Ned: Hey Sansa!Sansa then wakes up from her dream and remembers that that’s all a lie. Her family is all dead and Lady is all dead.
Sansa: Daddy! You’re alive!
Ned: Of course I am. Me dying was just a terrible nightmare you had! And look who else is here to see you!
Lady comes running through the door and licks Sansa on the face.
Cat: Awww! Look how adorable you and Lady are together, Sansa!
Robb: Yes. It’s great to see that Lady is alive. As am I, my mom, my dad, Bran, and Rickon.
Ned: Nobody cares about Arya though. Forget Arya. We all hate Arya and she’s stupid, unlike you Sansa. You’re the best!
Sansa: YAAAAAY!
Sansa: Fuck.
Her new maids, Shae and Brella, come to give her a bath.
Sansa: I hate these new maids. And what’s up with this Shae bitch. She always looks at me funny.
Shae: I’m literally right here scrubbing you down so you can get clean for the Wedding, you fucking cunt.
Sansa: Oh. Is it the Wedding Day?
Shae: Yes. King Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell are getting married. TODAY!
Tyrion then walks in. He is DRUNK AS HELL.
Tyrion: Oh hey honey… and also HEY SANSA. Hahahaha. Get it?
Shae: *rolls eyes*
Tyrion goes for more wine.
Sansa: Uhh… a little early for that, "husband"?
Tyrion: I’ve got to see my stupid sister and her stupid inbred son today. And I have no intention on seeing them sober.
He downs a bottle.
Sansa: Ugh. Okay. Well let me try to get some breakfast. Not that I’m hungry. Especially with this 77-course meal that we’re supposed to have for dinner.
At breakfast, neither Sansa nor Tyrion really eat anything. Breakfast is followed by a big ceremony where everyone presents wedding gifts to King Joffrey. Joffrey gets a bunch of boring, bullshit gifts from everyone else that aren’t worth mentioning.
Joffrey: Uncle Dwarfy… what did you get me?
Tyrion: I got you a copy of Lives of Four Kings, by Grand Maester Kaeth. It’s about the lives of four Targaryen kings; Daeron I, Baelor I, Aegon IV and Daeron II. It’s a super famous and rare book, worth millions of dollars.
Joffrey: Uh huh. A book. You might have well got be some fucking socks or something, you dumb piece of shit.
Tyrion: I literally just said it’s worth millions of dollars. But I suppose you’d like a different gift instead, huh? Maybe a Valyrian Steel blade with a dragonbone hilt?
Joffrey: I don’t follow
Tyrion: You know. Then you can use it to try to murder Bran Stark in a desperate attempt to earn the love and attention of your absentee father?
Jofffrey: *blinks*
Everyone Else: *awkward silence*
The Elephant in the Room: So is this it? Is this as close as the books actually get to “answering” the question of who the catspaw assassin in? We just leave this vague hint that it was “probably” Joffrey but then never actually answer it?
Yes.
Gold Cloak: Hey! How did this elephant get in here? Are elephants even native to Westeros? I know they're in Essos. Just wait until we introduce the Golden Company in the follow-up books. Anyway...
He shoots the elephant.
Joffrey: Granddad, what did you get me?
Tywin: Oh… you know… nothing much. Just this AWESOME VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD *cough* THAT I MELTED DOWN FROM NED STARK’S SWORD*cough*
Sansa: What was that last part? I didn't catch it between the cough.
Tywin presents it to his grandson, who grabs it.
Joffrey: OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO SWEET! What should I name it?
Person: Doombringer!
Other Person: Shard of Hate!
Third Person: Griswold's Masterpiece!
Honest Person: Dipshit Whiny Coward’s Stupid Sword That He'll Never Use Because He's Too Much of a Pussy to Actually Fight!
Joffrey: Did someone say “Widow’s Wail?”
Everyone: NO!
Joffrey: Nah. I’m pretty sure I heard, “Widow’s Wail.” I’m going to name it that, HAHAHA! For how many widows I make after I kill a bunch of people because I’m a real warrior and not just some shitty coward. YEAH! OH, and hey Sansa! How’s it going with your dead family?
Sansa: I hope you fall and break your neck.
Joffrey: WHAT WAS THAT? Hey… maybe since my Uncle Dwarfy doesn’t know how to get it up and have sex with you, I’m going to have to visit your bedchamber tonight and show him how it’s done! Hehehehe!
Joffrey then uses his new sword to slash apart the book that Tyrion gave him.
Tyrion is furious, but tries to hold in his anger. He simply drinks more.
After the gift-giving ceremony, it’s time to head off to the actual Wedding.
The Red Viper and his paramour, Ellaria Sand, join up with Tyrion and Sansa as they make their way over.
Red Viper: It’s a shame about that book. That was a really fucking cool book, man. I’m sorry your nephew is a total inbred dipshit.
Tyrion: Whatever. Just leave me along. I’m trying to be drunk and not go “Snapped.”
Red Viper: You know, that book had some interesting opinions about King Baelor the Blessed. Some say he was a pious, religious man. But others say he was batshit insane from a bunch of snake venom that he had in him. But there are no snakes here now. So how do you explain why Joffrey is such a dipshit?
Tyrion: Haha, good one. Hey Sansa, did Joffrey ever express any interest in murdering Bran when he was up in Winterfell?
Sansa: Oh wow. We’re talking about murdering my family again, huh? What a pleasant conversation. Let me just finish this by going with the usual “my family are all traitors” line I give to all Lannisters, because I’m pretty sure you’re trying to trap me with some shit.
Tyrion: Man, this is just the most awkward marriage of all time, isn’t it?
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