’M MANCE AND MELISANDRE PUT A THING CALLED A ‘GLAMOR’ ON ME TO LOOK LIKE RATTLESHIRT, BUT I’M NOT.”
Mel: WHAT?! Did you do that, Mance?
Mance: Just the once. But like Jon said, I was drunk. Nobody believed it.
Jon: Then after that, Rattleshirt screamed, “I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I’M DRUNK, BUT REST ASSURED IF YOU PUT TOGETHER ALL THE CLUES, YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM CLEARLY MANCE.”
Mel angrily glares as Mance.
Mance: What? WHAT?! Everybody makes mistakes.
Mel: *ahem* Anyway Jon Snow, Mance owes his life to you. He will not betray you. I told you that the Lord of Light would answer your prayers to save your little sister. Here is Arya’s deliverance… a gift from the Lord of Light… and from me.
Jon: *sigh* Okay. Thanks?
Mel: Words are wind. You could TELL me that you’re thankful, or you should SHOW ME that you’re thankful.
Jon: …
Mel: I’m talking about cunnilingus.
Jon: You know what? I’d honestly do it now because technically I don’t think that breaks my vow since there is no way I can “father a child” with you… except earlier in the chapter the narrator clearly established that you were on your period.
Mel: DAMNIT, NARRATOR! YOU COCK-BLOCKED ME!!!!!!
Mance: You know, beyond the wall we say that a real man loves his woman every day of the month.
Jon: Wow, you Wildlings are super freaky deaky.
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