Areo Hotah (yeah… that’s right… we’re back in freakin’ Dorne again) watches as Ser Balon Swann of the Kingsguard arrives Sunspear.
Balon: Hey guys, I brought you this gift.
He puts a box on the table. It’s a big box and everyone looks at it. Areo, Prince Doran, Princess Arianne, and Oberyn’s mistress/widow – Ellaria Sand. Also there are the Sand Snakes – Nymeria, Obara and Tyene. Aero isn’t quite sure why Prince Doran let them out at all. Aero doesn’t trust them. All they want to do is rebel and declare war on the Lannisters.
Doran: Go on, open it.
Balon opens the box. It is a giant skull.
Balon: The skull of Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane.
Tyene: Did he suffer?
Balon: Dark question. But yes. And you don’t have to take my word for it. You can pretty much ask anyone in the Red Keep and they’ll tell you stories about Gregor slowly dying, his screams echoing through the hallways for weeks.
Doran: Excellent. Prince Tommen has delivered on his promise for the head of the man who killed my dear sister Elia, all those years ago. A propose a toast! To King Tommen!
He holds up a glass and toasts. A number of other people join him. Areo notices that exactly ZERO of the Sand Snakes joined in on the toast.
Doran: Now let the feast begin!
Thus begins a feast to honor the arrival of Balon Swann. Throughout the feast, the Mountain’s skull remains sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the hall.
It’s not the first feast that Balon has been treated to, as he suffered through dozens of them, as Prince Doran ordered him stopped at every town in Dorne to delay his final arrival here in Sunspear. Areo jealously looks at Princess Arianne gets all up on Balon.
Arianne: Hey cowboy. Wow, those sure are some big muscles you have.
Balon: Uh huh.
As Arianne is all over him, the next course of the feast comes out. It’s a bunch of sugar skulls.
Balon: Is this Día de Muertos or something?
Arianne: Hahaha, you’re so funny, Balon! Funny and cute! Yeah, we in Dorne have a pretty sick sense of humor.
She starts to rub the swan clasps that hold his cape onto his armor.
Arianne: I freaking love swans. I think they’re the cutest animals.
Balon: Uh, right. I mean they’re no peacocks or anything.
He politely nods and sips some wine.
Arianne backs off, sighing. Areo knows that Balon won’t be as easily seduced by her as that dumbass Arys Oakheart, his fellow Kingsguard, was.
Balon: Say, where is Arys anyway? I thought that I would—
Doran: —OH HEY BALON! Thanks for sending me that letter from Cersei. It was so nice of her to invite Myrcella and Trystane to come back up to Kings Landing, and for me to go up with them as well and take a seat on King Tommen’s small council. I’d love to go on the trip!
Balon: Oh great. Then pretty soon we can head out on our way and—
Doran: —But I’d prefer to go by sea rather than back by land like how you came here. You know how gout-ey I am these days. I’m not sure I’d be able to take that long, arduous land voyage with my current health.
Balon: Sea, Prince Doran? But isn’t the sea loaded with pirates and Ironborn raiders? Seems pretty dangerous. You would almost certainly die that way. No, you'll be much safer going with me by land.
Doran: Hrm. If you say so. I guess we can talk about it more later. At the Water Gardens! That’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you!
Balon: And Arys Oakheart?
Doran: Like I said, it’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you. You know who these Water Gardens were built for? A princess named Daenerys Targaryen!
Balon: Really? Daenerys?
Doran: Oh, not THIS Daenerys. Her namesake, the daughter of King Aegon IV and sister to Daeron II. She was betrothed to the Prince of Dorne, Maron Martell. That deal to marry her allowed Dorne to finally bend the knee and join the Seven Kingdoms, after years and years of resisting. Prince Maron had the Water Guardens built as a beautiful gift to her. There, their children played in the water and had fun. After a while, she wanted to change the policy so that all the children could play in the Water Gardens, even the children of servants and poor kids. It started a tradition that lasts to this day! Very egalitarian, no?
Balon: Uhh… sure?
Daron: Now if you’ll excuse me, this has been quite a feast and I need to head back to my chambers to rest.
He slowly picks himself up, and limps back to his room. Areo joins him and helps him along. The Sand Snakes and immediate Martell family join as well. As they leave, Obara starts to quietly complain.
Obara: Ugh. You’re such a moron, uncle. You can’t be serious about sending Trystane away to King’s Landing – can you?
Doran: SHHH! Shut the fuck up until we’re safely back in my chambers, and we can have a private conversation. Dumb ass bitch.
Cut to them being back in Doran’s private chamber. It takes a while though. Doran is even slower than Wyman Manderly. Areo guards the door. And listens.
Obara: Okay, so we’re all having a private convo now. What the hell are we going to do?
Tyene: The same thing Doran always does. Wait. Plot. DO NOTHING. Nobody does nothing better than Uncle Doran.
Arianne: SHHH! Show some fucking respect to my dad, you bitch ass ho.
Tyene: Oh please, like you haven’t agreed with me a thousand times about that.
Arianne helps her father sit down. His legs and feet are super swollen. Areo wants to cringe at how gross his Prince has become recently.
Meanwhile, Obara takes a look at the giant skull which has been brought back to the room with them.
Obara: So what did the Mountain look like? Are we sure this is his skull?
Nymeria: Yeah. How do we know that cunt Queen Cersei gave us the Gregor’s skull? Sure, everyone heard the Mountain screaming in pain. But nobody actually saw him die.
Tyene: Oh, trust me. The Mountain is dead. Our father’s poison is deadly… EVERY TIME! Thousands of people saw father’s poison-tipped spear hit the Mountain. If Oberyn cut The Mountain… then the Mountain died. Slowly and in agony. Just like everyone is saying.
The two other Sand Snakes nod their heads and agree. Their dad is awesome and he couldn’t have failed.
Obara: Well, with the Mountain dead, we now have vengeance for Elia. It’s a good start.
Ellaria: A good start? A good START? The Mountain killed Elia and Oberyn. Now he’s dead. If anyone ordered the Mountain to do it, it would have been Tywin Lannister. Now he’s dead. Joffrey Baratheon is now dead too. What do you mean “it’s a good start?” Who else needs to die? Tommen? Myrcella? Innocent children who had nothing to do with the sins of their grandfather? If this is the start… then what exactly is the END? You girls are some sick fucks.
Nymeria: Really? In the TV show you’re more blood thirsty than all of the rest of us. It ends with Casterly Rock destroyed and every Lannister in the world dead.
Tyene: Yeah, Ser Gregor’s skull sure does look lonely. I bet he’d like some company.
Ellaria: I saw my beloved Oberyn die! How many more need to die to fulfill your bloodlust? The Lannisters could march on us and destroy us. I have four girls myself. Will they need to die too in the wars to come?
Obara: War is coming, no matter what. I’m just trying to say we need to be on the winning side. Tommen is a small, incompetent boy. The Lannisters have the Ironborn molesting them in the West and Stannis in the North. Our enemies are in disarray. NOW THE TIME IS RIPE!
Ellaria: RIPE? Ripe for what? More skulls?
Obara: I don’t think skulls grow on trees like fruit, but it would be awesome if they did.
Doran: *sigh* Ellaria, go be with your little girls. I have some business to discuss with the Sand Snakes.
She nods and leaves.
Doran: Girls… why you gotta fuck with your father’s main squeeze like that?
Nymeria: Look, dad loved her… but she never understood him. War is what the Red Viper would have wanted. But OBVIOUSLY you agree with her, since you’re a weak ass bitch.
Doran: Ellaria understood your father in ways you could never imagine. But there are things she does not know. One thing she does not know, for instance, is that our war with the Lannisters has already begun.
Obara: Hahaha, oh yeah. Arianne has already seen to that by getting Arys Oakheart killed and Princess Myrcella’s ear chopped off.
Arianne: HEY! That’s not what happened at all. It was Darkstar who did it. He killed Arys and cut Myrcella’s ear. *wink*wink* Only now, Darkstar has retreated back to his castle where we can’t reach him.
The Sandsnakes all look at each other.
Nymeria: Well, the story is half-true at least. Will Balon actually believe it though?
Arianne: If Princess Myrcella tells them that it’s what happened.
Obara: Oh sure. Maybe she’ll tell that story today. But for the rest of her life? When she’s safely back in King’s Landing with her mom, Cersei? No way she keeps to that story forever. We’ll be exposed by Balon. We should kill him now.
Doran: SHUT UP! Geez, if the three of your weren’t Oberyn’s daughters, I would have you locked up back in that tower again. Now I’ve had enough of your stupid plots and accusations that I’m doing nothing. You think I’m worthless? You think I’m grass that can be walked all over? Do you know who thinks that too? The Lannisters. And that is exactly what I want them to think. But do you know something about grass? It’s where vipers live… ready to strike. Your father was the Red Viper. But a viper with grass to hide in won’t surprise anyone. They’ll see it coming a mile away. The Red Viper needed me. The Red Viper needed the grass. You think I’m nothing like my brother? You think he wanted war when I did not? But you think and know shit. We were on the same page. We made many plans together. Plans that we never told you about. Viper and Grass. Now that he is gone, I would like you to be involved in those plans. You can be my new vipers. My Sand Vipers. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can trust you three fucking morons enough for that to happen. You’re dipshit vipers more likely to bite your own asses than strike a Lannister.
The Sand Snakes look at each other. They had never seen this type of attitude come from their uncle before. He’s droppin’ shit hard.
Tyene: It’s doing NOTHING that has us frustrated, uncle. Just give us SOMETHING to do, and we will do it.
Doran: Words are fucking wind. You can say that you will follow my commands, but that’s worthless coming from you three dipshits. I mean just look how incompetent you were in the TV show.
Obara: HEY! Don’t judge us by the TV show! We rule in the books!
Doran: Swear to me. Swear to me on your father’s grave that you will do as I command. Cuz you all have to prove you’re ready for me to drop some knowledge on you.
Again, they look at each other. One by one, they bow and swear.
Doran: Good, good. Now I can actually tell you all some things. Dorne is not without friends at the King’s Court. And boy to I have some juicy stuff for you. You remember how Balon Swann invited me to Kings Landing? And then his face turned whiter than a GOP convention when I mentioned heading there by sea instead of land? That’s because shorty already has his orders from Cersei. Going by sea would have ruined the whole plan. There was to be an “ambush” on the road. Tystane would be murdered, with me as a witness to see the whole thing. The raiders would be a bunch of people shouting “Half-man! Half-man!” Balon Swann would even swear he saw Tyrion in the group, leading them. Of course, nobody else would see it.
Tyene: Trystane!? Why the hell would Cersei want poor, innocent, young Trystane dead? He’s just a boy!
Doran: Because she’s a fucking monster. And it ends the engagement between Trystane and Myrcella so she can have her back for her own purposes. And to blame Tyrion for all of her problems in the world and have me take her side.
Obara: Give me my spear and I’ll kill Balon now. I’ll kill all of them!
Doran: Balon is a guest beneath my roof and has eaten with us. I will not allow him to be harmed. Did you not just read that last Theon chapter? Bitches who break the sacred laws of guest right get their own family members served to them. No. Balon will go to the Water Gardens and hear Myrcella’s story. He will send a raven to his queen, saying what happened. And I will “beg” him to go hunt down Darkstar in High Hermitage to avenge the death of his brother of the Kingsguard and the maiming of Myrcella. OBARA! You will accompany him. Lead Balon to Darkstar. That is your mission.
Obara: It… it shall be done, Prince Doran.
Doran: NYMERIA… our war against King’s Landing must remain a secret for now. So we must return Myrcella, just as Cersei asks. But I shall not go with her as Cersei wants. You shall go to King’s Landing in my stead, and take my seat on the Small Council, just as your father the Red Viper did for me. Be careful though. For King’s Landing is a pit of… well…
Nymeria: Yes. Vipers. I shall do as you say, Uncle.
Doran: And last, for you TYENE. Your mother was a Septa, was she not?
Tyene: Well, not a very chaste one, obviously. But then again, father always was a charmer.
Doran: You shall travel to King’s Landing too with Nymeria, but you shall go to a different hill. You shall infiltrate the order of the Sword and the Stars, which has been reformed by the new High Septon. This High Septon is not a servant of the Lannisters as the other High Septons were. We might be able to use him. Get close to him. Gain his trust.
Tyene: Hahaha, I can do that. I look good in white anyway. So long as our plot is over by labor day, we're cool.
Doran: Go now, girls.
Arianne: I know you can do it, dear cousins. Dorne is with you.
The three look at each other once more and say the words together.
Sand Snakes: Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroked. And no “bad pussy” jokes. Ever.
Ah, the famous motto of Dorne. Good to hear.
Doran: Ah, good. If I have to change any of our plans, I will send word to you. Sometimes, the situation changes quickly when you play the game of thrones. I will need to—
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Arianne: Oh shit. Areo... aren't you supposed to be provding security to prevent this from happening?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of some secret passage.
Areo: Erm, sorry about that, Prince Doran.
The Sand Snakes depart to carry out their orders. Arianne stays.
Arianne: It should have been me going to King’s Landing. Not Nymeria.
Doran: True, but you are too valuable. You are my heir and I need you here. Besides, I have news from Essos. A fleet has set sail, carrying a large army.
Arianne: Is it Queen Daenerys? Is Quentyn with him?
Doran: I don’t know. All I know is that there will be elephants, apparently.
Arianne: Elephants? Oh… there BETTER be elephants. You know how angry people get when you think a sellsword company from Essos, let’s say the Golden Company, is going to bring elephants and they don’t.
Doran: Whoever they are, we shall find out soon and see if they mean to land here.
And with that, the scene is done.
Doran: Oh shit. Areo. You’re still in the room? I forgot all about you. Did you hear all of that?
Areo: Yeah. But I’m sort of a useless character just here to be a fly on a wall and hear everything that more important characters say. I’m not quite sure why this couldn’t have just been an Arianne chapter and conveyed all the same points, only through the point of view of an interesting character who matters.
Doran: True.
Balon: Hey guys, I brought you this gift.
He puts a box on the table. It’s a big box and everyone looks at it. Areo, Prince Doran, Princess Arianne, and Oberyn’s mistress/widow – Ellaria Sand. Also there are the Sand Snakes – Nymeria, Obara and Tyene. Aero isn’t quite sure why Prince Doran let them out at all. Aero doesn’t trust them. All they want to do is rebel and declare war on the Lannisters.
Doran: Go on, open it.
Balon opens the box. It is a giant skull.
Balon: The skull of Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane.
Tyene: Did he suffer?
Balon: Dark question. But yes. And you don’t have to take my word for it. You can pretty much ask anyone in the Red Keep and they’ll tell you stories about Gregor slowly dying, his screams echoing through the hallways for weeks.
Doran: Excellent. Prince Tommen has delivered on his promise for the head of the man who killed my dear sister Elia, all those years ago. A propose a toast! To King Tommen!
He holds up a glass and toasts. A number of other people join him. Areo notices that exactly ZERO of the Sand Snakes joined in on the toast.
Doran: Now let the feast begin!
Thus begins a feast to honor the arrival of Balon Swann. Throughout the feast, the Mountain’s skull remains sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the hall.
It’s not the first feast that Balon has been treated to, as he suffered through dozens of them, as Prince Doran ordered him stopped at every town in Dorne to delay his final arrival here in Sunspear. Areo jealously looks at Princess Arianne gets all up on Balon.
Arianne: Hey cowboy. Wow, those sure are some big muscles you have.
Balon: Uh huh.
As Arianne is all over him, the next course of the feast comes out. It’s a bunch of sugar skulls.
Balon: Is this Día de Muertos or something?
Arianne: Hahaha, you’re so funny, Balon! Funny and cute! Yeah, we in Dorne have a pretty sick sense of humor.
She starts to rub the swan clasps that hold his cape onto his armor.
Arianne: I freaking love swans. I think they’re the cutest animals.
Balon: Uh, right. I mean they’re no peacocks or anything.
He politely nods and sips some wine.
Arianne backs off, sighing. Areo knows that Balon won’t be as easily seduced by her as that dumbass Arys Oakheart, his fellow Kingsguard, was.
Balon: Say, where is Arys anyway? I thought that I would—
Doran: —OH HEY BALON! Thanks for sending me that letter from Cersei. It was so nice of her to invite Myrcella and Trystane to come back up to Kings Landing, and for me to go up with them as well and take a seat on King Tommen’s small council. I’d love to go on the trip!
Balon: Oh great. Then pretty soon we can head out on our way and—
Doran: —But I’d prefer to go by sea rather than back by land like how you came here. You know how gout-ey I am these days. I’m not sure I’d be able to take that long, arduous land voyage with my current health.
Balon: Sea, Prince Doran? But isn’t the sea loaded with pirates and Ironborn raiders? Seems pretty dangerous. You would almost certainly die that way. No, you'll be much safer going with me by land.
Doran: Hrm. If you say so. I guess we can talk about it more later. At the Water Gardens! That’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you!
Balon: And Arys Oakheart?
Doran: Like I said, it’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you. You know who these Water Gardens were built for? A princess named Daenerys Targaryen!
Balon: Really? Daenerys?
Doran: Oh, not THIS Daenerys. Her namesake, the daughter of King Aegon IV and sister to Daeron II. She was betrothed to the Prince of Dorne, Maron Martell. That deal to marry her allowed Dorne to finally bend the knee and join the Seven Kingdoms, after years and years of resisting. Prince Maron had the Water Guardens built as a beautiful gift to her. There, their children played in the water and had fun. After a while, she wanted to change the policy so that all the children could play in the Water Gardens, even the children of servants and poor kids. It started a tradition that lasts to this day! Very egalitarian, no?
Balon: Uhh… sure?
Daron: Now if you’ll excuse me, this has been quite a feast and I need to head back to my chambers to rest.
He slowly picks himself up, and limps back to his room. Areo joins him and helps him along. The Sand Snakes and immediate Martell family join as well. As they leave, Obara starts to quietly complain.
Obara: Ugh. You’re such a moron, uncle. You can’t be serious about sending Trystane away to King’s Landing – can you?
Doran: SHHH! Shut the fuck up until we’re safely back in my chambers, and we can have a private conversation. Dumb ass bitch.
Cut to them being back in Doran’s private chamber. It takes a while though. Doran is even slower than Wyman Manderly. Areo guards the door. And listens.
Obara: Okay, so we’re all having a private convo now. What the hell are we going to do?
Tyene: The same thing Doran always does. Wait. Plot. DO NOTHING. Nobody does nothing better than Uncle Doran.
Arianne: SHHH! Show some fucking respect to my dad, you bitch ass ho.
Tyene: Oh please, like you haven’t agreed with me a thousand times about that.
Arianne helps her father sit down. His legs and feet are super swollen. Areo wants to cringe at how gross his Prince has become recently.
Meanwhile, Obara takes a look at the giant skull which has been brought back to the room with them.
Obara: So what did the Mountain look like? Are we sure this is his skull?
Nymeria: Yeah. How do we know that cunt Queen Cersei gave us the Gregor’s skull? Sure, everyone heard the Mountain screaming in pain. But nobody actually saw him die.
Tyene: Oh, trust me. The Mountain is dead. Our father’s poison is deadly… EVERY TIME! Thousands of people saw father’s poison-tipped spear hit the Mountain. If Oberyn cut The Mountain… then the Mountain died. Slowly and in agony. Just like everyone is saying.
The two other Sand Snakes nod their heads and agree. Their dad is awesome and he couldn’t have failed.
Obara: Well, with the Mountain dead, we now have vengeance for Elia. It’s a good start.
Ellaria: A good start? A good START? The Mountain killed Elia and Oberyn. Now he’s dead. If anyone ordered the Mountain to do it, it would have been Tywin Lannister. Now he’s dead. Joffrey Baratheon is now dead too. What do you mean “it’s a good start?” Who else needs to die? Tommen? Myrcella? Innocent children who had nothing to do with the sins of their grandfather? If this is the start… then what exactly is the END? You girls are some sick fucks.
Nymeria: Really? In the TV show you’re more blood thirsty than all of the rest of us. It ends with Casterly Rock destroyed and every Lannister in the world dead.
Tyene: Yeah, Ser Gregor’s skull sure does look lonely. I bet he’d like some company.
Ellaria: I saw my beloved Oberyn die! How many more need to die to fulfill your bloodlust? The Lannisters could march on us and destroy us. I have four girls myself. Will they need to die too in the wars to come?
Obara: War is coming, no matter what. I’m just trying to say we need to be on the winning side. Tommen is a small, incompetent boy. The Lannisters have the Ironborn molesting them in the West and Stannis in the North. Our enemies are in disarray. NOW THE TIME IS RIPE!
Ellaria: RIPE? Ripe for what? More skulls?
Obara: I don’t think skulls grow on trees like fruit, but it would be awesome if they did.
Doran: *sigh* Ellaria, go be with your little girls. I have some business to discuss with the Sand Snakes.
She nods and leaves.
Doran: Girls… why you gotta fuck with your father’s main squeeze like that?
Nymeria: Look, dad loved her… but she never understood him. War is what the Red Viper would have wanted. But OBVIOUSLY you agree with her, since you’re a weak ass bitch.
Doran: Ellaria understood your father in ways you could never imagine. But there are things she does not know. One thing she does not know, for instance, is that our war with the Lannisters has already begun.
Obara: Hahaha, oh yeah. Arianne has already seen to that by getting Arys Oakheart killed and Princess Myrcella’s ear chopped off.
Arianne: HEY! That’s not what happened at all. It was Darkstar who did it. He killed Arys and cut Myrcella’s ear. *wink*wink* Only now, Darkstar has retreated back to his castle where we can’t reach him.
The Sandsnakes all look at each other.
Nymeria: Well, the story is half-true at least. Will Balon actually believe it though?
Arianne: If Princess Myrcella tells them that it’s what happened.
Obara: Oh sure. Maybe she’ll tell that story today. But for the rest of her life? When she’s safely back in King’s Landing with her mom, Cersei? No way she keeps to that story forever. We’ll be exposed by Balon. We should kill him now.
Doran: SHUT UP! Geez, if the three of your weren’t Oberyn’s daughters, I would have you locked up back in that tower again. Now I’ve had enough of your stupid plots and accusations that I’m doing nothing. You think I’m worthless? You think I’m grass that can be walked all over? Do you know who thinks that too? The Lannisters. And that is exactly what I want them to think. But do you know something about grass? It’s where vipers live… ready to strike. Your father was the Red Viper. But a viper with grass to hide in won’t surprise anyone. They’ll see it coming a mile away. The Red Viper needed me. The Red Viper needed the grass. You think I’m nothing like my brother? You think he wanted war when I did not? But you think and know shit. We were on the same page. We made many plans together. Plans that we never told you about. Viper and Grass. Now that he is gone, I would like you to be involved in those plans. You can be my new vipers. My Sand Vipers. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can trust you three fucking morons enough for that to happen. You’re dipshit vipers more likely to bite your own asses than strike a Lannister.
The Sand Snakes look at each other. They had never seen this type of attitude come from their uncle before. He’s droppin’ shit hard.
Tyene: It’s doing NOTHING that has us frustrated, uncle. Just give us SOMETHING to do, and we will do it.
Doran: Words are fucking wind. You can say that you will follow my commands, but that’s worthless coming from you three dipshits. I mean just look how incompetent you were in the TV show.
Obara: HEY! Don’t judge us by the TV show! We rule in the books!
Doran: Swear to me. Swear to me on your father’s grave that you will do as I command. Cuz you all have to prove you’re ready for me to drop some knowledge on you.
Again, they look at each other. One by one, they bow and swear.
Doran: Good, good. Now I can actually tell you all some things. Dorne is not without friends at the King’s Court. And boy to I have some juicy stuff for you. You remember how Balon Swann invited me to Kings Landing? And then his face turned whiter than a GOP convention when I mentioned heading there by sea instead of land? That’s because shorty already has his orders from Cersei. Going by sea would have ruined the whole plan. There was to be an “ambush” on the road. Tystane would be murdered, with me as a witness to see the whole thing. The raiders would be a bunch of people shouting “Half-man! Half-man!” Balon Swann would even swear he saw Tyrion in the group, leading them. Of course, nobody else would see it.
Tyene: Trystane!? Why the hell would Cersei want poor, innocent, young Trystane dead? He’s just a boy!
Doran: Because she’s a fucking monster. And it ends the engagement between Trystane and Myrcella so she can have her back for her own purposes. And to blame Tyrion for all of her problems in the world and have me take her side.
Obara: Give me my spear and I’ll kill Balon now. I’ll kill all of them!
Doran: Balon is a guest beneath my roof and has eaten with us. I will not allow him to be harmed. Did you not just read that last Theon chapter? Bitches who break the sacred laws of guest right get their own family members served to them. No. Balon will go to the Water Gardens and hear Myrcella’s story. He will send a raven to his queen, saying what happened. And I will “beg” him to go hunt down Darkstar in High Hermitage to avenge the death of his brother of the Kingsguard and the maiming of Myrcella. OBARA! You will accompany him. Lead Balon to Darkstar. That is your mission.
Obara: It… it shall be done, Prince Doran.
Doran: NYMERIA… our war against King’s Landing must remain a secret for now. So we must return Myrcella, just as Cersei asks. But I shall not go with her as Cersei wants. You shall go to King’s Landing in my stead, and take my seat on the Small Council, just as your father the Red Viper did for me. Be careful though. For King’s Landing is a pit of… well…
Nymeria: Yes. Vipers. I shall do as you say, Uncle.
Doran: And last, for you TYENE. Your mother was a Septa, was she not?
Tyene: Well, not a very chaste one, obviously. But then again, father always was a charmer.
Doran: You shall travel to King’s Landing too with Nymeria, but you shall go to a different hill. You shall infiltrate the order of the Sword and the Stars, which has been reformed by the new High Septon. This High Septon is not a servant of the Lannisters as the other High Septons were. We might be able to use him. Get close to him. Gain his trust.
Tyene: Hahaha, I can do that. I look good in white anyway. So long as our plot is over by labor day, we're cool.
Doran: Go now, girls.
Arianne: I know you can do it, dear cousins. Dorne is with you.
The three look at each other once more and say the words together.
Sand Snakes: Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroked. And no “bad pussy” jokes. Ever.
Ah, the famous motto of Dorne. Good to hear.
Doran: Ah, good. If I have to change any of our plans, I will send word to you. Sometimes, the situation changes quickly when you play the game of thrones. I will need to—
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Arianne: Oh shit. Areo... aren't you supposed to be provding security to prevent this from happening?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of some secret passage.
Areo: Erm, sorry about that, Prince Doran.
The Sand Snakes depart to carry out their orders. Arianne stays.
Arianne: It should have been me going to King’s Landing. Not Nymeria.
Doran: True, but you are too valuable. You are my heir and I need you here. Besides, I have news from Essos. A fleet has set sail, carrying a large army.
Arianne: Is it Queen Daenerys? Is Quentyn with him?
Doran: I don’t know. All I know is that there will be elephants, apparently.
Arianne: Elephants? Oh… there BETTER be elephants. You know how angry people get when you think a sellsword company from Essos, let’s say the Golden Company, is going to bring elephants and they don’t.
Doran: Whoever they are, we shall find out soon and see if they mean to land here.
And with that, the scene is done.
Doran: Oh shit. Areo. You’re still in the room? I forgot all about you. Did you hear all of that?
Areo: Yeah. But I’m sort of a useless character just here to be a fly on a wall and hear everything that more important characters say. I’m not quite sure why this couldn’t have just been an Arianne chapter and conveyed all the same points, only through the point of view of an interesting character who matters.
Doran: True.
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