Joffrey and Margaery are having their wedding ceremony.
Tyrion: You know, they actually look like a regal couple together. Too bad Joffrey is a complete shithead and Margaery… well… I bet she’s not actually a virgin like her dad says she is. I mean she married Renly quite a long time ago and they would have plenty of time to do the deed. Not that Joffrey would know the difference.
Tyrion then thinks more about Joffrey being his chief suspect for the catspaw murder, and he thinks what a dipshit moron Joffrey is for using Littlefinger’s expensive, easily recognizable dagger.
Next comes the time in the marriage ceremony for the exchange of cloaks, where both must place a cloak on the other. Tyrion thinks back bitterly to his own cloak exchange with Sansa.
Tyrion: UGH. My wedding was the WORST. WEDDING. EVER.
Sansa: Uhh… hey dickhead. My mother and brother just got MURDERED at the Red Wedding.
Tyrion: Oh right. Second worst wedding ever, then.
With the two married, they then leave the Sept of Baelor and go into the crowds. They cheer and applaud.
Tyrion: Wow. They are cheering Joffrey? The same Joffrey that they rebelled against not that long ago? The Joffrey that they despise and hate? The crowds that Joffrey ordered his soliders to fire arrows into and murder?
Crowd: WOOO!!! WE HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS AND DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THAT! ALSO, WE’RE MOSTLY CHEERING FOR MARGAERY BECAUSE WE LOVE HER! YAY MARGAERY!
As they go through the crowd in their regal litter, Tyrion tries to make small talk with Sansa.
Tyrion: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here when this wedding was over. Maybe go see Casterly Rock or something. I know how you hate this city.
Sansa: [wooden] Whatever my husband wishes.
Tyrion: Oh… right, right. You’re dead inside and you hate me. I forgot. The point I’m making is that Joffrey is still too young to rule on his own. But once he’s old enough to no longer have a regent, life will be HELL for me. I need to get as far away from here as possible. Anyway. We need to get changed for this 77-course feast that we’re supposed to be going to, huh?
And so they stop back at their apartments to change and for Tyrion to take a pee, which he definitely needs to do with all this wine he’s been drinking.
Shae helps Sansa change, while Podrick does the same for Tyrion.
Shae: Oh, you’ll be the most beautiful woman at the entire dinner! Maybe I can come to. I’d love to be at the feast.
Tyrion: BITCH. You need to stop this shit. It will be too crowded anyway. *evil eye*
Shae: *gives evil eye right back*
Tyrion: Whatver. Forget that evil eye. What are you going to do about it? Nothing! Surely not testify in a trial about me, distorting the truth! That's for sure!
They then head back to the Throne Room, where the Wedding feast takes place. It’s not outside or anything cool like that like in the TV show. As they take their place, they run into Lady Olenna Tyrell.
Queen of Thorns: Oh Sansa, you look so beautiful today! But look… your hair is out of place. Let me FIX THAT FOR YOU.
The Queen of Thorns helps adjust Sansa’s hair, grabbing at her ORNATE, PURPLE-JEWELED HAIRNET. You know the one.
Queen of Thorns: Maybe you should come to Highgarden after this is over.
Sansa: Thank you for the offer, my lady. But my place is with mu husband. *tries not to throw up in her mouth*
Queen of Thorns: Oh, this little dwarf guy here? The one they name the whore tax pennies after?
Tyrion: I mean talk shit about it all you want… it’s a perfectly good stream of revenue. Legalize it and tax it, that’s what I say. But then again I’m a Libertarian.
Queen of Thorns: This is a monarchy. Your nephew is literally the King.
Tyrion: Oh right. Whatever.
The feast begins and the first several of the 77 courses arrive. Sansa isn’t hungry. Tyrion is… but only for more alcohol. This dude just wants to get SMASHED today. Then the entertainers come out. They play several songs, including “The Rains of Castamere” like 40 different times.
Tyrion: Oh what a fabulous song to hear at a wedding. Over and over again. Not at all foreboding. Tell me Sansa, which version did you like the best?
Sansa: Huh? What? Sorry. I wasn’t listening.
Tyrion: Ah right. Dead inside.
Joffrey: ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF THESE DUMB SONGS! I have a really cool special treat I want to show everyone. HEY EVERYBODY! CHECK THIS OUT!
Joffrey claps his hand and a bunch of “Royal Jousters” come out. Only the “Jousters” are all dwarves on donkeys, pigs, dogs and maybe even a giant pink shark or something. They reenact the War of the Five Kings, with an elaborate and offensive show that involves humping and the murder of the Starks.
Joffrey is bawling. He thinks it is hilarious.
Sansa: *eye twitch* must… not… murder… everyone.
Tyrion: Whatever. *drinks more*
Joffrey: So tell me uncle, did you enjoy that?
Tyrion: Uhh… yeah. It was great.
Joffrey: WHAT?! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THAT! IT WAS MEANT TO OFFEND YOU! HENCE THE DWARVES.
Tyrion: *lying* No, it was great. I loved it. *drinks more*
Joffrey: Well… you better join them then, Uncle Dwarfy. You see? Because it’s a bunch of dwarves! So you should fight too.
Tyrion: No, no. I get it. Really. It’s not that complicated. You think it’s super witty. *drinks*
Joffrey: JOIN THEM AND FIGHT! RIDE THAT DONKEY AND FIGHT THEM! I AM TRYING TO HUMILIATE YOU!
Tyrion: Hey, I’ll ride the donkey if you come out and ride a dog with me for the battle.
Joffrey: What? I don’t get it. I’m not a midget, why would I be in the battle against you?
Tyrion: Because you’re a cowardly, shitty fuckface with no talent or skills and therefore you are literally the only human being in this feast that I could easily beat in a battle.
Crowd: *complete and total awkward silence*
One Guy: Uhh… HAHAHAHA! Great joke there, Tyrion!
Then, afterwards, other people start laughing to break up the tension.
Joffrey: GRRR! COME OVER HERE NOW, UNCLE DWARFY! BE MY CUPBEARER!
Tyrion: Oh yeah, sure. It’s a great honor.
Joffrey: IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE AN HONOR! CUPBEARERS ARE POOR, LOWLY PEOPLE!
Tyrion: Oh, well. I’d get to be a cupbearer for a KING though. So I’m super honored.
Joffrey: GGRRRR!!!! STOP NOT BEING ANGRY!!!!!
Joffrey pours wine all over him.
Tyrion: Oh my goodness, King Joffrey. You seem to have accidentally spilled that.
Joffrey: IT WASN’T AN ACCIDENT!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!
Ser Garlan Tyrell: Joffrey… dude… cut that shit out. You’re being a grade-A asshole.
Joffrey: NO! I WANT TO CONTINUE TO HUMILIATE MY UNCLE!
Margaery Tyrell: Oh, look honey! It’s a big wedding pie, stuffed with birds! We should cut it open.
Joffrey: Ugh. If you insist. Someone order Ser Ilyn Payne to come out and bring his sword. I mean it’s not like I’d do it with Widow’s Wail or anything.
Payne comes out with a sword that isn’t Ice.
Sansa: Odd. What happened to my dad’s sword? I thought Ilyn kept it.
Joffrey and Margaery do that lame “couple” thing where they cut the pie open together by both holding the sword. A bunch of birds then fly out of the pie.
Tyrion: Well, enough of this bullshit. My wife doesn’t look well. She’s pale and not really eating. This ceremony is pretty much over. I’m just going to leave now and…
Joffrey: NO! YOU CAN’T LEAVE! You’re my cupbearer! Come back over here so I can humiliate you some more.
Tyrion sighs and acts as the cupbearer.
Joffrey grabs the cup and drinks deeply from it. He also starts taking huge chunks of pie and starts eating it.
Joffrey: Hahahaha, this pie is so good! Must be poontang pie, am I right guys? I love eating that and am an expert at it! I’m just as good at that as I am at sword fighting and not being a fucking coward! I’m the best at… *cough*… uh… The best at… *cough*cough*… man, this is some dry-ass pie.
Guy in Crowd: IT’S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE SHITTY PATTI LABELLE PIES FROM WALMART!
Joffrey: Hahaha, *cough*cough*… Good one, guy in crowd! That’s a really *cough* good one. This is DRY AS FUCK… I can’t even.. *cough*cough*cough*COUGH*COUGH*
Queen of Thorns: This boy is choking! Will somebody please get him a glass of water?
Joffrey coughs harder and harder. He drops his chalice to the ground and grabs his neck. He’s choking to death.
Cersei: HELP! HELP! HELP! MY BOY!!!! HE’S CHOKING!
The crowd starts to break into total chaos, with people screaming and running. They trample each other. Tyrion looks into Joffrey’s eyes. He’s terrified. He falls to the ground and Cersei grabs his body. Margaery is sobbing.
Margaery: AGAIN?! AGAIN?! WHY DO MY HUSBANDS KEEP DYING?
Queen of Thorns: Yeah, I guess you’ll die a “virgin” then, huh?
Margaery: *knowing stare*
Joffrey lay there. Dead.
Queen of Thorns: THE POOR BOY! HE CHOKED!
Cersei: CHOKED?! CHOKED?! NO! HE WAS POISONED! BY HIM!
Cersei points towards Tyrion.
Tyrion then turns around behind him to see who she was pointing at.
Tyrion: Who are… oh… wait… me, huh? FUCK.
Cersei: ARREST HIM! HIM AND HIS STARK WIFE!
Tyrion: Oh yeah. My wife. I bet she—
He turns around again. She’s gone.
Tyrion: DOUBLE FUCK! You know what… on second thought, maybe my wedding wasn’t that bad.
Swordsmen surround Tyrion. Which sucks because most people relate to this character and cheer for him. But they're not that sad because Joffrey is dead, which is the key thing here and is awesome
Tyrion: You know, they actually look like a regal couple together. Too bad Joffrey is a complete shithead and Margaery… well… I bet she’s not actually a virgin like her dad says she is. I mean she married Renly quite a long time ago and they would have plenty of time to do the deed. Not that Joffrey would know the difference.
Tyrion then thinks more about Joffrey being his chief suspect for the catspaw murder, and he thinks what a dipshit moron Joffrey is for using Littlefinger’s expensive, easily recognizable dagger.
Next comes the time in the marriage ceremony for the exchange of cloaks, where both must place a cloak on the other. Tyrion thinks back bitterly to his own cloak exchange with Sansa.
Tyrion: UGH. My wedding was the WORST. WEDDING. EVER.
Sansa: Uhh… hey dickhead. My mother and brother just got MURDERED at the Red Wedding.
Tyrion: Oh right. Second worst wedding ever, then.
With the two married, they then leave the Sept of Baelor and go into the crowds. They cheer and applaud.
Tyrion: Wow. They are cheering Joffrey? The same Joffrey that they rebelled against not that long ago? The Joffrey that they despise and hate? The crowds that Joffrey ordered his soliders to fire arrows into and murder?
Crowd: WOOO!!! WE HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS AND DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THAT! ALSO, WE’RE MOSTLY CHEERING FOR MARGAERY BECAUSE WE LOVE HER! YAY MARGAERY!
As they go through the crowd in their regal litter, Tyrion tries to make small talk with Sansa.
Tyrion: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here when this wedding was over. Maybe go see Casterly Rock or something. I know how you hate this city.
Sansa: [wooden] Whatever my husband wishes.
Tyrion: Oh… right, right. You’re dead inside and you hate me. I forgot. The point I’m making is that Joffrey is still too young to rule on his own. But once he’s old enough to no longer have a regent, life will be HELL for me. I need to get as far away from here as possible. Anyway. We need to get changed for this 77-course feast that we’re supposed to be going to, huh?
And so they stop back at their apartments to change and for Tyrion to take a pee, which he definitely needs to do with all this wine he’s been drinking.
Shae helps Sansa change, while Podrick does the same for Tyrion.
Shae: Oh, you’ll be the most beautiful woman at the entire dinner! Maybe I can come to. I’d love to be at the feast.
Tyrion: BITCH. You need to stop this shit. It will be too crowded anyway. *evil eye*
Shae: *gives evil eye right back*
Tyrion: Whatver. Forget that evil eye. What are you going to do about it? Nothing! Surely not testify in a trial about me, distorting the truth! That's for sure!
They then head back to the Throne Room, where the Wedding feast takes place. It’s not outside or anything cool like that like in the TV show. As they take their place, they run into Lady Olenna Tyrell.
Queen of Thorns: Oh Sansa, you look so beautiful today! But look… your hair is out of place. Let me FIX THAT FOR YOU.
The Queen of Thorns helps adjust Sansa’s hair, grabbing at her ORNATE, PURPLE-JEWELED HAIRNET. You know the one.
Queen of Thorns: Maybe you should come to Highgarden after this is over.
Sansa: Thank you for the offer, my lady. But my place is with mu husband. *tries not to throw up in her mouth*
Queen of Thorns: Oh, this little dwarf guy here? The one they name the whore tax pennies after?
Tyrion: I mean talk shit about it all you want… it’s a perfectly good stream of revenue. Legalize it and tax it, that’s what I say. But then again I’m a Libertarian.
Queen of Thorns: This is a monarchy. Your nephew is literally the King.
Tyrion: Oh right. Whatever.
The feast begins and the first several of the 77 courses arrive. Sansa isn’t hungry. Tyrion is… but only for more alcohol. This dude just wants to get SMASHED today. Then the entertainers come out. They play several songs, including “The Rains of Castamere” like 40 different times.
Tyrion: Oh what a fabulous song to hear at a wedding. Over and over again. Not at all foreboding. Tell me Sansa, which version did you like the best?
Sansa: Huh? What? Sorry. I wasn’t listening.
Tyrion: Ah right. Dead inside.
Joffrey: ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF THESE DUMB SONGS! I have a really cool special treat I want to show everyone. HEY EVERYBODY! CHECK THIS OUT!
Joffrey claps his hand and a bunch of “Royal Jousters” come out. Only the “Jousters” are all dwarves on donkeys, pigs, dogs and maybe even a giant pink shark or something. They reenact the War of the Five Kings, with an elaborate and offensive show that involves humping and the murder of the Starks.
Joffrey is bawling. He thinks it is hilarious.
Sansa: *eye twitch* must… not… murder… everyone.
Tyrion: Whatever. *drinks more*
Joffrey: So tell me uncle, did you enjoy that?
Tyrion: Uhh… yeah. It was great.
Joffrey: WHAT?! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THAT! IT WAS MEANT TO OFFEND YOU! HENCE THE DWARVES.
Tyrion: *lying* No, it was great. I loved it. *drinks more*
Joffrey: Well… you better join them then, Uncle Dwarfy. You see? Because it’s a bunch of dwarves! So you should fight too.
Tyrion: No, no. I get it. Really. It’s not that complicated. You think it’s super witty. *drinks*
Joffrey: JOIN THEM AND FIGHT! RIDE THAT DONKEY AND FIGHT THEM! I AM TRYING TO HUMILIATE YOU!
Tyrion: Hey, I’ll ride the donkey if you come out and ride a dog with me for the battle.
Joffrey: What? I don’t get it. I’m not a midget, why would I be in the battle against you?
Tyrion: Because you’re a cowardly, shitty fuckface with no talent or skills and therefore you are literally the only human being in this feast that I could easily beat in a battle.
Crowd: *complete and total awkward silence*
One Guy: Uhh… HAHAHAHA! Great joke there, Tyrion!
Then, afterwards, other people start laughing to break up the tension.
Joffrey: GRRR! COME OVER HERE NOW, UNCLE DWARFY! BE MY CUPBEARER!
Tyrion: Oh yeah, sure. It’s a great honor.
Joffrey: IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE AN HONOR! CUPBEARERS ARE POOR, LOWLY PEOPLE!
Tyrion: Oh, well. I’d get to be a cupbearer for a KING though. So I’m super honored.
Joffrey: GGRRRR!!!! STOP NOT BEING ANGRY!!!!!
Joffrey pours wine all over him.
Tyrion: Oh my goodness, King Joffrey. You seem to have accidentally spilled that.
Joffrey: IT WASN’T AN ACCIDENT!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!
Ser Garlan Tyrell: Joffrey… dude… cut that shit out. You’re being a grade-A asshole.
Joffrey: NO! I WANT TO CONTINUE TO HUMILIATE MY UNCLE!
Margaery Tyrell: Oh, look honey! It’s a big wedding pie, stuffed with birds! We should cut it open.
Joffrey: Ugh. If you insist. Someone order Ser Ilyn Payne to come out and bring his sword. I mean it’s not like I’d do it with Widow’s Wail or anything.
Payne comes out with a sword that isn’t Ice.
Sansa: Odd. What happened to my dad’s sword? I thought Ilyn kept it.
Joffrey and Margaery do that lame “couple” thing where they cut the pie open together by both holding the sword. A bunch of birds then fly out of the pie.
Tyrion: Well, enough of this bullshit. My wife doesn’t look well. She’s pale and not really eating. This ceremony is pretty much over. I’m just going to leave now and…
Joffrey: NO! YOU CAN’T LEAVE! You’re my cupbearer! Come back over here so I can humiliate you some more.
Tyrion sighs and acts as the cupbearer.
Joffrey grabs the cup and drinks deeply from it. He also starts taking huge chunks of pie and starts eating it.
Joffrey: Hahahaha, this pie is so good! Must be poontang pie, am I right guys? I love eating that and am an expert at it! I’m just as good at that as I am at sword fighting and not being a fucking coward! I’m the best at… *cough*… uh… The best at… *cough*cough*… man, this is some dry-ass pie.
Guy in Crowd: IT’S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE SHITTY PATTI LABELLE PIES FROM WALMART!
Joffrey: Hahaha, *cough*cough*… Good one, guy in crowd! That’s a really *cough* good one. This is DRY AS FUCK… I can’t even.. *cough*cough*cough*COUGH*COUGH*
Queen of Thorns: This boy is choking! Will somebody please get him a glass of water?
Joffrey coughs harder and harder. He drops his chalice to the ground and grabs his neck. He’s choking to death.
Cersei: HELP! HELP! HELP! MY BOY!!!! HE’S CHOKING!
The crowd starts to break into total chaos, with people screaming and running. They trample each other. Tyrion looks into Joffrey’s eyes. He’s terrified. He falls to the ground and Cersei grabs his body. Margaery is sobbing.
Margaery: AGAIN?! AGAIN?! WHY DO MY HUSBANDS KEEP DYING?
Queen of Thorns: Yeah, I guess you’ll die a “virgin” then, huh?
Margaery: *knowing stare*
Joffrey lay there. Dead.
Queen of Thorns: THE POOR BOY! HE CHOKED!
Cersei: CHOKED?! CHOKED?! NO! HE WAS POISONED! BY HIM!
Cersei points towards Tyrion.
Tyrion then turns around behind him to see who she was pointing at.
Tyrion: Who are… oh… wait… me, huh? FUCK.
Cersei: ARREST HIM! HIM AND HIS STARK WIFE!
Tyrion: Oh yeah. My wife. I bet she—
He turns around again. She’s gone.
Tyrion: DOUBLE FUCK! You know what… on second thought, maybe my wedding wasn’t that bad.
Swordsmen surround Tyrion. Which sucks because most people relate to this character and cheer for him. But they're not that sad because Joffrey is dead, which is the key thing here and is awesome
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